Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Shattered ❯ A Step Forward ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except this shiny penny that I found on the ground today... Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki, so who am I to compare?


Shattered
By Lacrymosa

Chapter 3: A Step Forward

"* * *" is a flashback
"- - - - - -" is a divider

Author’s note: Be prepared for some fluff. In fact, you might want to consider getting an umbrella.
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The next day Kaoru woke up earlier than she had in a long time, and was filled with almost a sense of surrealism. The slightly distilled light poured through the window and created flickering patterns against the rumpled blankets of her bed. Her hair curled around her face in a soft embrace, and if Kaoru breathed in deeply enough, she could still smell the lingering jasmine scent.

The house made soft creaking sounds, almost inaudible against the chirping of the birds outside and the whisper of quivering leaves. She turned around on her side, brushing her hair aside in one quick movement. Propping her elbow up on her pillow, she rested her face lightly in the palm of her hand, scanning the unfamiliar room. Her saffire eyes flickered to her suitcase, noting the clothes that lay nestled safely inside.

She felt, if not relaxed, than at least content, despite the situation that she found herself in.

It was annoying her.

Kaoru let her hand drop and pushed herself gracelessly out of bed. Her knees cracked at the unexpected movement, and she flexed them slightly to loosening up her joints. She felt a familiar twitch in her hands and managed to smile at the sensation. Eyeing the worn-out bokken that lay beside her suitcase, she quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes before gathering up her practice gear and slipping quietly out of her room.

The morning chill left her feeling more awake than before, and made the smile that graced her lips widen. The well-worn haori and gi were old, but she found them to be the best clothes for sword-practice. The bokken was light in her grip, and it seemed to make her whole body hum with tension and excitement.

This is what you live for, it whispered to her gently. This is who you are.

Yes, she replied. And prepared herself to begin.

Her arms swept forward in a familiar position, and her fingers curled slightly on the hilt of the bokken, adjusting her grip. Her hair brushed against her shoulders, sending ice prickling down her spine. She lost herself in the sweep of the katas, her body dancing with the feeling of power and grace that filled her limbs. The sun rose steadily above her, and soon the early light of dawn had grown into the blazing rays of mid-morning.

Kaoru smiled in her exhaustion, not at all surprised at the way time had passed her by. She finished the final strokes of her kata and then let her arms relax against her sides. She eased herself down on the ground, the grass still slightly wet with dew. Her panting seemed unusually loud, and she gave herself a few moments, lying there serenely on the grass, to catch her breath.

She was distracted from her meditation by a creak, and it took her a few moments to register the sound as a gate opening. Someone was there. She shot to her feet, not surprised, exactly, but mostly embarassed to be found lying on the ground. She felt sweaty and dirty, and probably looked like a mess. She tried to dust a few traces of dirt off her shoulder subtly with her hand, but the movement was terribly obvious.

She didn't recognize this old man, though his face was round and jovial with a short beard pulled down from his chin. His knarled hands were clasped in front of him, the weathered fingers curled around the handle of a bag. He was smiling at her, his soft eyes crinkled with a softness and friendliness that made Kaoru relax.

The man bowed deeply in front of her, and Kaoru did the same. He introduced himself first, and his voice was smooth and a friendly, with the faintest hint of an accent.

"Good morning," he said, as if they had met like this everyday of their life. "My name is Oguni Gensai, I'm the local doctor here." He made a gesture towards her with his hands.

"When I last saw you, you were dangerously sick. Though from your earlier display I can assume that you're feeling much better." He chuckled to himself and walked past her towards the entrance to the house.

Kaoru followed behind the doctor and stepped up into the house after him. There was Kenshin coming around the corner, a drying towel slung over his wrist and a damp cup held in his hands.

"Gensai-sensei," he said in aknowledgement to the doctor, his tone welcoming. He caught sight of Kaoru, and his eyes widened.

"Kaminawa-san!" He grinned sheepishly. "I thought you were still asleep..."

She shook her head, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. Kenshin led them into the kitchen, and the doctor sat down at the table, setting his bag down beside him. Kenshin pulled out a chair from the table and offered it to Kaoru, his violet eyes strangely guarded as she sat down.

The doctor took his time in explaining why he had come. He and Kenshin exchanged old news, and once the doctor asked Kaoru what she thought of his two granddaughters. Kaoru felt strangely detached from the conversation, feeling more and more like and outsider from a world of such simplicity. She doubted that anyone in such a secluded area had ever needed to worry about murders or the hardships of life on their own. She envied them.

"Kaminawa-san?"

It was Gensai-sensei. She looked up from her scrutiny of the table to meet the old man's deep-set eyes.

"Yes?" she replied. She caught a glimmer in the corner of her eye, and her gaze was drawn to the silky russet hue of Kenshin's hair. And once again she was awed at such a foreign color.

"I was saying that it appears that you have recovered remarkably well. Do you have any concerns you might wish to ask me? Do you feel alright now, or have you had any problems?"

Once again Kaoru found herself shaking her head. "No," she told him. "Himura-san told me that I had a high fever, and I was dizzy for awhile after I woke up yesterday, but I feel fine now. I probably just got sick from being outside in the rain.

"You really don't need to worry about me," she assured the doctor. "I'll be fine."

If he thought her assurances were too sincere, or if he had any doubts of his own, the old doctor didn't show it. His eyes crinkled at the corners in a genial smile, and he bade good-bye to them both. Kenshin walked the old man to the gate, and Kaoru was left alone in the kitchen, watching the sunlight flicker across Kenshin's hair as he slipped out of the room.

She pulled a strand of her own hair out of her ponytail, and rubbed the coarse thread between her fingers, meditating. A million thoughts coursed through her head, none with simple answers to them.

She was free to go now. She no longer needed to accept Kenshin's hospitality; it might even be unwelcomed now. Maybe he expected to return to see her packing her things, ready to leave.

Did she want to leave? Where would she go if she did?

The answer to that question was easy. She didn't have anywhere to go.

And then there was the question that Kaoru hardly even dared to consider. What if she did stay? Was she prepared for what she might find --no-- what she probably wouldn't find, the way things were going.

But she couldn't stay here. How could she ask him to him let her stay? If she felt like an outsider now, she would only feel more so in time. She didn't belong here; she didn't belong anywhere for that matter.

She felt a twitching in her fingers again, but it was a different tingle this time. It was nervousness, it was the urge to smash things, preferably something that she could smash into a thousand pieces.

And then she was filled with a helplessness that shocked her more than anything else. She couldn't afford to lose hope, to lose that stubborn persistence that had kept her going for so long. If she did, she would crumble; shatter like leaves in autumn. The truth was, she was a little bit afraid to be alone again. To have to start things on her own again, to have to run around in circles only to end up in the same place where she started.

But she couldn't admit to this. She couldn't acknowledge any weakness she might have, if she was avenge her father. She couldn't give up, to do so would be to turn her back on everything that was important to her, and she would no longer be able to carry around the sakabatou, or even her old bokken for that matter. The Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu would wither and die until her father’s ideals became nothing more than wishful thinking. It was her responsibility to uphold them.

She let the strand of hair slide from her fingers, and pushed herself away from the table. She couldn't sit around anymore, waiting for her demons to catch up with her. The demon with amber eyes...

She shivered slightly, and closed her eyes for a brief moment, hesitating. Kaoru didn't like making choices. To her, things had always seemed to come naturally; the right choice had always been obvious to her.

Kenshin... She wasn't done with him yet. He had caused such a deep stirring in her, and she was almost sure that there was more to him that what he allowed others to see. If she could stay, somehow, maybe be able to keep an eye on him until she was satisfied...

To run away now would be cowardice. He confused her, one moment having her think 'No way, it couldn't be him,' and the next moment, 'Maybe, just maybe he is...'

But she didn't have a choice. Kenshin had neither offered her to stay nor given her any clue that he would. She was only assuming.

The choice was obvious, but she didn't want to accept it. She would have to leave.

This is crazy, she thought. What am I making such a big deal out of? 'Himura Kenshin' is just someone who helped me, someone who was kind enough to take care of me when I was sick. It's stupid of me to continue this absurd suspicion when it so obvious that...

That what? Appearances are deceiving, Kaoru. You're instincts have always been good. Why do you think it feels so wrong to have to walk away from this?

She was at her temporary room now. She lingered in the doorway, like a bird poised for flight and she hesitated once again.

She didn't hear any footsteps behind her. The voice that seemed so chillingly familiar that said "Kaminawa-san?" behind her made Kaoru jump. She whirled around, stumbling into the room as she did so. She knew that right now her eyes were probably wide with surprise, but not fright. No, she couldn't be afraid.

She pasted a smile on her face and even her voice sounded strained to her.

"I just want to… thank you very much for helping me. I appreciate it very much and will always remember your kindness."

Kenshin's eyes were sincere as he asked, "Is there anywhere you need me to drive you? Are there any friends nearby that you could stay with?"

She almost laughed. She didn't have any friends that she could go to; if she had she would have gone to them already. She tried to hide any signs of treachery from her voice and said, "I have an aunt that lives a nearby. If you would be so kind to drive me to Tokyo, I would appreciate it. I can take the train to my aunt's home from there."

Kenshin's eyes betrayed no suspicions about her lie, and she told him that she would be packed and ready to go in a few minutes. He excused himself - was his voice a bit strained? - and Kaoru was alone in the room.

As Kaoru had expected, she had so little belongings that she just had to stuff her threadbare clothes into her battered suitcase and strap her sword and bokken onto her back and she was ready to go. She was feeling that strange sense of surrealism again as she slid the door of the room close, the soft thud as it met the doorframe vibrating through the house in what seemed to her as finality. Her breathing was soft but her heart was pounding.

She met Kenshin outside, and he lifted her suitcase into the back seat, despite the fact that she had informed him that she could do it herself. It wasn't all that heavy, after all. He shrugged it off with a smile as he pried her fingers away from the handle.

"You're still a little sick, and you have a train ride ahead of you as well. I can do it."

She laughed at him, but loosened her fingers and allowed him that single act of chivalry. He was so kind...

And then they were on the highway, and Kaoru imagined that she could see Kenshin's home through the thick patch of forest that concealed it. She could see the faint glimmer of the river farther away, and even the top of a few buildings peeked out from behind the trees. It looked so comfortable there. Like an oasis.

The radio was on, and Kenshin was humming the tune to an english song that Kaoru recognised, but she couldn't remember the name. It had a wistful feeling behind the fairly upbeat music, or was she just imagining that it did?

It wouldn't be a very long drive to Tokyo, and the silence between them would have been a comfortable one if Kaoru wasn't so tense. She gripped the hilt of her bokken tightly, her fingers rubbing against the familiar nicks and dents in the wood.

Thankfully, Kenshin was braver than Kaoru, or perhaps knew that the silence was about to choke her any second and asked, "So, how old are you, Kaminawa-san?"

"Nineteen," she replied, trying hard to make her voice not squeak.

"I'm twenty-seven," he said, a ghost of a laugh in his voice, as if he had said an old joke.

"Do you practice kenjutsu?" he continued, somehow making his eyes linger on the bokken for a few moments while still being able to drive straight. His voice had become quieter, his tone no longer friendly, but somehow guarded. And slightly curious, of course.

She felt the hard coldness of the sakabatou beside her, so different from the comforting warmth of her bokken.

"Yes... I do." Or did, a taunting voice in her head whispered.

His eyes had mysteriously locked themselves onto the road again. “That is interesting,” he replied. Kaoru didn’t say anything else about it, and neither did he.

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Once they had arrived within the borders or the city, Kaoru had begun to feel numb. Now the numbness was bordering on a muted sort of panic, but it was easy to shrug it off. It was easy to pull herself out of the car and it was easy to laugh at the put-down expression on Kenshin’s face as she beat him to her suitcase.

Outside of the platform was crowded, and she wanted to be rid of Kenshin before he realized that she wouldn’t be taking a train at all. It would be easy to slip through the hordes of people, and if she was lucky Kenshin wouldn’t ever discover her deception. She turned around to thank him, to separate her path from his, to cut herself completely away from his life. It was unlikely that she would ever see him again, so it was better to forget him.

“Thank you...Himura-san, for all the help you have given me.” She told him, and she didn’t to fake the sincerity in her voice.

She waited for him to reply, waited for him to say the words that would make it alright for her to go. He just nodded, and said “Good-bye then, Miss Kaoru.”

It wasn’t what she had expected, but it was enough. She nodded and turned her back on him. It will be easy to forget him, she told herself.

She weaved through the crowds, knowing that there was surely another exit somewhere. It shouldn’t be too hard to find an exit relatively far away from where Kenshin was parked. It would be awful if he found her walking away from the railway when she was supposed to be on it.

However, no matter how many times she tried to convince herself, she couldn’t truly forget the look on Kenshin’s face when he had said good-bye. His eyes… they were so strange. Mostly violet but… tinted with…amber… They were like flecks of gold hidden in his irises. They certainly could shimmer interestingly at times.

Kaoru shook away these thoughts. Forget him, forget! she snapped at herself mentally. She spotted a door, and could vaguely see the outline of the buildings through the glass. She weaved her way towards it, and extended a hand to grasp the smooth metal of the handle. But then something stopped her.

Kaoru heard a voice behind her. It was like two days ago, when she had first spotted him in the crowds. His voice was faint, but insistent, and she stopped and turned around to face him. She didn’t really believe what she was hearing until she saw his bright hair, a stark contrast against the uniform black of everyone else’s hair.

“K-kenshin?” she stammered, her eyes widening. No, no, he couldn’t be here. He had left. He must have…

“Kaoru!” he cried out again. He was holding her jacket in his clenched hand. The jacket that… she had forgot in the seat of his car. Damn.

“Kenshin?” she asked again, this time her voice giving hint of her shock.

“Kaminawa-san,” he wasn’t even panting after his run across practically the entire railway. And the subtle change between his earlier “Kaoru!” to now the polite “Kaminawa-san” wasn’t lost on her. He extended his hand to her, and she accepted her jacket incredulously.

“Thank you. Again,” she replied, trying to sound polite and not nervous.

But Kenshin certainly wasn’t stupid, or as unobservant as not to notice that Kaoru was by an exit, and not in line for a train to Yokohama or some other place. His eyebrows lifted in silent question. Kaoru deflated.

“I’m sorry,” she said, truly meaning it. She heard Kenshin sigh in response.

“You don’t have anywhere to go at all, do you?” he asked, shaking his head.

It was Kaoru’s turn to sigh. She could just tell him to mind his own business, but he deserved to know. It had been wrong to deceive him. “No,” she said with finality. There was just no arguing with it.
“And I’m sorry, but--”

“Stop apologizing,” he interrupted, with just a hint of ire in his voice. Her eyes hardened at his tone and she turned to leave. She owed him the truth, certainly, but she definitely didn’t owe him an explanation.

She was stopped by a warm grip on her wrist. She jumped slightly at the contact, and instinctively pulled away from him with jerk.

“No, wait,” his voice was pleading. And this shocked her more than anything else.

“Please… don’t walk away like this,” he continued, and with a gentle pull on her shoulder he turned her around to face him. Her cerulean eyes immediately clashed with his violet ones… but there was something different in them now. They were… more amber now then they had been before. Kaoru shivered under his touch, and his eyes darkened as he felt it.

“Please… let me help you.” She shook her head, not daring to believe…

“I’ve managed to live comfortably for the past eight years on a generous inheritance, but my property is quite large and I could use a boarder. I’m sure you could find a job…”

No, no, this can’t be happening, no… she was chanting like a mantra in her head.

“… And once you’ve settled done you can feel free to do what you want, but you have to understand that I can’t just let you go when I know that I can help. Please, let me help.”

Every time he said please, Kaoru could feel herself relenting more and more. She almost could have laughed. In the end, there wasn’t really a choice for her to make, was there?

He held his hand out to her, pleading for her to accept. He… he really wanted to help her, didn’t her? Her fingers trembled slightly, but she didn’t hesitate as she placed her fingers in Kenshin’s offered hand. As she did, she felt strange, like her body had suddenly turned around in a different direction. And she realized that this was what it felt like to finally take a step forward.

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A /N:

Wow, I’m shocked at how long it took to post this. Well, it’s a little short, but I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to everyone who reviewed!!

-Lacrymosa