Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Life In A New Era ❯ Tonami, 1871, Part 4 ( Chapter 4 )

She was watching trees blow in the wind in late June. The rainy season was her favorite, she smiled, it might rain tonight by the looks of the clouds. Haruna came up behind her from inside. The woman put her hands over her eyes. She laughed, "Har-san, stop that."

Haruna chuckled, "No, its fun."

"Haruna-san did you find Tokio-san," asked Satsuki, standing in front of the shoji Haruna had left open.

"Yes, Sat-san!"

Satsuki looked annoyed at Haruna's pet name for her, but didn't rebuke her. "Kurasawa-san wants everyone to meet in the sitting room."

When the three arrived in the living room they found Amane, Yaso, Yamakawa, Kurasawa, Ueda, and Saito all waiting. She frowned, something had been brewing between Kurasawa and Ueda lately. Why was Yamakawa here? Something important it seemed.

She was a little nervous as she bowed to each person present. She sat on one of the empty zabuton and waited, eyes downcast. Satsuki and Haruna sat also. Heavy tension was apparent in the silence. Kurasawa cleared his throat and began speaking. "We must prepare," he said, he had a serious look on his face, but she could see the hint of a smile wanting to break out. She felt less stressed at that reassuring sign. She glanced over at Saito, he was silent, sitting perfectly still in seiza. Saito…her feelings hadn't changed. It wasn't like the cherry blossoms that bloomed and fell so quickly, her feelings had remained constant.

"We must prepare for a joyous event," Kurasawa was saying. "One of my honored guests has decided in favor of matrimony."

She was quite startled by this. Surely not Haruna or Satsuki? They would have let the information slip weeks earlier if that was true. Amane or Yaso then must have been the choice. She glanced at Amane, twenty-three well-educated and not so hard on the eyes. Yaso cut a more pleasing feature and had a more reserved look, but she was older. Already thirty wasn't she? Yamakawa or Ueda, either would make good husbands. She glanced at Saito, surely not him…he wasn't the type to marry.

"Yaso Shinoda-san," Kurasawa smiled, she kept her eyes on her mat. Her legs would start to lose feeling in them if Kurasawa didn't make this quick. She'd never been able to hold seiza position for long which she'd always thought was dishonorable for an Aizu retainer's daughter. "And Goro Fujita-san will marry on August twenty-fifth."

Her eyes widened and her hands clenched into fists. No one would notice her hands, preoccupied by looking at Yaso and Saito. What? How? Why? Why would Saito and Yaso want to marry? It made no sense. Why? Perhaps he'd never returned her silly female feelings. Perhaps all those secretive small smiles had been nothing to him but smiles. They hinted at nothing more than his amusement. She'd formed her own opinions about him without realizing that he'd not even noticed her. Their little banter, their walks, their shared feelings had been nothing so significant to him. She wanted to cry, to weep deeply at the thought that she'd been so misguided. She couldn't. How stupid of her… She had to be happy. She had to pretend that this wasn't the worse moment of her young life.

After this announcement, Kurasawa started to chat happily about it. He mentioned Yaso didn't have a shiromuku from her family as it had been lost in the move to Tonami. She listened, distracted, only two thought rattling in her brain. Amane mentioned she'd be happy to let Yaso use hers. She was bleeding, did no one see the blood pouring from her heart?

Over the next few months leading up to the wedding day the same two thoughts would not stop pestering her. She'd resolved to kill them, to make sure he never knew about them. She'd cried herself to sleep enough nights, felt the heartache tear at her breast. She'd done her utmost to avoid him during the following months. He didn't seem to care. It hurt so much to think he didn't care. She'd seen little of Yaso lately and had heard the woman was at the shrine more often than not. Was she worried about her future with him? Saito would never hurt an innocent woman, much less one that was going to be his wife. Did Yaso really not understand that yet? She wanted to cry, she understood him…much better than she wanted to.

Who would have guessed just months earlier that August twenty-fifth would be the day Hajime Saito captain of the third squad of the Shinsengumi would marry? The very Hajime Saito who'd killed Ishin Shishi all over Kyoto? He was not a man she had expected would marry. Yet here he was wearing his formal black montsuki, haori, and hakama and receiving the small cluster of guests who'd come. Yaso looked lovely in her pure white shiromuku. How had Kurasawa managed it? She wondered as she waited to be greeted. To think that he'd gotten those two to actually agree to marry seemed such an impossible thought. It seemed beyond her reasoning that either would have been looking forward to this day.

Yaso was smiling pleasantly though, her face the picture of a perfectly content wife. Saito for his part was smiling. His eyes narrower than usual and he greeted guests in a softer tone than usual too.

She wondered if he was really happy marrying Yaso. She could tell that Yaso wasn't straining her smiles, but she wasn't sure about Saito. How could Yaso want to marry Saito when her impression of him was so poor? She was greeted and pushed aside quickly in the press of guests. She went over and took a seat on the tatami mats. Kurasawa and Ueda where talking with other guests.

"Morinosuke-chan," she smiled warmly. Her younger brother sat down beside her. He'd arrived in Tonami hardly weeks earlier. She knew his reason for coming was not merely Saito and Yaso's marriage.

