Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Saiyuki Song Circle ❯ Smile -- Hakkai ( Chapter 2 )

“Smile”

Pairing: Hakkai X ?

Series: Saiyuki

Notes: some spoilers. First person point of very.

Based off: “Smile” sung by Bobby Caldwell .

Disclaimer: I do not own any song by Bobby Caldwell. I neither wrote it, nor sung it. And thus am making no money off of it. I also do not own Saiyuki. The characters are not mine and I use them without permission and without regard for their safety. For the protection of myself and all bishonen within, pleases keep your hand and feet inside the car at all times....

Feedback: Yes please. like it? Hate it? think I should just stand front of Hakkai's speeding jeep? Let me know.

 

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Smile, though your heart is breaking

Smile, even though it's aching

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll find the sun come shining through for you

 

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear maybe ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use in crying

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you'll just smile

 

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use in crying

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you'll just smile

 

Yes. Smiling. That's what I'm good at. Sometimes, I think that's all I am good at. On this journey, there are times when I think I'm the only one who actually does smile. Because only someone insane would smile upon a trip like this. And I...I tend to think I'm insane. Not raving lunatic, look at me I need to be committed type of crazy. But I am insane. I think one has to be to travel with the ones I travel with. One has to be a little off, in order to survive the constant fighting. Amongst our enemies and amongst ourselves.

 

And of all of us, I think I have to be the most insane. I was willing to tear myself apart bit by bit to appease the ones I've sinned against. Sadly, that has been one of my few saner moments in life. What I am, and what I've done, makes me think so. They call me a swindler. But I'm more then that. Far more. And one can tell that when it rains. Because when it does that, I drop the smile I wear. Because the rain reminds me of her. I see her face in the strangest places. I hear her voice. And I am forced to remember. Remember what I have done. But after the rain, I must smile again. I have to hide my sadness behind it. They don't need my sadness. They don't need it as much as they don't need a psychopathic murderer who was once human. But every day, they prove that they do. And I find that in the wound that is my heart, I love them for it. I love them all, in my own way. Each one has saved me in some way.

 

Sanzo...I love him as my leader. He has a great burden upon him. I know this. We all do. Yet he still saved me. He gave me my new chance at living. He may be brash and rude and angry a lot of the time, but that's our Sanzo. And you have to love him for it. Because we can't all be doormats, like I tend to be. I want to be strong, for him. To aid him. He needs us as much as we need him. He is our light in the darkness, and we are his comrades in the battle. He wields a weapon that he can easily point at his own head and he feels his sadness when it rains as well. In our quiet misery we commiserate. We have bonded, in a way, even if he does tell me to shut up sometimes. He has seen past my smile, and I have seen past his gruffness. And for it, I will follow him till the ends of the earth if I must. And not because it's destiny. But because he is human, and he reminds me of that which I lost. And because he is my leader, and we are all tied to him somehow. And of all of us, he is the one we need to take care of the most. Sanzo is the only human among us. He is our most precious resource.

 

Actually, he is not the only one I wish to take care of. I wish to care for them as I care for Hakuryu. I know I don't baby them as much as I baby my jeep. But he's been there from the beginning for me, and he is even more fragile than Sanzo. Still, I do want too take care of them. In one way or another. I think it is because of who I was as a human. I want to nurture them. And help them grow, even if I am as stagnate as my smile.

 

I think, that is what draws me to Goku. The forever young, forever inquisitive monkey. I see in him...innocence. I know it is surprising. I've seen how he fights. And I have seen how he kills. And I have seen him without his limiter. I have heard him be called a heretic and many other nasty things. Yet, he will always remain that innocent in my mind. That child. He is a blank slate. Literally and figuratively. He has no memory, and for that I both pity and envy him. I too would like to forget. I would like to forget her face and the blood that coats my hands. But at the same time, I feel pity that he has lived so long without it. Though it makes him wonderfully naive. He has the biggest heart in our group. He always worries about such strange little things. And always says what is on his mind. I know this drives everyone else to distraction and yelling. But I find it rather enjoyable actually. He's like a student. Eager to learn. Eager to be taught. If Kannon and I had had a child, I would wish for one like our sweet innocent Goku. Don't get me wrong; he can get on my nerves too sometimes. But I can forgive him this. Who else but Goku would believe that permanent marker would actually make my life extend. And who else but Goku wouldn't care if I murdered over a thousand with the blade of my ego. All he cares it that I am Hakkai. Hakkai who cooks for him. And I love him like the son I will never have.

 

And last there is Gojyo. Gojyo who found me half dead so long ago. Gojyo who stuffed my guts back into my body and fought Sanzo so I, a strange to him at the time, could escape. Our loud, tormented water sprite. And the one man who makes me forget my Kannon.

 

In the beginning, he was my sanity in a way. When I was still healing from my assault upon the demons, he served as an admonishment to me. I saw in him what he saw in himself. In his hair and in his eyes, I saw the blood that stains my hands still. And in front of him, I couldn't smile. Though I can now, I think he knows and remembers when I didn't. And I know he comes to my protection when Goku asks about my past. Because he knows how fragile I am about that subject. Of all people, he knows how deeply that scar goes. He knows that every time it's brought up, my heart, or what's left of it can shatter even more.

 

And, I love Gojyo for it. I swore I'd never love anyone ever again. I swore that after Kannon, there would be no one. That way, I needn't fear them being taken from me. That way I needn't fear returning to my old ways. But somehow, somewhere along this journey, I've fallen in love with our red haired half demon. And I also know I can do nothing about it.

 

He said as much when he took me in that first night. It would be the first and only time he took a man to bed. And I must accept it and watch as I always do. Watch quietly as he goes a searches for affection from easy women. And it hurts, because it isn't real. But my affection is. And I am not allowed to show it. And that, my friends is my biggest curse. I seem to fall in love with those forbidden to me. First my own flesh and blood, my sister, Kannon. And now my handsome comrade in arms.

 

Though, sometimes, he does give me hope. When I'm really hurting, he seems to know. If Sanzo isn't there, he'll show up. He'll sit there and let me mope about until I'm better. And he doesn't say anything when I stop hiding my sadness. And he'll put an arm on my shoulder and cheer me up afterwards, and that's all I can hope for, for now. It all any of us can really hope for until our journey is done.

 

Because I think we all know how really important this is. Even though they all argue and fight. Even though Sanzo attempts to shoot them. Even if the four of us appear to be totally incompatible, we know we cannot fail in this. But afterwards. After this is all said and done, I think I'd like to continue upon this path I've now chosen. Maybe he'll come to realize that the affection he's been searching for is standing right in front of him. But until that time, I'll just do the one thing I'm good at. Because it's true. Any life, even mine, can be considered worthwhile, if you can just smile.

 

end