Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] The Adventures of Captain Yaten ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Megane67 
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 05.14.2010 | Pages: 26 | Words: 13.1K | Visits: 388 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 05.14.2010 | Pages: 26 | Words: 13.1K | Visits: 388 | Status: Completed
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be...)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 46: THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN YATEN PT. 1
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just
covering our collective asses here folks...
"The Adventures of Captain Yaten" is the property of My Interests.
We attempted to contact her by e-mail but there was no reply and
we sincerely hope she does not take offense to this MSTing of
her work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p
Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence, coarse language
and mature content.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"'George Lopez' or 'According to Jim'"? Crow T. Robot inquired.
"Oh please! I wouldn't watch 'According to Jim' even if it had
full frontal nudity!" Tom Servo snapped.
"'Home Improvement' or 'Family Matters'"?
"Ugh... is killing myself an option? Okay, okay,
uhhh... 'Family Matters'. Four minutes of Tool Time isn't worth
eighteen minutes of Jill the shrill, the children of the corn and
Ol' Fence Face advising Comical Caveman."
Joel Robinson suddenly leaned into the camera's view. "Hey
everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love! As you've probably
guessed, Crow and Tom are killing some time before this week's
experiment..."
"'Star Trek: Voyager' or 'Sliders'..."
"Oh, that's easy! Sli..."
"...after John Rhys-Davis left the show."
"Aw, crap... uhhh... I dunno..."
"Come on, pick one already."
"All right, uhh... 'Star Trek: Voyager', I guess."
"Really? You'd take Kate Mulgrew OVER Kari Wuhrer!?" Crow
exclaimed.
"No, but I'll take Googly Eyes in a skin tight body suit over Jerry
O'Connell's bigger, dumber brother any day." Tom replied.
Crow nodded. "Fair enough. Now it's going to get
tougher... 'The Series Finale of Seinfeld' or..."
"Seinfeld." Tom bluntly interrupted.
"'Law and Order: Criminal Intent' or..."
"Crow, I would rather watch 'Cop Rock' than put up with
one minute of the sultan of smug, the prince of pretentious, the
emperor of ego that IS Vincent D'Onofrio!"
"Jealous, Servo?" Crow teased.
"Actually, I think Vincent's gone from the show now." Joel
chimed in.
"W-What?" Tom's head jerked in Joel's direction. "Are you
serious!?"
"Yeah, they fired his character on the show, he's done." Crow
confirmed.
Suddenly the lights on the Satellite of Love dimmed down, save
for a single spotlight that illuminated Tom. As Crow and Joel looked
around, confused, piano music could be heard over the P.A. system.
"What's this I hear...? What wondrous thing...?" Tom started
singing as his body rose slowly and majestically above the counter.
"Hoo boy..." Crow rolled his eyes.
"Suddenly, I have an urge... to laugh... and... SINGGGGGGG!!!"
Tom suddenly bellowed with all the tenor his voice could muster.
"Uh, Tom?" Joel noticed the red light on the counter flashing in
the darkness. "Sorry to stifle your big solo, but Strong Bad and The
Cheat are calling..."
"Thank God. Uh, I mean... too bad, Tommy." Crow recovered.
"Oh well, ding dong and all that jazz." Tom shrugged as he
hovered back down and the lights on the bridge brightened once again.
"Yeah... exactly how long have you been planning that celebration
of Vincent's departure?" Crow inquired.
"Oh, not long... nine years or so." Tom replied as Joel winced
before giving the red light a slap.
* * *
DEEP 13
"Doctor Mad! Dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah! Doctor Mad!"
TV's Frank sang off-screen as Dr. Clayton Forrester approached the
viewscreen.
"Thank you, Frank. And greetings to you, Sex, Lies and
Videotape! I'm in a generous mood today and thus I've decided to
treat myself to first dibs on the invention exchange. Drive her on in,
Frankie..."
Dr. Forrester stepped back as Frank drove his Dodge Charger into
the laboratory. As Frank put the car in park, Dr. Forrester stuck his
head into the car window and gestured at the radio.
"Has this ever happened to you? You're stuck in rush hour
traffic with only your radio for company. So you scan for a song
you like or at least can tolerate..."
Frank frantically played with the radio knobs until the mellow
tones of a classic 80s tune filled the car.
"Finally, you find such a song and breath a sigh of relief... only
to have an announcer or obnoxious commercial rudely interrupt, because
YOU had the bad luck to catch the song at its tail end. Then the next
song they play sucks, causing you to swear in frustration as you
resume scanning..."
"Now imagine a device, secretly implemented into car radios the
world over, that will automatically cut into ANY song played on your
radio for longer than ten to forty-five seconds... the timer is
random, you see, keeps the driver guessing and better maximizes the
increase in blood pressure and road rage..."
Frank pantomimed hitting the steering wheel and clawing the air
in frustration. Then he made several angry gestures at the phantom
cars behind and ahead of him before finally slamming his head down
on the car horn, pretending to sob.
"And for all you smart-asses out there screaming 'Why can't I just
use the personal media player that comes with the car instead!?', I've
personally taken care of that too..."
"EEYEOW!!" Frank screamed as he yanked his smoldering finger back
from the CD button on his radio. "Hey, you told me you disengaged the
static shock system!" Frank whined as he placed his finger in his
mouth.
"And you believed me. That's why I like you, Frank." Dr.
Forrester smiled as he mockingly and affectionately tapped Frank's
chin with his fist.
"Oooh, I'll show you! I can always sing the songs myself!"
Frank shot back as he took a deep breath. "WE WERE BORN TO
BE... ALIIIIIVE!! WE WERE BORN TO BE... ALIIII..." Frank's
voice was muted as Dr. Forrester pulled back from the car with a
scowl, took a remote control from his coat pocket and rolled up the
power windows.
"Heh, well, some drivers may be more stubborn than others..."
Dr. Forrester shrugged. "Anyway, Joel, let's see the withered fruit
of your labour..."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Funny you should mention fruit, sirs, that's the basis of my
invention this week. And here to help me, is my lovely assistant, Tom
Servo!" Joel exclaimed as Cambot pulled back to reveal Tom with a
tangerine resting in his bubble dome head.
"Just get on with it, Joel Offer, I can't do this all day." Tom
muttered.
Joel gestured at the tangerine. "Have you ever bought some
slightly unripe fruit with limited time to enjoy it but you got
caught up in other stuff and by the time you're ready to eat
it, it's too late? Well now, thanks to a new subroutine I've
installed in Tom, he can tell me the exact moment when a fruit
is at perfect ripeness to enjoy! How much longer, Tom?"
"Yep, it should be... oh no, wait, wait... not yet... nope."
Tom replied as Joel clenched and unclenched his hand impatiently
above Tom's head.
"Well, how much longer?" An annoyed Joel asked.
"Not long... okay, nnnnnnnnnope, not yet. And nnnnnnnnnnnope,
still ripening... still ripening... still... yep, still ripening..."
Tom repeated.
"Tom, you wouldn't be ribbing your creator, would you?" Joel
frowned.
"Joel, please, it's done when its done. Show some patience,
already!" Tom replied with a huff. "It's nearly, nearly, nearly
close to being done real soon now..."
"Uh-huh, would the threat of a loadpan cleaning speed up the
process any?" Joel asked ominously as he dropped his hand down
to land heavily on top of Tom's head.
"Ding! Your fruit is now at optimal ripeness, sir!" Tom
replied immediately.
"All right!" Joel grinned as he popped open Tom's bubbledome
cap and reached inside for the tangerine. After peeling it, he took a
bite and closed his eyes. "Mmmmm... oh my darling, clementine..."
"Hey Joel, I've got some fruit I'd like Tom to test out." Crow
exclaimed as he strolled onto the bridge.
"Knock yourself out." Joel replied with a mouthful of tangerine
as Crow walked over to Tom and dropped something with a squishy
plop into Tom's head.
"AUUUGH! W-What the hell!? CROW!!" Tom roared.
"What? It's just a banana. So, is it ripe yet?" Crow replied
innocently.
"Are you kidding!? It's black and oozing and, oh yuck, it's
dripping into my neck hole! Gross!!" Tom sputtered.
"Great! It's perfect for making Banana Bread with then! Thanks
for confirming it, Ser... WHOA!" Crow suddenly fled with an enraged
Tom in hot pursuit. Joel stared after them for a moment before
shrugging and taking another bite of his tangerine.
"What'da think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not
to put it in a fruit salad." Dr. Forrester replied as he pushed up
his glasses.
"Zen." Joel nodded.
"Mandarin Buffet, actually. But enough food for thought, it's
time to get cooking, mama-jama! This week's experiment shake n' bakes
the cast of Sailor Moon with a bag of hair until they're one big
sticky, goofy mess that serves six! Now throw in a pirate theme, hold
the canon, and voila! Tuesday taste, Sunday effort!" Dr. Forrester
exclaimed with an evil grin.
"Yarr Har Har... so ye best be preparin' yerselves for a tale of
heartburning malice and EEEEEVIL hairplugs! It's 'The
Adventures of Captain Yaten'... make 'em walk the plank, Frank..."
There was a moment of silence as Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes.
"Right, I almost forgot." He walked over to the file cabinet and
picked up the fanfic lying on top of it. Meanwhile, Frank was
still singing up a foggy storm in his car, oblivious to the world.
"Yeah, we'll see how long you can keep it up, Frank, I took the
liberty of removing the Archie comic this time..." Dr. Forrester
muttered to himself as he fed the fanfic into the console.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Geez, Crow, you really gunked him up." Joel muttered as Tom
Servo lay on the countertop in a half-dozen pieces. Joel was
currently wiping Tom's bubbledome with a wet cloth.
"I said I was sorry! Besides, you can both have some of my
banana bread when its done." Crow replied.
"You know where you can stick YOUR piece." Tom's jaw growled
from the other side of the counter.
"Calm down, Tom, I'm almost done." Joel admonished as he
finished wiping and quickly reassembled the robot just before
multicolored lights flashed and alarms began to wail.
"Cool, my banana bread is done!" Crow exclaimed.
"No, it's not! It's FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything,
it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for
you as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you
step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.
>Fan Fic by: My Interests
Joel: Free Time courtesy of My Lack of Hobbies.
Tom: So Pina Coladas and Moonlight Walks Along The Beach
wrote this. Got it.
>Sailor Moon Disclaimer: Duh, I do not own the rights to Sailor
>Moon- nor will I ever.
Joel: <author> I'll be content with a million dollars ransom for
her safe return..
>I am just a wild dreamer. ^_~
Crow: She often finds herself lost in the mall FULLY CLOTHED!
>Story description: Some evil Pirates attack a village that happens to
>have some beautiful maidens in it. What happens when they kidnap
>these maidens and take them out to sea?
Tom: It either ends in DOA beach volleyball... or someone talking
to Wilson.
>S/U, Y/M, T/A- hee hee - no sailor senshi in this story.
Tom: T/A? Does that mean this pirate fic is rated... Arrrrrrr?
Crow: Oh, wow, no senshi in a Sailor Moon fanfic? That's fucking
REVOLUTIONARY!
>Chapter 1; The Attack!
All: <singing> ...of the Killer TO-MA-TOES...!
>The story takes place in the 1700's.
Joel: Back when men were poofy and women were... also poofy.
Tom: The War of the Senshi Succession.
>A beautiful girl runs down the street of her village. She stops and
>waves at one of her neighbors.
Crow: As narrated by Voltaire.
Joel: <girl> Help me, I'm being chased by slavers!
Tom: <neighbour> And a glorious morning to you as well, m'dear!
>She wore her beautiful blond hair up in two buns letting the hair from
>her buns fall freely below. Her smile would light up anyone's day.
Crow: Yes, it's Princess Leia: The Musical!
>She had big blue eyes, and she wore a brown dress with an apron. She
>was known as the village klutz though. Her name: Tsukino Usagi.
Joel: We'll be back to "Super Bloopers and Practical Jokes" after
these messages.
>She rushed off towards her destination. A grocery store. She needed
>to get some items for dinner that she had forgotten to buy.
Crow: Oh great, another Centron short.
>She was 20 years old now, and she lived in her own cabin with her
>cousin, Aino Minako.
Tom: Made of Lincoln Logs! Don't sneeze, Usagi!
>She peeked her head into the store and saw the store owner stocking
>the shelves. He turned to smile at her. "Hello, Tsukino-kun!"
Joel: <Owner> We've got some fresh filth in t'day!
Crow: <Tsukino> Giveth me some meat pie wi'hout so much rat
innit! How's the mead today?
Joel: <Owner> About the same as it was a month ago.
>Usagi walked in to the store. "Hello Chiba-kun!" She waved to Chiba
>Mamoru. He had black hair, blue eyes and wore his normal shop
>uniform.
Tom: A garish pink "Hello Kitty" sports bra and hot pants.
Crow: <Mamoru> Irrashai~!
>She looked at a shelf and picked up some flower. She glanced at the
>tall dark haired man. She always thought he was good looking,
>however, he was not too nice.
Joel: <Mamoru> You moron, you can't bake with flower!
>She put the flower in her basket and walked over to the next isle. She
>saw some cloth that was used for babies' diapers.
Crow: Then she wheeled the shopping cart to the tampon aisle.
>She touched the soft fabric and smiled softly. She couldn't wait to
>find a true love and have children.
Joel: Is this an episode of 'Little House on the Prairie'?
Tom: Can't be, no one's died yet.
>She looked over to the left of the diapers and saw some other things
>she needed.
Crow: Cosmopolitan, People Magazine, the latest Archie Digest,
of course...
