Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Journey ❯ Chapter Two: Departure ( Chapter 2 )

CHAPTER TWO:Departure

 

Lunch was a rather quiet affair. With Sano gone there wasn't anyone for Yahiko to compete with when it came to food, since Kenshin and I weren't gluttons like those two. Brat just stuffed his face with food, gobbling it down with that annoying chomping noise. He seemed to have forgotten what happened at the dojo earlier. Kenshin, on the other hand, seemed to pick up on my deflated spirits but decided to leave me alone with my thoughts, which suited me just fine until Yahiko opened that mouth of his.

 

“Hey, what's your problem? Why'd you walk out earlier? Looked like you were gonna cry,” he remarked, leaning back to scratch his stomach.

 

Kenshin looked at me with concern in his eyes. “Is something the matter, Kaoru-dono?” he inquired, raising his eyebrows which lent him his usual innocent, clueless look.

 

Kaoru-dono, I thought bitterly. Up until now it's Kaoru-dono! I am not his landlady!

 

“Nothing,” I managed to say with an awkward smile. “I just needed to cool off, that's all.”

 

“Yeah, well, why didn't you `cool off' after our lesson, huh?” Yahiko demanded.

 

The brat's really testing my patience today. I ignored him, silently counting from one to ten.

 

“You really looked like you were gonna cry,” Yahiko went on. “What's the matter, tired of your ugly mug?” he snickered.

 

Something inside me snapped. A deep, boiling rage took over my depression. I can't take it anymore! I've had enough of his insults! I take him in and teach him the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu because he wanted to be strong and what does he repay me with? Insults and belligerence. All I'm asking for is a shred of respect in return but does he give me that? No!

 

I didn't even know what I was doing until the sharp sound of my hand slapping his cheek reached my ears. Yahiko's face was that of shock, clutching his reddened cheek.

 

“Don't you call me that again,” I hissed through my angry tears, my voice low. I was shaking with barely repressed fury. “What is it with you, Yahiko? What should I do for you to respect me? That's all I'm asking from you. Is that too much to ask for?”

 

Yahiko didn't respond. I suppose he was too surprised to answer.

 

“Answer me!”

 

“Kaoru-dono…”

 

I whirled around and faced Kenshin. “Stay out of this,” I snarled. “This is between me and him. I will deal with you later.” At this, Kenshin's eyes widened, maybe wondering what he did wrong to anger me.

 

I ignored him and faced Yahiko again. His jaw opened and closed, but no sound came out. I narrowed my eyes. “I thought so,” I said quietly, anger giving an edge to my voice. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kenshin's eyes darting back between me and my student. “You know what I think? I think the reason why you don't respect me is because you think I'm weak. Is that it?”

 

Yahiko blinked at me, disbelieving. “What—I—no!”

 

“Oh, don't give me that,” I spat. “I always end up getting kidnapped, I always end up needing to be rescued. Well, that's about to change.”

 

“What do you mean?” Kenshin asked quietly.

 

I took a deep breath to compose myself. “I mean, I will be away for a while. To train, to become better in kenjutsu, I suppose. That way, maybe you'll…” Relaxing my tense posture, I averted my gaze to avoid looking at him and Yahiko. “…There are some things I need to figure out for myself. Alone.” I emphasized the word. “I just…maybe I'm just tired of being taken for granted,” I murmured, more to myself than to them. “The time away from you will do me good.”

 

Kenshin opened his mouth in protest, but I held up a palm to shush him. “Don't even try to dissuade me. I've made up my mind. Tomorrow, before dawn breaks, I will be leaving the house and the dojo to you. Take care of the place while I'm gone.”

 

“Where will you go?” Kenshin asked, quiet hurt in his voice and face.

 

I shrugged slightly and shook my head. A minute of silence passed, ending everything that had just transpired. With that, I spun on my heel and left the room, leaving them to their thoughts.

 

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Kenshin and Yahiko left me alone for the rest of the day, which suited me just fine because I didn't want to see them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at them anymore. Once I vent my anger, it usually goes as soon as it had come. In fact, I felt a bit sorry for slapping Yahiko. But today was different. It's more of…seeing them reminded me of what was troubling me, and I didn't want that—I needed to clear my head. So I spent the afternoon at the dojo, meditating in front of my father's swords.

 

…Maybe I'm just tired of being taken for granted…

 

The memory of those words came rushing back at me. Now that I think about it, they do take me for granted, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of Yahiko's flagrant disrespect and of Kenshin's indecision. I want out for a while. Yes, my life was richer when they came; they became my new family and I learned so much from them. But there are some things I need to learn and nurture by myself.

 

One question that has been bothering me is this: will I survive if Kenshin would leave me? If not, what should I do?

 

I thought of going back to training. I think that's what I need right now so that I'll be stronger in both body and spirit if…if ever that happens.

 

I started to learn kenjutsu out of necessity, but over time, I grew to love it as well. I don't know how or why I did, but I suppose it's in the blood—my ancestors were samurai, after all. It makes sense that my family would be steeped in kenjutsu.

 

Thinking about it now, maybe I should train using a real sword. Before Father left, he told me that I should start learning how to do so. Now it may seem as if Father was a hypocrite, telling me to learn how to use a real blade, one that can be used for killing. But his reason was simply that a swordsman isn't a swordsman if he didn't use a sword that had an edge. He stressed that it was how the swordsman used the blade, not the blade itself that was the cause of bloodshed.

 

“The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu is the sword that protects life. It is not the blade you hold in your hands, rather the skill—no, the philosophy—that guides each swing you make. Remember this, and remember it well.”

 

I suppose I'll be protecting people with my sword if Kenshin does decide to leave me. I will live my life for others to forget the pain of separation from him.

 

Here I am thinking about him leaving me when he's just across the yard, taking down the laundry! Mou, when did I sound so—so—Kenshin-esque?

 

My eyes snapped open at the ridiculous realization, and I snorted in derision as I did. “That's the last thing you'd want to be right now, Kaoru no baka,” I muttered under my breath.

 

My gaze rested on the two swords resting on their holders before me. Reaching out, I took the longer katana, its hiss reverberating throughout the silent dojo as I took it out of its sheath. The metal glinted as it caught the rays of the afternoon sun.

 

The Blue Swordbreaker. It was called that because of the unusual strength of the metal that could, as its namesake implies, break swords. It also had a faint bluish sheen to it. The sword has been in my family for over a hundred years now, its first owner my great-grandfather Kamiya Kaoru. The Blue Swordbreaker was given to Great-grandfather Kaoru by the Shogun for saving his life. The sword was the inspiration for the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu—how could your enemies do you and others harm if their sword was broken? By breaking the enemy's sword, there would be no more further bloodshed.

 

I got into the ready stance. The sword weighed heavily in my hands, reminding me that I was the last of the Kamiyas, and that it was up to me to uphold what the Kasshin Ryu stood for.

 

I performed a kata slowly, adjusting to the weight of the sword. The wind created by the sword whistled as it sliced through the air.

 

One. Two.

 

My mind emptied itself of its concerns as I lost myself in the ordered sequence of the kata, letting my body take over. Quite some time had passed before I performed the last stroke of the kata. I was sweat-soaked and weary from swinging the heavy sword, but by then my mind had cleared enough for me to feel fulfilled with what I had just done. I shouted out a kiyai as I brought the sword down with all my strength.

 

“Te!”

 

With that I ended the kata, letting out a slow breath. As I leaned down to get the sheath, my eyes widened when I saw a familiar redheaded figure at the entrance of the dojo. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and sheathed the sword.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked, placing the sword back onto the holder.

 

“Ah, well…this unworthy one needs to talk to you.”

 

He stepped closer. I could see the determined set of his jaw, even though he tried to conceal it with a seemingly innocent expression. I raised an eyebrow expectantly. He cleared his throat.

 

“Why?”

 

My other eyebrow went up. “Eh?”

 

“Tell me why you are leaving,” Kenshin clarified.

 

I sighed, looking away. “I already told you, didn't I?”

 

“That's not enough of a reason.”

 

My head turned sharply at his direction. How dare he question me!

 

The rurouni backed away as I glared at him. “That's not what this unworthy one meant,” he said, waving his hands frantically. “Please let this unworthy one ask…” he trailed off, looking at me uncertainly.

 

“So ask,” I prompted, crossing my arms and looking at him pointedly.

 

Kenshin cleared his throat again. “How long will Kaoru-dono be gone?”

 

I shrugged. “Until I finish what I need to do. Like I said before, I need to figure some things out, and maybe train along the way. It'll probably take a long time, so you won't be seeing me for a while,” I said matter-of-factly, waiting to see his reaction.

 

“I see,” was all Kenshin said.

 

Mou, I hate awkward moments like these. I'm trying to make Kenshin squirm, but it's backfiring on me. Now I'm the one squirming under his intense gaze.

 

“But then again, I'm a fast learner, so it probably won't take as long as I said I did. And besides, I'll write often, maybe everyday, if you want me to,” I stammered.

 

Oh, for the love of Kami-sama, quit babbling like an idiot. You're trying to give him a hard time!

 

I gave myself a quick shake of the head, ignoring Kenshin's strange look directed at me. “Why are you asking anyway? Are you going to miss me?” I asked bluntly.

 

“This unworthy one—”

 

“Yes?”

 

Kenshin recovered quickly. “This unworthy one has vowed to protect you, Kaoru-dono. After what happened with Enishi's Jinchuu—”

 

I cut him off with a wave of my hand. “Trust me on this, Kenshin, I can take care of myself. I don't need you to be with me always.”

 

Liar, liar, gi on fire, my conscience taunted me.

 

“But I need you,” he whispered, as if to himself. I blinked and wondered if I heard wrong. He seemed to realize that he had let his guard down and quickly covered it up by adding something that really pissed me off.

 

“This unworthy one needs you to take care of the house with him. He thinks he would not be able to handle it,” he quickly covered up.

 

Of all the idiotic things to say, he had to ask me to help me around the house. He's an even better housekeeper than I am! Mou, if he was a girl, he'd have men falling over their feet to marry him!

 

And that, of course, painfully reminded me of my shortcomings, incurring my infamous temper, which resulted in me giving him very swirly eyes.

 

“Kenshin, you jerk!” I yelled, my arm still extended toward the wall where he was currently embedded in. “I'm leaving tomorrow and that how you say goodbye?!”

 

“Oroo…this unworthy one…”

 

“Never mind!” With that I stalked out of the dojo in a huff.

 

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That night I sat by my favorite spot in the garden, a rock beside the koi pond. One of my knees was drawn up to my chest, and I gazed at the night sky, liking the feel of the gentle breeze that caressed my arms.

 

Ah, nights like these inspire one to be poetic, ne?

 

Anyway, I was sitting by the koi pond feeling poetic when reality decided to barge in. I got one heck of a neck cramp.

 

“Ow! Mou!” I exclaimed, my hand flying to my neck to soothe it. Of course when I did, I lost my balance on the rock and fell to the ground with a dull thud.

 

Is it my unlucky day or what?

 

With a sigh I pulled myself up and rubbed my neck. Life can be such a pain sometimes, I grimaced. I thought I was going to have a night of peaceful reflection before I left, but nooo, apparently the gods have decided to have fun with me tonight.

 

Before my unfortunate accident, I was thinking about my rather abrupt decision to leave. I didn't know what possessed me to blurt it out just like that; maybe I had wanted it for such a long time now that when the opportunity presented itself it just came out.

 

Doubt began creeping in when I realized how impetuous my decision was. Sure, it was easy to say, but doing it was an entirely different matter. For one thing, where will I go? I've trained at the dojo all my life. It's not as if I learned kenjutsu like Kenshin did, alone with his master amid the mountains of Kyoto.

 

Besides, I'm only Assistant Master—Shihandai. In fact, I'm a Shihandai that hadn't even mastered her school's succession technique yet. Who will train me? The last Kamiya Kasshin Ryu master was my father, and he's dead. Yahiko was the other one who had. Considering what happened earlier, there's absolutely no way I'm going to ask for his help. It would look pathetic if the teacher would have to ask for her student's help.

 

Oh, great. Nice going, Raccoon-girl, mouthing off like that. Guess you're no different from Yahiko, then.

 

Shut up.

 

I've never been away from home by myself before. True, I left to follow Kenshin to Kyoto, but other than that I haven't. And unlike before, I won't have Yahiko, or anyone else for that matter, to go with me this time. I'll be alone.

 

I suddenly didn't want to go.

 

I frowned and tried to remember my reasons for going on this trip. I was going because: one, I want to see if I can live without Kenshin for a while; two, I want to make myself stronger physically through training and emotionally by distancing myself from Kenshin; and three, I want to do some soul-searching, to see if I am truly worthy to wield the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the Sword that Protects.

 

The first reason seemed incomprehensible. After all, I've proven time and again that I can't live without Kenshin, hadn't I? One particular example would be when he left for Kyoto—I turned into a blubbering mess until Megumi came up and told me to get my act together. That's what I admire about Megumi—she's always all business if it's needed. I suppose it comes with being a doctor. She can't afford to let her emotions cloud her judgment because her patient's life is in her hands. Does that mean that I, not being a doctor, am allowed to let my emotions fly off the handle? I've been known to act first and ask questions later. And my anxieties are always centered on Kenshin, whether it's about his cluelessness, his never-ending guilt, or his absurd compulsion to protect me from himself. If I were to go on a vacation for a while, would I be able to handle my emotions better? Is it for my own good or will it destroy me? And the million-yen question is, will I be able to live without him?

 

Staying home looks better and better already.

 

You're such a coward. You go off spouting that you're going to leave, and then at the prospect of leaving that redheaded baka you chicken out? Where's your spine when it comes to Kenshin? You're all talk and no action, my rational mind sneered. Besides, it's about time they learned to go on without you. They take you for granted. They think you'll always take care of them. Well, the buck stops here! You're going! Period! End of story!

 

But you love him, my heart shot back. You can't live without him. You know that, don't you? And would you risk hurting him by leaving? Of course not. You know how protective he is of you. Do you want him to worry?

 

Argh! These voices are driving me insane!

 

“Shut up!” I yelled, grabbing fistfuls of my hair.

 

“Kaoru-dono?”

 

I turned and saw Kenshin standing there with a mystified expression on his face. “Who were you talking to?”

 

“Nobody,” I muttered, embarrassed. Wonderful. Now he thinks I'm losing it.

 

He sat down beside me and gazed at the sky. “It is a nice night, that it is,” he remarked.

 

I nodded. My heart was pounding a mile a minute as I observed him out of the corner of my eye. I've known him for over a year now, but he never fails to catch my attention when it came to his looks. I've always been a sucker for the sensitive-looking types.

 

“Kaoru-dono is leaving tomorrow, correct?”

 

“Yes,” I replied softly, fiddling with the sleeve of my kimono. My eyes widened when he reached out and twined his fingers around mine.

 

My, he's certainly being forward tonight, isn't he? Does it have anything to do with my imminent departure?

 

He looked at our linked hands and raised his violet gaze to meet mine. There was something akin to longing that lay hidden within those depths, its intensity leaving me breathless.

 

“What is Kaoru-dono searching for?” he asked. I swallowed hard before answering; the warmth of his hand on mine made it difficult for me to focus.

 

“I…I want to be strong,” I said haltingly, looking at the ground. “I haven't even mastered the Kasshin Ryu's ougi. And I've always been a liability, right? It's true,” I insisted when Kenshin started to protest. “You've seen that for yourself. I always end up getting kidnapped—don't give me that look,” I warned him when his face contorted into a guilt-ridden expression. “That's why I'm going—I want to change that.”

 

I paused, my eyes roving side to side to gather my thoughts. I took a breath before continuing.

 

“Besides, there are things that render me…helpless—well, besides being, uh…kidnapped and...” I trailed off, uncertain on how to continue. I let out a soft sigh and turned away. “I want to get past those. I want to know that I can be strong enough even when I'm facing that I'm afraid of. That's not a bad thing, is it?” I asked meekly.

 

Kenshin shook his head. “May this unworthy one ask what are those things Kaoru-dono talked about? Perhaps he can help so that leaving would not be necessary.”

 

You make me vulnerable, I answered mentally. Just the idea of you not returning my feelings is enough to break me. And of all the ironical things, you make me strong enough to face the day with a smile. How can I leave knowing that? Yet how can I stay when I'm yearning to find the answers to my questions?

 

Instead of answering, I shook my head. I cursed myself for blowing the chance to clear things between us.

 

He stared at me intently, as if he were memorizing my face. I could see the longing in his eyes. Try as he might, he can never quite hide it. That should have been my cue to tell him how I feel, but I kept my mouth shut instead. I want him to say it first, so that I know he's sure. Besides, even if I'm not exactly conventional, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to love and courtship. I don't want to put Kenshin in a situation where he's uncomfortable with. I want him to reveal his feelings for me on his own time.

 

Of course, by saying that, I practically sealed my fate as an old maid. The way things are going, I'd probably be eighty before he tells me what I want to hear. But I can always hope, ne?

 

Kenshin tore his eyes away and looked up to the sky again. “You must go then,” he said simply. “Promise me that you will find your answer. Promise me that you will return safe and sound. And when you do, I will be the first to welcome you home.” I noticed that he used `I' and `me' instead of `this unworthy one.'

 

“You will?” I whispered, feeling tears spring to my eyes. I was touched by his complete trust in me that I will find my answers and return to him despite the world being an unsure place. Knowing him, I thought he'd tail me all throughout my trip which would defeat its purpose, but I guess I was wrong.

 

“Yes.”

 

I managed a tremulous smile. This scene reminded me of the unspoken promise between Kenshin and I—that we will always find our way home to each other. “All right, I promise.”

 

He smiled at that, and I leaned my head on his shoulder in response, savoring the intimacy between us. He draped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. No more words were spoken between us, for our hearts conveyed what we dared not speak of.

 

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I was up about an hour before the sun rose. I hadn't packed anything yet, and despite feeling giddy over how Kenshin and I spent last night, I had fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

 

“Clothes…check. Money…check. Rations…check. Hmm…sword…still in the dojo—I'll get it later,” I muttered to myself absently. “Am I missing anything else?”

 

I puttered around my room, checking to see if I missed anything else I needed. I pulled open a drawer and pawed through it. As I did, my hand brushed against something. I rooted around and took out whatever it was that piqued my curiosity.

 

A journal. Father had given it to me before he left to fight in the Seinan War. I had no idea why he did it, considering how distant we were to each other. When he gave it to me he told me to write in it someday.

 

I had stood by the gate of the dojo compound then, waiting for Father to come out. A carriage was waiting to bring him to where he would meet his superiors. He had gone back inside to retrieve something. I had walked up to him when he came out a few minutes later, about to ask him if he had everything he needed, and to say goodbye. But I never had.

 

“Kaoru."

 

“Yes, Father?”

 

“I have something for you.” I tilted my head curiously at that, wondering what Father had for me.

 

“Here.”

 

It was a journal.

 

What made it strange was how uncertain Father had looked as he gave it to me. “I…had it made a few weeks ago,” he explained. “I thought that maybe…ahem.” He stopped, as if reconsidering what he wanted to say. “Write whatever you want in it. You'll know when the time comes.”

 

“Oh…well, thank you, Father, for this gift. I'll take good care of it,” I promised. With that he gave me a rare, although small, smile and touched my cheek briefly.

 

“Take care of yourself.”

 

“I will. You too.”

 

Then he turned and walked away, closing the gate behind him. I had watched as he got on the carriage waiting outside and left.

 

And that was the last I had ever seen of him.

 

I blinked and found myself back to the present.

 

Hmm…seems like this is an appropriate time for me to use Father's gift. I've never written in a journal before, and considering how I'm about to go on a journey, it would be a good idea to write down everything that would happen. Maybe once I've accomplished what I've set out to do, I'd be able to look back.

 

With that decision, I tucked the journal into my bag. “Looks like I'll be on my way,” I remarked, slinging the bag over my shoulder. I grabbed my bokuto which would serve as my walking stick and went out of my room.

 

I decided to forgo my usual kimono—I wore men's clothing instead, a gi and hakama ensemble. I rationalized that it would be safer to look like a man. Who knows what kind of sickos roamed out there? Also, gauntlets protected my hands and wrists, and my hair wasn't in its usual high ponytail—I tied it back instead slightly loose and low in my nape. It was a new look, and I wondered why I went with it. Maybe it's because I'm about to go off on my own adventure, or maybe I just didn't want to be recognized as I make my way out of town. Whatever the reason, it felt kind of good to look different.

 

I frowned a bit as I glanced at the mirror for a final inspection of how I looked. Gi, hakama, low ponytail—kinda looks familiar…

 

…Great. I had just unconsciously mimicked Kenshin's look. For crying out loud! Am I that obsessed about that red-headed idiot? I should probably get a scar on my cheek while I'm at it. But at least I didn't leave the front of my gi gaping open like he does.

 

Well, there wasn't much time to improvise another new look, so I hurried towards the dojo and took the Blue Swordbreaker, wrapping a cloth around it to conceal it. I had to because of the law that prohibits the wearing of swords in public. Besides, it wasn't just a sword, it was a work of art—waving it around in public might cause it to get stolen.

 

After getting the sword, I looked around my home, etching every detail in memory. I won't be around here for a while, so I want to remember it the way I left it. On a less sentimental note, I need to remember it so that I know who to blame when I find it totally leveled when I return.

 

“Kaoru-dono.”

 

I turned and saw Kenshin standing a couple of feet behind me, his face unreadable in the gray light of the early morning. I tilted my head curiously, waiting for him to say something.

 

He stepped closer. “This unworthy one came to see Kaoru-dono off.”

 

I nodded. It seemed as if the closeness we shared last night was gone, just a fleeting dream. I pulled my bag higher on my shoulder to keep it from sliding off.

 

“So…goodbye then,” I said inanely. I bit my lip as I thought of something—anything—to say to him. Nothing came to mind though, and while I grappled with my confused thoughts, Kenshin came up and gathered me in his arms tightly, as tightly as he did the night he left for Kyoto.

 

Kyoto. What is it about that place that seemed to hold painful memories and feelings?

 

“Remember your promise,” he whispered in my ear. I nodded without a word, afraid of shattering the mood.

 

He released me but kept his hands on my shoulders. I gazed back at him, carving his face into my memory. The gentle violet eyes, the flaming hair, and that mouth that had a penchant for smiling that innocent grin, and that scarred cheek that was proof of his suffering and guilt.

 

Looking at the scar, I suddenly felt the urge to kiss it. I've always wanted to do that, to show Kenshin that I knew what the acceptance of that scar required of me. It's now or never, Kaoru, I encouraged myself. Come on, what have you got to lose? It's just going to be a peck on the cheek.

 

I craned my neck a little and brushed my lips on his cheek. Just a chaste, fleeting one, but it was enough for me to remember it forever. I didn't bother meeting his eyes, turning away as fast as I could. I wanted the sweetness of the moment to end on my terms. I smiled a little when I heard a soft “oro” as I pulled away.

 

I didn't look back as I made my way out of my home.

 

And so began the first steps of my journey.