Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Life In A New Era ❯ Tonami, 1871, Part 5 ( Chapter 5 )

She watched the carriage travel down the path two weeks later. Kurasawa, Morinosuke, and the rest of the household watched Okura Yamakawa's departure from Tonami. Kurasawa was waving happily to the retreating carriage, despite the fact that Okura couldn't see him. Ueda has his arms crossed and his eyes stared thoughtfully. She had a feeling she knew where his thoughts dwelled.

She had heard Kurasawa, Ueda, and Morinosuke fighting the other night. She'd brought some tea for the men because she'd heard they'd planned on staying up late, but when she'd heard the topic of the quarrel she'd froze. They'd been furiously talking about her and Okura. She stayed only long enough to hear Ueda complain about her willful spirit and Kurasawa saying something along the lines of she was young yet and marriage could still happen. She'd had one of the servants bring the tea and had retired to her room.

Thinking about that conversation made her feel terrible about how her actions affected Kurasawa and Ueda. But she wouldn't budge on this matter. She was never going to marry. Not when he wasn't available.

She glanced at Yaso. She looked the picture of a happily married housewife. Her hair was styled in the latest fashion, her kimono was just the right shade to match her lips, and her brown eyes portrayed just the right among of obedience and docile nature men liked. She could have been a geisha in Tokyo if she'd not ended up here.

She had never taken much stock in beauty before, she was rather homely and knew it. Teruhime had been the beautiful princess everyone paid attention too before 1868, she'd just been the semi-pretty lady-in-waiting. Now she was the semi-pretty homeless woman mooching off Kurasawa because she'd refused her only suitor. And Yaso was the pretty happy wife everyone noticed. It had never bothered her before 1871, she'd never wanted all the attention, especially not of some of the ill behaved suitors Teru had gotten at times. Now she wished she'd been beautiful so that the one man she really wanted to care might have picked her over Yaso.

Kurasawa turned to go, calling over his shoulder, "I want to talk to you, Tokio-san."

She followed him inside, noting the hard look Ueda gave her as she shut the shoji behind her. She had tried her hardest not to glance at Saito and she had actually been successful. Another second outside with him and she might not have been so fortunate.

She walked behind Kurasawa, passing a servant or two on the way. She asked if he wanted tea, but received a simple no. Kurasawa was acting uncharacteristically severe, was he really that upset about Okura? Of course he was. He'd adopted her into his household just before arriving in Tonami, but that didn't mean he wanted her to live with him forever. A marriage would have secured the Hieimon family name's survival through her adoption.

Kurasawa opened the shoji and she followed after him, closing it carefully. He sat and she sat beside him. He said nothing for a long moment, but she felt his eyes on her. "Why did you refuse Okura-san?"

Her hands clutched together in her lap, "I can not marry such a man."

"Why not? He's a good man." A good man…just like Kurasawa, just like Saito…

"I know what sort of man he is, Kurasawa-sama, and his type of man can never…" She wasn't sure how to continue, would he even care that she'd refused because of love? "Okura-sama would not have…could not…have made me happy. I would only be miserable in Tokyo, away from all I love and care for in Tonami." Away from him…from Amane, Satsuki, Haruna, Ueda…Yaso…Saito…Saito…

He closed his eyes, frowning, "You could meet new people and come to love those people as much as you loved everyone in Tonami. You could come to love Okura-sama easily for all his good qualities. He's an honorable..." She bowed and he fell silent. "Why are you being difficult? Any of the other girls would gladly take your place, Tokio-san!"

"Let them have Okura-sama then."

He glared at her hunched figure, "I can't understand you. Why would you―."

"Perhaps I can explain her actions," Saito interjected, closing the shoji behind him. Her hands, which she'd managed by sheer will to unclench and lay folded in her lap, were now gripping her thighs. He sat, pulling out a cigarette, did he ever not smoke? "Her actions are indeed bizarre to anyone who does not understand her mindset."

"Her mindset," Kurasawa was looking at her with confusion.

"Let us look at this objectively, Kurasawa-san. Marriage to Okura-san means several things. First off moving to Tokyo. That can be looked at as either a good or bad thing. She'd leave behind everyone she loves to go, but she'd be away from the sickness that grips Tonami." The morality rate in Tonami was high because of the poor quality of living and the meager diet because of the terrain. "Next we must take into consideration Okura-sama. This certainly tips the balance of the scales in either direction depending on how one looks at it. To you and Ueda-san marriage is an agreeable thing. To Tokio-san she will be more a slave, expected to bear many children, and will be restricted as to what she can or can't do. Then there is honor. To take that into account must mean to Tokio-san that she must refuse him. Her dignity would rather she die in Tonami from disease than live a long comfortable life in Tokyo. She'd be miserable there, but happy here."

"But her duty―."

"I did not take that into much account because Tokio-san does not."

"Stop interrupting me, Goro-san!"

"I would if you'd stop with the stupid sentences," Saito smoked calmly from his cigarette. He still acted the same unwavering, emotionless bastard on the outside, but she loved him even more than ever. Though she knew he'd never admit it to anyone he'd been persuading her case to Kurasawa and trying to lessen the man's anger which he knew made her upset over her decision.

"Goro-san," she bowed deeply, trying to calm down her heart. It wasn't right to love him, he was married. Her two questions rattled in her brain and she wondered again about the second one as she watched him smoke. He flicked his cigarette ash into the ash tray Kurasawa kept in his room for him. One amber orb watched her out of the corner of his eye, his lips twitched slightly, almost as if he wanted to smile but didn't want to upset Kurasawa. Kurasawa would have been deeply annoyed if he had.

Kurasawa was talking, ranting about honor and dignity, duty to one's clan or death. But the clans were little more than name now. Not since 1868. Back than if she'd refused she would have been forced to commit jigai by Aizu, but the clan wasn't really a clan anymore. Their Daimyo Matsudaira Katamori was still under house arrest and they were more survivors of war banding together than a clan of samurai.

Kurasawa finally gave in after he realized there was no getting through to her. After a time he sighed, dismissing her and Saito from his quarters. She stood outside Kurasawa's room with Saito. He looked back at her. Finally he turned to go, but not in the direction to his rooms. "Come," was all he said.

She followed him. The garden was his destination. She was a little surprised, but not in a bad way. There was little wind and the humidity was mild. She sat on the porch as he strolled over to the fish pond. She watched his back, leaning his head over a little as he looked down at the dark water. He picked up a rock at his feet and dropped it into the pond. Why bother the fish? What a contumelious bastard.

He turned his head, almost as if he was reading her inner thoughts. He placed one arm on his waist, staring at her across the garden. "Are you afraid to come further out? Afraid I'll throw a rock?"

His words laced with amusement only annoyed her. She ventured a few steps out, but didn't approach the pond. "I believe your anger is valid," he acceded, "but what is making you so discomposed as of late?"

"I am angry at you," her voice came out stronger and louder than she'd intended. She didn't want to take them back though; she was angry, so angry. It was the anger of betrayal. Why was she angry? It was a stupid question for Saito to ask. Didn't he know she was angry because he'd chosen beautiful Yaso over her? She saw his eyes narrow at her and she realized why a second later. Her eyes were glimmering with tears.

"Is that a tear in your eye?"

"Yes it is." It was uselessly denying what was obvious.

"Why?" How could she explain that to him? How was it he didn't understand? He had understood everything else about her so well, how come this confused him? "Do you cry because you wished you'd said yes to Okura-san or is it because of the discomfort you've caused Kurasawa-san and others because of your refusal?"

She stared, "Idiot." She turned away, her voice had choked on that one word. She pressed her kimono to her face, willing the tears not to fall. Crying in front of him was so…pathetic. He probably thought so at the least. What kind of honorable, dignified woman cried in front of a man who was not even related to her? And called him an idiot in the process? "I'm sorry, Goro-san," she muttered, bowing to him.

She was about to turn away, "Tokio-san. You never answered me. Don't walk away. Are you afraid to say why?"

Her heart stopped for a second, "No. I just don't think…it matters." It didn't matter. He didn't care. He really was an indifferent bastard. Perhaps not indifferent, but still a bastard.

He'd done so many things, little things like a passing phase on most days or something, causally said but with all the weight of many. He'd said things which would have been taken as insolent by others, but to her had meant he cared. The time he'd called her doubt in her friends belittling, the witty repertoire between them, the smiles she coaxed out at great effort. She loved him and yet…yet he hadn't thought the same through out everything. How had that been? How had she misread it all? How had she not seen his regard to Yaso? Love had blinded her. She felt like a fool, even more so when she realized he hadn't intentionally wooed her.

She turned away from him, her shoulders were shaking. She walked the short distance to the house and stepped inside. A hand touched her sleeve softly and she glanced at her younger brother with surprise. He closed the shoji after her, took her hand, and started off to her apartments.

"I understand now, Tokio-chan," he said when they stopped in front of her room. "I do, koishii, forgive me for not having seen it. You hide your true feelings so well. I'll be leaving any day now, I hope you'll see me off. Koi shiteru, Tokio-chan," he touched her cheek softly and turned down the hall. She watched him go, her face flushed. Her dear brother…she loved him too.