Tom: We're having a sale on clues, maybe you should buy one?
>She then walked over to the cash register and waited for Mamoru. He
>came over a few minutes later.
>
>"Is this all, Tsukino-kun?" He bagged her groceries.
Crow: <Mamoru> Paper, plastic, or sheepskin?
Joel: <Tsukino> You take 'Discover', right?
Tom: I think this has passed the "creative anachronism" phase into
the Dr. Who memorial "outright assaults on time".
>Usagi nodded her head. She then pulled out some money.
>
>"Don't worry about paying, um, how about letting me take you out on a
>date?" He asked as he handed her the groceries.
Crow: "My Super Sweet 1600s".
Joel: At this point, I'm just waiting for Doc Brown to walk in.
Tom: That's great, maybe he can tell us which Earth this is really
taking place on.
Joel: Has the chalkboard been invented yet?
Tom: Does it matter??
>Usagi blushed. "When and where?"
>
>He considered for a minute. "I'll pick you up at your place tonight."
Joel: <Usagi> Aren't you picking me up right now?
Crow: <Mamoru> Then I'll put you on my shoulders, it's a
weird kink, I know, but go with it.
>Usagi nodded in agreement and took the groceries. She quickly left
>the store and started to walk on home. She smiled to herself, knowing
>that the store owner is a good catch.
Tom: Yeah, Mamoru's a regular Moby Dick all right.
>She couldn't wait until that night.
>
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: <George Constanza> The scene change was angry that day,
my friends...
>Usagi tasted the food she was cooking for dinner. Sadly, it tasted
>horrible.
Crow: <Usagi> So much for the best meat being in the rump.
Tom: Next time, make sure you completely thaw the ottoman before
basting.
>She lowered her head and sighed. "How can I ever get a husband if my
>cooking tastes so awful?"
Joel: <Usagi> I know, I'll have him take up smoking, then he won't
taste a thing!
>Minako walked into the room. She smiled kindly at her older cousin.
>"How's it coming?"
>
>Usagi tossed the big wooden spoon into the pot and walked away
>from it.
Crow: <Usagi> I keep stirring the water but it just won't boil!
>"It's horrid. What did you expect?" She sighed and picked up a dress.
>It was maroon and the fabric was soft. It went all the way up her
>neck and the dress went down to the floor. It had long sleeves.
Joel: It also covered the windows when tied to the wall.
Crow: <Usagi> Bibbity Boppity Bunk.
>Minako smiled at her cousin. "A date?"
>
>Uasagi looked at her and nodded proudly. "The store owner."
Joel: <Minako> The dollar store owner? You mean that Asian dude?
Crow: <Usagi> Like I'd be caught dead with an Asian dude.
>Minako got up and walked over to the window, viewing the sunset. "I
>would love to marry a pirate!" She giggled and looked back at a
>shocked Usagi.
Crow: <Usagi> Just last week, you said you wanted to marry a brewer!
Joel: <Minako> That was before the hangove... honeymoon!
>"They are so full of adventure, and I know I would be rich." She
>giggled at Usagi. "Don't worry, Pirates are never around."
Tom: Until they play the home stand against the Mets.
>Usagi nodded slowly and walked to her room. She closed the door
>behind her and started to get dressed.
Tom: Wait! She was NUDE until now!? You have to TELL us these
things in advance, fanfic!
Joel: Pirates must've made off with her bodice.
Crow: Pirates must've made off with the plot.
>Minako went over to the pot and tested how the stew really tasted.
>She stuck out her tongue in disgust. "Man, she is a terrible cook!
>Better marry a very rich man! YUCK!"
Tom: To recap: Usagi sucks at cooking. Now this.
Crow: Is this a premiere for YET ANOTHER Chef Ramsay show?
>Minako started putting spices into the stew and tried to work with it
>when she heard a nock at the door. She stopped what she was doing
>and got up.
Tom: The archer outside nocked another arrow and waited silently.
>She wiped her hands on her apron and opened the door.
Joel: <Minako> Every time there's a Mel Brooks movie, he burns
our village!
>"Hello Miss. Is Tsukino-kun in?" The tall dark haired gentleman
>asked.
>
>Minako stared at him for a minute, debating if she should warn him to
>run for his life.
Tom: Poor Clark Gable...
Crow: She finally settled for humming the theme to 'Jeopardy'.
>She decided against it and opened the door. He walked in to the
>house.
>
>"She will be out shortly." Minako said as she closed the door.
Tom: <chuckling> I'm guessing *the door* knows the director
personally?
Joel: She must be putting on her fifth dress. It's a bit chilly
outside.
>Minako looked a lot like her cousin. However, Minako had her hair
>done up different and her hair was much shorter.
>
>Mamoru sat down in front of the fireplace. He noted the pot and
>pointed at it. "Are you cooking dinner?"
Crow: <Minako> The longer it's in the fire, the less it screams.
>Minako smiled and let out a little giggle. " Usagi is."
>
>He raised an eyebrow and then asked, "Should we stay here then?"
>
>Minako shook her head. `You want to live to see tomorrow?!?' She
>thought.
Tom: Come on, if her cooking's THAT bad, wouldn't the smell tip
him off?
>"Oh no, this meal is um… for my parents who are coming by tonight!"
>Minako lied. She shot a glance towards the door. `Hurry up!' She
>smiled at Mamoru. "What are your hobbies?"
Joel: <Mamoru> Collecting stamps, writing programs in C++ and
clubbing baby seals.
>Mamoru opened his mouth but nothing came out as right that second,
>Usagi came out in her beautiful dress.
Tom: <Usagi> I look almost like a Disney princess!!
Crow: <Mamoru> Wrong crossover.
>She smiled at him and turned around in a complete circle. "Do you
>like?"
>
>Mamoru didn't speak. He just kept his mouth wide open in awe.
Joel: <Mamoru> Can... can I wear it after you're done??
>Minako elbowed him, "You're catching flies!"
>
>He regained himself and cleared his throat. "You look simply
>ravishing."
Tom: <Usagi> What I'd like to have right now... is for all you
fat, out of shape, Shikoku sweathogs...
>Usagi blushed. "Thank you. Shall we go?"
>
>He smiled and got up. "We shall."
>
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Joel: <Mamoru> ddDdaammmnnn Th-th-thes-s-s-e POTHOLES!
>Mizuno Ami sat on her front porch reading a book. She had a lantern
>by her side, giving her light.
Crow: As opposed to giving her candy.
>She loved reading in the dark. It helped her think more.
Tom: Especially considering all the guessing she had to do about
what was on the DARK PAGE.
Crow: Are we going to be seeing Scooby Doo in about three paragraphs?
Joel: <Ami> Hmm, how can I remove all these bugs swarming around
my head?
>Her hair was short, and it shaped her face. It was blue along with
>her eyes. She looked up to see a happy couple walking past her home.
>The girl had long blonde hair and the guy had short black hair. She
>sighed and went back to her book.
Joel: <Ami> Millionaire by age 25, millionaire by age 25... Focus,
Ami, focus!
Crow: <Ami> Hey, check it out! If I close my eyes, the words are
just as visible!
>Even though no one in the village knew, she wanted to find love as
>well. Everyone assumed that since she was the village doctor she
>was too busy to ever find love. She flipped a page in her book. She
>hopped that she could one day find love.
Tom: Undaunted, she turned the next page on "New Moon".
Crow: <Ami> Wait, there's nothing here.
>She heard some noise and looked ahead. She couldn't see anything.
Joel: <Ami> USE TORCH
Tom: <Ami> How the <censored bleep> did I end up in Silent Hill!?
>Her cabin was by the ocean shore, and she would not venture to close
>to the waters at this hour. She picked up her lantern and squinted
>her eyes to see anything. That is when she saw it.
Crow: Her lantern, and little else.
Joel: <Ami> When will they get around to inventing radial keratotomy?
>A ship was docking. Not just any old ship. She saw a skull and
>crossbones symbol on a flag the ship had. A pirate ship!
Tom: <LeChuck> Could ye direct me to Mêlée island? I'm late for a
weddin'.
>She quickly blew out her lantern and picked up her dress. She ran
>like mad towards the village.
Joel: Ami is an odd little duck, isn't she?
Tom: So she reads books in the dark and NAKED??
Crow: That's fine, it's how Stephen King writes 'em.
>"PIRATES!!" She screamed as she rushed to the village's alert bell.
>She rang it with all of her strength. "PIRATES!"
Crow: Lock up your women and registered trademarks!
Joel: I think the townspeople will be more interested in the naked
lady ringing the bell.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: One of these days, we really should download the scene change
language pack.
>Minako stood over the pot, holding a wooden spoon by her face. Her
>eyes watering from all of the spices she had put into the pot. "It's
>worse now than before!" She began to spit out fire.
Crow: Pirates? Naah, let's get the focus off of them and onto some
hot cooking action!
>She tossed the spoon to the side and tossed herself onto the
>sofa. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.
Joel: Sofa? Lemme guess, it faces the 45" flatscreen with DVR.
>Suddenly, her door burst open. A man stood in the doorway holding a
>lit torch. " Arrh!" He said as he began to set her cabin on fire.
Crow: You have to admit, he makes a convincing argument.
Tom: Wow, the officials of this town get pissed if you don't pay
your property tax.
Joel: <Minako> Frankenstein is three cabins down, you idiot!
>Minako hid behind the sofa. Hiding from the terrifying man. Her was
>huge and muscular. He had a beard and one eye was missing. She held
>her breath as the man walked around the cabin.
Joel: <Minako> No, don't torch the sofa! I just had it Scotchgarded!
Crow: <pirate> PACKERS! WOOOO!!
>He then checked out one of the rooms, Usagi's and her bedroom, and
>then left.
Joel: Is this fanfic hosted by Monty Hall?
Tom: Talk about a lousy pirate, he missed the booty entirely!
>Minako let out some air.
Crow: <Minako> Whoa, the flames turned blue for a second! Cool!
>She quickly got up and saw that the fire was burning out of
>control. She started to rush out the front door when she heard
>something.
Tom: Her cellphone was ringing!
Crow: <whispering> If you build it, they will come...
>She turned around to see one of the windows smashed in and a white
>haired man jumped through it. He stood up strait and grinned at her.
Joel: It's Action Joe Biden! With his action hair plugs!
Tom: So are pirates naturally flame resistant or just plain stupid?
>Minako did the first thing that came to her mind. She grabbed the
>huge pot of yuck from the fire and threw the contents at the pirate.
>The Pirate screamed and she then threw the pot at him.
Joel: <Minako> This should mellow you out, man.
Crow: Then she threw the fire at him!
Tom: I almost wonder if she can transform, but I'm half-afraid it
could pull some Visigoths into the whirling time vortex.
>She picked up her dress and rushed out the door.
Crow: If only my dates were so considerate.
>She heard screams all around her. She decided to run towards the
>woods, as it would be the safest place for her.
Tom: Unless M. Night Shyamalan directs.
>As she ran, she could feel that someone was chasing her. She let out
>a scream and tried to run even faster. She would not look back as she
>knew that would slow her down.
Crow: Meanwhile, Sam Raimi chuckled as he pursued her with his
motorcycle cam.
>She made it to the edge of the woods, and she began to climb through
>them. She heard her dress tear, but that would not stop her.
Tom: As her garters started tearing, Minako cursed artistic license.
Joel: Less horror cliché than American Gladiator really.
>She did however stop when she felt something grab her from behind.
>She let out a scream as she looked fearfully at what grabbed her.
Joel: <Arch Hall Jr.> Roxxxxxyyyy...!
>"Lets see how well you do with out a pot of boiling slush!" The white
>haired man snarled to her.
Crow: <Minako> Okay, come back in a few months, I'll tell you how
I'm doing.
>She looked into his beautiful green eyes. How could eyes so
>beautiful, be that of a pirate?
Tom: But what about his obscenely thick beard, stinking of fish
and grog...?
Joel: <Minako, clenching teeth> BEAUTIFUL... GREEN... EYES...
>She tried to get away, but couldn't. He was much too strong. She felt
>her eyes fill up with tears. She watched as a smile formed on his
>face. "You're mine!"
Crow: And by the way, you're stuck here.
Joel: I don't like this new direction Pokemon's taken.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: God, I hope that's not an advertisement for Blair Witch 3.
>Usagi heard the alert bell. She looked up at Mamoru who let go of her
>hand.
Crow: <Usagi> Damn, recess is over. Back to the piratey 'fic.
>"Hide, I will try to defend you and the village!" He rushed towards
>his shop, leaving her alone.
Tom: <Mamoru> Oh, who am I kidding? I can't defend the village!
It's a cinematic trainwreck!
Crow: Didn't we already *have* the Mel Brooks attack? What other
threat could there possibly be?
Joel: Two dollars on the clean-cut Japanese boy!
>She looked around too see men starting to rush into their
>village. She gasped. "MINAKO!" She picked up her dress and
>started to run towards her cabin.
Tom: Gee, I can't imagine why a gang of pirates would invade a
nudist colony...
Joel: We've GOT to be in the middle of one of those National
Geographic specials now.
>Her heart was beating super fast. "Minako, please be safe!" She heard
>Minako scream. Her heart stopped. "MINAKO!"
>
>Usagi spotted a pipe and grabbed it. She rushed over to their cabin,
>which was completely in flames. "MINAKO!"
Crow: <Splinter> Hang on, Minako!
All: <starts humming the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles>
>She began to look all around her. She couldn't see any signs of her
>cousin.
>
>"What is a pretty girl-" a man said behind her.
Tom: About 20 pieces of eight in Vera Cruz.
Crow: Ah, finally, a boss fight... with Alex Trebek.
>She swung the pipe wildly into the guy's stomach. He bent over in
>pain when the pipe came into contact with his stomach and his long
>black hair covered his face.
Joel: Now quick, grab the power up and finish him off with your
blitz attack!
>Usagi began to run towards the woods. However, a white haired man
>came out, caring Minako over his shoulder. He grinned at Usagi.
Tom: So THAT's how Bob Barker recruits his beauties!
>Usagi gasped and fell on her bottom.
Joel: Wouldn't a facefault be more appropriate?
Crow: Nah, buttfault is funnier! Hee hee!
>"MINAKO! You-" She quickly got up and tried to hit him with the pipe
>she held. However, she couldn't budge it. She looked up to see the
>other pirate that she had nailed earlier holding the other end of the
>pipe.
Crow: Suddenly we're watching a Three Stooges sketch.
Tom: <Minako as Moe> Let me have it! *CLANG* Ow!
>"Hey captain, can I keep this feisty little Odango?" The black haired
>pirate asked the white haired pirate.
Joel: Pirate Vs. Pirate?
>"Sure, what ever. Now, lets get the goods!" Minako looked up and
>gasped as the other pirate grabbed Usagi by the waist and tossed her
>onto his shoulder.
Tom: <Usagi> Check me out, I'm the first lady of wrestling!
Crow: A button! A button! C'mon, I want the suplex!
>Usagi began to kick and punch him. He wobbled while she did this,
>however, he never let go of her.
Joel: No no, use your ceremonial salt! All Asians carry some, right?
Tom: She'd better Hulk up before he reaches the ship.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Crow: Sky rockets in flight... afternoon delight?
>Ami rushed to a wounded man. She tore a part of her dress and wrapped
>it around his arm, which had a bullet in it. She tightened the cloth
>on his arm, and he grunted in pain.
Tom: Another successful Dick Cheney quail hunt.
Crow: Sure it wasn't for snipe?
>Ami then started to get up as something hit her in the back of the
>head. She fell on top of the man.
Joel: Poor Ami. Well, the man's gonna get you every time.
>Suddenly, Ami felt herself get lifted from the ground. She tried to
>open her eyes, but couldn't.
Tom: She just KNOWS that schlock like this has to have at least one
Keanu Reeves bumbling about.
>"Lets get you some place safe." She heard a gentle man's voice say.
>
>She smiled softly and then, she passed out.
Joel: When a vampire bites, you get another vampire. When a werewolf
bites, you get another werewolf. When a pirate bites, you get... um...
Crow: Syphilis.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: Depth Charges! DIVE! DIVE!!!
>A/N: Whew, the first chapter of a long crazy story. I know that you
>all can guess whom the two pirates are that ran off with Usagi and
>Minako.
Joel: Herman Toothrot and Largo LaGrande?
Tom: At least give me a hint... were they from Pittsburgh, Oakland,
or Tampa Bay?
>How about Ami's hero?
Crow: Too much mayo, not enough salami.
>Hee Hee… this should be one interesting story! You know the drill,
>review!
Joel: No, we'll stick with the running commentary, thanks.
>Chapter 2; The Ship's prisoners
Crow: This almost makes me pine for the Ratliff-verse.
Tom: Almost.
>Minako groaned. She felt as if she was lying on a hard bed. She
>started to pick up her arm,
Joel: <Minako> I am Minako. A robot. I can put my arm back on. You
can't. So play safe!
>but suddenly was splashed by ice-cold salt water.
Crow: Then a splash of bitters, vodka, grenadine, and a Maraschino
cherry.
>"AGH!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, as she was jolted out of her slumber.
>
>"WAKE UP!" A man's voice yelled.
Tom: MAID SERVICE! COMPLIMENTARY TOWELS!
Crow: He'd best be careful, less she hit the snooze, if you get
my drift...
Joel: So, is this the One Piece crossover we've all been not waiting
for?
>Minako looked up to see the white haired pirate who had kidnapped
>her. "Why I otta…"
>
>He smiled down at her and tossed the bucket to the side. "You otta
>what?"
Tom: <Minako> We otta stop talking like cheap hoods from a
gangster flick.
>Minako started to get up but she felt something restraining her. She
>looked up to see that she was hand cuffed to the ship. "Oh just
>dandy…" She groaned.
Crow: <Minako> Unless I'm Jackie Chan, I'm pretty much screwed.
>"Don't worry, we're out to sea now, I will release you from those
>hand cuffs." She looked up at him in shock. Was he being nice?
Joel: <Pirate> ...and place this iron ball on a chain around your
ankle.
Crow: <Minako> D'oh!
>He leaned over her and un-cuffed her hand. "Well, now that you are my
>prisoner, you have some chores to do!" Minako glared at him.
Tom: <Minako> If any of the next fifteen words you say is
"poopdeck", I'm kicking you in the crotch.
>"Like the hell I will!" She yelled.
>
>The captain smiled at her, amused.
Crow: Legally Blond 3: At Wits End.
>"Rei will be giving you your chores."
>
>Minako stood up and kicked at him.
Joel: <Minako> Hi-Keeba!
Crow: <captain> Arr, I didn't say "poopdeck!"
>The captain turned his back on her and laughed. "You know, you better
>straiten up your act soon or you will walk the plank."
Tom: Then you'll really be in dire straights!
Joel: BINGO! I've got pillaging, boats, the free spot, clichéd
language.. and walking the plank!
>Minako glared at him. She felt powerless. There was nothing in that
>room that she could throw at him.
Crow: So she settled for a half-dozen curses.
Tom: Except herself... oh, wait, that's another cliché.
>"Common Odango, time to give you your assignment!"
>
>"MY NAME IS USAGI! U-SA-G I! NOT ODANGO!!!"
Joel: We just witnessed a drive-by shooting of the Japanese
language.
Crow: As always, should you or any of your senshi be caught or
killed, the author will disavow any knowledge of your powers.
>Minako perked up. Usagi! She rushed up the stairs to see her cousin
>yelling at the black haired pirate. "USAGI!"
Crow: <Usagi> See? SEE!? She knows my name!
Tom: <black haired pirate> At least you HAVE a name! We're all
just different colors of hair! HAIR!!! <sobbing>
>"MINAKO!" They ran to each other and hugged.
>
>"How sweet… a reuniting!" The black haired pirate cooed.
Joel: Yeah, wow, they've been separated what? Two whole hours?
>Usagi took off her shoe and threw it at him.
>
>It hit him square in the head.
>
>"HEY! Not nice!"
Tom: (laughs) Pirates by day, steel mill workers by night.
Crow: <Minako> Why didn't I think of that??
>Usagi spat out her tongue
Joel: <Minako> Holy crap! You're the Grudge! I mean, Ju-on!
I mean... AHHHHHHH!!!
>and started to run to the edge of the boat with Minako. They both
>gasped horrified, as they could not see land for miles.
Tom: Maybe they should just hang out on the Lido Deck with
Gopher then.
>They slumped their shoulders as the black haired pirate put his arms
>around both of them. "SIGH, isn't the ocean grand?"
Joel: Until it gets in your nose. Blecch.
Crow: Who says a pirate can't be a playa?
>Usagi punched his chin from underneath. "I hate it."
Tom: Too bad he didn't have any teeth left to shatter.
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Crow: <sarcastically> Yes, truly that ocean is the grandest of all.
(Joel lightly lands an uppercut to Crow's chin.)
Joel: I hate it.
Crow: Ow, hey!
>Ami opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times, allowing her eyes
>to focus.
Tom: Then she decided, "Can't let THAT happen," and screwed her
eyes shut.
Crow: <Ami> Ohh, what a nightmare... I dreamed I was attending this
chess tournament in Canada... CANADA! <sobbing>
>"Are you alright?"
>
>Ami gasped and sat strait up. She shook her head and looked at the
>guy.
Joel: <Mamoru> The last girl I kissed was abducted. Come to daddy!
>"Who are you… where am I… what-"
Tom: ...is your quest?
Crow: You're right, Lieutenant, she DOES have a lot of questions.
>"Shhh… I am Taiki. I um… escaped a ship of pirates and I saw you were
>hit by some pirate and I figured I would…"
Joel: <Taiki> ...put some clothes on you, you must be freezing.
>He walked over to her and knelt by her side. "How do you feel?"
Crow: <Ami> Like I was keelhauled.
Tom: <Taiki> Oh yeah, I knew I forgot to mention something!
>Ami studied the ground. "Where they after you?"
>
>Taiki lowered his eyes.
Tom: <Taiki> They where indeed.
Joel: <Ami> SIGH, isn't the ground grand?
>"I am the first captain's brother. When they realize I am missing,
>they will hunt me down."
Crow: <Taiki> I wonder if they've finished counting to 100 yet?
>Ami looked into his eyes. "Why did they attack us?"
>
>Taiki shrugged. "They were out of food."
Tom: <Ami> What the hell, there's a frigging Zehrs like a mile
up the road.
>Ami shook her head. "I'm going to see if my friends are ok." She
>stood up and saw that there were in a cabin that was on fire.
Crow: <Ami as Sean Connery> Our situation has not improved.
Joel: <Taiki> The pirates got cold, too.
>She quickly walked out the door and gasped in horror. The whole
>village was burnt down.
Tom: <Ami> CURSE YOU, PETER MOLYNEUX!!!
>She walked towards a man who was throwing things at a old store. She
>recognized him as the store's owner. Mamoru.
Joel: Mamoru's adventures with the microwave finally went too far.
Crow: <Mamoru> You couldn't protect them! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF
A CONVENIENCE STORE?!?
>She walked past him to where her friend's cabin was. It was burnt
>down along with everyone else's. She shook her head and walked
>around.
Tom: I love how Ami just flat out ignores Mamoru's drama.
Crow: All we need to complete the scene is Silent Bob.
>"MINAKO! USAGI!"
>
>One guy stopped and looked at her strangely. "Miss, those two girls
>were taken by the pirates."
Joel: Fires burning all around, and he's giving plot points!
What dedication!
Tom: He's got the list. Michiru was taken by aliens, Setsuna was
taken by elves, and Rei was taken by the loony bin and asked inside.
>Ami jerked her head around to look at him. "WHAT?!"
>
>"They are gone, never to be seen again." The guy then walked off.
Crow: The author's nephew, ladies and gentlemen, the author's
nephew.
Tom: He just realized that he was due to give plot points in
Voltaire's "Candide".
>Ami glared towards the man who walked out of the cabin she was in the
>night before. "Taiki!"
>
>He looked at her. "What?"
Joel: <Ami> Who was that man? I'd like to shake his hand!
>"I need to go to that ship and save my friends." She walked up to
>him. "Where is the ship going?"
>
>Taiki bit his lip. "North."
Tom: [singing] North, to Alaska / Go north, the rush is on.
Joel: <Ami> To Hokkaido, got it!
Crow: <Taiki> No no no no, we're the West Jap-Indies now...
>She grabbed his hand. "Take me there."
Crow: <Ami> Someday, somewhere, somehow. Or, you know, when you
get a minute.
Joel: <Ami> Only Santa Claus can save my friends now!
>He shook his head. "Don't worry, if you stay with me, they will find
>you."
Tom: <Taiki, seductive> I'm a bad penny, baby. I always turn heads.
>Ami studied him and then nodded. `Why is he so sure they will
>find him.'
>
>Taiki smiled, as if he read her mind. "I have their treasure map."
Joel: <Taiki> See, they're located due east of Grimace!
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: <Ami> LANDDDDDDDDD HOOOOOO!!!
Crow: <Taiki> Oh, behave!
>The white haired pirate threw everything in his room onto the floor.
>"TAIKI!!!!!"
Joel: He replaced his "Just For Men" with the "Drew Carey Memorial
Hair Bleaching System".
>Some of the pirates rushed into his carters. "Captain!"
Tom: The other pirates rushed into his roosevelts.
Crow: <Captain> You men have my ford.
>The pirate's eyes flashed with anger. "That Taiki did it again!" He
>kicked the table so that it would fall on the floor as well.
Joel: <author> See, he's really angry and stuff so that's why he
did that thing there right then.
>"He thinks that by stealing the treasure map we would stop hunting
>for the ancient treasure! Such a good doer!"
Tom: <captain> It belongs in a museum! My fanny!
>The pirates all looked at each other. "Captain?"
>
>The captain threw another item on the floor and stomped on it. "I AM
>GOING TO KILL HIM!!!"
Crow: <captain> ...right after I get a new parrot. Sorry, Polly.
Joel: Now was this a treasure map or would this show you where Jimmy
Kimmel and Bobcat Goldthwait lives?
>The pirates started to leave. "HOLD IT! Bring me my prisoner!"
>
>They smiled and rushed off. Moments later they dragged a kicking and
>screaming Minako back.
Crow: <Captain> Hey, this is cool! Take her away again! Naw, bring
her back! Whee!
Joel: <Minako, crying> I don't know where Chunk is, I swear!
>"You are to clean up this mess. I hate cleaning." He then walked out
>of the room.
>
>"Is there anything you don't hate?" A pirate asked.
>
>"SHUT UP!!"
Tom: <Pirate> Don't mind the Captain, he hates long good-byes.
>They then closed the door, leaving Minako to clean. She looked
>around. "As if!"
Joel: MTV's "Like, Totally! At Sea".
Tom: Japanese magical girls in colonial times speaking valley
girl slang while held hostage by bishonen pirates... I think my brain
just crapped itself.
>Suddenly the door opened and a pirate looked in. "Clean or you walk
>the plank!"
>
>Minako picked up a book and threw it at the pirate.
