Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ The Tale of Sir Robin ( Chapter 6 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


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Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Robin


Narrator:
[Points] So, you want me to stand here?

Jason:
[Nods] Yes. We don't have a Historian since the person to was supposed to play that part was kidnapped, so I'll need
you to handle that part for me.

Narrator:
[Eyes widen] Kidnapped?!? How horrible. Do you know by who?

Jason:
[Grimaces] You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Narrator:
No, really. Who?

Jason:
[Sighs] All right.... He was kidnapped by Elvis impersonators.

Narrator:
....

Jason:
I told you you wouldn't believe me.

Narrator:
[Astonished look] Elvis impersonators???

Jason:
[Nods] I didn't believe it either... until I saw the cat driving the getaway car.

Narrator:
....

Jason:
[Seriously] Really. Ask the witnesses; one of them said that they caught the name of the cat driving the getaway
car. I believe his name was Toonces.

Narrator:
[Skeptically] ...so, how many drinks did you have before starting this chapter?

Jason:
[Blinks] Only three. Why?

Narrator:
[Nods] I thought as much. That's....

{Narrator is interrupted as a car pulls up toward them while the passenger in the front seat rolls down the window.
Inside, three Elvis impersonators are riding in the passenger seats while a white and orange calico cat is at the wheel.}

Elvis Impersonator:
[In an Elvis-like voice] Um, excuse me, but could you tell us where we are?

Narrator:
[Boggling] ....

Jason:
This is England, 932 A.D.

Elvis Impersonator:
[Still in his Elvis voice] You mean, this ain't Vegas?

Narrator:
[Still boggling] ....

Jason:
[Shakes head] Sorry, wrong country, continent, and era.

Elvis Impersonator:
[Frowns] Damn cat. I told you we should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque, Toonces!

Toonces:
[Testily] Meow!

Narrator:
[Finishes boggling, then decides to boggle some more for good measure] ....

Jason:
[Casually] By the way, where's that guy you people took with you a while ago?

Elvis Impersonator:
[Elvis voice] You mean that historian-type person? We let him go a long time ago. He said he was goin' home and
taking the rest of the year off. I think he mentioned something about mental therapy.

Jason:
[Nods] I see. Well, then.... [Whips out laptop and types for a bit, then points] Just go down that road over there
until you reach the stoplight, then make a left until you reach the tunnel. Follow that road and you'll eventually get to
where you're going.

Elvis Impersonator:
[Elvis voice] Thank you. Thank you very much. [To Toonces] Hit it, Toonces!

Toonces:
Meow! [Honks horn as they drive off]

{As the car drives down the road and out of sight, the Narrator finishes boggling and stares at Jason with a perplexed look
on his face.}

Narrator:
[Confused] What was that all about? You do realize that that whole sequence had absolutely nothing to do with Sailor
Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail, don't you?

Jason:
[Nods] You catch on pretty quick, don't you?

Narrator:
[Flatly] You are quite insane, you know.

Jason:
[Grins with a crazed, devilish look in his eyes] Really? I've never noticed. [Chuckles madly for a few seconds, then
gives the Narrator a flat, normal look] At any rate, I want you to stand there and read the historian's lines. After that,
we can get on with the story.

Narrator:
[Sweatdrops] ...okay. [Mutters to himself] How in the hell did I end up working for a lunatic, anyway?

Jason:
[Flatly] I heard that.

Narrator:
....

Jason:
[Starts to fade away] Just follow the damn script, all right? I wanna keep this story moving. [Grumbles as he fades
away completely]

Narrator:
[Snorts indignantly] Fine, then. [Clears throat and turns toward the reader] Defeat at the castle seems to have
utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became
convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights... and reluctantly, the Sailor Senshi as well, decided that they should
separate and search for the Grail individually.

Sailor Senshi:
[Indignantly] We heard that!!!

{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop
steadly coming closer toward him.}

Narrator:
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-

Narrator's Wife:
Frank!!!

Jason:
Oh, damn. Great. Since the narrator's dead from some stupid knight on a horse performing a medieval drive-by on him,
the parts in brackets have stopped as well. I'd better whip out the ol' laptop and start working on this....

Sailor Knight:
(Laptop: As the Sailor Senshi rush in following after the Narrator's wife) Oh, my God! They killed the narrator!

Sailor Uranus:
You bastards!

Narrator's Wife:
(Laptop: As the Narrator's wife clutches the Narrator's hand) Frank!!!

Sailor Mercury:
(Laptop: As she reads over my shoulder as I type this line) What are you doing, Jason-san?

Jason:
(Laptop: As I type this line as I turn toward Sailor Merc) Why the hell am I typing this as I'm performing the
action? Anyway, I'm typing in the actions as they happen, since the narrator's supposed to be the one supplying the parts
in brackets. Since he's slightly dead at the moment, I'm stepping in and adding those parts until I can get a new narrator.

Sailor Mercury:
(Laptop: Blinks and frowns in confusion as she watches me type out her actions) That seems slighty... tedious, don't
you think? Not to mention strange....

Jason:
(Laptop: As I) Oh, hell with it! We'll just be without the parts in brackets for a while.

Narrator's wife:
Call an ambulance! Call the police!

Sailor Moon:
Where's a phone?

Sailor Mars:
How should I know?

Sailor Moon:
I wasn't asking you, I was asking her.

Sailor Venus:
I don't know, either.

Sailor Moon:
No, I was asking her!

Sailor Saturn:
Me?

Sailor Moon:
No! Her! Can't you see who I'm pointing to?!?

Sailor Mercury:
Actually, we can't. This is a work of fiction in a psuedo-script format. Unless we can read the action, we won't
know who is doing what.

Sailor Knight:
So, I could be flipping Jason-kun off right now and he wouldn't know about it?

Sailor Pluto:
Not unless you tell him what you're doing.

Sailor Knight:
Why are you looking at me like that, Setsuna-san.... Oh.

Sailor Mercury:
Ryo-chan....

Sailor Neptune:
No, Usagi. I don't know, either.

Sailor Moon:
Not you! Her!!!

Sailor Jupiter:
Hell if I know where the phone's at. I thought this was supposed to be 932 A.D.?

Sailor Moon:
...oh, yeah. Well, why don't you tell her that?!?

Sailor Uranus:
Tell who that?

Sailor Moon:
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Jason:
Hello? Yes, my name is Jason Ulloa. I'd like to hire a temp narrator for my work. You see, the previous one died
because.... Ride-by slashing.... No, I don't know if he was insured.... Yes, I'll hold.


-------------------------------------------------
< br> Narrator:
[Uncertainly] You just want me to read the lines to the readers?

Jason:
[Nods] That's it. Don't worry; I'm sure that whatever happened to the last narrator won't happen to you.

Narrator:
[Still uncertainly] Whatever you say. I just hope you don't mind if I take out a life insurance policy in case a
rampaging berserker knight decides to perform a ride-by slashing on me as well.

Jason:
[Frowns] As you wish. At any rate, please continue from Scene 10. [Fades away]

Narrator:
Scene 10, huh? [Reads and flips through the script] Ah, here we are. [Clears throat] The Tale of Sir Robin.


-------------------------------------------------


{So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by
Sailor Mercury, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Saturn and his favorite minstrels. Sir Robin was currently riding in the lead with
his minstrels following closely behind. Sailor Mercury, Sailor Neptune and Sailor Saturn were all following a short distance
behind, talking amongst themselves.}

Sailor Saturn:
[Thoughtfully] I wonder how Haruka-papa, Ryo-oniichan, and the others are doing?

Sailor Neptune:
Quite an interesting grouping it turned out to be, don't you think, Ami-chan?

Sailor Mercury:
[Nods] I agree. I would've expected Ryo-chan and Haruka-san to pair up and go with Sir Galahad, but for Usagi-chan,
Rei-chan AND Setsuna-san to go with King Arthur and Sir Bedevere?

Sailor Neptune:
And for Mako-chan and Minako-chan to go with Sir Launcelot.... [Chuckles] Well, I suppose those two can keep him
from going overboard too far.

{As the three Sailor Senshi moved closer toward the group in front, they could hear the song that the singing minstrel was
singing in... honor of Sir Robin.}

Minstrel:
[Singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen-

Robin:
[Uneasily as the three Sailor Senshi sweatdrop] That's... that's, uh... that's enough music for now, lads. [Laughs
uneasily, they glances around] Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

{A pair of familiar-looking peasants walk by as the group rides... or rather, hops by.}

Dennis:
[Insistant] Anarcho-sydnicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

Woman:
[Dismissively] Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

{As the group makes their way around the two peasants in order to avoid a possible political discussion - since the last
attempt at a humorous political sketch in the second chapter didn't go as well as was hoped - they are suddenly stopped by
a large, three-headed knight standing in their path carrying a very large sword.}

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
Halt!

{One of the minstrels plays a dramatic chord on his lute. Another minstrel promptly smacks the previous minstrel in the back
of the head for being an idiot.}

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
[Ignoring the minstrels] Who art thou?

Minstrel:
[Singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-

Robin:
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [Nervously to the three-headed knight] Um... n-n-nobody, really. I'm j-j-just passing
through.

Sailor Mercury:
[Gestures to herself, then to Neptune and Saturn] I'm Sailor Mercury and they are Sailor Neptune and Sailor Saturn.

Sailor Saturn:
We are also just passing through.

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
What do you want?

Minstrel:
[Singing] To fight and-

Robin:
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [Nervously to the three-headed knight] Um... ah, nothing. Nothing, really. I... uh...
j-j-just... just to... um... just to p-pass through, good Sir Knight.

Sailor Neptune:
The same goes for us, as well. We wish to pass through.

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
I'm afraid not.

Sailor Neptune:
[Frowning] May I ask why not?

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
[Flatly] Because we said so.

Robin:
Ah. W-well, actually I.... I am a Knight of the Round Table.

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
[As all three heads swerve toward him at once] You're a Knight of the Round Table?

Robin:
[Confidently] I am.

Sailor Neptune:
[Wryly] As astonishing as it may be.

Left Head:
In that case, I shall have to kill you.

Middle Head:
[As Sir Robin visibly pales and the other three Senshi exchange looks] Shall I?

Right Head:
Oh, I don't think so.

Sailor Saturn:
Michiru-mama, Ami-chan, is that man really arguing with himself?

Sailor Mercury:
[Shakes her head] I'm not sure what to make of this.

Sailor Neptune:
[Sighs] And things are supposed to get worse, too....

Middle Head:
Well, what do I think?

Left Head:
[Insistantly] I think kill him.

Right Head:
Oh, let's be nice to him.

Left Head:
[To Right Head] Oh, shut up!

Robin:
[Uneasily] Perhaps I could-

Left Head:
[To Robin] And you. [To Right Head] Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

Right Head:
[Irritably] Oh, cut your own head off!

Middle Head:
[Nods] Yes, do us all a favor!

Left Head:
[Frowns] What?

Right Head:
Yapping on all the time.

Middle Head:
[Rolling his eyes] You're lucky. You're not next to him.

Left Head:
[Frowns] What do you mean?

Middle Head:
[Pointedly] You snore!

Left Head:
No, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

Middle Head:
Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

Right Head:
[Irritably] Oh, stop complaining and let's go have tea.

Left Head:
[Relenting] Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

Middle Head:
Yes.

Right Head:
Oh, not biscuits.

Left Head:
[Sighs] All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.

Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:
[All nodding at the same time] Right!

{The three-headed knight turned to face Sir Robin, only to find that he, his minstrels, and the three Sailor Senshi have
all left.}

Middle Head:
[Surprised] He buggered off.

Right Head:
So he has.

{As Sir Robin and the rest of the group rode... or rather, hopped away, the minstrel continued to play his song for Sir
Robin... only slightly modified.}

Minstrel:
[Singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away-

Robin:
[Indignantly] No!

Minstrel:
[Singing] Bravely ran away, away.

Robin:
[Still indignantly] I didn't!

Minstrel:
[Singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

Robin:
[In adamant denial] No!

Minstrel:
[Singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about-

Robin:
[Still in denial] I didn't!

Minstrel:
[Singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet-

Robin:
[Still absolutely refusing to get over it] I never did!

Minstrel:
[Singing] He beat a very brave retreat-

Robin:
[To anyone who is even bothering to listen to him] All lies!

Minstrel:
[Singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.

Robin:
[Refusing to shut up] I never!

Sailor Mercury:
[To Sailor Neptune] Do you think that going with him was a good idea?

Sailor Neptune:
[Grimaces] It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I think that it was a complete waste of time.

Sailor Saturn:
Michiru-mama, why did we run away? We could've handled that knight easily.

Sailor Neptune:
I know, Hotaru-chan, but I don't think we can just use our powers like that. Our powers are for fighting demons
like youma, Daimons, Lemures, and the like. Not for humans. [Grimaces again] Not even three-headed ones.

Sailor Saturn:
[Nods] I see.

Sailor Mercury:
[Sighs] At any rate, we should continue with our search. [Glances over at Sir Robin] Still, I wish Ryo-chan was
here. Even if we shouldn't use our powers here, he still has the Ginzuishouken. His sword would be more than enough to
handle things without having to use his powers.

Sailor Neptune:
[Nods] I know, but he's with Haruka and Sir Galahad. Not here. [Glances toward the horizon thoughtfully] Still, I
wonder how those two are doing....

Sailor Saturn:
[Grins] I'm not worried, Michiru-mama. After all, Haruka-papa is with Ryo-oniichan. With those two together, and
with Sir Galahad, what could possibly happen?

Sailor Mercury/Neptune:
[While exchanging looks] What, indeed...?


-------------------------------------------------< br>

{A bunny slowly hops into view.}

Bunny:
[Politely] Um, excuse me.

Jason:
Yes?

Bunny:
I couldn't help but notice that this chapter didn't have any bunnies in it.

Jason:
[Blinks and reads through the chapter] Hmm.... I didn't notice. Thanks for pointing that out.

Bunny:
[Nods] You're welcome, but I have something else I want to ask you.

Jason:
What is it?

Bunny:
[Tilts head inquisitively] Are you insane or something?

Jason:
[Sweatdrops] .... [Frowns] What do you mean by that?!?

Bunny:
Well, for one, since when do cats drive?

Jason:
When I say they do.

{A car suddenly drives by with a familiar white and orange calico cat at the wheel.}

Toonces:
[While honking the horn] Meow! Meow!

{The car with the cat driver drives offscreen.}

Jason:
[Points] See?

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] But that has nothing to do with Sailor Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Jason:
[Raises an eyebrow] So?

Bunny:
[Shakes head] If you're going to write a Sailor Moon/Monty Python and the Holy Grail parody, you have to remember to
stick with the two shows you're parodying. A driving cat and Elvis impersonators don't exactly fit into those categories.
They don't even make any sense.

Jason:
This is a parody. It doesn't have to make sense... and it more than likely won't.

Bunny:
[Flatly] I feel sorry for the readers of this story.

Jason:
They've been warned. The reading of this story is purely voluntary and any brain damage resulting from reading this
story is not the fault of the author.

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] Brain damage?

Jason:
Just in case.

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] Anyway, there is just one more thing that makes me wonder whether you are insane or not.

Jason:
[Frowns again] Which is?

Bunny:
You're talking to me. [Smirks] Silly human. You know that bunnies can't talk.

Jason:
[Facefaults] ....

Bunny:
Poor Jason. You've been writing so much that you're beginning to think that I can talk.

Jason:
But you ARE talking!

Bunny:
No, I'm not. This's all in your mind. [Giggles] See? My mouth isn't even moving.

Jason:
[Scowls] Now look here.... [Pauses, then grins maliciously]

Bunny:
[Giggles some more] Maybe you should seek some professional help before.... H-hey!!!

{Jason comes back from offscreen carrying Chibiusa in under one arm.}

Jason:
[Irritably] I thought that bunny's voice sounded familiar. [Watched as the bunny turns back into the Luna-P ball and
frowns at Chibiusa as he puts her down] I thought we made it clear that you weren't supposed to be in this story!

Chibiusa:
[Whining] That's not fair, Jason-san! I'm a Sailor Senshi, too!

Jason:
[Flatly] In training.

Chibiusa:
[Insistantly] But, I'm still a Senshi!

Jason:
[Sternly] I said, no. Now be a good girl and go back home, before I send you back home in a most unpleasant way.

Chibiusa:
[Blinks] What do you mean by 'unpleasant'?

{Jason bends down to whisper in Chibiusa's ear. As he does, her eyes grow wider and wider and her expression turns fearful.}

Chibiusa:
[Whispers] You wouldn't....

Jason:
[Grins] Not unless you test me.

Chibiusa:
[Nods] All right. I'll go. [Pouts] I still think that this isn't fair.

Jason:
[Dryly] Would you like the alternative?

{Chibiusa promptly dashes out.}

Jason:
[Grins] That's a good girl.


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< br>
Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 7: The Tale of Sir Galahad

Questions? Comments? Doubts about the author's sanity?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil