Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ The Tale of Sir Launcelot ( Chapter 10 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Launcelot


{The narrator calmly walks into the room and stands before a table where the author is busy typing away at his laptop.
Without a word, she kneels down onto one knee, bows her head, and waits.}

Jason:
[Without looking up from his laptop] Say the line, please.

Narrator:
[Without moving her head] Yes, sir. [Clears her throat] The Tale of Sir Launcelot.

Jason:
[Nods] Thank you. [Continues typing]

{The narrator continues to wait for over fifteen minutes without moving before her impatience starts to get to her.}

Narrator:
[Lifts her head to look at him] Um, can I go now?

Jason:
[Stops typing and turns to look at her] I'm still upset at you for what you and Chibiusa did last chapter, you know.

Narrator:
[Winces] ....

Jason:
[Leans back in his chair] I was almost finished and would've dismissed you in a couple of minutes before you
interrupted me.

Narrator:
[Winces harder] ....

Jason:
[Grins wickedly] But, I can tell you're in a hurry, so I'll tell you what. I'll be more than happy to let you be
on your way.

Narrator:
[Looks relieved] Really?

{As the author nods, a long red rope suddenly drops from the ceiling to hang a short distance to the author's right. The
narrator's eyes widen tremendously as soon as she sees the rope.}

Jason:
[Smirks as he reaches for the rope] I take it you recognize this rope.

Narrator:
[Nods timidly] ....

Jason:
Then, you know what's going to happen next?

Narrator:
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!

Jason:
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]

Narrator:
[Cringes] NO!!! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

{The author smirks as the narrator is catapulted out of the room through the window and sent flying into the distance. He
continues to watch until the body flies out of sight with a bright twinkling light, animé-style.}

Jason:
Surprise! [Waves] Have a nice flight! [Turns back to his laptop and continues typing] I didn't have time to dig a
pit, anyway....


-------------------------------------------------< br>

{In a swamp in the southwestern area of England, a rather pallid-looking young man stood at the window to his room and
stared outside wistfully. Behind him, an older man - his father - walked up to stand beside him. He was about to open his
mouth and speak when a strage sound caught their attention. The two turned their gazes out the window in time to see what
looked like a young woman hurtling at high speeds past their castle.}

Narrator:
[Flying past the castle] ...aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Son:
[Blinking] Father, what was that?

Father:
[Blinks as well, but shakes his head] It doesn't matter. Anyway, lad.... [Gestures toward the window dramatically]
One day, all this will be yours!

Son:
[Glancing around the window] What, the curtains?

Father:
[Idly smacking him upside the head] No, not the curtains, lad. [Gestures again] All that you can see, streched
out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

Son:
[Protesting weakly] But Mother-

Father:
Father, lad. Father.

Son:
B-but Father, I don't want any of that.

Father:
[Walking around the room while gesticulating gradiously] Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I
started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the
same, just to show 'em. [Pause] It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. [Pause] That sank into the swamp. So, I
built a third one. [Pause] That was sacked by a pack of rabid bunnies, burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp,
but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

Son:
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather....

Father:
[Irritably] Rather what?

Son:
I'd rather... [Music starts playing while the scene focuses solely on him] just... [Extends his arm out into the air
and poses as if preparing to sing in an opera or something] sing!

Father:
[Runs on scene, waving his arms] Stop that! Stop that! [Glares at his son while the music winds down and stops]
You're not going into a song while I'm here. [Grabs his son and turns him around to look at him] Now listen, lad. In twenty
minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

Son:
But I don't want land.

Father:
[Grabs his son by the arms] Listen, Alice-

Alice:
Herbert.

Father:
Herbert. [Points outside] We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get!

Herbert:
But.... But I don't like her.

Father:
[Smacks his son on the shoulder] Don't like her?!? [Smacks his other shoulder] What's wrong with her?!? [Starts
walking away] She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge....

{He starts waving both of his hands up and down, palms up, at around chest level until he looks down and realizes what he's
doing, then drops his hands to his sides.}

Father:
...tracts of land!

Herbert:
I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... [Music starts playing again] a certain... special... something!

Father:
[Runs on camera, waving his arms again] Cut that out! Cut that out! [Music dies again]

Jason:
[Off screen] On again, off again, on again, off again! Look, make up your minds already! The musicians are getting
peeved. We're either playing or not, all right? [Grumbles under his breath] For all the times for the regular music
conductor to fall ill.... We told him not to, but would he listen? No. Tomato paste, glue paste, all the same, he says....

Father:
[Nods irritably] All right, all right! I got it, okay? I already said there'll be no song while I'm here. [Turns
around and grabs his son again] Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [Slaps son
across the face then looks over his shoulder toward the door] Guards!

{The father releases his son and turns toward the two guards as they enter the room with lances.}

Father:
[Points over his shoulder at his son as he heads for the door] Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I
come and get him.

Guard 1:
[Nods] Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Stops] No, no. Until I come and get him.

Guard 1:
[Nods] Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Father:
No, no. [Waves his hands] No. [Points down to the floor] You stay in the room and make sure he... [Points to
Herbert] doesn't leave.