Crow: <Minako> Floor's done.
Joel: <pirate> "Treasure Island"? Oh, that's just plain mean!
>"So much like the captain." The pirate moaned just before he was
>whacked by another book.
Joel: Cap'n gets bitchy when he gets kidnapped too.
Tom: Just wait until she throws "Atlas Shrugged" at you, you won't
be able to plunder for a week.
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: Water... the source of all scene changes.
>The black haired pirate closed the kitchen door and dragged Usagi
>with him into the kitchen. "You are going to cook today!"
>
>Usagi grumbled.
Tom: So, put prisoners in charge of the food supply. How are these
pirates still alive?
Crow: They're bishounen, an ice cube is an indulgence.
Tom: So's my attention, and it's melting faster than said ice cube
in Egypt.
>"HEY! Makoto! Look who I have?" He yelled.
Joel: <Makoto> If it's Charlie Sheen, you can throw him back.
>A beautiful brown haired girl popped her head up from behind a
>mountain of potatoes. "Did you bring me an assistant, Seiya-san?"
Crow: <Seiya> I brought you dysentery, isn't that enough?
>Usagi looked up at him. "Seiya?"
>
>"That's me!" He then turned his attention to Makoto. "Can you make me
>those awesome hamburgers?"
Tom: We've gone from Crystal Tokyo to Long John Silver's to
White Castle.
Crow: Once again, we halt the plot of a Japanese story for a
food moment.
Joel: Food. Try some, won't you?
>Makoto laughed. "Yes!"
>
>"JA NE!" Seiya let go of Usagi and left.
Tom: <Seiya> And can I have a side order of Pocky with that?
Cause I'm Japanese.
>Usagi stuck her tongue out at him and turned to Makoto. "My cooking
>sucks."
Joel: <annoyed sigh> For those of you just joining us...
Crow: Sheep Sheep would be proud.
>Makoto looked at her and laughed. "Nice try. Come help me peal these
>potatoes."
Tom: Another day in the offshore sweatshops of McDonald's.
Joel: <Makoto, singing> Peelings... nothing more than peelings...
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: <Samuel L. Jackson> I have had it with these motherBLEEPing
snakes in this motherBLEEPing fic!
>Minako sighed as she leaned against the wall. The room was all fixed
>and shinning, as if no one ever had a tantrum fit.
Joel: Groundskeeper Willie was cowering in the corner.
Crow: <Minako> No matter how many tantrums I throw, the room always
returns to normal! That makes me MAD!!!
>She got up and started to walk to the door. The moons light shined
>through the window.
Tom: Emilio Estevez's naked butt danced a southbound jig.
>She gazed out the window for a moment.
Crow: Oh lord, she's not gonna start singing a song from 'Les
Miserables', is she?
Tom: <Pirate> No no, there'll be no singing here!
>Then she saw the captain walk towards the room she was in. She
>panicked and took off a shoe, ready to throw it.
Crow: Joel, can I throw something at the pirates next?
Joel: It'd just mess up the theater screen.
Crow: And?
>The door opened and the shoe flew. WACK!
Tom: With a name like Minako, you wouldn't figure her for
American Maid.
>"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!" The White haired captain
>yelled as he picked up her shoe and stormed at her.
Joel: <Usagi> The shoephone's for you!
Crow: <captain> Agent 99?
>`Ok, it doesn't work on this guy… shoot…' Minako backed up into a
>corner.
Tom: Just call him 'Pirate of Space'.
Crow: <captain> Ha ha ha! How many times must I tell you!? Your
pumps are useless against me!
>She was ready for him to hit her. She braced herself for the hit.
Joel: This 'fic throws everything... shoes, tantrums...
Tom: Its hands up in the air?
>"Pathetic. You did a lousy job of cleaning."
>
>Minako opened her eyes and blinked. He insulted her cleaning skills?
Crow: <captain> I can't see myself in this mirror... WACK!
Joel: <Minako, darkly> How 'bout now?
>She looked at him. His back was to her. The moonlight made him look
>like an angel. He wore a loose white shirt with long sleeves. His
>hair was tied back. He wore tight black pants. If Minako didn't hate
>him… she would have melted. He was gorgeous.
Tom: With his white hair and white shirt, we're absolutely sure that
he wasn't just overexposed?
>He looked back at her. His green eyes sparkled. Minako shook it off.
>"I am a very good cleaner!" She told him.
Joel: <Minako> I'm steaming mad at dirt!
>He turned around to face her, and grinned. "You stink."
Crow: Think Mamoru's currently wearing the "I'm a Virgin" shirt?
>Minako blinked. "Why I otta!!!!!!" She grabbed her other shoe, ready
>to throw it.
Joel: <Minako> I just remembered I'm Japanese! I can't wear these
indoors!
>He rushed over to her and knocked the shoe out of her hand. "Throw
>one more thing at me, and I will do something to you far worse then
>walking the plank."
Tom: <Captain> Now, this is Robin Williams as Popeye. A-gagagagaga!
Crow: <Minako> That's still infinitely preferable to Dave Coulier.
Tom: <Captain> Well, you oughtta know...
>Minako looked away from him. Tears filled her eyes, but she would not
>let him have the gratitude of them falling.
Joel: Gratitude? What is she, Dr. Klahn now?
>She looked at him with a firm expression. "I'd rather die then to be
>here on this stinking boat with a stuck up little pathetic…"
>
>The captain's eyes danced with glee. "Oh? Die huh?"
Crow: Isn't this where the Muppets are all supposed to sing?
>He grabbed a hold of her filthy and torn dress. "WHEW! You reek!" He
>grabbed a clothespin and stuck it on his nose as he pulled the girl
>out of his cabin.
Tom: If a pirate is telling you that you reek, it's really time to
examine your life and hygiene.
>He quickly picked her up and tossed her over board.
>
>"YIIIIIIII!!!!" She screamed as she fell into the water.
Joel: Then he put in a squirt of Palmolive.
>He then grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at her. "Hope you can
>swim!"
Crow: *A* bar of soap, or *the only* bar of soap?
Tom: <Captain> Grab onto this to float! Yar har!
Joel: But if ye can't, no worries, that Coast will bring yer
back to life!
>The other pirates laughed as Minako glared at them. "OOOHHHH… If I
>was a witch I'd show them a thing or two…" She growled.
Tom: <Minako> Check out my broom and hat! Nice, huh?
Crow: Kiki's Delivery Service II: Miyazaki Retches.
>She suddenly realized that the ship was at a halt. She looked up to
>see the other pirates climbing and jumping off of the boat.
Joel: <pirate> CANNON BALL!!! *splash*
Tom: Turns out that this was just a Carnival theme cruise.
>She looked over her shoulder and saw an island right behind her. She
>quickly swam over to the island and climbed out of the water onto the
>shore.
Crow: Wow, that was a... daring escape.
>"NO NO NO!!!!!"
>
>Minako looked as the other pirate threw Usagi off of the boat. He
>then jumped off behind her. He grabbed the kicking and screaming
>girl and swam to shore.
Joel: Frankie Avalon is getting pushy in his attempt to restart
his career!
>Minako picked up a branch and looked at him. If he touched her or
>Usagi in any way...
Tom: ...she'll sick 'The Happening' on him?
>He smiled at Minako and tossed Usagi at her.
Joel: I think they missed a couple rules in their dodgeball
tournament.
>"You two better bathe or Captain Yaten will loose his temper again."
>He then was gone.
Crow: <Minako> We'll bathe in our imaginary water and use your
condescension as sweet lavender soap.
Joel: Hey, let's use Pert Plus! It's imaginary plus condescension
in one!
>The girls looked at each other in shock. They were alone?
Bots: Kiss her! Kiss her!
>"I am here to make sure that you two don't run off."
>
>The two girls jumped when they heard the icy female voice.
Crow: Might as well.
Tom: Lei Fang's a bit bitchy, Kasumi couldn't dig the last spike
and they lost by a set.
> "I am Rei, Seiya's younger sister. You are my responsibility now."
>She flung her long raven hair over her shoulder and looked at them
>with her violet eyes. "I am strong enough to take both of you on."
Joel: It'll be just like 'Suite Life On Deck'!
Tom: If you see any Daryl Hannahs in the ocean, just ram 'em with
the boat. They sink quickly afterward.
>Makoto swam over to the girls. "Hi ladies! It's so nice to see more
>girls!"
>
>Minako and Usagi looked at the brown haired girl and smiled.
Tom: Donny Osmond is on this cruise too, isn't he?
Joel: Oh, I get it! It's Secret Agent Super Dragon II.
Crow: <P.A. system> Entertainment Night will be at 7:30 on the Lita
Deck. We will be showing "Splash" on Makoto's Back, tickets are $1.50
for everyone but Donny Osmond.
>"We better move to another location so the captain doesn't watch us."
>Makoto said. She pointed to the ship where Yaten was throwing stuff
>overboard and yelling.
Joel: No, Yaten, that goes with the... plot, dammit... Anyone else
got a prop or three, or a spare backdrop?
Tom: I hear Tommy Wiseau's got the hookup for a green screen.
>"Um, why is he so mad?" Usagi asked.
Joel: Because at those prices he's practically giving them away?
Tom: Hey, if your favorite franchise got rebooted, you'd be
plenty pissed too.
Crow: Covering a lot of ground with that one, Servo?
Tom: Take your pick.
>"Typical, my older brother stole the map. He feels that we should
>leave the history be and find newer treasures." Rei said.
Crow: <Rei> Nic Cage is really chapping his ass, Nic always seems
to get there first.
>Minako giggled. "So, um, he is a unique pirate?"
>
>Rei rolled her eyes. "I think Captain Yaten will make him walk the
>plank this time."
Tom: Since the keelhauling was obviously a failure.
>Usagi frowned. "When will the captain let Minako and me go?"
>
>Makoto laughed. "Never!
All: <singing> Bismillah!
>They kidnapped me five years ago. Look at me now. Their chief."
Joel: <Makoto> I'm having a little trouble kicking the peace pipe.
>Minako shook her head. "Usagi and I both can't cook."
Tom: <Minako> I've never sheeped in my life!
Crow: Well, they have something in common with Martha Stewart.
>Rei looked at them. "I am their only female pirate. I sit in the tree
>and shoot fire arrows at all of the cabins." She smiled.
Crow: I bet Rei's a real kick during summer camp.
Tom: Soooo, the huge muscular guy with the torch setting fire
to Minako's cabin in Chapter One just... never happened, huh?
Joel: Retcon... in about an hour!
>"I have done sword fighting as well. And I have killed many people."
Joel: <Rei> See? My T-shirt clearly says I beat the Sword Master
of Mêlée Island!
Crow: <Rei> I'm so powerful, I killed narrative integrity!
>Usagi grabbed onto Minako and they both looked at Rei in terror.
Joel: Now? Okay. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Crow: <announcer> 'The Sailor Moon Holiday Special' will be back
right after these messages!
Tom: Good timing too, we gotta go, guys...
(Joel picks up Tom and stands up along with Crow.)
>"Stop scaring them, Rei. Lets bathe before the Captain starts looking
>for us."
Tom: Sayyyy, finally a scene I can get into!
Crow: I smell a grail-shaped beacon nearby.
Joel: Somehow I doubt the Captain will be swayed by the oral sex.
Tom: Wait, lets just see how this plays out... Joel? Joel??
(Joel follows Crow out of the theater, carrying a still
protesting Tom)
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
A spotlight illuminated Tom Servo, dressed in a pirate costume
complete with a small do-rag and an eyepatch taped to his head.
A guitar was taped to his body as he hovered over to the nearest
microphone in front of him.
"Hey folks, Joel and I were just thinking that since we're
riffing on a pirate fanfic that now would be the perfect time for a
plot shanty. But since we already did that with 'Mighty Jack', we
settled for doing a parody of a UK boy band song. Enjoy!"
The room suddenly lit up to reveal Joel, clad in a puffy shirt
and black pants, standing next to Tom. In the back, Gypsy was clad
in a mod wig with polka-dot scarf and had a bass guitar strapped to
her chest. On the drums was Crow, dressed like Vyse from 'Skies of
Arcadia'. Also present were Minako, Ami and Usagi from 'Sailor
Moon', dressed as sexy British mod girls.
Joel and Tom stepped back to join the rest of the band as the
senshi walked up to their respective microphones.
<Sung to the tune of 'Five Colours In Her Hair' by McFly>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h76uVRSJ5bc
All: Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Minako: He's got a tem-per and no colour in his hair,
Not into clean-ing, but I love the clothes he wears,
I'd die if, I could, see him, in his un-der-wear.
I don't care.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pi-rates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down our vill-age and he
came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame
Minako: Everyone asked me
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no colour in his hair.
He's just a hottie with a snotty attitude,
I threw my shoe at him, he puts me in the mood.
Ami: The rumors spreading round that I read in the nude.
But I don't care.
Usagi: She don't care.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stupid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down our vill-age and that's
lame-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame
Minako: Everyone asks me,
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no color in his hair.
He was all I thought about,
The boy I couldn't live without.
He... made... me... go... insane,
My heart, he set, aflame
[Tom: Her village too.]
[Gypsy: Shh!]
Minako: His eyes, they were, to blame
He'd had enough
And told me that I STINK! And now...
[Everyone on stage simultaneously makes the OK sign with their hands.]
Minako: He's just a hair-ball with no name.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down my vill-age and he came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame.
Minako: Everyone asks me,
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no color in his hair.
4, 3, 2, 1!
All: Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Duuuuude...
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE ADVENTURES OF
CAPTAIN YATEN' PT. 2...
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other
multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing
and skits. ;p
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be...)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 46: THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN YATEN PT. 1
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just
covering our collective asses here folks...
"The Adventures of Captain Yaten" is the property of My Interests.
We attempted to contact her by e-mail but there was no reply and
we sincerely hope she does not take offense to this MSTing of
her work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p
Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence, coarse language
and mature content.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"'George Lopez' or 'According to Jim'"? Crow T. Robot inquired.
"Oh please! I wouldn't watch 'According to Jim' even if it had
full frontal nudity!" Tom Servo snapped.
"'Home Improvement' or 'Family Matters'"?
"Ugh... is killing myself an option? Okay, okay,
uhhh... 'Family Matters'. Four minutes of Tool Time isn't worth
eighteen minutes of Jill the shrill, the children of the corn and
Ol' Fence Face advising Comical Caveman."
Joel Robinson suddenly leaned into the camera's view. "Hey
everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love! As you've probably
guessed, Crow and Tom are killing some time before this week's
experiment..."
"'Star Trek: Voyager' or 'Sliders'..."
"Oh, that's easy! Sli..."
"...after John Rhys-Davis left the show."
"Aw, crap... uhhh... I dunno..."
"Come on, pick one already."
"All right, uhh... 'Star Trek: Voyager', I guess."
"Really? You'd take Kate Mulgrew OVER Kari Wuhrer!?" Crow
exclaimed.
"No, but I'll take Googly Eyes in a skin tight body suit over Jerry
O'Connell's bigger, dumber brother any day." Tom replied.
Crow nodded. "Fair enough. Now it's going to get
tougher... 'The Series Finale of Seinfeld' or..."
"Seinfeld." Tom bluntly interrupted.
"'Law and Order: Criminal Intent' or..."
"Crow, I would rather watch 'Cop Rock' than put up with
one minute of the sultan of smug, the prince of pretentious, the
emperor of ego that IS Vincent D'Onofrio!"
"Jealous, Servo?" Crow teased.
"Actually, I think Vincent's gone from the show now." Joel
chimed in.
"W-What?" Tom's head jerked in Joel's direction. "Are you
serious!?"
"Yeah, they fired his character on the show, he's done." Crow
confirmed.
Suddenly the lights on the Satellite of Love dimmed down, save
for a single spotlight that illuminated Tom. As Crow and Joel looked
around, confused, piano music could be heard over the P.A. system.
"What's this I hear...? What wondrous thing...?" Tom started
singing as his body rose slowly and majestically above the counter.
"Hoo boy..." Crow rolled his eyes.
"Suddenly, I have an urge... to laugh... and... SINGGGGGGG!!!"
Tom suddenly bellowed with all the tenor his voice could muster.
"Uh, Tom?" Joel noticed the red light on the counter flashing in
the darkness. "Sorry to stifle your big solo, but Strong Bad and The
Cheat are calling..."
"Thank God. Uh, I mean... too bad, Tommy." Crow recovered.
"Oh well, ding dong and all that jazz." Tom shrugged as he
hovered back down and the lights on the bridge brightened once again.
"Yeah... exactly how long have you been planning that celebration
of Vincent's departure?" Crow inquired.
"Oh, not long... nine years or so." Tom replied as Joel winced
before giving the red light a slap.
* * *
DEEP 13
"Doctor Mad! Dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah! Doctor Mad!"
TV's Frank sang off-screen as Dr. Clayton Forrester approached the
viewscreen.
"Thank you, Frank. And greetings to you, Sex, Lies and
Videotape! I'm in a generous mood today and thus I've decided to
treat myself to first dibs on the invention exchange. Drive her on in,
Frankie..."
Dr. Forrester stepped back as Frank drove his Dodge Charger into
the laboratory. As Frank put the car in park, Dr. Forrester stuck his
head into the car window and gestured at the radio.
"Has this ever happened to you? You're stuck in rush hour
traffic with only your radio for company. So you scan for a song
you like or at least can tolerate..."
Frank frantically played with the radio knobs until the mellow
tones of a classic 80s tune filled the car.
"Finally, you find such a song and breath a sigh of relief... only
to have an announcer or obnoxious commercial rudely interrupt, because
YOU had the bad luck to catch the song at its tail end. Then the next
song they play sucks, causing you to swear in frustration as you
resume scanning..."
"Now imagine a device, secretly implemented into car radios the
world over, that will automatically cut into ANY song played on your
radio for longer than ten to forty-five seconds... the timer is
random, you see, keeps the driver guessing and better maximizes the
increase in blood pressure and road rage..."
Frank pantomimed hitting the steering wheel and clawing the air
in frustration. Then he made several angry gestures at the phantom
cars behind and ahead of him before finally slamming his head down
on the car horn, pretending to sob.
"And for all you smart-asses out there screaming 'Why can't I just
use the personal media player that comes with the car instead!?', I've
personally taken care of that too..."
"EEYEOW!!" Frank screamed as he yanked his smoldering finger back
from the CD button on his radio. "Hey, you told me you disengaged the
static shock system!" Frank whined as he placed his finger in his
mouth.
"And you believed me. That's why I like you, Frank." Dr.
Forrester smiled as he mockingly and affectionately tapped Frank's
chin with his fist.
"Oooh, I'll show you! I can always sing the songs myself!"
Frank shot back as he took a deep breath. "WE WERE BORN TO
BE... ALIIIIIVE!! WE WERE BORN TO BE... ALIIII..." Frank's
voice was muted as Dr. Forrester pulled back from the car with a
scowl, took a remote control from his coat pocket and rolled up the
power windows.
"Heh, well, some drivers may be more stubborn than others..."
Dr. Forrester shrugged. "Anyway, Joel, let's see the withered fruit
of your labour..."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Funny you should mention fruit, sirs, that's the basis of my
invention this week. And here to help me, is my lovely assistant, Tom
Servo!" Joel exclaimed as Cambot pulled back to reveal Tom with a
tangerine resting in his bubble dome head.
"Just get on with it, Joel Offer, I can't do this all day." Tom
muttered.
Joel gestured at the tangerine. "Have you ever bought some
slightly unripe fruit with limited time to enjoy it but you got
caught up in other stuff and by the time you're ready to eat
it, it's too late? Well now, thanks to a new subroutine I've
installed in Tom, he can tell me the exact moment when a fruit
is at perfect ripeness to enjoy! How much longer, Tom?"
"Yep, it should be... oh no, wait, wait... not yet... nope."
Tom replied as Joel clenched and unclenched his hand impatiently
above Tom's head.
"Well, how much longer?" An annoyed Joel asked.
"Not long... okay, nnnnnnnnnope, not yet. And nnnnnnnnnnnope,
still ripening... still ripening... still... yep, still ripening..."
Tom repeated.
"Tom, you wouldn't be ribbing your creator, would you?" Joel
frowned.
"Joel, please, it's done when its done. Show some patience,
already!" Tom replied with a huff. "It's nearly, nearly, nearly
close to being done real soon now..."
"Uh-huh, would the threat of a loadpan cleaning speed up the
process any?" Joel asked ominously as he dropped his hand down
to land heavily on top of Tom's head.
"Ding! Your fruit is now at optimal ripeness, sir!" Tom
replied immediately.
"All right!" Joel grinned as he popped open Tom's bubbledome
cap and reached inside for the tangerine. After peeling it, he took a
bite and closed his eyes. "Mmmmm... oh my darling, clementine..."
"Hey Joel, I've got some fruit I'd like Tom to test out." Crow
exclaimed as he strolled onto the bridge.
"Knock yourself out." Joel replied with a mouthful of tangerine
as Crow walked over to Tom and dropped something with a squishy
plop into Tom's head.
"AUUUGH! W-What the hell!? CROW!!" Tom roared.
"What? It's just a banana. So, is it ripe yet?" Crow replied
innocently.
"Are you kidding!? It's black and oozing and, oh yuck, it's
dripping into my neck hole! Gross!!" Tom sputtered.
"Great! It's perfect for making Banana Bread with then! Thanks
for confirming it, Ser... WHOA!" Crow suddenly fled with an enraged
Tom in hot pursuit. Joel stared after them for a moment before
shrugging and taking another bite of his tangerine.
"What'da think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not
to put it in a fruit salad." Dr. Forrester replied as he pushed up
his glasses.
"Zen." Joel nodded.
"Mandarin Buffet, actually. But enough food for thought, it's
time to get cooking, mama-jama! This week's experiment shake n' bakes
the cast of Sailor Moon with a bag of hair until they're one big
sticky, goofy mess that serves six! Now throw in a pirate theme, hold
the canon, and voila! Tuesday taste, Sunday effort!" Dr. Forrester
exclaimed with an evil grin.
"Yarr Har Har... so ye best be preparin' yerselves for a tale of
heartburning malice and EEEEEVIL hairplugs! It's 'The
Adventures of Captain Yaten'... make 'em walk the plank, Frank..."
There was a moment of silence as Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes.
"Right, I almost forgot." He walked over to the file cabinet and
picked up the fanfic lying on top of it. Meanwhile, Frank was
still singing up a foggy storm in his car, oblivious to the world.
"Yeah, we'll see how long you can keep it up, Frank, I took the
liberty of removing the Archie comic this time..." Dr. Forrester
muttered to himself as he fed the fanfic into the console.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Geez, Crow, you really gunked him up." Joel muttered as Tom
Servo lay on the countertop in a half-dozen pieces. Joel was
currently wiping Tom's bubbledome with a wet cloth.
"I said I was sorry! Besides, you can both have some of my
banana bread when its done." Crow replied.
"You know where you can stick YOUR piece." Tom's jaw growled
from the other side of the counter.
"Calm down, Tom, I'm almost done." Joel admonished as he
finished wiping and quickly reassembled the robot just before
multicolored lights flashed and alarms began to wail.
"Cool, my banana bread is done!" Crow exclaimed.
"No, it's not! It's FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything,
it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for
you as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch
as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you
step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.
>Fan Fic by: My Interests
Joel: Free Time courtesy of My Lack of Hobbies.
Tom: So Pina Coladas and Moonlight Walks Along The Beach
wrote this. Got it.
>Sailor Moon Disclaimer: Duh, I do not own the rights to Sailor
>Moon- nor will I ever.
Joel: <author> I'll be content with a million dollars ransom for
her safe return..
>I am just a wild dreamer. ^_~
Crow: She often finds herself lost in the mall FULLY CLOTHED!
>Story description: Some evil Pirates attack a village that happens to
>have some beautiful maidens in it. What happens when they kidnap
>these maidens and take them out to sea?
Tom: It either ends in DOA beach volleyball... or someone talking
to Wilson.
>S/U, Y/M, T/A- hee hee - no sailor senshi in this story.
Tom: T/A? Does that mean this pirate fic is rated... Arrrrrrr?
Crow: Oh, wow, no senshi in a Sailor Moon fanfic? That's fucking
REVOLUTIONARY!
>Chapter 1; The Attack!
All: <singing> ...of the Killer TO-MA-TOES...!
>The story takes place in the 1700's.
Joel: Back when men were poofy and women were... also poofy.
Tom: The War of the Senshi Succession.
>A beautiful girl runs down the street of her village. She stops and
>waves at one of her neighbors.
Crow: As narrated by Voltaire.
Joel: <girl> Help me, I'm being chased by slavers!
Tom: <neighbour> And a glorious morning to you as well, m'dear!
>She wore her beautiful blond hair up in two buns letting the hair from
>her buns fall freely below. Her smile would light up anyone's day.
Crow: Yes, it's Princess Leia: The Musical!
>She had big blue eyes, and she wore a brown dress with an apron. She
>was known as the village klutz though. Her name: Tsukino Usagi.
Joel: We'll be back to "Super Bloopers and Practical Jokes" after
these messages.
>She rushed off towards her destination. A grocery store. She needed
>to get some items for dinner that she had forgotten to buy.
Crow: Oh great, another Centron short.
>She was 20 years old now, and she lived in her own cabin with her
>cousin, Aino Minako.
Tom: Made of Lincoln Logs! Don't sneeze, Usagi!
>She peeked her head into the store and saw the store owner stocking
>the shelves. He turned to smile at her. "Hello, Tsukino-kun!"
Joel: <Owner> We've got some fresh filth in t'day!
Crow: <Tsukino> Giveth me some meat pie wi'hout so much rat
innit! How's the mead today?
Joel: <Owner> About the same as it was a month ago.
>Usagi walked in to the store. "Hello Chiba-kun!" She waved to Chiba
>Mamoru. He had black hair, blue eyes and wore his normal shop
>uniform.
Tom: A garish pink "Hello Kitty" sports bra and hot pants.
Crow: <Mamoru> Irrashai~!
>She looked at a shelf and picked up some flower. She glanced at the
>tall dark haired man. She always thought he was good looking,
>however, he was not too nice.
Joel: <Mamoru> You moron, you can't bake with flower!
>She put the flower in her basket and walked over to the next isle. She
>saw some cloth that was used for babies' diapers.
Crow: Then she wheeled the shopping cart to the tampon aisle.
>She touched the soft fabric and smiled softly. She couldn't wait to
>find a true love and have children.
Joel: Is this an episode of 'Little House on the Prairie'?
Tom: Can't be, no one's died yet.
>She looked over to the left of the diapers and saw some other things
>she needed.
Crow: Cosmopolitan, People Magazine, the latest Archie Digest,
of course...
Tom: We're having a sale on clues, maybe you should buy one?
>She then walked over to the cash register and waited for Mamoru. He
>came over a few minutes later.
>
>"Is this all, Tsukino-kun?" He bagged her groceries.
Crow: <Mamoru> Paper, plastic, or sheepskin?
