Shaman King Fan Fiction ❯ Broken Paths ❯ Chapter 05 ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter 05

 

“Ren…”

 

I winced when I saw Horo-horo's miserable face looking down at me. I didn't want to see him; I didn't want him to see me. I felt ashamed, I felt disgusted at myself for not being able of putting up a fight against Hao though I knew that would probably have been suicide, but most of all I felt anger.

 

I was angry at him, so angry I wanted to rip him into two just like Hao's penetrating me did. Why wasn't he there when I needed him? Why had he gone out with Yoh instead of staying home with me? If he had been there would all of… this still have happened?

 

Finally I gave in; the thought of it was so painful in my mind that the urge for throwing up got the best of me. I turned and threw up right there, in the hospital floor. I didn't even have anything in my stomach anymore but it just kept coming until it was all only water and gastric fluids.

 

After a while the spasms went away and I started shaking. I was shaking hard and I almost feel off the bed when Horo-horo gingerly reached forward to steady me.

 

“Keep your hands off me!” I shouted and pushed him away.

 

His touch had made me sick again and the spasms came back full force, after a while I thought I might have thrown some of my internal organs up as well, but like I said, there was nothing left to throw up and I was just dry heaving.

 

“Don't touch me…” I managed to choke after a while. Deep inside I wanted nothing more than his strong arms steadying me, but that touch, so light and unsure, no! He felt disgusted by me, I knew it. I shook my head unconsciously, I felt disgusted by myself.

 

The nurses had already come inside and were cleaning the mess I had made. Soon enough a doctor came in as well, “Mr. Tao?” he asked me, unsure.

 

I turned to him but otherwise didn't acknowledge his presence.

 

“About your condition and what happened…”

 

“No!” I shouted. I looked at Horo-horo desperately, “Take him away! I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know about it… ever!” I spat.

 

His eyes grew wide but he nodded his understanding and wheeled the doctor away from the room.

 

I was left alone and shaking again.

 

 

“He doesn't even want me to help him…” I heard Horo-horo's frustrated voice as I drifted back from sleep. I had been sleeping a lot lately, the doctors must have sedated me I thought uncaringly.

 

“Yesterday he was throwing up and when I tried to help he pushed me away…” he sobbed.

 

“You must be patient Horo-horo, remember what the doctors said, the trauma… he might need a psychologist…”

 

“I know, I know… it's just… it hurts…” he whispered faintly. “Why wasn't I there Yoh? I mean… you didn't need my help and yet I went with you… if only I had stayed behind… maybe…”

 

“Shhh… nobody could have imagined Horo-horo!” That was Chocolove.

 

“I mean… It's not everyday your boyfriend gets raped…” I shivered.

 

“That was crude! Shut up Ryu!” Anna retorted.

 

I hadn't yet opened my eyes but Ryu's words had set some gears into motion in my abused brain… I had been raped… I'd been raped… raped… raped…

 

That word kept repeating itself in my head and fuzzy as my thoughts were, I couldn't seem to get away from the horror it carried. I tried not to move but the pain was already making itself known under the soothing waves of the painkillers.

 

I felt my shoulder clearly, and my mouth was swollen and tasted badly, but what sent the tears back to my eyes was the yet raw pain in my insides. “No!” I thought, “I can't stand this! I can't! I don't want to…” I felt humiliated, I felt less than human waste, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself alive, I didn't want to open my eyes ever again but, most of all, I didn't want to face Horo-horo or any of them for that matter.

 

Unconsciously, I moaned.

 

“He's awake…” Anna informed.

 

“Did he listen to us?” Ryu asked worriedly.

 

“Probably” she stated.

 

“Shit!”

 

“Shut up already!” Horo-horo snapped at him, “And get out! All of you…” he added.

 

I heard the sounds of seven pairs of feet moving and I figured Manta, Faust and Eliza had been present too. I felt mortified and vulnerable, they all knew!

 

Horo-horo's hand wiped my eyes lightly and I froze. “Shhh…” he soothed, “It's all right… I'm here now…”

 

My eyes snapped open, “Now?!” I demanded, “Now?! Where were you then? I don't need you now!” I shouted, “Now that I've already been reduced to… to this…” my voice trembled ever so slightly.

 

I finally looked Horo-horo in the eye, he was also crying and I felt guilty. “Don't cry… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I know that…”

 

“Shhh…” he said again and leaned on the hand I had cupping his face. “I am the one who is sorry. You're right… I wasn't there when you needed me…”

 

I felt his arms encircling me uncertainly as if afraid I would deny him again but, this time I just held tightly to him, the way I needed, and he answered my touch by holding me tightly back.

 

I hid my head in the hollow of his neck and cried miserably and after a while, I realized the sobs weren't just mine.

 

I don't know how much time we spent that way.