Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ The Droid Comedy Hour ( Chapter 2 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Volkov

Chapter Two: The Droid Comedy Hour

[Blue screen.]

Announcer: Are you ready kids?

[Children cheering.]

Announcer: It's time for the…DROID COMEDY HOUR! Starring…Artoo Detoo!

Artoo: (popping onscreen) Beeee-whooooopppppp!!

Announcer: This story's version of Artoo…Omochao!

Omochao: (ditto) I don't have a wang…

Announcer: Right! Two formerly fearsome battle droids that are turned into a group of bumbling imbeciles!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: (ditto) Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: (ditto) I got your nose!

Announcer: And, a backup singing cast starring the droids who go Roger-Roger!

Droids: (singing) Roger, roger! We can sing! La-di-da! Roger, roger!

Announcer: Watch as these guys try their damndest to ruin the first half of this film!

[Children cheering as the screen starts to go black.]

Announcer: Hey! Whoever is touching my ass…oh…ooooohhhh…aaaahhhhh! Oooooh!

[Screen fades to black, returns to the deck where Sonic and Tails landed. The two droids wander towards the fighters.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: …and I say “That's not a computer, that's my mother!”

[Laugh track.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: You crack me up with your humorous, yet enlightening jokes.

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: Of course. Watch out for that oil spill!

[Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2 slips and falls. Laugh track.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: Ow! I think I broke my case mounted fan!

[Laugh track.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: We are not paid to laugh! Let us examine these two Jedi Starfighters on the deck that are surrounded by the broken bodies of our droid brethren. It looks like it might be suspicious!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: I hope we get overtime pay for this!

[Laugh track.]

Tails: (loudly echoing across the hangar) Omochao? Elevator 1337…sometime today.

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: What was that?

[Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1 swats Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2 on the head.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: Be quiet! It was probably nothing!

[Laugh track. The camera cuts to Omochao hiding in a corner trying to muffle the communicator.]

Omochao: (hissing) I can hear you…shut up…

Tails: (loudly over the communicator) What's that? I can barely hear you! We need elevator 1337!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: There! I heard that!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: Yeah…I heard something too…

[Omochao quickly hovers to a wall socket, and plugs in.]

Tails: (really loudly) We want to go up! Not down!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: (spotting Omochao) Hey! YOU!

Omochao: Oh fuck me…

[Laugh track.]

Tails: (loud as hell) What? I didn't catch that! UP! NOT DOWN!

[The two Formerly Fearsome Battle Droids grab Omochao and pull him away from the socket. The communicator rolls onto the floor.]

Tails: (breaking eardrums) Thank you! Now it's up!

Sonic: (faint over the communicator) But we're still going dow…oh, you sick asshole.

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: Now we're going to break your head open!

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #1: Yeah! Fear us!

[Omochao hits one of the Droids with his block hand, and it falls over in the most absurd Dick Van Dyke-ish fashion. Laugh track.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #2: Oh…that was…

[Omochao clocks him with his block hand. Both droids are down.]

Omochao: Wow…they were so much more imposing in the last prequel…

[Laugh track.]

Omochao: OKAY, IF THAT DAMN THING IS NOT TURNED OFF, I WILL RIP SOMEONE'S BALLSACK OFF.

[Silence.]

Tails: (hitting 200 decibels) UP! UPPPPP!

[Omochao plugs into the socket again.]

Tails: (shattering the very steel that holds the ship together) FINALLY!

[The scene cuts to Sonic and Tails stepping out of the elevator into a very comfy room. At the heart of the room, Supreme Chancellor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik sits on a black throne, overlooking the battle over Coruscant. The Imperial Theme strikes up.]

Eggman: (turning towards Sonic and Tails) Welcome, Jedi. Welcome to your ruin!

Sonic: Huh?

Eggman: Err…I mean…thanks for saving me from this very comfortable and unguarded room!

Tails: Sure thing Chancellor.

Voice: Not so fast, Jedi!

[Sonic and Tails turn around. On a balcony above them is the leader of the Separatist forces. Count Dooku himself. The mighty Darth Tyranus. The fallen Jedi Master Sypho Dias. In short, Metal Sonic.]

Tails: We meet again, Count Dookie.

Metal Sonic: My god, it's DOOKU.

Tails: Whatever you say, Darth Tinyanus.

Metal Sonic: What the hell is wrong with you?

Tails: Jedi Master Syphilis!

Metal Sonic: (turns to Sonic) Where did you pick this retard up?

Tails: Metal Sonip!

Metal Sonic: That doesn't even make sense.

Tails: Honestly, why so many names? Christ! You're Count Dooku, Darth Tyranus, Jedi Master Sypho Dias, and Metal Sonic. I mean, really. Why do you need so many damn names?

Metal Sonic: Look, I'm going to be dead in like, two minutes, so who really cares?

Sonic: As Jedi, we care. Which is why we're going to slaughter you. In a humane fashion. Mostly.

Metal Sonic: Ha! You really think you can beat me? After how evil I proved myself to be in Episode II? You shall fall before my blade!

[Metal Sonic leaps over the balcony in one of the absolute worst displays of special effects ever seen on film. I mean, really, amazingly shoddy work. Sonic rushes towards him but is knocked back into a staircase, which falls on him. Once more, thanks to the power of abysmal special effects.]

Tails: Let's rumble, beeyotch.

Metal Sonic: Gladly.

[The two engage in a fierce, but amazingly brief lightsaber fight. Metal Sonic, in one of the most amazing displays of a villain suddenly sucking, loses his hands. Tails picks up his saber, and holds the two blades next to Metal Sonic's neck.]

Tails: Who's on their knees now?

Metal Sonic: Gross…but please, don't kill me.

[Metal Sonic turns to Eggman, who is absentmindedly picking his nose. Tails slices off Metal Sonic's head.]

Eggman: Shit boy, that was an expensive droid!

Tails: What?

Eggman: I mean…uhh…let's run from here leaving your fellow Jedi Knight to die alone at the hands of whoever may be running this ship.

Tails: No. Sonic comes with me. We've been through too much for me to leave him here.

Eggman: Alright…not my problem.

[Tails slings Sonic over his shoulder, and heads to one of the elevators. He presses a button, and nothing happens. He pulls out the communicator.]

Tails: Omochao? Can you activate Elevator 69? Omochao!

[The ship suddenly jolts violently forward and down. Eggman and Tails lurch backwards as the elevator doors slide open. Tails and Eggman quickly grab hold of the edge of the elevator as the ship starts to plunge down.]

Tails: What the hell?

Eggman: Ohhh…I can feel my eighth Twinkie coming back…

[The scene cuts to the main bridge where Captian Nerd-pants and his droid crew are getting a little panicky over the current situation.]

Captain Nerd-pants: Uhh…(voice cracking) ReeeeVeerrseEEE stabilizers! Or something! I don't want to die!

Droid: Roger-roger!

Captain Nerd-pants: If I die without winning my MISB Slave-girl Leia blow up doll, all is lost!

Droid: Roger-roger, sicko!

[The scene cuts to the hangar bay where Omochao is sliding down the bay towards a large pile of rubble and metal and stuff.]

Omochao: I hate my life…

[The scene cuts back to Tails and Eggman, and the unconscious Sonic, who are now standing in the elevator shaft, which has been turned into a long hallway.]

Eggman: Not to question a Jedi, but is it really the safest thing in the world to run along an elevator shaft?

Tails: Of course! This ship is never going to right itself.

[One tremendous roaring sound later, the ship rights itself.]

Tails: I stand corrected.

[The three plummet down, until Tails grabs a hold of a ledge, Eggman grabs his tails, and Sonic (somehow) wraps himself around Tails.]

Tails: (under his breath) Who's gay now…

Sonic: (suddenly regaining consciousness) DOOKU!

Tails: Calm down! We've got that situation under control.

Sonic: Uhh…we're dangling in the middle of an open elevator shaft and…yup…the elevator is starting to speed down towards us.

Tails: I never said I had that situation under control.

Eggman: So, where does the rescue attempt go from here?

Sonic: I predict some falling, screaming, and at least one close call.

Tails: Yeah…somebody better come up with a plan sometime soon…

Sonic: Here goes…jump!

[The three let go, and fall down the shaft, the elevator in swift pursuit. Tails pulls out a small grappling hook, and they do this flippy maneuver that somehow saves them from death at the hands of the elevator. The get up, and look around the hall.]

Tails: The exact same hall! Again! What are the odds?

Eggman: Twinkie number nine is coming back up…

Sonic: Gross…we've got to get back to our fighters.

Tails: And Omochao.

Sonic: If we have to.

[The scene cuts back to the bridge.]

Captain Nerd-pants: We've leveled out, General.

Big: Go-(wheeze)-od.

Captain Nerd-pants: (to himself) Blow-up Leia, you will be mine soon enough…

[Two cloaked figures walk onto the bridge, carrying purple staffs of sheer femininity. The two are Big's elite guard, Megabyte and Cervantes.]

Cervantes: Arr!

Big: What?

Megabyte: Yes, General, the Jedi are escaping with the Chancellor. We found them in Hallway…

Cervantes: Arr!

Big: Ha-(hack)-llway Arr? Activate ray shields on Hallway A-(cough)rr!

Megabyte: Why do I bother?

[The scene cuts to Sonic, Tails, and Eggman running around one of the millions o identical hallways. They pass a small placard labeled “Hallway Arr”, when suddenly, a clear box of some sort lands on them.]

Sonic: Ray shields!

Tails: A clear box!

Eggman: LAAARD!

Sonic: We're caught again. Aren't we smarter than this?

Tails: You know, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that we may just be plain retarded.

Sonic: Now what's the plan?

Tails: Omochao should be here any minute…

[Omochao rockets in, hits a wall, spins around, and composes himself.]

Tails: Told you.

[Several dozen droids follow after Omochao, including Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #3.]

Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #3: HOW DARE YOU SAY MY MOTHER WAS A MAC! SHE WAS A SAINT!

[Omochao tries to punch Formerly Fearsome Battle Droid #3, but he gets knocked down. Laugh track.]

Sonic: Another magnificent rescue attempt. We're what, 0 and 7 by this point?

Tails: Yeah, anymore failures and we'll be like the Houston Texans of rescue attempts.

Sonic: The who?