Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Slayers meet Cthulhu ❯ The Beginning of Insanity ( Prologue )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Slayers Meet Cthulhu

Prologue, or How Did I Get Into This Mess?

It was a dark and stormy night.

Zel: Oh, that's creative. Next you'll add a peal of thunder and a
creepy old house.

Gourry: How can you peel thunder? I mean, Zel, it just doesn't make
sense.

Author: Both of you shut up! This is not a MST fic. Anyway, it's
traditional. And Zel, even think about commenting on my spelling and
I'll sacrifice you to Cthulhu.

Gourry: Didn't we kill him?

The author hits Gourry over the head.

Gourry: Ow!

Author: No more commentary, or I'll make sure you both get eaten by
shoggoths.

Gourry: What's a shoggoth?

Zel: It's a gelatinous entity, capable of assuming any form it
desires, created by the Great Old Ones...

Author: Quiet now! Or I will feed you to the shoggoths, resurrect you,
and then give you to Ithaqua. He'll keep you quiet, or at least, keep
you from commenting. Now, I am going to restart this story, and any
interruptions will have dire consequences. Got it?

Zel & Gourry: Yes.

Author: Good. I apologize for the interruption, and now here we go!

It wasn't a dark and stormy night. In fact, it was a rather overcast
morning. Amelia and Lina had gone off shopping, so Zel and Gourry had
decided to check out some ruins Zel remembered Rezo talking about.

The cyclopean ruins hung over the heads of our two handsome
adventurers...

Rezo: Do I make my entrance now?

Author: I said, no interruptions, or else! Does no one listen to me?
Go away. I'll tell you when to come.

Rezo: Or else what? I'm already dead.

Author: I'll give your eternal soul to Cthulhu to play with for the
rest of eternity!

Rezo: But wasn't Shabrandigo Cthulhu, so didn't you already do that?
What else do you have to threaten me with? I'm dead.

Author: <mumbles some words that can't be repeated> Okay, Zel, have
fun.

Rezo: What! You can't! Have a heart!

Author: You gave away a major plot point. Die!

Zel: Rah Tilt!

Rezo: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Author: Once again I apologize. I mean these characters are enough to
put you off writing entirely. Xellos, open your mouth and you die! Is
anyone else going to comment? No? Good. Back to the story...

The cyclopean ruins hung over the heads of our two handsome
adventurers. There was something strangely wrong about them. The
geometry wasn't quite right. Everything was all wet and slimy. The
smell was awful. Gourry had a handkerchief pressed over his nose and
Zel had his mask on, but neither did much to keep out the sickening,
overpowering smell.

Gourry: Yuck! <As he slipped on a pile of seaweed> Wait a minute. Zel,
aren't we about 200 miles inland? So what's with the dead fish and
seaweed?

Zel: I have no idea, but I don't like it. There's magic here. I can
feel it.

They continued on through the ruins, stopping now and again to peer
into certain mostly-intact buildings. Scrawled all over the ruins were
eldritch drawings and what appeared to be a written phrase. Actually,
the phrase looked like it had been extruded from the living rock. The
phrase looked something like this...

"Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Gourry: Hey, Zel, what does that mean?

Zel: I don't know. It looks familiar, but I can't remember.

Rezo:

Author: Rezo, that's your cue. Rezo? Okay, where's the Red Priest?
Xellos, Zel, I'm looking at you. What'd you do?

Xellos: He tried to interrupt again.

Author: Xellos... No, I don't want to know. Just go get him, NOW!

Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.

Zel: Say that just once more, and I hurt you.

Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.

Zel: That's it! Rah Tilt!

Xellos: Ow! Kinky. I love it when you do that, Zel-chan.

Zel: Rah Tilt! Elmelkia Lance! Freeze Arrow! Flame Arrow! Elmelkia
Lance! Rah Tilt!

Author: Zel, stop it now, or else my next fic will be a yaoi between
you and the fish man.

Gourry: EEW!

Zel: You wouldn't!

Author: I can and will if you don't behave. Now stop hurting Xellos,
so he can go get Rezo.

A slightly smoking, frostbitten, and generally hard-used Xellos pops
out of the scene, and then pops back in again, carrying a bound,
gagged, and mostly nude Rezo.

Author: Bad Xellos! Very, very bad and naughty Xellos. The readers did
not need that image in their heads. <She pulls out an envelope and
stuffs Xellos in it. Then she writes on the front `To M. Hope this
helps you prove your theory.'>

Xellos:<muffled> Not that! Anything but that!

Gourry: I'm confused.

Author: Like that's a surprise. So are the readers, so a slight
digression...

Zel: only four or five pages...

Author: Shush! Or yaoi. I swear I will torment you for the rest of my
life with horrible pairings. Anyway, M. is a friend who has a bunch of
interesting theories about Slayers. Her sister has even more
interesting theories. Trust me, Xellos will not enjoy helping to prove
those theories. Now let's untie Rezo and get on with the story...

Rezo: In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.

Zel: Huh?

Gourry: What?

Zel: Was there a point to that?

Author: He told you what the phrase meant.

Gourry: What phrase?

Zel, noticing the author's growing desire to fireball Gourry, broke
in.

Zel: Remember the writing on the rock. That's what it meant.

Gourry: Oh! So what does that mean?

Zel: That's a very good question. <Turns to author> So, what does that
mean?

Rezo: Only Cthulhu can cure you. You must find him in R'lyeh and offer
him appropriate sacrifices. If you are lucky, he will give you back
flesh. <In an unheard undertone> Of course, that's not necessarily
your original flesh and certainly not your current form.

Rezo chimes his staff and vanishes. This exit would be very impressive
if he weren't still in his underpants.

Gourry: So Zel, what do you plan to do now?

Zel: I don't know. I'm not sure I trust Rezo.

Author: Yes, you do.

Zel: Why?

Author: Because otherwise I make your life a living hell. Any other
questions?

Zel begins to open his mouth. Gourry immediately slaps his hand over
it.

Author: Wise move, Gourry. Now back to the story.

Zel and Gourry left the ruins and returned to the campsite. Neither of
the girls was there yet.

Zel: I'm going to the library. Maybe I can find something about this
Cthulhu character.

Gourry: There's a great hot spring near here. I don't know about you
but I could sure use a bath.

Zel: Sounds good. I think I'll join you.

What will happen? Will Zel find a cure? Will Cthulhu turn him into a
horrible monster? Will the author go insane? Tune in next time for
Remembrances of Anchordom or The Blue Man and the Sea.