Title: Light My Fire

Author: Yugure

Genre: Humor/Romance - Z/L

Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers or the characters. I don't own the song "Light My Fire" or "Get Wild"; they are songs belonging to TM Revolution. I do, however, own my brain. I think.

Author Notes: This series was supposed to be my Valentine's Day 2002 special. However, because I'm such a lazy bum, I never got around to finishing it in time. I hope y'all enjoy it anyway. I tried writing it in a slightly different style than what I normally write. And please, don't be turned off by the long spells of non-dialogue. I promise you, some of it is funny. I also humbly request that you review and tell me what you thought of this story; whether or not it was a waste of my time or if you actually liked it.

Chapter 1 - Get Wild

He never wanted to be anyone special. A sad, wide-eyed child of sorrow, Zelgadis Graywords saw the world as a heartbreakingly cruel joke and he vowed to become lost in the natural order of things. A wisp of cloud, a shadow in the forest, a breath of air: these things Zelgadis admired for their ability to pass unnoticed by the naked eye. It seemed, to his small, naïve mind, that people who stood out like sore thumbs always got the worst breaks. Thus, Zelgadis's determination to fade into the background of life.

This, of course, was not to be. Fate is a vindictive bitch and authors often even more so. His destiny preordained, Zelgadis was chosen to receive a most auspicious gift indeed.

Some people say that paybacks are hell. In this case… well, I'll let you decide.

********

It started as a normal day, as most stories often do. Zelgadis dragged himself out of bed, cursed up a storm at his empty coffee canister, and stormed out of his modest apartment with a fistful of cash and an irritable look on his face.

"Good morning, Zelgadis!" the elderly Mrs. Olley exclaimed as she opened her apartment door and saw the young man stomp his way down the hall. A scrawny tabby cat raced out from behind Mrs. Olley's feet and made a run for the elevator. Zelgadis made no reply, but did have the courtesy to kick the fleeing feline away from the elevator as the doors slid shut. Well, as courteous as kicking a cat can be, anyway…

"Hmm… Must be out of coffee again," Mrs. Olley murmured. She chuckled to herself and closed her own door, locking out the misfortunate tabby.

Outside, the morning sun burned away the hazy fog, casting shimmering beams of light every which way. People greeted each other with hearty hellos and smiles. Businesses opened up for the day. Children frolicked in the parks and darted throughout the growing crowds of people on the sidewalks. Everyone seemed to be in a particularly congenial mood.

That is, everyone except Zelgadis. No coffee to him was like no air to most people. You must understand, Zelgadis didn't care for many things in life. He had no strong opinions about anything, and he honestly had no interest in the goings-on of other peoples lives. His one true passion, however, was coffee. So when he was denied his coffee, he was denied life. Not that he cared much for his…

Zelgadis didn't have many friends… well, basically no friends. The closest he had to an acquaintance was Leroy, the boy who worked the 5-10 AM shift at Starbucks. Leroy had been serving coffee to the surly Zelgadis for the past three years.

This morning was no different. As Zelgadis flung open the door to Starbucks and charged up to the counter, Leroy quickly finished his previous order and met Zelgadis with a smile.

"Mornin', Zel!" Leroy exclaimed. "Same as usual?"

"Yeah," Zelgadis grunted in reply. He slammed his fistful of money onto the counter and watched the teenager fill a cup with steaming, hopefully scalding black liquid.

"So, what's new with you?" Leroy chatted, trying to be friendly, as he was wont to do.

"Nothing."

"Me, I just got a new car last week. Like a piece of heaven."

"Hm."

"Still haven't found that special someone, have you?" This elicited a glare fierce enough to kill most small mammals. "Sorry, sorry. Touchy subject, I know."

"Coffee?" Zelgadis demanded impatiently as he held out his hand, waiting for Leroy give him the cup.

"Right, sorry." Leroy did as asked, rang up the purchases, and handed back the change. "Well, enjoy your coffee."

"Thanks." Manners weren't totally lost on Zelgadis, it seems.

The coffee did wonders for Zelgadis's frame of mind. After draining the last drop into his caffeine-deprived mouth, the world seemed slightly brighter. He could actually appreciate the beautiful weather and the adorable children running amok on the streets. He grinned as a particularly unruly little boy ran screaming into a crowd of little girls, causing them to shriek and scatter.

"Oh!" a woman exclaimed as she bumped into Zelgadis, sending her armload of papers to the pavement. "Sorry, I should've looked where I was going…"

"No, that's all right. Sorry I was in your way." Zelgadis knelt to help the lady gather her papers. When he had collected a substantial amount, he lifted his head and felt his jaw drop in awe.

The woman was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Cascading waterfalls of glossy blonde hair framed a pale, flawless face. Eyes lay hidden behind a curtain of bangs. Dressed in a chic business outfit, the woman looked like an angel slumming with commoners.

"I…" Zelgadis stammered as the woman flashed a brilliant smile and tugged the papers out of Zelgadis's tightly clenched hands.

"Thanks for your help," she said, stood up, and walked away. Zelgadis was left to stare after her retreating back.

And, of course, this was not meant to be the last unusual occurrence of the day.

Zelgadis's first real notion that things were not as they should be was when an odd tingling feeling began in his midsection. It wasn't a painful sensation, just slightly weird. Thinking he was coming down with the flu, perhaps, Zelgadis turned down a side street and headed for the corner drugstore.

He only made it three steps before the wave hit.

Not a wave of water, or smell, or anything remotely normal. No, this wave was entirely composed of humans. Female humans. Female humans with fervid expressions on their faces and voices reaching abominable decibels.

"OHMIGAWSH! THERE HE IS!!"

"SOMEONE GRAB HIM, QUICK!"

"DON'T TOUCH HIM, HE'S MINE!"
"BACK OFF, HARLOT!"

"SLUT!"

"WHORE!"

"AAAH!! THERE HE GOES!" This, of course, was screamed as Zelgadis high-tailed it back to his apartment.

"AFTER HIM!!!"

Thus, the chase began.

To any passersby, the sight was a ridiculous but highly entertaining spectacle. Picture this: A young, terror-stricken man with eyes the size of saucers and a grimace wide enough to be comical, sprinting down the sidewalk at Olympic runner speeds, mumbling obscenities through tightly gritted teeth. Followed shortly after him was the mass of women, ranging from preteens all the way to elderly ladies, each with fanatical grins and grasping hands. Women exiting shops and homes seemed to pick up the passion of the crowd and, discarding whatever plans they had for the day, joined the throng of enthused pursuers. A few of the women waved pieces of a raggedly torn shirt in the air, holding it as a banner and hollering as they ran.

Oh, did I mention that the young man was shirtless at this point in time?

Meanwhile, a billion thoughts raced through Zelgadis's mind, mainly ones like Why the @#*&ing hell are these women chasing me?! and What the !&#$ is going on?! It did not occur to him, however, to notice that all the men in the area simply watched the spectacle with green envy and ANY woman within sighting distance immediately joined the group chasing him. Why such limitations existed was beyond Zelgadis's current thinking capabilities. Instead, he focused solely on getting home and avoiding any women who appeared in front of him.

Upon reaching his apartment building, Zelgadis took the steps three at a time, not bothering to wait for the elevator. Odds were, if he were to take the elevator, the women taking the stairs would reach the top before he did. Lucky for him, the crowd was so large that the women had a hard time getting onto the staircase. The bickering and squabbling could be heard like resounding thunder in Zelgadis's ears.

On his floor, Zelgadis raced for his front door, whiping out his key in preparation. He didn't notice Mrs. Olley's tabby cat lying in the middle of the hallway until it was too late. By then, Zelgadis was pitching forward, arms pinwheeling. He crashed into his door and fell in an ungraceful heap in front of it.

"Shiiiiit," he moaned, wincing as he fingered the sore spot on his forehead. The tabby cat sidled up to Zelgadis, mewed, crawled on top of him, and lay back down. "I hate you. I have always hated you. What the @#&* are you doing out here anyway?" The cat didn't respond. Zelgadis clambered to his feet (effectively moving the cat) and opened his apartment door. The sounds of shouting and girlish screams from the stairwell caused Zelgadis to slam the door shut behind him with startling ferocity, narrowly missing the tabby cat's tail as it sauntered into the apartment.

"…" Zelgadis wasn't even sure what to say. His breathing was shallow and shaky as he locked the door and slammed a bolt into place. The day was turning out to be much more eventful than he wanted it to be.

Zelgadis plopped down on the living room couch and ran a hand through his silky black hair, staring up at the ceiling as if it could provide the answers he sought. Instead, he found himself counting the tiny plaster bumps. Not really a mind-bending activity, but it did keep his thoughts away from what was happening out in the hall.

The women pounded furiously on his door. There were not many distinct sounds: too many people were professing their love for all of them to be heard clearly. At one point, the sound of a drill caused Zelgadis's blood to freeze and his heart to stop. Lucky for him, the landlord appeared on the scene and tried to settle things down. Unluckily, however, the most the landlord could do was convince the ladies to not destroy any property and rely on their own "female wiles", whatever the hell that meant. Things quieted down after that, although the growing pile of love letters shoved under his door made it very difficult to maneuver through his front hallway.

And so this was how life was for many days, even weeks. Every time he went outside his apartment, Zelgadis was bombarded by women and their plethora of confessions of love. Zelgadis was forced to resort to calling the local grocery and having a male employee deliver groceries once a week. He couldn't even visit Starbucks, although occasionally Leroy sent a latte or cup of coffee with the groceries. After all, what were friends for? Zelgadis also had to disconnect his phone line, because somehow one of the women had found his number and had distributed it to most of the others. It was frightening how devious women could be.

And that, my friends, is the beginning of this story.

Next chapter: Zelgadis meets the one woman who isn't hopelessly obsessed with him. As a matter of fact, I'd say she's downright contemptuous of him…