Slam Dunk Fan Fiction ❯ Unreasonable Things ❯ Tonight and Forever ( Chapter 4 )

A/N: When I used a plot device suggested by Otakugirl (aka shake-it-buddy), I somehow turned it into a rip-off of one of my favorite movies. So I decided to say `screw it' and rewrote the end to be a more blatant rip-off of said movie. If you know what movie I am referencing, you get a kiss from your favorite Slam Dunk boy. Okay, proceed!

Chapter 4: Tonight and Forever

Sakuragi sighed and stopped in the doorway to Rukawa's loft, while the other man kept going. He was halfway to the bedroom before he turned around and gave the reluctant man a confused look. "Hana?"

Sakuragi squeezed his eyes shut and leaned back against the door. He had fought so hard not to let the tears escape as they drove back to the house. Rukawa hadn't even wanted to go back inside. He had gone so far as to call Steve from the parking lot and ask if he could owe him for dinner. The whole ride back had been spent in silence, with Sakuragi pondering Sendoh's claims and Rukawa's surprisingly violent reaction.

When he opened his eyes again he was startled to see Rukawa right in front of him. He looked up almost guiltily to meet the still-peeved, yet concerned, gaze. "What's wrong?" Rukawa asked softly.

"Reality," he sighed, brushing past the other man to sit on the couch. Rukawa cocked his head in a silent plea as he followed and then stood before the other man.

"I'm sorry…is this…I mean…I just wanted everything to be perfect. I know it's not. But…I just…what do you mean? Is it me?"

Sakuragi sighed and pulled the other man down to sit beside him. "Of course not, baby. It's every damn thing else."

Rukawa sighed and leaned forward, placing his face in his hands. He asked in a muffled voice, "You don't think this can work?"

Hanamichi was silent for a moment too long. Rukawa raised his head and looked up at him warily. Finally the other man responded. "I…don't know." Rukawa groaned and returned his face to his hands. "Sendoh has a point. What happens if we start something serious and it gets out? Won't that hurt you?"

"I thought we already had something serious. It better be something serious for me to let you…" Rukawa's sudden fuming quickly sputtered out.

"That's not what I mean. I mean…if I move here…and we live together…and it's publicly known…what will happen to you?"

"Who cares?"

"Kaede! I care! I am not going to screw up your career."

"Well, hell, I guess I can screw up my own career if I want to, can't I? Do you not remember what I said to you? That you were what was missing from my life? I will admit, I don't want to choose. So…what if I try to have everything I want and let the public choose?"

Hanamichi made a sound of distaste. "What kind of idea is that? I think you know what the final verdict would be."

Rukawa stood up suddenly and paced around the room. "They'd call me a fag. Maybe people would threaten me. Or you. I do understand your point, okay? But…but…it's all so…fucked up. This just…pisses me off!" Rukawa finished with a yell, kicking the wall. Hanamichi winced but left him alone. He frankly had no clue what to do.

After a few moments of silence Sakuragi timidly spoke again. "I just don't understand why you'd be willing to give up your dreams for me." Rukawa frowned in his direction, but he continued. "Look, I am never going to be with a woman. I am not going to get married or have kids. That's my life. It's how I am. But…do you want those things? Those things that I can't give you? You can have anyone you want. You could find someone else to have a good life with."

Rukawa cringed at the sight of tears running down the other man's face. This was all wrong. This was supposed to be a happy time. They were together. Why did it have to be so hard? "Hana…baby…" he said softly, moving back toward the couch and taking the other man's hand. "If I could…I would marry you. Hell, if we wanted to, we could go to Hawaii and do it…or Vermont, or Boston…"

"Don't say that!" Hanamichi yelled, pulling away. Rukawa looked so hurt that he felt even worse. "Don't…don't say things like that. Not now. Not when…you don't know if you mean it."

"How do you know what I do or don't mean?"

"How can you say that after this short time?"

"Hana, I've known you for ten years!" Rukawa exclaimed in frustration. "You do realize that, don't you? You are not a stranger to me!"

"But…but that's the thing. I feel like every day I learn something new, and while I love that, it just goes to show me how much I don't know about you. We are starting over. I may have met you ten years ago but that does not mean I know who you are now, or vice versa."

Rukawa stared at Sakuragi in complete shock. "How can you say that? How can you…" He trailed off and seemed to consider something for a moment. Hanamichi decided it was not something positive as he saw the sudden look of fury cross the other man's face. "How the hell can you come here and say this shit to me, Hanamichi? Are you fucking insane? After you put so much effort into seducing me two months ago, and telling me you loved me, and showing up on my doorstep in another country to continue whatever relationship we may or may not have…and now I'm the one who's moving too fast? Is that what you're telling me? Then why the fucking hell are you here?!" he yelled. "Did you want to come rip my heart out in person? Is this really you talking? Or did Sendoh get inside your head and fuck around in there? Or maybe this is not his fault at all. You know, if I was just another conquest to you, I think you're taking it a bit far!"

Sakuragi could only stare at the other man with his mouth hanging open. That was a lot to take in, even from the new and improved talkative Rukawa. For long moments they were both silent. Finally Sakuragi mustered the most appalled look he could. "You know, I didn't think you had a problem with my history. It's too bad that you seem to think I was some sort of player. Or worse, a slut." Rukawa flinched. "Is that what it is? It's not enough that I've decided to devote myself to someone who lives halfway across the world? You are not the only one who's in danger of getting hurt here. I can't be sure if you really want to give so much of yourself to something that might just be a passing fancy."

"Oh, so you think this is just a big joke to me? You think I'm just going through some phase, and that I'd gladly give up fucking a guy to save my career? You think I asked you to screw me just out of curiosity?" Rukawa yelled.

"I don't think you're trying to be cruel about it, but what happens when it comes down to having to make a real choice?"

Rukawa gritted his teeth and just stared at the floor. Not the reaction Sakuragi was hoping for.

Rukawa was silent too long for Sakuragi's taste. He seemed to be turning something over in his head. "You're one to talk about not being serious. What really happened between you and Sendoh?"

Sakuragi felt his stomach hit the floor. Things had actually taken a turn for the worse.

"Wh-what?" he asked, eyes wide. Rukawa looked at him suspiciously.

"You were gonna let me keep thinking it was just a kiss."

"*What*?"

"You didn't correct me when I said that. You didn't want me to know?"

"Kn-know what?" Sakuragi stuttered, backing away from Rukawa. What had happened? Sendoh told him? Was this why he kept mentioning the other man?

"What did he tell you? Does he want you to leave me for him?"

"Jesus Christ Kaede, you're not making any sense!" Hanamichi wailed.

"Fuck you." Rukawa said with restrained fury. "You're still lying to me. You're playing stupid when you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Y-you asked me about the first guy I…I kissed…and I wanted to be honest but…I didn't want to hurt you, since you got upset even about that part, and don't say you weren't cause I could tell…so I told you I couldn't remember everything but it was just because it was so long ago and I didn't want to hurt you!"

"Is that why you keep lying to me now? To keep me safe and innocent? Since when do you want me innocent? What the hell, you wanted to be powerful and make me want you and then later turn me away like Sendoh did to you?"

Hanamichi gawked at Rukawa again. "I did no such thing! I never liked Sendoh! I never cared about him!"

"So am I any different? How am I different, Sakuragi?" Rukawa asked heatedly, thumping his hands against his own chest. But his eyes told a different story. He was pleading for a reason to forgive, but Hanamichi shrank away. These things he said, they were true, and they hurt. He was a liar. He lied to the man he loved. But he couldn't say it, couldn't admit to it, because all he wanted to do was cry over Rukawa's cruel recounting of his sins. He'd gotten drunk and given up all responsibility to Sendoh that night. He'd let the other boy do what he wanted. Because after all those years, he wanted to finally feel like someone wanted him. Had he ever really changed?

"How many have there *really* been? You told me ten. Is that true? Am I different?" Rukawa was yelling again. "Am I any different than Sendoh? Since you obviously don't have to care about someone to let them suck your dick…"

"Shut up, asshole!" Sakuragi finally roared. "You're still calling me a slut! I am not going to listen to this!"

Suddenly Rukawa looked frightened. He froze and watched on in growing terror as Sakuragi turned away from him.

"Where the hell could you go?" Rukawa yelled almost frantically. Hanamichi was already halfway out the door. "Wait!"

By the time Rukawa reached the elevator, it had already shut. He ran down the stairs and out to the street, nearly knocking over the night doorman. When he could see no one, he ran back inside.

"JOHN!" he yelled at the doorman. "Did you see the guy I was with earlier?"

"Y-yes, he caught a cab right outside. He rushed out of here saying there was an emergency."

"That asshole," Rukawa growled, dialing Hanamichi's cell phone. "And of course it's off," he muttered, ending the call. "Baka-yaro do aho…kusogaki…arrggh! Shimatta!"

~*~*~

Hanamichi took the cab around the block and settled for a bar right across the street from Rukawa's loft. That way it'd be easier to go back and get his stuff and keep the cab waiting to take him to the airport. If it came to that. As he sat at the bar, an upbeat song was playing…in Spanish? It was hard for Hanamichi to tell, he really only knew Japanese and English.

Once that song was over and half his rum and coke gone, a slower song started on the jukebox.

*Turn out the light
Just say goodnight
To yourself
May I remind you
When You find you
Are all alone's when you
You've got to be strong*

Hanamichi sighed and drowned himself in thoughts of Rukawa…but mostly thoughts of himself. He had indeed told the truth when he said he'd been with ten men in the eight years since he'd first kissed Sendoh. And he was counting Sendoh in that group, as well as two others who'd gotten very close to sleeping with Sakuragi. But he'd finally gotten tired of fighting and waiting for love once he turned 21. Five years ago he'd stopped waiting for his prince to come. He didn't think sleeping with seven people in five years was terrible…was it? He wasn't even sure if Rukawa thought it was. Maybe he was fine thinking there were ten…but more would be bad. He wasn't sure what to think.

*That's when they call you in the night
He's got your picture
in his mind
He's got your number
On a paper at his disposal any time*

This song was reminding him a lot of Sendoh. He'd only seen him twice after that night at Akagi's house. Both times Sendoh called him over and they were virtually silent as they took care of each other's needs, short of actual penetration, in a way that felt hollow and false to Hanamichi.

*Is it really true
Could you save yourself for someone
Who could love you for you*

Hanamichi took a shuddering sigh and rested his forehead on his thumb and index finger. He couldn't take it anymore by the age of 21. He'd kept thinking maybe if he gave in, the love might come later.

*So many times we just give it away
To someone who, someone who
You met in a bar
The back of a car*

It's what he'd done with Kaede, even. But that had been more daring. Because if he couldn't make the love come with Rukawa, that would've really hurt him. More than anyone else could have. He was beginning to think he was already in love with the basketball player long before that love became physical.

*And for a moment
You felt important
But not in your heart*

Most times, most guys, he'd felt, for awhile, like there was more to it than some guy wanting just his body. It helped if he was drunk. That dulled the pain of getting fucked. Or when the other guy was drunk. Hanamichi felt strange anytime he took someone he hadn't been dating, someone who was just a fling. He felt like he was initiating someone, doing a favor like Sendoh thought he'd done for him, perhaps. Teaching the ropes. He shuddered. Again, like Rukawa.

Did Rukawa feel tricked? Could he sense it too, a strange air of not-real-feeling, of a student-teacher relationship? Hanamichi really hadn't felt that way when he'd touched the other man so carefully, with such wonder. Had Rukawa felt condescended to? For once on such an occasion, Sakuragi hadn't felt like he was taking something from an inexperienced boy. He had wanted so much to *give*. All he wanted was to give Rukawa anything of himself that it would take to make him happy. He'd never told anyone he loved them before. Rukawa was the first. And that was because it was the first time Hanamichi had been more concerned for someone else's happiness than his own.

*Cause my self esteem it's been low
Go ahead and count it's been lower than low
I know the feeling
Of it stealing
Life out from under me*

It had been a long time since he'd felt as sick of himself as he did now. Since Miyagi had called him and Mitsui sickening. Miyagi had rudely claimed that Mitsui was going queer, but maybe he also said it because both of them were so lost in their pursuit of love. Was it so bad to want to be loved? Hell maybe Mitsui was right in thinking they would be better off with each other. Part of him was sure that Rukawa thought him a pathetic little whore. But why did Rukawa keep looking at him like he wanted Hanamichi to save them?

*Cause I want to learn
How you save yourself for someone who
Could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who
Couldn't even remember your name*

It had never been better than with Rukawa. They had already spent more time apart than together and he'd thought they were friends finally. In some idealistic part of his mind that he was sure was borrowed from Rukawa, he wished he could've been stronger and waited for someone who would love him. But what if he had? Would he have ever had the guts to go for the other man if he was a blushing virgin? Rukawa was still so naïve, to think that others could be as strong as him, or to be as open-minded as him.

*Could you save yourself
For someone who
Loves you for you
And loves me for me
Or give it away
To someone who, someone who
Could cherish your name*

"I didn't know…how could I know?" he whispered to himself. "I didn't believe I'd ever find it. I believed you…I thought you loved me…."

"Hey chief, you alright?" a gentle voice spoke.

Sakuragi jerked his head up and looked to the side to see a stout American man sitting at the next barstool. He had longish brown hair under a backwards cap, round glasses, and was dressed mostly in black.

"Um…" Hanamichi sighed. "Just thinking too much. This song."

"Ah," the man nodded. "I gotcha. This song gets to me too. Reminds me of people I know." He watched as Hanamichi sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "Seems like it reminds you of someone too."

"I just…I just ran out of my significant other's house." Sakuragi laughed and shook his head. "He's gonna kill me. I don't even live in this *country*." He winced when he realized he'd said "he" but decided it didn't matter.

But the other man was unfazed. "Bad fight, huh? You're visiting?"

A nod. "This song…made me think of the fight. I don't even know how the fight started in the first place. But someone kind of…revealed some secrets."

"Hm, so if you're going by this song…someone found out that someone wasn't quite as innocent as they thought."

"Hardly innocent…but yeah I guess you could say someone else spilled that things were even…less innocent than previously advertised."

"Ouch." The American looked thoughtful for a few moments. Then he shook his head. "God. This is a too-common story, you know that? I know a couple of relationships that have gotten destroyed by this type of thing. In my case, I just never gave her another chance. I tried to convince a friend of mine of this: It just shouldn't matter. If you really love someone, you can't judge them by their past. Especially if they already regret that past themselves. You have to believe that someone is willing to change for you."

Hanamichi sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Well…my…boyfriend…he was totally inexperienced with men, and barely with women. And he asked me about how I first got involved with a man. I didn't want to lie…but I ended up lying by omission. Because he knows this guy. And he already hated him. I told him that some things had happened. I told him this guy kissed me. He asked what else, and…I basically implied…that I couldn't remember since I was drunk. But I did remember, and this same guy just told him the truth tonight. He…" Hanamichi choked back tears. "He was so mad…he wanted to know what else I was hiding. But there's nothing else and I tried to tell him that, but I felt so bad anyway because I know he must think I'm so… dirty now. God."

"You know man, I've seen worse. Did he tell you he thought you were dirty?"

"No, he just…he just kept saying `How am I different?' He looked more scared and hurt than anything else. He wanted me to prove that I love him more than anyone else. But I *do* and I don't know how to make him believe me!"

"And he hurt you, didn't he?"

"Yes," Hanamichi said so softly.

The other man cocked his head and said, "You're like Alyssa."

"Huh?"

He shook his head again. "She was so wonderful. My friend didn't know what he had until it was too late."

Hanamichi frowned. "What happened to her?"

"Her boyfriend was really cruel to her. He actually did basically tell her she was a slut. And I talked to him, made him see that he should let the past remain in the past and believe that she loved him. Because I'd done it before myself, hurt a girl like that, and lost her, and I'd learned from it."

"Did they get back together?"

The American shook his head sadly. "She couldn't forgive him. He begged her to come back but she just couldn't forget what he'd said."

"I just keep thinking…he was mad but he seemed…like he wanted me to make him stop yelling at me. Like he wanted me to figure out how to make everything better."

"Because he's confused. And scared. He feels inadequate. He feels like he can't keep up."

"That's not true! It doesn't matter! I don't want to be like that anymore! I want to be with someone I love."

"It sounds to me like he wants to try. He's just feeling insecure. I think he needs you to help him understand that you don't want those `adventures' anymore and want what he can offer. The question then becomes, can you forgive him for hurting you? Can you help him feel like he's enough for you?"

Hanamichi stared at the other man with tears running silently down his cheeks. "I can. I want to. I want to show him that I don't need anything other than what I have."

"Good. This story needs a happy ending for once."

"But I don't know how."

The American smiled and slurped at his beer. "Maybe you should just start by *telling* him that."

~*~*~*

Rukawa heard knocking on the locked bathroom door, but he continued to ignore it. After waiting for two hours, the NBA player had locked himself in the bathroom, turned on the shower, and huddled down in a corner of the tub, where he still continued to sob uncontrollably. *This is ridiculous* he told himself. *I'm so pathetic. How did this get so out of control?*

The gentle knocking on the door suddenly escalated to pounding. "Rukawa!" Hanamichi yelled. Rukawa shuddered at the reversion to using his family name. "What the fuck are you doing? Let me in there!"

*Poor Hana…he sounds panicked…*

Rukawa stood and turned off the water and slowly made his way to the door. He opened it and stood in front of Hanamichi, wet black hair dripping around his face and neck, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

"Are you okay?" Sakuragi sighed, trying to touch the other man's arm. Even with the shower going, he'd heard Rukawa crying and it broke his heart to hear it. He knew it was his fault.

He frowned even more fiercely when Rukawa shied away from him. "Am I…a totally unreasonable person?"

"What?"

"In high school…Akagi said that about me. I know all about it. He said that I always did unreasonable things. Do you think that too? Do you think I want too much all the time? Do I need to…to be more realistic?"

Sakuragi sighed and rested his head on the other man's shoulder. "Someone like you needs big dreams and big ideas. It got you to the NBA, being like that. Seems to work for you."

"But…am I being unrealistic now? Am I asking for too much from the universe…or from you…when I want you to stay with me?" Rukawa shuddered and then said in a small voice, "Should I let you go?"

"Do you want to?" Hanamichi asked softly.

Rukawa shook his head like a small child. "No. But I think you want me to."

"No, no, no…" Hanamichi said softly, circling his arms around the taller man. "No. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left like that. I needed to stop arguing and just clear my head."

Suddenly Rukawa started crying again and threw his arms around the redhead. "I'm so sorry!" he whimpered. "I'm sorry I was so mean to you…but…I was…"

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm sorry I lied to you."

"But I shouldn't have made you feel like you had to! You're right, it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore. I was just…so scared."

"Scared?"

"When he told me that, I didn't know whether I should believe him. Then maybe I thought you really didn't remember. But it's stupid. I understand why you didn't want to tell me. I was just so scared that you might be hiding something else from me! And knowing what he did with you, and the way he was looking at you all night, I was so mad, I wanted to kill him because I thought he was planning something…"

"Is that what you meant by asking if he was trying to take me away from you?"

"Yes," Rukawa sniffled.

"I understand. You did hurt me…but I know I hurt you too. And I think if we really love each other, we can forgive each other. I'm sorry I worried you, I just needed to calm down."

"And did you?"

"Yeah. With some help."

When Hanamichi said nothing further, Rukawa ventured, "So…?"

"So," Sakuragi sighed. "Do you want me to move in here?"

"Yes."

Hanamichi smiled ever-so-slightly. "Okay." He snuggled closer to the taller man. "Kaede…I wish I could be innocent for you again. I wish you were the first and only man I could ever be with. I love you. I wish I could start over…" Suddenly Hanamichi was the one crying. Rukawa pulled the redhead's head to his shoulder.

"Don't say that. If you hadn't had the experience and confidence to try to seduce me, this never would have happened. Your *soul* is innocent. That's what made me love you. You're so sweet and pure, even when you've got your tongue-"

"Would you shut up?" Sakuragi laughed through his tears.

~*~*~