Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ M��se Bites and Coconuts ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.

-------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1: Møøse Bites and Coconuts

PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD.
not slightly or in any way associated with
A SAILOR AND A KNIGHT PRODUCTIONS LTD.(ASCAP)
apologetically, and with some trepidation, presents

___________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ____________________

A Grail?!?

A Sailor Moon/Monty Python and
the Holy Grail crossover/parody... thingy

Un Gräilen?!? Säilor Møøn Wik Mønti Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen
__________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

 

Written, but not personally performed by:
Graham Chapman
John Cleese
Eric Idle
Terry Gilliam
Terry Jones
Michael Palin

Røten nik nö Akten hëre Di
____________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

 

Written and personally (but not really personally because this is a work of fiction, you know) performed by:
Jason C. Ulloa

Røten nik nö Realli Akten hëre Di
____________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

 

With
Usagi Tsukino
Ami Mizuno
Rei Hino
Makoto Kino
Minako Aino
Ryoku Kino
Hotaru Tomoe
Haruka Ten'ou
Michiru Kaiou
Setsuna Meiou

Wik
________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ _______________

Also appearing
Luna
Artemis
A bunch of other people who don't really matter

Alsø Wik
___________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

Also also appearing
Jason C. Ulloa

Alsø alsø Wik
___________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

Not appearing
Chibiusa Tsukino
Diana
Mamoru Chiba
Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film
You, obviously
John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt
Anyone whose name is also John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt
The Amazing Rando
Godot (We're still waiting for him)
Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny
Anybody else that isn't listed here

Nøt Wik
___________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

Camera Operator &
Camera Focus &
Camera Assistant &
Camera Grip THE GUY WITH THE CAMERA
Lighting LIGHTSWITCH & FLASHLIGHT
SERVICES, LTD.
NOT-IN-COLOR
Rostrum Cameraman SOME GUY

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?
_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Sound Recordist MIKE ROWFONE
Sound Mixer THE GUY WHO MIXES SOUND
Boom Swinger WATT CHOREHED
Sound Maintenance A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE
Sound Assistant BEN DOVER
Dubbing Editor DUBBING? THERE WAS DUBBING?
Assistant Editors SOME MORE GUYS
Sound Effects F. ECKS

See the løveli lakes
_________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________

Continuity NOW HIRING
Accountant CHEAP SKATES
Property Buyer THE MONOPOLY GUY
Property Master MILTON BRADLY
Property Men THE CANNON, THE DOG, THE SHOE,
THE IRON, THE CAR, THE STEAMBOAT....
Catering LOTTA FOOD CATERING
Vehicles RENT-A-WRECK, INC.

The wøndërful telephøne systëm
___________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Assistant Art Director I. M. BLIND
Construction Manager TIM TAYLOR
Carpenters SOME '7Os BAND
Painter PABLO PICASSO
Stagehand LEFTY
Rigger (n) 1. ONE WHO RIGS, OR SETS UP AN OBJECT FOR USE.

And mäni interësting fürri animäls
__________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

 

Special extra thanks and profuse apologies to:
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Naoko Takeuchi, Fanfiction.net,
Aria's Ink, Kodansha, Toei Animation, TV Asahi, Bandai, DIC, Cloverway, Pioneer, and anybody else who might be even
remotely responsible for the production, release, distribution, etc. of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Sailor Moon, or
this fic.

Made entirely on location on board the USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74) inside the deranged mind and the privately-
owned laptop of one Jason C. Ulloa, Information Systems Technician 2nd Class, Surface Warfare, United States Navy

By A Sailor and A Knight, Limited, USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74), Coronado, California, USA.
Completed in the personal laptop of IT2(SW) Jason C. Ulloa.
Copyright © 2002 Jason C. Ulloa, A Sailor and A Knight, LTD.
All rights reserved... except those rights belonging to other people, of course.

The Producer would like to thank Python (Monty) Pictures and Naoko Takeuchi for their inadvertent help in the
making of this work. If they knew what he was doing, they would probably be very unhappy with it... or, they might
think that it was funny. He's hoping for the latter.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and
any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely
accidental and unintentional.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

Inclüding the majestik møøse
___________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________

Songs
PARAPPA THE RAPPA

Additional Music
UM JAMMER LAMMY

A møøse ønce bït mi sistër....
_______________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

Costume Designer
SETSUNA MEIOU

No realli! She wäs Karving hër ïnitïals øn the møøse with the shärpened end
of an interspace tøøthbrush given tø hër by Svenge - hër brøther-in-läw - än Oslo
dëntist and stär of mani Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of än Oslo
Dëntist", "Fïllings of Passiøn", "The Huge Mølars of Hørst Nordfink"....
_________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________

We apologize for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have
been sacked.

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti....
_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

We apologize again for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

I ønce bït a møøse, büt it wäs ønli becäuse I wäs hungri....
____________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

We once again apologize for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the
people who have sacked the people who have just
been sacked, have now been sacked.

In addition, the person in charge of the entire
subtitling process for this work has just been
socked. And once he comes back to his senses, he
will be sacked.

_________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ______________

Production Manager THE MANAGER OF PRODUCTIONS
Assistant Director THE DIRECTOR OF ASSISTANTS
Special Effects F. ECKS
Choreography TWO LEFT FEET CHOREOGRAPHY
Fight Director RYOKU KINO
Period Consultant GRAMMERCHECK
Make Up Artists BISHOUJO SAILOR SENSHI HENSHIN PHRASES
Special Effects Photography ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA
Animation Assistance ART ATTACK!
Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA

 _______________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________

Lighting Cameraman YET ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL

_______________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ________________

Designer DE MAN WIT DE PEN
Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Møøse trained to mix concrete and
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG

____________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ___________

Editor JASON C. ULLOA
Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER
Large møøse on the left hand side
of the screen in the third scene from the
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,
French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN
Suggestive poses for the møøse
suggested by VIC ROTTER
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER

________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ _______________

Author of 'A Grail?!?' JASON C. ULLOA
Møøse toilet-trained by SVEN YAGERHERGENØVEN
Møøse trained to dance the lambada and
do the hokey-pokey by HEIDI EVENHØVER
Recipient of a møøse bite in the behind DORF BJØRNENHURGENBITTEN

______________ ___________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________

The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
sacked.

The remaining credits have been completed
in an entirely different style, at great
expense and at the last minute.

The producer wishes it to be known that
whatever follows this message is not of
his doing and, if the credits turn out to
be completely stupid, those responsible
will be sacked.

_________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ______________

Executive Producer
JASON C. ULLOA & "RALPH" The Wonder Bunny

___________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ____________

Producer
JASON C. ULLOA

Assisted By
EARL J. BUNNY
MILT Q. BUNNY III
SY BUNNY
MERLE Z. BUNNY IX

______________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ _________

Directed By

40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN BUNNIES

6 VENEZUELAN RED BUNNIES

142 MEXICAN WHOOPING BUNNIES

14 NORTH CHILEAN RABBITS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE BUNNY)

REG. BUNNY OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY BUNNIES
FROM "BUNNY-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE ENERGIZER BUNNY)

and

JASON C. ULLOA

___________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ____________

Person whose name appears in the credits the most often - the current count being ten times:
JASON C. ULLOA

Person whose name has appeared in the credits WAY too many times - and this current appearance being number eleven:
JASON C. ULLOA

___________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________ ____________

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Knight:
[Glances up at the credits] Well, wasn't that just a complete waste of time.

Sailor Neptune:
Didn't we already start? Why are the opening credits up there?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] Hell if I know. Maybe it was just an excuse for Jason-san to put his name in there eleven times.

Sailor Moon:
[Grins] I liked the last part of the opening credits.

Sailor Mars:
[Put her hands on her hips and frowns] You would. They were mostly about bunnies.

Sailor Moon:
[Shrugs] I can't help it if my name means 'bunny'. It could be worse. They could've said llamas.

Senshi:
Llamas?

Sailor Moon:
[Slightly defensive] What? The credits could've said llamas instead of bunnies.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops as they look at Sailor Moon] ....

Sailor Moon:
Stop looking at me like that.

Sailor Venus:
I thought those Swedish subtitles were funny.

Sailor Mercury:
They weren't Swedish, Venus. It was badly spelled English passed off as Swedish.

Sailor Venus:
[Shrugs] So what? I still thought it was funny.

Sailor Uranus:
I thought it was completely stupid.

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] I thought so, too. I suppose that this means that a bunch of people are going to be sacked.

Sailor Saturn:
[To Sailor Knight] Ryo-oniichan, what does 'sacked' mean?

Sailor Knight:
It means that someone is going to be fired.

Sailor Saturn:
[Confused] Fired? From what?

Sailor Knight:
[To himself] Hopefully from a cannon. [To Sailor Saturn] From their job, Saturn.

Sailor Saturn:
[Nods] Oh. But, who is going to be fired from their job?

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] The moron that wrote the opening credits.

Sailor Pluto:
[Warningly] Heads up.

Sailor Knight:
[Glances upward] Eh? [Notices a HUGE rock overhead] ...look out! [Just barely dodges an enormous rock with words
carved on it in large letters. The words read: 'Hey! I was the one who rewrote most of the opening credits! -Jason']

Sailor Pluto:
[Deadpan] Next time, be more careful of who you call a moron.

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Neptune:
[Tiredly] How long are we going to be doing this?

Sailor Jupiter:
Doing what?

Sailor Neptune:
Commenting on the opening credits. I think we've already worn the joke thin.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] Well, we can't continue until Jason-san cuts to the next scene. He's the one in charge of this fic,
remember?

Sailor Neptune:
[Looking skyward] Jason-san! Can we go to the next scene already? Please? We've already killed this joke many times
over. The readers are growing impatient!

{A sign suddenly appears in front of the Senshi. It says, 'Oh, all right. We'll move on. -Jason'}

Senshi:
[Bows while speaking in a deadpan tone] Thank you very much.

-------------------------------------------------
 
{It is still dawn on the grassy plain where the Sailor Senshi and King Arthur had met in the Prologue... I mean, a short
time ago. The fog has lifted slightly, but it is still slightly foggy. King Arthur is... um, riding his... uh, horse....
[The narrator sweatdrops] Oh, forget it. He's HOPPING, all right? He's prancing around like a... well, I won't say it, but
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he's... hopping... down a small hill with his servant, Patsy, behing him,
banging a couple of coconut halves together. Not like it sounds like a real horse, anyway. I mean, they're riding on GRASS.
The sound a couple of coconut halves make when banged together like that is like a horse trotting on cobblestones. If he
wants to do it right, he should fill the coconut halves with some sod-covered dirt and.... [Narrator pauses in order to
dodge a big rock that had just appeared over his head. The words, 'Get on with it! -Jason' is carved on it.] Oh, sorry.
I guess I got carried away....}

Sailor Knight:
[Annoyed] Are we there yet?

King Arthur:
The castle should be just up ahead. [Glances back toward the Senshi and notices that they aren't... hopping] Why
aren't you riding?

Sailor Uranus:
[Under her breath] Because we don't want to look as stupid as you.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] I'm sorry?

Sailor Uranus:
[Louder] I said that we prefer to walk.

Sailor Moon:
That and we don't have any coconut halves.

Other Senshi:
[While staring at Sailor Moon and sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Moon:
Stop looking at me like that. [Defensively] What? That looks like fun!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shakes her head] At any rate, let's just keep going.

{King Arthur continues to hop toward the castle ahead with the Sailor Senshi following behind... but not too closely. As
soon as they reach the castle, King Arthur signals a halt.}

King Arthur:
[Raises his hand] Whoa there!

{Patsy bangs the coconuts together to imitate a horse stopping abruptly. The Senshi all glance at each other, shrug, and
stop walking. From the top of the castle, a soldier carrying a spear appears and glances down at the group.}

Soldier:
Halt! Who goes there?

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] .... [To the others] Didn't we already stop?

Sailor Mars:
Just go along with it.

King Arthur:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons,
Sovereign of all England!

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly as she folds her arms] So, he's been around and has a few titles. Big deal. Couldn't he just say, 'I'm
King Arthur?'

King Arthur:
[Indifferently] And these strangely dressed people are just traveling in the same direction that I am. They are of
no consequence.

Sailor Uranus:
[Frowns] Who's of no consequence? [Takes a step forward, but is restrained by Sailor Neptune and Sailor Pluto]

Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly] Don't mind him. Keep in mind why we are following him.

Sailor Neptune:
[Also calmly] Yes. Remember the Holy Grail.

Sailor Uranus:
[Snorts in irritation, but calms down] Whatever.

Soldier:
King Arthur, you say? [Skeptically] Pull the other one!

King Arthur:
[Indignantly] I am! [Ignoring the chuckling of the Senshi] And this is my trusy servant, Patsy. We have ridden-

Sailor Knight:
Hopped.

King Arthur:
[Still ignoring the Senshi] -the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court
at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

Sailor Saturn:
[Questioningly] Which one? The lord or the master?

King Arthur:
They are one and the same.

Sailor Saturn:
Then, why did you ask for both? Couldn't you have asked for one or the other?

King Arthur:
[Growing impatient] It does not matter. As long as he gets one or the other.

Sailor Saturn:
[Nods] Oh. I see.

Soldier:
Ridden? On a horse?

King Arthur:
Yes!

Soldier:
You're using coconuts!

{The Sailor Senshi are trying very, very hard not to break into laughter.}

King Arthur:
[Blinks in surprise] What?

Soldier:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

King Arthur:
[Growing impatient again] So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of
Mercia, through-

Soldier:
[Interrupting] Where'd you get the coconuts?

{The Senshi stop their laughing and turn toward Arthur with curious expressions on their faces.}

King Arthur:
[Matter-of-factly] We found them.

Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

Soldier:
[Incredulously] Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

King Arthur:
[Irritably] What do you mean?

Sailor Mercury:
The coconut is a fruit that only grows in tropical climates, such as those areas found in close proximity to the
Equator. Since England is not a tropical zone, coconuts are not usually grown here.

Soldier:
[Nods and points at Sailor Mercury] She's right. This is a temperate zone.

King Arthur:
[Incredulously] The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes
in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

Soldier:
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Sailor Knight:
[To the other Senshi] Are they actually having this conversation?

Sailor Jupiter:
I'm afraid so.

Sailor Mars:
[Flatly] I can feel my I.Q. level dropping by the minute.

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs in relief] Good, then it's not just me.

King Arthur:
[To the soldier] Not at all. They could be carried.

Soldier:
[Blinks] What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

Senshi:
....

King Arthur:
It could grip it by the husk!

Senshi:
....

Soldier:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a one pound coconut.

Senshi:
[While looking at Sailor Mercury] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] What? I wasn't going to say anything! Honest!

King Arthur:
[Growing very impatient] Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of
Camelot is here?

Soldier:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second,
right?

Senshi:
[While looking at Sailor Mercury] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops again] I have nothing further to add to this discussion. Stop looking at me.

Senshi:
Just checking.

Soldier:
Am I right?

King Arthur:
[Growing extremely impatient and slightly desperate] I'm not interested!

{Another soldier climbs up behind the first soldier.}

Other soldier:
It could be an African swallow!

Senshi:
[Facefaults and sweatdrops] ....

Soldier:
[Turns toward the other soldier] Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

Other soldier:
[Nods] Oh, yeah. I agree with that.

King Arthur:
[Growing quite upset] Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!?

Soldier:
But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

Other soldier:
Oh, yeah.

Soldier:
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

{After finally deciding that the two soldiers were of going to be of no help to him, King Arthur turns and starts to hop
away with Patsy banging the coconuts behind him, regardless of where they found them. The Senshi share an amused look and
start to follow, but at a leisurely distance behind.}

Sailor Saturn:
Those men sure know a lot about swallows, don't they?

Sailor Venus:
[Nods] And here I thought that Mercury was the only one who could spout out useless trivia like that.

Sailor Mercury:
[Indignantly] I resent that!

Other Soldier:
[Not noticing that everyone else has left] Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

Soldier:
[Also not noticing that everyone else has left] No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Other soldier:
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

Soldier:
What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

Other soldier:
Well, why not?

Soldier:
[Turns to look back at King Arthur and the Senshi, but notices that they have left] What? They're gone!

Other soldier:
[Looks as well] Well, so they are. That's the eighth time this month you've done that, you know.

Soldier:
...oh, shut up.

-------------------------------------------------

Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead!

Questions? Comments? Need treatment for møøse bites?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil