Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Inner Demons ❯ Chapter 1: Heat ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
Title: Inner Demons - Chapter 1
Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo (naturally)
Rating: Mostly Worksafe
A/N: In which I was struck by a particularly vicious plot bunny and compelled to start typing. I'm not yet positive where exactly this is going but I have an idea...
Length: 4980 words (11 pages) >3< It's little!
Disclaimer: No, for the last time, they are not mine! *cries*
Warnings: Eventual 5x3, angst, violence, innuendo, and general potty-mouth. And remember kids, it's YAOI, so no likie, no readie.
Inner Demons
Chapter one
The Gods hated them. That was the only clear explanation for the unholy heat wave that had ensconced the Sanzo Ikkou for the entire past week; right up to the lack of towns, and the lack of the modern miracle known as air conditioning in the two smatterings of civilization they had managed to pass though.
Currently, the little group had stopped their afternoon progress in the middle of a sparse forest near a small lake with every intentions of staying for a good few hours as the heat reached its peak in the early afternoon. The decision had been more or less out of their hands at any rate once Hakuryuu, overheated and growing irate, had deemed it high time for a break with a disgruntled 'Kyuu' and quick reversion to his dragon form. Suffice to say, none of them had been much amused at being dropped abruptly on their asses, but agreement had not been hard to come by after the initial obscenities and death threats from the more temperamental members of the party once the options had been properly weighed and debated.
Gojyo, for one, had been more than happy to give his assent once his backside had stopped throbbing and he'd gotten a good look at the shade and enticing cool water of the lake. Presently he lay sprawled on cool grass beside the lake shore, sighing in idle contentment. Gods it felt good to be out of the sun. He readily ignored the loud sounds of splashing and laughter that no doubt originated from Goku a ways off in the water and tried instead to focus on the gentle sweep of the breeze across his sweaty skin, relieving the hot burn that had been present since they had set out that morning in the sweltering heat. It was far harder to ignore the sudden clatter and muttered curse from his immediate right a moment later. Gojyo irritably pushed up onto his elbows, a snarky comment for the monk ready to fire at his disturbance, before he all but choked on his tongue.
Sanzo, seemingly unaware or impassive to Gojyo's presence, was crouched at the side of the lake, his breastplate and arm wraps carelessly abandoned near Gojyo's feet, robes hanging about his waist, and appeared as an absolute picture of sensual, dangerous beauty. He looked oddly naked with bare arms Gojyo realized, despite having seen Sanzo in varying states on undress throughout their travels, and was struck by the strangeness as something he wasn't sure he wanted to identify desire turned in his belly. Guiltily his eyes strayed lower to a line of pale thigh and knee exposed through the front folds of creamy robes due to the position the blonde was kneeling. He must not wear his jeans when it's this hot, Gojyo mused weakly to himself. The kappa nearly felt blinded by the brightness as the harsh sun beat onto that golden head and pale white skin, giving the monk the appearance on an unearthly creature, not that he didn't already give that impression in the first place. Damn, but the asshole was a potent temptation at the worst of times, let alone at the best of times.
Gojyo knew that he was staring, knew that his jaw had slackened slightly as Sanzo splashed water on his face before dragging his dripping fingers through his fair hair, his head arching back with the motion of his hands to bare the pale column of his throat and throw the sunlight onto his face to glitter off the water droplets, effectively causing Gojyo's heart to skip. To see Sanzo was to want Sanzo, want to stare, want to touch, want to strip him and bend him over the nearest stable object.
Gojyo didn't like men. He knew that, as did everyone else who had ever met him; but damn the Gods, the bitchy, irritable, homicidal, untouchable Genjo Sanzo Houshi-sama was beautiful; unearthly, unnaturally, undeniably beautiful. The red head would be lying to himself if he said that he had never entertained sordid thoughts about the monk, never daydreamed about breaking through that icy exterior, to see what was really hiding behind all of those carefully placed walls, but he would also be lying if he didn't know that such a thing could never happen outside of his head, lest he find the contents of said head leaking from a bullet hole into the dirt. That doesn't mean I can't look though, Gojyo thought wistfully, a small smirk playing across his lips.
Almost as if he had heard this rampant train of thoughts, Sanzo's head suddenly snapped in Gojyo's direction, making Gojyo jolt slightly before quelling under a violet gaze of an intensity that bordered on unnerving. Gojyo swallowed hard as those eyes calculated and narrowed, and wondered for what felt like the millionth time where a human had gotten eyes so very intense in nature and unnatural in color.
"Is there a reason you're staring at me, kappa?"
Gojyo blinked stupidly for a moment as the question slowly filtered through his jumbled thoughts and made itself known before regaining awareness of the situation and covering with a taunting smirk. "Just interested as always to see what you hide under those robes all day, Sanzo-Chan. I was beginning to wonder if you were too holy to sweat and suffer like the rest of us but it looks like you needed to cool off as much as Hakuryuu. At least he has a better reason to be hot, doing all of the work, instead of being bundled up like a nun."
Sanzo's expression turned ugly, yet leaving his face no less striking, Gojyo noted idly to himself, and he rose to his feet to walk over and tower over the prone form of the half-breed. "Say that again," the monk hissed in a low dangerous voice that had Gojyo's anxiety rising internally at the hidden threat of bodily mayhem.
"Say what?" He asked in mock confusion. Damn, that's sad, Gojyo thought ruefully to himself as he continued leering up at that angry, heat-flushed face, seemingly unaffected by the anger of the man standing over him. When did he start being able to intimidate me without pulling that damn gun out?
Sanzo's mask of irritation intensified as his lip curled back in an almost-snarl. Gojyo nearly laughed. It was too damn fun to rile up His Royal Pissiness. "You're really asking for a new hole in your head to vent all that hot air, you know that?" Sanzo asked in a deceptively calm voice that belied his expression and the twitching of his trigger finger.
Gojyo lost his laughing countenance in favor of a glare at the insult. "Fuck you, prick. All I fucking did was look at you. Is that a crime now like your no-touch policy?"
Unless he was very much mistaken, Gojyo could have sworn the flush of Sanzo's face deepened. "It is when a pervert like you is the one staring. Your mouth was hanging open for the Gods' sakes."
Gojyo blinked, stunned and a little embarrassed at the curt statement as Sanzo turned abruptly on his heel and stalked off to another group of trees thirty feet away.
"Well fuck," he muttered abashedly, running his fingers through his crimson hair, sitting up completely and leaning against the tree that was shading him. He glanced sidelong in the direction of his irate leader who was now moodily puffing on a cigarette. He just had to be right...
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Sanzo muttered darkly to himself as he sucked harshly on his cigarette, a cigarette he had wrestled from his pack out of sheer agitation more than any real craving or desire. Stupid, fucking, perverted, half-breed kappa. Like I'm stupid enough to not notice him staring at me all the damn time.
He scowled to himself and pulled his knees against his chest, trying to shake off the odd feeling that always settled in his gut after an exchange with Gojyo like the previous. Why did it always affect him so damn much to argue with that insufferable idiot? They didn't even have to argue, truthfully, for Sanzo's body to start reacting in ways he didn't understand and that he never experienced around anyone else. And he could never shake the unrelenting gnawing in his chest whenever they were in the same room. This just caused the kappa to piss him off even more.
The fact that Gojyo watched him when he thought he wasn't paying attention didn't help matters. It wasn't so much the looking but the way he looked, and the growing persistence and intensity over the past few months. Feeling that claret gaze made him want to squirm, or smack the asshole, something. It made him itch and feel exposed in a way that was growing near unbearable. Why me? he asked himself plaintively. What did I do to deserve the interest of that fucking cockroach? Is he so depraved that he has to drive me crazy for entertainment? It hadn't been that way in the beginning, when they had first met, so what had changed?
Sanzo smashed the butt of his spent cigarette into the dirt as his side with an air of disgust across his face at the tangent his thoughts had taken. I should just shoot the moron and be done with it, he thought, gazing out over the shimmering surface of the lake, a slow grin spreading over his face, Or maybe just shoot off his dick and watch him suffer. Yes, that had far more potential.
Sanzo sighed sullenly, but felt considerably less tense as he allowed himself to relax against the tree at his back and pay attention to his surroundings again. Maybe this time I can do so without annoying interruptions, he thought grudgingly, sending a sideways glower the kappa's direction.
"Kyuu!"
Sanzo jumped about a foot in the air and very nearly yelped before glaring venomously at the small winged dragon that had appeared out of thin air in front of his face and not-so-quietly decided to get his attention. "What the hell!" He snapped at the dragon, not quite missing the low chuckle drifting from the half-breed’s direction.
"Hakuryuu, that wasn't very polite," Hakkai chastised despite the humor across his face as he approached the two. "I'm sorry, Sanzo. I've been trying to get your attention, but you seemed too lost in thought. It would appear Hakuryuu wanted to help." He gave the dragon an affectionate pat as the creature settled contentedly on his master's shoulder. Sanzo scowled.
"What do you want?" the monk asked irritably.
Hakkai frowned slightly at Sanzo's less-than-sunny disposition and vaguely wondered if something had happened in the thirty minutes they had separated. "I found the lunches that lovely young waitress gave us before we left the inn this morning. Would you like one?"
Sanzo blinked as Hakkai offered him a bento box that had obviously been made with care. His stomach growled audibly as he turned his head away to gaze out at the water once more. "No thank you," He said coolly.
A dark eyebrow rose as Hakkai contemplated his companion with concern and disappointment. "Surely you must be hungry, Sanzo," Hakkai said sternly, "after all, you didn't have any breakfast and barely ate any dinner last night."
Sanzo winced slightly at Hakkai's accurate observations. Damn it. "Really, I'm not hungry." He insisted with a hint of warning.
Hakkai's expression darkened slightly as Sanzo's stomach vocalized again. "Sanzo," he started with a tinge of exasperation.
"I'm not fucking hungry!"
Hakkai sighed wearily. He really did not want to have this argument again. With a shake of his head he set the box at Sanzo's side and walked off in Gojyo's direction, clearly frustrated. Sanzo watched him go with muted regret that he dared not show externally.
He cast a glance at the proffered lunch and felt his stomach roil. He really did want to eat something, and knew that he probably should, but lately was finding it harder and harder to find much of an appetite or to keep anything he did eat down. Of course Hakkai was noticing. He always noticed. Sanzo sighed and leaned his head back against the tree with a soft thump. He wished he knew why his body was rebelling more than usual.
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< br> Gojyo accepted his bento box with a smile and a thank you. "So," he started, glancing up at his clearly agitated friend, "What's the Princess' problem?"
Hakkai sighed and sat beside his red haired friend. "I'm not sure. And please, Gojyo, don't call Sanzo names like that."
Gojyo rolled his eyes. Hakkai was such a mom. "Well, he's the one who's acting the part of a spoiled brat."
Hakkai frowned at his hands. "Somehow I don't think so. Something's wrong."
"Oh?" Gojyo asked, feigning disinterest. "How so? He seems like his same pissy, holier-than-thou self."
Hakkai fixed Gojyo with a gaze that communicated he wasn't buying Gojyo's lack of interest. "He's barely eating,"
"What else is new?"
"And I don't think he's getting much sleep,"
"What else is new?" Gojyo repeated.
"And he's been brooding far more than usual, and short tempered--"
"And what else is new?" Gojyo asked loudly. "Hakkai, you're getting worked up over nothing. He's just being his regular, difficult self."
Hakkai shook his head again. "Gojyo, I really don't think so. Something is off. I've noticed this since about the time he suffered that concussion during that battle a few weeks ago. I'm sure you remember that incident at least?"
Gojyo stilled. Oh yes, he remembered. He didn't particularly like remembering that day; remembering Sanzo flying past him to crash into a mountainside with a sickening crack that had lead to a horrified, stunned silence; Sanzo crumpling like a marionette with its strings cut and not moving after; the fear they had all felt, for seemingly the damage they suspected was fatal. By perhaps luck, but more likely by the Gods' interference, the monk had escaped with cracked ribs, collarbone, a dislocated hip, a cracked skull, and a nasty concussion, as opposed to a broken neck. The head injury had been the worst.
Gojyo disliked remembering Sanzo's recovery period as much as the incident that had caused the injuries, for after they got past the long hurdle of unconsciousness, the monk had been disturbingly disoriented for a good week before regaining his faculties, and ever since, Gojyo could little deny, though he did not do so openly, Sanzo's character had altered to some degree.
Hakkai glanced keenly over at the kappa as he shook himself from his unpleasant thoughts. "Perhaps you could give some insight to this latest decline in Sanzo's attitude; I saw you exchanging words earlier and Sanzo seemed in much more of a resistant mood after that than he did earlier."
Gojyo choked on the shrimp he'd just popped into his mouth. "What, you think it's my fault?" He asked indignantly after clearing the food from his throat.
Hakkai gave him an even look, completely devoid of his customary false smile. "Yes, I do actually." He nodded his head pointedly at the small pile of Sanzo’s belongings near Gojyo's feet that had been forgotten by both parties when the monk had stormed away. Gojyo swallowed with a small swell of guilt crawling in his gut at the sight of them. "The tension between the two of you lately has started to become ridiculous."
"Tension? What tension?" the kappa said dismissively, trying to forget his rebelling thoughts and feelings and popping open a beer Hakkai had provided with the bento box.
"Sexual, I'm guessing. At least on your part."
Gojyo gagged violently and sprayed beer down his front. "WHAT?!"
Now Hakkai looked rather amused. "Oh, you didn't notice? I did."
"W-WHAT?!" Gojyo repeated incredulously, turning red. No fucking way!
"Oh stop." Hakkai said in a bored tone. "Sanzo may not know the significance in the way the dynamics between the two of you have changed, but I know you do. There's nothing wrong with it, Gojyo, but I daresay you're unnerving him with some of your frequently intensifying behavior. Don't forget that he is a holy man, various vices or not, and is unpracticed in most things sexual."
Gojyo was still sputtering protests, utterly flustered in a way that left Hakkai feeling warm with amusement; catching Gojyo in such a state was a rarity and a treat to witness. "I'm fairly certain that his behavior is in some way linked to yours, so if you could please tone down the hormones or whatever the problem factor is, I think we would all appreciate it."
"Hakkai!"
Hakkai's smile widened; now the kappa was blushing--an even greater rarity. "I'm sorry, was it something I said?" he asked politely.
"You know fucking damn well that it's something you said! And it is not true damn it!" Gojyo hissed heatedly, shooting a furtive, frightened glance at the blonde staring over at them with mild interest. "Why the hell would you even think something like that? There is no chance in hell that I would ever, I repeat, ever even think--"
Gojyo's words were cut off abruptly as a sushi roll was jammed into his mouth by a completely unconvinced Hakkai who was wearing a grin that didn't sit well with the redhead at all. "Spare me, Gojyo. We both know perfectly well that you can't conceal something from me for very long. Just think about what I said about being more cautious, all right? Sanzo's sanity is as important to our health as it is to his."
Gojyo watched helplessly as his friend stooped to pick up the monk's breast plate and arm wraps and walked back in the direction he had come, casting one last smirk in Gojyo's direction. The kappa chewed the sushi roll in his mouth and swallowed thickly, feeling in that moment utterly hopeless. I am so screwed.
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Sanzo watched out of the corner of his eye as Hakkai walked back towards him from the kappa, seemingly rather pleased with himself about something. The monk certainly had no idea as to the nature of the healer's conversation with the half-breed, but whatever it was had unsettled the other party to great extent. Sanzo didn't even want to know what had happened, considering the change in Hakkai's disposition; Sanzo knew Hakkai far too well to not know the man had a sinister side that sometimes showed itself in his humor...not that he could blame him for wanting to screw with the perverted kappa's head once in a while, just so long as the behavior didn't carry over to his own exchanges with Hakkai.
"I believe these are yours?" Hakkai asked mildly as he approached, holding out the few items that Sanzo hadn't yet realized were missing.
He blinked up at glinting green eyes as he reached a bare pale hand to accept the items, wary of the expression lingering on Hakkai's face. "Thanks."
"Certainly," Hakkai said with a smile as he began, to Sanzo's small relief, to continue down the lakeside, "but do try to be more careful with your things. There's no telling what may happen when you lose your clothing in Gojyo's presence."
"Wh-what?!" Sanzo yelped in shock, the light comment not wholly unanticipated but unexpected all the same. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" He shouted in outrage, growing incensed when Hakkai merely smiled at him and walked away unabashed.
Sanzo slumped back onto the ground and stared in blank agitation at his hands. What was going on?
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By late that evening the heat had managed to abate, but to everyone's displeasure the air remained stifling as they all gathered around the campfire and went through the motions of dinner; most of them did, at any rate.
Hakkai frowned in displeasure as Sanzo and Gojyo effectively mirrored each other's attitudes and motions without so much as looking at each other once. Sanzo playing with his food was common, but Gojyo mimicking the behavior wore that much harder on Hakkai's nerves. Even Goku was struck by the strangeness of the meal, at the lack of bickering and fighting over portions, and even just the loss of normal idle chatter. He continually flicked questioning golden eyes in the healer's direction, always to be met by only the nonverbal equivalent of "I don't know."
Hakuryuu nuzzled Hakkai's neck with empathetic affection and Hakkai gave him a grateful smile and pat on the head. Even the little dragon knew how unsettled he was by the whole affair. Hakkai had been incredibly pleased when his small companion had startled Sanzo back into a semblance of normalcy that afternoon, bringing out that special form of indignant rage that belonged only to the monk. But the person sitting huddled before him, pushing his food around in pensive agitation unakin to his usual manner was balking and had thrown the healer off balance. He wished sometimes that the blonde was capable of being open with his problems and worries, something. Anything was better than the current suffocating silence that was gnawing at everyone's nerves.
Hakkai sighed and went back to his meal, not feeling particularly hungry himself but refusing to be a hypocrite. He watched covertly as Sanzo scowled at something only he could see and Gojyo flicked agitated scarlet eyes at the small white form of the monk. Goku stared morosely at his empty plate, and Hakkai was certain that his plate's condition was not the source of his unhappiness.
Very shortly after, Sanzo pushed away without a word and wandered towards the lakeshore, a cigarette burning between his lips, and Gojyo followed suit, meandering into the trees where only the burning ember glowing at his smoke's tip was distinguishable. Goku blinked and looked between the two figures, decidedly avoiding each other without preamble or conscious thought.
"Geez," the monkey muttered, staring into the fire, "What's up with them 'Kai? I mean, Sanzo's been weird, but that's normal so it's not so bad, but Gojyo? What's with him?"
Hakkai looked at his young companion and felt a twinge of guilt at the necessity of lying to Goku about something he undoubtedly sensed but was too young to properly identify. "Oh, everyone has bad days from time to time. I'm sure you have before. I'm sure he'll get over it and be back to himself soon."
"I guess," Goku said with little enthusiasm. "I'm just gonna go to bed."
"All right," Hakkai said with a sigh, "Good night, Goku."
"Night," Goku replied with a small smile that lifted Hakkai's spirits as he crawled into his small tent and drew the flap shut.
"Do you suppose I should stay out of it or see if I can pry?" Hakkai asked Hakuryuu quietly with a small wry smile. The little dragon blinked at him with his small bright eyes and cocked his head. "I suppose you are right, Hakuryuu," Hakkai said, his smile softening to something more genuine, "I've done enough for one day."
Hakkai rose from the ground, extinguished the fire, and with a last glance in either direction his friends had gone, retired to his tent.
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Sanzo watched with hooded eyes as wafts of smoke curled from his lips up into the night sky and vanished, dying in vain while trying to reach the stars, become a part of their beauty and splendor. He reveled in the calm of the night, the whisper of the wind over his face and through the trees, making the leaves hiss at him, to divulge some secret they yearned to tell. He lived for moments like these, of absolute peace, and the clarity of mind that they brought. He almost forgot who he was, and everything he had lived through, that was yet to come. He felt like a person he had never had the chance to be; someone untarnished, and not broken.
The hiss of the camp fire being extinguished and the completeness of the dark did not break the alien reality, but intensified it, and Sanzo felt a lightness he was unaccustomed to, a freedom. Yet as content as he presently was, a rare ease of mind and spirit, he couldn't help but notice the missing piece that try as he might he could not deny, the part of himself that had been empty for as long as he could remember. On nights like the one he was currently basking, he ached to know what it was that left him so empty, how to get whatever it was back. After the concussion, the dreams, those undefined, flitting tortures the likes of which he'd never experienced before had started, and that yearning ache had intensified to a degree that left him staggering under it's pressure and driving him to distraction, leaving him haunted and starved.
He lowered his gaze from the stars and stared out across the water much as he had that afternoon, the view so different in daylight than it was now. He flicked his spent cigarette into the water and watched as it fizzled out, trying not to think about how often he felt like that butt, drowning.
He pulled his knees to his chest and folded his arms on top of them, resting his chin on the cushion that they made. It was interesting to him, the disquiet he felt around any moving force of water, compared to the calm of a still body, such as a lake. Perhaps it was the relation he felt with the waters; the restless movement and searching of the river, the currents he could not stop from being swept into and drowned in, and then the still calm and serenity of a lake, whole and content, not needing to run.
He sighed softly and buried his face in his arms. Foolish thoughts.
Sanzo quickly snapped to attention as a branch snapped behind him and there was movement in the brush, on his feet and whirling about in time to meet the eyes of Gojyo as he rounded a nearby tree. "Easy, Sanzo. It's just me."
The arm that had been reaching for his gun dropped listlessly to Sanzo's side and he scowled at the unwanted intrusion. "What do you want?" he asked, irritation apparent.
"When I went back to camp it was shut down but your tent was empty. Thought I'd make sue you were okay." Gojyo gestured carelessly, seemingly unaffected by the hostility presented by the monk.
Sanzo rolled his eyes, despite the fact Gojyo could not see it in the dark. "I don't need you to check up on me. As you can obviously see, I'm fine." Sanzo turned his back to the kappa and sat back down, clearly stating that the conversation was over. He very nearly growled in frustration when Gojyo moved next to him.
"What's been wrong with you lately?" the redhead asked without preamble, something in his voice striking Sanzo as genuine that he did not know how to read.
"Why do you care?" He asked dismissively, something in him stirring him to at least respond.
Gojyo gazed hard at the view of the lake in front of him, a clear still mirror of the starry sky. "I don't know." He answered honestly.
Everything around Sanzo started to slow as the confusion grew and the itch started again in his chest. What the hell is this...? He swallowed and wiped his suddenly sweaty hands on his robes, trying to figure out why his body was starting to act up again. "What kind if idiotic answer is that?" he asked bitingly, wanting to cover his sudden discomfort, the heated prickling that was grating on his nerves.
Gojyo stared unseeing as he filtered through the curt answer and found more than outright anger, and decided not to think on it too much. "The best answer I can give."
Somehow, Sanzo knew that Gojyo was telling the truth.
"So, spill." Gojyo prompted after a moment of silence.
Sanzo was thoroughly confused at Gojyo's current manner. It was so unlike the perverted kappa he knew, and left him unsure of himself and the situation and not really understanding why.
"...I don't know." Sanzo murmured quietly, for the most part truthfully, as he could not name the reason for his suffering, the missing piece, or the core of his inner turmoil. I wish I did know.
Gojyo slowly turned his head towards the monk that was staring deliberately forward just as he had been, not quite positive that he had heard the soft answer. "What kind of idiotic answer is that?" Gojyo asked with the starting traces of a smile that were wiped clear a moment later when Sanzo answered with undeniable honesty laced with a genuine flash of human emotion that Gojyo had never thought possible to see out of the monk.
"...The best answer I can give."
…Shit, Gojyo stared wide-eyed at Sanzo's profile, violet eyes downcast and unable to see the flood of emotion swarming across Gojyo's face in reaction to the unprecedented show of emotion being displayed on pale delicate features unhindered; uncertainty; vulnerability.
Gojyo wanted him. Badly. Forget denial. Forget genders. Right at that moment, he wanted to hold the blonde, break the walls, prove that the monk really was a human being, anything to relieve the renewed ache in his chest. More than anything however, Gojyo wanted to fuck Sanzo stupid. He couldn't stand the tension anymore, the awkward dancing, the fights, the covert glances.
For that reason, Gojyo got to his feet and walked away without a word, not trusting himself to not do something he would sorely regret and be killed for. He didn't even allow himself to look back as he headed for his tent and never saw the look of absolute surprise and confusion gracing Sanzo's features.
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TBC if you all don't think it would be a waste of time to continue. So if you want me to continue with this COMMENT! I'll cry if you don't ;_;
Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo (naturally)
Rating: Mostly Worksafe
A/N: In which I was struck by a particularly vicious plot bunny and compelled to start typing. I'm not yet positive where exactly this is going but I have an idea...
Length: 4980 words (11 pages) >3< It's little!
Disclaimer: No, for the last time, they are not mine! *cries*
Warnings: Eventual 5x3, angst, violence, innuendo, and general potty-mouth. And remember kids, it's YAOI, so no likie, no readie.
Inner Demons
Chapter one
The Gods hated them. That was the only clear explanation for the unholy heat wave that had ensconced the Sanzo Ikkou for the entire past week; right up to the lack of towns, and the lack of the modern miracle known as air conditioning in the two smatterings of civilization they had managed to pass though.
Currently, the little group had stopped their afternoon progress in the middle of a sparse forest near a small lake with every intentions of staying for a good few hours as the heat reached its peak in the early afternoon. The decision had been more or less out of their hands at any rate once Hakuryuu, overheated and growing irate, had deemed it high time for a break with a disgruntled 'Kyuu' and quick reversion to his dragon form. Suffice to say, none of them had been much amused at being dropped abruptly on their asses, but agreement had not been hard to come by after the initial obscenities and death threats from the more temperamental members of the party once the options had been properly weighed and debated.
Gojyo, for one, had been more than happy to give his assent once his backside had stopped throbbing and he'd gotten a good look at the shade and enticing cool water of the lake. Presently he lay sprawled on cool grass beside the lake shore, sighing in idle contentment. Gods it felt good to be out of the sun. He readily ignored the loud sounds of splashing and laughter that no doubt originated from Goku a ways off in the water and tried instead to focus on the gentle sweep of the breeze across his sweaty skin, relieving the hot burn that had been present since they had set out that morning in the sweltering heat. It was far harder to ignore the sudden clatter and muttered curse from his immediate right a moment later. Gojyo irritably pushed up onto his elbows, a snarky comment for the monk ready to fire at his disturbance, before he all but choked on his tongue.
Sanzo, seemingly unaware or impassive to Gojyo's presence, was crouched at the side of the lake, his breastplate and arm wraps carelessly abandoned near Gojyo's feet, robes hanging about his waist, and appeared as an absolute picture of sensual, dangerous beauty. He looked oddly naked with bare arms Gojyo realized, despite having seen Sanzo in varying states on undress throughout their travels, and was struck by the strangeness as something he wasn't sure he wanted to identify desire turned in his belly. Guiltily his eyes strayed lower to a line of pale thigh and knee exposed through the front folds of creamy robes due to the position the blonde was kneeling. He must not wear his jeans when it's this hot, Gojyo mused weakly to himself. The kappa nearly felt blinded by the brightness as the harsh sun beat onto that golden head and pale white skin, giving the monk the appearance on an unearthly creature, not that he didn't already give that impression in the first place. Damn, but the asshole was a potent temptation at the worst of times, let alone at the best of times.
Gojyo knew that he was staring, knew that his jaw had slackened slightly as Sanzo splashed water on his face before dragging his dripping fingers through his fair hair, his head arching back with the motion of his hands to bare the pale column of his throat and throw the sunlight onto his face to glitter off the water droplets, effectively causing Gojyo's heart to skip. To see Sanzo was to want Sanzo, want to stare, want to touch, want to strip him and bend him over the nearest stable object.
Gojyo didn't like men. He knew that, as did everyone else who had ever met him; but damn the Gods, the bitchy, irritable, homicidal, untouchable Genjo Sanzo Houshi-sama was beautiful; unearthly, unnaturally, undeniably beautiful. The red head would be lying to himself if he said that he had never entertained sordid thoughts about the monk, never daydreamed about breaking through that icy exterior, to see what was really hiding behind all of those carefully placed walls, but he would also be lying if he didn't know that such a thing could never happen outside of his head, lest he find the contents of said head leaking from a bullet hole into the dirt. That doesn't mean I can't look though, Gojyo thought wistfully, a small smirk playing across his lips.
Almost as if he had heard this rampant train of thoughts, Sanzo's head suddenly snapped in Gojyo's direction, making Gojyo jolt slightly before quelling under a violet gaze of an intensity that bordered on unnerving. Gojyo swallowed hard as those eyes calculated and narrowed, and wondered for what felt like the millionth time where a human had gotten eyes so very intense in nature and unnatural in color.
"Is there a reason you're staring at me, kappa?"
Gojyo blinked stupidly for a moment as the question slowly filtered through his jumbled thoughts and made itself known before regaining awareness of the situation and covering with a taunting smirk. "Just interested as always to see what you hide under those robes all day, Sanzo-Chan. I was beginning to wonder if you were too holy to sweat and suffer like the rest of us but it looks like you needed to cool off as much as Hakuryuu. At least he has a better reason to be hot, doing all of the work, instead of being bundled up like a nun."
Sanzo's expression turned ugly, yet leaving his face no less striking, Gojyo noted idly to himself, and he rose to his feet to walk over and tower over the prone form of the half-breed. "Say that again," the monk hissed in a low dangerous voice that had Gojyo's anxiety rising internally at the hidden threat of bodily mayhem.
"Say what?" He asked in mock confusion. Damn, that's sad, Gojyo thought ruefully to himself as he continued leering up at that angry, heat-flushed face, seemingly unaffected by the anger of the man standing over him. When did he start being able to intimidate me without pulling that damn gun out?
Sanzo's mask of irritation intensified as his lip curled back in an almost-snarl. Gojyo nearly laughed. It was too damn fun to rile up His Royal Pissiness. "You're really asking for a new hole in your head to vent all that hot air, you know that?" Sanzo asked in a deceptively calm voice that belied his expression and the twitching of his trigger finger.
Gojyo lost his laughing countenance in favor of a glare at the insult. "Fuck you, prick. All I fucking did was look at you. Is that a crime now like your no-touch policy?"
Unless he was very much mistaken, Gojyo could have sworn the flush of Sanzo's face deepened. "It is when a pervert like you is the one staring. Your mouth was hanging open for the Gods' sakes."
Gojyo blinked, stunned and a little embarrassed at the curt statement as Sanzo turned abruptly on his heel and stalked off to another group of trees thirty feet away.
"Well fuck," he muttered abashedly, running his fingers through his crimson hair, sitting up completely and leaning against the tree that was shading him. He glanced sidelong in the direction of his irate leader who was now moodily puffing on a cigarette. He just had to be right...
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Sanzo muttered darkly to himself as he sucked harshly on his cigarette, a cigarette he had wrestled from his pack out of sheer agitation more than any real craving or desire. Stupid, fucking, perverted, half-breed kappa. Like I'm stupid enough to not notice him staring at me all the damn time.
He scowled to himself and pulled his knees against his chest, trying to shake off the odd feeling that always settled in his gut after an exchange with Gojyo like the previous. Why did it always affect him so damn much to argue with that insufferable idiot? They didn't even have to argue, truthfully, for Sanzo's body to start reacting in ways he didn't understand and that he never experienced around anyone else. And he could never shake the unrelenting gnawing in his chest whenever they were in the same room. This just caused the kappa to piss him off even more.
The fact that Gojyo watched him when he thought he wasn't paying attention didn't help matters. It wasn't so much the looking but the way he looked, and the growing persistence and intensity over the past few months. Feeling that claret gaze made him want to squirm, or smack the asshole, something. It made him itch and feel exposed in a way that was growing near unbearable. Why me? he asked himself plaintively. What did I do to deserve the interest of that fucking cockroach? Is he so depraved that he has to drive me crazy for entertainment? It hadn't been that way in the beginning, when they had first met, so what had changed?
Sanzo smashed the butt of his spent cigarette into the dirt as his side with an air of disgust across his face at the tangent his thoughts had taken. I should just shoot the moron and be done with it, he thought, gazing out over the shimmering surface of the lake, a slow grin spreading over his face, Or maybe just shoot off his dick and watch him suffer. Yes, that had far more potential.
Sanzo sighed sullenly, but felt considerably less tense as he allowed himself to relax against the tree at his back and pay attention to his surroundings again. Maybe this time I can do so without annoying interruptions, he thought grudgingly, sending a sideways glower the kappa's direction.
"Kyuu!"
Sanzo jumped about a foot in the air and very nearly yelped before glaring venomously at the small winged dragon that had appeared out of thin air in front of his face and not-so-quietly decided to get his attention. "What the hell!" He snapped at the dragon, not quite missing the low chuckle drifting from the half-breed’s direction.
"Hakuryuu, that wasn't very polite," Hakkai chastised despite the humor across his face as he approached the two. "I'm sorry, Sanzo. I've been trying to get your attention, but you seemed too lost in thought. It would appear Hakuryuu wanted to help." He gave the dragon an affectionate pat as the creature settled contentedly on his master's shoulder. Sanzo scowled.
"What do you want?" the monk asked irritably.
Hakkai frowned slightly at Sanzo's less-than-sunny disposition and vaguely wondered if something had happened in the thirty minutes they had separated. "I found the lunches that lovely young waitress gave us before we left the inn this morning. Would you like one?"
Sanzo blinked as Hakkai offered him a bento box that had obviously been made with care. His stomach growled audibly as he turned his head away to gaze out at the water once more. "No thank you," He said coolly.
A dark eyebrow rose as Hakkai contemplated his companion with concern and disappointment. "Surely you must be hungry, Sanzo," Hakkai said sternly, "after all, you didn't have any breakfast and barely ate any dinner last night."
Sanzo winced slightly at Hakkai's accurate observations. Damn it. "Really, I'm not hungry." He insisted with a hint of warning.
Hakkai's expression darkened slightly as Sanzo's stomach vocalized again. "Sanzo," he started with a tinge of exasperation.
"I'm not fucking hungry!"
Hakkai sighed wearily. He really did not want to have this argument again. With a shake of his head he set the box at Sanzo's side and walked off in Gojyo's direction, clearly frustrated. Sanzo watched him go with muted regret that he dared not show externally.
He cast a glance at the proffered lunch and felt his stomach roil. He really did want to eat something, and knew that he probably should, but lately was finding it harder and harder to find much of an appetite or to keep anything he did eat down. Of course Hakkai was noticing. He always noticed. Sanzo sighed and leaned his head back against the tree with a soft thump. He wished he knew why his body was rebelling more than usual.
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< br> Gojyo accepted his bento box with a smile and a thank you. "So," he started, glancing up at his clearly agitated friend, "What's the Princess' problem?"
Hakkai sighed and sat beside his red haired friend. "I'm not sure. And please, Gojyo, don't call Sanzo names like that."
Gojyo rolled his eyes. Hakkai was such a mom. "Well, he's the one who's acting the part of a spoiled brat."
Hakkai frowned at his hands. "Somehow I don't think so. Something's wrong."
"Oh?" Gojyo asked, feigning disinterest. "How so? He seems like his same pissy, holier-than-thou self."
Hakkai fixed Gojyo with a gaze that communicated he wasn't buying Gojyo's lack of interest. "He's barely eating,"
"What else is new?"
"And I don't think he's getting much sleep,"
"What else is new?" Gojyo repeated.
"And he's been brooding far more than usual, and short tempered--"
"And what else is new?" Gojyo asked loudly. "Hakkai, you're getting worked up over nothing. He's just being his regular, difficult self."
Hakkai shook his head again. "Gojyo, I really don't think so. Something is off. I've noticed this since about the time he suffered that concussion during that battle a few weeks ago. I'm sure you remember that incident at least?"
Gojyo stilled. Oh yes, he remembered. He didn't particularly like remembering that day; remembering Sanzo flying past him to crash into a mountainside with a sickening crack that had lead to a horrified, stunned silence; Sanzo crumpling like a marionette with its strings cut and not moving after; the fear they had all felt, for seemingly the damage they suspected was fatal. By perhaps luck, but more likely by the Gods' interference, the monk had escaped with cracked ribs, collarbone, a dislocated hip, a cracked skull, and a nasty concussion, as opposed to a broken neck. The head injury had been the worst.
Gojyo disliked remembering Sanzo's recovery period as much as the incident that had caused the injuries, for after they got past the long hurdle of unconsciousness, the monk had been disturbingly disoriented for a good week before regaining his faculties, and ever since, Gojyo could little deny, though he did not do so openly, Sanzo's character had altered to some degree.
Hakkai glanced keenly over at the kappa as he shook himself from his unpleasant thoughts. "Perhaps you could give some insight to this latest decline in Sanzo's attitude; I saw you exchanging words earlier and Sanzo seemed in much more of a resistant mood after that than he did earlier."
Gojyo choked on the shrimp he'd just popped into his mouth. "What, you think it's my fault?" He asked indignantly after clearing the food from his throat.
Hakkai gave him an even look, completely devoid of his customary false smile. "Yes, I do actually." He nodded his head pointedly at the small pile of Sanzo’s belongings near Gojyo's feet that had been forgotten by both parties when the monk had stormed away. Gojyo swallowed with a small swell of guilt crawling in his gut at the sight of them. "The tension between the two of you lately has started to become ridiculous."
"Tension? What tension?" the kappa said dismissively, trying to forget his rebelling thoughts and feelings and popping open a beer Hakkai had provided with the bento box.
"Sexual, I'm guessing. At least on your part."
Gojyo gagged violently and sprayed beer down his front. "WHAT?!"
Now Hakkai looked rather amused. "Oh, you didn't notice? I did."
"W-WHAT?!" Gojyo repeated incredulously, turning red. No fucking way!
"Oh stop." Hakkai said in a bored tone. "Sanzo may not know the significance in the way the dynamics between the two of you have changed, but I know you do. There's nothing wrong with it, Gojyo, but I daresay you're unnerving him with some of your frequently intensifying behavior. Don't forget that he is a holy man, various vices or not, and is unpracticed in most things sexual."
Gojyo was still sputtering protests, utterly flustered in a way that left Hakkai feeling warm with amusement; catching Gojyo in such a state was a rarity and a treat to witness. "I'm fairly certain that his behavior is in some way linked to yours, so if you could please tone down the hormones or whatever the problem factor is, I think we would all appreciate it."
"Hakkai!"
Hakkai's smile widened; now the kappa was blushing--an even greater rarity. "I'm sorry, was it something I said?" he asked politely.
"You know fucking damn well that it's something you said! And it is not true damn it!" Gojyo hissed heatedly, shooting a furtive, frightened glance at the blonde staring over at them with mild interest. "Why the hell would you even think something like that? There is no chance in hell that I would ever, I repeat, ever even think--"
Gojyo's words were cut off abruptly as a sushi roll was jammed into his mouth by a completely unconvinced Hakkai who was wearing a grin that didn't sit well with the redhead at all. "Spare me, Gojyo. We both know perfectly well that you can't conceal something from me for very long. Just think about what I said about being more cautious, all right? Sanzo's sanity is as important to our health as it is to his."
Gojyo watched helplessly as his friend stooped to pick up the monk's breast plate and arm wraps and walked back in the direction he had come, casting one last smirk in Gojyo's direction. The kappa chewed the sushi roll in his mouth and swallowed thickly, feeling in that moment utterly hopeless. I am so screwed.
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Sanzo watched out of the corner of his eye as Hakkai walked back towards him from the kappa, seemingly rather pleased with himself about something. The monk certainly had no idea as to the nature of the healer's conversation with the half-breed, but whatever it was had unsettled the other party to great extent. Sanzo didn't even want to know what had happened, considering the change in Hakkai's disposition; Sanzo knew Hakkai far too well to not know the man had a sinister side that sometimes showed itself in his humor...not that he could blame him for wanting to screw with the perverted kappa's head once in a while, just so long as the behavior didn't carry over to his own exchanges with Hakkai.
"I believe these are yours?" Hakkai asked mildly as he approached, holding out the few items that Sanzo hadn't yet realized were missing.
He blinked up at glinting green eyes as he reached a bare pale hand to accept the items, wary of the expression lingering on Hakkai's face. "Thanks."
"Certainly," Hakkai said with a smile as he began, to Sanzo's small relief, to continue down the lakeside, "but do try to be more careful with your things. There's no telling what may happen when you lose your clothing in Gojyo's presence."
"Wh-what?!" Sanzo yelped in shock, the light comment not wholly unanticipated but unexpected all the same. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" He shouted in outrage, growing incensed when Hakkai merely smiled at him and walked away unabashed.
Sanzo slumped back onto the ground and stared in blank agitation at his hands. What was going on?
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By late that evening the heat had managed to abate, but to everyone's displeasure the air remained stifling as they all gathered around the campfire and went through the motions of dinner; most of them did, at any rate.
Hakkai frowned in displeasure as Sanzo and Gojyo effectively mirrored each other's attitudes and motions without so much as looking at each other once. Sanzo playing with his food was common, but Gojyo mimicking the behavior wore that much harder on Hakkai's nerves. Even Goku was struck by the strangeness of the meal, at the lack of bickering and fighting over portions, and even just the loss of normal idle chatter. He continually flicked questioning golden eyes in the healer's direction, always to be met by only the nonverbal equivalent of "I don't know."
Hakuryuu nuzzled Hakkai's neck with empathetic affection and Hakkai gave him a grateful smile and pat on the head. Even the little dragon knew how unsettled he was by the whole affair. Hakkai had been incredibly pleased when his small companion had startled Sanzo back into a semblance of normalcy that afternoon, bringing out that special form of indignant rage that belonged only to the monk. But the person sitting huddled before him, pushing his food around in pensive agitation unakin to his usual manner was balking and had thrown the healer off balance. He wished sometimes that the blonde was capable of being open with his problems and worries, something. Anything was better than the current suffocating silence that was gnawing at everyone's nerves.
Hakkai sighed and went back to his meal, not feeling particularly hungry himself but refusing to be a hypocrite. He watched covertly as Sanzo scowled at something only he could see and Gojyo flicked agitated scarlet eyes at the small white form of the monk. Goku stared morosely at his empty plate, and Hakkai was certain that his plate's condition was not the source of his unhappiness.
Very shortly after, Sanzo pushed away without a word and wandered towards the lakeshore, a cigarette burning between his lips, and Gojyo followed suit, meandering into the trees where only the burning ember glowing at his smoke's tip was distinguishable. Goku blinked and looked between the two figures, decidedly avoiding each other without preamble or conscious thought.
"Geez," the monkey muttered, staring into the fire, "What's up with them 'Kai? I mean, Sanzo's been weird, but that's normal so it's not so bad, but Gojyo? What's with him?"
Hakkai looked at his young companion and felt a twinge of guilt at the necessity of lying to Goku about something he undoubtedly sensed but was too young to properly identify. "Oh, everyone has bad days from time to time. I'm sure you have before. I'm sure he'll get over it and be back to himself soon."
"I guess," Goku said with little enthusiasm. "I'm just gonna go to bed."
"All right," Hakkai said with a sigh, "Good night, Goku."
"Night," Goku replied with a small smile that lifted Hakkai's spirits as he crawled into his small tent and drew the flap shut.
"Do you suppose I should stay out of it or see if I can pry?" Hakkai asked Hakuryuu quietly with a small wry smile. The little dragon blinked at him with his small bright eyes and cocked his head. "I suppose you are right, Hakuryuu," Hakkai said, his smile softening to something more genuine, "I've done enough for one day."
Hakkai rose from the ground, extinguished the fire, and with a last glance in either direction his friends had gone, retired to his tent.
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Sanzo watched with hooded eyes as wafts of smoke curled from his lips up into the night sky and vanished, dying in vain while trying to reach the stars, become a part of their beauty and splendor. He reveled in the calm of the night, the whisper of the wind over his face and through the trees, making the leaves hiss at him, to divulge some secret they yearned to tell. He lived for moments like these, of absolute peace, and the clarity of mind that they brought. He almost forgot who he was, and everything he had lived through, that was yet to come. He felt like a person he had never had the chance to be; someone untarnished, and not broken.
The hiss of the camp fire being extinguished and the completeness of the dark did not break the alien reality, but intensified it, and Sanzo felt a lightness he was unaccustomed to, a freedom. Yet as content as he presently was, a rare ease of mind and spirit, he couldn't help but notice the missing piece that try as he might he could not deny, the part of himself that had been empty for as long as he could remember. On nights like the one he was currently basking, he ached to know what it was that left him so empty, how to get whatever it was back. After the concussion, the dreams, those undefined, flitting tortures the likes of which he'd never experienced before had started, and that yearning ache had intensified to a degree that left him staggering under it's pressure and driving him to distraction, leaving him haunted and starved.
He lowered his gaze from the stars and stared out across the water much as he had that afternoon, the view so different in daylight than it was now. He flicked his spent cigarette into the water and watched as it fizzled out, trying not to think about how often he felt like that butt, drowning.
He pulled his knees to his chest and folded his arms on top of them, resting his chin on the cushion that they made. It was interesting to him, the disquiet he felt around any moving force of water, compared to the calm of a still body, such as a lake. Perhaps it was the relation he felt with the waters; the restless movement and searching of the river, the currents he could not stop from being swept into and drowned in, and then the still calm and serenity of a lake, whole and content, not needing to run.
He sighed softly and buried his face in his arms. Foolish thoughts.
Sanzo quickly snapped to attention as a branch snapped behind him and there was movement in the brush, on his feet and whirling about in time to meet the eyes of Gojyo as he rounded a nearby tree. "Easy, Sanzo. It's just me."
The arm that had been reaching for his gun dropped listlessly to Sanzo's side and he scowled at the unwanted intrusion. "What do you want?" he asked, irritation apparent.
"When I went back to camp it was shut down but your tent was empty. Thought I'd make sue you were okay." Gojyo gestured carelessly, seemingly unaffected by the hostility presented by the monk.
Sanzo rolled his eyes, despite the fact Gojyo could not see it in the dark. "I don't need you to check up on me. As you can obviously see, I'm fine." Sanzo turned his back to the kappa and sat back down, clearly stating that the conversation was over. He very nearly growled in frustration when Gojyo moved next to him.
"What's been wrong with you lately?" the redhead asked without preamble, something in his voice striking Sanzo as genuine that he did not know how to read.
"Why do you care?" He asked dismissively, something in him stirring him to at least respond.
Gojyo gazed hard at the view of the lake in front of him, a clear still mirror of the starry sky. "I don't know." He answered honestly.
Everything around Sanzo started to slow as the confusion grew and the itch started again in his chest. What the hell is this...? He swallowed and wiped his suddenly sweaty hands on his robes, trying to figure out why his body was starting to act up again. "What kind if idiotic answer is that?" he asked bitingly, wanting to cover his sudden discomfort, the heated prickling that was grating on his nerves.
Gojyo stared unseeing as he filtered through the curt answer and found more than outright anger, and decided not to think on it too much. "The best answer I can give."
Somehow, Sanzo knew that Gojyo was telling the truth.
"So, spill." Gojyo prompted after a moment of silence.
Sanzo was thoroughly confused at Gojyo's current manner. It was so unlike the perverted kappa he knew, and left him unsure of himself and the situation and not really understanding why.
"...I don't know." Sanzo murmured quietly, for the most part truthfully, as he could not name the reason for his suffering, the missing piece, or the core of his inner turmoil. I wish I did know.
Gojyo slowly turned his head towards the monk that was staring deliberately forward just as he had been, not quite positive that he had heard the soft answer. "What kind of idiotic answer is that?" Gojyo asked with the starting traces of a smile that were wiped clear a moment later when Sanzo answered with undeniable honesty laced with a genuine flash of human emotion that Gojyo had never thought possible to see out of the monk.
"...The best answer I can give."
…Shit, Gojyo stared wide-eyed at Sanzo's profile, violet eyes downcast and unable to see the flood of emotion swarming across Gojyo's face in reaction to the unprecedented show of emotion being displayed on pale delicate features unhindered; uncertainty; vulnerability.
Gojyo wanted him. Badly. Forget denial. Forget genders. Right at that moment, he wanted to hold the blonde, break the walls, prove that the monk really was a human being, anything to relieve the renewed ache in his chest. More than anything however, Gojyo wanted to fuck Sanzo stupid. He couldn't stand the tension anymore, the awkward dancing, the fights, the covert glances.
For that reason, Gojyo got to his feet and walked away without a word, not trusting himself to not do something he would sorely regret and be killed for. He didn't even allow himself to look back as he headed for his tent and never saw the look of absolute surprise and confusion gracing Sanzo's features.
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TBC if you all don't think it would be a waste of time to continue. So if you want me to continue with this COMMENT! I'll cry if you don't ;_;