Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ The Wrath of Archie Comics ( Chapter 1 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS!!!

consisting of...

(Dramatic drum roll)

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Hear him say: "What? Who's talking? What's going on?"

(Dramatic drum, um, sticks?)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Hear her announce: "I'm <dramatic sidestep>... (long pause, then shrugs)"

(dramatic... violins!?) And, making his dramatic, temporary return to writing fanfiction,

===> C M A <===

Hear him quip: "Well, I have a lot of things to get off my chest, starting with the state of society today. You know those stupid people on the bus? I have a real problem--"

(And it goes on like this...)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: We don't own these characters, but we own this fanfic. Don't steal it.

GMS: Yeah, she's reading that out because she's the boring one!

Judge Neusy: HEY! <viciously attacks GMS>

GMS: OW! Hey, that freakin' hurts!

===> C M A <===: The sad part is, this is really happening...

<several minutes later>

===> C M A <===: The following is me typing, word for word, exactly what Judge Neusy was saying as she was pacing around the computer to kill time when we couldn't think of how to start this story. This is not made up.

Judge Neusy: I don't know how to start it. Don't type what I'm saying. CARLOS! STOO--OOO--OOOP!!! I like that song. <mumbles> STOOOOOP! Not funny! Stop typing! CARLOS! I'm so serious! Okay, I'm not going to say anything. That'll ruin your fun. <whimpers> YOU CAN'T PUT THAT! I didn't whimper! Apollo, did I whimper? He's typing everything I'm saying! Carlos! But I have to talk--it's part of my nature! He's saying it again what a dipshit! CARLOS! Are you doing this until we get an idea? Apollo stop--NOOOO! Apollo start so he'll stop typing my voice! <silent for a moment> <starts to *almost* giggle> No I'm not! I'M NOT! <mumble> STOP IT! STOP IT!

===> C M A <===: Okay, we've got to start this, seriously...

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Day 1

15:00

Eggman Cafe

[Sonic and Shadow are having coffee, talking about nothing in particular.]

Shadow: I have a weird feeling about this place... Anyway, Sonic, remember the end of the second Card Captor Sakura movie?

Sonic [sipping coffee]: How could I forget?

Shadow: Okay, remember how they ended it with Sakura in mid-air over that gap in the stairs, about to land in Shaoran's arms?

Sonic: Your point being?

Shadow: They didn't show her making it! For all we know, she could have fallen to her bloody death!

Sonic: Dude, she's got the Fly card, and the Float card, AND the Jump card, AND--the rest of them! The point is, she could easily break her fall.

Shadow: Or break her neck.

Sonic: But she just discovered the love of her life! You cruel bastard!

[Awkward silence.]

Sonic: Wow, that got boring fast.

Shadow [grimacing after sipping some coffee]: This coffee tastes like Eggman!

Sonic [giving Shadow an odd look]: How would you know what Eggman tastes like?

Shadow: I bit him once.

Sonic: Why did you bite him?

Shadow: It's actually a perfectly legitimate and sensible story. You see--

[Some random person runs through the window]

Random Person A [yelling frantically]: OH DEAR GOD! SOMEONE'S STEALING THE BANK!

Shadow: You mean "robbing" the bank.

Random Person A [still yelling]: NO, ACTUALLY STEALING THE BANK! LIKE WITH THREE HELICOPTERS AND A FOURTH SLIGHTLY SMALLER HELICOPTER!

Sonic [holding his ears]: Holy Christ, man, I'm two feet away from you! Stop yelling!

Shadow: Well, at least it wasn't me this time.

Random Person A [for some reason still yelling, pointing like a gimp towards Shadow]: IT WAS YOU! YOU WERE STEALING THE BANK!

Shadow: How could I be stealing the bank when I was right here, sipping coffee that tastes like Eggman?

Sonic: You know what we need, Shadow?

Shadow: Nail clippers made specifically for toe nails, so that we don't hurt our toes?

Sonic: They sell toe nail clippers already, Shadow.

Shadow [really mad]: SON OF A BITCH!!!

Sonic: What we need is a superhero team!

Shadow [rubbing chin in thought]: Consisting of who?

Sonic: Well, the two of us, Tails, Knuckles, possibly Rouge, and Amy as our cute, just waiting to be kidnapped secretary.

Shadow [cocking an eyebrow]: You've already organized this and you haven't told me about it?

Random Person A [yelling, yet again]: WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL TALKING!? SAVE THE BANK! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Shadow: Can I kill him?

Sonic: Tempting, but no. If we're gonna be superheroes, we must SAVE people, not destroy them.

Shadow: The Punisher kills people, and he's a hero. So is Venom.

Sonic: Well, this is different. Besides, those two are "anti-heroes." We're gonna be real heroes.

Shadow: Now, we shall save the bank.

Sonic [pulling out cell phone]: Shouldn't we tell the rest of our superhero brethren?

Shadow: What's a "brethren?"

Sonic: For living in a scientific space colony most of your life, you sure don't know alot of big words.

Shadow: Jackanape! I loathe your unappreciative intolerance of my vocabulary capacity! Insolence and treason!

Sonic: Talk like yourself, Shakespeare.

Shadow: You is no fun.

Random Person A [wait for it: yelling]: OH MY JESUS FREAKIN' GOD! SAVE THE BANK!

Sonic: Okay, Shadow, as the leader of our new superhero posse--

Shadow: HEY! Why are YOU the leader!?

Sonic: Shut up. As the leader of our new superhero posse--

Shadow: Is that our team name, the "Superhero Posse?"

Sonic: SHUT UP!!! What I'm trying to get at is this: Shadow, go on ahead and try to take on the bad guys. I'll finish my coffee and then call the rest.

Shadow [mumbling various curse words under his breath]: Ass...

______________________________________________

INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [wearing top hat, gym pants, bow tie, and no shirt]: Hello, good people. Would you like to buy some used cars and used furniture at greatly reduced prices? All you have to do is pledge allegiance to the <trumpets playing> Eggman Empire! You'll do glorious things for the Empire, like cleaning toilets, with the possibility of more toilets to come! You'll get treated like dirt by ME! You might even get to be a human shield for my new Egg Carrier XI! Then, you'll get a used car installed with used furniture! Who needs a car seat when you have a pine oak coat hanger? Hemorrhoids, schmemorrhoids! <looks down, shaking head in disgust> Okay, freakin' CUT! What the hell is this? Wh, what are we doing, Bob?

Bob [off camera, with a poor Scottish accent]: Ach! I dinnae know, sir! Stop yellin' at me! And for kilt-flying sake, put a shirt on!

Eggman: I'm telling you, I'm a sexy bitch! If I put a shirt on, we'll lose 50% of our female audience! That means of the four women who watch this commercial, two will NO LONGER EXIST!

Bob [looking confused]: No... longer... exist, sir?

Eggman: Well, um... [rubs chin] WAIT! I know!

Bob: You dinnae know, do ya, sir?

Eggman: No, no I don't. Bah, we'll wait until the next commercial.

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

15:15

Some Rooftop

[From a nearby rooftop, Shadow is watching the bank being air lifted away by the three helicopters and fourth slightly smaller helicopter.]

Shadow: I wish I thought of that--I mean, I must stop them! HAHAHA!

[Shadow leaps towards the slightly smaller helicopter and peaks inside, seeing...]

Shadow: ARCHIE!? That little piece of turd shit is stealing the bank in a clever fashion? Inconceivable!

[Shadow grabs onto the propeller and starts spinning in a comical yet dramatic fashion. Really.]

Shadow [realizing that his plan had a flaw]: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Archie [really HIGH, puberty-drenched, nerdy voice]: HEY! THERE'S SOMEONE SWEARING ON THE PROPELLER! THAT GUY'S LOUDER THAN VERONICA IN THE SACK! MR. WEATHERBEE WON'T LIKE THIS!

Shadow [still spinning]: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK [gets chucked off of the blade he was holding on to] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

[Shadow, falling to some big pain, gets caught by Tails.]

Tails [holding Shadow by his arms]: Heya, Shadow! Watcha doin' way up here?

Shadow [spirally anime-eyes]: Hey Tails how going is good hey--

Tails: What?

Shadow [shakes off dizziness]: Hey, Tails, you'll never believe this! Guess who's trying to steal the bank?

Tails: Longtime favorite comic book character Archie Andrews?

Shadow: No, it's--hey, that's right! Well fuck you.

Tails: You know, I can drop you anytime.

Shadow: Did Sonic tell you about our new superhero team?

Tails: Yep! He told me, [let's go of Shadow to count on his fingers] and Knuckles, and Rouge, and Amy, and even Eggman! But Eggman wanted nothing to do with it--something about commercials...

Shadow: TAILS! CATCH ME YOU STUPID MOTHERF--

[Shadow lands right beside a soft mattress.]

Shadow [lifting face out of concrete]: Note to self: kill mutant fox boy. And, upgrade jet shoes. Definitely need to fly on own.

Tails [landing]: Sorry...

Shadow [standing up in a triumphant way]: Worry not, for it makes up for me accidentally trying to kill you all the time! Come, we must stop one carrot-topped geek!

Tails: All right!

[Tails airlifts Shadow back to the scene, where they meet Sonic, Knuckles, Rouge, and Amy. Amy won't let go of Sonic's arm.]

Sonic [trying to pry Amy off his arm with a crowbar]: Hey, Shadow, what kept you?

Shadow: Well, I was walking on the roof, then I jumped onto the slightly smaller helicopter, saw Archie stealing the bank, then--

Sonic [shakes Amy off]: WHOA, TIME OUT! Hold the phone; just one second, here!... [long pause] You were walking?

[Suddenly, the slightly smaller helicopter swoops down on our heroes. Archie swipes Amy.]

Archie [gay ass puberty laugh]: HAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHA! Now that I have Amy, you'll [falls off helicopter] all face myAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Tails: What a fag.

[Archie falls face first in front of our heroes. Amy lands on top of him.]

Archie [grabbing Amy and running off]: So loOOOong, suckers! HAhaHAhaHA...

Knuckles [typical boring self]: Damn, he's very slowly getting away.

Amy [screaming]: You guys! You're faster than cars! Just SAVE ME!

Rouge [totally ignoring Amy]: Shouldn't we be thinking of our superhero team name?

Amy [screaming louder]: GOD DAMN YOU, HELP ME! [voice fades]

Sonic: You're right! To Tails's pla--

Tails: NO! Dammit, Sonic, you already bum there; you're not using my house as--[everyone walks away] HEY, DAMMIT!!! Oh, screw it. You can't fight the man.

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Day 1

16:26

Tails's House/Garage/Mystic Ruins Base

[Tails is serving Crispix mix with Cheerios, popcorn, and nachos. And salsa; don't forget the salsa. Oh, and cheese. Lots o' cheese.]

Rouge: Hey, Tails, do you own this mountain or something? [turns on sultry voice while playing with Tails's three strands of hair] Because I could get used to a man owning a mountain...

Tails [blushing uncontrollably]: I feel funny...

Knuckles: Hey, Rouge, I own my own island. FLOATING island. With a MASTER EMERALD. That has POWERS!

Rouge [thinking Knuckles sneezed]: Bless you.

Knuckles [death glare towards Tails]: Stay away from my woman, you little shit--

Tails: Hey, Knuckles, didn't I kick your ass, like, twice?

Knuckles [remembering Sonic 3 & Knuckles and the original Sonic Adventure]: I can't get a freakin' break, can I? [Sulks on sofa]

Shadow: Um, you're sitting on my nachos.

Knuckles [notices pointy, crumbly sensation on buttocks]: OH, FUCK!

Sonic: Knuckles, Shadow, I'm trying to watch The Young and The Restless, here!

Shadow: Sonic, you don't care for that show.

Sonic [realizes Shadow's right]: Oh, yeah!

[Tails turns off the TV and stands on top of it.]

Tails [voice of authority]: OKAY, everyone, we have to decide on a team name so that [gets beaned by piece of Crispix] we can rescue Amy and [gets hit by several more Crispix bits] get on with [dodges bowl]--SHADOW! What the hell are you doing?

Shadow [ready to throw another bowl]: What?

Tails: I can see you!

[Moment of silence, then Shadow throws bowl. Tails barely dodges.]

Tails: Dammit, Shadow, I kicked his ass twice [points at Knuckles]; I sure as hell can kick yours!

[Shadow blinks, doesn't say anything for a few seconds, and then hurls another bowl.]

Tails: RIGHT HERE!!! [Flies into Shadow, head butting his gut.]

Sonic: Okay, guys, break it up! We have to stop this!

[Tails and Shadow have each other in sleeper holds.]

Sonic: Fine, WE'LL decide the team name.

Knuckles: How about, The Playmates?

Rouge: What are you, 10?

Tails [giving People's Elbow to grounded Shadow]: Yep, sure am! [Misses elbow and receives a Rock Bottom.]

Knuckles: Well, what would YOU suggest, Ms. Queen of the Harpies?

Rouge: How about something cool and edgy like... The Pickpockets?

Knuckles: We aren't thieves, Rouge.

Rouge [stealing Tails's TV]: Speak for yourself!

Sonic: I've got one that'll kick the asses of ALL your suggestions!

Knuckles: We only made two. Three, counting yours.

Shadow [holding Tails's head down with his boot]: THE DARK NIGHTMARE AND POSSE!!!

Sonic: Remember the saying, Shadow, "No man is an island."

Shadow [crossing arms]: Well, I'm the exception. Besides, I'm a hedgehog, not an island.

Knuckles [speaking to Rouge]: Did I mention I own an island with tropical weather, hot springs, performances by a real rap band, and hot [starts drooling], steamy, MOIST--

All except Knuckles [screaming in unison]: SHADDAP!!!

Knuckles [low voice]: I'll be good.

Tails [dusting himself off]: We'll finish this later, Shadow. [Gives death glare to Shadow, then turns HAPPY again!] I suggest "Companions!"

Sonic: No offence, Tails, but that was even gayer than Shadow's!

Shadow: What's wrong with [lightning crackles] THE DARK NIGHTMARE AND POSSE!? I can't believe you don't like that name!

Sonic: Where'd that lightning come from?

Shadow: Wasn't me.

Sonic: I've got several suggestions that are cutting edge! [Pulls out list] Cut Friends! Edge Row! Inter-Companions! Cheese Batons! The Camcorders!...

Shadow: My god, we're gonna be here for a while...

[Twenty minutes later.]

Sonic [still talking, voice losing excitement]: ...The JuJu's, The Breast Friends--that one's for you, Rouge, Nail Clippers, Intercoms, The Hedgehogians, Maxwell House of Death, Archie Comics--oh, yeah, Pen Pals, People who Don't Like Pepperoni on Their Pizza, Cronies, The Videocassettes--

Shadow [bringing himself out of coma]: HOLD UP! What was that last one you said before The Videocassettes?

Sonic: Librarian Album Alarms?

Shadow: No.

Sonic: The Collection-aters?

Shadow [forehead vein]: No...

Sonic: Tab-Tec Incorporated?

Shadow [losing it]: NO!

Sonic: Cronies?

Shadow: NO--wait, YES! That one rolls of the tongue! It's cutting edge! It appeals to a wide audience!

[Everyone else wakes up.]

Tails: Cronies? I like it!

Knuckles: The Breast Friends? Booby-licious!

Rouge: No, Cronies.

Knuckles: So who's rolling off who's tongue?

Rouge: Get away from me.

[Villain alarm starts ringing.]

Shadow: How convenient!

Sonic: Right, we let Archie slip right through our fingers, didn't we?

Shadow: COME, we must go, Dark Nightmare and Posse!

Sonic: It's Cronies, man.

Shadow: Well fuck you.

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Announcer: Remember Jared? He lost 678 lbs. by drinking nothing but Subway pop for 17 months!

Jared [walking briskly on the beach, talking to camera]: The pop had to be from Subway!

[Jared sees Eggman sunbathing, wearing top hat, gym pants, bow tie, and no shirt.]

Jared: HEY EGGMAN! COME ALONG!

Eggman [startled]: What? Who? Um... okay!

[They walk briskly to the nearest Subway.]

Jared: I'll have 3 mL of Sprite, please!

[Attendant pulls out tiny cup, fills it with precisely 3 mL of Sprite.]

Attendant [very gruff, construction worker voice]: That'll be $7.50, plus a dollar 'cause yer goofy lookin'!

Jared: Thanks! [Devours cup.] What are you getting, Eggman?

Eggman [browsing menu]: OOOOOH! They're all so tempting! I don't know what I want! [Thinks for a second.] I GOT IT! I will have the tuna lard sandwich with extra fat!

Attendant: Would you like fat from the other meats too, as well, in addition, sir?

Eggman: Yes, and mush it into an extra chunky gravy paste, if you would!

Attendant: Here you go, fatty!

[Eggman takes a large bit of the sandwich. Several gross squishing noises are heard. Fat is hanging off chin(s) and mustache(s).]

Eggman [mouth full]: Schwweeeeeeeeeet!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

Eggman: HEY! GET THE CAMERA OFF ME!

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Day 1

20:47

A Suitcase Within the Slightly Smaller Helicopter

[Our heroes, although perfectly capable of kicking nerd-boy Archie's ass easily, decide to go the Metal Gear Solid route and sneak into Archie's secret not-so-secret base. They all devised a plan to stow away in a suitcase within the slightly smaller helicopter.]

Sonic [struggling]: Shadow, are you grinding my face with your hover skate shoes on purpose?

Shadow: Your point being?

Knuckles [talking low]: Shut up, guys, or you're gonna give us away! I need more dialogue!

Rouge: Fox-boy, where's your hand?

Tails [thinking]: Someplace warm...

[Rouge knocks out Tails, remembers he owns a mountain, revives him, strokes Tails's three little hairs, ALL WITHIN THE DARK CONFINES OF THE SUITCASE! It works. Really.]

______________________________________________

Day 1

20:52

Outside the Archie Comic Base

Sonic [last one out of the suitcase]: Okay, guys, we have to think of a plan.

Shadow [angry]: Dammit, Sonic, stupid fox-mutant here, while taking a freakin' crap, can think of plans better and faster than you can!

Tails [innocently drawing on concrete with chalk]: Pardon?

Sonic: Anyway, I found an air duct which allows only two of the five of us entry.

Shadow [confused]: Whoa, where did you find this air duct?

Sonic: Shut up. Oddly enough, Tails, Rouge, and myself are the only ones who cannot fit into the air duct.

Shadow: Just great; I'll be stuck with Mr. Lame-Ass!

Knuckles: Sticks and stones, Shadow. Your insults are lame.

Shadow [angry]: I JUST SAID "LAME," YOU BORING PIECE OF ECHIDNA CRAP!

Sonic: Okay, you two, you have to get in, get the doors open for the rest of us, and get out within five minutes.

Tails: Umm, why don't we just bust in? We all know they stand no chance!

Sonic: We're doing this stealth-style! You're just a kid, you wouldn't understand.

Tails: My IQ is, like, 231. Yours, last I checked, is about 98. If anything, *you're* the one who doesn't understand!

Sonic [tossing Tails a ball of yarn]: Here, Tails, play with this.

Tails: WOOHOO! [Chases and bats around yarn.] Whoa, you never know where this crazy thing's goin'!

______________________________________________

Day 1

20:54

Inside the Archie Comic Base

Knuckles: Okay, Shadow, we have to find a way to--

[Shadow's talking to one of the guard robots. Archie has guard robots?]

Shadow: So then I sez to Sonic, I sez "I think Sakura-chan DIED in the second movie!"

Robot [monotone robotic voice]: Yo, yo, yo, you fucked up! Sakura so totally lived! They could continue from that movie!

Shadow: No they couldn't, 'cause she's DEAD!

Knuckles [tapping Shadow's shoulder]: Umm, Shadow?

Shadow: What do you want--OH, RIGHT! [Destroys robot which somehow opens the door.]

[Sonic and co. run in.]

Sonic: Did you guys have any problems?

Knuckles: Well, valley-girl here [points at Shadow] was gabbin' with the robots! He could have given us away!

Shadow: Well, it's very difficult to pass up an opportunity to speak your OPINIONS, people!

Sonic [stares blankly at Shadow]: You were talking about Card Captor Sakura again, weren't you?

Tails: Shouldn't we save Amy?

[Suddenly a spotlight appears, shining on Archie, who's standing on a high balcony.]

Archie [voice getting nerdier and more pubic as time passes]: HAhahaHAHAha

HAhaHAhahahaHAHAhaHAHA--

Rouge [screaming]: SHUT UP!!!

Archie: HeeeeeeEEEEEEEeey!? Why didn't you eat the snacks?

Tails: There were snacks?

Amy [tied up from a rope hanging from the ceiling]: WHY DOESN'T ANYONE HELP ME? [Looks at our heroes] IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU GUYS GOT HERE!

Shadow [calls up]: Amy, we're The Dark Nightmare and Posse!

Sonic [taps Shadow on shoulder]: Cronies, Shadow.

Shadow [still calling]: Sorry, I meant Cronies!

Amy: I DON'T CARE! EVERYONE CAN SEE MY PANTIES!

Tails [drooling a bit, in something of a trance]: We sure can...

Sonic: Tails! That was mean! Don't let her know that you're looking!

Tails [still staring]: Okay...

Knuckles: Oh, that's it! YOU GUYS ARE LAZY!

[Knuckles levitates up to Amy like in the Sonic anime, and unties her.]

Amy [falling]: THANK YOU!

Tails [flies up and catches Amy]: You okay?

Amy [angry eyes]: Pervert.

Archie: I don't understand! Why do you all hate Archie Comics so much?

Sonic: Why? WHY? Every single one of us has been screwed over by Archie Comics! Look at me, for example! I fell in love with some made-up broad named Sally freakin' Acorn, I had to go to high school, and I made STUPID-ASS PUNS! Look, dickweed, I DON'T eat "chili-dogs," whatever they are!

Tails: I wasn't important in the comics! That freakin' "Nicole" computer or tri-corder or Game Boy was more important that me! And why does Super Tails, or Turbo Tails, or WHATEVER Tails have a CAPE!? And where are my damn super birds? And what's with Rotor, that fat fuck, being the mechanical genius? THAT'S MY JOB! [sad] I miss my birds...

Knuckles: Why was Hyper Knuckles pink? What the hell is an "emerald being?" YOU MADE ME PSYCHOTIC! AND WHAT WAS UP WITH MY DREADS IN THE PAST? I looked like a starfish!

Amy [anime teary eyes]: You made Sonic fall in love with Sally! YOU BASTARD!

Sonic [sarcastic]: Nicely put, Amy...

Amy [happy face]: Thank you, Sonic!

[Sonic slaps himself on the forehead groaning.]

Rouge: I have nothing to say, except, who the hell is "Antoine?" And what animal was he?

Eggman [appearing out of nowhere]: You drew me like a fat, maniacal, psychotic killer! I DO NOT WANT TO EAT SONIC! Sure, I want to rule the world, but I wish to do so in a fair and just manner! I just don't like small animals! Who here can really say they like small animals?

Tails: Why are you here?

Eggman: I, too, have beefs with Archie Comics. Mmmm... beef... I have to go now. [Sissy-walks away.]

Shadow [raving mad]: YOU DIDN'T DRAW MY POOF! YOU DRAW THE MUTANT FOX A CAPE, BUT NO POOF FOR SHADOW! I'M GONNA RAISE HELL UNTIL SPAZ IS FREED FROM THIS HELLHOLE!

Pat Spaz [out of nowhere]: THANK GOD! [runs off]

Tails: Shadow, wasn't Spaz the one who didn't draw the poof--

Shadow [still ranting]: AND WHY ISN'T BETTY WITH YOU? YOU ASSHOLE! SHE BAILS YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF EVERY SITUATION, AND YOU STILL GO BONE VERONICA!

Archie [realizes that he truly loves Betty]: OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!? I'M A MONSTER! THIS SUCKS, LIKE THE TIME VERONICA GOT HAMMERED AND CAME DOWN ON ME! [calms down] Thank you, Cronies, you've shown me the light! In return, my band will sing you a song! [Locks down the security doors.]

Shadow: My god, we'll DIE!

Sonic: GET OUT, NOW!

Tails [pulling on doors]: He's locked us in!

All Cronies: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of Dragon Ball--I mean, Cronies!

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [plopping down on a couch]: Boy, it's been a long day--oh, FUCK, I'm on! [Pulls out script; speaks with no emotion whatsoever, like Justin from Grandia]: Oh, no, my ass hurts! How will I ever make it for the steeple chase? I know a way! [Points to audience; speaking enthusiastically] JOIN THE EGGMAN EMPIRE! CURE ME OF MY HEMORRHOIDS! You can give me sponge baths, and help me clean toilets! Be ammo for my human gatling gun! I don't know how the physics works for it; it just does.

Bob [poor Scottish accent again]: And cut! Ach, twas a good run, sir!

Eggman [throws down script angrily]: I feel so dirty, like when Bob Saget was hosting America's Funniest Home Videos! We'll try another time...

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Shadow [coming out of the shower with a pink towel wrapped around him]: Doobeedoo--WHAT THE FUCK? GET THE CAMERA OFF ME! NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY!

***

Sonic [in a car with Shadow]: Shadow, if the car slows down below 60 KPH, it'll explode!

[Scene of a car exploding.]

Sonic [staring out the car window at the car that exploded]: Whew. Glad that wasn't us!

***

Knuckles [talking to his rap band]: So then, I tells Maybel, I sez "Maybel, drop that Master Emerald, ho!"

Rap Band [talking in proper British accents]: But, sir, when do we get payed?

Knuckles: YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID! HAHAHAHA...

***

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Next time, on Cronies!

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THE END... for now...