The night was perfect. Guests ate and drank to their heart's content. Midway through the evening Saito and Yaso were praised by Kurasawa and Ueda. She ate little and drank less, her heart far from content. She went outside shortly after Ueda's speech of good will and hope for many little ones. She sat down, everything seemed still, even the wind seemed to be holding it's breath. Her geta were hurting her feet, but she didn't feel like moving to take them of. Besides if another guest caught her without scandals on she was sure it would have resulted in shame on her part. He'd dismissed that many times when they'd spoken…better to forget. Don't remember it, she forcefully told herself.

She stared up at the moon, her body felt heavy. She heard the shoji open and close. Someone sat down next to her. She glanced over to see Okura. She smiled stiffly, even her shoulder's felt tense. He smiled back, "I want to ask you something, Tokio-san."

"It is better, Okura-sama, that you do not ask. Much better that you forget," she wasn't sure if she was talking to him or about her own inner turmoil.

He would not be turned away, "I've talked to Kurasawa-san and he'd be very pleased, as would I, if you accepted to be my wife. I'm not a man of many words and am not one who easily woos women. I…have little tact with you creatures," he laughed nervously, "I want a wife, Tokio-san. You're the perfect match for me, gentle, pretty, and above all dutiful. I need someone to come home to on those nights when the battles are too gruesome. You understand what I'm talking about…you were in Tsuruga Castle."

She was silent, even before Saito she would have told Yamakawa no because she felt no love for him. She felt doubly bond now. She bowed low, he took this as her saying yes, but she spoke before he could. "I must decline, Okura-sama. I can not marry you. My feelings will not allow me to serve you as dutifully as you require."

"I don't understand."

"You do not understand because you do not understand me, Okura-sama."

"Understand you? I understand enough. We are all duty bond, Tokio-san. Your father would have given his blessing if he were here. Morinosuke-san already gave his."

"How can you talk to me of marriage in the name of duty? That is the last reason I should ever marry for. My father would have understood. I will only marry for love, Okura-sama."

"Surely enough love will follow after our marriage."

She shook her head, rising from her spot. She saw those golden brown eyes, that dark hair tied back with bangs falling into his angular face. His little smiles. "There's a love that can not be explained. A flame so bright it can not be contained. You and I will never share such passion together. Do not ask me how I know…"

"Love is not the painting, it's the frame. Love is not the truth, it's just a claim. What we should aspire to is far beyond mere passion, Tokio-san. Let us dutifully kneel to Aizu and the Emperor or else shame the clan."

"Aizu is no longer. You can not bait me with that." She stared at the sitting man, he looked dumbfounded by her refusal. How could she explain love to a man who'd never felt its touch upon his heart? How could he possibly say duty was more important than love? Only someone who had never experienced the greatest of love could possibly conceive of marriage or happiness without it. She would be doomed to sorrow for the rest of her life because her love had forsaken her. And yet she felt no regret about having loved Saito. None whatsoever, only a dull ache in her heart and the want of more time with him.

"But what of Kurasawa-san? Must he always be burdened with your weight? You inflict unnecessary hardship upon him."

"I would only hurt both of us more if I say yes. You do not understand right now, Okura-sama, but when you meet the one person who inspires you to be better and who you love more than anything in the world you will understand why I said no."

He clutched at his hakama, struggling with his self-control. He stood abruptly, bowed slightly to her, and left. She knew his pride had been deeply wounded, but it was for the best. He would understand someday. She sat in the middle of the garden, letting her fingertips graze the top of the blades of grass. How cool it was tonight. She shivered. She didn't want to go inside and face the bright, happy wedding guests and couple. She sighed, glancing at the moon. Did it like being aloof and different from the stars?

The wedding party was over. Morinosuke was walking her back to her apartments. She had seen him talking to Okura earlier in the evening so his silence was natural. Was his pride hurt? Did he fear she'd never be happy? Did he even care if she was happy so long as she married?

He came with her into her room. She was about to speak when he spoke first. "I'm very disappointed, Tokio-chan." Neither of them said anything for a time. Morinosuke sighed, looking annoyed. "Why did you refuse such a good offer? He'd give you a life back in Tokyo, a much better life than you have here in Tonami."

She bowed her head. "Tokio-chan, don't bow to me!" He sounded angry, she lifted her head, but her eyes remained downcast. "I just want your happiness. Okura-san could have given you so much happiness; Tonami will…you could die here, sister." He knelt beside her, watching her face. She felt numb. He put a hand on her cheek. She started at his touch, looking up into his dark brown eyes. They were her father's eyes in the rain that night, but it was the ghost of tears, not rain, that made Morinosuke's eyes shine. "I want you to be happy and safe. You won't have either here."

"I'm happy, brother. I'm so happy."

"Don't lie to me. You are not."

She tried to turn away, but his hand tightened on her chin. He made her hold his gaze. His eyes demanded the truth, but how could she tell him the truth when it was tearing her apart. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it, and closed it again. He made a face at her fickleness. She remembered her conversation with Saito about fickleness in men and woman. He disliked fickle people. She just didn't know what to do. There was no way any change would come about if she told Morinosuke her feelings, it would only weight on his heart as well as hers.

"I'm happy because I've loved." Morinosuke didn't seem to know what to do, his eyes widened and than softened to tenderness. He hugged her and she leaned against him, sobbing. This heartache had to be fickle, it just had to be or else it would suffocate her. She didn't even care if her fickleness upset Saito so long as this dying feeling left.