Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Sephiroth? Aeris? PUNCH BUGGIES!? ( Chapter 2 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: We don't own these characters, but we own this fanfic. Don't steal it.

CMA: Hey, Neusa, GMS is in the can again!

Judge Neusy: OH GOD! We're never gonna get started...

Grand Master Shoma [yelling from the toilet]: I can hear you!

[Several hours later]

GMS: Oh, YEAH, that's heaven!

CMA: IMPORTANT NOTE: We neglected to mention this in our last (well, first, really) episode, but we wanna give a BIG thanks to SegaMew. To the best of my knowledge, she practicallyinvented the whole "funny Shadow" idea that many fics (and not just ours--you know who you are) now use consistently.

GMS [a little hyper]: WE LOVE YOU, MAN!

Judge Neusy [throwing GMS aside]: Despite my cousin's hyper-ness, we really mean it. SegaMew's Judge Shadow series is our biggest inspiration, and although the humor in our stories are our own, we were definitely motivated by SegaMew. SegaMew, read our story, please!

GMS: And now we begin.

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Day 1

08:45

Eggman Cafe (why, we don't know)

[Tails and Amy are having breakfast at the Eggman Cafe.]

Amy [taking a bite of scrambled EGG]: Why is this place called the Eggman Cafe, Tails?

Tails [swallowing a bite of pancake]: I don't know. These eggs are tasteless and cold! [Grimaces] And the coffee tastes like Eggman!

Amy: That reminds me, Shadow told me a perfectly legitimate story on how he bit Eggman! You see--

[Amy stops talking as she and Tails notice an eerie chant in the distance. They can't quite make it out, yet.]

Amy: Weird. What was that?

Tails [shrugging]: Probably the wind.

Amy: So, anyway, Shadow told me about--

[The eerie chant grows louder. Tails and Amy are kinda able to hear it, now.]

Eerie Voices [still very low volume; very operatic]: Veni veni veni-mos, ne me mori facias...

Tails [worrying a bit]: It's getting closer...

[Eerie voices grow louder by the second. Suddenly the same person who warned Sonic and Shadow that the bank was being stolen rose up through the floor.]

Amy: Do you, like, live here?

Random Person A [still speaking yelling in an unnecessarily loud voice]: OH MY GOD! SEPHIROTH IS COMING!

[Tails and Amy look at each other nervously.]

Tails [gulping]: What!?

Amy: Sephiroth?

[The doors of the Eggman Cafe suddenly shatter into many small pieces. From a wall of fire just outside, a tall man with long silver hair, a black trench coat/cloak-like thing, and a chest harness doohickey walks into the cafe.]

Sephiroth [breathless, intimidating voice]: The time is now. I will bend the chains of fate to my will.

Opera Voices [formerly Eerie Voices]: Sephiroth! [drums/bells playing] Sephiroth!

Tails [looking around]: Where are those voices coming from?

Eggman Cafe Waiter [who looks suspiciously like Eggman]: Table for one, sir?

Sephiroth: Fetch me a cup of Jamaican-blend, mortal. [gets coffee, takes sip] This coffee tastes like Eggman.

Amy: Do you even know who Eggman is?

Sephiroth [standing above Amy, looking down at her]: You have defied me, little cute pink hedgehog being. [Calmly grabs Amy by the head and starts walking away]

Amy: NOT AGAIN! HELP ME, TAILS!

Waiter [panicked]: Sir? SIR!? Please don't take the customers, sir!

Tails [jumping on top of the table]: Stop, Sephiroth! Give Amy back, now!

Sephiroth: No, I'd rather not.

[Tails charges Sephiroth.]

Sephiroth [knocking Tails away effortlessly with one hand]: No, none of that.

[Tails crashes through the wall and lands on the sidewalk outside.]

Tails [groaning]: I... better call... the Cron-- [notices Sephiroth throwing Amy into a black punch buggy] Is he getting away in a black punch buggy?

Waiter [running]: Sir, that coffee was 35 cents!

Sephiroth [getting into the buggy]: What's a cent? I only have Gil. No matter; you cannot do anything to me, mortal. [Drives off.]

Waiter [walks over to Tails, then punches him in the arm]: Black punch buggy, no return, sir.

Tails: OW! You BASTARD!

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is standing in front of a huge new amusement park.]

Eggman: Welcome, to EGGMAN: THE THEME PARK! [Looks away from camera] Did you get that, Bob?

Bob [still with a crappy Scottish accent]: Ach! That was as good as gold, sir!

Eggman: Why, thank you. [Looks back to the camera] Before I take you on a grand tour of EGGMAN: THE THEME PARK, let's discuss the admission.

Random Person A [still loud]: HOW MUCH, EGGMAN?

Eggman: OW! CRAP! My ears, wherever they are! But seriously, you can enter at the low, low price of [triumphant yell] JOINING THE EGGMAN EMPIRE! Or five dollars.

Random Person A: GAWD, THAT WAS FREAKIN LOUD! WHY DON'T YOU FREAKIN SHUT UP?

Eggman: Yes, I'll look into that. [mumbles] You pansy-ass loser...

[Scene changes to the front of the Egg-Mobile Roller Coaster.]

Eggman: This is one of the many rides you'll experience at EGGMAN: THE THEME PARK! It's called the Egg-Mobile Roller Coaster! In this ride, you must have lots of faith and good body movement skills to avoid allowing the cars to fall into THE BOTTOMLESS PIT! Before riding, you must experience the "Coat Hanger" ride!

Little Girl: What do you do there, mister?

Eggman: Why, you hang up your coat.

Little Boy: That sucks!

Eggman [pulls out laser handgun, aims it at Little Boy]: What was that, exactly, now? [Puts gun away] And amongst the rides, there are plenty of skill-testing games that CAN be won, unlike most carnival games. Let's take, um, [looks at one near him] this shooting range, for example!

Little Girl: What do you do here, mister Eggman?

Eggman: Good question, random little girl. You just shoot at the targets, just like-- [Sonic doll/target appears; Eggman cracks and grabs rifle] There's Sonic! [shoots Sonic doll's head off; Tails doll appears] There's Tails! [shoots Tails doll; doll explodes; Knuckles doll appears] There's Knuckles! [shoots each Knuckles dreadlock off, then head]

[Suddenly, a blue jay lands atop the booth.]

Blue Jay: [cute tweeting noises]

Eggman: There's a blue jay! [Shoots blue jay; blue jay explodes in feather storm]

Little Girl [eyes watering, anime style]: Moooooommmmyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Bob: Ach, sir! Ya should not 'ave shot the wee bird!

Eggman: I told you, I really hate small animals! [Pats the little girl on the shoulder] Don't you, little girl?

Little Girl [screaming hysterically]: MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

12:00

"The Streets"

[Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles are riding in a half blue, half black-and-red-striped punch buggy.]

Sonic [driving, noticing the plot of land where the bank near Eggman Cafe used to be]: Hey, guys, wasn't there a bank, there--oh, no...

Shadow [calmly]: Oh well, next time. Let nerd boy Archie have his precious bank.

[Outside of the car, Tails is waving madly, trying to get Sonic's attention.]

Tails [as the punch buggy zooms by]: TURN ON YOUR CRONY-PHONE!

Shadow [knowing full well that it was Tails]: Just keep driving.

Sonic: Stupid two-tailed fox fanboys!

Tails [flying alongside the car, cupping hands around mouth]: SONIC, SHADOW! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

Sonic [annoyed, still unaware that it's Tails]: That guy's louder than World War II! Knuckles, shut him up!

Knuckles [in back seat]: You got it!

[Knuckles rips off one of the back seats, opens the window, and throws it at Tails.]

Tails: AAAAAAAHH! [Gets hit with car seat, wipes out into lamp post] YOU DAMN IDIOTS! [Voice fades as Sonic drives away]

Sonic: Did we get him?

Shadow: Apparently so!

Sonic: Let's go!

[Some time passes]

Shadow [seeing a cute chick]: Hey, Sonic, let's honk at that broad!

Sonic: Okay, but if we don't pick her up, it's Knuckles's fault!

Knuckles: Hey!

[Sonic honks the horn, which sounds like an unenthusiastic pig getting cut up alive.]

Shadow [as the car slows down; rolls down window]: Hey, baby! Looking good!

[Random Broad just shakes head and stares in disgust.]

Shadow [long pause]: Stop the car.

[The cars brakes sound even worse than the horn.]

Shadow: Hey, baby! [Imitating Joey from that gay-ass show Friends] How YOU doin'?

Random Broad: Sorry, this just isn't going to work.

Shadow: Well, obviously, you'd think that at first. You're a human being, I'm a hedgehog; I'm half your height--

Random Broad: No, no, first of all, look at your car. The back of your car's rusted; the back seat, well, half of it's missing; your horn sounds like it's dying; and your brakes sound like livestock getting run over three consecutive times! Not to mention that you three are gay...

Knuckles [rolling down his window]: What are you talking about?

Random Broad: Well, all of you guys are holding the shift knob!

[Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles look at the shift knob. Sure enough, all three are holding it.]

Shadow: SPREAD OUT! [slaps Sonic and Knuckles, Three Stooges style] Why would we take the time to stop--in the middle of traffic--

Some Driver Behind Them: HEY, GET MOVING, JACKASS!

Sonic [New York cabbie accent]: HEY, I'M TALKIN' HERE!

Shadow [continuing]: Anyway, in the middle of traffic, just to hit on you, if we were gay? Hmmm?

Random Broad: Aw, you guys must've needed a break from each other. Goodbye. [Starts walking away]

Shadow [hops out of the car and starts yelling]: YA DAMN PROSTITUTE! I WOULDN'T EVEN BUY YOU FOR A DOLLAR!

[Some more time passes]

Sonic [driving along again, with a few scratches]: Why hurt, Shadow? You should've used your "nice" vocabulary!

Shadow [nursing even more scratches and bruises]: I was surprised to find out she really WAS a prostitute! Too bad we're too nice to fight back.

Knuckles [bruised, bloodied, scratched up, with a steak over one eye]: Why was I involved? Oh, yeah, because I was in the car! She was bouncy-licious, though...

Shadow: Must you add "-licious" to every breast slang you think of?

Knuckles [cool, calm voice]: Yes.

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Day 1

12:00

Sephiroth's Black Punch Buggy (of Death?)

[Amy is trying to undo the unusually restrictive safety belt in the back seat.]

Amy: Damn child-proof seat belts!

Sephiroth [driving the buggy]: Settle down, you two.

Amy: Two? [Looks to her right. She sees a rather pretty brown-haired girl, with a pink ribbon in her hair, a pink form-fitting dress-type thing, and a short red jacket. The strange girl is looking straight at Amy with a huge smile on her face.] Er, um, oh, hello?

Aeris [EXTREMELY happy/giddy tone]: HI! My name's Aeris! Aw, you're so cute! What's your name?

Amy [a little freaked]: Um, Amy?

Aeris [anime happy crescent eyes]: THAT'S RIGHT! And I'm Aeris!

Sephiroth: Don't overdo the welcome, Aeris.

Aeris [leaning forward, poking Sephiroth in the face]: Oh, don't be a poopy-head, Sephy!

Sephy: Don't poke me, I'm trying to drive. [honks horn] Hey, I let you in, buddy. No wave? Hello? [opens window and starts unconvincingly shaking fist] Damn Saturday drivers, and the day's only--

Aeris: Oh, oh, I know! Let's play a game! [taps Amy on the shoulder] You're it!

Amy [looking at Aeris strangely; taps her shoulder]: Um, gotcha?

Aeris: Oh, that's no fair! That's a cheap one!

Amy: What?

Aeris: That's okay! Let's just go shopping!

Amy: What are you talking about?

Sephiroth: I'm not opening the trans-dimensional portal to the shopping mall AGAIN. It's bad enough that this guy's CUTTING ME OFF! [Rams other car off road. May he rest in peace.]

Aeris [poking Sephiroth's face again]: Oh come on, Sephy, one more time!

Sephy: You know, that's really annoying.

Aeris [continuing to poke]: Really? Is this really annoying?

Amy [staring in disbelief]: Oh, god, why am I here? Why did you kidnap me, anyway?

Sephiroth: That will be explained in due time.

Amy: You don't know, do you?

Sephiroth: ... No, no I don't. [brings the buggy to a stop]: We're at the base.

Aeris [lightly punching Amy's arm]: Black punch buggy, no returns!

Amy: We're IN the punch buggy! Why are we at Archie's old base?

Sephiroth: It was available.

Aeris [again, poking Sephiroth]: That's right, Sephy!

Sephy: Don't make me impale you again.

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Day 1

15:00

Tails's House/Mystic Ruins Base

[Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles park their car in Tails's garage. Tails and Rouge are waiting for them. Tails looks really angry.]

Sonic: Wow, Tails, you look pissed!

Tails [flying off the hook; large "anime vein" on his head; anime demon-eyes]: NO, I'M NOT PISSED; YOU GUYS JUST THREW HALF A CAR'S BACK SEAT AT ME, MADE ME CRASH INTO A LAMP POST, ALL THE WHILE SCREAMING AT YOU TO TURN YOUR DAMN CRONY-PHONES ON! You ask me to make you Crony-Phones, one for each of us, and you NEVER TURN IT ON! In fact, THEY STILL AREN'T ON, ARE THEY?

Shadow: Um... [turns on Crony-Phone]

Tails [REALLY mad now]: AAAAGH!

Shadow: That was you out there?

Tails: YOU KNEW IT WAS ME!

Sonic: Hey, man, why didn't you tell me it was Tails?

Shadow: I had my reasons. [Silent for a moment] He dropped me on concrete in the last episode.

Tails: Dammit, Shadow, it was a mistake! I was counting!

Shadow: Well, you could've used your feet!

Tails: I'm wearing shoes!

Rouge [staring in disbelief at Sonic and Shadow's "car"]: What... the hell... is that?

Knuckles: What, haven't you seen a punch buggy before?

Rouge: Ew, that's nasty.

Tails: Um, guys, I can make a better car. In fact, I can show it to you! [Hits a button on the wall; wall turns and reveals a cool-looking Black Ferrari-clone with "CRONIES!" spelt out in red and orange flames. Very stylish.]

Shadow [whistling in awe]: ... sweetness ...

Sonic: How long did it take you to make this, Tails?

Tails: I couldn't sleep last night, so I thought "Tails, why don't you build a superhero car?"

Shadow [walking around the new car admiring it]: Does it have a jet engine?

Tails: Of course, or we could just outrun it! What would be the point, then?

Shadow: Really, now? Does it have a machine gun?

Tails: No.

Shadow: Harpoons?

Tails: No.

Shadow [drooling a bit]: Flame throwers?

Sonic: Shadow, we're trying to help people, not kill them!

Shadow: I just wanted to make people dance at the crosswalks!

Rouge [lusty voice; stroking Tails's chest]: I love a man who makes his own cars with jet engines.

Tails [blushing madly, no longer really shy]: Heh heh heh...

[Knuckles backhands Tails into the side of the garage, leaving a Tails-shaped dent visible from outside.]

Sonic [eyeing Knuckles]: What's wrong with you?

Knuckles: OH, um, [points at Sonic/Shadow's old punch buggy] fucked-up punch buggy, no returns.

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Day 1

15:01

Archie'sSephiroth's Base

[Amy is tied up to a chair in the middle of a room playing Hide-and-go-Seek with Aeris (against Amy's will, of course). Amy is reaching the breaking point.]

Aeris [her hands covering her eyes, counting]: 96, 97, 98, 99, 100! [Turns around, looks straight at Amy] FOUND YOU! [Happy that she "found" Amy]

[Amy's thoughts at this point: I'mgonnakillyouI'mgonnakillyou I'mgonnakillyouI'mgonnakillyouI'mgonnakillyouI'mgonnakillyou...]

Aeris: Wasn't that fun? Let's play aga--

Amy: [Screams] NO! Er, [thinking] I mean, we COULD, but you have to untie me to make it even MORE fun!

Aeris: Oh, but Sephy told me I shouldn't!

Sephy [watching TV]: Hey, settle down, you two; I'm trying to understand this strange show called "Mon Colle Knights."

[AUTHORS' NOTE]

GMS: We have NO idea, whatsoever, about what Mon Colle Knights is about, but I know that the two main characters are in for some lovin'.

Judge Neusy: Honestly, what the hell?

CMA: I DON'T GET THE SHOW! IT HURTS MY BRAIN! "MONSTER ITEM?" ASS-LICKING UNICORN? AN ENEMY WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE AIKA FROM SKIES OF ARCADIA? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! IT HURTS MY BRAIN!

GMS and Judge Neusy: We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

Aeris: Seeeeephy, if I free Amy, does that mean I have more fun?

Sephy: No, and stop calling me "Sephy."

Amy [thinking some more; how odd for Amy...]: Um, Mr. Sephiroth--

Sephiroth: Speak.

Amy: Uh, what's your evil plan? It's not like I can tell my superhero posse, cause I dropped my Crony-Phone--

Sephiroth: Crony? What is a "crony?"

Amy: Anyway, spill it! What's your plan? Pretty please?

Aeris [suddenly goes from giddy to hardcore angry bitch]: YOU BITCH! I SAY "PRETTY PLEASE!" WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Sephiroth [eyeing Aeris]: Whoa...

Aeris [suddenly happy again]: I'm sorry, I had to get that out! Want a flower? One Gil!

Amy: Um, I don't have "Gil"--

Aeris [happy-TO-rage again]: WHADDAYA MEAN YOU "DON'T HAVE GIL?" I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS--

Sephiroth: Dear god! This is new!

Aeris [continuing]: --SINCE I WAS, LIKE, FIVE, TO SELL FLOWERS, AND I DON'T GET ONE FUCKING GIL!!!

Sephiroth [takes on step back]: This is a little frightening, but a bit of a turn on...

Aeris [rage-TO-Happy!]: I'm sorry; I'll sing something happy to myself! ♪♫ Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song, sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song ♪♫ ...

Sephiroth [trying the Vulcan "knock-out" grip thing on Aeris]: My god, why doesn't it work!?

Amy [ignoring Aeris]: JUST SPILL THE PLAN!

Sephiroth [also ignoring Aeris, who continues to sing her happy, happy song]: Very well. Like so many James Bond villains, I will reveal my plan ever-so-slowly. In my world, I was the main antagonist. I died. Just think about this: if you're evil, you don't want to die! So I said to myself, "Fuck it, I'm leaving!"

Amy [intrigued]: I see...

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[AUTHORS' NOTE 2]

CMA: I really had nothing to do with this one, but I did have to type it. Go figure.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE 2]

COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Bob, is the camera at full power?

Bob: Ach, sir, the camera's at full power!

Eggman: Good. Then, I will start my--

Sonic [out of nowhere]: Hey, Eggman!

Eggman [irritated]: I'm trying to do a commercial. The camera IS ON!

Sonic: But, anyway, I have a proposition for you.

Eggman [rubbing chin]: Hmm... I like this "prop" you speak of. It sweetens the deal!

Sonic: Anyway, Eggman, I wanna-- [looks at Bob strangely] You have a cameraman?

Eggman: He's an intern. Don't you have to save Amy from Sephiroth?

Sonic: Who?

Eggman [realizes blunder]: Um, oops...

Sonic [ignoring that]: Anyway, Eggman, did you know that there are women who can't resist fat guys like yourself?

Eggman [surprised and stupefied]: Do tell!

Sonic: And I know one! Riddle me this, Eggman: I'll set her up with you if you can drink 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall! [Points to beer wall]

Eggman: And let me guess; you want me to sing the song, as well.

Sonic: OOH, better!

Eggman: Okay, here we go! [Starts singing] ♪♫ Ten thousand bottles of beer on the wall, ten thousand bottles of beer, you take one down, pass it around, [grabs a beer and spaz-drinks it] nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer to drink down! ♪♫

[Two days pass.]

Eggman [sweat all over his clothes, flared up mustache, fuzzy beard, a little hair growing on head, bloodshot red eyes, sagging bags under eyes, and drunk like hell]: TeN bottles of BEER on the WAAAAAAAALL, ten boTTLEs of BeeR, TaKe ONe down pass IT ar[burp]ound [spaz-drinks another bottle]--

Shadow [walking into the room]: What are you doing? Sonic, we have to save Amy!

Sonic [very tired]: Shut up, this is interesting...

Shadow [seeing drunk Eggman]: What did you DO to him?

Sonic: I'll explain to the... best of my... knowl-- [falls into half-sleep]

Shadow [slaps Sonic]: Dammit, man, tell me!

Sonic: I told Eggman that I could set him up with a hot and sexy woman who couldn't resist fat men.

Shadow: Oooh, that's rare.

Sonic: Tell me about it. Anyway, I told Eggman to drink 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall. I'm surprised he's alive, but he's not exactly well...

Eggman [drunk slurring]: Two boTTles of [burp] on THE waaaaaaaaLLLLL, two Bottles of [farts], You taKE one Down, YOU Pass it a- [collapses] -round [drinks it], there's only onE BoTTLE of beeeeeeeeeeer to drink DOWN. One Bottle of [burps, farts] of tHE waLl, one bottle [burp], [fart], yOU TAKE one DOWN, you pass it around [drinks beer, doesn't swallow much; gurgles rest of song while beer flows out of his mouth, then faints].

Shadow: How's that, Sonic?

Sonic [examines corpse(?)]: Hmm, he didn't quite sing the last part, so I can't give it to him.

Eggman [gets back to his feet and is sober]: YOU TOLD ME THAT IF I DRANK THAT MUCH BEER YOU'D SET ME UP WITH A HOT, SEXY BABE!

Sonic [surprised]: How did you get sober so fast?

Eggman [looking left, then right]: I, um...

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 3

23:45

Final Fantasy 7 Midgar-style Streets

[Shadow's driving their new super-fast, superhero car. Tails called shotgun, Knuckles, Sonic, and Rouge (in that order) are in the back seat.]

Shadow: Man, the Cronari's seats are REALLY comfortable!

Tails: Cronari? What's a Cronari?

Shadow: That's what I'M calling the car!

Sonic: It's not called the Cronari--

Shadow: IT IS, NOW!

[They drive by a strip club.]

Knuckles [to Rouge]: Hey, Rouge, you're gonna be late for your night job.

Rouge: What night jo-- [sees the strip club] YOU BASTARD! [Throws her boot at Knuckles, but hits Sonic in the face.]

Sonic [angry]: HEY, I'm riding in the middle, here! Don't make me sick Maury on you guys!

Shadow [also angry]: SHUT UP BACK THERE! [Swerves] I almost drove over that pigeon!

[Shadow stops the car IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC, then gets out. The pigeon was really a balloon.]

Some Other Driver Behind Them: HEY, GET GOING, I HAVE A STRIP CLUB TO ATTEND!

Knuckles [sticking head out of window]: YOU JUST MISSED IT! [Points at Rouge] SHE WORKS THERE!

Rouge: Oh, that is IT! [Throws her other boot which hits Sonic in the crotch somehow]

Sonic [in pain, holding his groin]: HOLY CRAP, HOW BAD IS YOUR AIM?

[They start driving again. Some time passes. Tails is doing the "Cat's Cradle" with some string and makes a Shadow face.]

Shadow [takes full attention away from the road]: That's some nice cradling, Tails.

Tails [drops string, points in front of him]: Pedestrian! PEDESTRIAN!

Shadow [swerving]: OH FUCK!

[They hit the pedestrian who happens to be Eggman.]

Eggman [rolling on, then off of, car]: OH, MY HERNIA'S INCREASING!

Tails: Oh my god, you ran down Eggman!

Knuckles: Drive, drive, DRIVE!

[Some more time passes]

Rouge [to Knuckles]: You know what, Knuckles? Being mean to chicks ain't good. You're going to die a virgin.

Knuckles [trying to piss her off]: First of all, Rouge, you're not a chick.

Rouge: Say WHAT?

Knuckles: Rouge, you've been riding my ass ever since you first tried to take my Master Emerald!

Sonic [trying to change the subject]: Speaking of which, did you hide it in a good place?

Knuckles [magically pulls Master Emerald (Sonic Adventure 2-sized) out of nowhere]: I just can't go anywhere without it! [Strokes it]

Rouge: Oh yeah? Then take this with you! [Spits at Knuckles, but wind pushes it into Sonic's face]

Sonic [surprised]: WHAT THE--

Knuckles: Oh yeah? Women can't even spit right! [Knuckles readies a big spit ball, then fires. You know what happens next.]

Sonic: OW, my eyes! You know that approximately 35% of my face is eye.

Shadow [lets go of wheel, turns COMPLETELY AROUND]: I told you that if you fooled around again, we'd turn this car RIGHT AROUND and go back to Tails's house!

Tails [tugging on Shadow's arm]: Shadow? Shadow! SHADOW!?

Shadow [calmly pats Tails on the head]: Yes, Tails?

Tails: Road! Mall! Pedestrians! PARKED CARS!

Shadow: What the!?

[The Cronari crashes into a suspicious-looking black punch buggy.]

Knuckles: You know, Shadow, you are a terrible, terrible driver!

Shadow: Shut your hole! I don't even know how this could've happened!

Rouge [sarcastically]: Yeah, cause, you know, it was so mysterious--

Shadow: That's what I'm trying to SAY!

Sonic [cleaning face with towel]: Well, we might as well wait for the owner to come back.

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Day 4

00:01

Outside "The Mall That Never Closes"

[Sephiroth is carrying several pink La Senza bags for Aeris, filled with lingerie. Aeris, meanwhile, is strolling a gagged and tied up Amy Rose in, well, a baby stroller. Amy wants Aeris to burn in hell.]

Aeris [giddy]: Sephy, Sephy, look! I'm practicing for our children! Isn't that right, Amy?

[Amy can't talk right now, but we think she'd be saying something along the lines of, "I'm going to cut you."]

Sephiroth [notices his smashed up black punch buggy]: Oh crud, I just needed one more payment! [Looks at Cronari; notices Tails from before, along with two hedgehogs, a white bat with big titties, an echidna, and a fat-ass who apparently came in undetected.] Oh, crap. Girls, get in the car.

Aeris: Whee, car ride! [They get in the punch buggy; Aeris starts poking Sephiroth's face] Is this a car chase? I like car chases, Sephy!

Sephy: Stop it, I'm trying to drive away! [Failing to start the car]

[Meanwhile, in the Cronari...]

Tails [pointing at Sephiroth]: THAT'S THE SINISTER BASTARD! Shadow, drive!

Shadow [outside the car, tapping on the punch buggy's window]: Um, excuse me!

Sonic: SHADOW, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!

Shadow: W, w, wait! [Turns attention back to Sephiroth] I'm sorry I hit your car, sir! I'll be a better driver starting now!

Aeris: Sephy, he's kinda scary...

Shadow [his face smudged up against the window]: Don't drive away!

[Sephiroth starts car, drives away.]

Sonic: SHADOW, LET'S GO!

Shadow: All right, already, don't tell me what to do!

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Day 4

00:06

Once again, "The Streets"

[Sephiroth's black punch buggy, which is somehow completely repaired (let's just say Aeris has a Limit Break for just such an occasion; yes, that's it), is being chased by the Cronari. Why Sephiroth would run, we don't know...]

Sephiroth: We're getting these bags home. [mumbles to self] Sweet, sweet panties...

Aeris: What's that, Sephy?

Sephy: Oh, um, I said "Sweet, sweet candies."

Aeris: I like candies!

Sephiroth: Yes, yes, of course you do, [mumbling again] while you're wearing those sweet, sweet panties--I mean, some ice cream would go well with sweet, sweet, pant--I mean, candies!

Aeris: Sephy, are you trying to lay me? Or are you just sick?

Sephy: A little from column A, a little from column B...

[Meanwhile, in the Cronari, Shadow is actually making a conscious effort to drive carefully, yet quickly.]

Tails [coming to a realization]: Hey, wait a minute! [Punches Shadow in arm] Punch buggy!

Rouge: Oh, yeah! [Punches Shadow not-too-hard in the head] Punch buggy!

Sonic [punches Shadow a little harder in the back of the head]: Punch buggy!

Knuckles [equipping his various hand power-up equipment found in SA and SA2]: Oh, MAN, is this ever going to be sweet! [Crunches hand a couple of times, and then really let's Shadow have it] PUNCH BUGGY!

Shadow: OW! Who did that?

Eggman [jackrabbit-punches the top of Shadow's head]: PUNCH BUGGY!

Shadow [angry]: Hey, I'm trying to drive, here! Besides, [punches all back] NONE OF YOU CALLED "NO RETURNS!" NO RETURNS, BITCHES!

Sonic: Keep your eyes on the road.

Shadow: Dammit, I'm trying to be the designated driver for all of you drunk on STUPIDITY!

Tails: Um, Shadow?

Shadow [pats Tails on the head again]: Yes, Tails?

Tails: Um, you lost them.

Shadow [fails to see the punch buggy ahead of him]: Well, shoot my foot and call me a jackass.

Eggman [readies his laser-handgun]: O-KAY!

Shadow: I didn't mean it, tubster.

Sonic: HEHEHE, lobster... Why are you here, Eggman?

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Why is Eggman in the Cronari? Stay tuned for scenes from the next CRONIES!

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[AUTHORS' NOTE 3]

Judge Neusy: CMA went a little... crazy. He made this commercial himself. He doesn't like little Transformers geeks...

GMS: Get out of the way of his wrath! He REALLY hates that Transformers commercial.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE 3]

COMMERCIAL

Eggman [sitting in his apartment]: Hmmm... how should I start my next commercial? I think I should--

[From outside, Eggman hears some geeky junior high school boy voices and the Transformers theme song.]

Geeky Transformers Kid #1 [yelling like a FUCKING GOOF from Eggman's building to an apartment across the street]: ULTRA MAGNUS! I'M IN TROUBLE! I NEED HELP!

Geeky Transformers Kid #2 [also yelling like a FUCKING RETARDED GOOF from the apartment across the street]: I'LL BE RIGHT OVER!

Eggman [poking head out of window, looking up, yelling and pointing at the LITTLE FUCKING GOOFS]: YOU FUCKING LITTLE GEEKS! I TOLD YOU IF YOU EVER DID THAT AGAIN, I'D KILL YOU! PREPARE FOR A BEATING!

[A split screen shows the two little shits running down the stairs of their respective buildings, all the while transforming their Toys R Us Transformer robots. Then, we see a full screen of Eggman storming through a hallway, holding a bat in one hand and a handgun in the other.]

[Next, we see the turd shits playing ON THE FREAKING STREET, combining their two toys together.]

GTK #1 [not sounding any less fucking gay]: YEAH! THIS IS AWESOME!

GTK #2 [also still a stupid fuck]: WE'RE COOL!

Eggman [standing over them, giving them a death glare]: I warned you.

GTK #1 & 2 [holding their combined plastic Optimus Prime, or whatever, towards Eggman]: OH NO, IT'S MR. EGGMAN! GET HIM, OMEGA PRIME!

Eggman [batting the toy, shattering it into a million pieces]: TIME TO DIE, LITTLE GEEKS!

[As the Transformers theme song continues to play, Eggman proceeds to beat the geekiness out of the two stupid little pieces of crap with his bat.]

GTK #1 [vomiting blood]: OH NO! IS OMEGA PRIME DEFEATED?

Eggman [losing it]: DIE! [Grabs little geek and throws him in front of a speeding fire truck. Very ironic, if you think about it.]

GTK #2 [still not shutting up]: BETTER CALL THE BEAST WARS REINFORCEMENTS!

Eggman [vein in forehead]: OH, THAT IS IT!

[Eggman shoots the unfortunate little nerd boy in the head.]

Eggman: Now I can finally think in peace.

Junior High School Girl [playing with a Sailor Moon doll on the sidewalk; sounding like a stupid she-geek]: SAILOR MOON'S IN TROUBLE! COME OUT, ULTRA TUXEDO HAT!

Eggman [aiming his gun]: That's all I needed...

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Sephiroth: And then, this one time, at band camp, that BITCH, YUFFIE, STOLE MY MATERIA!

Vectorman [remember him?]: Word...

***

[Sonic and Shadow are playing Capcom vs. SNK 2]

Sonic: Hey, you can't be cheap with Kyosuke!

Shadow: Sez who?

Arcade Geek: Hey, like, give me a turn!

Shadow: NO, GEEK! [punches geek]

Vectorman: Word...

***

Eggman [answering the phone at a sex line]: Oh, yes, baby! OH, BABY, YEAH! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT IN THE ASS!

Vectorman [shaking circular head in disgust]: That's just wrong...

***

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: Next time, on Cronies!

______________________________________________

THE END... for now...again...