Guard 1:
[Nods at Herbert] And you'll come and get him.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Nods] Right. [Turns and opens the door to leave]

Guard 1:
[Nods] We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

Father:
[Steps back into the room] No, no. Leaving the room.

Guard 1:
Leaving the room. Yes.

Father:
All right?

Guard 1:
[Nods] Right.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
Right. [Starts to leave again]

Guard 1:
Oh, if... [Struggles to remember] if... if, uh... if... if... ehh... if... if we....

Father:
[Tiredly] Yes? [Comes back in] What is it?

Guard 1:
Oh, if... [Still trying to remember] if... oh....

Father:
[Turns to the second guard] Look, it's quite simple.

Guard 1:
[Still racking his brain] Uh....

Father:
You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Takes the hiccup as an affirmative] Right. [Turns to leave]

Guard 1:
Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

Father:
[Blinks] No, no. [Turns to the first guard] No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-

Guard 1:
[Nods and gestures toward Herbert] Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were
with him-

Father:
[Getting impaitent] No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-

Guard 1:
Until you or anyone else-

Father:
[Holds up a hand] No, not anyone else. [Points to himself] Just me.

Guard 1:
Just you.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Glances askance at the hiccuping guard] Get back.

Guard 1:
[Nods] Get back.

Father:
All right?

Guard 1:
Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Starts to leave, but pauses] And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard 1:
[Glances back at the father blankly] What?

Father:
[Steps back into the room] Make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard 1:
[Blinks] The Prince?

Father:
Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave.

Guard 1:
[Nods in realization] Oh, yes, of course.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Guard 1:
Ah. I thought you meant him. [Points to the hiccuping guard] You know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard him
when he's a guard.

Father:
[Shakes his head in vexation] Is that clear?

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Guard 1:
[Nods] Oh, quite clear. No problems.

Father:
Right. [Starts to leave, but stops when he notices that the guards are following him] Where are you going?

Guard 1:
We're coming with you.

Father:
No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure he... [Points to Herbert] doesn't leave.

Guard 1:
Oh, I see. Right.

{The two guards resume their posts.}

Herbert:
But, Father!

Father:
[Angrily] Shut your noise, you! [Points to a suit lying on a chair] And get that suit on!

{As the father leaves, Herbert dejectedly sits down on a chair near the window while music starts to play. He turns his
head toward the window, opens his mouth and....}

Father:
[Enters the room again and points at Herbert] And no singing! [Music quickly dies down as the father glares at
the author/stand-in music conductor off screen]

Jason:
[Off screen] Sorry. Couldn't help it.

Guard 2:
[Hiccups] ....

Father:
[Glances at the hiccuping guard] Oh, go get a glass of water.

{After the door clanked closed behind the father, Herbert started to glance around, trying to think of a way out. When his
eyes rested on the writing table, he stood up and moved toward the table while trying to act inconspicuous. He grabbed a
quill and smiled at the guards. They smiled back. He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it while watching the guards.
When he finished writing, he slid the paper of the table and rolled it up in his hands, still watching the guards. Then,
he reached out and plucked a red ribbon from off the table while continuing to keep an eye on the guards. He shuffled
backwards toward the quiver of arrows hanging on the wall and quickly drew an arrow while watching the guards and smiling.
They smiled back. He then grabbed the bow off the wall and fitted the arrow to it while watching the guards and smiling.
They smiled back. He quickly turned toward the window, drew back the bow, fired the arrow without aiming, and turned back,
watching the guards for their reactions. They merely smiled back. After all, all they had to do was keep him from leaving
the room.}


-------------------------------------------------


{A good distance away, Sir Launcelot hopped along with his servant, Concorde, banging away on an empty pair of coconut
halves. Jupiter and Venus followed behind him, boredly complaining to each other.}

Sailor Venus:
So, where do you think he disappeared to, Mako-chan?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Folding her arms] Well, we know he didn't go to the bathroom like he told us. He took way too long in getting back
here and he was grinning smugly when he did return.

Sailor Venus:
Um... he always grins smugly, Mako-chan.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Eh? Oh.... Never mind, then.

{Sir Launcelot hopped over a small, shallow channel in the ground, while Concorde made the appropriate clopping sounds with
his coconut shells.}

Launcelot:
Well taken, Concorde!

Concorde:
[Banging coconut shells] Thank you, sir! Most kind!

Launcelot:
[Approaching another gap in the ground] And again! Over we go! [Jumps] Good. Steady! [Pauses while Concorde catches
up to him]

{As the two Sailor Senshi continued to follow Launcelot, a strange noise began to approach the group from overhead. As one,
the four all looked up to see a young woman hurtling down toward them.}

Narrator:
...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Sai lor Jupiter:
[Blinking] Minako-chan, isn't that the narrator up there?

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] I think so. Looks like she's about to crash land into the river.

Narrator:
[Still falling] ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

Sailor Venus:
[Raises a scorecard that says '4.95'] Eh.

Launcelot:
[Raises a scorecard that says '3.50'] Poor form.

Concorde:
[Raises a scorecard that says '1.00'] I've seen rocks more graceful.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Raises a scorecard that shows a picture of a smiley-face blowing a raspberry] You suck.

