Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ Crashing the Separatist Party ( Chapter 1 )

STAR WARS

 

Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun

 

Sequel (prequel?) to the movie that should have won an Academy Award in 1977.

 

Seriously, Annie freakin' Hall.

 

Written by: Greg Paraubek

 

Based (somewhat) on the film by George Lucas

 

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENT A PARODY BY VOLKOV “REVENGE OF THE OBVIOUS PUN” SONIC MILES “Tails” PROWER ROUGE THE BAT AMY ROSE KNUCKLES OMOCHAO YODA DR. IVO “Eggman” ROBOTNIK ALSO WITH AGENT 47 KERRIGAN ARTHAS BORIS METAL SONIC CERVANTES MEGABYTE AND THE G-MAN BASED ON THE MOVIE BY GEORGE LUCAS SCREENPLAY BY GREG PARAUBEK WRITTEN, PRODUCED, IMAGINED, AND DIRECTED BY GREG "VOLKOV" PARAUBEK

 

THESE FILMS ARE RATED R FOR: STRONG VIOLENCE, BLOOD AND GORE, PERVASIVE ADULT LANGUAGE, SEXUAL THEMES, AND NUDITY

 

Intro: The companion to my more serious “Hammer and Sickle” edition of “Revenge of the Sith”, which will be released sometime in the future, this parody of Episode III is more in the veins of my Lord of the Rings parodies (which, none of you are reviewing by the way). Although, there is one major difference: the “Lord of the Rings” parodies are made in admiration of the source movies; this one…not so much…Episode III was a disappointment. In any case, grab some popcorn, close the browser window that you're looking at porn in, and begin this last journey into a galaxy far, far away (this phrase is copyright Lucasfilm)…

 

Note/ Disclaimer: Any characters or places not owned by, but not limited to, Lucasfilm, Sega, EA, Blizzard, and Eidos, were created by me. If you're desperate enough to want to use them, send me an e-mail. All the stuff in here is the copyright of its respective owners. The story following is my intellectual property, and you may not claim it as your own to reassure yourself of your masculinity.

 

Chapter One: Crashing the Separatist Party

 

[Black screen.]

 

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

 

[Starry background. Yellow text rolls into infinity.]

 

STAR WARS

 

Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun

 

War! (huh-yeah!) Good God ya'll, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again!

 

The mighty merchandising empire of George Lucas is besieged on all sides by pissed-off fans who are never going to forgive him for Jar-Jar Binks. Lead by the vicious Metal Sonic, the Separatists have gained ground against the Republic.

 

In a bold movie, the Separatist General Big the Cat has launched an assault on Coruscant itself, with the goal of kidnapping Supreme Chancellor Robotnik.

 

However, there are two Jedi not willing to let this happen…

 

[The screen drops down to show a large spaceship. Two small Jedi Starfighters whoosh past the screen, the camera trailing them. After several death-defying, but utterly pointless maneuvers, they head towards a monstrous space battle.]

 

Sonic: Thank goodness this whole thing is computer animated and we're at no risk of personal harm.

 

Tails: Uhh…why do I have the defective droid on my fighter?

 

[Outside Tails' fighter, Omochao is socketed into the R2-unit hole. Or interface…or something.]

 

Omochao: Oh, ha-ha. Very funny. I'd like to have seen you get past Mission Street without me.

 

Tails: I said we weren't talking about that.

 

Sonic: Okay, cut the chatter. We'll be in range in 50 seconds. Lock S-foils in attack position and initiate maneuver Beta-3 on my mark.

 

Tails: You've been waiting a long time to say that, haven't you?

 

Sonic: Oh hell yes.

 

[Sonic and Tails' fighters enter the fray. The next few minutes are a dizzying sequence of space combat. At one point, a kitchen sink floats by the screen.]

 

Sonic: Hard to believe that every single review of this movie will mention that kitchen sink as though it were a work of comedic genius to have a kitchen sink in a movie.

 

Tails: Brings new meaning to the phrase “everything and the kitchen sink”!

 

Sonic: Woooooooow…that…you know what, screw it. Let's head for the ship where Chancellor Robotnik is held prisoner.

 

Tails: Uhhh…Sonic, there's like, seven thousand Separatist ships out here. How are we going to know which one is the right ship?

 

Sonic: Nonsense! Our Jedi power can determine which ship he's in! But we'll be unable to tell which room he's in.

 

Tails: Uh-huh.

 

Omochao: Uhh…there's like…a million of those queer walking fighters flying right at us…

 

Sonic: Poop on a stick! This is not good! We'll never be able to shoot them all!

 

Tails: Remember, they're all special effects!

 

Sonic: Oh yeah! Gun it!

 

[The Jedi Starfighters lurch forward, and pass right through the non-existent FX ships.]

 

Tails: Remind me how we're losing this war…

 

Sonic: Well, all our vessels are also special effects. Plus, our army is made up of Hispanic clones created by aliens with creepily long necks.

 

Tails: Thanks for the quick overview of Episode II! I especially liked the racist subtext that our army sucked because it's made up of Mexicans.

 

{Author's Note: Yes. I realize he's actually from New Zealand. The “Lord of the Rings” joke was just too obvious. Even for me. I do have some shame. Which is why I made a joke about Mexicans. On second though, let me rethink the “shame” idea…}

 

Sonic: Har! Truly this is family entertainment! I can't wait until we reach the Vietnam and Iraq war analogies, and hear Lucas' brave and stirring message about George W. Bush's presidency!

 

Tails: Yeah!

 

Omochao: Uhh…there are some shields up on that ship.

 

Sonic: We may need to think of another way to get on that ship.

 

Tails: Come on! This is the Separatist army! They're all nerds!

 

Sonic: And?

 

Tails: If there's one thing I've learned about nerds is that they like scantily clad, big-breasted women being raped in multiple orifices by tentacles!

 

Sonic: WHAT?!

 

Tails: Oops…sorry, that's anime nerds. Star Wars nerds love designing their own ships with ridiculous flaws in construction. Why, I bet I can shoot that giant glowy thing next to the shields, and the shields will go down.

 

[Tails pulls the trigger. The bolts hit the glowy thing, and the shields drop down.]

 

Tails: Wow…and I was being sarcastic there…

 

[A giant blast door starts to slide closed over the hangar.]

 

Sonic: Now, to satisfy the legal requirement of all “Star Wars” films, I must say…(coughs) I have a bad feeling about this!

 

[The Jedi Starfighters bounce onto the deck, narrowly dodging the blast door. Sonic and Tails jump out and start hacking droids into small pieces.]

 

Tails: Hoo-ha droid scum! Da Jedi are in da HOUSE!

 

Sonic: I thought we agreed you wouldn't say that…

 

Tails: It's a powerful urge to overwhelm. And…what do you know, all the droids are dead.

 

Sonic: Hey, Omochao, get over here.

 

[Omochao pops out of Tails' fighter and hovers over to Sonic and Tails.]

 

Omochao: What?

 

Tails: Log into the computer. We need to find out where Chancellor Robotnik is being held.

 

[A small hologram appears of the ship.]

 

Sonic: Wow. The Chancellor is being held in a room with no guards and a view overlooking the entire battlefield…and…oh shit, he's got the deluxe cable package up there.

 

Tails: Fifty bucks he's watching porn.

 

Sonic: Double or nothing it's a trap.

 

Tails: Probably.

 

Sonic: So…what do we do?

 

Tails: Well, duh, we walk right into the trap. What do you think we are, smart?

 

Sonic: Of course not.

 

[Sonic and Tails move towards an elevator, and Omochao follows.]

 

Tails: Stay here Omochao and watch over the ships. Take this ridiculously loud communicator and wait for instructions.

 

Omochao: You're leaving me alone on a ship crawling with thousands of armed droids?

 

Sonic: Meh, you can defend yourself.

 

Omochao: My hands are blocks. I have no guns. I am utterly defenseless!

 

Tails: When we get back to Corsuscant, you're going to learn to be less whiny. You can't have everything you want in life.

 

Omochao: I hate you guys…

 

[The camera cuts to the bridge of the ship. Sitting in the center of the droid manned vessel is the Captain, Wallace “Nerd-pants” McGreen. He has every single one of the original Star Wars figures, including Hammerhead. Also, he lives with his parents. And the damn kid could lay off the Cheetos, too. The Separatist General, Big the Cat walks onto the bridge.]

 

Big: What is the sit-(snorts massively)-uation, captain?

 

Captain Nerd-pants: Two Jedi have landed on our vessel, and are headed for the room where we have placed the Chancellor.

 

Big: Good. It is as C-(cough)-ount Dooku has foreseen. His Eye sees all.

 

Captain Nerd-pants: Oh come on! That movie series was clearly inferior to “Star Wars”!

 

Big: Mmm…whate-(wheeze)-ver it takes to dull the pain of living with (snort) your mother.

 

[The camera cuts to Sonic and Tails wandering around a hallway.]

 

Sonic: Once again, we find ourselves aimlessly wandering around endless hallways that all look the same.

 

Tails: Well, it could be worse.

 

Sonic: How?

 

Tails: We could be attacked by several Droidek…as soon as I'm done saying this, they're going to roll in, aren't they?

 

Sonic: Yes.

 

[The Droidekas roll in, and deploy. A withering assault of blaster fire hurls towards Sonic and Tails. They ignite their sabers, block the blasts, and rush into an elevator. The elevator just so happens to be packed with droids.]

 

Droid #1: Hey! Roger-roger! Surrender!

 

Tails: Nyaaaaaaaaargghhh!

 

[Sonic and Tails slice the droids quickly, allowing only one more “roger-roger”. The elevator slowly starts its ascent.]

 

Sonic: “Nyaaaaaaaaargghhh”?

 

Tails: It seemed appropriate.

 

[The elevator keeps going up. Music plays in the background.]

 

Sonic: You know what's sad?

 

Tails: Hmm?

 

Sonic: We're a highly advanced civilization that can travel across the galaxy in seconds, we've colonized hundreds of planets, we have created a peaceful Jedi order that has lasted for thousands of years, yet, we still have Kenny G music playing in our elevators.

 

Tails: Yeah…someone needs to look into that…

 

[The elevator grinds to a halt.]

 

Sonic: Did you push a button?

 

Tails: You've been looking at me for the past five minutes. No, I did not push a button.

 

Sonic: Who pushed the button?

 

Tails: It's us, and an elevator full of dead droids…

 

Dead Droid #2: Roger-roger!

 

Sonic: You fucker!

 

[Sonic stomps the droid into dust.]

 

Tails: Yeah…we're not moving…

 

Sonic: Call Omochao…have him get this elevator moving.

 

[Tails nods and pulls out a communicator.]

 

Tails: Omochao? Omochao! This is Tails. Can you get elevator 1337 working?