Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ Bring Out Your Dead! ( Chapter 2 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead!


{It is now morning. King Arthur and the Sailor Senshi are riding.... [Pauses as he spots the Senshi glaring at him and
sweatdrops] ...um, I mean, King Arthur is riding while the Senshi walk.}

Sailor Uranus:
[Nods in satisfaction] That's better.

{Anyway.... They have left the castle they have visited in Chapter 1... I mean, over an hour ago and they are now starting
to make their way through a small village....}

Sailor Moon:
[Wrinkles her nose in distaste] This place stinks.

King Arthur:
That's just the smell of death and decay. It's not really that bad.

Sailor Neptune:
[In disbelief] Not that bad? Since when is death and decay 'not that bad'?

King Arthur:
You get used to it.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Get used to death and decay?!? You're not serious, are you?

King Arthur:
Quite. Shall we continue?

Sailor Pluto:
[Deadpan] This does not bode well for our journey.

Sailor Knight:
[Frowns as he crosses his arms across his chest] The sight of people dying left and right doesn't help much either.

Sailor Mercury:
[Upset] These people really need medical attention. Too many of them are dying from diseases and infections that
could be prevented.

Sailor Knight:
It's 932 A.D., Mercury. I doubt they've heard of vaccinations.

King Arthur:
[Confused] Vaxen Nations? Is that where you are all from? That doesn't sound like any place on the mainland that
I've heard of. Somewhere in the Far East, maybe?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Neptune:
[Flatly] Something like that.

Sailor Saturn:
I could use my healing ability, but....

Sailor Mars:
[Nods] They would probably call you a witch or something, right?

Sailor Saturn:
I think they burned witches back in this time period, didn't they?

Sailor Mercury:
[Nods] They did, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Sailor Venus:
[Nods and points skyward] That's right! We don't get to that until Scene 5! [Thoughtful expression] I'm not sure
which chapter that will be though, since we're on Chapter 2 in this fic and Scene 2 of the movie.

Senshi:
....

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] Um... I mean... well....

Sailor Knight:
[Frowns] So. You have my copy of the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" script.

Sailor Venus:
[Laughs sheepishly] Ehehehe.... Well, I only borrowed it for a moment. I didn't read all the way, yet. Actually, I
kinda stopped after the witch scene.

Sailor Mars:
Do you think you could look through it to see when we will get to the Holy Grail?

Sailor Uranus:
Or, at least to see how much stupidity we have to go through before we do get to it.

Sailor Jupiter:
Speaking of which.... [Points to a man pulling a pile of dead people in a big cart] Why is that man pulling a cart
full of dead bodies?

Cartmaster:
[Bangs a stick against a pan-like thing, making a clang sound] Bring out your dead!

Senshi:
....

Cartmaster:
[Clang] Bring out your dead!

Sailor Knight:
[Points] Look. Only partway into Chapter 2 and the author's already getting lazy. Shortening "Bangs a stick against
a pan-like thing, making a clang sound" into just "Clang".

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] You just don't learn, do you?

Sailor Knight:
[Frowns] What do you mean?

Sailor Pluto:
[Points skyward] That.

Sailor Knight:
What? [Glances upward and spots a huge rock overhead and sighs] Not again. [Dives out of the way just in time for
the rock to miss, then reads the words carved on the rock] "Hmm.... 'You try typing for hours on end and we'll see if you
don't take any shortcuts. Bite me. -Jason'"

Sailor Pluto:
Why do you insist on insulting him?

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] He's the one with the near-godlike abilities in this fanfic. Somebody's got to keep his ego in check.
Besides, better me than you, right? [Grins] Of course, if you're offering....

Sailor Pluto:
[Grins back] I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] ...eh?

Sailor Moon:
Um... I don't think that some of the readers will get that joke, Pluto.

Sailor Pluto:
I'm not doing a plug for Jason-san's other fanfics, so don't ask me to explain it. Let's just get back to the story.

Cartmaster:
[Clang] Bring out your dead!

Sailor Mars:
[Angrily] We covered that! Get on with it!

{A sign with the words "All right, already! -Jason" appears in front of the Senshi.}

Sailor Mars:
[Grins] Thank you.

Sailor Saturn:
[To Knight] Sailor Mars can be scary sometimes.

Sailor Knight:
[To Saturn] You should see her during her time of the month. [Shudders]

Customer:
[Carries a body toward the Cart Master] Here's one.

Cartmaster:
Ninepence.

Sailor Knight:
[Deadpan] Is that the going rate of dead people these days?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Chuckles] Good one, Ryo-chan.

Dead Person:
[Weakly] I'm not dead.

Senshi:
[Stares] ....

Cartmaster:
[Blinks] What?

Customer:
[Quickly] Nothing. Here's your ninepence.

Dead Person:
[Insistently] I'm not dead!

Cartmaster:
[Pointing to the dead person] He says he's not dead!

Customer:
Yes, he is.

Senshi:
....

Dead Person:
I'm not!

Cartmaster:
He isn't?

Customer:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Dead Person:
I'm getting better.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] He looks fine to me.

Sailor Venus:
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... These old folks nowadays, you never can tell. They could keel over at any
minute.

{An old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Venus:
[Points] See what I mean?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How awful.

Sailor Saturn:
It could be worse.

Sailor Mercury:
How so, Saturn?

Sailor Saturn:
[Shudders] They could be asking us to give them a great big hug.

Senshi:
[Staring at Saturn] ....

Sailor Saturn:
[Defensively] What? Don't look at me like that. I'm the youngest one of us all. I can't help it if old people think
I'm cute and want me to give them a hug. [Shudders again]

Sailor Uranus:
[Glaring at Knight] I told you that letting her watch gaijin television shows with you would be a bad idea.

Sailor Knight:
[Shrugs] Hey, at least I kept her away from the excessively stupid shows.

Sailor Uranus:
[Folds her arms] Like what?

Sailor Knight:
[Does the same] What else? Soap operas and talk shows. Shows like those are enough to destroy anyone's intelligence.

Sailor Moon/Venus:
[Indignantly] Hey! We happen to like those gaijin soap operas!

Sailor Uranus:
[Glances over at them, then back at Knight and nods thoughfully] I see. Good point.

Sailor Knight:
Thank you.

Sailor Moon/Venus:
[Very indignantly] HEY!!!

Customer:
[Angrily to the Senshi] Do you all mind?!? I'm trying to sell a dead person here!!!

Dead Person:
I'm not dead!

Cartmaster:
[Tiredly] Haven't we already gone over that?

Customer:
[Blinks] What? Oh. Sorry.

Dead Person:
I'm not dead!

Customer:
[To Dead Person] You've said that already, stupid!

Dead Person:
Oh. Um... [Thinks] I'm not?

Customer:
No. The next line after that.

Dead Person:
[Thinks] Oh... um.... I forgot.

Cartmaster:
[Frustrated] Oh, for Heaven's sake! [To Dead Person] It's 'I'm getting better', stupid!

Dead Person:
[Expression brightens] Oh! Thank you. [Clears his throat] I'm getting better, stupid!

All:
....

Customer:
[Mutters to himself] Close enough. [Out loud to Dead Person] No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Cartmaster:
I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

Dead Person:
[Whining] I don't want to go on the cart!

Customer:
Oh, don't be such a baby.

Dead Person:
I feel fine!

Customer:
[To Cartmaster] Well, do us a favor.

Cartmaster:
I can't.

Customer:
[Imploring] Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

Cartmaster:
[Apologetically] No, I've got to go to the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.

Sailor Mercury:
So, that would make it eighty-one pence?

Senshi:
[Looks at Mercury] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Sweatdrops] I was only trying to make a joke.

Sailor Neptune:
[Consolingly] It was a good attempt. Really.

Customer:
Well, when's your next round.

Cartmaster:
Thursday.

Dead Person:
I think I'll go for a walk.

Customer:
[To Dead Person] You're not fooling anyone, you know. [To Cartmaster] Look. Isn't there anything you can do?

Dead Person:
[Singing] I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel.... [Gets cut off as Sailor Knight strides over to the Dead Person
and whops him over the head with the hilt of his sword]

Customer:
[Gratefully to Knight] Ah, thanks very much.

Knight:
[Indifferently] Don't get me wrong. It was just that his singing was very irritating.

Customer:
Right. Well, thanks anyway.

Cartmaster:
[As he throws the Dead Person onto the cart with the Customer's help] Right then. See you on Thursday.

Customer:
All right.

Sailor Mars:
[Astonished] I can't believe you did that!

Sailor Knight:
[Bows his head] I know it was something completely out of character, but....

Sailor Mars:
Why didn't you help those two lift that old man onto the cart? Don't you know how heavy dead bodies can get?

Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

{The sound of coconuts banging together steadily approaches the Senshi. Moments later, King Arthur hops into view.}

King Arthur:
[Hops over to the Senshi] So, did you all enjoy yourselves in that village?

Sailor Uranus:
And where the hell were you?

King Arthur:
[Indifferently] Not that it's any of your concern, but I was inquiring about the location of a knight of whom I've
heard several stories about. He dwells in a forest past this village.

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] Oh, really?

King Arthur:
And besides, I wasn't in this scene, remember? [Ignores the Senshi as they facefault] Now, if you still wish to
follow me, I am leaving for the forest.

Sailor Uranus:
[Mutters] Where a monkey like you belongs.

King Arthur:
I'm sorry?

Sailor Uranus:
I said, I hope it doesn't take long.

King Arthur:
Oh. It is not too far. A few leagues from here due west. [To Patsy] Come, Patsy!

{King Arthur hops through the village with Patsy banging his coconuts as he follows.}

Customer:
[Glances at King Arthur] Who's that, then?

Cartmaster:
[Shrugs] I dunno. Must be a king.

Customer:
Why?

Cartmaster:
He hasn't got... [Looks overhead] ...watch out!

Customer:
[Also looks overhead] What the...?!?

{Both jump out of the way just in time as a large bunny crashes into the ground. The words "No curse words in this fic! It
has a G rating, remember? -Jason" are printed on a cloth hanging from the bunny's back.}

Customer:
[Stares in utter disbelief] What the hell?!? What's a huge bunny doing falling from the sky like that?

{A sign appears with the words "I ran out of rocks. I'm still waiting on my next shipment to come in. -Jason" on it.}

Cartmaster:
He has no rocks, so he drops a huge bunny?

{A sign appears with the words "Would you rather it be a huge foot? -Jason" on it.}

Customer:
Personally, I would prefer the bunny. Wouldn't you?

Cartmaster:
Of course. [Reads the bunny sign again and sighs] Well, there goes some of the really great jokes.

Customer:
Right. And I was looking forward to the bit with the castle full of young girls.

Cartmaster:
Oh, right! The Castle Anthrax bit, right? Good stuff that was.

{A sign appears with the words "Okay, we're now rated PG, so no worries. But, still no cursing. -Jason" on it.}

Cartmaster:
Well. I suppose that's better than nothing, right?

Customer:
Yeah. [Glances around] Hey... what happened to the cart?

{As the huge bunny begins to hop away, they both look to see that the cart has been totally crushed by the giant bunny.}

Cartmaster:
My cart!!!

Customer:
Looks like the old man's really dead this time. Well, no worries, then. Hey, does this mean that I get my ninepence
back?

{A sign appears with the words "Oops. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Knight:
[Deadpan as he glances back at the mess] Nice aim, stupid.

{A sign appears with the words "You wanna be next? -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] Urk!

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] I give up.

Cartmaster:
My cart!!!

-------------------------------------------------


{A few leagues due west later, the group finds themselves passing through a grassy field with a castle standing a short
distance away. Some workers are busily tending the field by harvesting.... Hold on a minute. [Narrator reads over his
script again] Are you sure this is right? This isn't a typo, is it? [A sign saying "Yes, it's right. Get on with it! -Jason"
appears in front of Narrator] You gotta be kidding me. All right, then. The workers are busily tending the field by
harvesting mounds of filth. Though why they would harvest filth is beyond me....}

Senshi:
Get on with it!!!

{All right, already!!! Damn, you people are so pushy! Fine then. Screw the rest of the intro. Just get on with the dialogue,
already.}

Sailor Saturn:
I think the narrator is a little touchy about being interrupted.

Sailor Pluto:
That may be so, but if we had let him continue, he would've rambled on for a good dozen lines or so.

{I would not!}

Sailor Pluto:
If that is the case, then you have nothing to worry about. May we move on with the story please?

{Well... all right.}

Sailor Neptune:
That was nicely handled.

Sailor Pluto:
Thank you.

King Arthur:
[As he hops by an old woman carrying a load of filth] Old woman!

Old woman:
[In a masculine voice] Man! [Points] And what is that? I'm not an old woman, you blind fool!

{Sorry.}

King Arthur:
[Apologetically] Man. Sorry. [Points toward the castle] What knight lives in that castle over there?

Old man:
I'm thirty-seven.

King Arthur:
I... [Pauses] What?

Old man:
I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. [Points again] So change that, stupid!

{All right, already! [Grumbles] Picky, picky....}

Sailor Venus:
[To the other Inner Senshi] That sounds old to me. What about you?

Sailor Moon:
[Nods] Yeah, that sounds old to me, too.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Old.

Sailor Mars:
[Nods] I vote old, too.

Sailor Mercury:
According to the average lifespan of a human male, thirty-seven would not be considered old.

Man:
[Points] There. You see?

Sailor Knight:
However, the average lifespan of a human male in England 932 A.D. is significantly lower.

Sailor Mercury:
Therefore, he could be considered an old man.

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] Old, indeed.

Man:
[Indignant] Some help you children are.

Sailor Knight:
[Smirks] Spoken like a true old man.

Man:
[Scowls] Oh, shut up.

King Arthur:
Don't mind them. Anyway, I can't call you 'Man'. [Glances up] No matter what the captions say.

{Oh, shut up.}

Man:
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirks] You could also say 'dirty old man'.

Dennis:
[Angrily] Who asked you?

King Arthur:
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

Dennis:
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

King Arthur:
I did say sorry about the 'old woman', but from behind you looked....

Dennis:
[Cuts King Arthur off as he sets down his filth] What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an
inferior!

Arthur:
[Casually] Well, I am King.

Dennis:
[Sarcastically] Oh, King, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh?

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] We're still in the process of trying to figure that out.

Dennis:
[Heatedly] I'll tell you how. By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops and looks over to Mercury] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Shakes her head and sweatdrops] Don't look at me. I don't have any idea of what they were talking about, either.

Senshi:
[Looks over to Neptune] ....

Sailor Neptune:
[Shakes her head as well] I don't know, either.

Sailor Knight:
[As the Senshi start to look at him] Not a chance.

Dennis:
[Still ranting] If there's ever going to be any progress with the....

Woman:
[Cuts off Dennis as she calls out from a nearby filth mound] Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. [Notices
the others] Oh! How d'you do?

King Arthur:
How do you do, good lady?

Senshi:
[Bows] Pleased to meet you.

King Arthur:
I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [Points to the castle] Who's castle is that?

Woman:
[Blinks] King of the who?

King Arthur:
The Britons.

Woman:
Who are the Britons?

King Arthur:
Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.

Sailor Mercury:
[Points to herself and the other Senshi] We're not Britons. We're Japanese.

Woman:
[Blinks] Jappa... knees? What's that?

King Arthur:
[Dryly] From what I gather, they are foreigners from the Far East.

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Eh... something like that.

Woman:
Well, I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Sailor Moon:
[Pleadingly] Please, Jason-san! Can't we just skip to the next scene? This one's making my head hurt! It's too
confusing!!!

{A sign appears with the words "No. If I can sit through it, so can you. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Moon:
[Grumbles] Damn.

Dennis:
[Sardonically as he starts grabbing some filth and begins to make something vaguely resembling a mud pie... but
infinitely more disgusting] You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which
the working classes....

Woman:
[Interrupts] Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

Dennis:
[To woman] That's what it's about.

King Arthur:
[Frustratedly] Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Woman:
No one lives there.

King Arthur:
[Surprised] Then, who is your lord?

Woman:
We don't have a lord.

King Arthur:
[Shocked] What?!?

Sailor Uranus:
Another waste of time, thanks to the hopping buffoon in tights.

King Arthur:
[To Uranus] Oh, shut up!

Dennis:
I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] A... what???

Dennis:
We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week....

King Arthur:
[Irritably] Yes.

Dennis:
...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting....

King Arthur:
[More irritably] Yes, I see....

Dennis:
...by a simple majority in the case of....

Sailor Knight:
[Cuts him off as he grabs him by the collar] If you don't shut up and let us skip some lines, then I'm going to have
to kill you just so we can move on to the next scene. All your political nonsense just isn't funny anymore.

Dennis:
[Nervously] Oh, right. Go right ahead.

Sailor Knight:
Thank you. [Drops Dennis and heads back over to the Senshi]

Sailor Jupiter:
[Surprised] That's not like you, Ryo-chan. I've never known you to be so violent.

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] It must be the stress.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Pats Knight consolingly on the shoulder] It'll be all right, Ryo-chan. Just don't go crazy on us, okay?

Sailor Venus:
[Nods] That's right. If that were to happen, then who'd take the brunt of Jason-san's abuse for us?

Senshi:
....

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] What? Oh, don't act like you weren't thinking that, too!

Dennis:
[Hesitantly] Um, so where are we gonna skip to?

Sailor Knight:
[Thinks] How about the part where King Arthur explains how he became king?

Dennis:
Fair enough.

King Arthur:
[Reverently] The Lady of the Lake... her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the
bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!

Sailor Knight:
[Glances around] Did you just hear angels signing back then?

Sailor Saturn:
I didn't know water had a bosom.

Sailor Moon:
Divine Providence? What's that?

Sailor Neptune:
I think it has something to do with the Christian religion.

Sailor Moon:
[Frowns] But, we're Shinto!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Samite? What's that, a long-lost Dark Kingdom General that we never heard of?

Sailor Mars:
[Warningly] I wouldn't be saying that if I were you. You might be giving ideas to the readers. Now there'll be new
fics out there with a long-lost Dark Kingdom General named Samite who's trying to revive the Dark Kingdom or something.

King Arthur:
[Angrily] What?!? What are all of you blathering about now???

Dennis:
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate of the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks] Yeah.... What he said.

King Arthur:
Be quiet!

Dennis:
Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

King Arthur:
[Angrily] Shut up!

Sailor Moon:
[To the Senshi] I think we should keep going. I'm sure that the forest is not too far from here.

Sailor Jupiter:
We'll just leave him here with his new friends. [Turns to leave] Let's go.

Dennis:
I mean, if I went around saying that I was an emperor just because some... [Pauses as he glances skyward] ...um,
some looney had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

King Arthur:
[Grabs Dennis and starts shaking him] Shut up, will you? Shut up!

Dennis:
Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system.

King Arthur:
[Still throttling Dennis] Shut up!

Dennis:
[Calls out] Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

King Arthur:
[Shoves Dennis away and storms off] Bloody peasant!

Dennis:
Oh, what a giveaway! [Calls out] Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You
saw it, didn't you?

Sailor Uranus:
[As King Arthur catches up with them] Did you have fun playing with your new friends?

King Arthur:
[Grumbles] Do shut up. [Out loud] The forest should be within seven leagues west-southwest of here. We should reach
it shortly.

Sailor Mars:
[Mutters] I can hardly wait.

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinks as she notices Pluto's small grin] What are you smiling about?

Sailor Pluto:
I'm smiling because we've finally reached the end of this chapter.

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] At last. I thought it would never end.

Sailor Mercury:
Me, neither. All that political jargon was just too much, even for me!

Sailor Venus:
That's a scary thought. If there's something that someone with an I.Q. of 300 can't understand, then there's no
hope for us normal people.

Sailor Mercury:
[Frowns] Are you saying that I'm not normal?

Sailor Knight:
Can we save this for another chapter? I'd like for this chapter to end so we can get on with the story. Dragging
it on like this isn't exactly helping.

Sailor Mercury/Venus:
[Bows] We're sorry.

Sailor Knight:
Thank you. [Glances skyward] How about it? Can we end this chapter now?

{A sign appears with the words "What do you mean, end it now? I'm not even a quarter of the way done yet! -Jason" on it.}

Senshi:
What?!?

{Another sign appears with the words "Just kidding! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Knight:
[Deadpan] To hell with near-godlike abilities. I say we kill him. [Pauses thoughtfully] But, after we find the
Holy Grail.

Senshi:
[Flatly] No argument here.

-------------------------------------------------

< br> Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?

Questions? Comments? Need schedules for dropping off your dead?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil