Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ Greatest of the Nine ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three: Greatest of the Nine

 

[Sonic, Tails, Eggman, and Omochao, under a heavy droid guard, are being marched to the bridge of the ship.]

 

Sonic: Well, we will finally meet the droid leader, General Big the Cat. He's slaughtered hundreds of Jedi single-handedly. He's the ruthless force behind the Separatist military's recent successes. His heart is said to be a black hole of evil, destroying the very life around it. He is the greatest of the Nine…the Witch King of Angmar!

 

Tails: Uhh…

 

Sonic: Dammit, wrong movie again?

 

Tails: Yep.

 

[The hostages are brought into the bridge. General Big the Cat walks up to them, flanked by his guards.]

 

Big: General So-(hawks a loogie)-nic! We meet at last! That was a (wheeze) a sad rescue attempt. Ahh, and young Miles “Tails” Prower. I was expecting someone older. And (cough) with some boobs.

 

Tails: Miles is not a girl's name. And I expected you to be…uhhh…less fat.

 

Sonic: (sarcastic) Oh, zing…

 

Big: I shall en-(snort)-joy adding your lightsabers to my collection.

 

[Big swooshes his cape to the side, and clips the sabers onto that dumb fishing belt thing.]

 

Tails: Omochao!

 

Omochao: What?

 

Tails: You know!

 

Omochao: I do?

 

Tails: Aggh…initiate operation “Crazy Mofo”!

 

[Electric sparks shoot out of Omochao, causing general panic on the bridge. Sonic uses the Force and his saber jumps into his hand. He cuts his binds, and then cuts Tails free, who Force grabs his saber. Big starts backing away.]

 

Big: Aiiieeeeeeeee! Kill the Jed-(wheeze)-i!

 

Cervantes: (pulling out purple staff of femininity) Arr!

 

Megabyte: (also pulling out a staff) As a representative of his Fearsomeness, General Big, I will now kick your ass!

 

[A fierce battle begins between the Jedi and Big's bodyguard, while Big himself runs in circles along the bridge {Author's Note: *cough* thevillainswerebetterin“LordoftheRings” *cough*}.]

 

Big: Don't let them n-(snot)-ear me!

 

[Sonic gives a monstrous swing that slices Megabyte's head clean off.]

 

Megabyte: (the head) Ow. This is less than comfy.

 

[As Megabyte's body continues to fight Sonic, the remaining droids start to drag Eggman out of the bridge.]

 

Eggman: Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! HEY! HEEEEEY! Pay attention to me! Hey! I'm being re-kidnapped over here! HEEEEYYYY!!!

 

[Tails swiftly kicks Cervantes into a wall…or…something and beats him. Tails rushes to Eggman's side, just as the ship lurches forward.]

 

Droid pilot: Sir! We're losing control! The Captain must be bonking his blow-up doll! We're going down!

 

Big: Don't worry about (coughing fit) the Jedi!

 

Droid pilot: I didn't say anything about the Jedi…

 

[Tails slices through the droid pilot and turns to face Big, just as Sonic comes up from behind.]

 

Sonic: Time to fight, General!

 

Big: Eeeeeeeeeeek! I might break a nail! EEEEEHHHH!

 

Tails: You scream like a girl!

 

Big: The mean Jedi are (wheeze) after me! Oh no! RUN AWAY!

 

Sonic: You still have the advantage in numbers…and a hostage…

 

Eggman: (off-camera) You let them re-capture me?! AGAIN?! You just saved me three seconds ago!

 

Big: DEFEAT IS IMMINENT! FLEE! FLEEEE-(snort)-EEEEEEE!!

 

Tails: You're shitting me…

 

[Big grabs one of the staffs off the ground.]

 

Big: VICTORY IS MINE!

 

[Big smashes the staff into the bridge's window, and is promptly sucked into space. Tails, Sonic, Eggman, and Omochao hold on for dear life {Author's Note: What does that expression even mean?} as a blast shield slowly closes over the broken window. Big meanwhile, floats into space, and fires a grappling hook onto the ship, and starts walking along it in outer space.]

 

Sonic: (screaming over the rush of air) HOW IS THAT A VICTORY FOR HIM?

 

Tails: (also screaming) BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

 

Eggman: (screaming) WHICH REMINDS ME, I GOT TO DROP A LOG!

 

Omochao: (screaming, too) YOU ARE A SICK FREAK!

 

[The scene cuts to the inside of an escape pod. Big squirms in and hits a few buttons.]

 

Big: Hah-(wheeze)-a! Time to run like a little nancy boy!

 

[The scene cuts back to the bridge. The blast door has closed. Explosions sound deep in the ship.]

 

Eggman: There seems to be some massive explosions going on in the ship…

 

Sonic: Yeeeeeah...that could be a problem.

 

Tails: It could be worse! The engines could totally fail, the back of the ship could break off, and we could go into an uncontrollable plummet towards the planet's surfa…I did it again, huh?

 

Sonic: Yep.

 

[The ship shudders, and the rear section breaks off. The front half of the ship dives toward the surface of Coruscant.]

 

Eggman: And now we're diving uncontrollably towards the planet's surface. Without engines. And missing like, 40% of the ship.

 

Tails: Wow, Chancellor, how would we have figured that out without your brilliant observations?

 

Eggman: It's why I was elected, you know.

 

Sonic: Tails, can you fly this ship?

 

Tails: (sarcastic) Oh sure. I can fly a vessel I have been on for a grand total of 20 minutes when half of the damn thing is missing.

 

Sonic: Okay! Take her down!

 

Omochao: Not to interrupt, but aren't we already technically going down?

 

Sonic: There's a difference between “being able to live” going down and “squished to death” going down. We want to go with the first choice.

 

Tails: Alright, Omochao, grab the control on your right. Sonic, grab the controls on my left. Chancellor Eggman, wander around the cockpit aimlessly with a look of concern on your face!

 

[All three assume their positions.]

 

Sonic: I hope you know what you're doing…

 

Tails: Of course I know what I'm doing. This is just like flight school!

 

Omochao: Hate to cut in, but didn't you crash your ship in flight school?

 

Tails: It wasn't my fault! The damn thing was half gone and had no engines…oh, I see what you did…shit…we're going to die…

 

[The cruiser streaks across the Coruscant sky, leaving a trail of debris. Small ships fly alongside it and start spraying water over the flaming vessel.]

 

Eggman: Flaming vessel…hehe…this ship is gay…

 

Sonic: What?

 

Tails: Sonic, pull up! We're going to hit the runway too hard!

 

[Sonic, Tails, and Omochao all strain on their controls. The ship slowly heaves up, and smashes into the runway. It skids along the runway, careening into a flight control tower, an airport terminal, and a few other vessels before coming to a screeching halt.]

 

Sonic: Pfffeeewww…

 

Tails: Another happy landing! Except for the thousand or so people on the ground we may have killed when we ran through that airport terminal…yeah, I can see people on fire.

 

Eggman: A prompt exit would be a good idea.

 

Sonic: Yes. We were never here.

 

Burning Person: (in the distance) OH MY GOD, IT BURNS! WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CELEBRATE A LANDING THAT HAS KILLED THOUSANDS?! OH MY GOD, MY BALLS JUST CAUGHT FIRE!

 

[The scene cuts to outside the senate building on Corsucant. A small shuttle lands, and a party of people moves towards it. Eggman, Tails, and Omochao get off the shuttle. Sonic stays on the shuttle.]

 

Tails: Aren't you coming?

 

Sonic: Oh no, politics bore the shit out of me. I'd rather go back to the Jedi Temple and look at some porn.

 

Tails: Great. I get to spend time with politicians, while you watch “School of Cock”.

 

Sonic: I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Tails: Fine. But you owe me. And you know why.

 

Sonic: I swear, I had no idea that was a vibrator.

 

Tails: It was used!

 

Sonic: Yeah…right, well have fun with the politicians!

 

[Sonic steps back into the shuttle, and it lifts off. Tails and Omochao head to the gathering of politicians, headed by the leader of the Jedi council, the greatest lightsaber fighter in Jedi history, Jedi Master Knuckles the Echidna.]

 

Knuckles: Chancellor Eggman! It's great to see you again! You okay?

 

Eggman: Yes, thanks to the work of your two Jedi, I am safe. To their credit, they killed Metal Sonic. However, Big the Cat ran.

 

Knuckles: Grievous is a coward. He will always run. Unless it's the “Clone Wars” cartoon in which he kicked major ass. Seriously, what the fuck Lucas? Why ruin the coolest villain since Boba fuckin' Fett?

 

Eggman: Uhh…what are you talking about?

 

Knuckles: Err. That is to say, Big is a coward. He will always run.

 

Eggman: Yes. But, he is the leader of the Separatists now. The war will continue until we catch him.

 

Knuckles: Then it will be our number one priority to catch this coward, ignoring the growing disturbances in the Force, and the rays of sheer evil beaming from your head.

 

Eggman: Good man. Echidna. Whatever.

 

[The crowd of politician cheers.]

 

Omochao: I don't know how many times I'm going to have to interrupt conversations, but, uh, should we really be cheering considering the fact that there's a monstrous space battle still going on?

 

[Everyone looks up to the massive battle still going on above Coruscant.]

 

Senator #1: Maybe if we stare at it hard enough it will go away.

 

Senator #2: What if we ignore it?

 

Senator #3: We should hold hearings to discuss the matter right away.

 

[The crowd of people moves towards the senate building, leaving the large battle to continue above their planet. Tails hangs near the back of the crowd, when he notices a figure walking in the shadows. He moves over to the figure, who pulls off its hooded cloak. It's Amy Rose, Tails' wife.]

 

Amy: Oh Tail, I was so worried about you!

 

Tails: Its okay, I'm safe!

 

Amy: Alright then, enough about you!

 

[Amy shrugs her cloak to the floor. She is wearing some fancy-schmancy elaborate dress thing.]

 

Amy: So, what do you think of my boob job?

 

Tails: You didn't, did you?

 

Amy: Look, I said that if one more person made jokes, I'd get implants, and you nodded.

 

Tails: I was asleep!

 

Amy: Well, pssah! I wanted big boobies, and I got `em.

 

Tails: You do know that from this day forward, I will never see your face again?

 

Amy: I thought you'd think that! And I prepared for that occasion!

 

Tails: (not paying attention) Uh-huh, whatever you say Mrs. Massive Mammaries.

 

Amy: I'm pregnant!

 

Tails: Whoa shit! What?

 

Amy: Pregnant! Like, as in, with child. Babies.

 

Tails: I don't know you woman! You enticed me with your large jubblies and this is how you repay me?!

 

Amy: You forced yourself on me…

 

Tails: That is irrelevant.

 

Amy: You should be happy…

 

Tails: Why should I be? I can't fool around with you anymore!

 

Amy: Yeeeeeah…well, you've still got a few months…

 

Tails: SCORE! Drop those pants baby!

 

[Amy's dress starts to slide off and…the next scene has been removed by the “Board of Good Taste” {Author's Note: And if you were starting to get aroused, hoping that I'd include graphic sex between Tails and Amy, well…suicide is always an answer}. ]