Joel: <Tsukino> You take 'Discover', right?
Tom: I think this has passed the "creative anachronism" phase into
the Dr. Who memorial "outright assaults on time".
>Usagi nodded her head. She then pulled out some money.
>
>"Don't worry about paying, um, how about letting me take you out on a
>date?" He asked as he handed her the groceries.
Crow: "My Super Sweet 1600s".
Joel: At this point, I'm just waiting for Doc Brown to walk in.
Tom: That's great, maybe he can tell us which Earth this is really
taking place on.
Joel: Has the chalkboard been invented yet?
Tom: Does it matter??
>Usagi blushed. "When and where?"
>
>He considered for a minute. "I'll pick you up at your place tonight."
Joel: <Usagi> Aren't you picking me up right now?
Crow: <Mamoru> Then I'll put you on my shoulders, it's a
weird kink, I know, but go with it.
>Usagi nodded in agreement and took the groceries. She quickly left
>the store and started to walk on home. She smiled to herself, knowing
>that the store owner is a good catch.
Tom: Yeah, Mamoru's a regular Moby Dick all right.
>She couldn't wait until that night.
>
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: <George Constanza> The scene change was angry that day,
my friends...
>Usagi tasted the food she was cooking for dinner. Sadly, it tasted
>horrible.
Crow: <Usagi> So much for the best meat being in the rump.
Tom: Next time, make sure you completely thaw the ottoman before
basting.
>She lowered her head and sighed. "How can I ever get a husband if my
>cooking tastes so awful?"
Joel: <Usagi> I know, I'll have him take up smoking, then he won't
taste a thing!
>Minako walked into the room. She smiled kindly at her older cousin.
>"How's it coming?"
>
>Usagi tossed the big wooden spoon into the pot and walked away
>from it.
Crow: <Usagi> I keep stirring the water but it just won't boil!
>"It's horrid. What did you expect?" She sighed and picked up a dress.
>It was maroon and the fabric was soft. It went all the way up her
>neck and the dress went down to the floor. It had long sleeves.
Joel: It also covered the windows when tied to the wall.
Crow: <Usagi> Bibbity Boppity Bunk.
>Minako smiled at her cousin. "A date?"
>
>Uasagi looked at her and nodded proudly. "The store owner."
Joel: <Minako> The dollar store owner? You mean that Asian dude?
Crow: <Usagi> Like I'd be caught dead with an Asian dude.
>Minako got up and walked over to the window, viewing the sunset. "I
>would love to marry a pirate!" She giggled and looked back at a
>shocked Usagi.
Crow: <Usagi> Just last week, you said you wanted to marry a brewer!
Joel: <Minako> That was before the hangove... honeymoon!
>"They are so full of adventure, and I know I would be rich." She
>giggled at Usagi. "Don't worry, Pirates are never around."
Tom: Until they play the home stand against the Mets.
>Usagi nodded slowly and walked to her room. She closed the door
>behind her and started to get dressed.
Tom: Wait! She was NUDE until now!? You have to TELL us these
things in advance, fanfic!
Joel: Pirates must've made off with her bodice.
Crow: Pirates must've made off with the plot.
>Minako went over to the pot and tested how the stew really tasted.
>She stuck out her tongue in disgust. "Man, she is a terrible cook!
>Better marry a very rich man! YUCK!"
Tom: To recap: Usagi sucks at cooking. Now this.
Crow: Is this a premiere for YET ANOTHER Chef Ramsay show?
>Minako started putting spices into the stew and tried to work with it
>when she heard a nock at the door. She stopped what she was doing
>and got up.
Tom: The archer outside nocked another arrow and waited silently.
>She wiped her hands on her apron and opened the door.
Joel: <Minako> Every time there's a Mel Brooks movie, he burns
our village!
>"Hello Miss. Is Tsukino-kun in?" The tall dark haired gentleman
>asked.
>
>Minako stared at him for a minute, debating if she should warn him to
>run for his life.
Tom: Poor Clark Gable...
Crow: She finally settled for humming the theme to 'Jeopardy'.
>She decided against it and opened the door. He walked in to the
>house.
>
>"She will be out shortly." Minako said as she closed the door.
Tom: <chuckling> I'm guessing *the door* knows the director
personally?
Joel: She must be putting on her fifth dress. It's a bit chilly
outside.
>Minako looked a lot like her cousin. However, Minako had her hair
>done up different and her hair was much shorter.
>
>Mamoru sat down in front of the fireplace. He noted the pot and
>pointed at it. "Are you cooking dinner?"
Crow: <Minako> The longer it's in the fire, the less it screams.
>Minako smiled and let out a little giggle. " Usagi is."
>
>He raised an eyebrow and then asked, "Should we stay here then?"
>
>Minako shook her head. `You want to live to see tomorrow?!?' She
>thought.
Tom: Come on, if her cooking's THAT bad, wouldn't the smell tip
him off?
>"Oh no, this meal is um… for my parents who are coming by tonight!"
>Minako lied. She shot a glance towards the door. `Hurry up!' She
>smiled at Mamoru. "What are your hobbies?"
Joel: <Mamoru> Collecting stamps, writing programs in C++ and
clubbing baby seals.
>Mamoru opened his mouth but nothing came out as right that second,
>Usagi came out in her beautiful dress.
Tom: <Usagi> I look almost like a Disney princess!!
Crow: <Mamoru> Wrong crossover.
>She smiled at him and turned around in a complete circle. "Do you
>like?"
>
>Mamoru didn't speak. He just kept his mouth wide open in awe.
Joel: <Mamoru> Can... can I wear it after you're done??
>Minako elbowed him, "You're catching flies!"
>
>He regained himself and cleared his throat. "You look simply
>ravishing."
Tom: <Usagi> What I'd like to have right now... is for all you
fat, out of shape, Shikoku sweathogs...
>Usagi blushed. "Thank you. Shall we go?"
>
>He smiled and got up. "We shall."
>
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Joel: <Mamoru> ddDdaammmnnn Th-th-thes-s-s-e POTHOLES!
>Mizuno Ami sat on her front porch reading a book. She had a lantern
>by her side, giving her light.
Crow: As opposed to giving her candy.
>She loved reading in the dark. It helped her think more.
Tom: Especially considering all the guessing she had to do about
what was on the DARK PAGE.
Crow: Are we going to be seeing Scooby Doo in about three paragraphs?
Joel: <Ami> Hmm, how can I remove all these bugs swarming around
my head?
>Her hair was short, and it shaped her face. It was blue along with
>her eyes. She looked up to see a happy couple walking past her home.
>The girl had long blonde hair and the guy had short black hair. She
>sighed and went back to her book.
Joel: <Ami> Millionaire by age 25, millionaire by age 25... Focus,
Ami, focus!
Crow: <Ami> Hey, check it out! If I close my eyes, the words are
just as visible!
>Even though no one in the village knew, she wanted to find love as
>well. Everyone assumed that since she was the village doctor she
>was too busy to ever find love. She flipped a page in her book. She
>hopped that she could one day find love.
Tom: Undaunted, she turned the next page on "New Moon".
Crow: <Ami> Wait, there's nothing here.
>She heard some noise and looked ahead. She couldn't see anything.
Joel: <Ami> USE TORCH
Tom: <Ami> How the <censored bleep> did I end up in Silent Hill!?
>Her cabin was by the ocean shore, and she would not venture to close
>to the waters at this hour. She picked up her lantern and squinted
>her eyes to see anything. That is when she saw it.
Crow: Her lantern, and little else.
Joel: <Ami> When will they get around to inventing radial keratotomy?
>A ship was docking. Not just any old ship. She saw a skull and
>crossbones symbol on a flag the ship had. A pirate ship!
Tom: <LeChuck> Could ye direct me to Mêlée island? I'm late for a
weddin'.
>She quickly blew out her lantern and picked up her dress. She ran
>like mad towards the village.
Joel: Ami is an odd little duck, isn't she?
Tom: So she reads books in the dark and NAKED??
Crow: That's fine, it's how Stephen King writes 'em.
>"PIRATES!!" She screamed as she rushed to the village's alert bell.
>She rang it with all of her strength. "PIRATES!"
Crow: Lock up your women and registered trademarks!
Joel: I think the townspeople will be more interested in the naked
lady ringing the bell.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: One of these days, we really should download the scene change
language pack.
>Minako stood over the pot, holding a wooden spoon by her face. Her
>eyes watering from all of the spices she had put into the pot. "It's
>worse now than before!" She began to spit out fire.
Crow: Pirates? Naah, let's get the focus off of them and onto some
hot cooking action!
>She tossed the spoon to the side and tossed herself onto the
>sofa. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.
Joel: Sofa? Lemme guess, it faces the 45" flatscreen with DVR.
>Suddenly, her door burst open. A man stood in the doorway holding a
>lit torch. " Arrh!" He said as he began to set her cabin on fire.
Crow: You have to admit, he makes a convincing argument.
Tom: Wow, the officials of this town get pissed if you don't pay
your property tax.
Joel: <Minako> Frankenstein is three cabins down, you idiot!
>Minako hid behind the sofa. Hiding from the terrifying man. Her was
>huge and muscular. He had a beard and one eye was missing. She held
>her breath as the man walked around the cabin.
Joel: <Minako> No, don't torch the sofa! I just had it Scotchgarded!
Crow: <pirate> PACKERS! WOOOO!!
>He then checked out one of the rooms, Usagi's and her bedroom, and
>then left.
Joel: Is this fanfic hosted by Monty Hall?
Tom: Talk about a lousy pirate, he missed the booty entirely!
>Minako let out some air.
Crow: <Minako> Whoa, the flames turned blue for a second! Cool!
>She quickly got up and saw that the fire was burning out of
>control. She started to rush out the front door when she heard
>something.
Tom: Her cellphone was ringing!
Crow: <whispering> If you build it, they will come...
>She turned around to see one of the windows smashed in and a white
>haired man jumped through it. He stood up strait and grinned at her.
Joel: It's Action Joe Biden! With his action hair plugs!
Tom: So are pirates naturally flame resistant or just plain stupid?
>Minako did the first thing that came to her mind. She grabbed the
>huge pot of yuck from the fire and threw the contents at the pirate.
>The Pirate screamed and she then threw the pot at him.
Joel: <Minako> This should mellow you out, man.
Crow: Then she threw the fire at him!
Tom: I almost wonder if she can transform, but I'm half-afraid it
could pull some Visigoths into the whirling time vortex.
>She picked up her dress and rushed out the door.
Crow: If only my dates were so considerate.
>She heard screams all around her. She decided to run towards the
>woods, as it would be the safest place for her.
Tom: Unless M. Night Shyamalan directs.
>As she ran, she could feel that someone was chasing her. She let out
>a scream and tried to run even faster. She would not look back as she
>knew that would slow her down.
Crow: Meanwhile, Sam Raimi chuckled as he pursued her with his
motorcycle cam.
>She made it to the edge of the woods, and she began to climb through
>them. She heard her dress tear, but that would not stop her.
Tom: As her garters started tearing, Minako cursed artistic license.
Joel: Less horror cliché than American Gladiator really.
>She did however stop when she felt something grab her from behind.
>She let out a scream as she looked fearfully at what grabbed her.
Joel: <Arch Hall Jr.> Roxxxxxyyyy...!
>"Lets see how well you do with out a pot of boiling slush!" The white
>haired man snarled to her.
Crow: <Minako> Okay, come back in a few months, I'll tell you how
I'm doing.
>She looked into his beautiful green eyes. How could eyes so
>beautiful, be that of a pirate?
Tom: But what about his obscenely thick beard, stinking of fish
and grog...?
Joel: <Minako, clenching teeth> BEAUTIFUL... GREEN... EYES...
>She tried to get away, but couldn't. He was much too strong. She felt
>her eyes fill up with tears. She watched as a smile formed on his
>face. "You're mine!"
Crow: And by the way, you're stuck here.
Joel: I don't like this new direction Pokemon's taken.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: God, I hope that's not an advertisement for Blair Witch 3.
>Usagi heard the alert bell. She looked up at Mamoru who let go of her
>hand.
Crow: <Usagi> Damn, recess is over. Back to the piratey 'fic.
>"Hide, I will try to defend you and the village!" He rushed towards
>his shop, leaving her alone.
Tom: <Mamoru> Oh, who am I kidding? I can't defend the village!
It's a cinematic trainwreck!
Crow: Didn't we already *have* the Mel Brooks attack? What other
threat could there possibly be?
Joel: Two dollars on the clean-cut Japanese boy!
>She looked around too see men starting to rush into their
>village. She gasped. "MINAKO!" She picked up her dress and
>started to run towards her cabin.
Tom: Gee, I can't imagine why a gang of pirates would invade a
nudist colony...
Joel: We've GOT to be in the middle of one of those National
Geographic specials now.
>Her heart was beating super fast. "Minako, please be safe!" She heard
>Minako scream. Her heart stopped. "MINAKO!"
>
>Usagi spotted a pipe and grabbed it. She rushed over to their cabin,
>which was completely in flames. "MINAKO!"
Crow: <Splinter> Hang on, Minako!
All: <starts humming the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles>
>She began to look all around her. She couldn't see any signs of her
>cousin.
>
>"What is a pretty girl-" a man said behind her.
Tom: About 20 pieces of eight in Vera Cruz.
Crow: Ah, finally, a boss fight... with Alex Trebek.
>She swung the pipe wildly into the guy's stomach. He bent over in
>pain when the pipe came into contact with his stomach and his long
>black hair covered his face.
Joel: Now quick, grab the power up and finish him off with your
blitz attack!
>Usagi began to run towards the woods. However, a white haired man
>came out, caring Minako over his shoulder. He grinned at Usagi.
Tom: So THAT's how Bob Barker recruits his beauties!
>Usagi gasped and fell on her bottom.
Joel: Wouldn't a facefault be more appropriate?
Crow: Nah, buttfault is funnier! Hee hee!
>"MINAKO! You-" She quickly got up and tried to hit him with the pipe
>she held. However, she couldn't budge it. She looked up to see the
>other pirate that she had nailed earlier holding the other end of the
>pipe.
Crow: Suddenly we're watching a Three Stooges sketch.
Tom: <Minako as Moe> Let me have it! *CLANG* Ow!
>"Hey captain, can I keep this feisty little Odango?" The black haired
>pirate asked the white haired pirate.
Joel: Pirate Vs. Pirate?
>"Sure, what ever. Now, lets get the goods!" Minako looked up and
>gasped as the other pirate grabbed Usagi by the waist and tossed her
>onto his shoulder.
Tom: <Usagi> Check me out, I'm the first lady of wrestling!
Crow: A button! A button! C'mon, I want the suplex!
>Usagi began to kick and punch him. He wobbled while she did this,
>however, he never let go of her.
Joel: No no, use your ceremonial salt! All Asians carry some, right?
Tom: She'd better Hulk up before he reaches the ship.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Crow: Sky rockets in flight... afternoon delight?
>Ami rushed to a wounded man. She tore a part of her dress and wrapped
>it around his arm, which had a bullet in it. She tightened the cloth
>on his arm, and he grunted in pain.
Tom: Another successful Dick Cheney quail hunt.
Crow: Sure it wasn't for snipe?
>Ami then started to get up as something hit her in the back of the
>head. She fell on top of the man.
Joel: Poor Ami. Well, the man's gonna get you every time.
>Suddenly, Ami felt herself get lifted from the ground. She tried to
>open her eyes, but couldn't.
Tom: She just KNOWS that schlock like this has to have at least one
Keanu Reeves bumbling about.
>"Lets get you some place safe." She heard a gentle man's voice say.
>
>She smiled softly and then, she passed out.
Joel: When a vampire bites, you get another vampire. When a werewolf
bites, you get another werewolf. When a pirate bites, you get... um...
Crow: Syphilis.
>~* ~ ~* ~ ~*~
Tom: Depth Charges! DIVE! DIVE!!!
>A/N: Whew, the first chapter of a long crazy story. I know that you
>all can guess whom the two pirates are that ran off with Usagi and
>Minako.
Joel: Herman Toothrot and Largo LaGrande?
Tom: At least give me a hint... were they from Pittsburgh, Oakland,
or Tampa Bay?
>How about Ami's hero?
Crow: Too much mayo, not enough salami.
>Hee Hee… this should be one interesting story! You know the drill,
>review!
Joel: No, we'll stick with the running commentary, thanks.
>Chapter 2; The Ship's prisoners
Crow: This almost makes me pine for the Ratliff-verse.
Tom: Almost.
>Minako groaned. She felt as if she was lying on a hard bed. She
>started to pick up her arm,
Joel: <Minako> I am Minako. A robot. I can put my arm back on. You
can't. So play safe!
>but suddenly was splashed by ice-cold salt water.
Crow: Then a splash of bitters, vodka, grenadine, and a Maraschino
cherry.
>"AGH!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, as she was jolted out of her slumber.
>
>"WAKE UP!" A man's voice yelled.
Tom: MAID SERVICE! COMPLIMENTARY TOWELS!
Crow: He'd best be careful, less she hit the snooze, if you get
my drift...
Joel: So, is this the One Piece crossover we've all been not waiting
for?
>Minako looked up to see the white haired pirate who had kidnapped
>her. "Why I otta…"
>
>He smiled down at her and tossed the bucket to the side. "You otta
>what?"
Tom: <Minako> We otta stop talking like cheap hoods from a
gangster flick.
>Minako started to get up but she felt something restraining her. She
>looked up to see that she was hand cuffed to the ship. "Oh just
>dandy…" She groaned.
Crow: <Minako> Unless I'm Jackie Chan, I'm pretty much screwed.
>"Don't worry, we're out to sea now, I will release you from those
>hand cuffs." She looked up at him in shock. Was he being nice?
Joel: <Pirate> ...and place this iron ball on a chain around your
ankle.
Crow: <Minako> D'oh!
>He leaned over her and un-cuffed her hand. "Well, now that you are my
>prisoner, you have some chores to do!" Minako glared at him.
Tom: <Minako> If any of the next fifteen words you say is
"poopdeck", I'm kicking you in the crotch.
>"Like the hell I will!" She yelled.
>
>The captain smiled at her, amused.
Crow: Legally Blond 3: At Wits End.
>"Rei will be giving you your chores."
>
>Minako stood up and kicked at him.
Joel: <Minako> Hi-Keeba!
Crow: <captain> Arr, I didn't say "poopdeck!"
>The captain turned his back on her and laughed. "You know, you better
>straiten up your act soon or you will walk the plank."
Tom: Then you'll really be in dire straights!
Joel: BINGO! I've got pillaging, boats, the free spot, clichéd
language.. and walking the plank!
>Minako glared at him. She felt powerless. There was nothing in that
>room that she could throw at him.
Crow: So she settled for a half-dozen curses.
Tom: Except herself... oh, wait, that's another cliché.
>"Common Odango, time to give you your assignment!"
>
>"MY NAME IS USAGI! U-SA-G I! NOT ODANGO!!!"
Joel: We just witnessed a drive-by shooting of the Japanese
language.
Crow: As always, should you or any of your senshi be caught or
killed, the author will disavow any knowledge of your powers.
>Minako perked up. Usagi! She rushed up the stairs to see her cousin
>yelling at the black haired pirate. "USAGI!"
Crow: <Usagi> See? SEE!? She knows my name!
Tom: <black haired pirate> At least you HAVE a name! We're all
just different colors of hair! HAIR!!! <sobbing>
>"MINAKO!" They ran to each other and hugged.
>
>"How sweet… a reuniting!" The black haired pirate cooed.
Joel: Yeah, wow, they've been separated what? Two whole hours?
>Usagi took off her shoe and threw it at him.
>
>It hit him square in the head.
>
>"HEY! Not nice!"
Tom: (laughs) Pirates by day, steel mill workers by night.
Crow: <Minako> Why didn't I think of that??
>Usagi spat out her tongue
Joel: <Minako> Holy crap! You're the Grudge! I mean, Ju-on!
I mean... AHHHHHHH!!!
>and started to run to the edge of the boat with Minako. They both
>gasped horrified, as they could not see land for miles.
Tom: Maybe they should just hang out on the Lido Deck with
Gopher then.
>They slumped their shoulders as the black haired pirate put his arms
>around both of them. "SIGH, isn't the ocean grand?"
Joel: Until it gets in your nose. Blecch.
Crow: Who says a pirate can't be a playa?
>Usagi punched his chin from underneath. "I hate it."
Tom: Too bad he didn't have any teeth left to shatter.
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Crow: <sarcastically> Yes, truly that ocean is the grandest of all.
(Joel lightly lands an uppercut to Crow's chin.)
Joel: I hate it.
Crow: Ow, hey!
>Ami opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times, allowing her eyes
>to focus.
Tom: Then she decided, "Can't let THAT happen," and screwed her
eyes shut.
Crow: <Ami> Ohh, what a nightmare... I dreamed I was attending this
chess tournament in Canada... CANADA! <sobbing>
>"Are you alright?"
>
>Ami gasped and sat strait up. She shook her head and looked at the
>guy.
Joel: <Mamoru> The last girl I kissed was abducted. Come to daddy!
>"Who are you… where am I… what-"
Tom: ...is your quest?
Crow: You're right, Lieutenant, she DOES have a lot of questions.
>"Shhh… I am Taiki. I um… escaped a ship of pirates and I saw you were
>hit by some pirate and I figured I would…"
Joel: <Taiki> ...put some clothes on you, you must be freezing.
>He walked over to her and knelt by her side. "How do you feel?"
Crow: <Ami> Like I was keelhauled.
Tom: <Taiki> Oh yeah, I knew I forgot to mention something!
>Ami studied the ground. "Where they after you?"
>
>Taiki lowered his eyes.
Tom: <Taiki> They where indeed.
Joel: <Ami> SIGH, isn't the ground grand?
>"I am the first captain's brother. When they realize I am missing,
>they will hunt me down."
Crow: <Taiki> I wonder if they've finished counting to 100 yet?
>Ami looked into his eyes. "Why did they attack us?"
>
>Taiki shrugged. "They were out of food."
Tom: <Ami> What the hell, there's a frigging Zehrs like a mile
up the road.
>Ami shook her head. "I'm going to see if my friends are ok." She
>stood up and saw that there were in a cabin that was on fire.
Crow: <Ami as Sean Connery> Our situation has not improved.
Joel: <Taiki> The pirates got cold, too.
>She quickly walked out the door and gasped in horror. The whole
>village was burnt down.
Tom: <Ami> CURSE YOU, PETER MOLYNEUX!!!
>She walked towards a man who was throwing things at a old store. She
>recognized him as the store's owner. Mamoru.
Joel: Mamoru's adventures with the microwave finally went too far.
Crow: <Mamoru> You couldn't protect them! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF
A CONVENIENCE STORE?!?
>She walked past him to where her friend's cabin was. It was burnt
>down along with everyone else's. She shook her head and walked
>around.
Tom: I love how Ami just flat out ignores Mamoru's drama.
Crow: All we need to complete the scene is Silent Bob.
>"MINAKO! USAGI!"
>
>One guy stopped and looked at her strangely. "Miss, those two girls
>were taken by the pirates."
Joel: Fires burning all around, and he's giving plot points!
What dedication!
Tom: He's got the list. Michiru was taken by aliens, Setsuna was
taken by elves, and Rei was taken by the loony bin and asked inside.
>Ami jerked her head around to look at him. "WHAT?!"
>
>"They are gone, never to be seen again." The guy then walked off.
Crow: The author's nephew, ladies and gentlemen, the author's
nephew.
Tom: He just realized that he was due to give plot points in
Voltaire's "Candide".
>Ami glared towards the man who walked out of the cabin she was in the
>night before. "Taiki!"
>
>He looked at her. "What?"
Joel: <Ami> Who was that man? I'd like to shake his hand!
>"I need to go to that ship and save my friends." She walked up to
>him. "Where is the ship going?"
>
>Taiki bit his lip. "North."
Tom: [singing] North, to Alaska / Go north, the rush is on.
Joel: <Ami> To Hokkaido, got it!
Crow: <Taiki> No no no no, we're the West Jap-Indies now...
>She grabbed his hand. "Take me there."
Crow: <Ami> Someday, somewhere, somehow. Or, you know, when you
get a minute.
Joel: <Ami> Only Santa Claus can save my friends now!
>He shook his head. "Don't worry, if you stay with me, they will find
>you."
Tom: <Taiki, seductive> I'm a bad penny, baby. I always turn heads.
>Ami studied him and then nodded. `Why is he so sure they will
>find him.'
>
>Taiki smiled, as if he read her mind. "I have their treasure map."
Joel: <Taiki> See, they're located due east of Grimace!
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: <Ami> LANDDDDDDDDD HOOOOOO!!!
Crow: <Taiki> Oh, behave!
>The white haired pirate threw everything in his room onto the floor.
>"TAIKI!!!!!"
Joel: He replaced his "Just For Men" with the "Drew Carey Memorial
Hair Bleaching System".
>Some of the pirates rushed into his carters. "Captain!"
Tom: The other pirates rushed into his roosevelts.
Crow: <Captain> You men have my ford.
>The pirate's eyes flashed with anger. "That Taiki did it again!" He
>kicked the table so that it would fall on the floor as well.
Joel: <author> See, he's really angry and stuff so that's why he
did that thing there right then.
>"He thinks that by stealing the treasure map we would stop hunting
>for the ancient treasure! Such a good doer!"
Tom: <captain> It belongs in a museum! My fanny!
>The pirates all looked at each other. "Captain?"
>
>The captain threw another item on the floor and stomped on it. "I AM
>GOING TO KILL HIM!!!"
Crow: <captain> ...right after I get a new parrot. Sorry, Polly.
Joel: Now was this a treasure map or would this show you where Jimmy
Kimmel and Bobcat Goldthwait lives?
>The pirates started to leave. "HOLD IT! Bring me my prisoner!"
>
>They smiled and rushed off. Moments later they dragged a kicking and
>screaming Minako back.
Crow: <Captain> Hey, this is cool! Take her away again! Naw, bring
her back! Whee!
Joel: <Minako, crying> I don't know where Chunk is, I swear!
>"You are to clean up this mess. I hate cleaning." He then walked out
>of the room.
>
>"Is there anything you don't hate?" A pirate asked.
>
>"SHUT UP!!"
Tom: <Pirate> Don't mind the Captain, he hates long good-byes.
>They then closed the door, leaving Minako to clean. She looked
>around. "As if!"
Joel: MTV's "Like, Totally! At Sea".
Tom: Japanese magical girls in colonial times speaking valley
girl slang while held hostage by bishonen pirates... I think my brain
just crapped itself.
>Suddenly the door opened and a pirate looked in. "Clean or you walk
>the plank!"
>
>Minako picked up a book and threw it at the pirate.
Crow: <Minako> Floor's done.
Joel: <pirate> "Treasure Island"? Oh, that's just plain mean!
>"So much like the captain." The pirate moaned just before he was
>whacked by another book.
