Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Scratching the Itch ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin

 

 

 

Kaoru sighed happily as she and Tae entered one of Tokyo's nicer dry goods and clothing shops. The cool interior was a welcome break from the late-morning sun, already warmer than yesterday at midday. A few other customers milled about in the open room, taking in the exceptional wares. The myriad of colors and patterns on the fabrics drew her eyes in almost too many directions. There was no doubt that she was a great lover of pretty kimono.

 

She trailed boken-roughened fingers over the cool silk of some particularly lovely hair ribbons as she wandered by. A beautiful indigo briefly caught her eye.

 

“Ah, Kaoru-chan, come look at this!”

 

Tae's enthusiasm for shopping was almost contagious. Kaoru had jumped at the chance to spend some time with Tae when she asked last week. It was good to get out of the dojo for something other than class or groceries. She loved her students, but being in the company of another woman was refreshing.

 

Kaoru walked over to Tae, smiling at her girlish exclaiming over a display of new kimono.

 

“Aren't these fabrics stunning? And the obi match so well,”

 

Kaoru nodded in agreement. The fabrics truly were fine, the perfect weight of silk for the midsummer season. Flowing but with a definite weight to hang attractively on the body. Bright and sophisticated colors in almost every shade graced the racks.

 

Several kimono were attractive, but one in particular caught her eye. It was a warm golden amber, with a delicate pattern of various blues running through the garment. A light blue obi with yellow flowers complemented it perfectly. She didn't realize how long she'd been staring at it until Tae's voice broke into her thoughts.

 

“Why don't you try it on?”

 

Kaoru dropped the sleeve she'd been fingering, ignoring how the fabric caught just a bit on her calluses.

 

“I couldn't, it's too nice.”

 

Tae placed a friendly hand on her shoulder and winked conspiratorially.

 

“That's part of the fun.”

 

A very observant saleswoman politely offered a curtained dressing area. At Tae's continued prodding, Kaoru agreed to put it on. She shooed both of them out of the room, insisting she could get it on herself.

 

Truly, she was trying to fight down the blush that colored her cheeks. Practiced fingers unwound her familiar obi and comfortable yukata from her athletic body, placing them carefully on a little table. With trepidation, she drew on the garment that was too good for a kendo instructor.

 

The fabric felt like heaven, cool and soft on her slightly tanned skin. It hung well on her slender frame, falling perfectly after she tied the koshi-himo and date-jime belts to hold the fold in place. The obi went on easily as well, sliding smoothly as she turned the bow knot to the back. She looked down at herself, running rough hands over the fabric.

 

She felt like she was wearing another woman's clothes.

 

“Kaoru-chan, come out! I want to see.” Tae's voice was insistent.

 

Kaoru stepped out carefully, taking in the slightly surprised looks of Tae and the saleswoman. After several long moments, she began to fidget.

 

“Tae?”

 

Tae started and looked Kaoru dead in the eye, serious and sincere.

 

“Oh, Kaoru. You look beautiful.”

 

Kaoru looked at her for a moment, and promptly burst into tears.

 

Twenty minutes and many apologies later, Tae brought a cup of cool water to a red-eyed Kaoru in the shade of a food-vendor's umbrella. Kaoru accepted it gratefully, taking careful sips between sniffles.

 

“I'm sorry,” she mumbled.

 

Tae put a gentle hand on her knee.

 

“I should be the one apologizing.” The older woman watched her for a few moments. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Kaoru sighed.

 

“I'm just being stupid.”

 

“Stupid or no, something isn't right. It's not like you to break down like that.”

 

Kaoru stared at the water in the cup, the lunchtime crowd a low din around her.

 

“I should be happy,” she started softly. “I have what I wanted for so long.”

 

Tae was quiet, nodding for her to continue.

 

“It's just . . .I feel like I'm whining saying it out loud. . .” She took a deep breath and looked Tae in the eyes. “I always say `I love you' first.”

 

Tae blinked. Kaoru placed the cup down and put her head in her hands.

 

“God, that sounded so stupid.”

 

“Keep going,” Tae said, without reproach.

 

Kaoru looked for the words necessary to voice the turmoil in her mind and heart.

 

“That's not quite it. I'm always initiating everything when it comes to us. Walks, conversations, touches, and other. . .” she blushed, “intimacies.”

 

Tae, nonplussed, silently urged her to go on.

 

“He never really notices me, no matter what I do. I mean, I know he can seem a bit obtuse, but I thought that was an act.”

 

“So why the crying?”

 

Kaoru looked down, picking up the cup and taking a small sip. She brushed away a few stray tears.

 

“I just don't feel wanted. You don't know how much I've wanted to hear what you said today from his lips.” She raised a hand to cover her mouth, a small sob escaping before she could hide it. Tae rubbed comforting circles on her back for a few moments while she regained her composure. A deep breath cleared her aching lungs and calmed her a little.

 

“There's still this. . .barrier between us. Like he's holding back.” She let out a little laugh. “I even mentioned marriage once, and you know what he said?”

 

Tae shook her head.

 

“'Whatever you want, Kaoru.' What I wouldn't give for him to tell me what he wants! To tell me something besides `take an umbrella today' or `what would you like for dinner.' And I don't want to tell him that he should tell me when, if, he likes how I look. Then I'll never know if he means it or if he's just doing what I want.”

 

She looked down again, swirling the water in her cup.

 

“Sometimes I think I'm part of his penance.”

 

Tae squeezed her hand. Kaoru looked up at her with a heavy gaze.

 

“What do you think? Am I being foolish?”

 

“No, you're not. You have to be honest about what you're feeling.” Tae paused, eyes watching the passers-by. Eventually she looked at Kaoru. “Sometimes there is a difference between loving someone and being in love.”

 

Kaoru's eyes widened. Tae's words struck home deep inside, right to the center of her ache.

 

“But . . .I have more than most people. Some women aren't so lucky.”

 

Tae smiled a little.

 

“That doesn't mean you have to be unhappy.”

 

Kaoru sighed. “True.”

 

Tae looked around and leaned in closer.

 

“What about the policeman?”

 

If Kaoru weren't feeling so down, she would have laughed at Tae's dramatics. Tae had long been her confidante, and her trysts with Saito were no exception.

 

“I haven't seen him in almost three months. When I asked after a couple of weeks at the station, they said he was `on assignment.' Whatever that means.”

 

“So things are still left open?”

 

“No, I asked his colleagues to give him a written message when he returned. It was pretty simple, just telling him I wouldn't see him anymore.

 

“It's probably for the best actually. Kenshin insisted on accompanying me everywhere for that first week, so even getting the note written was difficult.”

 

“It sounds like Kenshin-san was jealous.”

 

Kaoru thought for a bit.

 

“It feels more like competitive. He and the policeman used to be rivals.”

 

Tae hummed in agreement.

 

“But, I can't be the other woman anymore. It isn't fair to me or his wife. I may not feel appreciated with Kenshin, but at least I'm behaving honorably.”

 

Tae furrowed her brow a little.

 

“Just be careful that you're not letting your honor get in the way of what you need.”

 

Kaoru nodded, rolling Tae's words around in her head.

 

After a while, Tae stood up briskly.

 

“Lunch?” she said.

 

Kaoru smiled. Tae always helped her feel better.

 

……………..

 

Kaoru realized as she was walking home that Tae had slipped a hair ribbon in that stunning amber fabric into her small parcel. A little note attached read:

 

`Think about getting the kimono!'

 

Kaoru laughed a little, then sobered as she considered Tae's words.

 

`What do I need? What will make me happy?'

 

Certainly it would help if she felt loved and desired. There was no doubt that Kenshin cared for her. He was very good at keeping her house clean, her stomach full and riffraff off her doorstep.

 

But he did that before he slept with her.

 

Kaoru turned down the winding path near the river, not ready to go to the dojo just yet. A small breeze had sprung up, cooling the heat of the afternoon. Children played along the bank of the lightly flowing water, mothers keeping watchful eyes nearby. She found a semi-secluded spot near a bower of willows where she could watch but still feel apart.

 

She'd tried really hard not to compare the two, but considering they were her only experiences with sex, it was only natural. At least she stayed focused on Kenshin when they were in the midst of things. But in the quiet moments later, restless comparisons floated to the surface.

 

Sex with Kenshin had an aching sweetness to it. Their equal heights made for toe-curling intimate moments, his lips hovering over hers, hot breath bathing her face with each thrust. He was always gentle and considerate, going to great lengths to make her cum at least once before him.

 

It also was much less frequent than she'd expect for a live-in lover. Once a week, if she was lucky. Being the initiator all the time, she'd learned quickly when her advances would be rebuffed. He was gentle about it, but after a few domestic tasks that just had to be done, or solo trips to the market for dinner, her desire to handle the rejection diminished. It was a good thing she knew how to take matters into her own . . . hands.

 

Saito was completely different. He had sought her out almost every time, with the exception of their first encounter. Every time was passionate, with his domineering nature driving her arousal to a powerful peak. The dangerous and furtive nature of their coupling added an edge of excitement that heightened the experience.

 

But it was always about the pursuit, the game and the catch. Nothing more. She knew she was playing with fire, and that he could take her regardless of her desires. There was this look in his eyes that she craved, like he wanted to devour her. Even after their climaxes, his gaze would still be feral and wanting. A light shiver worked its way through her. It was almost addicting to feel desired.

 

Regardless, she'd made her choice, and Kenshin had made his. She wanted the stability his presence afforded, ironic as she'd always feared he would leave her to wander at any moment. She deserved to be loved. Even though the shadows in his eyes still spoke of penance.

 

She was lucky, wasn't she? He did keep a good house. Besides, Tae didn't have anyone at all, and some women had partners that abused them. Or cheated.

 

Kaoru winced at the resulting the stab of guilt from that thought. Had Saito's wife ever found out? Did she feel the same desire to be wanted and loved?

 

She sighed deeply. If she couldn't have love, at least her honor was intact. Well, slightly bruised from her earlier transgressions, but not unsalvageable.

 

Kaoru let her mind wander for a while, the rushing water and rustling breeze soothing her jumbled thoughts. Some time later, a light complaint from her stomach roused her from her contemplations. Time to get back. She stood, stretching lightly and enjoying the feel of her muscles playing along her frame. Perhaps a workout was in order tonight.

 

She bent to retrieve her packages. As she straightened, she noticed a presence in front of her. She stopped in mid-turn.

 

Saito stood on the hillside below her, hands placed casually in his pockets, sword and sheath gleaming darkly at his side. The light breeze picked up slightly, rouge strands of inky hair dancing around his steady amber eyes. His expression was neutral, unreadable.

 

Kaoru's heartbeat doubled. The desire to be close to him was almost painful. She'd forgotten how magnetic his presence was in the three months since she'd seen him. Even though she'd been dismayed at the location of their last encounter, he'd still made her burn.

 

They regarded each other for long moments. Kaoru cleared her throat, trying to speak around the thick emotions that almost choked her.

 

“They said you were on assignment,” she said, struggling to keep her voice calm.

 

“I got your message,” he replied coolly.

 

“Ah,” she replied. “So why are you here?”

 

“Because I don't care about your living situation.”

 

Kaoru stepped back a little, indignant.

 

“Well, I care about yours!”

 

A half smirk pulled at his features, a bit of dark amusement in his eyes. He advanced towards her up the bank. Kaoru was finding it harder to breathe with every step.

 

“Would you like to know about part of my out of town assignment?”

 

She shook her head. He smiled further in response. When he was a mere foot away, he bent his tall frame to put his head closer to hers. She jerked back a little involuntarily, wanting to drown in his intense gaze.

 

“I escorted Takagi Tokio to Aizu, where she remains.”

 

Kaoru struggled a little to get her brain to work. Takagi Tokio, why did she-.

 

Kaoru gasped.

 

“Your wife?”

 

He straightened a little, looking down on her ruefully.

 

“Former wife.”

 

Kaoru looked away, guilt searing her insides. A hand fluttered to her mouth, holding back the feeling crawling up her throat.

 

“It was a mutual decision. Our marriage was based on old alliances that no longer exist. There was no need to continue.”

 

She met his eyes again, searching for the truth of his words. He saw the question in her gaze.

 

“She never knew,” he said, more quietly.

 

Kaoru's heart gave a little sigh, and a thread of hope laced through her. Her mind drove that down as reality struck home.

 

“That doesn't change anything. I'm . . . with Kenshin.”

 

“I told you I don't care.”

 

Fury rushed through her.

 

“So, your situation is now honorable, so I have to make myself available to your libido?” She lowered her voice to a hiss, mindful that they were not alone. “I got something from you when I couldn't get what I needed, and it worked for a while. But I can't do that anymore. I want to be loved. I want more than just sex.”

 

That damned hunger was back in his gaze, laced with something else. Determination?

 

A warm ungloved hand cupped the back of her neck with gentle swiftness. He bent so his face was within centimeters, eyes never leaving hers.

 

“So do I.”

 

Saito's lips took hers tenderly, coaxing her trembling lips to open with soft strokes of his tongue. His other hand caressed her face, rough fingers holding her as if she was a precious thing. The kiss was sweet and sensual, a myriad of tender emotions projected through his actions. Somewhere she had the presence of mind to respond.

 

His lips pulled away, eyes hooded. He released her face with a lingering touch, seeming reluctant. He started walking past her up the hill, stopping briefly to whisper in her ear.

 

“Your honor only adds to your beauty.”

 

His light footsteps disappeared behind her.

 

Kaoru's knees gave way, and she sat heavily on the bank. The wind caught the tail of the ribbon from her package where it lay scattered on the ground.

 

The amber flame fluttered noisily against the brown wrapping.