Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 1

Jenny sat in the UWM computer lab doing what she always did whenever she was there: Look up Saito Hajime. A frown crossed her round face as she remembered the strange and uncanny events that had taken place 2 months prior. She still didn't believe that she had been in Rurouni Kenshin land. It had to be a dream, right? "Ahhh, Saito-chan..." she said aloud, ignoring the stares she got from the other people in the room. She glanced down at her hand, which was unwashed and still molded in the 'Saito Luscious Ass Grabbing Position'. "How I miss that firm glutious maximus..."

"Hey holmes, what's up?" said a voice behind her. Judging from the amount of raw ghetto in the accent, it could have been none other than her partner in man-raping crime, Kelly.

"Oh, Hi Kelly," replied Jenny, looking more depressed than ever.

"What's the walla-walla bing bong?" asked Kelly, taking a seat next to the downtrodden Jenny, "Usually you're happy when you come here and look up anime men folk. Namely Saito."

"I know I know," replied Jenny, typing in 'naked Saito' on the yahoo search engine, "It's just not the same though. I mean, don't you even care about what happened? We were in 'THE' land. I'd give anything to go back there and grab some ass once again."

Kelly could easily sympathize. She looked down at her own hand, also unwashed and in a grabbing position, "Dude, I touched Aoshi's weenie. You think I like it here in the real world? Look at this hand dammit." She pushed her hand in Jenny's face, making her take stock of the amount of Aoshi skin that had graced her hand.

"Damn! Git that shit outta my damn face you damn nasty tramp!" cried Jenny, swatting at the hand.

Kelly laughed like a tard and made her hand talk, "Rar! I'm going to eat you! Here it comes! Woo woooooo!"

"Um, no thanks Slut-pire Hunter D," yelled Jenny, finally stopping the assault by punching the shit outta Kelly's face. She became serious once again, "Do you think it really was just a dream?"

"All cocks point to yes!" exclaimed Kelly, "I mean, holmes, how could that have really happened? And if you remember, which you probably couldn't even if you wanted to, we drank 8 cases of orange soda before we started to watch the RK tape. Not to mention the 2 bags of sugar, 9 blow pops, and 12 kegs of hummingbird feed we also demolished. That kinda shit will make you think you have a hand growing out of your forehead if you're not careful."

"Fo'head!" cried Jenny, remembering the dream-like sheen of Kawaji's melon, "I guess you're right. Just by looking at the other men in this room, you can pretty much see that no one as fine as Saito could ever exist here."

"See? Feel better now?" asked Kelly, grinning like a crack addict, "We're both stuck in this shitty assed world together! We'll probably end up marrying ugly men, be poor as shit, stuck in dead-end jobs, but one day, you'll forget about Saito! So, brighten up. Turn that frown upside-down. Be gay and jolly like a male hairdresser."

Jenny scowled at Kelly, trying to resist the urge to kick her dead in her overworked jaw, "Uh, thanks jerk. All better."

Before Kelly could answer, she had a vision...A vision of Escaflowne! I mean a vision of Rurouni Kenshin land. She saw Kenshin doing laundry and Yahiko practicing his Pretend-Mitsurugi in the background. She shook her head as the picture before her slowly faded away. The sound of Jenny's voice snapped her ass the fuck back into reality.

"Kelly? Kelly! What the hell! It's been 5 minutes. What are you doing?" yelled Jenny, "Hey! You better not be thinking dirty thoughts about Saito! I swear 'fore the lord that I will kick in your damn teeth for thinking hentai thoughts about my man. That's my job! Like the one with Saito and I locked in the bathhouse together and he's completely naked and willing... Ooooooo... that's my favorite one!" Jenny stared off into space, no doubt thinking nasty thoughts about a certain psychotic smoking killer, "Ooooo, ok 00Sexy, be gentle...Oohohohohohohooo! Damn! Now I know why you're the man! They should call you man-and-a-half! Sheeeeit!"

Kelly just stared at Jenny like she had wallabies coming out of her ears, "Are you finished? This is really nauseating."

"What happened? You just froze," said Jenny, waking up.

"Uhhh, nothing," replied Kelly, "We better get to class-" Before she could finish her sentence, Jenny hopped the nearest bus and tore off for home. She poked her BB head out of the side window.

"Bye bye! Have fun learning! I'll have fun skippin'!" She waved and then her head went back inside of the bus, but not before she struggled to get her coconut through the tight window space, "Gotdamn giant head… This always happens. Ay! Busdriver! Pull over and help me out! OI!"

Kelly just laughed at her friend, and proceeded to follow Jenny's example of skippin'.

"Fuck this bullsheeit ass math class. I ain't down with it." So she sat down in Bolton Hall and wasted 2.5 hours doing nothing.

She took stock of the people sitting in the room. There was a girl with a head full of curly fries, a guy with the thickest glasses ever, another girl who wouldn't stop coughing and/or sneezing louder than necessary, and someone else who looked like Sloth from Goonies. Candy corn shaped head, eye all cocked to the side, and big as fuck! Then some other hobo walked in who thought he was cool, with his Ray Allen Bucks jersey on, tucked into faded black jeans and wearing sandals, never mind this was November in Wisconsin. The place also smelled like a pile of shit, too.

"Yuck," thought Kelly, trying to type without breathing or smelling. She was looking up her main squeeze Aoshi, but was disappointed to find that there weren't many sites on the hung bastard.

So, 2.5 hours later, Kelly finally went to class: her Japanese class and started to learn the language of love. Or, the language of men she'd like to make love to. The class drew pretty kanji in ink, and of course since Kelly was wearing a white shirt, she spilled it all over herself. It was a routine occurrence though. No matter what it was, she would always spill something onto a white shirt. Kool-aid, Popsicle, spaghetti, pizza, anything Italian or Mexican, and just about anything else that would stain. She went home lookin' like the damn homeless person she saw on the bus stop takin' a nap the other day.

Kelly went up to her room and looked at Aoshi's poster for a good fifteen minutes before calling Jenny.

"Yo bitch. Wanna do something? We can watch anime over here," she asked.

"Sure. Lemme take a bath and I'll be there in a sec."

"You gonna wash that hand?"

"ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?" Jenny shouted, causing Kelly's hair to blow in the breeze.

"No need to holla. I'll see you later then."

When Jenny arrived, they looked at Kelly's anime collection.

"So, whaddya wanna watch?" Kelly asked.

"Do you really need to ask?"

Kelly popped RK into Playstation 2 and sat down for some good porn. I mean, for some good anime watchin' fun.

Meanwhile, Jenny slapped on her Shinsengumi gear, which was composed of funky ass Japanese sockies, an "I want Saito's Ass' t-shirt, and most importantly, her four glue-on Saito bangs. She sat down, completing her odd ensemble off with a giant foam hand that said, `Saito Rocks'.

"Is all that crap really necessary?" asked Kelly, giving her retarded outfit a wary eye, "I mean, we're just watching an anime."

"Just an `anime'?" replied Jenny, rolling her eyes, "Are you sure it's just that? What about what happened a few months-"

"Awww, not that again!" interrupted Kelly, "C'mon Coconut Head, give it a break. Do you actually believe that we really got transported to a land full of flawless, sexy men? Rrrrright."

"Actually, I do believe that we did!" cried Jenny, hand on hip, cock-eyed look.

"What makes you think that it happened then?"

"Well…" Jenny trailed off.

"Well what?"

"Well, I found this in my pocket after I left your house," she said, guiltily opening her hand and showing Kelly the contents.

Kelly leaned in and looked at Jenny's hand. She was surprised to find absolutely nothing. "Hey! What the hell? Your hand is empty!"

Without warning or just cause, Jenny smacked the shit outta Kelly with the hand, even kicking her roughly in the shins.

"Ow! What in the holy ass bandit are you doin-- OW!! Stop it! Have you gone insane?!" yelled Kelly, trying to cover her face from Jenny's gay attack.

Jenny stopped her assault, a confused look on her face, `Wha? I'm showing you what I found, that's all."

"You're beating the ass outta me is what you're doin' you damn jerk! What's jacking me up got to do with what you found in your damn pocket anyways?"

"I found a bad attitude."

"What?"

"A bad attitude. I caught it from Saito," explained Jenny, looking guiltily at her hand, "It's not something I'm proud of. Please don't tell my mom!"

"You're an idiot. You know that, right?"

Jenny looked down sadly, "Yes."

"Geeezus, just turn on the damn movie," Kelly said, booting Jenny roughly, "For a moment I thought you had a pair of Saito's draws or something."

"Oh yeah," cried Jenny, jumping up and down, "That's the other thing I needed to show you!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of white fabric.

"O God, what's that now? It better not be a mugging or something."

"Shaddup," said Jenny. She pushed the cloth into Kelly's hands, "Now, take a wiffer of that sheeeeeit."

Kelly looked at Jenny strangely, but then decided to comply. She sniffed deeply.

"Well?" Jenny looked on happily, "Smell familiar?"

"Actually…" Kelly looked up, as if trying to remember a smell long forgotten, "It sort of smells like…Naw, that can't be it… Can it? What are these?"

"Aoshi's undies!" exclaimed Jenny.

"You depraved lunatic jackass! You stole Aoshi's draws! Are you out of yo' godforsaken mind??" Kelly blew up, snatching the Aoshi-roos out of Jenny's hands and stuffing them into her own pocket, "This is a joke, right?"