Narrator:
[Stands up in the river, extremely dazed] I'm... all right.... Really.... [Spots the scorecards] Boy... tough crowd.
[Falls back down, unconscious]

Sailor Jupiter:
[To Venus] Do you suppose he went to go rescue someone without telling us?

Sailor Venus:
[Considers] It'd be just like him. The guy's so reckless.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Yeah. [Sighs] That reminds me of my long-lost senpai....

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] Mako-chan! I know that almost every guy we come across reminds you of your senpai, but-

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks in surprise] Who said that he reminded me of my senpai? I said that his recklessness reminded me of my
senpai. He doesn't look anything like my senpai.

Sailor Venus:
I see....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Considering] Well, except for the fact that he's kinda tall, like my senpai.

Sailor Venus:
[Facefaults] ....

{While Venus was recovering from her facefault, Launcelot hopped his way over to the river and prepared to hop to a small,
flat rock that was sticking out of the stream.}

Launcelot:
And now, the big one! [Hops and lands on the rock, then waves at Concorde] Come on, Concorde!

{The sound of an arrow whizzing through the air and thunking into something catches Launcelot's attention. He turns around
to see an arrow sticking out of Concorde's chest.}

Concorde:
Message for you, sir. [Falls over]

Launcelot:
[As he, Jupiter and Venus rush to his side] Concorde! [Shakes him] Concorde! Speak to me!

Sailor Venus:
[Eyes widen] Oh my God! They killed Concorde!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shakes a fist into the air] You bastards!

Sailor Venus:
[Points] Hey... there's a note on this arrow!

{Launcelot glances around, looking for whoever shot the arrow. Finding no one, he turns back to Concorde and unties the
ribbon holding the note to the arrow. He then tosses aside the ribbon and unrolls the note.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Moves around to look over Launcelot's shoulder] What's it say?

Launcelot:
I'm not sure. You're blocking my light.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Backs up a bit] Oops. Sorry.

Launcelot:
[Reading the note] 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' [Excited] At last! A call! A
cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Rolls her eyes and folds her arms] Oh, sure it is. I bet you just want to go just so you can save someone, even if
it doesn't have anything to do with the Holy Grail.

Sailor Venus:
[Nods, then sighs] Then again, as 'soldiers of love and justice', it's also our job to save this person. [Grimaces]
Even if it means we have to be stuck here for longer than necessary.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods reluctantly] True. Very true. How unfortunate.

Launcelot:
[Ignores the Senshi as he claps Concorde on the shoulder] Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
[Reaches for his sword, preparing to draw it]

{The moment Launcelot clapped Concorde on the shoulder, Concorde woke up with a start and blinked in bewilderment.}

Concorde:
[Glancing up at Launcelot] Uh, I'm... I'm not quite dead, sir.

Sailor Venus:
He's alive! Alive! [Mad cackling]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Holds her head wearily while shaking it] Minako-chan... not now.

Sailor Venus:
[Pouts] Aw, you're no fun.

Launcelot:
[Hesitates with his hand on the hilt of his sword] Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! [Draws
his sword]

Concorde:
[Glances down at himself] I... I think I... could pull through, sir.

Launcelot:
[Faulters noticeably] Oh, I see.

Concorde:
[Starts to get up] Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir.

Sailor Venus:
[Eyes wide] With an arrow in your chest?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Impressed] This guy's tougher than I thought.

Launcelot:
[Pushing him back down] No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here!

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Exchanging glances] Sweet Concorde?

Concorde:
[Looking both confused and embarrassed] ....

Launcelot:
I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular....

{Launcelot faultered and sighed as he grounded the tip of his sword, trying to remember whatever word he was trying to say.}

Sailor Venus:
[Helpfully] Madness?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Helpfully] Negligence?

Sailor Venus:
[Helpfully] Ineptitude?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Helpfully] Idiocy?

Concorde:
[Helpfully] Idiom, sir?

Launcelot:
...idiom! [Raises his sword again]

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Shrugs] Close enough.

Concorde:
[Starts to get up again] No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

Launcelot:
Farewell, sweet Concorde! [Runs off]

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Blinking] ....

Concorde:
[Calling after him] I'll, um... I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? [Glances over at the Senshi]

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Shrug, then run off after Launcelot] Sorry! We'll come back for you later! We promise!

Concorde:
[Flatly] Yeah. [Sighs and starts drumming his fingers on the ground patiently]


-------------------------------------------------< br>

{Inside Swamp Castle, Princess Lucky was sitting in the main hall getting her hair braided by her handmaidens. She was
dressed in her wedding gown and was giggling happily with her handmaidens. A priest walked past the maidens and through
the kitchen area, where a large pig was being roasted on a spit. Outside, in the courtyard, several young girls danced in
a ring while castle musicians played cheerful, celebratory music. A couple of tables were already set with food laid out
in preparation for the feast after the wedding. At the gate of the castle, a small group of guests were arriving.}

Guest:
[While nodding to the two gate sentries] Morning.

Sentry 1:
[Nodding] Morning.

Sentry 2:
Morning.

{The first sentry took a bite of an orange he had grabbed before standing his post and started eating, pausing to spit out
a piece of rind he had failed to tear off before biting. It was a pretty boring watch, really. The only thing that was out
of the ordinary was the knight that was currently running toward the castle. That, and the two strangly dressed
foreign-looking girls who were running along behind him.}

Sentry 1:
[Still eating] ....

Sentry 2:
[Watching the approaching group] ....

{Hmm, the trio seemed to be running this way. However, for some reason, now the three were running side-by-side. The two
girls seemed very surprised, since the knight was previously running ahead of them.}

Sentry 2:
[Still watching the approaching group] ....

Sentry 1:
[Still eating] ....

{Yes, this was just another boring watch. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for a pair of strangly dressed
foreign-looking girls who were running toward the castle. That, and a knight that seemed to be running along behind the
girls. However, once the two girls realized that the knight was now running behind them, they slowed down and came to a
halt, blinking in confusion.}

Sailor Venus:
Doesn't this seem strange to you, Mako-chan?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] Compared to the other things we've been though?

Sailor Venus:
[Nods as Launcelot runs past them] Good point.

Sailor Jupiter:
Shall we continue?

Sailor Venus:
Do we have to?

Sentry 1:
[Yes, still eating] ....

Sentry 2:
[Yes, still watching the approaching group] ....

{Well, now. The two strangly dressed foreign-looking girls seemed to have stopped for some reason, while a knight
approached them in the distance.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Waving as Launcelot runs past] Hey! Good to see you again!

Sailor Venus:
[Also waving] See you again soon!

Sentry 2:
[Same old, same old] ....

Sentry 1:
[Same here] ....

{Once again, the two strangly dressed foreign-looking girls were staying put for some reason, while a knight continued to
approach them in the distance.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Wow! I didn't even see him move! It was like... first he's there, and now he's there!

Sailor Venus:
[Nods as Launcelot runs past again] Yeah, I know! [Considers Launcelot as he runs off] Won't he get tired, running
so much?

Sentry 1:
[Yadda, yadda] ....

Launcelot:
[Suddenly running on screen] Ha ha! [Stabs the sentry] Hiyya! [Chops the sentry on the back of the neck, then runs
him though the side, then runs off]

Jason:
[Off screen] All right! Cue the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music®! [Dramatic music begins to play]

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Staring in complete shock] How the hell did he get over there so fast?!?!? [Exchanging blank looks] After him!!!
[Runs toward the castle]

Sentry 2:
[Watching the first sentry keel over] Hey!

{Launcelot quickly ran up through the entry tunnel and started stabbing, slashing, running through, and chopping everything
and anything that moved.}

Launcelot:
[Stab a guest] Ha! [Run a servant through] Hiyya! [Slash a dancing girl] Ha ha! [Chop the wooden support on the
musician's platform] Take this! [Stab another guest] Hiyya! [Run another guard through] Huya!

{Mad cackling ensued as Launcelot continued to hack and slash, racking up an impressive body count... for the Dark Ages,
that is.}

Jason:
[Counting off screen as the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® continued to play] Servant: 100 points. Wedding guest:
150 points. Another servant: 100 points. Guard: 300 points. Another servant: 100- no, 200 points; he got two of 'em. Ooh,
three wedding guests: 450 points! [Shouts] Hey, Launcelot! 5000 more points and you get a level-up!

Launcelot:
[While running up the stairs] Oh, well, that's very kind of you. [Stabs two more servants]

{Suddenly, Launcelot bursts into the main hall where Princess Lucky was sitting, preparing for the wedding.}

Launcelot:
Ha ha! [Kicks a couple of servants]

Jason:
[Off screen] Hey! No experience points for kicking, Launcelot!

Launcelot:
[Pauses for a moment] Oh, bother. Well, can I maim them, anyway?

Jason:
[Considers off screen] No, you have to move on.

Launcelot:
[Droops] Oh. [Shrugs] Well, all right. [Chops an elderly servant] Ha ha!

Jason:
[Grins off screen at the mayhem] Ahahaha! Mayhem! Mayhem!!! [Cackles wickedly]

{Launcelot runs toward the stairs leading toward the Tall Tower, pausing only to chop a bouquet of flowers in half.}

Jason:
[Considering off screen] Hmm.... Bouquet: 10 points.

Launcelot:
[Grins] Well, thank you, sir.

Jason:
[Off screen] Continue.

{Launcelot runs up the spiral staircase leading up to the top of the Tall Tower. Once he bursts into the room, the first
guard points toward him and tries to remember his orders while Launcelot runs the other guard through, permanently curing
him of his hiccups.}

Guard 1:
[Pointing while thinking] Now, you're not allowed to enter the room- [Gets stabbed] Aaugh! [Dies]

Jason:
[Off screen] Okay boys, take five! [Dramatic music ends]

{Launcelot then leaps before Herbert and kneels while bowing his head to the floor, sword in front of him.}

Launcelot:
[Confidently] O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take y- [Looks up at
Herbert and stands up after taking a good look at him] Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

{Herbert stared bewilderly at Launcelot until he remembered the second note tied to an arrow he was holding in his hand.
He came to the obvious conclusion.}

Herbert:
[Smiling happily] You got my note!

Launcelot:
[Hesitantly] Uh, well, I... got, uh, a note.

Herbert:
[Taking Launcelot's arm eagerly] You've come to rescue me!

Launcelot:
[Backing away and looking away uneasily] Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't-

Herbert:
[Ignoring Launcelot's protests] I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there.... [Music begins to play
again]

Launcelot:
[Getting nervous] Well, I-

Herbert:
[Going into full-musical mode] ...there must be... [Flourishes his arm] someone....

Father:
[Running on screen just in time] Stop that! Stop that! [Music dies off yet again] Stop it! Stop it!

{The two Sailor Senshi run into the room just as the music completely dies off.}

Sailor Venus:
[Pouts] Awww! I thought there was going to be a musical number in here! There goes my grand entrance.

Sailor Jupiter:
Don't tell me you're still trying to become an idol singer?

Sailor Venus:
[Shrugs] Well, these people have never had an idol singer before.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Dryly] They've never HEARD of idol singers before.

Sailor Venus:
[Grins broadly] All the more reason for me to be the first! [Noticing everyone staring at her] Oh! Um... sorry. We
didn't mean to interrupt.

Father:
[Turns to Launcelot] Who are you?

Herbert:
[Hurt tone] I'm your son!

Father:
No, not you.

Launcelot:
Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.

Herbert:
[Pointing] He's come to rescue me, Father.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Exchanging pointed glances with Venus] Oh.... I didn't know he was like that. Did you?

Sailor Venus:
[Shaking her head] Me, neither! [Pauses] Hey, there's a couple at my school who're like that, too!

Launcelot:
[Flinches] Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

Father:
[Pointing irritably] Did you kill all those guards?

Launcelot:
Uh.... [Dithering] Oh, yes. Sorry.

Sailor Venus:
[Eyes widen] You mean, YOU did all that?!? I thought the castle had fallen under attack!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Whistles] Now, I'm really impressed!

Launcelot:
[Preens] Well, it was nothing, really....

Father:
Nothing?!? They cost fifty pounds each!

Launcelot:
[Deflates] Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

Herbert:
[Pushes Launcelot toward his father] Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. [Reaches down underneath his writing
table] I've got a rope all ready.

{Herbert proceeds to tie the makeshift rope to his bedpost.}

Father:
You killed eight wedding guests in all!

Jason:
[Off screen] For a total of 1200 points. 4710 points for the entire massacre.

Sailor Venus:
[Snaps her fingers] Damn! And I almost had enough experience points to reach the next level, too.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Punches one hand into the other] All right, time for the stage boss! [Finally notices the author] Hey, what are you
doing here, anyway? What happened to your signs?

Jason:
[Off screen] I'm filling in for the regular music conductor. Glue paste overdose.

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Father:
[Glares at the Senshi] Do you think this is a game?!?

{The author and two Sailor Senshi merely shrug, the author doing so off screen.}

Launcelot:
[Apologetically] I'm really sorry about all this. Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

Sailor Venus:
[Singing] Yeah! Dude looks like a la-dy!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Sweatdrops and grimaces] I don't know her.

Father:
[Nods understandingly and reluctantly] I can understand that.

Jason:
[Off screen] About who? Minako or Herbert?

Sailor Venus:
[Glaring at author] ....

Herbert:
[While tossing the rope out the window and preparing to climb out] Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Smirking] Yeah, you don't wanna keep your 'fair maiden' waiting! [Laughs]

Father:
[To Herbert before Launcelot could say anything to Jupiter] Shut up! [Back to Launcelot] You only killed the bride's
father, that's all!

Launcelot:
[Sheepishly] Well, I really didn't mean to....

Father:
[Incredulous] Didn't mean to?!? You put your sword right through his head!

Launcelot:
[Concernedly] Oh, dear. Is he all right?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Sarcastically] Oh, sure. Lots of people go around getting swords shoved through their heads all the time. They get
a real kick out of it. It even clears up their sinuses.

Launcelot:
[Testily] You know, you're really not helping any....

Father:
You even kicked the bride in the chest! [Worrying] This is going to cost me a fortune!

Launcelot:
Well, I can explain.

Sailor Venus:
[Putting her hands on her hips] I can't wait to hear this one.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Folding her arms] This had better be a better excuse than needing to be excused because you forgot to go to the
bathroom before we left the castle, that's all I'm saying.

Launcelot:
[Ignoring the Senshi] I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-

Father:
[Blinking at the mention of the castle] Camelot? [Sounding interested] Are you from, uh, Camelot?

Herbert:
[While dangling from a rope out of the window] Hurry, Sir Launcelot!

Launcelot:
[While everyone ignores Herbert] Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.

Sailor Jupiter:
He asked if you were from Camelot, not whose knight you are.

Sailor Venus:
[To Jupiter] I think those questions mean the same thing in this time period.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Oh.

Father:
[Growing more interested] Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Blinks] Pig country?

Launcelot:
[Blinks] Is it?

Sailor Venus:
[To Launcelot] We thought you'd know!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Yeah! You're the one from Camelot. It's not like we're even from around here, or anything.

Father:
Ah. Foreigners. I was beginning to wonder about the outfits. I figured you two were either foreigners or jesters.

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Glares] What?!?

Herbert:
[Still dangling] Hurry! I'm ready!

Father:
[Waves a hand dismissively] Foreigners, jesters, never mind about that. [Gregariously] Would you three, uh, like to
come and have a drink?

Launcelot:
[Pleasantly surprised] Well, that... that's, uh, awfully nice of you....

Sailor Venus:
Um, we're kind of undera-

Sailor Jupiter:
[Covers Venus' mouth with her hand] Sure. Thank you very much. [Whispers] We don't wanna insult the guy. Besides....
[Grins mischeviously] I'm kinda interested in seeing how these medieval brews taste. [Thoughtfully] I wonder if they're
anything like sake....

Herbert:
[Still hanging around] I am ready!

{As Launcelot and the Senshi are herded out of the room, the father walks over to the rope that Herbert had tied to his
bed, draws his knife and cuts through the rope in one swipe.}

Launcelot:
[While being herded out] ...um, I mean, to be so understanding. Um....

Herbert:
[While plummeting] Oooh!

Launcelot:
I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Raising an eyebrow] Sort of carried away?!? You call eight wedding guests, five guards, twenty servants and one
flower bouquet being SORT OF carried away?!?

Sailor Venus:
[Nods vehemently] Yeah! Besides, what did that flower bouquet ever do to you?

Everyone else:
[Blinking] ....

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] ...ehehehe.... [Recovers] I mean, you call 34 dead people SORT OF carried away?!?

Father:
[Waves it off] Oh, don't worry about that.

Sailor Venus:
[Shrugs] Well, whatever you say.

Herbert:
[Falling into the swamp] Oooh! [Splat]

{The father led Launcelot and the two Sailor Senshi down from the Tall Tower and into the main hall, where the survivors of
Launcelot's attack were gathered, mourning and weeping over the recently slain.}

Father:
[Gesturing around the hall] Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into
one big, uh, living room.

{Upon noticing Launcelot, one guest looked up from the dead body in his arms and pointed accusingly at him.}

Guest #1:
[Angrily] There he is!

Father:
[Mutters while the rest of the guests charge Launcelot] Oh, bloody hell.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Folding her arms and leaning against the wall] Well, you started this. You take care of it.

Sailor Venus:
[Leaning against the wall as well] Yeah. We're staying out of this. [To the author, off screen] Music, maestro!

Jason:
[Off screen] Dramatic Fight Sequence Music®, coming up!

{As the guests charge Launcelot, he suddenly breaks into his... um, idiom and starts hacking and slashing again while
Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® begins to play in the background. As the knight once again begins the slaughter with wild
abandon, the father runs down the stairs, hoping to stop him before he ends up killing everyone. The two Sailor Senshi
watch impassively with bored looks on their faces.}

Sailor Jupiter:
Hey, we've fought youma, daimons, cardians, lemures, etc. We've even died and come back to life. [Points toward the
carnage] This... is mild compared to what we've been through.

Sailor Venus:
Still, we'd like to get this done soon, if you don't mind. This is taking WAY too long as it is.

Father:
[Rushing down the stairs to stop Launcelot] Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

{Finally, the father was able to come up from behind Launcelot and restrain him.}

Father:
[Dragging Launcelot back up the stairs] Hold it! Hold it! Please!

Launcelot:
[Apologetically while the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® dies off] Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get
carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. [To the wedding guests] Sorry! Sorry, everyone.

Guest #2:
[Shouting] He's killed the best man!

{The rest of the guests start yelling angrily.}

Father:
[Trying to calm the guests] Hold it! [Waving his arms] Hold it! Please! Hold it! [Confidently] This is Sir
Launcelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. [Nods behind
him] And those two are.... [Faulters]

Sailor Venus:
Minako Aino.

Sailor Jupiter:
[To herself] Oh, yeah. They do first names first here.... [Out loud] Makoto Kino.

Father:
[Nods] They are a couple of foreign travelers who have accompanied Sir Launcelot here today.

Sailor Venus:
[Waves cheerfully] Hi!!!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Yo.

Launcelot:
[Sheepishly] Hello. [Waves]

Guest #2:
[Shouting] He killed my auntie!

{The rest of the guests begin shouting again.}

Father:
[Trying to pacify the guests again] Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and
argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.

Guests:
[Muttering] ....

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Exchanging looks] Holy wedlock?!? [Pauses]

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] That doesn't mean what I think it means, does it?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Thinking out loud] But, that would mean... that Herbert....

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Eyes go VERY wide] NO WAY!!!

Father:
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

Guests:
[Shocked] Oh! Oh no!

Father:
But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!

{The guests began to clap unenthusiastically.}

Sailor Venus:
[To Jupiter] They're taking it rather well, don't you think?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] Eh. Shell shock, I suppose.

Father:
For, since the tragic death of her father-

Guest #2:
[Holding up the bride's father] He's not quite dead!

Father:
[Taken slightly aback] Since the near fatal wounding of her father-

Guest #2:
He's getting better!

Father:
[Signals a guard with a quick nod] For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt
the icy hand of death upon him.

Bride's father:
[Gets stabbed] Uugh!

Guest #2:
Oh! He's died!

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] Hey, wait a minute! Didn't he just.... [Gets cut off as Jupiter puts a hand on her shoulder]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shakes her head] Let it go, Minako-chan. The sooner this is over, the sooner we get the heck outta here.

Sailor Venus:
[Sighs] Can't we just leave?

{Off screen, the author holds up a sign with the words "Not until the scene is over," on it.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Points] Hey, what gives? What's with the signs all of a sudden?

{Off screen, the author holds up a sign with the words "Well, you were complaining about me not using my usual signs
earlier," on it. The sign then flips to show the words "So, I decided to use these signs," on it. The sign then flips
again to show the words "Are you satisfied now?" on it.}

Sailor Venus:
[Bewildered] Say, how did you do that? I didn't see you write anything before you flipped the sign that third time,
so how did you erase and write all that so fast?

{Off screen, the author smirks and holds up a sign with the words "Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Technique:
Panda Sign Speed Writing," on it. The sign then flips to show the words "Learned by from observing a certain panda for a
couple of weeks as he 'communicated'," on it. The sign then flips again to show the words "Very useful if you can only
communicate via 'sign language'." on it.}

Everyone present, including the reader:
[Facefaults while groaning at the obviously horrendous pun] ....

{Off screen, the author sweatdrops and holds up a sign with the words "Oh, stuff it," on it.}

Father:
[Continues] And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense.

{The guests begin to clap again, even less enthusiastically than before.}

Father:
And I feel sure that the merger... er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot
of Camelot-

Launcelot:
[Caught off guard] What?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Smirks] Hey! Didn't you know? Sir Launcelot is g-

Launcelot:
[Irritably] Quiet you!

Guest #2:
[Pointing toward the door leading to the courtyard] Look! The dead Prince!

{Concorde, seeming perfectly healed and somehow lacking an arrow in his chest, walks into the main hall, carrying Herbert
in his arms.}

Guests:
[Gasping in shock] Oh! The dead Prince!

Concorde:
He's not quite dead.

Herbert:
[Weakly] No, I feel much better.

Father:
[Angrily] You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

Sailor Venus:
Actually, didn't you cut his rope?

Father:
That's beside the point!

Sailor Venus:
[Shrugs] Oh. Never mind, then.

Sailor Jupiter:
I thought for sure you had died. I mean, a fall from that height....

Herbert:
[As Concorde puts him down on a table] No, I was saved at the last minute. [Stands]

Father:
How?!?

Herbert:
Well, I'll tell you. Maestro, music please.

Jason:
[Off screen] Oh, all right, but this is the last time this chapter. Okay boys, we don't stop for anything. Hit it!

{As the happy music begins, the father blanches and starts waving frantically.}

Father:
[Waving his arms] Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!

Guests:
[Singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

Father:
[Waving his arms again] Shut up!

Guests:
[Singing again] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

Father:
[Etc.] Shut up!

Guests:
[Etc.] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Glancing toward Venus] Aren't you going to join in on this musical number? Perhaps steal the show?

Sailor Venus:
[Giving Jupiter a flat look] This? I may be desperately trying to become an idol singer, but I DO have standards,
you know. A respectable idol singer wouldn't be caught dead participatingly in something like this crap. [Snorts]

{As the repetitive singing continued, Concorde managed to signal his master and the two Senshi.}

Concorde:
[Waving] Quickly, sir! Come this way!

Sailor Venus:
[Shouting over the noise] Hey! How'd you get the arrow out of your chest?

Concorde:
No time! [Waves again] Come this way, quickly!

Launcelot:
No! It's not right for my idiom! [Sheathes his sword]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shoving past him while running down the stairs] Screw your idiom! I'm getting the hell outta here!

Sailor Venus:
[Also shoving past] Same here!

Guests:
[Yes, they are, in fact, STILL singing] He's going to tell about his great escape....

Launcelot:
[Grabbing a chandelier rope] I must escape more.... [Faulters, then sighs in frustration]

Guests:
[Still doin' that singing thang] Oh, he fell a long, long, way....

Sailor Venus:
[Helpfully] Carelessly?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Helpfully] Foolishly?

Concorde:
[Helpfully] Dramatically, sir?

Launcelot:
Dramatically!

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Yelling] Screw dramatically!!! Let's go!!!

Guests:
[Why won't they stop singing?!?] But, he's here with us today....

Launcelot:
[Jumps off the stairway and starts swinging] Heee! Hoa!

Jason:
[Off screen as he sees Launcelot swinging toward him] Hey! Watch where you're...! [Leaps out of the way] ACK!!!

{Launcelot crashes into the podium that the author was conducting the musicians from. However, since he had told them not
to stop for anything, they keep playing.}

Jason:
[Pissed off while off screen] Stay on your side, dumbass! [Kicks him back on screen]

Guests:
[Unable to stop singing while Launcelot's swings begins to die down] What a wonderful escape!

Launcelot:
[After rope comes to a stop] Excuse me. Could, uh... could somebody give me a push, please?

Sailor Venus:
[Losing patience] You want a push? I'll give you a push!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Also losing patience] Yeah, we'll both give you a great big push! [To Concorde] You might wanna open the doors.

Concorde:
[Noting the two Senshi's expressions] Certainly, Madam. [Opens the courtyard doors while the two Senshi get into
position]

Sailor Venus:
[Sweetly, but with a slight sneer to her smile] Do you still want us to give you a push?

Launcelot:
[Missing the inherent danger in that innocent sounding question] Oh, would you, please?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nodding along with Venus] Certainly. [Powering up] Jupiter oak evolution!

Sailor Venus:
[Also powering up] Venus love and beauty shock!

{Both attacks crash into Launcelot and send the knight flying through the door, over the castle walls, and far into the
distance where disappears with a bright twinkling light, animé-style.}

Concorde:
[Blinking] Well... uh, that was... um... certainly, uh, dramatic. [To the Senshi] He is... um, still alive, right?

Jason:
[Off screen] Yeah. I made sure that their powers would remain non-lethal during this story. [Pauses] Well, except
for Usagi's power, but she's a special case. She wouldn't kill anyone just out of annoyance, right? [Quietly to himself]
Well, except for that one time, but that was also a special case....

Sailor Venus:
[Glancing over to the door where Launcelot had... departed from] Well, normally I'd say yes, but....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Also glancing toward the door] This place can really start to push your buttons, you know what I mean?

Jason:
[Nods, then glances over at the musicians] Okay, song's over. You're done. That's a rap! [As the musicians leave,
the author starts to fade from sight] Well, since that's done, it's back to the signs for me. Later!

Concorde:
[Blinks] Well. In any case, would you mind if we went after Sir Launcelot now?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Sighs] Yeah, we'd better. This chapter won't end otherwise.

Sailor Venus:
[Nods] At least we're finally done with this madness. Too bad we're only getting more madness to replace it.

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Deep sigh] ....

Sailor Jupiter:
[As they leave the castle] Say.... [Looks up into the sky where Launcelot faded from view] do you think we might've
overdone it a little?

{They give the idea a few seconds of thought.}

Sailor Jupiter/Venus:
[Shaking their heads] Nah....


-------------------------------------------------


{Meanwhile, Launcelot finally started his descent, hurtling down toward the ground. Fortunately, there were several pools
of water scattered about the area, giving the knight a fair chance of landing in one. All he had to do was avoid the
bamboo poles seemingly scattered everywhere, almost one in each pool.}

Launcelot:
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the
time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom.
Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much
protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water.
Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular
pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly
how to go about getting this person out of the water.}

Guide:
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!

{The guide barely managed to drag Launcelot out of the pool with all of his armor still on. He sat down on the ground,
breathing hard while Launcelot continued to gasp air into his lungs.}

Guide:
[Breathing heavily] Aiyaa! Sir... you is... very heavy. Why you... wearing such heavy clothes? [Blinks] In fact,
what you doing here? You another traveler?

Launcelot:
[Sitting up groggily] Uhn.... [Looks around] Where... am I? This place doesn't look familiar.

Guide:
Sir, this is Legendary Cursed Training Ground, Jusenkyou.

Launcelot:
[Blinks] Jew-sen-what?

{Suddenly, the author appeared beside Launcelot, startling the poor knight enough to almost send him stumbling back into
the pool, except that he had caught him before he fell in.}

Jason:
[Pulling Launcelot away from the springs] We'll be safer away from the water.

Launcelot:
[Blinking in complete bewilderment] Safe? From water?

Jason:
[Examining Launcelot] I take it he fell into an uncursed spring? [Sees the guide nod and laughs quietly to himself]
Hmm.... That spring will probably end up becoming Qishiniichuan, Spring of Drowned Gay Knight. [Imitates the Guide's speech
pattern] Very tragic story of homosexual knight that fell in spring 1000 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body
of a gay knight.

Launcelot:
[Very indignantly] I am NOT gay!!!

Jason:
[Sighs] Fine. I was only joking about the 'gay' part, you know. [To Guide] Make sure you make a sign for
Qishiniichuan, all right? Don't want anyone falling into the newly created Spring of Drowned Knight, do you?

Launcelot:
[Standing up] Um, excuse me. This is very interesting and all, but can we get make to the others, please? I take it
that that's why you're here.

Jason:
[Nods] Yes, but I'm just making sure that everything's taken care of first. [To himself] Hmm.... I wonder what would
happen if Ranma were to fall in THAT spring...? [Back to Launcelot] At any rate, let's go.

{The author clasps a hand onto Launcelot's shoulder and disappears, taking the knight with him. The Guide stares at the
empty space for a while longer until he turns to head back to his house.}

Guide:
[Shaking his head] Aiyaa.... Now I seen everything. What next? Spring of Drowned Fanfiction Writer?

{A sign appears with the words "Don't you even MENTION it! It might give certain people ideas. -Jason" on it.}

Guide:
[Sweatdrops] Aiyaa....


-------------------------------------------------

Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 11: A Shrubbery!

Questions? Comments? Speculations on how Herbert made his infamous Wonderful Escape?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil