Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Bowtie of doom ❯ Raze V Mario ( Chapter 9 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

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There used to be a piece of news here, but now there isn’t. Hey ho.
*P.S. I deleted the news.

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Special Commemorative Chapter Of Bowtie Of Doom!

Raze and the Sonic Team+ friends VS The Mario All Stars! Let battle commence!

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Guy: It’s great to be back in our real jobs, fight fans, as we see a bunch of dirty stinking animals fight two fat plumbers, a princess wearing pink everythings, a guy with a mushroom on his head, two deranged dinosaurs and an ugly gorilla!
Gal: Yup! Let me ring the bell!
Guy: No, I wanna ring the bell!
Gal: Go to frickin’ hell, Essex boy!
Guy: You hurt my feelings!
Gal: Come here, and I’ll hurt your nose!
Guy: NOOOOOO! MY NOSE IS INSURED! I JUST HAD A FACELIFT!
(The Mushroom Kingdom)
Raze: Talking of facelifts, I can think of a few people who need them.
TheVulpineHero1: And I’m not a dirty great stinking animal! I just like karaoke!
ScootTH: And breaking beer bottles using an office stapler.
Sonic: Where are we anyway?
TheVulpineHero1: Hmm. There are mushrooms growing everywhere, little fat brown things with huge mouths and turtles wandering around public places. Yup, we’re in France.
Tails: What? I can’t speak French!
Raze: I can, but it just feels so wrong.
Knuckles: French? I only speak Lintish!
Amy: O.O
Rouge: O.O
Cream: O.O’
Shadow: O.O
Sonic: What’s going on?
Tails: Yeah, what’s going on?
Cream: Well, Tails, now that a male fuzzie character who actually wears clothes is among us, you, Knuckles and Sonic are classed as butt naked. (Pulls out camera and takes pictures whilst cackling)
Sonic: ARRGHHH! (Tries to hide behind Tails)
Tails: Sonic, you’re naked! Don’t stand behind me, you pervert!
Sonic: ARRGHH! (Tries to hide behind Shadow)
Shadow: I’m comfortable with this.
Sonic: ARRGHH! (Tries to hide behind Knuckles)
Knuckles: I don’t swing that way, unless it’s a Saturday.
Sonic: ARRGHH! (Tries to hide behind Amy)
Amy: Yes please.
Sonic: ARRGHH! (Runs away screaming)
Cream: Anyway, (keeps taking pictures) why are we here?
Raze: I dunno. It’s the last time I let TheVulpineHero1 drive the frickin’ Bow-minivan.
TheVulpineHero1: It’s my van! Why can’t I drive it?
ScootTH: Why do we drive around in a van anyway?
Tails: Because we like to ride around solving mysteries with our dog, then going to a ‘malt shop’ and pretending no one hates us.
Amy: Woof! Ramy Wamy Roo!
Knuckles: Well, with Rouge on my head, I’m kinda feeling the breeze between my knees. I’m gonna go got dressed.
TheVulpineHero1: As you should. This fan fiction has standards, you know.
(Audience laughs)
ScootTH: That’s REALLY creepy.
(A few moments later)
Knuckles: Okay, I’m coming out of this strange, closet-shaped enclosure now! (Steps out, wearing a surfer outfit)
Rouge: Hey, nice outfit.
Raze: An echidna with bleach blonde dreadlocks, oversized wave shorts and a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘Big Al’s Tuna Shack’. Why am I here watching this?
Tails: Okay! I’m coming out now! (Steps out, dressed in all black sporting cut marks all over himself)
Cream: O.O! I like Emo-Tails!
Tails: And this outfit gives me super powers as well! Here they go! (engages super powers)
Cream: O.O O.O O.O
Amy: Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah…
Shadow: (starts foaming at the mouth)
Tails: I’M BALD! DON’T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Raze: I don’t like looking at you anyway…
Sonic: Okay, I’m ready to come back now!
Amy: Fantastic!
TheVulpineHero1: That’s my word. No usey.
Amy: Shut your mouth, fool!
TheVulpineHero1: Tut-tut-tut. I’m going to have to beat some sense into you.
Amy: I’m the one with the hammer.
TheVulpineHero1: I’m the one with the bodyguard. Raze? Oh, RAAAAZE!
Raze: Hello, I’d like one beer, and one for my each of my 352 friends, who just happen to look and sound exactly the same as me.
Mario: You’ve-a got it!
Luigi: Hey, it’s-a Mario!
Raze: Yeah, well I’m-a getting sober. Hurry the hell up, you pair of clowns.
Luigi: Hey! We ain’t-a no clowns! We’re-a plumbers!
TheVulpineHero1: I know you two from somewhere, don’t I?
ScootTH: IT’S MARIO MARIO AND LUIGI MARIO!
TheVulpineHero1: Oh, those guys in the nursing home, Looey and Marque.
Mario: Hey, little crazy dude! You’re-a starting to annoy me!
Luigi: You don’t wanna see what happens when he gets annoyed…Gross!
Amy: Why gross, fat plumber man?
Luigi: (Loud whisper) He’s a cannibal!
Sonic: Cannibal? Where?
Amy: What the hell do you think you’re doing, Sonic? What are you dressed as?
Sonic: As a nudist! Get off my back, woman! No, seriously. You oughta see the number of tennis balls back there….
Shadow: So, aren’t you the guys from the video games? You aren’t really real, right?
Mario: Hey, what-a you think you doing, getting all up in my grill, in my-a crib? This is-a war!
Raze: Finally, something I’m interested in. Lead the way.
Mario: Down the power pipe! (Doot-doot-doot)
Sonic: What the heck.
Everyone(who matters): Doot-doot-doot!
(The roof of Princess Peach’s castle)
Mario: Here-a we are!
Tails: What dumbass decided to make a transport system that goes through the sewers?
Rouge: And why did we have to go whilst the lady of the house was unloading her cargo? That stank!
Knuckles: How’d you know if it was a lady?
Rouge: Trust me hon. I know.
Mario: Well-a, this is my playground!
Luigi: Mine-a too!
Mario: Quit copying me, you berk!
Luigi: Berk is not-a an Italian word, you berk!
Raze: I would say that I hate your guts. But, since my claws will shortly be jammed through them, I doubt it matters.
TheVulpineHero1: WAIT! If we’re battling the Super Mario Brothers, we need to sing the theme tune!
ScootTH: Okay then. Sing it.
TheVulpineHero1: YAY! KARAOKE! (Everyone sweat drops) Oh, and by the way, this is actually a real song. Which I don’t own.
Mario: Hey, Piazzinos! It’s the Super Mario Brothers Super show!
Toad: Dee dee-dee, da-dee da, doo!
Luigi: (Rapping) We’re the Mario brothers and plumbing’s our game
We’re not like the others, who get all the fame
Mario: (Rapping Badly) If your sink is in trouble,
You can call us on the double
We’re faster than the others
You’ll be hooked on the brothers!
(Knuckles begins to headspin, grinding Rouge into a fine paste)
Uh!!
Luigi: Hooked on the brothers!!!
Mario: (Rapping again) Yo!
Luigi: You’re in for a treat, so hang on to your seat
Get ready for adventures and remarkable feats!
(Sonic holds up a lighter)
Mario: You’ll meet Koopas and Troopas
The princess and the others
Hanging with the plumbers
You’ll be hooked on the brothers!
Luigi: Take it to the brim!
TheVulpineHero1: (Makes Mario sound effects)
Amy: Boogey!
ScootTH: Let’s do the insidious Whoop-Whoop dance!
Tails: (Begins waltzing with Cream)
Cream: (Stealthily leads Tails away)
Vanilla: Hello! I just got back from my lunch with the princess of this here house! OO’
Raze: What are you OO’-ing at?
Vanilla: Rap music!
Shadow: No! Don’t stop the rap! I is getting’ down wit ma crew, an’ I is jammin’ all the way to Mobius! AYSHE!
Vanilla: Stop the rap? I just dropped by to say PUMP IT UP, BOYEE!
Mario: (Pumps it up)
Raze: Can I kill now?
ScootTH: Wait a minute.
Mario: (Pumps up even more)
Luigi: UH!!! UH!!!
Mario: (Carries on pumping)
Luigi: I SAID A-HOOKED, HOOKED, HOOKED, HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS! WORD!
Mario: Oops. I think I may have pumped it up too much.
Luigi: What exactly were you pumping up?
Mario: The sewage pipes.
Raze: Then I think it’s fairly accurate to say that you guys are well and truly in the sh-
(The castle explodes in a shower of faeces, syringes and SEGA employees)
(Nowhere)
Cream: Oh, Tails, I’m so glad you finally put some clothes on.
Tails: So am I.
Cream: Now, I have the pleasure of taking them off.
Tails: h-hey! I may not like wearing clothes, but you can’t take my clothes off!
Cream: Watch me.
Tails: Huh? W-w-what’s that? Is that the…the…BOWTIE OF DOOM?
Cream: Say hello to my forgotten little friend!
Tails: ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Mushroom Kingdom)
Guy: Well, fight fans, after faffing around for several pages, no one has actually thrown a punch.
Gal: And the only person hurt so far has been Rouge, who everyone has forgotten about.
Guy: And so, we ridicule everyone in this rather pathetic fan fiction- hey, who are you?
Raze: Now, who wants to see what their intestines look like?
Gal: Gulp. Wait, did I just say that?
(Rubble of Mushroom Castle)
Mario: Wow. That was a bloody big bang.
Luigi: You’re-a telling me!
Vanilla: Yay! I’M COVERED IN FILFTH AND I LOVE IT!
Shadow: Hey baby. Wanna get down some time?
Vanilla: You’d better believe it, buster!
Sonic: Vanilla and Shadow? Excuse me whilst I vomit over a random innocent person. (Pukes over Knuckles)
Knuckles: Hey! I finally found something that smells worse than Rouge does!
Rouge: Hey!
Knuckles: Don’t protest! You’re on my head most of the time, so I get front row seats to the fart symphony!
Amy: Hey, Mr. plumber person?
Mario: That’s-a me, ugly lady.
Amy: I need the bathroom.
Mario: Well, it’s right behind you.
(Everyone turns to see Princess Peach shaving a beard)
Peach: Hey, this is what happens when I go without make-up.
Mario: Mama mia! Now that’s a foxy looking lady!
Raze: (Casually kicks a goomba off a cliff) You people are boring me. I’m going to hit Fairy for a while.
Shadow: Ulp! Don’t come near me, fur ball!
Raze: (Breaks the neck of an innocent toad) And what makes you think I’ll listen to your advice?
TheVulpineHero1: Shadow has a Samurai sword!
Shadow: Yeah! (Takes Samurai sword out of his pocket- you know the pocket I mean…)
Gordon Brown: Halt! In the name of Soviet Britain, halt!
TheVulpineHero1: Excuse me. I need to talk to the Prime Minister.
ScootTH: Me too.
Raze: I’ll speak to him, but in my own language!
Gordon Brown: TheVulpineHero1, I find you guilty of political satire, amusing adventures, talent and making fun of my good friend, Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson: Eee-hee! Why dontcha just make me a permanent character? I’ve been trying to persuade Tails to sit on my lap for a long time!
Tails: (Runs into view screaming) Hey guys. (Looks at Michael Jackson) (Runs out of view screaming)
Cream: (Runs into view with a bowtie, dressed, for some strange reason, as Pocahontas) Tails, wait for me! (Looks at Michael Jackson) (Runs off screaming)
Michael: Aww.
Gordon Brown: Shadow! I’m ashamed of you! Your behaviour at that curious bar was reprehensible!
Rouge: I’ve had enough of this! I’m being ignored! I’m getting my own story! (Runs off sobbing)
Knuckles: My head…It feels so cold…WAAAAAAAHHHH!
Gordon Brown: And furthermore, people using the internet to view your stories add to CO2 emissions! And you throw away too much rubbish! The camera in the bin told us so! And you laughing at my girly suit is wasting oxygen!
TheVulpineHero1: I know how to settle this dispute and solve all of these problems in a completely civilised way.
(Destruction Derby)
Gordon Brown: This is completely against me and all I stand for!
Guy: We don’t care. It’s good for the ratings.
Gordon Brown: But this isn’t being televised! Our TV channel bugging devices told us so!
Gal: Shut up, before we parade you in a leotard.
TheVulpineHero1: Alright, Gordon. Now, I have a few questions for you before we start.
Gordon Brown: And what if I don’t answer?
ScootTH: Ve haff vays of making you talk, meester Brown. (Clicks)
(Raze, Mario, Luigi and Big the cat advance menacingly)
(Raze, Mario and Luigi look at each other and nod)
(Raze, Mario and Luigi kick seven shades of kitty magic out of Big)
TheVulpineHero1: Now, the rules are…
Sonic: You die. Quite soon.
Amy: I’m so happy with Sonic as a nudist!
Tails: (Runs in) Cream, take your hands out of my pockets!
Cream: (Cakles…No, wait, I mean cackles) Never!
Guy: Right! Now, we’re going to be commenting on this Derby!
Gal: Yup! I’m going to be commenting on it!
Guy: No, me.
Gal: No, me!
Eggman: Us! U-S-S-S-S-S-T! We shall commentate!
Gal: Weren’t you just stroking Gordon Brown?
Eggman: No, of course not!
Gal: (Waits)
Eggman: Hey, he has a very shiny girly suit, okay! I can stroke what I like!
TheVulpineHero1: And this is Ken Kenny Ken Ken behind the mike, commentatorin’ on this historic match.
Gordon: So, who’s my opponent?
Raze: Let’s just say that he’s infinitely better than Shadow.
Amy: That could be anyone!
Raze: It’s me, you pink pinhead.
Gordon Brown: To a good match!
Raze: Yup. Oh, and thanks for the spare parts.
Gordon Brown: What spare parts?
Raze: Oh, I needed a car, so I took yours. If you look closely, you’re actually sitting in a bathtub with desk chair wheels attached to it.
ScootTH: I wondered what was wrong with that car.
Princess Peach: Quit talking and MAIM HIM!
Vanilla: Yeah! WE WANNA SEE SOME BLOOD!
ScootTH: Hey. (Climbs into the bathtub) You know, I always wondered what it would be like to have a bath.
TheVulpineHero1: (Has a checklist, lol) Right…So, Guy and Gal are commentating, Cream is molesting Tails, Vanilla and Peach have been consumed by their own bloodlust, Raze stole a car, Rouge quit, Amy‘s doing the sound effects…Where’s Mario and Luigi?
Sonic: Getting their enemas.
TheVulpineHero1: Where’s Knuckles?
Sonic: Outside.
(Outside)
Knuckles: Damn you! All I wanted was some grape juice! YOU TOOK MY MONEY!
Vending Machine: One day, I shall take your soul.
(Destruction Derby)
TheVulpineHero1: Eggman is…uh…
Sonic: Looking up ‘The Village People’ on Google.
TheVulpineHero1: Right, right…So where’s Sonic?
Sonic: I dunno.
TheVulpineHero1: So. Let’s get this Destruction Derby started! Amy, starting noises!
Amy: Aye-aye, sir! (Takes a deep breath)
Raze: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a fifteen second head start.
Gordon Brown: But there isn’t a track! The entire rally is just a moving screen with some music! Look! (Points at the screen, which is kinda like one of those stupid fake surfing screens)
Raze: And?
Amy: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
Gordon Brown: Ah, hello? My bath is leaking. Can I get a plumber?
Mario+Luigi: Doot Doot Doot! The plumbers are here!
Luigi: Hey, Mario, why did we have to go past Detroit whilst we were in the sewage system.
Mario: Good question. There is no easy answer.
Gordon Brown: Hey. My bath is broken-
Mario: I guessed that.
Gordon Brown: -and you may need to take it back to the shop!
TheVulpineHero1: And Gordon Brown has already used at least 7 seconds of his head start! The bath’s four wheel drive should be giving it a huge advantage, but lack of acceleration and top end may be a problem!
Guy: Eatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmoreca keeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmorecakeeatmore cakeeatmorecake!
Gal: Eatingmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatin gmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatingmorecakeeatingmorecake!
Eggman: I wish I were a monster with a spider on my nose, I’d cover it in jam and then I’d stick it on my toes, but if I were a human and I owned a silly cat, I’d jump up and down cause I’d be a very silly pr-…ahem, idiot!
Amy: VROOM! VROOM VROOM! BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAACH!
TheVulpineHero1: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAACH? What’s that supposed to be?
Amy: Screeching brakes! Tortured tires! The sound of Gordon Brown being splattered to death!
Mario: Shall we take it back to the shop?
Luigi: I don’t know.
Mario: Do we have a shop?
Luigi: I’m not sure.
Mario: When did we lose our Italian accents?
Luigi: I forgot.
Mario: Do you actually know anything?
Luigi: Do I get paid to answer no?
Gordon Brown: No, but you do get paid to move this bath before I get squished.
Luigi: Why do we care? All we have to do to get money is hit bricks all day.
Mario: I don’t know, Luigi. That IS manual labour.
Luigi: Maybe we should try to do work that gives more money for less effort.
Mario: But would we get the same job satisfaction?
(Half an hour later)
TheVulpineHero1: GAAAAAH! Someone shoot the Mario Brothers!
Cream: Puff…wheeze…Tails, wait up…
Tails: No…cough…I won’t let you near me…
ScootTH: Snore…snore…why do I keep saying snore? Oh well…Snore…
Guy: Can’t eat anymore cake…
Gal: Can’t eating anymore cake…wait, there’s something wrong with that…
(Outside)
Raze: I just wanted a cup of tea. What have you done with my money?
Vending Machine: The question is not what I have done with your money, but what I shall do with your soul.
Raze: Huh. (Kicks vending machine)
Vending Machine: Ow.
Raze: This is fun. I think I’ll just keep doing it.
Vending Machine: What’ll it take to get you to stop?
Raze: This week’s takings.
Vending Machine: Done. (Gold, sapphires, rubies, emeralds, the Mona Lisa and Knuckles’ soul fall out)
Raze: And a cup of tea.
Vending Machine: Must I? It’s degrading.
Raze: Why?
Vending Machine: Do I ask you to pee in a cup, then dribble fake cow milk into it?
Raze: No.
Vending Machine: Then push off, buddy.
(Destruction Derby)
TheVulpineHero1: That’s it! Get out of my fanfic! OUT! OUT!
Mario: AWW! Mama mia!
Luigi: Shut up, berk.
Gordon Brown: Hmph. This is racism. At least, I think it is.
Michael Jackson: Eee-aww! I wanted to stay with the kiddies a little longer!
ScootTH: Goodbye, my friends…It was fun…sob…
TheVulpineHero1: Not you.
ScootTH: Whoopee!
TheVulpineHero1: Right! Next time on Bowtie Of Doom, there WILL be jet powered sheep, there WILL be a strike by the characters, and there WILL be war against the French! I promise ye! GOODBYE!

*Note* TheVulpineHero1 does not view a promise to be legally binding, and isn’t particularly good at keeping them. In other words, don’t count on it. Just suspect it. Muhahahahahaha….

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