Joel: Cap'n gets bitchy when he gets kidnapped too.
Tom: Just wait until she throws "Atlas Shrugged" at you, you won't
be able to plunder for a week.
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: Water... the source of all scene changes.
>The black haired pirate closed the kitchen door and dragged Usagi
>with him into the kitchen. "You are going to cook today!"
>
>Usagi grumbled.
Tom: So, put prisoners in charge of the food supply. How are these
pirates still alive?
Crow: They're bishounen, an ice cube is an indulgence.
Tom: So's my attention, and it's melting faster than said ice cube
in Egypt.
>"HEY! Makoto! Look who I have?" He yelled.
Joel: <Makoto> If it's Charlie Sheen, you can throw him back.
>A beautiful brown haired girl popped her head up from behind a
>mountain of potatoes. "Did you bring me an assistant, Seiya-san?"
Crow: <Seiya> I brought you dysentery, isn't that enough?
>Usagi looked up at him. "Seiya?"
>
>"That's me!" He then turned his attention to Makoto. "Can you make me
>those awesome hamburgers?"
Tom: We've gone from Crystal Tokyo to Long John Silver's to
White Castle.
Crow: Once again, we halt the plot of a Japanese story for a
food moment.
Joel: Food. Try some, won't you?
>Makoto laughed. "Yes!"
>
>"JA NE!" Seiya let go of Usagi and left.
Tom: <Seiya> And can I have a side order of Pocky with that?
Cause I'm Japanese.
>Usagi stuck her tongue out at him and turned to Makoto. "My cooking
>sucks."
Joel: <annoyed sigh> For those of you just joining us...
Crow: Sheep Sheep would be proud.
>Makoto looked at her and laughed. "Nice try. Come help me peal these
>potatoes."
Tom: Another day in the offshore sweatshops of McDonald's.
Joel: <Makoto, singing> Peelings... nothing more than peelings...
>~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Tom: <Samuel L. Jackson> I have had it with these motherBLEEPing
snakes in this motherBLEEPing fic!
>Minako sighed as she leaned against the wall. The room was all fixed
>and shinning, as if no one ever had a tantrum fit.
Joel: Groundskeeper Willie was cowering in the corner.
Crow: <Minako> No matter how many tantrums I throw, the room always
returns to normal! That makes me MAD!!!
>She got up and started to walk to the door. The moons light shined
>through the window.
Tom: Emilio Estevez's naked butt danced a southbound jig.
>She gazed out the window for a moment.
Crow: Oh lord, she's not gonna start singing a song from 'Les
Miserables', is she?
Tom: <Pirate> No no, there'll be no singing here!
>Then she saw the captain walk towards the room she was in. She
>panicked and took off a shoe, ready to throw it.
Crow: Joel, can I throw something at the pirates next?
Joel: It'd just mess up the theater screen.
Crow: And?
>The door opened and the shoe flew. WACK!
Tom: With a name like Minako, you wouldn't figure her for
American Maid.
>"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!" The White haired captain
>yelled as he picked up her shoe and stormed at her.
Joel: <Usagi> The shoephone's for you!
Crow: <captain> Agent 99?
>`Ok, it doesn't work on this guy… shoot…' Minako backed up into a
>corner.
Tom: Just call him 'Pirate of Space'.
Crow: <captain> Ha ha ha! How many times must I tell you!? Your
pumps are useless against me!
>She was ready for him to hit her. She braced herself for the hit.
Joel: This 'fic throws everything... shoes, tantrums...
Tom: Its hands up in the air?
>"Pathetic. You did a lousy job of cleaning."
>
>Minako opened her eyes and blinked. He insulted her cleaning skills?
Crow: <captain> I can't see myself in this mirror... WACK!
Joel: <Minako, darkly> How 'bout now?
>She looked at him. His back was to her. The moonlight made him look
>like an angel. He wore a loose white shirt with long sleeves. His
>hair was tied back. He wore tight black pants. If Minako didn't hate
>him… she would have melted. He was gorgeous.
Tom: With his white hair and white shirt, we're absolutely sure that
he wasn't just overexposed?
>He looked back at her. His green eyes sparkled. Minako shook it off.
>"I am a very good cleaner!" She told him.
Joel: <Minako> I'm steaming mad at dirt!
>He turned around to face her, and grinned. "You stink."
Crow: Think Mamoru's currently wearing the "I'm a Virgin" shirt?
>Minako blinked. "Why I otta!!!!!!" She grabbed her other shoe, ready
>to throw it.
Joel: <Minako> I just remembered I'm Japanese! I can't wear these
indoors!
>He rushed over to her and knocked the shoe out of her hand. "Throw
>one more thing at me, and I will do something to you far worse then
>walking the plank."
Tom: <Captain> Now, this is Robin Williams as Popeye. A-gagagagaga!
Crow: <Minako> That's still infinitely preferable to Dave Coulier.
Tom: <Captain> Well, you oughtta know...
>Minako looked away from him. Tears filled her eyes, but she would not
>let him have the gratitude of them falling.
Joel: Gratitude? What is she, Dr. Klahn now?
>She looked at him with a firm expression. "I'd rather die then to be
>here on this stinking boat with a stuck up little pathetic…"
>
>The captain's eyes danced with glee. "Oh? Die huh?"
Crow: Isn't this where the Muppets are all supposed to sing?
>He grabbed a hold of her filthy and torn dress. "WHEW! You reek!" He
>grabbed a clothespin and stuck it on his nose as he pulled the girl
>out of his cabin.
Tom: If a pirate is telling you that you reek, it's really time to
examine your life and hygiene.
>He quickly picked her up and tossed her over board.
>
>"YIIIIIIII!!!!" She screamed as she fell into the water.
Joel: Then he put in a squirt of Palmolive.
>He then grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at her. "Hope you can
>swim!"
Crow: *A* bar of soap, or *the only* bar of soap?
Tom: <Captain> Grab onto this to float! Yar har!
Joel: But if ye can't, no worries, that Coast will bring yer
back to life!
>The other pirates laughed as Minako glared at them. "OOOHHHH… If I
>was a witch I'd show them a thing or two…" She growled.
Tom: <Minako> Check out my broom and hat! Nice, huh?
Crow: Kiki's Delivery Service II: Miyazaki Retches.
>She suddenly realized that the ship was at a halt. She looked up to
>see the other pirates climbing and jumping off of the boat.
Joel: <pirate> CANNON BALL!!! *splash*
Tom: Turns out that this was just a Carnival theme cruise.
>She looked over her shoulder and saw an island right behind her. She
>quickly swam over to the island and climbed out of the water onto the
>shore.
Crow: Wow, that was a... daring escape.
>"NO NO NO!!!!!"
>
>Minako looked as the other pirate threw Usagi off of the boat. He
>then jumped off behind her. He grabbed the kicking and screaming
>girl and swam to shore.
Joel: Frankie Avalon is getting pushy in his attempt to restart
his career!
>Minako picked up a branch and looked at him. If he touched her or
>Usagi in any way...
Tom: ...she'll sick 'The Happening' on him?
>He smiled at Minako and tossed Usagi at her.
Joel: I think they missed a couple rules in their dodgeball
tournament.
>"You two better bathe or Captain Yaten will loose his temper again."
>He then was gone.
Crow: <Minako> We'll bathe in our imaginary water and use your
condescension as sweet lavender soap.
Joel: Hey, let's use Pert Plus! It's imaginary plus condescension
in one!
>The girls looked at each other in shock. They were alone?
Bots: Kiss her! Kiss her!
>"I am here to make sure that you two don't run off."
>
>The two girls jumped when they heard the icy female voice.
Crow: Might as well.
Tom: Lei Fang's a bit bitchy, Kasumi couldn't dig the last spike
and they lost by a set.
> "I am Rei, Seiya's younger sister. You are my responsibility now."
>She flung her long raven hair over her shoulder and looked at them
>with her violet eyes. "I am strong enough to take both of you on."
Joel: It'll be just like 'Suite Life On Deck'!
Tom: If you see any Daryl Hannahs in the ocean, just ram 'em with
the boat. They sink quickly afterward.
>Makoto swam over to the girls. "Hi ladies! It's so nice to see more
>girls!"
>
>Minako and Usagi looked at the brown haired girl and smiled.
Tom: Donny Osmond is on this cruise too, isn't he?
Joel: Oh, I get it! It's Secret Agent Super Dragon II.
Crow: <P.A. system> Entertainment Night will be at 7:30 on the Lita
Deck. We will be showing "Splash" on Makoto's Back, tickets are $1.50
for everyone but Donny Osmond.
>"We better move to another location so the captain doesn't watch us."
>Makoto said. She pointed to the ship where Yaten was throwing stuff
>overboard and yelling.
Joel: No, Yaten, that goes with the... plot, dammit... Anyone else
got a prop or three, or a spare backdrop?
Tom: I hear Tommy Wiseau's got the hookup for a green screen.
>"Um, why is he so mad?" Usagi asked.
Joel: Because at those prices he's practically giving them away?
Tom: Hey, if your favorite franchise got rebooted, you'd be
plenty pissed too.
Crow: Covering a lot of ground with that one, Servo?
Tom: Take your pick.
>"Typical, my older brother stole the map. He feels that we should
>leave the history be and find newer treasures." Rei said.
Crow: <Rei> Nic Cage is really chapping his ass, Nic always seems
to get there first.
>Minako giggled. "So, um, he is a unique pirate?"
>
>Rei rolled her eyes. "I think Captain Yaten will make him walk the
>plank this time."
Tom: Since the keelhauling was obviously a failure.
>Usagi frowned. "When will the captain let Minako and me go?"
>
>Makoto laughed. "Never!
All: <singing> Bismillah!
>They kidnapped me five years ago. Look at me now. Their chief."
Joel: <Makoto> I'm having a little trouble kicking the peace pipe.
>Minako shook her head. "Usagi and I both can't cook."
Tom: <Minako> I've never sheeped in my life!
Crow: Well, they have something in common with Martha Stewart.
>Rei looked at them. "I am their only female pirate. I sit in the tree
>and shoot fire arrows at all of the cabins." She smiled.
Crow: I bet Rei's a real kick during summer camp.
Tom: Soooo, the huge muscular guy with the torch setting fire
to Minako's cabin in Chapter One just... never happened, huh?
Joel: Retcon... in about an hour!
>"I have done sword fighting as well. And I have killed many people."
Joel: <Rei> See? My T-shirt clearly says I beat the Sword Master
of Mêlée Island!
Crow: <Rei> I'm so powerful, I killed narrative integrity!
>Usagi grabbed onto Minako and they both looked at Rei in terror.
Joel: Now? Okay. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Crow: <announcer> 'The Sailor Moon Holiday Special' will be back
right after these messages!
Tom: Good timing too, we gotta go, guys...
(Joel picks up Tom and stands up along with Crow.)
>"Stop scaring them, Rei. Lets bathe before the Captain starts looking
>for us."
Tom: Sayyyy, finally a scene I can get into!
Crow: I smell a grail-shaped beacon nearby.
Joel: Somehow I doubt the Captain will be swayed by the oral sex.
Tom: Wait, lets just see how this plays out... Joel? Joel??
(Joel follows Crow out of the theater, carrying a still
protesting Tom)
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
A spotlight illuminated Tom Servo, dressed in a pirate costume
complete with a small do-rag and an eyepatch taped to his head.
A guitar was taped to his body as he hovered over to the nearest
microphone in front of him.
"Hey folks, Joel and I were just thinking that since we're
riffing on a pirate fanfic that now would be the perfect time for a
plot shanty. But since we already did that with 'Mighty Jack', we
settled for doing a parody of a UK boy band song. Enjoy!"
The room suddenly lit up to reveal Joel, clad in a puffy shirt
and black pants, standing next to Tom. In the back, Gypsy was clad
in a mod wig with polka-dot scarf and had a bass guitar strapped to
her chest. On the drums was Crow, dressed like Vyse from 'Skies of
Arcadia'. Also present were Minako, Ami and Usagi from 'Sailor
Moon', dressed as sexy British mod girls.
Joel and Tom stepped back to join the rest of the band as the
senshi walked up to their respective microphones.
<Sung to the tune of 'Five Colours In Her Hair' by McFly>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h76uVRSJ5bc
All: Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Minako: He's got a tem-per and no colour in his hair,
Not into clean-ing, but I love the clothes he wears,
I'd die if, I could, see him, in his un-der-wear.
I don't care.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pi-rates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down our vill-age and he
came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame
Minako: Everyone asked me
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no colour in his hair.
He's just a hottie with a snotty attitude,
I threw my shoe at him, he puts me in the mood.
Ami: The rumors spreading round that I read in the nude.
But I don't care.
Usagi: She don't care.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stupid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down our vill-age and that's
lame-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame
Minako: Everyone asks me,
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no color in his hair.
He was all I thought about,
The boy I couldn't live without.
He... made... me... go... insane,
My heart, he set, aflame
[Tom: Her village too.]
[Gypsy: Shh!]
Minako: His eyes, they were, to blame
He'd had enough
And told me that I STINK! And now...
[Everyone on stage simultaneously makes the OK sign with their hands.]
Minako: He's just a hair-ball with no name.
Usagi & Ami: Do these stu-pid pirates have a name-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame?
They burned down my vill-age and he came-i-ame-i-ame-i-ame.
Minako: Everyone asks me,
Who the hell is he?
That pirate with no color in his hair.
4, 3, 2, 1!
All: Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Do do do do do doo
Duuuuude...
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE ADVENTURES OF
CAPTAIN YATEN' PT. 2...
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other
multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing
and skits. ;p