Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Fading Away From Me ❯ One-Shot

Fading Away From Me

By: The Firefaery

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon.

************

Oh, how the years have passed. Things are so different now. The crystal city spreads out before my eyes, the facets throwing off a multitude of rainbow sparks. On mornings like this, when the days of old come back to me, and all the struggles we've had, the beauty of it all brings tears to those same eyes. I see my reflection in the eyes of my people, and realize how young I still look. It's strange to think of myself as young, I feel so old inside.

I am the queen of Crystal Tokyo, and High Consulate of the Universal Council. Serenity, of the line of Serenity, daughter of Queen Serenity, once ruler of the fallen Silver Millennium. I was once known as Tsukino Usagi, alias Sailor Moon. Earth is at peace, the rest of the universe is close to attaining it, and contact has been made with other dimensions in need of aid. I have lived for three thousand years or more; long ago the years sank into infinity.

My Senshi, my beloved friends, staunch protectors, have all faded into the after life, save for four. Pluto, who is eternal, as am I. She will guard the Gates of Time for as long as there is such a thing. Uranus and Neptune, who I think, will never give up the fight. They disappear for years on end, sometimes centuries, and patrol the outer kingdoms of the expansive universe. They need only each other to live on. And the last of the inners, my strongest protector, my closest friend, my nagging conscious; Mars.

Rei has been there from the beginning. Always at my side, goading me forward, pushing me on. She is like a sister to me, or…a lover. She, of all the Inners, never married, never bore an heir, never left me. Now, though, perhaps there is a chance…

Ami was the first to die. She has been gone for almost two thousand of my long years. She came to me, though, and asked permission. Imagine, asking permission to die. Her heart wasn't in her life anymore. She felt the need to let others discover the new wonders of knowledge. How could I deny her? The girl who had helped me through school still shone in her face. On a rainy day in September, the Senshi of Mercury faded away.

Her daughter, Riako, took her station as the new Mercury. After Riako came Miho, and after her…So you see. And there was no Ami. Maybe if there had been…if she were here now…

Makoto followed soonest, the tall, stately Jupiter finally joining her parents in the next world. And her, too, I could not deny. And so, one more friend was gone. Saori took Makoto's place, and amazingly is still here. Ah, but I miss the midnight kitchen raids, sneaking nibbles of that morning's pastry or that night's dessert. No one cooks like Mako.

Luna and Artemis went together, Luna saying that I no longer needed her, and that Minako had long outgrown Artemis as well. Diana was and always will be advisor to my daughter, and I lost two dear friends. I had known Luna from the first, and Minako was similarly affected.

Hotaru slipped away in the night, and I have yet to find where she went. My own daughter, Chibi-Usa, took the news better then I expected, and I suspect she knows exactly where her friend is. It comforts me, to know that she will come back to support Usa, after…

Finally, Minako. Golden Minako, the light of Venus always shining through her. When her third husband died, seven hundred years ago, she chased after him in her sleep the next night. She visited me in my dreams, and bade farewell. I woke up with tears on my pillow. Her only child, Ai, became Venus. She was a paler, quieter version of her mother, and two hundred years ago, faded away as well. She left a son, surprisingly, as her heir. His name is Kayo, and I have seen the way Usa and he look at each other. I suspect soon there will be an alliance between Venus and the Moon.

I never connected with the new Senshi, though. To them, I was always a queen. Always their queen. They had no memories of my beginnings as Usagi, or my flirtations as Princess Serenity on the White Moon. They can not replace what I have lost. And I would not want them to.

But yes, the real reason for all this. You may have noticed, I left out one person. My other half, I suppose he is. My love for him still aches in my heart. We've had our fights, over the years. A perfect relationship is one without growth. But the last one…the last one was the worst. I found him with another woman. In our very own bed, spooned together as I did with him almost every night. I still don't know her name, and she is long dead, I know. She was only human, after all. He broke my heart, broke my trust, tarnished our love.

Endymion. Mamoru. Father of my daughter, king to my queen, lover to my love. He left me, and I knew then that he regretted what he'd done. But he, like Saturn, I could not find. For four hundred years, the throne beside me stood empty. For four hundred years, Uranus and Neptune laid spy nets throughout the universe, and found nothing. They even took on searches themselves, and came back to me, empty handed. And Pluto stood as a silent witness, knowledge of the future echoing in her garnet gaze. Rei was always there, supporting me, comforting me…loving me.

I swore when we were married, I would never betray him. And I have kept that vow. But it has been so hard…I see the desire in the Senshi of Mars' eyes, I see her hand, bare of a wedding ring. I see her womb, empty of an heir. And when he left, it became all the harder, because now, if I wished, I could pursue her, and none would blame me. Even my daughter understood, and many non-too-subtle hints were given to me. But Rei understood why I never came to her, and I knew she would never come to me.

Then, a year ago…what a short time…I had a dream. In it, I was a watcher, observing a discussion between two old companions. With the passing of the original Senshi, and the often absent Neptune and Uranus, Pluto and Mars often see each other and talk of the old days. This was one such time. They were relaxed in Rei's chambers, and the hour was late; darkness seeped in from the balcony across the room.

* "It's time, Rei. Choose a man, and produce an heir, or watch the line of Mars fade with you." Setsuna's chilling words seemed harsh compared to the softness of the rest of my dream setting.

"Are you sure, Setsuna? I can find within myself no inclination to fade away. Serenity still lives, and I live with her." Rei's voice was her usual sultry tenor, and her expression was that of denial and fear.

"I am sure. Create an heir, or break your line. You have not much more then a year, perhaps a little more. I understand it's difficult to accept, but as your friend…" and here, Setsuna's cold expression, one that echoed Pluto's blank face, melted into one of caring. "I do not wish to see all remnants of your fire fade from this world. Please, Rei, choose a man. Have a child…I know you've wanted one ever since Ami had her daughter, millennia ago." This peace of information was news to me, as Rei had never hinted that she longed for a maternal role.

"I…I understand, my friend. I will do as you say…and wait to see what this coming year brings." As I slipped from the vague, ominous scene into another, more regular dream, for a moment, garnet eyes pierced the veil of sleep, and I knew this wasn't a dream, but a sending from Pluto, to warn me of something. To warn me, perhaps, of Rei's death.

And then, two months later, after it had slipped from the front of my mind into a dark little corner, Rei asked to speak to me alone one afternoon. I readily agreed, and we walked to the private royal gardens. We sat in silence on a smooth white marble bench, just enjoying the solitude and quiet of the isolated gardens, after the hustle and turmoil of a day at court. I wondered what could be bothering her, but refrained from asking, letting her speak when she was ready. Finally…

"Sere…no, Usagi-chan?" her use of my old name brought home the seriousness of the occasion. I met her gaze worriedly. "I have something to tell you. It's probably not something you were expecting, but…well…I have my reasons." Her eyes flitted around the garden, not really focusing on anything.

"Nani? Tell me what's wrong, Rei. I'm listening," I prompted, feeling a fist of apprehension tighten around my heart. She looked at me and gave me a half-smile.

"There's nothing wrong, Usagi-chan. I'm going to have a baby." She gave me a real smile, then. I was flabbergasted, to say the least, even though I'd had warning.

"Oh…Oh! Rei-chan, that's wonderful! Congratulations!" I cried, and I spontaneously leaned over and hugged her. After a moment's hesitation, she returned it. Holding her like that, feeling her happiness, it made me realize how lonely I'd been, without Endymion. It made me wish, for a moment, that I weren't so faithful. I felt tears in my eyes, too, realizing that the only ones who would have celebrated with us were gone, except perhaps Setsuna. Chibi-Usa had her own circle now, and the Outer pair, Uranus and Neptune, were once more out on a mission of their own making.

"I wish…I miss the others, Usagi. I wish they were here, like I was for them and their first babies. I have waited for so long for this moment… I'm glad that at least you're here to share it with me." And I realized that Rei, too, felt the lacking in our lives. We were out-living our time. We broke off the hug, but we each kept an arm around the other, leaning against each other for support.

"I understand, Rei, I miss them so much, every day." I sighed sadly. "And I miss Endymion, even though…" Once, the comment would have thrown Rei into a fit, but now, she only nodded. It all felt so subdued, like our souls knew something that we didn't, as though a new future was coming, and it wasn't for us. "I'm curious, though, Rei-chan…who is the father? You haven't gotten secretly married as well, have you?" I joked, relieving some of the tension. She laughed softly.

"No, I'm not married. His name is Nagasaki Konichi." She smiled, waiting for my reaction. I was stunned.

"You mean, Captain Nagasaki of my Palace Guard? Rei!" And I started laughing. She nodded.

"I went to him as Hino Rei, not Sailor Mars of Serenity's Senshi. And I will never tell him. It's better this way…I can raise the baby as a Senshi should be…" as she said this, a wistful look came over her face, and a pang of fear swept through me. She was acting as though she wouldn't be here to raise her baby.

"It's hard to imagine you having a tryst with a palace guard. It seems so whimsical…unlike you." I gently teased, nudging her. She laughed again. It was good to hear her laugh, we didn't do it together often enough. "How far are you along? Do you know the sex yet?" I asked, getting excited. Because of my disconnection with the newer Senshi, while I always knew about new children, or deaths in the families of my old friends, I was never really a part of it, the love or sorrow. With Rei, I would be up close and personal. She would need me, too.

The months seemed to fly by, and Rei and I watched in anticipation as her stomach slowly grew. We spent more time together then than we had in years. I became so close with her, it was like we were girls again, first learning our powers. She nagged me, and we bickered, and there was ribbing about how late I used to be for everything. There was some surprise in the court when Sailor Mars started stretching her fuku. All were amazed to see the long single Senshi pregnant, with no husband in sight. There was even speculation that perhaps the father was actually a woman, strange as that may seem…and that the woman was me.

The idea at first surprised me, not only because it was normally biologically impossible for two women to have a child together, but that they would think I had taken a lover. It came to me, though, that I had been alone four hundred years, and while that seemed a relatively short amount of time to me, none of the people here would have likely ever seen Endymion in the flesh. Even their grandparents wouldn't recognize him, most likely. Though I and my soldiers were eternal, the people of my kingdom were not. They might not think it strange for their queen to want and take a companion. And was I not a goddess, practically? Couldn't I have a child by a woman, if I so chose?

All the theories left my mind, though, as one day in April, Rei went into labor. We were having lunch with Setsuna, chatting pleasantly and discussing names for the baby, when Setsuna suddenly set down her cup and clasped Rei's hand. Just then, a ripple of muscle spasming spread across her stomach, the first contraction. Her eyes widened, and she smiled happily at the prospect of having her baby. Between Setsuna and I, we got her to the palace infirmary, and nine hours later, a beautiful baby girl was born. Hino Sarahi. She was complete, with a thick, though short, head of dark black hair with subtle purple highlights, and a stark pair of shimmering green eyes. Rei told me later that they came from her father. I was proudly named her godmother, and I loved her immediately. She reminded me of my own daughter as a newborn.

A month later, I walked slowly around the gardens with her as her mother took a needed rest in their chambers. I cradled her small body against my chest, rocking her gently as I crooned a soft lullaby of sleep. I stared down at her, watching her eyes slip closed, and her tiny thumb being sucked in her perfect mouth, and I had to smile. She looked so much like Rei, even this young. And I could feel that this would be Rei's heir to the mantle of Mars. I didn't notice or hear the figure come into the garden, and a purposeful scuff of a boot brought my head up sharply.

I stared in shock at the figure standing before me. Four hundred years had passed, and I knew I looked the same as the day he had left. He, on the other hand, had changed drastically. While I looked perhaps in my mid-twenties, though my true age showed in my eyes, he looked like he had seen three thousand years or more. An old man stood before me. Old and tired. I gasped.

"E-endymion… You're…you're back." I could only stare at him, surprised and afraid at his aged appearance. What had happened to him? His eyes were only for the baby in my arms.

"Usako…is that? Who's…" I could see where his thoughts had gone, and I grew angry. I tried to be quiet, though, so as not to wake Sarahi.

"No, Endymion, she is not mine. This Sarahi, Rei's daughter. I have been faithful, even for these four centuries without you." I glared at him, hurt that he would think so low of me as to have a child by another man. He had the grace to look ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply…" He stopped speaking for a moment, and let out a tired, almost defeated sigh. His eyes, still that heart-stopping deep blue I could always drown in, looked into mine, and fear slowly crept into my soul. My soul, of which half belonged to him, even still.

"What is it? How is it that you've come to look like this? We don't age, yet you have…" I trailed off, unconsciously clutching the baby closer to me.

"When I left, the Ginzoushoi's power, that keeps you eternal, began to fade. Perhaps it no longer recognized me as a worthy candidate for immortality. Though it took over four hundred years, I am now an old, old man, and…" At this point, he swallowed painfully, and tears came to my eyes. "I have returned home to die." When these words were spoken, I felt a sense of inevitability settle around me. This was what Pluto was warning me of. A sob escaped my throat, and I took a step towards him. Oh, I loved him still.

"No…It can't be true! You can't die, Mamo-chan!" He opened his arms, and without a second thought, I stepped into them. He held me close, and it felt so good to be in his arms again after so long. The baby was still cradled between us, but she never stirred. He gently stroked my hair, kissing the top of my head.

"I was a fool, Serenity. What I did, all those years ago, I have regretted ever since. When I realized I was aging, I couldn't bring myself to return, and show before all how I had failed, and fallen from favor. I am so sorry, for betraying you, for betraying our love, our marriage. Can you forgive me?" he asked, whispering it into my hair. I lifted my head and looked at him.

"I was ready to forgive you many years ago, when I realized you weren't coming back. What you did hurt me, but I would have done anything to make it right between us and have you back beside me on the throne. Now…" My throat was choked with tears that slowly trickled down my face. I looked at him, at the tracery of lines across his once smooth skin, at the age marks on the backs of his hands, at the gray in his hair…The way he was stooped slightly, as though he couldn't hold himself straight anymore.

"I know…" and he held me, and we cried, with Rei's baby caught between us.

Now, I feel someone walk up behind me on the balcony I stand on, overlooking my city. I turn and there is Rei, my beautiful Rei, who I would have gladly had children with, gladly loved, gladly died for, if I had met her first. If I share half my soul with Mamoru, the other half belongs to her. I smile as she walks towards me, Sarahi in her arms. My smile is bittersweet, though, and she in return gives me a sad one.

In the room inside lies my bed, and in the bed, lies my king, fading away from me. He will be gone by tonight, and I know that I will follow soon after. Preparations have been made, and Serenity the Third, my daughter, will take the throne after me with her Consort, Prince Kayo of Venus, at her side. She is expecting her own daughter soon, now. She and her father have made peace, and she knows that I love her with all my heart.

"Rei…I'm going to miss all of this so much. I often forget how beautiful it is, in the bustle of every day life, but on sad days like this, I remember, and can't stop looking." Tears are in her amazing violet eyes, and a small arm waves as Sarahi senses her distress. I know my leaving will be hard for Rei, but I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to. And I don't. I realize that my time here is done, and our future is to be lived by those who have come to take our places over the years.

"I know…It's so odd to think of Crystal Tokyo, and Earth, under the rule of Chibi-Usa. I still think of her as a little girl in Old Tokyo, bouncing around with Luna P and Diana. And imagine, your line and Minako's, becoming one…Kayo will make a good King, though, I feel it." She nods definitively, sure of her predictions. I agree entirely.

"I hope that…on the other side, the others are waiting for Endymion and I." My heart beats quickly at the thought of seeing my lost Senshi again. I turn to look at her, taking her free hand in mine. "Will you miss me?" I ask softly, holding her hand to my cheek. Her face twists in grief, and her voice is hoarse as she answers me.

"I will miss you like the Earth would miss the Moon. I will miss you as though my heart were gone from my body, my blood dry in my veins. I will miss you as though life itself had left me. I love you, Usagi." She steps forward and wraps her arm around me, and for a moment, I lay my head against her shoulder.

"Endymion will be gone tonight, Rei…and I must follow him. I can not live without half my soul. But…for a moment…perhaps…" And my eyes tell her what I can't seem to say, and she knows. "Will you be there with me…at the end?" My voice is high and tight, and I can barely recognize it as my own.

"I will wait with you. After I put Sarahi to bed, I will come…" she assures me, and I am satisfied. I will see her tonight.

As I sit vigilant by the bed, the air around me smells of death, a sickly-sweet smell that is wrapped around the room in a dark, smothering cloak. I hold his brittle hand, and watch him sleep fitfully, his breath rattling in his chest. Tears come to my eyes, as they have so often of late, at this further proof of his imminent ending. The atmosphere is lifted slightly by the arrival of three figures appearing in the doorway of our chambers.

First, Uranus and Neptune step into the light, as always a dramatic, theatrical entrance. Haruka and Michiru stand before me, unchanged by time as my love is not. They nod their heads together, and behind them appears the long truant Hotaru. I leap to my feet and hurry to embrace the young woman. As I walk towards her, the smell of death gets stronger, and I realize that Hotaru has always carried it with her as a sort of morbid perfume. I am almost comforted by the thought…someone here knows what the other side will bring.

"Hotaru…" I whisper as I wrap my arms around her thin but strong shoulders. "Does Usa know you are back yet?" I ask, releasing her. She shakes her head, solemn, but I can tell she is glad to be back home.

"No, Serenity, I haven't been to see her yet. I wished to pay my respects to you first." She glances beyond me into the dim room where the dying king lies. "I felt that the time was near, for Endymion to die, and I knew you would follow. So I came…I found Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama and we all came together, to be with the city and Chibi-Usa at the end." She smiles, her dark eyes twinkling for a moment. "We did not expect to find Rei-chan here with a daughter, though. It was a pleasant surprise, to find new life where death has come calling." Michiru places an elegant hand on my shoulder, and I reach up to squeeze it in thanks.

"It is good to be home, Serenity. We have missed the city greatly in our travels of the stars. Though we have seen many beautiful places, and met races of wondrous grace, none surpass the magnificence of Crystal Tokyo. It is and always will be the most peaceful place in the universe. It is an honor to us, that we know you who are the creator of such a Utopia, and much to our sadness that you will be leaving it behind to join the others with the great Creator." Michiru's soft contralto soothes me, her beautiful words making me realize how much I have missed all their presences throughout the years.

"It is good that you have returned to us, even in a time like this. My daughter will be overjoyed to see you once again, little Firefly," I tease Hotaru gently, and her girlish giggle brightens the gloom for a moment.

"We will take our leave of you, Koneko, but know that you are loved by us, and by the people of this world, not only Earth, but all the worlds you have touched with your light," Haruka intones seriously, and I am touched. I take all three of their hands in my two.

"I could not have done what I have without you, my Senshi, to stand beside me. You were my pillars of strength, and for that I will always be thankful. Do not worry, though. I love this place too much to stay gone forever. Should you stick around, perhaps in a few years, or a century or two, a new life will be born, and perhaps it will feel familiar." I wink at the three of them, and Haruka grins knowingly, while Hotaru gives another giggle and Michiru smiles slightly.

"We shall stand watch." They say together, and I know they will. I am left again in the growing darkness of my room. I lose track of the time that slips by me, and I only know that it is one less minute with him in my life. I do not fear death, for I lost all fear for myself when I became queen, but I have a hidden fear that I will not see him again. As I hold his hand, his large, warm hand that has brought me so much love, and some pain, I wait for his lungs to fill again once he exhales. As the Sun sets and I feel the Moon rise, his eyes flicker open, and meet mine.

"Usako…Death is coming for me, I can feel her approaching." It does not surprise me that he personifies Death as a woman. I have known Death since she was a baby.

"Hotaru has returned, with Haruka and Michiru." My statement only seems to assure him of what he already knows, and he nods in acceptance.

"Then the time is near. I am glad that I have had these last few months with you, to love as I should have loved you all the years I was gone." He speaks as though he won't see me again, and it scares me.

"Mamoru, I will see you again, on the other side. We will be together again, and it will be as good as it was before. Please, don't talk like we're saying goodbye forever. It's only a little while." Minutes, I add to myself in my head, or perhaps hours at most…

"You are right, of course. But still…I am afraid that I won't. That we won't. Just an old man and his fears," he jokes weakly, and laughs, which turns into a cough. I wait for him to finish and gain his breath.

"I love you. Whatever has happened between us, it's in the past. Things are new, as they were when I first loved you. You are young, and I am young, and there is always a tomorrow for us," I whisper, as tears slide down my cheeks. It is a terrifying thing, seeing him so weak and frail, knowing that soon, all too soon, he will take his last breath, and then I will take mine. He lifts his hand, and gently brushes my cheek.

"I have always loved you, I always will love you. And what you do after my death is something I will understand." I control the blush, and I realize that he knows of my feelings for Rei. "I know she loves you, and I know you love her. It is enough. I do not begrudge her what I could have had and denied myself by being an arrogant coward. I know that she shares the other half of your soul." He pulls me down to him, and kisses me softly on the lips. "Aishiteru, my Usako. Make her happy…" I watch in horror as he takes a deep rattling breath that lets out in a sigh, and his eyes slide close, and he fades away. His body is still here, but his soul and life are gone. Tear drops fall on his wrinkled cheeks, and I brush them tenderly away.

"Gomen nasai, for understanding when I could not say the words. Aishiteru." I slip out of the room, and my soft shoes make no sound as I pad down the halls towards Rei's room. Her door is open slightly, and I push it open and walk inside, shutting it behind me. As I walk through her living room, she comes through a door that leads to Sarahi's nursery. She is surprised to see me, but nods sadly as she sees the tears still wet on my cheeks.

"So, he is gone." She states, and walks over and hugs me to her body. I wrap my arms around her.

"He knew…and he gave me his blessing." My words don't surprise her as my sudden appearance did.

"On your wedding day, thousands of years ago, I was your maid of honor." I nod, puzzled, as I remember that day of joy. "Before the wedding, Mamoru came to me. He said that he was sorry, for stealing you away from me. On the Moon, and then on Earth, you found your love for him inside your heart first, and there was no room after for me. So, I never married, and I never bore children, because I could not bear the thought of loving someone that was not you." I wipe away the tears on her cheeks now. "A year ago, Setsuna warned me that my time was running short, and I knew it meant that you would be leaving me. I thought that I would die with you, but now that I have Sarahi, I know that I can not. She needs me now, as her mother, but once she is grown, and she can understand her position, and why I must leave it to her so young, I will join you." She kisses my forehead gently, and I shiver.

"Rei…I love you. I didn't think I could love another person as much as I love Endymion, but I do. You are the other half of my soul. Together, the three of us make a whole. I wish it could have been different, but once I was bound to him, I could not make false those bonds, even though I loved you. Now…he is gone, the bonds are broken, and I wish to be with you as I could not in the years we have known each other." I kiss her, then, for the first time, and her lips are so soft. She takes my hand, and I let her lead me into her bedroom. My gown is easily removed, as is her robe, and soon, we are naked in her bed together, and I am loving her as I wished to do a million times before.

After our passion is broken, I lie in the circle of her arms, and prepare myself to die.

"I will wait for you. I will wait beside the Gates, and count the years, days, hours, minutes, until you walk through to join us." My voice is quiet in the dark, and I feel her arms tighten around me in denial. Her words tell me she understands, though.

"I know you will…I will be waiting, too. I will tell Sarahi of our childhood together, and I will make sure she is a strong, wise Senshi to carry on our heritage." Her voice is choked and thick, and I feel tears falling onto my hair.

"Oh, Rei…don't cry. I'll see you in a little while. It won't be long, a blink of time." I sit up and kiss her, and she hugs me to her, fiercely, desperately. "It aches…like a part of me is missing…I can't bear it…Aishiteru, Rei…" I feel myself sliding into a dark embrace, like and unlike those of my lovers'.

* "I will carry you, my Queen…" A dark voice that stirs the waters of time whispers in my ear. *

"I can feel you fading away from me, Usagi… I will be waiting. Aishiteru…" Is the last thing I hear, before a pair of strong slender arms takes the pieces of me into her hold, and carries me towards a bright light. I see figures standing against it, and immediately recognize my Mamo-chan. He is hail and young, straight and tall. Beside him is Ami, smiling her sweet smile as I remember her doing. Makoto has her arm slung around the smaller girl's shoulders, and is calmly awaiting my arrival, a large grin on her face. Minako stands next to her, and in her arms are Luna and Artemis. Somehow, though, she still manages to throw me the V-is-for-victory sign. My feet touch the ground, and I turn to thank my guide. A pair of dark violet eyes and pale skin are all I get a sense of, before the figure is gone.

My friends and love embrace me, pulling me farther into the light, but I stop them, turning back to the entrance.

"I promised her I would wait…it's only a little time…."