Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ When the Heart Settles ❯ Phantom dream ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

-   - When the Heart Settles by Heidi 

Author’s Note:

Here you’ve got the chapter 1. I don’t really know what to say about it, I just think it’s a little small. You possibly will find a lot of errors, but I edited it right now, mostly because I had no time to finish it before, due to college. But, just give me credit; I’m really tired. 

Disclaimer:

I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or its characters or story. I am only writing for entertainment of my person and other if possible. Do not sue me.

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Chapter 1: phantom dream     

 

Oh when it all, it all falls down
I'm telling you ohh, it all falls down 

 

.

 Love. A word that may have two meanings. Two sides. Mostly, a person can only enjoy and crave for the spectacular side of it. But, when a misfortune steps into the respective life, shattering all its warm feelings, a person can expect the worse, to say the least. A person can only wish for the one they love the best. Only a smile, for the most faint it is, a real bless can be.

But a person can always wish more than a simple smile. The more they give, the more they want to give. True love is free of selfishness. Free of those feelings of self-love, seeking with a holy passion the happiness of theirs dear ones. Blindly.

And she knew that.

Kaoru was laid on her futon. Some hours had passed since the last event. But, the woe feeling seemed to remain. It would not just fade, as the rain in its casual storm. It was not something classified as temporary. It certainly would tarry, interminably inside her being.

Nevertheless, deep inside her, she had a faint contentment. For more than it seemed scarce, it was true. Indeed.

No one would be really flattered to lose his or her loved one. Giving the circumstances of it specially. Notwithstanding, she had to choose between two paths: To set it free, or to keep it forever in its cage. However, a true love is free of any dark feeling. If she could sacrifice her life for his sake, she certainly, would set him free, even if meant to not see him ever again. However, in the end, it was always for him, and that, somehow seemed to appease her spirit. Besides, inside her heart, as so much proved, she would do anything to please him, to see him smiling without guilt haunting him.

But, even with the inwardly contentment, she just wished that she could finalize her grief. She lightly knew that she could not advance in that state. Even if she had no desire to go on with her life, she knew someone else depended on her. And she could not turn that little person down.

With so much thought running around her head, tiredly, Kaoru forced her eyes open. ‘Oh God…’ she thought alarmed. ‘They don’t know… How am I supposed to…?’ her thoughts trailed off, as she realized she had no real answer.

Yet, she would not hide it. Soon someone would come to the Dojo. And the question lingered. What would she say?

She shook her head, trying to push away that thought. Tiredly, she sat straight on her futon. A gentle hand came to her head, trying desperately to ease her pain. But, how could she do such a thing, when her whole body just wanted to continue there, numb. Furthermore, as she already knew, she would have to continue with her actual lifeless existence. She would just exist in the end, and, she happily did not think it was a bad thing. Indeed, it was quite comforting.

A creaky sound was heard outside her gloomy room. However, she did not seem to care. 'I should have realized that soon or later they would be here...' came her mournful thought. 

"Kaoru?" she heard a tired voice calling her. And unhappily, she was acquainted with the voice. She could clearly hear her student calling for her.  

And when she believed that he had given up, it could not get worse.

"Kenshin?" 

She heard him convoking him. The dear sunshine. The so crucifying words, that for some time now she had hoped not to hear again; And,in the exact moment, seemed to float around her. 

She heard him stepping closer to her door, and just wondered for a short time if he would just leave her alone, and not dare to disturb her woebegone being, in its own lute. However, as she had predicted, and hoped in vain, he had dared to abruptly open the door. 

Shocked eyes moved along her still form. "Kaoru?" he managed to ask, afraid of what he would find. 'Could be that... Kenshin...' his thoughts came, torturing as much as possible. He shook his head, derogating his supposition. 'Kenshin wouldn’t...'  he affirmed merely, but not completely assured. Fear tinged his features.

He stepped closer to Kaoru, kneeling next to her. "Hey Kaoru..." he called her once more, his hands at his sides, giving him stability. 

Kaoru could plainly hear the boy calling her, but preferred not to answer him, or make any move. 

Yahiko sighed and clenched one of his fists. "Kaoru, I know you’re awake, so don’t pretend you’re not." he said, his voice rising with both fear and anticipation. "So just get up and tell me why Kenshin isn’t here." he said, walking at the shoji. "The rooster said he would come... So, just move." he said flatly, while he stepped out of her room, closing the door behind him. 

He looked at Kaoru´s room, expecting to hear some sound. Anything that could give him the notion of someone moving. But he heard none. Apparently, after all, his suppositions seemed to hold some truth, he feared. 

Decided to wait for Sanosuke, he leaned against the wall, and closed his eyes. He just knew something was wrong, truly wrong.     

Kaoru closed her eyes, blocking her unruly tears. She must not cry, not anymore. Unprofitable was to keep crying.

But how would exactly a person hold back so welcome tears? 

Kaoru shook her had, shoving her blanket away from her. Tiredly and steadily she began to get up. Slow peaces were given towards her closet. She partially opened it, catching a deep blue yukata to wear.  

But she knew that she could care less.

Looking at the mirror, already dressed, she could not prevent to see her sorrowful reflection. How could she have gone so deep? 

"How?" she asked herself, displeased of herself. She touched the mirror cautiously, as if she distrusted something. "Are you happy now Kenshin?" she asked in a whimper. 

Suddenly, she stopped, hearing a deep male voice.   

Then she heard it again. She knew exactly who held that voice.

"Hey Jou-chan!" Sonosuke yelled unbearably. "Come out here!" 

For some time, both Sanosuke and Yahiko waited for Kaoru to came out, but they supposed that she did not mean to make any move. 

Sanosuke shook his head irritated, and rapidly run into Kaoru´s room. His eyes stared at her, disbelieving. "Why..." he tried to say something, disturbed by the sight of the downcast girl. "What happened! For Christ!" he slapped the fragile wood wall, moving towards her even figure. 

Yahiko stood by the door, watching the scene. "She’s like that since I entered the Dojo." he uttered. "And Kenshin isn’t here either." he pointed. 

Sanosuke stopped, his hands resting onto Kaoru´s shoulders. "Where’s Kenshin?" Sanosuke asked her, leisurely shaking her. "Tell me dammit!" he increase his voice at her, shaking her more furiously at her stillness.

As if she had been slapped, Kaoru awakened from her numbness and looked straight at the raging Sanosuke. Gently, she pulled his hands off of her shoulders, and began to exit her room. "I will tell you all what happened, just let me sit here." she uttered quietly, while she sat. 

They remained silent for some time, and, as Kaoru did, they sat along with her.

Kaoru released a tired sigh. How tired she was, how awful she felt.  

And she has not been the only one to notice. Sanosuke looked at her, he seemed to pity her being. He believed that he would never see her in that state once more. "How miserable you look..." he told her peeved, his teeth clenched. "Don’t you dare tell me that... He left you!" he said in a rush. "Didn’t he? Damn him!" he cursed, striking the floor. Kaoru and Yahiko looked at him, both were restive.

Kaoru began to shake her head negatively. Whether she was desperate or nervous in the exact moment, she could not tell. "No, actually, he didn´t." she said in the same rush, inwardly trying to find some comfort in here words

They looked at her, astonished faces showing their bewilderment. How could it be true? Where was Kenshin?

Kaoru took a deep breath, she would, positively, need it. "I... Left him..." she managed to declare that, trying not to sound extremely agitated .Was she ready to make crystal the veracious meaning? It did not matter. Not anymore. "I know it seems insane, but, that is the truth..." she said in a low tone, her head dropping slightly, her eyes searched for her interlaced hands. "Half..." she whispered, swallowing.

They kept staring at her. Did they hear it right? She had left him.

Sanosuke gasped. "That´s impossible! How come?" he asked her, searching for her arm. "How come dammit!" he shook her, furiously. How on earth would she let him go?

Yahiko who was quiet, and as disturbed as Sonosuke, stepped in front of Kaoru. "Please Kaoru... What happened? Tell us..." he asked, finding anticipation growing within.

Sanosuke got up, and began to walk around them. "Are you telling or not?" he asked her flatly, while kept walking. "That´s really getting on my nerves you know..." he hissed.

Yahiko looked at him and sighed. "Come on Kaoru..." he said, his voice giving her the courage.

Kaoru sighed, she had to tell. "An Seer crossed my path this afternoon..." she began, her hands clasped, her voice in a murmur. "And when I went to help her, she asked me..." she stopped. "She asked me what I wished to the one I loved..." she whispered, lifting her eyes, letting them wander through their shocked faces.

Yahiko opened his mouth, searching for words. But he had no words. How does that explain it?

Sanosuke instead, leaned closer to Kaoru. "And? What does that has to do with it?"

Kaoru kept quiet. "I´m not finished." she said merely. 

"When she asked me that... I said that I wished him happiness, and redemption." she paused for a while, recollecting the moments. "After that, she said that happiness comes with redemption." she paused once again, looking at their reaction. She looked down once more, her mouth open. "And so she went on... In the end, she told me that I was the only one with the power to set him free." she stopped, looking at them.

Yahiko frowned. "Power? That´s odd... I don´t get it." he said only, his mind racing to get some plausible answers.

Sanosuke only stared at her, blankly. "Are you implying that, you just said, or wished, that he could be happy? Or... Whatever that means..."

Kaoru nodded. "Half." she said slowly. "I don´t really understand from where that power comes... She only said to me that I should open my heart in an outspoken manner... That is what I did." she completed her sentence, while she got up. "But, he’s not here anymore... Therefore, I just wish to be left alone right now... Would you, please?" she asked, while she headed to her room’s door.

They stared at her, numbly. After some time, they nodded absently. But, she had already entered her room at that time. She did not catch their conformity.

They stared at each other for some time, surprised, even shocked. Things were truthfully wrong. And they had no answers, and how difficult it made without them. Nevertheless, they had agreed to drop it, or so for a while. She indeed seemed really affected, and with all reason. After all, for what they had understood, she had just lost him, and that represented everlastingly. No turning back.

But that is Kaoru. She would always make the best to see him happy. And so willingly. They wondered for some time, how an inexperienced girl like her, could have such a huge heart. Soft and kind.

But then again, they should know better than to belittle her emotions. After all, that Kaoru, the Kaoru they know, would sacrifice her happiness, her life, and everything she possessed, for Kenshin. She really held him dear, and no doubt that, she always would.

Kaoru sniffled. Her hot tears were spreading around her face.She knew the consequences of her action, but she only knew the cost that would cause her, not to the others. She had been selfish. She had not told them. But, how could she have predicted it? She could not even understand that sudden power. Why now?   She could not understand why that happened. She could not understand anything anymore.  She had no answers. And she needed it. She needed it at least to keep the memory of a good deed for her dearly loved.  She would have a memory to seize up, when the past memories stop in her mind, dashing her head, making her heart grief. And then she would remember, that she had caused the grief of her heart. Only by her. And she would blame no one, for her lack of life. Yes, she would become a lifeless creature by her option. But still, she would continue moving. ‘I can dream of you.’ she thought in distress, while frail tears crossed her features. A hand come up to her face, and with delicate fingers, she cleaned her tears.   “But… I need to know the answer to that.” she said to herself more seriously, while she sat. “I must understand how I sent him to another time just wishing and saying words.” She whispered. “I just wish to know…” So many hours had passed. And, not so much sleep she took until that very moment. Kaoru was sleeping still, as a fragile crystal, in the deepest dream. And in her warm dream, she could see a celestial face, which she would never be able to forget. And as her self, the figure kept still, while she stared at him.  He would not take a single breath. With a sad heart, she realized that he was not real. Perhaps just a memory. Perhaps just a phantom. She closed her eyes, and thought to herself, that even in her dreams, he would be there to disturb her. When she no longer could see him, even with her eyes closed, she supposed that it would be all right to open them. And so she did. However, she was not ready to see the sight right in front of her azure eyes. She could see him, so perfectly and painfully clear. Lying at his side, she could see another person. Both of them were asleep. Kaoru´s heart kept beating awfully hard, and it made so difficult to breath. So darn hard. She looked down, trying to get a better view of the floor. But, as if suddenly, it was so dark that she could barely see the two figures that were sleeping side by side. Anxiously, she opened her hands, and tried to make her best to keep still, while she glided to reach the floor beneath her. When she felt a truly solid ground under her hands and body, she let an angst-ridden breath escape from her lips. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate. ‘How can that be possible happening?’she asked to herself in agony. ‘No, that is impossible. That must be a horrible dream. I might be hallucinating.’ she comforted herself, while opening her eyes. ‘Oh God.’ she prayed, once more closing her eyes. ‘Please, take me away from this place. It already hurts so much! I do not want to see him, knowing that I cannot touch or even talk to him…’ she whispered in a pray of hope. As if it was only a hallucination, Kaoru, apprehensive opened her eyes, but no longer she was standing there. She was somewhere else.  The place was dark, and incredibly distressing. Strangely, she could feel it as emotions. Her own heart felt it. The sensation was not shallow. It was exaggeratedly deep, and awakened so many dissimilar emotions. Things she would not even dream to feel. However, she noticed that those emotions were not her own. They belonged to someone else. The entire set had a mix of scenarios. And she doubted that anywhere near could hold another ambiance. She could hear names, said in low tones. She could hear cries. And lastly, she could see an enormous garden. Such a strange view. ‘A garden. Except that, it feels so deceased.’ she thought to herself as she walked towards the set. Inattentively, her hands reached one little flower, as she began to enter it. It was incredibly small, and it had a weak perfume. A known fragrance. Kaoru´s brows frowned. ‘White Plums,’ she realized. ‘This is Tomoe´s scent I believe.’  she thought remotely, while she kept walking, the flower in hand. While walking through the gloomy valley of white plum flowers, an impossible, but plausible thought crossed her mind. ‘Would that be Kenshin´s conscience? Or just an odd dream?’  Kaoru tried to rationalize. With the hypothesis in mind, after thinking of it for some more, she shook her head in disapproval. ‘Or perhaps, just my conscience.’ Kaoru stopped when she noticed something different. She saw a small sallow butterfly, passing in front of her, beating her lithe and fragile wings to the left direction. ‘I have not seen a single butterfly or any other animal or insect around here.’ she thought, in the middle of being pleased and fearful by the sight of the tiny life. While trying to catch the butterfly, fearful of loosing her way, Kaoru ran. When she spotted the butterfly, Kaoru gave a weak smile. “There you are.” she said, bending down, reaching the same level of it. When Kaoru´s eyes connected with the flower that the little butterfly was on top of, she gasped in genuine surprise. "'What..." She could not be mistaken. The strong scent filled her nostrils, and she would not ever in her existence forget it. The sweet and strong aroma of jasmine. Kaoru closed her eyes for one single moment and inhaled the sweet smell with pleasure. It seemed to make her heat at ease, as so many times it did. 'It is such a strong scent...' she tough to herself in pleasure.  'But...'she thought somehow sadly, her eyes still closed. 'It feels so fake.'  she considered, while she stood once more and opened her eyes. When she looked down again, seeking the white butterfly, she did not see it anywhere. For her utter surprise, she only saw a person.  If she could have predicted. The person’s hair was somehow dark, not black, but a deep crimson. It was suspicious. She should have known.  'Kenshin?'she asked herself, eyes expanded.  'Is that you Kenshin?' she kept asking silently. Decided to have the assurance of that implausible occurrence, a shaky hand, went towards the person, who was sat, back to Kaoru.  She knew that it had to be him; it could only be him. "Kenshin?" she called in a soft voice, fearful for whatever she would find. "Is that you?" she asked once more, her hands touching slightly the person’s shoulder.  In an agonizing and slowly way, the person began to turn, and in instant, amber eyes met blue ones. Her world seemed to fall apart. He had changed. He did not seem the same anymore. His eyes seemed so dead, despising the fact that they were almost honey color, considered a vivid color. Therefore, it showed no real emotion - he seemed exactly as a phantom being.  Kaoru could not believe her eyes. Were they fooling her?  'Is that really you Kenshin? Is that you being the merciless killer you used to be?'  her thought grew in her troubled mind. 'It cannot be you... so lifeless and without any good emotion... How can you emanate that awful feeling of wretchedness?'  she surmised, somehow struggling to surmount the disturbing vision.  As she kept rigid, the supposed Kenshin EDITED/ stands up /EDITED - RE POST - , and there stood, in front of her. His eyes did not lose the lack of emotion as his eyes met hers. "Why?" he asked absentminded, his amber eyes looking directly at her now shocked eyes.  Without any answer, Kenshin began to walk, passing through her without a second glance.  Kaoru kept still, too shocked to even breath. As if sensing her vulnerability, drops of the frosty rain began to fall. And she felt oddly grateful for that unforgiving rain. What really had she done?  Her knees weakened, and she fell, shaky, onto the wet ground. Everything was so confusing. Before, she needed desperately for any answer. Any ordinary answer that could make she feels less unhappy. But now, she just felt as if she had lost it. Now, she had so many broken pieces. How could she even amend it? Would she ever understand why all that happened? Would she know if she had done the right decision? Had she even asked him? However, she only wanted him to be happy. And then, ripping her wishes of a better life for him, this hallucination appears, giving her nothing more but regret. "I’m falling, and I just can’t bring me to life again…" she whispered in a lethal agony, as she began to drift away inside her mind once more.  Kaoru opened her eyes in a flash. Her heart beat fast, and she felt odd. She felt heavy.  "What...?" she asked, looking around, trying to recognize the place she was at. "That is my room..." she uttered calmly.  Breathing, she sat down on her futon, while reposing her head over her knees. "Oh Kenshin," she breathed once again. "What have I done?" she asked into the dark room. "Have I misunderstood it?" she asked listless. "Have I belittled me, when I thought that you would be really happy if you were sent back to your past? To ease it? Was that what you wanted?" Kaoru asked herself, somehow on the boundary of being desperate.  What if she had done the wrong choice? Was really that what the Seer had told her?  But, in the end, should she have done that choice? Or should she have let it be chosen only by him? She did not know. But, it was too late for her. But, perhaps, not for him. Right now, she could only wish the best. She could only wish that the phantom dream she had had would be just her conscience playing with her.  She could only wish. Barely hope. Author’s Note 2: Well, I´m not completely happy with that chapter as I´ve said. But, oh well.  I´m so busy with college, and I just got home from my trip. I´ll really try to catch up in the next part. Anyway, I hope you´ve enjoyed this chapter.  I’m really sorry for my grammar mistakes and others. I do edit it, to see if the story is correct, if I´m following the plot correctly. But, sometimes I just don’t have the time the edit ALL. So, I´m sorry, I know it must be really boring. Really, sorry.

Thank you all.