Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ A Witch! May We Burn Her? ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?


{A few minutes after King Arthur and the Senshi left the mind-numbingly difficult to understand scene in the last part of
Chapter 2... err.... [Pauses as a sign with the words "Don't even bother trying to cover up a screw-up that big. -Jason" on
it appears and sighs] Right. Anyway, after all that, they finally made their way into that forest they were looking for. I
don't know the name of the forest and frankly, I don't care. I mean, my job is just to move the story along, and....}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Flatly] You're doing a horrible job of it. Just shut up and let the story continue already.

{Well! [Snorts indignantly] I never! Fine then. Let's just move along. [Grumbles] Ingrates....}

Sailor Knight:
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason-san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous
vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping
Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".

{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Mars:
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.

Sailor Saturn:
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.

Sailor Moon:
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Moon:
[Also sweatdrops] Stop looking at me like that.

{A sign appears with the words "Wait. Eleven? -Jason" on it.}

King Arthur:
Yes, eleven. I voted as well. It goes against all royal dignity to go skipping and hopping about like a fool.

Senshi:
[While staring at King Arthur] ....

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What? Stop staring at me.

{As King Arthur and the Senshi travel through the forest, not skipping and definitely not chanting "Lions and tigers and
bears, oh my!" even though I happen to like that particular movie, they come across a pair of knights dueling at the edge
of a river... if you can call it a river. The body of water is approximately ½ meter across at the widest point, making the
stream look more like something created when someone has left the garden hose running a little too long. There, a small, yet
pointless bridge has been constructed with meticulous indifference. At any rate, the two knights - the Black Knight and the
Green Knight - are still battling in front of the stream for reasons unknown. Maybe the Green Knight called the Black Knight
a frilly dress-wearing girly-boy and said his mother shaves goat beards and his father smells like moldy gym socks; I don't
know.}

All:
[Sweatdrops] ....

A randomly appearing sign:
[With a picture of a sweatdrop on it] .... -Jason

{Okay, so maybe not. But whatever the reason, they fight on until the Black Knight kills the Green Knight in a very gruesome
way.}

Sailor Neptune:
[While covering Saturn's eyes] How awful.

Sailor Saturn:
But Michiru-mama, that man's not dead. That was just red-colored water that was spilling out of his helmet.

Sailor Neptune:
But still, it was awful.

Sailor Knight:
[Dryly] The death scene or the acting?

Sailor Neptune:
Both. That's why I'm covering her eyes.

Green Knight:
[Leans up from the ground] Hey!

Black Knight:
[Kicks him in the head] You're supposed to be dead, stupid!

Green Knight:
Ow! Sorry. [Lies back down] You didn't have to kick me so hard, you bastard.

Sailor Mercury:
Are you being just slightly overprotective, Neptune?

Sailor Uranus:
We have a hard enough time trying to protect her from those gaijin TV shows and movies that your boyfriend watches
sometimes.

Sailor Knight:
[Indignantly] Hey! Don't bring me into this!

Sailor Saturn:
[While taking Neptune's hands off her eyes] But Michiru-mama, Haruka-papa, I like watching those shows with
Ryo-oniichan! Thanks to him, I know what a... [Questioningly to Knight] ...'raitoseibaa'? [Knight nods] ...is.

Sailor Uranus:
[Shakes her head and sighs] I don't think I'll ever understand gaijin movies.

Sailor Knight:
It could be worse. [Low and ominously] It could be Barney.

Sailor Uranus:
[Furiously as she brings out her Space Sword Talisman] If you allow her to even catch one glimpse of that....

Sailor Knight:
[Shudders] Don't even think about that. I'd sooner commit seppuku with a plastic butter knife.

Sailor Venus:
[To King Arthur as he shakes his head] What's wrong?

King Arthur:
[Sighs] Nothing. I've long given up hope of understanding the lot of you.

Sailor Venus:
I think it's supposed to get worse as the story continues.

King Arthur:
[Looks skyward with an expression of hopelessness] O God in Heaven, what have I done to deserve this?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Pats King Arthur on the shoulder] Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be fine as long as you keep on going. Right?

King Arthur:
[Sighs heavily] I suppose. [Walks over to the Black Knight who has been standing in front of the... bridge ever
since he killed the Green Knight]

Green Knight:
I'm not dead.

{Yes, you are.}

Green Knight:
No, really. I'm not dead.

{You are, too. We saw you die.}

Green Knight:
I'm getting better.

{A large rock suddenly falls from the sky and lands on the Green Knight. The words "Now, he's dead. -Jason" are carved into
the rock.}

All:
[Sweatdrops] ....

King Arthur:
[Trying his best to ignore the big rock that has fallen on the Green Knight] You fight with the strength of many
men, Sir Knight.

Black Knight:
....

King Arthur:
[Blinks] I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Black Knight:
....

Sailor Mars:
I don't think he's impressed. Maybe he hasn't heard of you?

King Arthur:
[To Mars] Of course, he has! All of England knows of King Arthur!

Sailor Pluto:
That commune we passed last chapter seemed not to know you.

King Arthur:
[Indignantly] That was another matter! Silence, all of you!!! [Turns back to Black Knight] Anyway, I seek the finest
and bravest of knights in the land to join me in my court in Camelot. [Pauses] And don't mind those strangely dressed
foreigners that are traveling with me. They merely travel in the same direction as I do, nothing more.

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] He wears tights and hops around like a fool, yet he calls us strangely dressed foreigners?

Black Knight:
....

Sailor Knight:
He seems a bit taciturn, don't you think?

King Arthur:
[While choosing to ignore the Senshi] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [Glares back at the Senshi,
who have been shaking their heads, but stopped just before King Arthur could catch them] And please, pay them no heed.

Black Knight:
....

King Arthur:
[Glares at the Senshi one last time, then turns back to Black Knight] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. [Tries
to cross the bridge, but is stopped by the Black Knight standing in the way]

Black Knight:
None shall pass.

Sailor Knight:
He can talk!

Sailor Mars:
It's a miracle!

Sailor Moon:
Can we go now?

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What?

Black Knight:
None shall pass.

King Arthur:
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Black Knight:
Then, you shall die.

Sailor Venus:
[Pointing at the stream] Excuse me, but can't you just step across this river?

King Arthur:
That is not the point! [To Black Knight] I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!

Black Knight:
I move for no man.

Sailor Uranus:
[Walks up to Black Knight] So, you won't move for any man. But, will you move for a woman?

Black Knight:
[Thinks] Well, all right. [Steps aside as Uranus, then the rest of the Senshi, excluding Knight, walks past]

King Arthur:
[Angrily] Now, see here! Let me pass!

Black Knight:
I move for no man. [Notices a small bunny hopping toward him] Oh, how cute. Do you want to cross my bridge, little
bunny? [Moves aside as the bunny crosses the bridge]

Sailor Knight:
[Shakes his head in exasperation] Who needs that stupid bridge, anyway? [Steps over the stream and joins the other
Senshi]

Sailor Pluto:
Nice to see you've made it, Sailor Knight. We were beginning to wonder.

Sailor Knight:
I wanted to see how much of a fool that fool could make of himself.

Sailor Pluto:
And?

Sailor Knight:
There was just too much to take in at one time. I had to leave.

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] We understand.

King Arthur:
[Very angrily] This is your last warning! Let me pass!

Black Knight:
I move for no man.

King Arthur:
[Furiously] So be it!

{Both the Black Knight and King Arthur draw their swords and fight. Meanwhile, the Senshi are just standing around, looking
very bored.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Frowns] Does he have to play around like this?

Sailor Pluto:
There are times when one must step out of the way and let fools have their way.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirking] You mean, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself? [Snorts] Don't I wish.

Sailor Pluto:
Would you like to stop him, then?

Sailor Uranus:
[Gestures toward King Arthur and the Black Knight] And miss the floor show? Why would I want to do that?

Sailor Knight:
[Nudges Uranus with his elbow] I've got a thousand yen on the man in tights. Want in?

Sailor Uranus:
Hah! [Extends her hand] You're on! I say hopping boy gets his butt kicked. [Shakes hands with Knight while the
other Senshi sweatdrop]

Sailor Neptune:
[Disapprovingly] Gambling, Haruka?

Sailor Uranus:
It's only a friendly wager. Right, Ryo-kun?

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] Un! [To Neptune] Don't get so upset, Michiru-san. It's all in good fun.

{As the Senshi watch, and Uranus and Knight cheer on their respective champions, King Arthur manages to chop the Black
Knight's left arm off.}

Sailor Knight:
[Triumphantly] All right!

Sailor Uranus:
[Mutters as she scowls at Black Knight] You idiot.

King Arthur:
Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Knight:
'Tis but a scratch.

Senshi:
[Staring and sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Uranus/Knight:
[To each other] Game on!

King Arthur:
[Incredulously] A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight:
[Glances down at his left arm lying on the ground, then back at King Arthur] No, it isn't.

King Arthur:
[Points at the arm] Well, what's that, then?

Black Knight:
[Undauntedly] I've had worse.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

King Arthur:
You liar!

Black Knight:
[Mocking as he raises his sword again] Come on, you pansy!

{They fight some more until King Arthur chops the Black Knight's right arm off.}

Sailor Knight:
[Points at Uranus] Hah! You owe me a thousand yen!

Sailor Uranus:
[Grumbles incoherently] ...fine.

King Arthur:
[Triumphantly] Victory is mine! [Kneels in prayer] We thank Thee, Lord, that in Thy mer....

{King Arthur gets cut off as the Black Knight kicks him in the behind.}

Black Knight:
Hah! [Kicks King Arthur again] Come on, then!

King Arthur:
[Stares in disbelief] What?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Black Knight:
[Kicks King Arthur again] Have at you!

Sailor Uranus:
Well, he is persistant. I'll give him that.

Sailor Knight:
Too bad he doesn't know when to quit.

King Arthur:
You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

Black Knight:
[Taunting] Oh. Had enough, eh?

King Arthur:
[Irritably] Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

Black Knight:
Yes, I have.

King Arthur:
[Indignantly] Look!

Black Knight:
It's just a flesh wound. [Kicks King Arthur again]

Sailor Mars:
[Dryly] That's one heck of a flesh wound.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Flatly] Especially since he lost a lot of flesh... and bone... and muscle....

King Arthur:
[Very irritably] Look, stop that.

Black Knight:
[Tauntingly] Chicken!

Sailor Venus:
That guy's asking for it.

King Arthur:
[Angrily] Look, I'll have your leg. [Black Knight kicks King Arthur again] Right.

{King Arthur swings his sword and chops off Black Knight's right leg.}

Black Knight:
[While hopping on his last leg] Right. I'll do you for that!

Senshi:
....

King Arthur:
You'll what?!?

Black Knight:
[Hops toward King Arthur and bumps into him] Come here!

King Arthur:
[Moves back and stares at Black Knight] What are you going to do, bleed on me?

Sailor Knight:
That's about all he can do.

Black Knight:
I'm invincible!!!

Sailor Uranus:
No, just stupid.

King Arthur:
You're a looney!

Senshi:
No arguement here.

Black Knight:
The Black Knight always triumphs!

Sailor Pluto:
[Questioningly] Even with the loss of three limbs?

Black Knight:
Have at you! [Charges King Arthur again] Come on, then.

{King Arthur sighs, then chops off Black Knight's left leg, leaving him as a limbless stump sitting on the ground. The
Black Knight looks down at himself in surprise as he realizes that he has no more limbs left.}

Black Knight:
All right, we'll call it a draw.

Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

{King Arthur shakes his head as he signals for Patsy to come to him. The Senshi merely shrug as they turn and follow him.}

Black Knight:
[Mocking] Oh! Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll
bite your legs off!

Sailor Saturn:
How does that man expect to bite our legs off if he can't move?

Sailor Pluto:
[Quietly] How indeed, Hotaru-chan. How indeed.

Sailor Moon:
Well, now that we're done here, what now?

King Arthur:
Well, there is another village not too far from here....

Sailor Neptune:
It's not another village full of death and decay, is it?

King Arthur:
No. [Neptune sighs in relief] But, it does have a slight problem.

Sailor Mars:
[Deadpan] Why are we not surprised?

Sailor Pluto:
That seems to be the norm around here. The sooner you realize this, the less confused you will be.

Sailor Mercury:
What problem does this village have?

King Arthur:
They have the occasion problem with witches.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ...witches?

King Arthur:
[Nods] Yes. They seem to find witches living in their village quite often.

Sailor Saturn:
[Nervous] Maybe we shouldn't go....

King Arthur:
Nonsense. There is nothing to worry about. Besides, I've also heard that a very wise knight resides within this
village.

Sailor Uranus:
Considering all of the knights we have met so far, that phrase sounds like an oxymoron.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What?

Sailor Uranus:
Case in point.

King Arthur:
[Frowns] Be that as it may, let us continue. We are wasting time here. Besides, the longer we tarry about, the more
opportunities we give our author friend to cause mischief upon us.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks] Oh, yeah! I almost forgot about Jason-baka.

Sailor Pluto:
[Flatly] Too late.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks] What? [Blinks again in realization] Damn....

{Sailor Knight jumps out of the way as a big rock hits the ground were he was standing. The words "Thanks for giving me an
excuse to drop a rock on you, Ryo-kun. I really appreciate it. -Jason" are carved on the rock.}

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] And this is how he shows his appreciation?!?

Sailor Pluto:
It could be worse.

Sailor Knight:
How?

Sailor Pluto:
You could be underneath that rock right now.

Sailor Knight:
[Stiffens] Urk!

Sailor Moon:
[Impatiently] Can we go now? Please?

King Arthur:
[Turns to leave] I shall lead you all to the village. Follow my lead.

Sailor Uranus:
We still won't hop.

King Arthur:
[Frowns] I'm not hopping. I'm riding! [Hops... err, rides away while Patsy bangs the coconuts behind him]

Sailor Uranus:
[Dryly to Pluto] Please remind me again; why are we following him?

Sailor Pluto:
Because he will eventually lead us to the Holy Grail.

Sailor Uranus:
[Grimaces and mutters] Eventually.... I think I'd rather fight the Death Busters again.

{A sign appears with the words "I could arrange that if you want. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Uranus:
[Eyes widen] He wouldn't dare....

{A sign appears with the words "You'd better get going before I really consider it. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Uranus:
[To Knight] Ryo-kun, If you're still planning on killing Jason-san, I'd be more than happy to help you.

Sailor Knight:
[Pats Uranus consolingly on the shoulder] Welcome to the club, Haruka-san.


-------------------------------------------------


{As King Arthur and the Senshi come into view of the village, they notice a group of traveling monks walking by in single
file while chanting. They notice that all the monks are holding planks of wood in their hands.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Curiously] What is that they're chanting?

Monks:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem.

Sailor Mercury:
[Frowns] Hmm.... I'm not very good with Latin. [To Neptune and Knight] Can either of you figure out what they're
saying?

Sailor Knight:
[Shakes his head] I never bothered with Latin.

Sailor Neptune:
[Looks thoughtful] Hmm... I recognize 'requiem', but not much else. Something about resting, I believe.

King Arthur:
'Pie' means dutifully. 'Is' means this. 'Sudo' means to toil. 'Mei' means my or mine. 'Do' means to offer. 'Nam'
means for. 'Eis' means his. And 'requiem' comes from the word 'requies' meaning rest. A 'requiem' is a song of rest, usually
sung at an individual's Mass. What they are saying is roughly, 'At this, I toil dutifully. I offer this for His requiem.'

Sailor Mercury:
I wonder what they mean by 'I offer this for his requiem?'

{Suddenly, all of the monks whap themselves in the head with their planks of wood, then repeat their chant.}

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Monks:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]

Sailor Jupiter:
[While staring in disbelief] You've got to be kidding me.

Monks:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo
mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap]

Sailor Moon:
[Sweatdrops] Those monks must get headaches frequently.

Sailor Mars:
What kind of screwed-up religion do those morons follow?

King Arthur:
[Ingidnantly] How dare you speak of my religion like that! Those are holy men you are insulting!

Sailor Uranus:
[Nods] That explains quite a lot.

Sailor Mars:
The more I watch them, the more I appreicate my own religion. As a Shinto priestess, I have never once had to hit
my head with a piece of wood.

Sailor Pluto:
[Looking around] I hate to break up this interesting theological discussion, but have any of you seen where Saturn
has disappeared to?

{Everyone stops talking and starts looking around the area, searching for Saturn.}

Sailor Jupiter:
She was just here. She was walking by me until we stopped a little while ago.

Sailor Pluto:
When they started talking about those monks?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] But after that, I don't know where she could've gotten to.

Sailor Venus:
[Spots something and points] Everyone! Over there! Saturn's over there!

{Everyone turns to see where Venus is pointing to. They spot Saturn in the village, surrounded by a mob of shouting
villagers. Saturn is apparently wearing a pointy hat and has a false nose tied to her face. She is also carrying a broom in
her right hand.}

Sailor Neptune:
[Worriedly] Hotaru-chan!

Sailor Uranus:
[Also worriedly] How did they get a hold of her?

King Arthur:
Don't worry. If your friend is not a witch, then they won't do anything to harm her. A lot of their witches have
been false alarms as of late.

Sailor Uranus:
[Coldly] For her sake, you had better be right.

Sailor Moon:
Either way, Hotaru-chan looks pretty upset. She'd feel better if she saw us nearby. Let's go.

{The Senshi all rush over to the village with King Arthur following at his leisure. In the village, the shouting grows
louder as the crowd reaches a knight dressed in blue and white who seems to be patiently watching the procession. He has the
look of someone who is used to dealing with false alarms and general stupidity.}

Crowd:
[Shouting] A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

{The crowd quiets down as three villagers approach the knight with Saturn in tow. Saturn seems to be taking the treatment
stoically, but she definitely doesn't look too happy with her current situation.}

Villager 1:
[Eagerly] We have found a witch. May we burn her?

Crowd:
[Shouting} Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!

Knight:
[Patiently] How do you know she is a witch?

Villager 2:
She looks like one.

Crowd:
[Shouting] Right! Yeah!

Knight:
[Sighs, then gestures at the villagers] Bring her forward.

Sailor Saturn:
[While being shoved forward] Please! I'm not a witch! Please, stop this!

Knight:
[While examining Saturn] But you're dressed up as one.

Sailor Saturn:
[Blinks] What do you mean?

Knight:
[Points] The hat, the nose, the....

Sailor Saturn:
[Glances back at the villagers] They dressed me up like this.

Crowd:
[Shouting] We didn't! We didn't!

Sailor Saturn:
[Lifts up the false nose] See? This is a false nose.

Knight:
[Gives the crowd a chiding look] Well?

Villager 1:
[Penitently] Well, we did do the nose.

Knight:
[Dubiously] The nose?

Villager 1:
And the hat. [Shouts] But she is a witch!

Villager 2:
[Nods] Yeah!

Crowd:
[Shouting] Right! We burn her!

Knight:
[Patiently] Did you dress her up like this?

Villager 1:
[Emphatic] No!

Villager 2:
[Looks to Villager 3] No!

Villager 3:
[Looks to Villager 2 and 1] No!

Villager 2:
[Slightly less emphatic] No.

Villager 1:
[Also slightly less emphatic] No.

Villager 3:
[Also slightly less emphatic] No.

Villager 1:
Yes.

Villager 2:
[Nods] Yes.

Villager 1:
Yes, a bit.

Villager 3:
A bit.

Villager 2:
A bit.

Villager 1:
[Points] She has got a wart. And a broom!

Sailor Saturn:
[Reaches up and removes the wart] That was fake, too. And someone put this in my hand. [Drops the broom]

Knight:
[Sighs again] What makes you think she's a witch?

Villager 3:
Well, she turned me into a newt.

Knight:
[Blinks and looks questioningly at him] A newt?

Villager 3:
[Pauses and shrugs] I got better.

Villager 2:
[Shouts] Burn her anyway!

Crowd:
[Shouting] Burn her! Burn her up!

Sailor Saturn:
[Sighs] Why me?

Knight:
What do you burn apart from witches?

Villager 1:
[Shouts] More witches!

Sailor Saturn:
[Mutters] I hate the Dark Ages.

Villager 3:
[Hushes Villager 1] Shhh!

Villager 2:
Wood!

Knight:
[Nods] So, why do witches burn?

Sailor Saturn:
I said I'm not a witch! Why don't you listen to me?

Knight:
[To Saturn] Please stay calm, my lady. We'll get this all sorted out in due time.

Sailor Saturn:
[Mutters] I really hate the Dark Ages.

{Saturn begins to contemplate bringing out her Silence Glaive until she spots the rest of the Senshi just outside the
crowd signaling that they'll save her if things start going bad. She sighs, but nods her understanding.}

Villager 3:
[Hesitantly] Because... they're made of... wood?

Knight:
[Grins] Good!

Crowd:
[Nods] Oh, yeah. Right.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Knight:
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

Villager 1:
[Shouts] Build a bridge out of her!

Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

Knight:
[Points skyward] Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

Villager 1:
[Deflates] Oh, yeah.

Crowd:
[Nods] Yeah. True.

Knight:
Does wood float in water?

Villager 1:
No. [Shakes his head] No.

Villager 2:
No, it floats. [Eyes widen in realization] It floats!

Villager 1:
[Shouts] Throw her in the pond!

Crowd:
[Shouting] The pond! Throw her in the pond!

Sailor Saturn:
[Mutters] At least they're not shouting 'burn her' anymore.

Crowd:
[Shouting] Then, burn her!

Sailor Saturn:
[Mutters] I had to open my big mouth, didn't I?

Knight:
What also floats in water?

Villager 1:
Bread!

Villager 2:
Apples!

Villager 3:
Um... very small rocks!

Villager 1:
Cider!

Villager 2:
Uh, gr... gravy!

Villager 3:
Turtles!

Villager 1:
Cherries!

Villager 2:
Mud!

Villager 3:
Uh, churches! Churches!

Villager 1:
Cats!

Villager 2:
Lead!

Villager 3:
Babies!

Villager 1:
Smoke!

Villager 2:
Bunnies!

Villager 3:
My mother!

King Arthur:
[Shouts] A duck!

Crowd:
[Turns toward King Arthur in amazement] Ooooh....

Knight:
[Points and grins] Exactly. So, logically.... [Waits expectantly]

Villager 1:
[Frowns in thought] If... she... weighs... the same as a duck... she's made of wood.

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Knight:
[Spreads his arms] And therefore...?

Villager 2:
...a witch!

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] Are you all right, Ami-chan?

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs as he puts a consoling arm around Mercury] It's all that messed-up, so-called 'logic'. I think that it's
conflicting and short-circuiting her own logical functions. [Pats Mercury lovingly on her head] It's all right. It's going
to be all right. Don't let all this stupidity get to you.

Crowd:
[Shouting] A witch! A witch!

Another villager:
[While holding a duck] Here is a duck. Use this duck. [Hands the knight the duck]

Sailor Saturn:
[Sweatdrops] Where did that come from?!? And they're accusing me of being a witch....

Duck:
Quack! Quack! Quack!

Knight:
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

Crowd:
[Shouting] Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her!

{Saturn is carried over to a huge wooden scale that has appeared as magically as the duck and is placed on one of the pans,
while the duck is placed on the other. Two villagers each grab a big mallet and stand at either pan, ready to knock out the
supports that keep the pans from moving.}

Sailor Saturn:
If I don't weigh the same as a duck, then will you let me go?

Knight:
[Nods] Of course, my lady. [To the villagers] Remove the supports!

{The villagers knock the supports away, leaving the pans to hang freely. Surprisingly, the pans do not move.}

Senshi:
[Boggles] ....

Crowd:
[Cheering] A witch! A witch! A witch!

Sailor Saturn:
[Shocked] No way!!! I'm not a witch!!!

Sailor Knight:
[Shouts] Wait! Why are there a pair of wooden pegs stuck into the top of the scales?

Knight:
[Blinks] Oh my! I forgot I put those in there to keep it from moving in the wind. [Points] Knock out those pins as
well, please.

{As the two pins are knocked out, Saturn's pan quickly drops to the ground, knocking Saturn unceremoniously onto her behind
and catapulting the duck into the air.}

Sailor Saturn:
[Rubbing her behind] Ow, that hurt.

Duck:
[While flying through the air without moving its wings] Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

Crowd:
[Disappointedly] Drat! [Disperses]

Knight:
[As he and Saturn walk up to King Arthur and the Senshi] Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science?

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] I agree. I'd hardly call that 'science'.

King Arthur:
[Ignores the Senshi] I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Knight:
[Kneels] My liege!

King Arthur:
[Grinning profusely and glances pointedly at the Senshi] Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join
us at the Round Table?

Knight:
[Glances up at King Arthur] My liege! I would be honored!

Sailor Uranus:
[Mutters] His funeral.

King Arthur:
[Ignoring Uranus as he draws his sword] What is your name?

Knight:
Bedevere, my liege.

King Arthur:
[As he taps Bedevere on his shoulders with his sword] Then, I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.'

Bedevere:
[Stands up] I thank you, my liege. [Glances over toward the Senshi] If I may ask, my liege, who are these strangely
garbed people traveling with you?

King Arthur:
[Indifferently] Merely a group of foreigners who are traveling in the same direction I am.

Bedevere:
[Nods] I see. Very well then, my liege. Where are you headed to now?

King Arthur:
One moment please, Sir Bedevere. [Brings out a thick stack of papers bound together with the words "Monty Python
and the Holy Grail script" written on it and reads] Ah, yes. We are to go into a narrative interlude and then travel toward
Camelot with three more knights traveling with us: Sir Lancelot; Sir Gallahad; and Sir Robin.

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Bedevere:
[Nods] Ah, I see. Then, I shall go fetch my servant and my horse and ride with you immediately. [Leaves to gather
his things]

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] Narrative interlude?

Sailor Knight:
He means that the narrator will tell the readers a summary of what happens while the story cuts to scene further in
the story. In other words, we're going to skip a lot of scenes and go straight to Camelot.

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] Once we get to Camelot, I'm certain that our search for the Holy Grail will truly get underway.

Sailor Neptune:
[Glances thoughtfully at Pluto] How can you be so sure, Setsuna?

Sailor Pluto:
Because I happened to glance at the script as he was reading it.

Senshi:
....

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Bedevere:
[While hopping toward the others while his servant bangs a pair of coconuts together] I am ready, my liege.

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] More coconuts?

Sailor Venus:
Did he find those in Mercia as well?

King Arthur:
[To Venus] Quiet you! [To Bedevere] Come, Sir Bedevere!

{King Arthur and Bedevere hop away, leaving the Senshi to stare after them and sigh.}

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] Now we have another hopping idiot to deal with.

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Sailor Uranus:
[To Knight] Can't you do something about her, Ryo-kun?

Sailor Knight:
[Looks thoughtfully at Mercury] Hmm....

{Sailor Knight grins, then kisses Mercury, causing her to snap out of her twitching fit.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Grins] Thank you. All that unscientific nonsense really messed around with my head for a moment there.

Sailor Knight:
[Significant grin] Anytime, Mercury. Anytime.

Sailor Mercury:
[Blushes] ....

Sailor Uranus:
[Grins] All right, lovebirds. Break it up. We've got a pair of hopping idiots to follow.

Sailor Moon:
That's right. On to the next chapter!

Senshi:
[Flatly] Do we have to?

{A sign appears with the words "Yes, unless you would like to discuss things with my friends. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] 'Friends'?

Sailor Pluto:
[Points skyward] I think he means those.

{Everyone glances upward to see a group of big rocks hovering overhead, then sweatdrops.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Flatly] Maybe we should get going?

Senshi:
[Nods, then starts running after King Arthur and Bedevere] DASH!!!


-------------------------------------------------


A small note: F#

Now, for the real Author's Note: The Latin translation was based off of what I found and looked up at this site:
http://humanun.arts.cuhk.edu.hk/Lexis/Latin/
I may be slightly off with the translation, since I don't speak Latin. It is mostly guesswork, so if I am wrong, this is
the reason why. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! So, there.

Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 4: Camelot! It is a Silly Place

Questions? Comments? What also floats in water?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil