Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ MST of Are Two Heads Better than One? ❯ Chapter 2

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Are Two Heads Better Than One?
A Sailor Moon Original Flavor MSTing
Part Two

MSTing by: M.H. Torringjan

Okay, this part'll be much, *much* shorter than the first part (so, why
not mix it up a bit?). My apologies, but I couldn't find a better place for a
cut than ten pages through the darned thing. Well, at least I'll finally be
finished with this once I've finished this part. Wow, that's one less thing to
do!
Well, let me get on with this. I don't own Pokemon. Nintendo/Game Freaks
owns the rights to it. I don't own MST3K. Best Brains does. And Joel Hodgeson
created the series. I made up the character of Michelle. Any of the other
products mentioned through the course of the MSTing are owned by their
respective owners. I am scum compared to them. Or not. I can't really be
sure.
James Harrington wrote "Are Two Heads..." I will not claim responsibility
for this fic. That's his honor. So there. I will, however, thank him for
writing this. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to use it. Oh, well. If there's
nothing else, then I'll get on with it.

Standard Intro (rockets exploding, secret laser beams, you know- the usual
stuff).

Outside the theater, Michelle is reading the third volume of Ranma manga
(untranslated, of course). Brock is grooming Pikachu with a Sailor Moon brush
that he found lying around Misty's room. He decided that he'd ask her about it
later, when there was less of a chance of his being injured for it. Ash walks
in, carrying a tape recorder.
"My gods, guys, this is a rough one," Ash says.
"You know, when they say that something's going to be bad, I trust them,"
Brock says. "But this is ridiculous."
"Well, at least the mechanics are good," Michelle says.
"If you ask me, the story needs a complete overhaul," Brock replies.
"Yeah, and how about those clones?" Ash says. "What morons!"
"Ye-Ummm, Ash? Have you been feeling all right today?" Michelle asks. "I
want to know what you've got against clones? Maybe it's just these clones that
are idiots."
"Nope, it's all clones. All clones are made the same way, so they must
all be idiots," Ash says.
"How long does it take him for cognitive dissonance to kick in?" Michelle
asks Misty.
"I don't think that he has any," Misty replies.
"Well, I expected that you'd say that, and I took some steps to see if I
could change your mind a bit," Michelle says to Ash.
"Did you install a V-chip in his head so that whenever he says that clones
are idiots, he gets a shock?" Brock asks.
"Hey!" Ash exclaims.
"No, but I did something about as good as that," Michelle replies. "I
took some of his blood cells from the last fight he and Misty had, about five
minutes ago, and got the Mads to run it through the Clone-o-matic 2001."
"So wait a minute," Brock says. "Ash has a clone?"
"You got it! Show our friend in, Misty!" Michelle says. Misty leads
Clone Ash in by the hand, giggling at something that the clone had just said.
"Well, Ash, meet Clone Ash!" Michelle says.
"Well, that's interesting," Ash says, clearly shocked. "So, how are you
doing?"
"I think pretty well," Clone Ash says.
"So, how does it feel to be a clone?" Ash asks.
"Uhhhh, good?" Clone Ash replies.
"So, I'm just wondering," Ash says. "If you were in a situation where you
were engaged in an epic battle against me and I tried telling you that, say,
Misty was standing behind you, would you believe me?"
"Misty's standing behind me?!" Clone Ash exclaims, turning around.
"Ummm, I'm standing beside you," Misty says.
"See? Moron," Ash says triumphantly.
"Look, how about this? We'll bring him in and let him watch the fic with
us! I'm sure that he'll prove himself in the theater," Michelle says. "By the
way, Melfina's right behind you!"
"Melfina? Where?!" Ash exclaims, looking behind him.
"Natch," Misty says. "What's she got..." The Mads light starts flashing,
and Michelle presses it.

Deep 251

"Hey, you stupid Smeargles!" Jesse exclaims. "Get back in that theater and
finish off the fic!"
"Yes!" James exclaims. "I got the Rena/Ashton ending! I'm up to 25
endings!"
"I've got to figure out some way to get him off of those games," Jesse
says. "Wait, I've got an idea! Meowth! Go out to Toys R Us and grab..." she
whispers the title of the game into Meowth's ear.
"Not *that* game!" Meowth gasps.
"Oh, stop being melodramatic!" Jesse says, throwing him through the exit
port and closing it behind him. "Now, don't you have some fic to be reading
right now? Oh, and do try to avoid bleeding on the way into the theater too
much."

"Bleeding on the way into the theater?" Michelle wonders as Fanfic Sign
goes off. Everyone runs screaming into the theater.

Door 6: A solid wall. A short, gray guy points at it to make a hole in it. he
then tries stealing DNA samples for some odd reason

Door 5: A chest of drawers. You open the top drawer and climb down into it.
Small needles shoot out as you pass through, which you barely dodge.

Door 4: A drawbridge. It falls, missing your feet by a few inches. Some swords
lash out as you pass through, leaving minor cuts on you.

Door 3: A wall of fire. Squirtle isn't available for action at the moment. You
escape with minor, first-degree burns.

Door 2: A large hand. All of the fingers fold into a fist to punch through door
1.5 (the sheet of paper, which leaves paper-cuts)

Door 1: A vault door. You turn the handle and it swings open easily. A small
funnel to catch all of the blood opens, also presenting a small first-aid
kit.

Everyone takes their usual seats, with Clone Ash sitting beside the real
Ash. Misty, Brock, and Michelle are busy tending to their wounds. Strangely,
Ash and Clone Ash didn't receive any damage.

All: (singing) I think I'm a clone now, there's always two of me just a hangin'
around!
Michelle: Did that door sequence seem odd to anyone else?

>
>Part 3: Leisure Time?
>

Misty: The Leisure Suit Larry crossover that everyone's been waiting for!
Brock: (Larry) So, is that fuku big enough for two?

> Across town, there was trouble brewing at the Forty-Second
>National Bank.

Ash: (Benji mouse) So, this is it! We're finally going to have the question of
life, the universe, and everything!
Brock: (Frankie mouse) I still think it's "how many roads must a man walk
down..."

>It seems that the Sailor Scouts were robbing the bank and
>holding some people hostage.

Michelle: Wow! Somebody's been reading a bit too much "Sins of the Sailor
Senshi!"
Brock: (Evil Moon) So, Venus, we got enough time for a quickie?
Misty: Baka...
Clone Ash: Tee hee, he said "quickie!"
Brock: Yeah, and I meant it that way, too, ya' moron.

>People were confused by this sudden change
>of character on the part of the Scouts.

Ash: They weren't used to seeing the Sailor Scouts walking around in circles,
staring at the ceiling lights.

> "We've got the Scouts into a jam now," said Evil Jupiter.

Misty: I'm almost ashamed to say it.
Michelle: Then I'll say it for you. Ahem, (Evil Mercury) I thought that we had
them into a marmalade!
Ash: No, this is them in a jam! (Sailor Moon) Help! How did I get in this jar
of jam! Gods, this really is a big jar of jam that I'm in right now, and any
help-
Misty: They get it, Ash.

>She was in
>charge in the absence of Dark Moon.

Brock: Does that mean that she gets the same sex that Dark Moon does?
Michelle: Brock, please lay off it a bit...

>"And I have an idea of how to get
>them in even hotter water.

Ash: (Jupiter, chef) Ve vill boil zem like ze little poissons!

>If we reveal their identities over the media."

Brock: Oh, like that'll have any effect. The media's like Lois Lane in the
original Superman.
Misty: (reporter) You can't be the Sailor Scouts! The Sailor Scouts wear short
skirts!

> "Yeah! Let's get Dark Moon here! Then we can let out the Lita
>kid," Evil Mercury said eagerly.

Michelle: (Jupiter) Then, we'll hunt her down like an animal! Then, we'll sell
it to Fox! It'll make us a fortune!

> "But then we'll have to let these people go so that the press won't
>have anything to say that we would still be here while they capture the
>other kids," Evil Venus said.

Ash: No, don't, you know, steal their energy or kill them or anything. Don't
actually do anything useful or anything.
Brock: (Venus) You know, why don't we just send them off with a nice ice cream
cone each, too?

> "All right," Jupiter said. "Mercury, go call the Media and tell them
>that we'll take some people in here. One camera from each news station."

Misty: (Venus) And fifteen makeup technicians apiece!
Brock: Oh, and remember, there is no Greg standing behind you.
Ash: (Mercury) Greg? Where?! (looking around)

> "Right," Mercury said, and she went to call.

Michelle: (Mercury) Now, what did you want on your pizzas again?
Brock: (Jupiter) No, Merc. We said "Media," not "Domino's."
Clone Ash: I like pineapple on my pizza!

> Across town,

Misty: You are here with the travelers checks. He is across town with cash,
standing outside of a bank, too stupid to get the money changed. Aren't you
glad that you aren't him?

>at the shopping mall, Serena and Amy were walking
>down the walkway away from the food court.

Michelle: (Amy) I'm so bored...
Ash: (James) Cut! Scene change!
Brock: Too much Io Scouts...

>They had just finished their
>lunch.

Ash: (Serena) Oh, man, my stomach hurts so much!
Misty: (Amy) Well, maybe you shouldn't have eaten that cat!

>They were walking past the electronics store when they saw

Michelle: The newest Pokemon version: Mauve! Gotta buy 'em all!
(Ash, Misty, and Brock loom over Michelle)
Michelle: You call that threatening?

>through the window a television that was showing a news report about the
>Sailor Scouts. Serena convinced Amy to see what it was about.

Brock: (Amy) If it's not the Playboy channel, then I don't really care.
Michelle: (Serena) But it's about us!
Brock: (Amy) Could you please put your ego on hold for a few minutes?
Michelle: (Serena) If there's anything less important than my ego, I want it
caught and shot.

> "Once more," the reporter said, "The world-famous Sailor Scouts
>have taken a whole bank hostage.

Ash: (reporter) They say that the building will be released when they can get a
date with Brad Pitt.

>We're here at the Forty-Second National
>Bank... and I've been told that they're allowing one camera in so that they
>can

Misty: (reporter) Get some nice glamour shots done...

>make an announcement."

Brock: (Moon) I'd like to announce that we're evil, and that we have taken the
bank hostage. Thank you, we'll get back to you when we have more information.

> The camera started moving toward the front door where a sea of
>cameras had already gathered.

Michelle: And the reporter rolled up his cloak and struck the cameras; and the
cameras divided to the left and right...
Brock: A little bit more obscure than the Red Sea reference...

>The door opened and Mercury let them in.

Misty: (Mercury) Welcome to the Crypt! We've got a bone to pick with you!

>Inside, the hostages were tied up against the wall and Venus was guarding
>them.

Ash: Hey, Mina! Greg's over there!
Michelle: (Mina) Greg? Where?!

>Sitting in the CEO's chair was Dark Moon.

Misty: (Dark Moon) Ha, ha! I'm the boss now! Nobody's going to push me around
now!

>Standing beside her was
>Jupiter. No one wondered where Mars was.

Brock: I did!
Michelle: You see, that's the thing. They were asking Johnny Apathy from
Channel 5.
Ash: (Johnny) And the Sailor Scouts are doing stuff tonight, but I really
couldn't care less.

> "Welcome, everyone," Dark Moon said. "We have brought you here
>to release the hostages and to show you

Ash: (Dark Moon) -Episodes of the newest Reality Game show, Sex Marathon Live!
Misty: (Dark Moon) To show you a Big O marathon! We are EVIL!!!!
Clone Ash: I like Big O!

>who we are, but you realize that
>once we show you, we'll have to kill you all. Just kidding.

Michelle: No, Moon, morbid humor doesn't work. Just stick to personal
humiliation and mockery.

>But we will
>continue our crime spree."

Misty: (Moon) ...And the next place that we're going to rob is-
Michelle: (Jupiter) <thwap!> Don't *tell* them our plans!
Ash: (Moon) Look, ma! I'm on TV! Welcome to the Sailor Moon show!
Brock: (Mercury) Like we could ever get our own TV show...

> "I would never say that," Serena said, angry that someone would try
>to imitate her so badly.

Michelle: (Serena) I'd be giving Mina bunny ears!
Ash: (Serena) And I wouldn't be wearing that horrible dress, either! And my
hair! Gods, what were they thinking?!
Brock: Just imagine if they had actually come out with that live-action Sailor
Moon movie...

>"Let's go get them quick!"

Ash: (Serena) I would never say that, either!
Misty: (Amy) But you just did...
Ash: (Serena) No time for trivialities!

> "Everyone!" Dark Moon called. "Let's do it!

Brock: (Jupiter) Do what?
Misty: (Moon) The hustle, do do do do do do do do!

>Revert!" There were
>four girls standing where the Sailor Scouts had just stood.

Michelle: (reporter) Hey, what did you do with the Sailor Scouts!
Ash: (Evil Serena) We *are* the Sailor Scouts!
Michelle: (reporter) You can't be! They've got a different hair-do and they
wear short skirts!
Brock: <sigh> Clark Kent Complex... it's really a sad thing to see...

>They stayed
>where they were for only a minute so that the cops could get good
>descriptions and send out warrants.

Michelle: (policeman) Attention, all cars! Be on the lookout for some chicks
who look nothing like the Sailor Scouts at all whatsoever!
Ash: (ibid) They are armed and extremely ditzy...

>Then, they changed back into the
>Scouts and

Brock: ...were captured during their excruciatingly long transformation
sequences...

>teleported out of there. Serena and Amy were already gone.

Misty: Well, of course they were! They supposedly transformed and teleported.
Ash: I think that the evil ones did that, and he's talking about the good ones.
Misty: No, I'm getting a distinct evil vibe from those guys.
Michelle: Well, I'm getting a distinct evil vibe from this whole fic.
Clone Ash: Evil is bad.

> At the hospital, Mina and Serena's father were watching the same
>thing.

Ash: (Mina) This isn't interesting. Can we change the channel?
Brock: (Mina) I heard there's a good show about three-toed sloth on right now.

> "Uh, oh," Mina said. "Now we're toast.

Michelle: Buttered - without jam...
Brock: (Mina, British accent) And now, we're scones! (French accent) And now,
we're croissants! (Chinese accent) And now, we're-
Misty: We get it. Shut up.

>They've given out our
>identities. How will we be able to get out of this one?"

Ash: With an underly elaborate plan filled with plot holes and
mischaracterizations, is my guess.
Michelle: (Mina) Let me reach in "Ye Olde Bag O' Plot Contrivances!"...... And
we have "New, more powerful attack!" Thanks for playing our game!

> "If you girls were at the same place at the same time as them, that
>would get you off the hook," Serena's father said.

Brock: And no one noticed earlier when they were beating the shit out of each
other?
Michelle: With good reason! It was Salisbury Steak day in the Cafeteria!

> "Yeah, but we don't even know where the girls are. You're a
>witness to my innocence because you were here with me the whole time.

Misty: (Mina) I was here, wasn't I?

>Raye's safe, her clone was killed. But what about Serena, Amy, and Lita?"

Brock: (Mina) ...And Raye?
Ash: (Serena's Dad) They have orders to go to the Canadian border under the
names Alejandro, Landrom, and Bob. We will rendezvous with them later.

> "If they're smart, they went to my place."

Ash: Well, rule that one out!

> "The police would look there for them first. They could only go to
>the temple. No one would look there for them, and Grandpa trusts them
>enough to know that they aren't criminals.

Michelle: (Grandpa) So, you stinking criminals came to me for help! Well, I'll
do it, but for a price! Now, who's first for the sweet old man lovin'?!
Misty: Michelle?!
Michelle: What? He's an old lech!

> "Yeah. I'll go there to look for them," Serena's dad said as he
>walked out. "You get some sleep. If anyone gives you trouble, give my
>home a call. I'll help you."

Brock: (Mina) You know, that'd be nice if I actually knew who you were and what
your phone number was.
Michelle: Nah, the amnesia thing's already been done.

> "Sure. See ya later." After he had left, she pulled out a previously
>concealed teddy bear.

Brock: (Mina) Quick, Octavio! Now is the time to escape! Did you bring the
file? You know, now may not be the time, but I've always loved you.
Rest: (hum theme to "Great Escape")

>She hadn't gotten much use out of it in the past
>couple of years, but it gave her comfort in this place. "Don't worry, Bobo.
>Everything will be okay."

Michelle: Hmmm... Why does that name sound familiar...?
Ash: Old boyfriend?

> At the temple, everything was quiet, especially in the basement,
>where Serena and Amy were hiding. At least they had Chad, the temple
>helper, to keep them company.

Misty: (Chad) So, have you ever really thought about toes? I mean, they're just
really cool!
Ash: T minus four minutes till committing suicide...

> "So, what's it like being Sailors?" Chad asked.

Michelle: (Serena) Easy to get seasick...
Brock: (Amy) Yaarrr! It be a lonely line of work!

> "We already told you, we are not Sailor Scouts," Amy said calmly,
>even though she was annoyed at Chad's incessant questioning.

Michelle: (Chad) Are we there yet?
Ash: (Amy) No.
Michelle: (Chad) Are we there yet?
Ash: (Amy) No.
Michelle: (Chad) Are we there yet?
Ash: (Amy) No.
Michelle: (Chad) Are we there yet?
Ash: (Amy) Shut up.
Michelle: (Chad) Are we there yet?
Ash: (Amy) No.
Misty: Ah, the wonders of cut and paste...

>She didn't
>know for how long wether she would be able to convince him.

Misty: Uh, did the projector just skip over a few words? I completely missed
what's going on.
Michelle: Nope, that's what it's supposed to be. Sad isn't it?

> "Then who was that on the TV?" Chad asked.

Brock: (Serena) That was Liv Tyler, although I can understand the confusion.
Misty: (Serena) Chad, that wasn't the TV. It was the mirror. And it was you.
Ash: Are you sure that Chad's not a clone?

> "The heck should we know?" Serena said, as annoyed as Amy. "Now
>could we please change the subject?"

Michelle: (Chad) Okay, so... What's it like being Sailor Scouts?
Brock: (Chad) So, what do you think of Bush's handling of the China spy plane
fiasco?
Misty: I still think it's just a "situation."

> "Sure. Where's Raye? I haven't seen her since yesterday morning."

Brock: Is James implying?
Ash: I think that he's implying POOM!

> "She's at the hospital," Amy answered.

Michelle: Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be another Sailor
Nature?
Misty: Because we have a clear idea of James's favorite and least favorite
Sailor Senshi.

> "Why? Did you put her there?"

Ash: (Serena) Yes! Teach the little bitch to make fun of my cooking...
Michelle: Thank you, Madame Akane...

>Chad got up and stood over them
>threateningly. "Because if you did..." He was interrupted by the cellar
>door opening.

Misty: Will our mystery guest enter and sign in, please!
Rest: (loudly sing Dick Van Dyke theme)

>It was Grandpa. The short, balding man was carrying three
>beds that were all taller than he was..

Michelle: Faster than a speeding house cat! More powerful than a motor-powered
scooter! Able to carry large beds with one hand! Look, on the ground! It's
Gene Starwind! It's Mr. Daitokuji! It's Super Lech!

> "Oh, no, Grandpa!" Serena said. "Don't tell me that Chad is sleeping
>down here! I don't think that I can take much more of him."

Brock: (snickers)
Michelle: (slaps Brock) One word...

> "No," Grandpa answered. "Your friend, Lita, is,"

Ash: (Serena) No, grandpa, that's Chad. You need to get your names right. Now,
is he sleeping down here or not?

> "Lita!" Amy exclaimed as Lita walked in the cellar.
> "We're sleeping in here?" Lita asked, disgusted. "It's cold and dank
>and depressing in here."

Brock: (Lita) The perfect place to film a porn video!
Ash: (Amy) And you would know - how?
Michelle: "Evening at Lita's" flashback...
Brock: (Lita) No, really! It has something to do with my old boyfriend, I
swear!

> "Don't worry, girl," Serena said. "It's just for a night or two until
>we can decide what to do about our clones."

Misty: You know, if you substitute every occurrence of the word "clone" in this
fic with "hamster," it makes it a lot better.
Clone Ash: I want a pet hamster.

> "Where are Raye and Mina?" Lita asked. She was filled in to the
>plot by Serena and then she got it clarified by Amy.

Brock: (Amy) To sum up, we're screwed.

>"Well, we've got to
>do something about this. I don't want to be a fugitive in middle school.

Michelle: (Lita) Well, other than that thing with my old boyfriend, but other
than that...!

>Strike their clone factory, something. They brainwashed me and then gave
>me back all of my memories.

Ash: (Lita) All really kind of pointless, if you ask me.
Michelle: So's the rest of the fic, but you don't hear us complaining. Or maybe
you do. It's not my concern.

>I don't remember what the place looked like,
>so I can't teleport us there.

Misty: Begin countdown to Deus Ex Machina. 5... 4...

>Maybe if we give ourselves up to the
>Negaverse, nah."

Brock: (Lita) Or maybe if we dress up in chicken suits and dance the electric
slide in the middle of a baseball game!
Misty: 3... 2... 1...

>Then, as if by magic, the girls' minds were filled by a
>picture of a factory-type building and where it was located.

Ash: That's why they're so stupid! They were made in a tire factory!
Brock: (Evil Moon) I *love* the smell of tires in the morning!
Misty: And we have a solution! Hoo-ray!

> "Come on, Scouts," said a voice. "We know that you can do it."

Misty: (voice) If you build it, they will- sorry! Wrong fic!
Michelle: (squinting) Hey, that's no factory! That's Gizmonics Institute! Damn
you, Forrester!!!

> "What was that?" asked Serena after it was over.

Brock: I'm tempted to make a "bad acid trip" riff here, but it seems like that'd
be a bit redundant with Sailor Moon.

> "That's what it looked like! I remember now! That's the factory!"
>Lita was getting too excited.

Michelle: And when Lita gets too excited, things break...
Ash: (Lita) Finally! This fic is going somewhere!

> "Come on, then! Let's go!" Amy said.
> "Wait! Don't we need a little thing called a plan before we go
>barging in?" Lita criticized.

Misty: (Lita) Okay, so we're going in as the caterers, right? Serena, leave all
the cooking to me...
Ash: (Lita) Would they let us in wearing penguin suits?
Michelle: Only if it's 10:30...

> "Already got one," Amy said. "I'll tape the whole thing with my
>visor, proving our innocence and disproving our identities."

Brock: (Amy) So from here on out, we're nameless, faceless numbers! How does it
feel, girls?
Misty: (Serena) Not that good, actually.

> "Great! Let's transform!" Serena said. "It feels great to be back in
>action. Moon Crystal Power!"
> "Mercury Star Power!"
> "Jupiter Star Power!"

Ash: Seen it!
Misty: I'm telling you, it's a Mobius Strip!

> After they had transformed, they gathered together to form a circle.
>Just as they were about to teleport, Chad barged in.
> "I knew it! You were lying!" He grabbed on just as they teleported,
>being taken with them.

Brock: (Grandpa) Hold it, you! There's only enough room for one voyeuristic
lech around here!
Misty: Great, the Sailor Scouts have a roadie...
Ash: He'll spend fifteen hours riding around in cramped subspace pockets,
hauling heavy transformation special effects machines...

>Part 4: Final Confrontation
>
> "Are we there yet?" Moon asked.

All: SHUT UP!!!

> "We've stopped haven't we?" Jupiter said impatiently. "You can
>open your eyes, Chad."

Brock: (Lita) We're not quite so naked anymore that I know of!
Michelle: .......

> "Whoa! Where are we?" Chad asked. "I've never even seen a place
>like this out of all of the places that I've performed in."

Misty: (Chad) Except for the time that I performed at Area 51... OH, MY GOD!
THE BURNING!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

> It was a dark room filled with large, round shadows.
> "Hit the lights, will ya', Mercury?" Moon asked.

Ash: <CRASH!> (Mercury) Oops! You meant that metaphorically, didn't you?

> "Sure," Mercury said, putting on her VR visor. Now, she could see
>in the dark and record what was going on. She turned on the lights,

Misty: And lost her eyesight from the shock. Gods, she hated modern
technology...

>and
>quickly adjusting her visor, she returned to the group. The large, round
>shadows proved to be large cylinders filled with a strange fluid and
>containing people.

Misty: Oh, great. Now, they've crossed over with the X-Files movie.
Michelle: (Serena) And I'm allergic to bee stings, too!

>"Let's see here," Mercury said. "Your bro... friend,
>Sammy, Rini, Luna and Artemis, and Tuxedo Mask. Over there, there's
>five of the Rainbow Crystal Carriers. Game Machine Joe, that fat cat,
>Andrew's girlfriend, the priest, and Greg."

Brock: Oh, and look over there in the corner! It's Melfina!
Michelle: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Brock: Very much, thank you.

> "I've been wondering where Sammy had been for the past couple of
>days.

Ash: (Serena) Not like we'd miss him after a day or so.
Misty: James just didn't care, did he?

>Man, they went all out on this. Let's let them out," Moon said.
> "How?" Jupiter asked.
> "How about that switch?" Moon suggested.

Ash: (Serena) The one marked, "Factory self destruct!"
Brock: (Serena) The one marked, "This switch releases the prisoners, so don't
pull it, you f'in moron!"

> "Yes," Amy replied. "Let's hurry, though. The Evil Scouts are
>homing in on our location as we speak."

Michelle: (Security guard 1) Hey, Joe! Look on camera 5! It's the Sailor
Scouts!
Brock: (Security Guard 2) Hold it, man! They're over here on camera 1!
Michelle: (Security Guard 1) Ah, must be a malfunction. So, want another
brewskie?

> Moon switched the switches and the fluid spilled all over the floor.
>The glass sides lowered, letting the occupants fall to the floor. Everyone
>rushed to their own person except for Chad, who was still trying to take all
>of this in.

Misty: (Mercury) Wow, my very own person! Thank you so much, Moon!
Brock: She always gets the best gifts...
Clone Ash: I want a person!
Michelle: Maybe for your birthday, if you're *real* good!
Ash: He's not making it to his first birthday, is he?
Michelle: Not if I can help it.

>Moon went to Tuxedo Mask. Mercury went to Greg. Jupiter
>went to Game Machine Joe. Mercury went around reviving everyone one
>by one.

Misty: (James) Mercury stunt double, get off the set! We don't need you now!
Brock: And no one went to Rini! Anyone know why?
All: Because no one wants her!!!

> "Where are we?" Luna asked. "Oh, I remember! Scouts! You
>made it!"
> "Hush, Luna," Serena said. "Other people, remember?"
> "Amy! Thanks for coming to rescue us, like I knew that you
>would," Greg said. "That bogus you didn't even act like you."

Misty: (Greg) I mean, she actually wanted to have sex with me! Really! Did she
think that I fell for it for one moment?! I'd have to be a complete idiot to
fall for the line she was giving me!
Ash: (Mercury) You fell for it, didn't you?
Misty: (Greg) Hook, line, and sinker...

> "Greg, Hon, stop calling me by my name."
> "Sailor Moon!" Rini said. "Thank you! Save my Kittyball, please."
> "Wow! I've been saved by Sailor Moon!" Sammy said. "The guys at
>school will never believe this! There's something familiar about her and
>that Tuxedo Mask guy."

Brock: A moment of pure, unbridled thought before it got choked down into the
darkness that is Clark Kent syndrome.

> "Everyone," Mercury said, "Stay here until we come to get you for
>your own safety. Luna, Artemis, Tuxedo Mask, come with us."
> "I'd rather stay here. We need someone to stay here to guard the
>people, don't we?" Tuxedo Mask said. Moon suspected that he meant that
>Rini needed guarding. She knew that there was something going on
>between those two that was drawing Darien further away from her.

Misty: Is that Serena's thinking or yours, James?
Ash: (James, crying) All right, you caught me! It's me, me, all me!
<sobbing>...... Hold me.
Misty: Back off, buster.

> Luna was extremely ready to get out of there mostly because that Rainbow
>Crystal Carrier cat was making advances on her again. He had a
>crush on her, but she didn't return it. She was more attracted to Artemis
>than that cat. "Let's go, Scouts. We've got some hard work ahead of us."

Ash: Yeah, a lot of telling people that Greg's behind them!
Clone Ash: Greg? Where?! (looking around)

> Just then, the door opened, and in walked Evil Amy. "I thought I
>smelled a rat on the property. Well, sis. We meet again. Ready for a
>rematch?"

Brock: (MK voice) Round three... FIGHT!
Misty: Come on, Amy! Bite her head off! Fatality!
Michelle: Which one?
Misty: Ah, it's all the same to me.

> "Anytime!" Mercury shot back. "Everyone stand back. This only
>concerns me and her. Greg, be ready to help!"
> "Be ready to help scrape her off of the floor. Evil Mercury!" And
>two Sailor Mercuries were standing in a face off match to the death.

Ash: Oh, great. Now they've switched faces, too?! How will we tell them apart
now?
Brock: That's easy. One's evil.
Michelle: So, they had to cross over a god-awful John Travolta film?
Brock: At least it wasn't Battlefield Earth.

>"Wanna go first?"
> "Okay. Mercury Bubbles, Blast!" The room was filled with a
>vapor, clouding the room, obscuring her from the evil Scout's view.
>"Where am I?" Amy taunted uncharacteristically.

Misty: Where's Mercury?: the Not-so-popular sequel to Where's Waldo?
Ash: Well, I hope that she doesn't lose something each page. She doesn't have
much to lose.

>"Mercury Ice Strom,
>Splash!" Evil Mercury was pelted by ice pellets, some as large as golf
>balls, some as small as hummingbird eggs. They all hurt equally.

Michelle: Come on, that's not enough detail! I want exact diameters, masses,
and velocities! Down to the five-thousandth decimal!

> "Okay, my turn. You did it, so I can do it. Mercury Geyser, Dash!"

Ash: (announcer) And she's done it! She's broken her own record in the 100
meter Geyser Dash! We'll be back with some words from the happy competitor...

>Mercury was thrown against the wall by a gigantic spray of water and
>knocked nearly unconscious. "Now that You're out of the way, I can have
>your boyfriend. You don't mind, do you?" Mercury was too drowsy to
>answer. "I'll take that as a no."

Brock: Because, you see, she's evil.
Michelle: Yes, I believe that's been established.
Misty: (Greg) I'm all for it, myself! She's twice the lover you'll ever be,
Ames!

> That woke Mercury up. She snapped back into action and started
>trying to relocate the fiend. "My turn. Mercury Ice Storm, Splash!"

Michelle: Seen it!
Brock: (lifeguard) How many times have I said, no splashing in the pool?! And
keep your head above the water!

>There was another ice storm over top of the Evil Sailor. This time,
>though, she was prepared, and she ran over to grab Greg. The ice not only
>hit her, but him, also.

Misty: (Greg) Amy! You said that you'd never hurt me!
Michelle: (Evil Mercury) I meant mentally, you dope!
Brock: (Greg) So, you're S&M, eh? I can do S&M!

> "Greg! Stop, Ice Bubbles!" Mercury hated having to give up this
>important of a fight because of her boyfriend being captured. Suddenly,
>out of the Sailor's chest came a pole. No, a cane!

Ash: (James) No, a baby alien! Or was it a plate of chicken salad? Wait, I'm
not sure...

> Tuxedo Mask had used the distraction to get around to the back of
>the Evil Sailor just in case the fight went awry. The sight of a cane coming
>through the back of someone discomforted everyone.

Michelle: I know how they feel. Excuse me while I make a trip to the airsick
bag...
Brock: I'm telling you, it's an anti-fic! He's just thinly disguising it by
substituting clones for the real Scouts!
Ash: And it's even more sick since he's making the Scouts kill themselves!

>They were calmed a
>little bit by Tuxedo Mask telling them that they should have seen the cane
>through the head that he had pulled earlier that day.

Michelle: Yeah, that'd comfort me, for sure.
Brock: (Tux-Boy) And you should have seen the blood-spatter it left! I swear,
it looked like Michael Jackson! Wait, I took pictures! See? Michael Jackson!

> "Let's go," Moon said after the crowd had gone back to their
>activities of preparing to go at any minute and after Mercury had finished
>tending to Greg's wounds.

Misty: (Mercury) Well, I don't have any sterilized gauze, so this piece of rusty
metal will have to do the trick.

> They exited the room and went down the hallway until they found a
>map of the compound. They found the most direct path to the Control
>room and followed it. Along the way, they came across Rini.

Ash: (Moon) Ah, man! That's five years bad luck!
Misty: Wait, isn't that for black cats?
Ash: No, the black cats thing is only temporary.

>Before she
>could do anything, they killed her, reasoning that the real Rini couldn't
>have gone around the compound to get to where they were with out being
>noticed by some alarms and setting them off.

Brock: Yeah, that's the reason. Sure. Whatever you say...
Misty: (Moon) She was a clone?
Michelle: (Jupiter) Hey, look, guys! A pathway called "shortcut to prisoner
room- caution: this pathway is unguarded at all times for convenience!"
Ash: Hey! Where's the long, drawn-out description of that death scene?

> They went on relentlessly towards the command center, getting
>closer to a battle that they dreaded fearfully. Some of them might not get
>out alive, but they had to do it anyway for their own futures. Then, the
>door loomed menacingly over them. Jupiter blasted it through. It was
>dark inside.

Ash: It's a BRAND NEW CAR!!! <applause>
Michelle: It was only then that she realized that she had blown down the door to
the janitor's closet...
Brock: (Willy) Ach! Willy'll have yer heads fer this!

> "Welcome, Sisters. We've been expecting you. I hope you don't
>mind our preparing a little floor show for you. You remember Evil
>Jupiter, don't you? And Evil Venus? And me?" came the voice of Dark
>Moon. The lights came on, revealing the Evil Scouts in a battle stance.

Misty: Oh, no! It's the world tour of the Sailor Moon Stage Show!
Michelle: Tom had his way, after all...

>"You ready? Remember that you had Tuxedo Mask to help you against
>Mercury. She was the weakest and dumbest of us.

Ash: There's a dumbest of you?
Michelle: Let me guess, you're all the third-strongest of the group?

>You haven't a chance
>against us."
> "Wanna bet?" Moon said. "I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the
>Moon, I will punish you!"

Brock: Oh, the inspiration and originality are too much for me. Excuse me while
I shoot myself...
Michelle: You're not going anywhere. If I go down, I'm taking you with me,
Brock.

> "Nice moves, but I have them, too.

Michelle: (Moon, taunting) I'm rubber, and you're glue! Nya!

>Let's take them out, girls!" The
>Evil Scouts sprung into an attack wave that left the Scouts reeling. It
>started out with one of Jupiter's thunderclaps followed by a Moon Tiara
>attack and ended with one of Venus's hate chains wrapping around them.

Brock: Mercury Whipped Cream Smother!
Ash: Moon Hot Fudge Spread!
Michelle: (shaking head in shame)

> Jupiter used a shock to deactivate the chains. Mercury tried to use
>her geyser attack, but found that she could only use it when she was
>extremely angry, and she wasn't yet mad enough to use it.

Misty: Best way to piss off Mercury? Tell her that the derivative of 5x^3 is
5x^2.
Brock: Really kind of sad...

>Sailor Moon
>used her Moon Scepter Elimination attack, getting rid of her double. Luna
>and Artemis distracted the Jupiter double by scratching her face.

Ash: Or by telling her that her face was being scratched.
Michelle: Hey, Jupiter! Greg's over there!

>Mercury
>took that to apply a precision ice shot to the temple. The shot felled the
>Scout like a bag of potatoes.

Ash: Yeah, those things! Where were they when they killed off Rini? The one
time I'd actually want to hear the graphic description...

> "Forget this," Evil Venus said. "I'm out of here, but not before I set
>the self-destruct mechanism to go off in five minutes. You'll never get out
>in time. The Queen, the scientists, and I will , though!"

Misty: Leaving plenty of room for a sequel. Hoo-ray...

>She transported
>out. The countdown started at five minutes.
> "Mercury!" Moon said. "Can you stop the countdown?"

Michelle: (Mercury) Sure, just let me get out my magic wand, wave it like so,
and ZOOM!
Brock: (Moon) You didn't have to be sarcastic, you know.
Michelle: (Mercury) Oh, sure I didn't!

> "I don't think so. The central core is too far away from here to
>worry about. We just have to get out of here!" They started running back
>the way that they came from.

Misty: ...kicking Rini's body on the way...
Brock: Must...add...insult...to injury!

> Back with the people, Tuxedo Mask had heard the countdown start to
>count, and had insisted that the prisoners get ready to go. When the
>countdown got to one minute, he began to be worried.

Ash: Wait, was there supposed to be suspense involved with this scene? 'Cause
there isn't.
Misty: Well, I'm personally on the edge of my seat.
Brock: can't wait to get out, can you?
Misty: I'll break down the door pretty soon.

>The Scouts had
>better get there quickly, or else they wouldn't have enough time to get
>everyone out.

Ash: (Tuxedo Mask) Oh, boy! I get to choose who dies! Yay, playing god!

>The door opened, and the Scouts ran in.
> "Let's go, everyone no time to argue!" Serena yelled.

Brock: (Luna) Serena, what are you doing out of costume? Transform quick!
Michelle: (Serena) Sorry, I forgot we had some sort of secret to keep.

>"We're out of
>here!" The countdown had reached thirty seconds.

Ash: (Moon) Quick, thirty seconds 'til the sale at Abercrombie!

> "Yo, cat!" Mercury called. "Let's go!" Luna ran over to help him
>go faster.

Michelle: (Luna) Gosh, Artemis, you've put on some major weight!
Ash: (Artemis) Damn those Rainbow Chocolates!

>"Hurry!" The other two had begun the teleport procedure. The
>countdown was at five seconds. The cats got there just in time. The
>countdown reached zero just after everyone was out.

Brock: Gosh, I sure am glad you cleared that one up for me! I thought you might
be killing off the main characters!
Clone Ash: (uncovering his eyes) Were they safe?
Ash: Yes, other me, they were. (muttering) But you won't be soon...

> The group appeared on a hill on the outskirts of town. The skyline
>was lit by the lights of buildings and of police cars looking for the
>"Scouts".

Misty: (police) Yeah, it's a tough job, out looking for magical super-heroes is
what we do, though. Usually don't run into much trouble, really. Not like
they're all that dangerous. Just last week, we came across Superman and Flash
fighting. That was a mess to clean up after, let me tell you! Oh, and there
was this one time we had this chick, Yuugi, fighting this giant spaceship fleet!
I had to take her down with my own bare hands, I did! Not much of a problem,
though. I mean, she was just a little kid, wasn't she? But we just keep on
working, one day at a time. One day at a time...

> "Greg, be a cool guy and take this to the police station to get us off
>of the hook," Mercury requested of her boyfriend.

Brock: Funny, I just don't see Amy using the words "cool" and "guy" in the same
sentence, let alone consecutively.
Misty: Maybe "cool" and "weather," but that might even be pushing it.

> "Sure, Amy... oh, sorry, Mercury."
> "Well, thank you, everyone for cooperating with us," Moon said, not
>knowing what to say.

Ash: (Moon) We'll be here every week, don't forget to tip your waitress! We're
out!

>"You can all go home and not say a word of any of
>this to anyone unless you trust them fully. Mercury, we've got to get back
>home and erase my dad's memory and my mom's as well."

Michelle: Sure, it's got some punch to it, but that ending line's got nothing
to, "I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife!"
Brock: But would you really want them saying that?
Michelle: Not as such, but that's not the point!

>The End

Misty: (calling to the Mads) Can we *PLEASE* leave now?!
(doors open, everyone files out)

Reverse door sequence

Outside of the theater, Ash, Misty, and Michelle are lounging in
recliners, looking out at space. Ash's clone is standing close by, watching a
piece of string on the desk. Misty is asleep with Vulpix in her lap.
"You know, I really didn't like that fic," Ash says.
"Yeah, neither did I," Michelle replies. "Sure were a lot of people dying
in it."
"Yup, I noticed," Ash says. "And just think, Amy's last thought was
almost algebra!"
"My guess is, a lot of them had some pretty bad things on their minds just
before they died," Michelle replies. "I mean, wouldn't you want to be thinking
about your family? You know, loved ones and stuff?"
"I'd've thought," Ash says. A short pause ensues. Ash breaks the silence
with the question, "What would be the last thing on your mind, Michelle?"
"Well, I'd like it to be my husband, whoever that is," Michelle says.
"But knowing me, it'd probably be something along the lines of quantum physics.
I'd probably come up with a unified theory just before I die."
"I'd like my last thought to be of winning the Pokemon League, whether or
not I did it," Ash says. "Or of that time I saved the world. That's pretty
important, too, I guess."
Misty shifts in her recliner, sending Vulpix falling to the floor and a
burst of fire across her legs. She jumps from the chair and runs to get a burn
cream from the first aid kit. She returns a few moments later, rubbing her legs
sorely.
"What's up, guys?" she asks the other two.
"We were just discussing what would be the last things on our minds before
we died," Michelle says. "Since Amy's last thing kind of sucked, we thought we
could do so much better."
"Yeah, I know mine could beat that out so badly," Misty says. "I would be
thinking of the ocean. Tranquility, that's me all the way! Well, unless I was
going in the middle of a tsunami. Then, I wouldn't give a darn about the ocean!
Then, it'd be a pool. Unless, of course, I was drowning in a pool. Then, I'd
be thinking about my sisters. Unless, of course, they were the ones who were
killing me."
"What if your sisters were drowning you in a pool in the middle of a
tsunami?" Ash asks.
"Oatmeal," Misty replies. "My favorite breakfast food."
"What would it take for you to be thinking about Psyduck?" Ash asks.
"My Pokemon would be right after that," Misty replies.
"So, it would have to be that your sisters were drowning you in a pool
full of oatmeal in the middle of a tsunami, with the help of your other Pokemon,
to have your last thought be of Psyduck," Ash says.
"In that unlikely event, yes," Misty says. "What about him?" she asks,
motioning towards Ash's Clone.
"He doesn't have a mind, let alone anything on it," Ash replies.
Ash's clone suddenly grabs the piece of string and exclaims, "Ha! Gotcha!"
He turns to the others, who have confused looks on their faces. "Look, I caught
Stringitor! What number is that in the Pokedex?!"
As the clone is distracted, Brock runs in from the next room, carrying a
large sack, usually used for potatoes. He throws the bag over Ash, ties him up,
and throws him down the Umbilicus to the Mads.
"Well, that takes care of that problem," Brock exclaims.
"So, Brock, what would be the last thing on your mind?" Misty asks.
"Why, Michelle, of course!" Brock says.
"Shut up," Michelle says. The red Mad's Light begins flashing. Michelle
pushes it. "What do you think, sirs?"

"Well, Meowth's finally returned with the secret weapon to get James off
those games," Jesse says, holding up a Toys R Us bag. "Now, let's just hope it
works!" She walks over to where James still sits in front of the game screens
and opens the bag. "Hey, James! I've got another game for you with multiple
endings!"
"Good, I was running short on endings," James replies. He opens the bag
and takes out the game. Jesse runs to a safe distance to watch the fun ensue.
"Parasite Eve 2... I didn't even know there was a first one. Well, lemme give
it a shot!" He opens the Playstation and places the game in the port. Soon, he
is playing away... sort of. "What's up with these controls? I can't walk
right! Why do I keep running into walls?! Oh, crap! Here come the monsters!
Okay, now shoot them! No, don't just stand there!! WALK!!! RUN!!!
ANYTHING!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" James slumps over in his chair.
"That ought to do it, Meowth," Jesse says, coming out from her hiding
place. "We can only hope for the best now."
"After this, it's all in the hands of God. Or Buddha. Or Krishna. Or
Allah. Whoever," Meowth says.
"Well, next time, we will see you fall," Jesse says to the Satellite.
"You will feel pain! Do you hear me? PAIN!!!" She breaks into a rousing bout
of maniacal laughter just as Ash's clone falls from the Umbilicus, still holding
the string. "Meowth, bring our young friend so that we can put him to better
use. And push the button, while you're at it!"

*Blip!*
FWOOSH!

Well, I'm finally done with this MSTing. Finally. That's one project
down, ten or twenty more to go. Well, I'll finish them as soon as I get the
chance. Summer's a real bitch on your will to work. At least in my case. But
for now, by any measure, I'm outtie!

MST3K created by:
Joel Hodgeson

MST3K owned by:
Best Brains, Inc.

Original fic by:
James Harrington

MSTing by:
M.H. Torringjan

E-mail at:
jmh6187@uncwil.edu

>Just then, Mercury got an idea. She
>would appeal to the human side of herself.
> "Hey, look! There goes Greg!" She knew that she couldn't resist the
>thought of her boyfriend.