Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Song Circle ❯ Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye - Sanzo ( Chapter 1 )

“Then you can Tell me Goodbye”

Pairing: Sanzo X ?

Series: Saiyuki

Notes: some spoilers. First person point of view. Swearing... hey this is Sanzo we're talking about

Based off: “Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye” by Neal McCoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own any song by Neal McCoy. I neither wrote it, nor sung it. And thus am making no money off of it. I also do not own Saiyuki. The characters are not mine and I use them without permission and without regard for their safety. For the protection of myself and all bishonen within, pleases keep your hand and feet inside the car at all times....

Feedback: Yes please. Like it? Hate it? Think I should just shoot myself with Sanzo's gun? Let me know.

 

~~ ** ~~

 

Kiss me each morning for a million years

Hold me each evening by your side

Tell me you love me for a million years

Then if it don't work out, if it don't work out

Then you can tell me goodbye

 

Sweeten my coffee with a morning kiss

Soften my dreams with your sigh

Tell me you love me for a million years

Then if it don't work out, if it don't work out

Then you can tell me goodbye

If it don't work out, if it don't work out

Then you can tell me goodbye

 

If you must go I won't grieve

If you wait a lifetime before you leave

 

But if you must go I won't tell you no

Just so that we can say we tried

Tell me you love me for a million years

Then if it don't work out, if it don't work out

Then you can tell me goodbye

 

~~**~~

 

Some days, I think I'm in Hell. Because that's what this is. A very very long trip though Hell. And I hate it. I hate it so much I sometimes want to shoot MYSELF in the head and get it all over with. But I can't. I can't because I'm Genjo Sanzo, Gods damn it. And I don't think the Gods would let my sorry ass off that easy.

 

I mean it wouldn't be so bad if I were by myself. Easy as Hell. Get my Sutra, my handy dandy demon-smiting gun and start walking my way from Shangri-la. I'd be much much happier. No one to annoy me on my journey to the West. Hell, it would be even better if none of this ever started in the first place. But noooo. Some stupid, twisted bitch is trying to resurrect Gyumaoh, which means my happy ass has to go and make sure it doesn't happen, or something. You'd think the Gods would give me a break or something.

 

I suppose they think they're doing me some sort of favor by giving me companions on this journey. If they think that, they're very wrong. That was the last thing I ever wanted or needed. Stupid weaklings to baby-sit, and get attached too. I hate attachments. I'm a big believer in non-attachment. If you meet your father, kill your father. If you meet the Buddha... Kill the Buddha. And if I meet that damned Goddess of Mercy, I swear I'm going to cap her bitch ass for putting me through all this.

 

I suppose in a way, they're helpful. At giving me a headache and a sore throat. I mean they have their strong points. We all do. But they're all just SO DAMNED ANNOYING!!!

 

I mean I could go thought the list. And I think I will to edify. Because there's just something about them all. I feel like I'm known them all before. Gods forbid that I actually did. But they are so familiar somehow. And even that is annoying. Because it's like were on some sort of demented revolving hamster wheel of doom. It feels like we've all made this journey millions of times before. And I have sinking feeling that we'll be making this journey again. Because the Gods are twisted fucks like that.

 

There that annoying Ape. People think he's my pet or something cause he follows me around all the time. Couldn't be further for the truth. Goku was annoying from the beginning. Before I ever met him. He was just so...damned... noisy, that I had to go and shut him the Hell up. And I've been trying to do that ever since. I think he sees me as some sort of Sun. A savior. I did free him from that prison he'd been trapped in. And I know I should give the kid a break. 500 years of captivity, and he doesn't even remember WHY he was captive. It's almost enough to make one's heart bleed. Heh. Too bad I don't have a heart. He's like an annoying little brother that just won't give up. Endearing, yes. A pain in my ass, most definitely. But he is a good fighter. Better than all of us. Well, almost all of us. With his limiter, his power is astounding. And without it... Well, let's just say you never ever want to see the Great Sage Equal to Heaven. Goku without his power limiters on will be the last thing you`ll ever see before you become a smear. He's a damned vicious little bastard any way you look at it. Good for us. Bad for everything else it the general vicinity.

 

Then there's our half water sprite. I fail to see his usefulness. I really do. He's almost like Goku in that way. Not that he eats anything and everything in sight. But he's a drain on my cigarette funds. And he's constantly hitting on anything that's female. He's decent in a fight. But the way he and Goku constantly argue while on this field trip drives me to distraction. No... not that. It drives me insane. I wish they'd just shut the hell up. I don't care that it's hot. I don't care that they're hungry. I don't care at all, damn it. And I don't want to hear the fighting about it constantly. And it doesn't help at all that Gojyo's sexual innuendo gets to me as well. Not in the way one would think. A Sanzo monk does NOT get all hot and bothered by things. All it does is annoy me. Because, can't he think of anything besides that! Anything at all. But like Goku, he's good to have around in a fight. He'd managed to get me down and out. Once mind you. Only once. And that will NEVER happen again! And he can go toe to toe with full fledged demons. And really, who cares about his little foibles if he can help keep us all alive a little longer. And as much as it pains me to say this... He's sort of like my best friend. If I was capable of having friends, that is. And as much as I wish his very untimely, messy death, I know I could confide in him. And I know he'd get me out of a jam. Not that I'll ever say that. I'd never hear the end of it. And then I'd really be forced to kill him.

 

Then there's the last of my party. He's not like the other two. He's very quiet. He never has verbal bouts with the rest of the group. Never tried to annoy any of us. He mothers us all to death. And I don't know why he does it. I've come to the conclusion that that's just the way he is. But that's not what annoys me about him. It's his smile. His damned fake smile. I know it's fake because I know him. He used to be human, once. He used to go by a different name than what we call him now. He used to love someone with all his heart and soul. And it destroyed him. This gentle, quiet man murdered over a thousand demons with a single knife. It turned him into the thing he hated most. A demon. And in the end, the one he was trying to rescue killed herself before his very eyes. Even now, I know the past hurts him, as do all our pasts. But I can't help but be drawn to his. And drawn to him.

 

Maybe it's because he is so much different than Goku and Gojyo. He doesn't smoke too much like I do. He doesn't eat too much, like Goku. Nor is he a total hornball, like Gojyo. He just tries to be a normal, unassuming man. And it makes me feel that he doesn't belong with us. But he does. In his own little ways, he does.

 

Hakkai is the only thing that keeps me sane. Keeps me from killing the moronic duo. I think he's the only one that keeps any of us grounded. We can talk to him, and he listens. Not that we talk too much. I think he's gotten used to our constant yelling at each other when we're on the road. He cooks for us. And without him, I think we would have all killed each other long ago. And not just because his presence is so soothing. But because of his little pet dragon that becomes a jeep. Without Hakkai and Hakuryu, we would still be back at the starting line. And we'd most likely have killed each other in the first few weeks.

 

And when I really think about it, Hakkai is all of us combined somehow. He has a past that haunts him, just as I do. Scars that time will never heal. He is a social creature like Gojyo. He genuinely enjoys to be around people. And he's like Goku too... as much as I hate to admit it. He's a damned scary fighter. Because like I said before, there's only one person at Goku's level. And that's Hakkai. He might just be a Chi Gung master, but he's also so much more. Wounded, that man dodged the Great Sage Equal to Heaven. A totally impossible task. And though I wasn't there when it happened, I've seen the devastation he caused when he removed his demon limiters the one and only time he had. And it was not pretty at all. Not even Goku could do that much damage. And afterwards, all he had done was smile and say he hadn't done that for quiet a while. As if it were nothing.

 

And I've realized something on this fucked up journey I've been forced upon. And that's even I can create an attachment. And I'll give you one guess who it is I'm attached too. If you said Hakkai, you're damned right. I fear every time his past is flung back in his face. I fear that we might lose our grounding force. Our surrogate mother. But more than the group loss, I fear my own loss. I fear that I will lose him. I care very little about the others. I love them like brothers, but they can still go the Hell for all I care. I'd be happy to send them there. But I don't want to loose Hakkai.

 

And I think it's because I know we've gone this so many times before. The four of us. We've been on this trip. And each time, I think I must have felt this way towards one of them. And for some reason, this time around, it's Hakkai. And now that I really think about it, it was probably always Hakkai, or whatever he was calling himself at the time. And each time I lose him. Each time, we have to tell each other goodbye. Because one of us dies... Or one of us goes insane... Or one of us get taken by the darkness... Or we win and go back to our separate homes... Or Gods forbid it, we lose, and everything gets destroyed.

 

I told myself that if he must go, I wouldn't grieve. Because I care for nothing. I am bound to nothing and nobody. So why would I be sad to lose him yet again in this never ending Karmic cycle from hell?

 

But I don't want to lose him this time. Because I don't know if we'll even return again after this life is over. I'm a god dammed Sanzo priest. I'm not privy to that sort of information. Though it would be nice is some lazy bitch up there got off her ass and was Merciful for once like she SHOULD BE.

 

I just want one more lifetime after this one. One more without some demented little fieldtrip to go upon. Without demons to fight, or perverted Kappas to yell at, or noisy Monkey Kings to take my attention away. Just him and me. So that we can have at least one peaceful lifetime together. I'd like that. Just him and me and some fucking peace and quiet for a change. Is that asking for too much? I think he'd like it too. No mass murder hanging over his pretty head. No sadness upon rainy days. Just him and me and a real smile. Hell, I'll even let him have Hakuryu. And I suppose if it didn't work out, then I could tell him goodbye and be done with it.

 

But I don't think even if it didn't work, I could. Because Karma would come and bite me in the ass like it always does. And the revolving door from Hell that is my life would force us back together again and again. Not just him, but Goku and Gojyo. The four of us. Because we're tied together somehow. No matter what I do, I'd still end up being annoyed by the Monkey King. I'll still have a best friend who's a perverted half-demon. And I'll still be in love with the quiet man with the saddest smile in the world. And I don't think I would change that in a million years. No matter how much I might protest now. Because it means I get another chance with Hakkai. And every chance I get with him is worth the annoyance. And one day... maybe, when the Journey to the West is over with, maybe we won't have to say goodbye.

 

 

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