Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ The Quest for the Holy Grail ( Chapter 5 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


-------------------------------------------------


Chapter 5: The Quest for the Holy Grail


{After deciding to leave the silly place known as Camelot, King Arthur and the Sailor Senshi seemed to be wandering
aimlessly, not really knowning what to do next.}

Sailor Moon:
[Indignantly] We're not wandering aimlessly! We're following King Arthur!

Sailor Mars:
[Nods] That's right. They're the ones wandering aimlessly.

King Arthur:
[Crossly] That's not fair! We're waiting for the next part of the story to unfold. I mean, we can't just skip ahead.
It's just not done. [Pauses] Besides, the author's the one in charge of the story's progress. It's different with characters
like Dennis, but Jason.... [Grimaces] You want to try to force HIM to skip through the story?

All:
....

Bedevere:
[Nods sagely in agreement] There's no way we can force the story to continue, so we must wait until it happens.
Please, be patient.

Sailor Uranus:
[Mutters] It won't be easy, considering our present company.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] I'm sorry?

Sailor Uranus:
I said.... [Sighs] Oh, never mind.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Idly kicks a small rock] So, what're we gonna do while we wait for the story to continue?

Sailor Venus:
I know! How about a game of Simon Says?

King Arthur:
[Flatly] Children's games. I don't think so.

Sailor Venus:
[While pouting slightly] Why not?

King Arthur:
Because... [Nods his head toward Launcelot] Launcelot cheats.

Launcelot:
[Indignantly] I do not!

Bedevere:
You do so.

Launcelot:
[Still indignantly] I do not! Are you still sore over that last game?

Galahad:
[Accusingly] You moved your hands when King Arthur said 'Raise your hands' without saying 'Simon Says.' We all saw
you do it.

Launcelot:
[Protesting] I tell you, I did no such thing!

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly to Venus] Now look what you started.

Sailor Venus:
[Penitently] I'm so sorry.

Sailor Neptune:
[Tiredly] Can things get any worse?

{Suddenly, a loud thundering boom explodes within the clouds overhead. Everyone stares skyward as the clouds begin to open
and angels begin to sing.}

Sailor Saturn:
[To Neptune and Knight] Michiru-mama, Ryo-oniichan, what's happening?

Sailor Knight:
[To Neptune] You just had to go and say it, didn't you? Don't you know that asking if things can get any worse is
just like inviting things to become worse?

Sailor Neptune:
[Puts a hand to her head wearily] I'm sorry. I must've slipped.

Sailor Pluto:
[Fatalistically] It doesn't matter. Things were bound to get worse anyway.

Sailor Mercury:
[Frowns] What makes you say that, Setsuna-san?

Sailor Pluto:
[Points skyward] That's why.

{The Sailor Senshi all gasp as they recognize the face that had just appeared in the clouds.}

Sailor Mercury:
[In disbelief] No way....

Sailor Mars:
[Also in disbelief] Can't be....

Sailor Venus:
[Also in disbelief] Impossible....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Also in disbelief] No. Anyone but him....

Sailor Moon:
[Whimpers] I wanna go home....

Sailor Saturn:
[Worriedly clings to Neptune and Knight] ....

Sailor Knight:
[Scowls as he places a hand on Saturn's shoulder protectively] ....

Sailor Uranus:
[Angrily clenches her fists] You....

Sailor Neptune:
[Murmurs worriedly] I'm sorry I ever said anything....

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs and shakes her head] From bad to Hell....

King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:
[Surprised] What the hell are YOU doing there?!?

Jason:
[Singing stops as he rubs the back of his head in chagrin] Oops.... Sorry about this. I'm having a bit of technical
difficulty on my end, so I guess I'll have to fill in for now.

Sailor Uranus:
[Furiously] It's bad enough that you have near god-like capabilities in this story, but do you have to play the part
of GOD in this story, too? Are you trying to make some kind of point?!?

Jason:
[Frowns] Take it easy, Haruka-san. I said that I was having some technical difficulties. Some idiot decided to get
into my laptop and mess around with it while I left the room. I'm still working on the problems, but I have most of it under
control.

Sailor Mercury:
So, that's why it took so long for this chapter to get started?

Jason:
[Nods] That's why. [Sighs] Look, if you want this chapter to get any closer to the end, you're gonna have to work
with me on this, okay? [Grimaces] I don't exactly relish the idea of playing God, despite what the rest of you may think.

Sailor Moon:
[Nods] That would be fine with us.

Jason:
All right, then. [Clears his throat and waits for the thunder to boom again] Arthur, King of the Britons! [Waits]
.... [Frowns] You're supposed to be groveling.

King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:
[Exchanges looks and sighs] Fine.... [Kneels down to grovel]

Jason:
[Upset] Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand is people groveling.

King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:
[While giving Jason a flat stare] .... [Flatly] You just told us to grovel.

Jason:
Don't get upset. I'm just following the script.

Sailor Uranus:
[Chuckling to herself] You know, if he keeps this up, I might start to forgive him.

King Arthur:
[While exchanging put upon looks with the rest of the knights] Sorry.

Jason:
[While thunder booms] And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry' this and 'forgive me'
that and 'I'm not worthy.'

King Arthur:
[Testily] Look, can you do us a favor and get to the point?

{Jason points to a spot just above King Arthur, causing a big rock to appear. King Arthur quickly dives out of the way while
the Knights try to pretend that they don't share King Arthur's impatience.}

Jason:
[While grinning] I'm sorry, did you ask me something?

Sailor Uranus:
[While laughing out loud] I think I'm beginning to like this guy.

Jason:
[Smirks] I aim to please. [Gives King Arthur a significant look] Well?

{King Arthur sighs and starts to avert his eyes.}

Jason:
[While thunder booms again] What are you doing now?

King Arthur:
[Mutters under his breath] Like you don't know.... [Out loud] I'm averting my eyes. [Winces as Jason frowns and
starts to point again] ...O, Lord.

Jason:
[Nods and grins] Better. [Seriously] Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms - they're so depressing. Now,
knock it off!

King Arthur:
Yes, Lord.

Jason:
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in
these dark times.

King Arthur:
[With faked enthusiasm] Good idea, O Lord!

Jason:
[Frowns and speaks quietly] I shall ignore that mocking tone of voice. [In a normal tone] Of course it's a good
idea! Behold!

{Angels begin to sing as the image of a shining grail appears overhead.}

Jason:
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.

Sailor Moon:
[Frowns] Are you sure that's the Holy Grail? It looks different from the one I used to have.

King Arthur:
[Shocked] You used to possess the Holy Grail?!?

Sailor Moon:
[Nods] Yeah. But it was destroyed some time ago... or, so we thought. That's why we're here; to look for the Holy
Grail. [Frowns again] But, this one looks way different....

Jason:
[Cuts them off] Never mind that. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your
purpose, Arthur - the quest for the Holy Grail. [Singing stops and thunder booms as the cloud begin to close and he begins
to disappear along with the image of the grail]

Sailor Moon:
Um, excuse me!

Jason:
[Clouds open again] What is it?


Sailor Moon:
After King Arthur finds the Holy Grail, can we have it? I mean, you said he has to seek the Holy Grail. You never
said he had to keep it.

King Arthur:
Now, wait a minute....

Jason:
Well... okay. After all, that's why I brought you here, isn't it? [Thunder booms as the clouds close and he
disappears]

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Thanks!

King Arthur:
[Frowns] Well, isn't this just wonderful? We have to find it, but we can't keep it.

{A sign appears with the words "You got a problem with that? -Jason" on it.}

King Arthur:
[Shakes his head vigorously] No! No problem!

{A sign appears with the words "Good. Now say your lines. -Jason" on it.}

King Arthur:
[Sighs again] Slave driver.

Launcelot:
[Enthusiastically] A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!

Galahad:
[Also enthusiastically] God be praised!

Sailor Moon:
Whatever. Can we go now?


-------------------------------------------------

{And so, the quest for the Holy Grail finally was underway... and about time, too. All that precursory nonsense was starting
to get on my nerves. At any rate, the Knights of the Round Table and the Sailor Senshi all started on their journey to find
the Holy Grail... but, I said that already, didn't I? Anyway, their journey led them south toward yet another castle. The
fog from earlier had risen up again, but it wasn't as bad as before. Only a small thin layer of mist. Not much for obscuring
vision, but quite enough for visual effect... that is, if this was a movie. The whole lot of you are just going to have to
make due with using your imaginations, so I don't want to have to hear any complaining. I get enough of that with the Sailor
Senshi.}

Senshi:
[Indignantly] Hey!

{At any rate, after the whole crowd makes their way to the castle King Arthur signals for everyone to halt.

King Arthur:
[Raising his hand in the air] Halt!

{Patsy quickly rushes forward and raises a long medieval trumpet to his lips and blows, making a noise that is just barely
recognizable as coming from a medieval trumpet.}

King Arthur:
[Calls out to the castle] Hallo! [Waits, then signals for Patsy to blow again] Hallo!

{Finally, in response to his hailing, a single, funny-looking guard with a stupid, fake-looking handlebar moustache pops his
head over the wall.}

Guard:
[Indignantly] I am not funny-looking! And this moustache is real! Now, go soak your head, you silly narrator-type
person! I wave my uncovered bottom at you!

{...um, okay... [Sweatdrops] I think we'll just leave it at that.}

Guard:
[Turns to stare down at King Arthur] Allo! Who is it?

King Arthur:
[Loudly] It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

Guard:
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

Sailor Mercury:
[Curiously] Guy de Loimbard? That sounds... French.

Sailor Venus:
[Perplexed] French? But, we're in England, right?

King Arthur:
[Ignoring the Senshi] Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God-

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirking] Or, at least, a person with god-like abilities.

King Arthur:
[Ignoring Uranus] -with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our
quest for the Holy Grail.

Guard:
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh... he's already got one, you see.

King Arthur:
[Blinks and turns to the other Knights] What?

Galahad:
[Surprised] He says they've already got one!

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] There's no way that it's that easy. There's gotta be a catch somewhere.

Sailor Moon:
Oh, don't be so pessimistic, Ryo-kun.

Sailor Knight:
I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. You think Jason-san's going to let us off that easy?

Sailor Uranus:
[Nods] He's right. Something's bound to happen.

King Arthur:
[Turns back to the Guard] Are you sure he's got one?

Guard:
[Nods] Oh, yes. It's very nice. [Ducks down and whispers toward the other guards who are hiding out of sight] I told
him we already got one.

Other guards:
[Chuckling] ....

King Arthur:
[Glances uncertainly toward the other Knights] Well... um, can we come up and have a look?

Guard:
[Rudely] Of course not! You are English types!

Sailor Knight:
[To Sailor Moon] See?

Sailor Moon:
....

King Arthur:
[Exchanges confused glances with the other Knights] Well, what are you, then?

Guard:
[Proudly] I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?!?

Sailor Neptune:
You forget, this is a written story. The readers can't really tell that you have an accent, since they can't hear
you.

French guard:
[Blinks] Eh? [Frowns] Oh. I forgot.

Senshi:
....

Galahad:
[Insistantly] What are you doing in England?

French guard:
[Curtly] Mind your own business!

King Arthur:
[Growing impatient and angry as he draws his sword] If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by
force!

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] I hope that he realizes that when he says 'we', that doesn't include us.

Sailor Pluto:
[Shrugs] I'm sure he'll find out soon enough.

French guard:
[Tauntingly] You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons and daughters of a silly person!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Upset] Now, wait a minute! We're not English! We're Japanese! Don't include us with them!

French guard:
[Frowns uncertainly] Japanese? What are you doing in England?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Grins] Mind your own business!

French guard:
[Tauntingly again] Fine, then! I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King; you and all your silly English and
Japanese kniggets! [Sticks his tongue out at them]

Galahad:
[Frowns] What a strange person.

Sailor Saturn:
[To Pluto] Setsuna-mama, what is a knigget?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shakes her head] I'm not sure I even want to know, Hotaru-chan.

Senshi:
[Looking at Mercury] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Also shaking her head] I don't know, either.

Sailor Neptune:
[Shakes her head] The same goes for me, and I think Ryo-kun as well.

Sailor Knight:
[Nods] I don't have a clue, either, but I'm pretty sure it's not a complement.

Sailor Mars:
[Flatly] I think we've figured at least that much, Ryo-kun.

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Pardon me for trying to help.

King Arthur:
[Impatiently] Now look here, my good man....

French guard:
[Cuts King Arthur off] I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in
your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Sailor Moon:
[Puzzled] What are elderberries? I've never heard of those.

Sailor Mars:
[Frowns] I think he's just making things up now.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Irritated] He's taunting us like a little kid would!

Galahad:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

French guard:
[Curtly] No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Sailor Uranus:
[Frowns] Fair enough. Let's go. [Turns to leave]

King Arthur:
[Angrily] Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

French guard:
[Turns and whispers to the other guards] Fetchez la vache.

Other French guard:
[Confused] Quoi?

French guard:
[Whispering] Fetchez la vache. [Leaves the wall]

Sailor Knight:
[To King Arthur] Just forget them and let's go. I'm sure it's not here.

King Arthur:
[Ignoring Knight] If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall.... [Trails off after hearing a loud twong sound
accompanied by a loud mooing sound]

Sailor Knight:
[Pauses and glances up apprehensively] Did I just hear a 'moo'?

King Arthur:
[Looks up and sees a huge cow overhead] Christ!

Sailor Knight:
[Sighs] Not again....

{Everyone quickly begins to run away from the falling cow. Everyone manages to take cover, except for one of the servants,
who gets crushed underneath the massive bovine.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How horrible....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shakes her head] Crushed underneath a huge cow. What a terrible way to go....

Sailor Saturn:
[Points] Wait. I don't think he's dead.

Sailor Pluto:
[Looks] I think you're right, Hotaru-chan.

Patsy:
Well, the cast was small enough as it was. We couldn't well go off and start killing characters left and right, now
could we?

Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

King Arthur:
[Raises his sword] Right. Charge! [Runs toward the castle while yelling]

Knights:
[Also raising their swords] Charge! [Runs toward the castle while yelling]

Sailor Knight:
[Waves] Have fun sacking the castle! Bring us back something, will you?

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Presents?

Sailor Knight:
[Looks at Sailor Moon] I was making a joke, Usagi-chan.

Sailor Moon:
[Disappointed] Oh.

{As King Arthur and the Knights charge the castle, all of the French guards start tossing various barnyard animals over the
castle walls at them... but, no more cows, thankfully. Mostly small animals like chickens and a few piglets. Nevertheless,
the Knights have to go through complete mayhem just to reach the castle.}

French guard:
Hey, this one is for your mother! [Tosses a chicken at King Arthur] There you go!

{The Knights reach the castle and start laying into it with their swords. Unfortunately, they had neglected to take into
account that four sharpened 3½-meter lengths of steel - or even their plastic equivalents - would not make much of a scratch
in a 5-meter thick wall of stone.}

French guard:
And this one's for your dad! [Tosses a piglet at King Arthur]

{After realizing what an utterly stupid situation that he and his Knights were in, King Arthur decides to follow the most
logical decision that he could think of in a situation like this. In short....}

King Arthur:
[Shouting] Run away! [Runs away]

Knights:
[Also shouting] Run away! [Also runs away]

{As King Arthur and the Knights run away, the lead French guard sticks his tongue out at the fleeing Knights while the other
French guards continue taunting. As the Knights take cover again, they are chagrined and annoyed to find Sailor Knight and
Sailor Uranus in a fit of laughter at their expense. Both Senshi were just barely supporting each other while the others
merely stared at the Senshi with varying degrees of amusement, annoyance, or even stoicism.}

Sailor Saturn:
[Worried] Haruka-papa, Ryo-oniichan, if you two don't stop laughing so hard, you might die from lack of oxygen.

Sailor Knight:
[Laughing while leaning against Uranus] Maybe... Hotaru-chan... but... at least... I'll... die happy!

Sailor Uranus:
[Laughing while leaning against Knight] Kami-sama...! I haven't... laughed... so hard... since... I watched...
Ryo-kun... try to... teach... Usagi... martial arts!

Sailor Moon:
[Indignantly] Hey! I wasn't that bad! [To the other Senshi] Was I?

Senshi:
....

Sailor Moon:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Launcelot:
[Angrily] Fiends! I'll tear them apart! [Starts for the castle again, but King Arthur holds him back]

King Arthur:
[Quickly] No, no. No, no.

Bedevere:
[As Launcelot settles down] Sir! I have a plan, sir!

Sailor Mars:
[Dryly] Oh, this should be interesting.... [Glances back at Uranus and Knight and sees that they're still laughing,
and glares irritably] Oh, would you two just shut up already!

{After a good length of time had passed and Uranus and Knight had finally gotten over their laughing fit, Bedevere explained
his plan to the Knights and the Senshi, since he wanted their help in executing it. With some reluctance - and some
indignation on Sailor Moon's part - they finally decided to help, since they didn't want to stay there any longer than they
had to. Besides, it also gave them something to do besides waiting for the Knights to finish.}

Sailor Moon:
[Irritably] I still say that we should chose something different.

Sailor Mars:
[Sighs in vexation] Give up, Usagi. You were completely outvoted, so just deal with it.

Sailor Moon:
[Grumbles] Fine.

{As the lead French guard stood scanning the countryside for a sign that the Knights had returned, he began to hear some
strange sounds coming from the copse of trees that stood not too far from the castle, where the Knights had retreated to.
The sounds of sawing wood filled the air, accompanied by clunks and bangs and squeaking. A drill whirred, and more sawing
and clunking and crashing and banging and clanging followed.}

Male voice from within the trees:
[Bang] AAAAAAH!!!

Female voice from within the trees:
[Concernedly] Oh! I'm so sorry, Ryo-kun! I didn't see your hand there!

{After all the noises ceased, the French guard watched as the Knights and the Senshi pushed a huge wooden structure on
wheels toward the castle entrance. The large rabbit-shaped wooden structure - complete with fabric floppy ears - squeaked
and creaked as it was pushed up toward the castle entrance and then abandoned as the Knights and the Senshi ran back to
where they had first taken cover.}

French guard:
[Ducks back behind the wall and whispers to the other guards] C'est un lapin; lapin de bois. [Goes down to the
castle entrance and opens up the door and pokes his head out along with the other guards]

Other French guard:
[Puzzled] Quoi?

French guard:
Un cadeau.

Other French guard:
[Puzzled] What?

French guard:
A present.

Other French guard:
[Nods] Oh, un cadeau.

French guard:
[Nods] Oui, oui. Allons-y.

Other French guard:
[Confused] What?

French guard:
Let's go.

Other French guard:
Oh.

French guard:
[Frowns as he and the other guards surround the wooden rabbit] For a French guard, your French sucks.

Other French guard:
Shut up.

French guard:
On y va. Bon magne. [Looks to the other French guard] Over here....

{The other French guard gives him a dirty look as all the guards begin to push the wooden rabbit into the castle and close
the door behind them.}

King Arthur:
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?

Bedevere:
[Oblivious to the flat looks the Senshi are giving him] Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until
nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. [Eagerly] Not only by surprise, but totally
unarmed!

King Arthur:
[While suddenly realizing that something had gone wrong, especially from the sighs of vexation coming from the
Senshi] Who leaps out?

Bedevere:
[While pointing to each in turn] Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh.... [Finally
realizes his slip]

King Arthur:
[While he and the other Knights shake their heads in vexation] Ohh....

Sailor Mars:
[Sighs] So much for the Trojan Rabbit.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirks at Sailor Moon] You mean, the Trojan Usagi.

Sailor Moon:
[Testily] Okay, so my name means 'rabbit'! I still say we should've used a different animal.

Bedevere:
[Undaunted] Oh. Um, look. If we built this large wooden badger.... [Gets cut off as King Arthur smacks him upside
the head]

Sailor Knight:
[Glances up as the sound of something heavy being catapulted into the air reaches them] Did any of you hear a loud
'twong' sound just then?

King Arthur:
[Looks up to see the Trojan Rabbit hurtling through the air at them] Run away!

Sailor Knight:
[Eyes widen] Good idea.

All:
[While running away] Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

{As everyone ran away, the Trojan Rabbit finally hit the ground, crashing on top of the poor, unlucky servant the cow had
smashed not too long ago. Everyone was too busy to notice as they ran from the possibility of another aerial assault and the
taunting laughter of the French guards.}

King Arthur:
[While running] The resting place of the Holy Grail surely cannot be within the walls of that damned place. Surely
it must be elsewhere.

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] You think? I could've told you that.

{Since they were a safe distance from the castle, everyone slowed down and came to a stop.}

King Arthur:
[Pointedly ignoring Knight] Well then, we shall search elsewhere.

Galahad:
[Curiously] But where, sire?

King Arthur:
[Frowns in thought] I shall have to think about that. [Turns to leave] Come. We shall ride and think about the
course of action to take. [Hops away with the Knights and servants following, leaving the Senshi to walk behind them]

Sailor Mars:
Well, on the bright side, at least we're finally searching for the Holy Grail.

Sailor Neptune:
[Sighs] Yes, but it looks like it's going to be a long search.

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs and frowns] Isn't it always?


-------------------------------------------------


Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Robin

Questions? Comments? Do you have any idea what the hell a knigget is?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil