Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Everything You Want -Book One- Everything You Want ❯ The Hardest Thing (1996) ( Chapter 9 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: OrchydConstyne 
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 3 | Words: 1.4K | Visits: 191 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 3 | Words: 1.4K | Visits: 191 | Status: Completed
*We both know that I shouldn't be here
*This is wrong
*And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
*Both of us tryin' to be strong
*I've got somewhere else to be
*Promises to keep
*Someone else who loves me
*And trusts me fast asleep
Haruka looked out over the river, her slender body tight with emotion,
her mind a whirl with what would have to be said tonight. She looked
up into the dark night sky. The stars and moon were hidden tonight,
wispy clouds being blown by the cool wind. Rain was coming.
Appropriate somehow.
The soft clack of shoes was a dead giveaway that she was no longer
alone. On the breeze was the gentle sent of one who was obviously put
here to tempt her. And for her to tempt. Haruka looked down, her head
hung in defeat before looking up at the one who had called at two in
the morning.
"Why did you call me?"
"Haruka... I can't get you out of my mind... I don't know what to do.
I remember you... in such a way... burned into my mind." Usagi felt
the blush creep across her face. What was she doing there?
"That was a mistake!" Haruka barked over her shoulder. "I love her,
Koneko-chan... nothing can ever come of... these feelings... we may
have for each other. It's lust -- you have the Prince and I have
Michiru. Why can't you let this end?!"
Usagi watched Haruka turn her back on her to look at the water again.
Why had she called tonight? Why jeopardize everything? All over this
fast heartbeat, the heat deep in her belly, the sting from the harsh
words.
"Haruka..."
*I've made up my mind
*There is no turning back
*She's been good to me
*And she deserves better than that
"Understand. I..." Haruka stopped. She had to choke the words out. "I
do not love you." There. Said.
"Haruka..." The tears were coming.
Haruka turned. Bad idea. Big, blue eyes. So hurt. Haruka took her hand
and gently touched Usagi's face. Usagi turned her cheek into Haruka's
palm and sniffled.
"I know you don't. Or if you do, not that way or enough for us to
challenge the future. I know this. But why does it hurt so much?!"
Usagi cried out. "Why?!"
Haruka took Usagi's face in both her hands and gently bent to her
lips.
"It is our burden, Odango." And she kissed her. Deep, long; Haruka's
own lips trembling with sadness. She pulled away slowly and opened her
eyes to look deep into Usagi's pain.
"I cannot love you, Usagi. For us both, I cannot."
She let go and slowly backed away.
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to do
*To look you in the eye
*And tell you I don't love you
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to lie
*To show no emotion
*When you start to cry
*I can't let you see
*What you mean to me
*When my hands are tied
*And my heart's not free
"Michiru deserves better than me, you know that?" Haruka laughed
bitterly. "She is at our apartment, sleeping. Believing I am in the
bed with her. If not there, then in the bathroom or with Hotaru. The
point is she trusts me to be with her -- even after what I did to her
with you. Not with you. Not considering taking you and..." Haruka
shook her head, trying to get the image of Usagi out of her mind.
"Again."
"Haruka... it's just as much my fault. I am just a willful as you. I
share the blame for our actions." Usagi tried to remove some of the
blame from the older Senshi.
"Koneko-chan... we have come to an impasse. This must end tonight. I
am going back to my love. I am going to take her in my arms and hold
on tightly and try and forget you." Steel cold green eyes held soft
wet blue ones. "Do not call me again. I can't love you. We share a
lustfulness that amazes me, but that is all. Goodnight, Odango-Atama."
Haruka took a breath and walked past Usagi.
"Haruka!"
And kept walking.
"Haruka!"
'I will not turn around. Forgive me, Usagi. I love you so much it
burns! But, the future and Michiru mean too much to me to risk it
all.'
*We're not meant to be
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to do
*To turn around and walk away
*Pretending I don't love you
"Haruka..." The name was muffled somewhat by the layers of blankets
and sheets covering Usagi's mouth. She pushed her way through the mass
of twisted fabric until her head emerged into the light.
What she wouldn't have given in that moment for all her memories of
the previous night to be a dream; a nightmare of things that could
never be. But, a moment of clarity later, she remembered it all in
shockingly clear detail -- a sure sign of something that had
definitely happened.
It had taken all her strength to stand still as Haruka walked away.
Every impulse in her body tried to force Usagi to run after her. She'd
wanted desperately to transform into Sailor Moon so that she could
draw from the endless strength and determination she always felt
in that form, but she'd left her brooch at home.
That, and she knew how silly that sounded. She was Sailor Moon, after
all, and all those admirable qualities really were in her all along.
It was just buried sometimes. It was to her credit that she was able
to dig enough up last night to make a dignified exit and return to her
house with a minimum of tears.
*I know that we'll meet again
*Fate has a place and time
*So you can get on with your life
*I've got to be cruel to be kind
*Like Dr. Zhivago
*All my love I'll be sending
*And you will never know
*'Cause there can be no happy ending
Usagi sighed and pulled herself out of the bed. She glanced at the
alarm clock. Saturday. She wasn't even to be allowed the mundanity of
school to take her mind off her erstwhile lover. She suddenly
understood the expression "Cruel Fate" more fully than she'd ever
hoped she would.
At least she could count herself lucky that there was no supreme enemy
bearing down on them. No power that would bring the Senshi together to
combat; no reason to spend any more time around Haruka. Or was that
luck after all? She had no reason to see Haruka. No excuse to casually
run into her someplace. No way to see her again without her knowing.
Luck, or just another level of cruelty?
And she knew, deep down, that she as well as the other Senshi were
eternal. She had an eternity to pine for Haruka. Eventually they would
have their paths cross again, but for now... Usagi wondered how long
before they would see each other again. Usagi never understood why she
sought Haruka out. It trilled and shamed her at the same time. She had
no doubt she loved Mamoru... but after their night together... Usagi
thought of Haruka often.
Even when she lay with Mamoru.
*Maybe another time, another day
*As much as I want to, I can't stay
*I've made up my mind
*There is no turning back
*She's been good to me
*And she deserves better than that
"Are you not hungry, Haruka-papa?"
"Yes, Haruka. Please try and eat something."
"Michiru-mama says you have to take two bites out of everything on
your plate."
A light broke in Haruka's eyes and a smile tugged at her lips. "Very
sensible advice, Hotaru. Your Michiru-mama is a very sensible woman."
She winked at the green-haired woman and placed a hand on her thigh,
giving it an affectionate squeeze.
Haruka made a show of eating, a display that made Hotaru giggle and
Michiru glower. "Be careful, love, or your face may freeze that way."
Michiru raised an eyebrow. "And will you still love me if it does?"
Their eyes met. Slowly, all the humor slid from them, as Haruka said,
more earnestly than she'd ever said anything, "Always."
'Until we meet again, Odango. Love your Prince. The best of everything
I wish you. I'll see you on the other side of time.
'I love you.'
*This is wrong
*And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
*Both of us tryin' to be strong
*I've got somewhere else to be
*Promises to keep
*Someone else who loves me
*And trusts me fast asleep
Haruka looked out over the river, her slender body tight with emotion,
her mind a whirl with what would have to be said tonight. She looked
up into the dark night sky. The stars and moon were hidden tonight,
wispy clouds being blown by the cool wind. Rain was coming.
Appropriate somehow.
The soft clack of shoes was a dead giveaway that she was no longer
alone. On the breeze was the gentle sent of one who was obviously put
here to tempt her. And for her to tempt. Haruka looked down, her head
hung in defeat before looking up at the one who had called at two in
the morning.
"Why did you call me?"
"Haruka... I can't get you out of my mind... I don't know what to do.
I remember you... in such a way... burned into my mind." Usagi felt
the blush creep across her face. What was she doing there?
"That was a mistake!" Haruka barked over her shoulder. "I love her,
Koneko-chan... nothing can ever come of... these feelings... we may
have for each other. It's lust -- you have the Prince and I have
Michiru. Why can't you let this end?!"
Usagi watched Haruka turn her back on her to look at the water again.
Why had she called tonight? Why jeopardize everything? All over this
fast heartbeat, the heat deep in her belly, the sting from the harsh
words.
"Haruka..."
*I've made up my mind
*There is no turning back
*She's been good to me
*And she deserves better than that
"Understand. I..." Haruka stopped. She had to choke the words out. "I
do not love you." There. Said.
"Haruka..." The tears were coming.
Haruka turned. Bad idea. Big, blue eyes. So hurt. Haruka took her hand
and gently touched Usagi's face. Usagi turned her cheek into Haruka's
palm and sniffled.
"I know you don't. Or if you do, not that way or enough for us to
challenge the future. I know this. But why does it hurt so much?!"
Usagi cried out. "Why?!"
Haruka took Usagi's face in both her hands and gently bent to her
lips.
"It is our burden, Odango." And she kissed her. Deep, long; Haruka's
own lips trembling with sadness. She pulled away slowly and opened her
eyes to look deep into Usagi's pain.
"I cannot love you, Usagi. For us both, I cannot."
She let go and slowly backed away.
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to do
*To look you in the eye
*And tell you I don't love you
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to lie
*To show no emotion
*When you start to cry
*I can't let you see
*What you mean to me
*When my hands are tied
*And my heart's not free
"Michiru deserves better than me, you know that?" Haruka laughed
bitterly. "She is at our apartment, sleeping. Believing I am in the
bed with her. If not there, then in the bathroom or with Hotaru. The
point is she trusts me to be with her -- even after what I did to her
with you. Not with you. Not considering taking you and..." Haruka
shook her head, trying to get the image of Usagi out of her mind.
"Again."
"Haruka... it's just as much my fault. I am just a willful as you. I
share the blame for our actions." Usagi tried to remove some of the
blame from the older Senshi.
"Koneko-chan... we have come to an impasse. This must end tonight. I
am going back to my love. I am going to take her in my arms and hold
on tightly and try and forget you." Steel cold green eyes held soft
wet blue ones. "Do not call me again. I can't love you. We share a
lustfulness that amazes me, but that is all. Goodnight, Odango-Atama."
Haruka took a breath and walked past Usagi.
"Haruka!"
And kept walking.
"Haruka!"
'I will not turn around. Forgive me, Usagi. I love you so much it
burns! But, the future and Michiru mean too much to me to risk it
all.'
*We're not meant to be
*It's the hardest thing
*I'll ever have to do
*To turn around and walk away
*Pretending I don't love you
"Haruka..." The name was muffled somewhat by the layers of blankets
and sheets covering Usagi's mouth. She pushed her way through the mass
of twisted fabric until her head emerged into the light.
What she wouldn't have given in that moment for all her memories of
the previous night to be a dream; a nightmare of things that could
never be. But, a moment of clarity later, she remembered it all in
shockingly clear detail -- a sure sign of something that had
definitely happened.
It had taken all her strength to stand still as Haruka walked away.
Every impulse in her body tried to force Usagi to run after her. She'd
wanted desperately to transform into Sailor Moon so that she could
draw from the endless strength and determination she always felt
in that form, but she'd left her brooch at home.
That, and she knew how silly that sounded. She was Sailor Moon, after
all, and all those admirable qualities really were in her all along.
It was just buried sometimes. It was to her credit that she was able
to dig enough up last night to make a dignified exit and return to her
house with a minimum of tears.
*I know that we'll meet again
*Fate has a place and time
*So you can get on with your life
*I've got to be cruel to be kind
*Like Dr. Zhivago
*All my love I'll be sending
*And you will never know
*'Cause there can be no happy ending
Usagi sighed and pulled herself out of the bed. She glanced at the
alarm clock. Saturday. She wasn't even to be allowed the mundanity of
school to take her mind off her erstwhile lover. She suddenly
understood the expression "Cruel Fate" more fully than she'd ever
hoped she would.
At least she could count herself lucky that there was no supreme enemy
bearing down on them. No power that would bring the Senshi together to
combat; no reason to spend any more time around Haruka. Or was that
luck after all? She had no reason to see Haruka. No excuse to casually
run into her someplace. No way to see her again without her knowing.
Luck, or just another level of cruelty?
And she knew, deep down, that she as well as the other Senshi were
eternal. She had an eternity to pine for Haruka. Eventually they would
have their paths cross again, but for now... Usagi wondered how long
before they would see each other again. Usagi never understood why she
sought Haruka out. It trilled and shamed her at the same time. She had
no doubt she loved Mamoru... but after their night together... Usagi
thought of Haruka often.
Even when she lay with Mamoru.
*Maybe another time, another day
*As much as I want to, I can't stay
*I've made up my mind
*There is no turning back
*She's been good to me
*And she deserves better than that
"Are you not hungry, Haruka-papa?"
"Yes, Haruka. Please try and eat something."
"Michiru-mama says you have to take two bites out of everything on
your plate."
A light broke in Haruka's eyes and a smile tugged at her lips. "Very
sensible advice, Hotaru. Your Michiru-mama is a very sensible woman."
She winked at the green-haired woman and placed a hand on her thigh,
giving it an affectionate squeeze.
Haruka made a show of eating, a display that made Hotaru giggle and
Michiru glower. "Be careful, love, or your face may freeze that way."
Michiru raised an eyebrow. "And will you still love me if it does?"
Their eyes met. Slowly, all the humor slid from them, as Haruka said,
more earnestly than she'd ever said anything, "Always."
'Until we meet again, Odango. Love your Prince. The best of everything
I wish you. I'll see you on the other side of time.
'I love you.'