Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ Camelot! It is a Silly Place ( Chapter 4 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?


{A few minutes after King Arthur and the Senshi left the mind-numbingly difficult to understand scene in the last part of
Chapter 2... err.... [Pauses as a sign with the words "Don't even bother trying to cover up a screw-up that big. -Jason" on
it appears and sighs] Right. Anyway, after all that, they finally made their way into that forest they were looking for. I
don't know the name of the forest and frankly, I don't care. I mean, my job is just to move the story along, and....}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Flatly] You're doing a horrible job of it. Just shut up and let the story continue already.

{Well! [Snorts indignantly] I never! Fine then. Let's just move along. [Grumbles] Ingrates....}

Sailor Knight:
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason-san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous
vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping
Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".

{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Mars:
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.

Sailor Saturn:
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.

Sailor Moon:
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Moon:
[Also sweatdrops] Stop looking at me like that.

{A sign appears with the words "Wait. Wasn't this supposed to be Chapter 4? Woah.... Déjà vu." -Jason" on it.}

All:
[Sweatdrops] ....

{A sign appears with the words "Well, as long as we're here, shall we do this chapter again? -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Saturn:
[Bringing out her Silence Glaive] Death Ribbon Revo.... [Gets cut off as Knight and Uranus both cover Saturn's
mouth.]

Sailor Knight:
[Soothingly] There's no need to go THAT far, Hotaru-chan. Just calm down.

Sailor Uranus:
[Calmly] That's right. If you want, you can help us kill Jason-san after this fic is over.

Sailor Saturn:
[Blinks] I can help you and Ryo-oniichan kill Jason-san? [Grins] Okay!

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

{A sign appears with the words "I don't find that amusing in the least. -Jason" on it.}

King Arthur:
[Glancing around] Where did Bedevere go?

Bedevere:
[Off screen] Over here, my liege! For some reason, I seem to be stuck off screen.

King Arthur:
[Annoyed] Oh, blast it all. Can't we just cut to the narrative interlude already?

{A sign appears with the words "But I haven't even started Chapter 4 yet. -Jason" on it.}

King Arthur:
[While trying to remain calm] Well then, can you please start the chapter so we can get on with this story?

{A sign appears with the words "Well... okay. -Jason" on it.}

All:
[Deadpan while bowing] Thank you.


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Chapter 4: Camelot! It is a Silly Place


{The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Gallahad the Pure; Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought
the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the
Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film-Or-In-This-Work-Of-Fanfiction-Either. Together they
formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table. Oh, and the
Sailor Senshi of 20th century Japan were there, too, but who cares?}

Senshi:
[Indignantly] That's not funny!

Jason:
I thought it was funny.

Sailor Moon:
[Surprised] What are you doing here? I thought you usually showed up as randomly appearing signs showing whatever
you wanted to say.

Jason:
This is a narrative interlude. We aren't in the story per se.

Sailor Moon:
[Confused] I don't understand.

Jason:
It's simple. During a narrative interlude, time can run in any direction and at any speed the narrator may choose.
For example, this narrative interlude will speed your time in this fic by a matter of three to four weeks, maybe even five.

Sailor Moon:
[Shocked] Up to five weeks?!? What about...?

Jason:
[Interrupting] Oh, before I forget, during your stay in this alternate universe no time will pass in your original
universe. I wouldn't want your friends and families to be worried about all of you.... Well, for those of you that this
applies to.

Sailor Jupiter/Knight/Saturn/Uranus/Neptune/Pluto:
[Flatly] Thank you for your concern.

Jason:
[Dryly] Your appreciation moves my soul.

Sailor Knight:
[Sarcastically] You have a soul?

Jason:
[Points upward] Look up.

Sailor Knight:
[Glances upward to see a huge rock, then glares at Jason] I don't like you.

Jason:
[Wryly as Knight dives out of the way of the falling rock] I'm crushed.

Sailor Knight:
[Scowls] Cute, Jason-kun. Very cute.

Jason:
[Smirks] I aim to please. At any rate, now that I've had my fun....

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] He calls this fun?

Jason:
[Smirks as laptop suddenly appears at his hands] What was that Haruka-san? You wanted to try kissing Ryo-kun again?
[Starts typing] Well, if you insist....

Sailor Knight/Uranus:
[Shouts] NO!!!

Jason:
[Stops typing and smirks again] I was just kidding. At any rate, let's continue with the story.


-------------------------------------------------


{Anyway, at this point in the story, all of the Knights of the Round Table - well, the ones that were in the Holy Grail
film, at least - were making their way back toward the castle that they would be calling home from now on. The Sailor Senshi
were traveling behind the knights, keeping the servants/packhorses/coconut bangers between them and the hopping fools in
front of them. Sailor Knight was doing his best to keep Sailor Mercury's attention away from the conversation between King
Arthur and Bedevere, since their occasional "educational" discussions often short-circuited her logical functions.}

Sailor Neptune:
[Sighs] I don't think that's a feasible solution, Ryo-kun. [Pauses as she takes in the sight in front of her again
and shakes her head] Even if it does seem to work....

Sailor Knight:
[As he walks behind Mercury and holds his hands over her ears] Well, I haven't heard of any better ideas from you,
yet. I'm certainly open to suggestions.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirking] Well, you could just keep her mind occupied with something else. You came up with a pretty good solution
back at the village, Ryo-kun.

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Ami-chan and I am not going to put on a floor show for you, Haruka-san.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirk widening] Oh, don't try to tell me that you wouldn't enjoy it.

Sailor Knight:
[Smirks back] Then, I won't. [Glances back at Mercury] I'm just glad she can't hear what I'm saying....

Sailor Uranus:
[Slyly] Why's that, Ryo-kun?

Sailor Neptune:
[Grins at Knight's slight discomfiture] Come on, Haruka. Stop teasing him already.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Falls back to walk beside Knight and Mercury] They're still at it, Ryo-chan.

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] When are they going to shut up? First, it was how a man could craft a working trebuchet with toothpicks, a
bowstring and a coconut shell. Then, it was how one can use a cow's tongue to cure a headache. Then, using a block of blue
cheese as a floatation device during a flood. [Shakes his head] Oh, but it has to be blue cheese, since swiss has too many
holes and cheddar cheese just doesn't have the same buoyancy....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Yeah, I thought that was pretty stupid as well.

Sailor Knight:
So, what're they talking about now?

Sailor Jupiter:
Why don't you find out for yourself? I could tell you, but... it's just something you have to hear for yourself.
Don't worry; I can take over for you.

Sailor Knight:
[Nods, then lets Jupiter take his place] Thanks, Mako-chan.

Sailor Mercury:
[Blinks curiously] What's going on, Ryo-chan?

Sailor Knight:
I'm just going to see how bad the conversation's going. We can't have you going into another twitching fit, now can
we?

Sailor Mercury:
[Frowns] It was too horrible to think about. Witches are NOT made of wood!

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] That's why I'm going to check out what those idiots are talking about now. Probably some idiocy about how
fermented avocadoes mixed in rice pudding can cure colds, or something.

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Sailor Knight:
I was only kidding.

Sailor Mercury:
[Faintly] Please don't say things like that, Ryo-chan.

Sailor Jupiter:
Can you find out if we're almost there? I'm sure Ami-chan doesn't want to have to go through the entire fic with
someone's hands on her ears.

Sailor Pluto:
[Quietly] Can you please explain to me again why she can't put her own hands on her ears?

Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Uranus:
[Deadpan to Jupiter as she folds her arms] Was there a reason?

Sailor Jupiter:
Looks like they forgot.

Sailor Knight:
[Defensively] It wasn't my fault. The chapter started out that way.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] Good point.

Sailor Mercury:
[Covers her own ears] Don't worry, Ryo-chan. I can take care of it from now on. Just let me know when it's safe.

Sailor Knight:
[Nods as he starts to head over to where the other Senshi are walking] Right.

Sailor Venus:
[Grins as Knight approaches them] So, there you are, Ryo-kun. How's Ami-chan holding up?

Sailor Knight:
[Shrugs] She's holding out fine. [Glances toward the cluster of knights in front] How are the lessons in medieval
science going?

Sailor Mars:
[Frowns] Horribly. You know how the Earth is supposed to be round, right?

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks, then frowns] Don't tell me that....

Sailor Mars:
[Nods and gestures toward Arthur and Bedevere] Listen for yourself.

{Sailor Knight listens and starts to cringe slightly at hearing the blatent stupidity.}

Sailor Knight:
[Shudders] And I thought the bit about the cow tongue was bad....

Sailor Moon:
[Grimaces] Don't remind me. I'm getting queasy just thinking about it.

Sailor Knight:
[Glances at Sailor Moon] You thought it was that stupid as well?

Sailor Moon:
[Shakes her head] I just don't want to think about cow tongues. Disgusting!

Sailor Venus:
Just be glad you weren't here for the discussion on how bunny tails could be used for proper dental hygiene.

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] ...I don't want to know.

Sailor Venus:
[Nods understandingly] I get headaches just from thinking about it.

Sailor Moon:
Hey, I think they're almost done.

Bedevere:
[To Arthur as they... ride] And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

King Arthur:
[In astonishment] This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.

Sailor Moon:
[Deadpan] It amazes us, too.

Sailor Venus:
[Also deadpan] Only, in different ways.

King Arthur:
[To Bedevere] Explain again how sheep bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Senshi:
....

Bedevere:
Oh, certainly, sir.

Senshi:
[Emphatically] NO!!!

Launcelot:
[Stops and points] Look, my liege!

{All the knights reign in... well, themselves, and glance in the direction Launcelot pointed in. The Senshi stop as well
and stare as well. Sailor Mercury tenatively removes her hands from her ears, but keeps them ready just in case.}

King Arthur:
[Reverently] Camelot!

Galahad:
[Also reverently] Camelot!

Launcelot:
[Just as reverently] Camelot!

Patsy:
[Not reverently] It's only a model. [Shrugs]

Senshi:
....

Sailor Moon:
You mean, we've been traveling all this time, just to get to a model of a castle?

Sailor Venus:
You mean, that's the legendary Camelot? A model?

Sailor Mercury:
What is the ratio of size between that model and the original, I wonder?

Sailor Jupiter:
Did somebody steal the real castle and leave a model in its place?

Sailor Mars:
We went through all that nonsense, just to reach a model? [Grins evilly] Is it flammable?

Sailor Knight:
You mean, I had to suffer through one big rock after another dropped on me, just to reach this stupid fake?

Sailor Saturn:
I was almost burned at the stake for being a witch, and it was all just so we could reach this?

Sailor Uranus:
What kind of stupidity is that idiot babbling about now? Can't he tell that's not a real castle? [To Neptune and
Pluto] Please, remind me again of why we're doing this.

Sailor Neptune:
[Calmly] Eventually, that idiot - as you so rightfully label him - will lead us to the Holy Grail. Right, Setsuna?

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] That is correct. Until he finds the Holy Grail, all we can do is follow him wherever he or his knights go.

Sailor Uranus:
[Blinks] Now we have to follow the whole lot of them? The moron with the crown was bad enough. When did 'he will
lead you to the Holy Grail' become 'they will lead you to the Holy Grail?'

{A sign appears with the words "When I changed it. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Evenly] I believe that answers your question.

King Arthur:
[Turns back toward the others] Shh! [Back to the knights] Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride
to... Camelot!


-------------------------------------------------


{Inside the grand hall of the castle of Camelot, the decor is pretty much what you would expect of any medieval castle, so I
won't bore you with the details. A feast is currently underway and, as usual, there is singing and dancing. However, what is
different about this certain castle and this certain feast is that the singing and dancing is certainly NOT what you'd
expect from any medieval castle. How? Well... look for yourself.}

Camelot Knights:
[Singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impec-cable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

{And now, they dance.}

We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formid-able,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

{And now, once again, they dance.}

Prisoner:
[While hanging by his elbows in the castle dungeon] .... [Starts clapping in time to the music and smiling] ....
[Clap, clap, clap, clap]

{And now, after a pointless break from the dancing, they dance. They tap-dance. They play the drums using a pair of ladles
for drumsticks and metal pots and a passing servant's head for drums. I bet that hurts. They break cheap imitation-rosewood
tables as they dance. They dance the Can-can. Very nice. They do the Hokey-pokey and they turn themselves about, because,
after all, that's what it's all about. At any rate, they cavort about like a bunch of.... Well, to make a long story short,
they dance.}

Camelot Knights:
[Still singing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatig-able.
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.

Solo Knight:
[In a deep baritone voice]
I have to push the pram a lot.

{The big finish, and then we're done. Yay. Okay, now that that nonsense is over, back outside with the lot of you. Go on.
Get going! What, are you still here? You have a story to continue reading! Go! GO NOW!!!}


-------------------------------------------------


Senshi:
[Very big sweatdrops] ....

King Arthur:
[Impassively as he turns to leave] Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Knights:
[Also impassively as they turn to follow him] Right, right....

Sailor Uranus:
[While she and the other Senshi are staring blankly at the Camelot model] What in the hell was THAT?!?

Sailor Mercury:
[Twitches] ....

Sailor Uranus:
[To Mercury] Now don't you start THAT again!

Sailor Mercury:
[Stops twitching] Sorry.

Sailor Moon:
[Starts to giggle] Actually....

Sailor Mars:
[Glances at Sailor Moon] What's so funny, Usagi?

Sailor Moon:
[Gestures toward the model] All that. Didn't you find it funny?

Sailor Mars:
[Starts to giggle as well] Well.... Now that you mention it....

Sailor Venus:
[Also starts to giggle] And that dancing! And I thought I was bad....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Starts to laugh] Yeah, that was horrible! And that song!

Sailor Mercury:
[Also starts to giggle] I certainly have to agree. Those rhymes were awful! Especially since to had to mispronounce
some of the words to make them rhyme.

Sailor Saturn:
[To Knight] Ryo-oniichan, what's a pram?

Sailor Knight:
[Frowns in thought] I think you'll have to ask Minako-chan about that one. She'd know more about that than I would,
since she's been in England before.

Sailor Venus:
[As she stifles her giggles momentarily] Hotaru-chan, a pram is short for a perambulator, which is what they call a
baby carriage.

Sailor Saturn:
[Blinks in realization] Oh! So, that's what he meant by pushing a pram?

Sailor Moon:
[Still giggling] Hey... wouldn't it be funny if we started doing that? Just for fun?

Sailor Knight:
[Smirking] Well, why don't you?

Sailor Moon:
[Pauses for a moment, blinks, then grins] Yeah! Why not? [To the other Inner Senshi] You want to give it a try?

Inner Senshi:
All right!

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] It is times like this that I'm glad that I've become an intermediary Senshi.

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinks in realization] Oh, that's right! I keep thinking you're still an Inner Senshi.

Sailor Knight:
I haven't been an Inner Senshi since the Amazon Trio, Michiru-san. Well, not in the same way, at least.

Sailor Moon:
[To the Inner Senshi] Ready?

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Why me?

Sailor Saturn:
Can I play along?

Sailor Moon:
[Cheerily] Yeah! Come on, Hotaru-chan! It'll be fun!

Sailor Knight:
[To Uranus and Neptune] Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault.

Sailor Uranus/Neptune:
[Flatly] Right....

Inner Senshi/Sailor Saturn:
[Singing]
They're Knights of the Round Table.
Straight out of some dumb fable.
They get into fights with men in tights;
Like stuff you'd see on cable.
They all have fun in Camelot.
They all go hop up and down a lot.

{They all start to dance like idiots. While they do that, Knight, Uranus and Neptune all watch and sweatdrop.}

Sailor Knight:
[Mortified] Please tell me they're not doing what I think they're doing.

Sailor Neptune:
[Also mortified] I wish I could, Ryo-kun. I really wish I could.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirks] You know what? I bet people would pay to see this.

Sailor Knight/Neptune:
[Shocked] No!!!

Sailor Uranus:
[Laughs] Suit yourselves. I'll just enjoy the show, then.

Sailor Pluto:
[With a placid, yet resigned expression on her face as she mutters to herself] Damn you, Jason-san. Why did you have
to seal off my access to the timegate?

{A sign appears in front of Pluto with the words "I'm not letting you off the hook that easily, Setsuna-san. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] I'm not sure if I prefer all those years of guarding the timegate in solitude to this....

{The Inner Senshi and Saturn stop their inane dancing and begin their next verse, much to the dismay of everyone present,
including the knights with King Arthur, who have finally realized that they were being ridiculed. Took them long enough.}

King Arthur:
[Frowns] It was because we were facing the opposite direction. We do not have eyes on the backs of our heads, you
know.

{A likely excuse.}

King Arthur:
[Indignantly] It's true!

{Whatever.}

Prisoner:
.... [Clap, clap, clap, clap]

Sailor Knight/Neptune/Uranus:
[Irritably] Now don't you start!!!

Prisoner:
[Stops clapping] Well, excuse me!

Inner Senshi/Sailor Saturn:
[Still singing]
They're Knights of the Round Table.
Their horses are invis-able.
Their riding skills use coconut shells;
They're mentally unstable.
They're all nuts in Camelot....

{They all look expectantly at Sailor Knight, who just gives them a blank look.}

Sailor Knight:
[Warily] What? Don't tell me you want me to finish that stupid song?

Sailor Moon:
[Encouragingly] Come on, Ryo-kun!

Sailor Venus:
[Also encouragingly] It's fun! Come on!

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we all did it. Even Hotaru-chan's having fun with us!

Sailor Saturn:
[Smiling] Yes, this is so much fun! Come on, Ryo-oniichan!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Smirking] Come on, Ryo-chan. I know you want to do it. Just this last line, all right?

Sailor Mercury:
[Smiling] Please do it, Ryo-chan. It'll make you feel so much better.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirking] Go on ahead, Ryo-kun. I promise I won't tease you about it later. Well... not too much.

Sailor Neptune:
[Shakes her head] Haruka....

Sailor Uranus:
[Grins] What? You think I'm gonna let an opportunity to tease the guy just slip by like that?

Sailor Neptune:
[Sighs] I give up.

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] My sentiments exactly.

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Very well.

{Sailor Knight clears his throat, shakes his head ruefully again, then begins.}

Sailor Knight:
[Singing] I dress like Peter Pan a lot.

All:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Sailor Knight:
[Also sweatdrops] What? [Defensively] Hey, I had to think of something that would rhyme! That was the first thing
that came to mind. Stop looking at me like that.

Sailor Venus:
[Blinks] We never knew.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shakes her head] I'm so embarrassed.

Sailor Knight:
[Quickly] Hey! It's not true! I only SAID that since it rhymed!!!

Sailor Mercury:
[Hugs Knight] Don't worry, Ryo-chan. I don't mind. I still love you.

Sailor Knight:
[Faintly] Why won't anyone believe me...?

Sailor Uranus:
[Opens her mouth to say somethine, but stops] Nah....

Sailor Neptune:
[With an amazed expression] I'm surprised, Haruka. You're actually NOT going to tease him?

Sailor Uranus:
[Shakes her head] No. It's just not fun when it's too easy.

Sailor Knight:
[Indignantly] I heard that!!!


-------------------------------------------------


Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 5: The Quest for the Holy Grail

Questions? Comments? Déjà vu?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil