Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Perpetual Thoughts ❯ The Downward Spiral ( Chapter 23 )

Earlier that day.

 

By the latter half of the afternoon, Eden was strangely quiet. Carrot had been reading for a few hours, had got hungry, had realised that he hadn't had anything to have for lunch... had realised that nobody had called him down for lunch, or in the case of Marron, had brought anything up, either... usually at least something happened. The Misu sisters yelling at him to get up already or starve, Marron bringing up something he'd perfectly made... perhaps everybody had gone out for lunch, or something? If something like that had happened... Carrot felt a little put out that he'd be ignored so, but... perhaps they'd been calling him and he hadn't been paying attention? He had been quite involved in his books.

 

Well, Chocolat's books. Quite some time ago, Carrot had asked if he could maybe borrow some of her books, just to have a look at, a read through... in all honesty, he'd been constantly a little curious since that time when they'd all gone to the bookshop and Chocolat had shown him that book. Chocolat had seemed quite knowledgeable when it came to things like that, how many more books of questionable taste did she have?!... It was a little embarrassing to ask something like that though, so Carrot hadn't. However, given Carrot's tastes and Chocolat's interest, he hadn't even had to blatantly ask anyway; he'd asked if she had any books she thought might interest him, she'd got that funny look in her eyes, made a curious sort of sound, and then proclaimed that she did. She'd disappeared off to her and Tira's room for a few minutes, and returned with about eight or nine sizable volumes; she'd happily proclaimed that most of those should serve Carrot's interests, and had left him to carry the damned heavy things back to his room.

 

It had been a few weeks, but Carrot was quite pleased with himself; he didn't classify himself as a fast reader, but he'd managed to finish one of the books and was about three quarters of the way through a second... they were pretty involving things and they could be pretty flowery with their language, but it felt somewhat rewarding to read them, somehow. The initial plan had been to just flick through them until he found the sex scenes, but things hadn't quite worked out like that and he'd ended up getting interested by the story, the characters... and then it made the sex scenes somewhat better to read once he did find them, having a better idea of who the characters were, why they were doing what they were doing, why they were doing who they were doing... all those sorts of things.

 

It also felt nice to have something else to do on all those afternoons they had when they didn't have missions. Going out girlchasing was always the preferred course of action, but that usually ended up with some form of punishment or another, if it was from a girl who chose to slap him or the Misu sisters who caught up with him... at least staying in and reading was a theoretically innocent pastime that he couldn't get beaten up for, and there was sex! Okay it was only written fictional sex, but that was more than Carrot got for all of this girlchasing anyway, and he liked to think he had a pretty active imagination.

 

Some of those books really did get quite explicit in their description. Quite a few of them Carrot had read wondering if such things were even able to be published, but then again, he couldn't think of any kind of law that would forbid that sort of thing... if people wanted to write it then, as long as it didn't piss off the Sorcerers in charge of publishing and printing (because it was nearly always Sorcerers in charge of publishing and printing, so Chocolat had said one time), then it could go forth and be printed. Carrot wasn't going to argue, some of that stuff was pretty damn hot!

 

Still, as much as it was nice to hang around and read, eventually, Carrot's hunger had got the better of him. He'd glanced around the rooms of Eden that usually had people in - Marron's study had been empty, he'd even knocked on the Misu sisters' bedroom door, a mistaken task if ever there was one... if the door opened it usually ended up in Chocolat proclaiming that Carrot just had to have been knocking on the door to ask her for sex, there wouldn't be any other reason, and then in the end whatever reason he had in the first place would get lost in the yelling and commotion. However, the Misu sisters hadn't been around.

 

Downstairs, nobody seemed to be in the garden, at least not nearby, not from what Carrot could see. Nobody in those front rooms... he'd eventually happened along the kitchen, he'd found Milphey and Gateau doing some washing up. Gateau seemed a little uptight somehow, but was able to tell Carrot when he asked that Marron had, it seemed, gone off somewhere with the Misu sisters. Seemed a little strange, Milphey and Gateau agreed, but if that was what Marron wanted to do, then who was going to stop him? Maybe he did just want to hang out with the girls some.

 

So Carrot had made some sandwiches (he would have settled for ham, but with Milphey's help they'd ended up being ham, egg, cheese, lettuce, cress, bacon and mayonnaise, because Carrot was a growing boy and needed proper nourishment, apparently) and headed back upstairs to carry on with his reading. Nothing much else to do, nothing much else that anybody was asking him to do, and the Misu sisters weren't around to get mistakenly angry at anything he chose to do... it could be like a little holiday in itself. Carrot cracked back with the sandwiches and the books.

 

The late afternoon slowly merged into the early evening, and it was beginning to get dark. Still no word from Marron, yet... perhaps they were all having a good time in Facade? By that point, Carrot had grown a little tired of reading. There were only so many hours per day you could spend reading before words started looking weird on the page; his eyes were starting to get tired. Well, his eyes and his whole body... he'd found some hot scenes in that book, he'd ended up jerking off a couple of times, he was starting to feel drowsy... it just seemed a little strange that he'd fall asleep while Marron was still out.

 

They were okay, weren't they? They hadn't got caught up in any weird underground secret society Sorcerer mafia conspiracy or anything, had they?!

 

No, no. Thinking things like that was only to take the situation too far. Probably they'd just got talking and talking and talking and hadn't realised the time. If anybody, Chocolat could chat the hind legs off of a donkey if she so chose, and Marron wasn't the sort of person who'd declare it late enough to head back to Eden... they'd get back when they decided to get back, and not before. If it meant that he was asleep before Marron got in, well, fine. Nothing too strange about that. Besides, it was nice for Marron to get out and about, spend time with people... things like that...

 

Closing the book, Carrot placed it on his bedside cabinet. He leant back against his pillows, sighing. If Marron could do things like that then it'd be okay, wouldn't it? If he could hang around with people like Chocolat and Tira, spend time with Gateau without things going weird, chat nicely with Milphey... or whatever...

 

There seemed to be something up with Marron, though. Carrot couldn't quite put his finger on it, wasn't sure quite how to classify it, but... something about him that seemed quiet and reserved, even for him. Given that Marron wasn't the most outgoing person in the world anyway, it seemed a little amazing to think that his personality could only deepen like that, but... that was what it seemed like, or at least, from the little that Carrot had seen of Marron in the past couple of days.

 

He had hoped that something could have perhaps happened while Marron and Gateau were off on that mission. Maybe trying to get Marron to go off with Gateau wasn't the best idea, but... Gateau had had a thing for Marron, hadn't he? That'd been a while ago, but... if they were alone together for a while, maybe something would happen? Maybe, now that time had passed, they'd be better suited for each other, or something. At least, they'd be able to avoid making the same kinds of mistakes as they'd made before, whatever those had been.

 

Perhaps it had been unrealistic to expect anything to really happen, but on those days between requesting the mission from Big Mama and one actually coming through, Carrot had just fervently hoped that something would. Just something that could lift Marron's mood, make him smile or something, cheer him up a bit...! Not that he usually smiled a lot or anything anyway, but... since... that time, he'd... there just seemed to be something in his eyes... some crap like that... Carrot wasn't sure. Just that Marron seemed somehow sadder than he'd been before - he also seemed so eager to escape Carrot's presence, sometimes. Again, it was only normal habit that Marron would spend the mornings meditating then going to his study, but... there had seemed something almost hurried about his reactions during those days, just a quick word to say where he was going then he'd be gone and Carrot usually wasn't fully awake by that time anyway...

 

Then the mission itself had come through; a couple of days for Carrot without Marron, and more importantly, a few days for Marron without Carrot. Gateau would be there with him, but that was really neither one thing or the other - Carrot hoped that perhaps something could happen with Gateau, but more than anything, he wanted Marron to have a break. A break from him? Well, if that was what he needed.

 

Carrot didn't like to think on it too deeply, but it seemed that Marron's strange little mood had come about, more or less, from that time. With the... things. And the stuff. And the kissing. God, the kissing. Carrot still looked on that and wondered just what the hell he'd been thinking... trying to ask Marron things, trying to work things out okay, but... wouldn't doing something like that just confuse him? Certainly confused Carrot himself, and he still wasn't sure just what had made him kiss his younger brother like that... there was still guilt for the things he'd thought, too. Marron being so warm and yielding like that... it was true, he was, but... but you just didn't think things like that about your little brother! Even if you were kissing them, which was something you weren't supposed to do in the first place...

 

Perhaps Marron's mood was because he was freaked out from what had happened. Carrot had a nasty feeling it was something like that, something that was his fault... maybe Marron couldn't give straight answers, but there had been no reason to try to force anything out of him like that. That wouldn't make him give a straight answer, would it...? It'd only... it'd only confuse him more...

 

Then of course, there'd been the things that Marron had said... saying that he'd loved Carrot more than anybody else, that he did love Carrot more than anybody else... and arguably that was something that couldn't be denied, everything Marron said or did seemed to point to that, but... not... not like that, that hadn't been how Carrot had meant it... he'd meant it like... like... like the kind of love that you had for people not your brother, it was a given that there would be love there but who else would Marron love...? Was there even an answer for that? If Marron was to be believed, then there was no separate answer, but... had he just been swayed by the situation? Pinned to a bed, kissed like that... perhaps that was what he thought Carrot wanted to hear? Carrot wasn't sure quite what he'd wanted to hear, but...

 

It all seemed so confusing. Marron wasn't the kind of person who would lie or anything, it was something of a family running joke that Marron just couldn't, but when matters turned to those of Carrot, Marron's mind ran somewhat differently. He could probably convince himself of things if they were things that Carrot wished, do things if Carrot asked... Carrot felt a little guilty for that but he did want Marron to be able to have normal relationships and he did want Marron to have orgasms normally like how a normal person would, and surely Gateau was a normal sort of person who could make him have normal kinds of orgasms? He just wanted Marron to have some sort of train of thought separate to Carrot himself, to be able to make decisions and have feelings that were perhaps distanced... to say that you loved your brother more than anybody else, well, that wasn't really a surprising thing for Marron to say, but there were lots of different sorts of love...

 

Carrot couldn't help but think of something he and Milphey had talked about, quite long ago by that point. More or less discussing that, but... saying something about how... something like... Marron didn't want to love Gateau because he loved Carrot, but he wanted to have sex with Gateau because he couldn't with Carrot... or something like that... maybe not that entirely, it was a little disturbing to think of it like that, but... essentially... something like that, it... it almost made sense...

 

He still worried in case he'd somehow scared Marron, though. He'd scared himself, just a bit - maybe he'd been quick to get away from Marron that time, but what more could he do? He'd kissed him! That was... that wasn't right... doing something he hadn't been able to resist, doing something that would make anybody uncomfortable... he'd asked Marron about that, but it seemed unrealistic to expect that Marron would actually say 'yes niisan, I'm uncomfortable, please stop'. He was something who would accept anything if it was Carrot. That thought in itself was a scary one, and it scared Carrot to think about it just as much as it had scared him at the time.

 

Marron was just so giving, loyal and devoted... if there was somebody else, Carrot wasn't sure that Marron would want to mention it. Would he want it to seem like there was anybody more important than his brother? That seemed to go against Marron's character somehow... but then as to how Marron thought... Carrot also recalled times in the past, times when he and Marron had talked and chatted and then there was that ongoing mystery of who Marron loved, no question seemed to be able to be answered and Marron would just quietly deflect anything that came his way, but... more and more, especially recently, Carrot's thoughts seemed to wander along the path, what if that person was him? What if he was the person who Marron loved?

 

No, that wouldn't be the answer. That'd never happen.

 

He said he could never love anybody as much as you, Carrot.

 

What could be done in such a situation? What could you do about somebody's feelings? Carrot still didn't feel sure that he could believe that Marron's feelings really were directed at him... of course some of his feelings would be, but... when it came to the mysterious things, the secret things... were they still him, or were they of somebody so secret and mysterious that Marron would never tell? Carrot supposed that the only way to the bottom of the matter would be to just talk to Marron about it. Ask him things. Talk seriously. Then again, asking somebody how they really felt about you... that was also a bit scary, wasn't it? Especially when that person was Marron. Carrot didn't even know how he'd react if Marron just smiled and said 'yes, it's you who I love'... was that something that was likely? To bear the knowledge of feelings came also the knowledge of responsibility... Carrot knew that Chocolat certainly had the hots for him, but somehow he just couldn't stop chasing girls... after all, those girls were so much nicer and gentler than Chocolat was, perhaps if she was more like them then he'd change his opinion perhaps, but she was so damned possessive and she was just scary at times, and... it was hard to see her in that way. Arguably, Tira was closer to the quiet-and-demure ideal, but then she could also be a stressy little bitch when she wanted to be, and that was before you added the whipping and the beating into accord... there were things, Carrot felt, that he could do without.

 

Chocolat had the hots for him, that was more or less established. Tira at least seemed to care for him one way or another... Gateau thought he was an idiot, Milphey thought he was soo cuute, and... Marron? Marron quietly protected him with every ounce of his being while asking for nothing in return, but seeming to have to cope with such deep and terrible problems...

 

What kind of problems brought people to not being able to have orgasms?! Wasn't that something that old men got, or something? Carrot wasn't sure, but he supposed that stress was perhaps a contender. If he himself was stressed over a mission or anything, then he was going to be in less of the mood to have an orgasm... and who could ever know when Marron was stressed? If anything, he needed to perhaps relax. Carrot wasn't sure if it was possible to get Marron to relax, since he always seemed to be working on something or other...

 

If anything, that was part of the reasoning behind trying to nurture things between Marron and somebody else. If you were in a relationship then you did relationship things, didn't you? Hung out together, relaxed... the relaxing was the most important thing, and then that would perhaps lead on to other things... perhaps those weren't people who Marron loved, but... in this case, could it really be helped who he did or who he didn't? It was okay to have feelings for people, even if they were only sexual or so... if there were sexual feelings that could be fulfilled, then... what was the problem? Marron had had more sexual experience than Carrot had anyway, surely that gave him a kind of moral standpoint on the matter? If there was sex and it was available, surely he'd grab the chance...

 

Or maybe he wasn't that sort of person, but... perhaps he would anyway...? Carrot didn't really know how such relationships worked. The closest consideration was Chocolat, who would certainly have sex with him if he asked, but it would also probably be sex as a binding contract and he'd be murdered in his bed if he so much as looked at another girl... Marron could have freer relationships with the other guys in Eden than that, couldn't he? Gateau was a generally easygoing sort of guy, and Milphey... well... he gave Marron a dildo. You only gave things like that to people you were interested in, didn't you?

 

Perhaps Milphey was the best choice. Carrot considered perhaps finding Milphey, asking him to up the flirtation with Marron, that kind of thing... perhaps Marron would eventually give in. That said, Milphey was the kind of person... Carrot could go along and suggest something like that, but it'd probably end with some long talk on Marron's deep emotions or something or another, and then say that perhaps there wasn't really anything you could try to persuade Marron to do, it all had to come from within, or something...

 

What else was there to do?!

 

There had to be somebody else. If there wasn't somebody else then that could only mean that the blame for Marron's emotion fell more or less entirely on Carrot's shoulders... and he didn't know what to think about that. Marron seemed such a deep and complicated sort of person and he seemed so hard to understand, to make any kind of link like that was just overwhelming...! What could be done? Maybe nothing had to be done. Maybe things could continue on as they were, but then... if Marron wasn't forced into doing something then maybe he'd end up in a situation where he wasn't able to do anything, because hadn't even Milphey said about how serious the situation could end up? Outside of all of the emotions and confusion and feelings and anything, Carrot was quite entirely sure that he certainly didn't want Marron to die, or anything.

 

Carrot wished there were somebody impartial to talk to about it all. Ideally his mind would have suggested Milphey, but when it came to matters of Marron it seemed that there was less that Milphey was actually willing to say... talking with him ended with some of the most annoying roadblocks sometimes, but compared to anybody else in Eden, was there really anybody else who could help? It wasn't something you could go to the Haz Knights for, or anything. Big Mama? Carrot wasn't sure. She was the kind of person who, if you really needed to, you could probably tell anything to... but then again, she was exactly the kind of person to give strange and ambiguous advice, and you could never know what she meant... but was there really anybody who could come forward and say 'this is what you have to do!'...? All Carrot wanted as for Marron to be healthy and happy, but with all those strange and unknown problems, was that even possible...?

 

"He'd probably be a lot happier if he could just have an orgasm already."

 

Carrot glanced down at his hand. He'd had a few even just today... he'd had at least one yesterday, and probably for the last week or so... it wasn't as if he was addicted or anything, it was just something he chose to do!... More or less every day... well, perhaps it was something he had less control over, but... in the end, it was for the best, wasn't it? Keeping the bodily functions going, obeying the natural urges... he still didn't understand how somebody could just stop.

 

If you told somebody to have an orgasm, could that work?

 

If he told Marron to have an orgasm...? If he told him seriously. If it was something that the older brother commanded, for the good of the younger brother.

 

Carrot froze as the phrase 'take it into your own hands' occurred across his mind. No. No! What kind of perverted thought was that?! Maybe Marron had problems, but... no, no no no no no! No problem could be solved by any kooky incest thing. Carrot shook his head then himself all over, as if trying to shake the bad feeling away. What a horrible thought! No doubt that Marron would try to do anything that Carrot asked him to, but... not in a situation like that, that was just... that was just being dominant in all the wrong ways! He had a duty towards Marron as an older brother, but even a duty like that had limits...

 

It seemed that Marron sure had a duty towards his older brother, if nothing else.

 

How far did the limits of that duty go... in a duty where somebody would even lay down their life... what was there that was forbidden in such an entire responsibility? Carrot liked to think that of course he'd risk his life to protect Marron, that was a given, but that thought was really the exception rather than the rule in his code of honour... if it was something that happened, then it happened. Marron seemed to follow the line of 'I will risk myself to save my brother' as a standard...

 

Another sigh. It was starting to get dark out, really dark, and Marron still wasn't back yet... perhaps he was off somewhere else in Eden, doing some reading maybe? It seemed strange that he'd go out and come back and not say anything to Carrot... seemed strange that Marron would go out at all without Carrot's prior knowledge, but perhaps if he'd been surprised then there hadn't been much chance to go and find him to say where he was going. Not that Carrot needed to know everywhere that Marron was going, but Marron always seemed to want to tell him anyway... and after all, that was just being polite more than anything, was it not?

 

Carrot stood up, lifting himself from the bed. He stepped around a little, feeling like he could do with a stretch or so. He'd ended up thinking about things that were difficult... he felt he needed a distraction. Thinking about Marron and Marron's problems could take up a whole day and there'd still be no answer for it - wasn't there anything more relaxing to do? Maybe read a bit more, he had left off at something of a cliffhanger... though he felt a bit tired, it was probably best to leave the reading until another time.

 

Supposing that there was no harm in getting ready for bed, Carrot occupied himself with that.

 

That book really was getting good... and damn, that bit he'd just been reading... the crafty heroine had cornered the dark overlord for his secrets, had ended up seducing him to get him to talk... it'd worked, but that wasn't the important thing. The sex! It made Carrot wish that he was an evil overlord with secrets like that! Even if it meant his death, it'd be worth it to get laid with sexy women like that! The main chick in that book was really cool, Carrot liked her. He opened the drawer, got out a nightshirt. All crafty and sly but sexy and clever and everything... well, maybe she wasn't the kind of girl you could really trust, but she was certainly determined to her goal and hot at the same time, you had to admire that.

 

Changing into his nightshirt, Carrot threw his day clothes to the side and closed the drawer. He glanced at the top shelves as he stood up; the bottom of the top drawer... that was where Marron had put that... toy Milphey had given him, wasn't it?... He turned away, pulling his head through his shirt and stretching. Yeah, that heroine chick. Carrot could picture her quite vividly in his mind; she was tall and athletic, but still with great boobs... she wore enough to cover but she had more than enough to show off, and her long green hair would billow around her as she stood on a cliff... she had those little hair decorations, too. The little wing things. Okay, that had just been a detail on the front cover, but... well, even that picture of her was cool! It was impressive, Carrot thought, that people could come up with characters that were so cool like that. He was also quite glad Chocolat had given him that book to read - if she hadn't have suggested it then he probably wouldn't have ever even known it existed!

 

As it was, he was most of the way through the book, and his Lady Azriella was taking up decent portions of his waking thoughts. Only somebody like her could get laid so many times and still seem just amazingly cool! There wasn't any other way to describe her.

 

Carrot turned back to face the chest of drawers.

 

There'd been a chapter, earlier on, where Azriella had taken to... pleasuring herself. That had been pretty hot, too. Hadn't she had some kind of thing like that to do that with? Carrot remembered it, she did. Before he could really stop himself, he was reaching into the drawer, lifting Marron's clothes, and- ah, there it was. The dildo. The room was dark and the object itself was darker, but it was enough to hold it and be able to see it faintly... it was a heavy thing, wasn't it? Carrot went over back to his bed, jumping into a cross-legged position on it. He stared at the dildo.

 

Still seemed weird that Marron would have something like that. Even if it was something that Milphey had given him, that was still weird...! He didn't seem like the kind of person who would accept something like that. Carrot wondered if it was anything to do with the fact that Milphey had given it to him... after all, if Gateau was going to try something like that, well, he'd probably end up with a few scars for his troubles, and it'd at least be something he wouldn't live down... however, Milphey giving something like that was more acceptable?

 

Perhaps Milphey was more of a potential target for Marron to go after.

 

Turning the dildo over in his hands, Carrot then noticed the underside; that little part sticking out, that little hole... what were those? He picked at the part that stuck out, in his curiosity. Something fell out. He shifted his legs, looked down at the bed; a little key? He picked that up; yes, it was a small, ornate-looking key. It looked like it could fit in that little hole, too... strange, why would a dildo need a key and a keyhole? Perhaps it doubled as... something you could... hide things in? Like a... handbag or something. Carrot frowned. No, those were stupid ideas. Well, there was nobody else around, so... without hesitating, Carrot put in the key and turned it a couple of times. There was a metallic kind of crickling sound... he stopped turning the key, and the thing seemed to jump into life! Carrot threw it to the bed in his shock.

 

"AH!?"

 

It buzzed and jumped fitfully on the bed, resembling a mexican bean on speed. Carrot stared at it in shock, what the hell!? It was alive?! It could move?!... He recalled the key mechanism. Winding it up had made it do something like that!? It could move!?... He watched it for a few minutes more, concentrating on it until it wound down. As it juddered to a halt, Carrot finally dared pick it up again. It trembled slightly in his hand, and then it died. Again, he just stared at it.

 

So it could move? It was a vibrator? Carrot had only very vaguely heard of things like that... dildos and sex toys he'd heard of, fine, but ones that could move? Those were pretty rare, from what he'd heard...

 

Trust Milphey to have one.

 

Man, though... if Lady Azriella had had one of those, she probably wouldn't have ended up taking on the Demon Hoards in search of a decent sex partner in the first place! Any woman, at least, would be lucky to have something like that.

 

And men?

 

Did men really have use for vibrators?... Well, the thoughts of gay men were ones that Carrot couldn't feel he understood. If it was the kind of thing that other people (given that all three of the immediate male influences on Carrot seemed to be at least partially of that persuasion) wanted to do then fine, but if he really thought of it... why would anybody want something going up their ass? Wouldn't it hurt? Obviously guys found some kind of pleasure out of it else they wouldn't do it, but... wasn't it... dirty? Obviously they'd wash, or at least, Carrot hoped they would, but... what was wrong with girls? How could people not like girls over guys?! Girls were all nice and bouncy and soft and squishy and they had breasts and... and other things...! What was so attractive about guys in comparison? He didn't get it.

 

Feeling an idle compulsion, Carrot got up off of the bed and walked over to the bathroom. He pulled his nightshirt off, deciding to spend some quality time with the mirror.

 

So, guys liked other guys. He was a guy himself. He stared at his reflection, turning from side to side a little. Carrot didn't think he was exactly bad looking or anything, perhaps a little scrawny in comparison to somebody like Gateau or his father, but that said, anybody seemed scrawny in comparison to them. People like Marron, like Milphey... they weren't stacked, but... they managed to not seem scrawny! Then again, they were pretty. That was always something to go for. Carrot tried puffing his chest out a bit... he shook his head, that wasn't really impressive.

 

A sigh. He wasn't macho, and he wasn't pretty. Given how he seemed to take after Onion more than anybody else, maybe he had the potential to be macho? Carrot tried pulling a pose, attempting to flex the muscles of his arms. There didn't seem an awful lot to flex. Another sigh. Perhaps it was better not to try to strut around like a chicken... he stood normally in front of the mirror, looking at himself again. He pulled at his mouth. Pulled at both sides of his mouth, making a face. He snickered, then folded his arms.

 

Well, there was obviously something about him that at least attracted Milphey to him, though Milphey was a law unto himself, really. Was he really an object of homoerotic interest? Carrot couldn't think of anything about him that a man would find attractive. Why did guys go gay, anyway? If you took the demographic of Eden, it at least seemed to be the weird ones who were all gay. Gateau, all macho and stuff... he was the kind of person who liked pretty people hanging from him no matter if they were male or female. Then, the pretty people of Eden, did they want a big strong daddy to hang from? Maybe that was stereotyping it a bit. If Marron had interest in Milphey... he liked other pretty men? Carrot wondered what it'd be like if there were other buff and macho guys around Eden. Would Gateau feel threatened? Then again, he often went on about the beauty of big muscles and things like that, they'd probably take it as one huge mating ritual. That would be scary.

 

Thinking back to he himself... at least for Milphey at some point, he'd been an object of interest. Sexual interest? Would Milphey have had sex with him? Probably. How would that work? Did Milphey want to be the one giving it, or...?

 

Both of the choices seemed a little weird, to Carrot. Even just the thought of something, someone going up his ass like that... he winced. He didn't even like it when he got constipated, let alone to think of something like that... so the alternative, Carrot being... the one with the... going up-ness...? Carrot wasn't sure on that, either.

 

Then again, you could do that to girls too, couldn't you? Lady Azriella had certainly had quite a bit of that kind of action during her escapades... even some girls liked that kind of thing. Would it be different if it was a girl? Well, of course it would be, girls were used to things going inside them!...

 

Carrot had the feeling that a thought like that would earn him a steady punch from both Misu sisters. No, but... if it was up the front or the back, both ways for girls involved inner bits, right? So if a girl wanted it up the ass, then, well, that was their preference...

 

Well, physically it wasn't any different, surely? An ass was an ass, if you were a guy or if you were a girl... Carrot wondered if he'd do a girl up the ass if she asked him to. Well, if he was asked to, if it was something she really wanted, then why not...? Girls sure had nice asses anyway, what was the harm in getting sexual gratification from that?

 

Maybe gay guys were just soooo obsessed with asses that they didn't mind if it was guy ass or girl ass... and besides, girls couldn't fuck them back, could they? So maybe that was the attraction, a worldwide love of ass. Carrot frowned. Marron certainly didn't seem to be the type who'd be preoccupied on, well, ass. Did he dream of asses? Did he like fondling them, stroking them, touching them? Did he ever just stand there and go 'Mmmm... ass'?... Carrot decided that that wouldn't be something he'd ever ask. He wasn't sure he wanted to know Marron's opinion on ass.

 

Turning around, Carrot tried to look over his shoulder to look at his own rear end. He couldn't quite see. Reaching around, he patted it heartily. Nothing wrong there, he felt he had quite a sturdy behind... he didn't want anything invading it anytime soon, but as far as asses went, he figured he had an okay one, for a guy.

 

Losing interest in the mirror, Carrot went back to the main bedroom and jumped back onto his bed. He realised he'd left his nightshirt in the bathroom... he grunted, decided not to go and get it. It wasn't as if it was cold or anything, if he really wanted it then he could go get it after he'd had a little rest... he'd been standing up for quite a while, anyway. He stretched out on the bed, the vibrator rolling and coming to a rest against his inside leg. Carrot sat up, remembering that it was still there. He picked it up. If Marron was going to come back at any point, it would probably be a good idea to put it back in the drawer. He didn't really want to explain why he had it out in the first place... that would just be embarrassing.

 

Rather than get up to put it back, Carrot found himself just staring at the vibrator some more. Gay guys would really want something huge like that inside them, vibrating away like that? Was that something that they'd really find sexy? Carrot couldn't figure out how anything like that would be anything but painful...

 

Maybe there was something about it that he wasn't aware of. Some weird gay secret on the pleasures of... ass. He looked at the dildo, glanced down at himself. Maybe it was something they were born with. Had there been any specific moment in Marron's life that had definitely turned him gay? Carrot couldn't think of any kind of thing that would be like that. Marron had always more or less been the same, hadn't he? Just, one time he'd said that he liked men... so maybe if Marron had never changed and he'd felt confident enough to say something like that, then it was something he'd always felt. Maybe he'd never had any sexual feelings for a woman at all.

 

Carrot raised his eyebrow. Poor guy.

 

Still... that vibrator...

 

Perhaps... nobody would notice or know...

 

If he didn't tell anybody, then...

 

It would be purely for research purposes. Just because he was investigating a vibrating dildo given to his brother for strange purposes didn't mean that he was gay, or anything. No way. Of course not. Besides, hadn't things even happened with Milphey before? Those were gay sorts of experiences and as far as those things went they'd felt kinda good, but then again, those were the exceptions. Carrot didn't find himself purposefully looking out for hot men, didn't find himself dreaming about men... he'd just happened to have a sexual experience or two, with a man. Didn't make him gay. Then a vibrator... well, that was just curiosity, wasn't it? Surely playing around with some piece of... whatever that thing was made out of was a less gay sort of thing than playing around with an actual man, wasn't it? So... if it was all just purely academic, then... well, nobody was going to find out to say anything anyway, so any kind of justification was only going to be to placate Carrot himself.

 

Of course, he needed quite the amount of justification in his mind, but eventually he seemed to come to a point where the curiosity did just get the better of him. He shuffled back on the pillows, raising his ass up a little bit. Steeling his resolve, he lifted his legs apart, and with both hands, reached down to press the vibrator against him.

 

Not much happened. It seemed like it was far too big to really get in just from trying to push it... trying again just convinced Carrot further that it wasn't going to go in. He held one leg up, the position perhaps to make it a bit easier... the thing was quite certainly pressing against him, but even if the moulded tip of the vibrator was shifting to get in, the rest of it definitely wasn't. Carrot let out an annoyed noise as he pushed harder, he didn't want to be beaten by a stupid sex toy, but... then that pressure just hurt, so he stopped. He leant back against the bed, the vibrator fell back between his legs. Carrot stared down at it, frowning.

 

How were you supposed to even get something like that inside you?! It didn't seem to want to go. That only confirmed Carrot's thoughts that things were not supposed to go up there, but more than that it seemed that the body didn't want to let things go up there...! How would it work for a girl... well, girls got wet, didn't they? Guys didn't get that, at least, not back there. Well, even girls didn't get internal anal lubrication.

 

Lubrication... Carrot nodded to himself, that was it. Before even thinking about using something like that, you'd probably have to lube it up pretty good... Carrot wasn't really sure with what, though. There was probably special stuff you could get to lubricate things, but that wasn't the kind of thing they'd have knocking around the bedroom or the bathroom... maybe Milphey would give some to Marron? Probably. Maybe there were other things to use? Carrot wondered just how creative a necessity it was. Other things were probably pretty slippery whether they were for that purpose or not, not everything had to be used for the reason of its design, but... well, that seemed an awful lot of messing around, to Carrot. Why couldn't they just jerk off or whatever? Why would somebody want to go through all the messing around with lubrications and things like that just to, well, put something up their ass? Carrot sighed slightly. He didn't think it was something he'd ever understand. He picked up the vibrator and climbed up off of the bed, making his way over to the bathroom. He supposed he should at least give the vibrator a bit of a wash before putting it back in the drawer; it wasn't as if it had gone inside him or anything, but it'd still touched against those parts of him, and... well, anybody would want that washed, wouldn't they?

 

As he was scrubbing at the end of the vibrator that he'd used, Carrot came to contemplate the thing's other function. It could vibrate...? That was all very impressive, but then again, it seemed like it'd be just something else that was a bother in the middle of masturbation... it had that little key, didn't it? You'd have to keep winding that up, wouldn't you? If it was right inside you, would you even be able to reach it to keep turning the key...? Carrot wasn't sure. It wasn't his problem, but it was at least a little bit of a curiosity.

 

He wondered what that would feel like, too. Okay it'd be weird to have something like that inside you anyway, but then if it was moving around...? Even if you were having sex with an actual guy, it wouldn't be like that! Were they going for realism or sensationalism? It certainly was a pretty violent thing, anyway. Moved around an awful lot. Figuring that it was as clean as soap, water and vigorous scrubbing was going to get it, Carrot took the vibrator over to where the towels were kept, picking one up for the purpose.

 

Once it was dry, Carrot really had meant to take it back to the bedroom, take it back to the drawer, put it away, forget about it. Instead, he'd found himself shutting the bathroom door and just staring at it, still.

 

Those vibrations were pretty powerful, even just to hold in your hand...

 

For a moment, another curiosity flickered over Carrot's mind. If it vibrated so much in your hand, just what would that feel like against... other parts of the body...? Perhaps that could be another use for it, one that he could actually try! Nobody ever said that the vibrator had to be inside to feel good. Carrot had sometimes reverted to, essentially, humping his rolled-up bedsheets for some kind of sensual friction. If it was anything that wasn't painful then surely it was going to feel good? The vibrator was a little enthusiastic in its movement, but if it was held in place, then maybe it could be controlled... after all, when it'd first started up, he'd at least been surprised by it, hadn't he? Now that he knew what it did, he could be more prepared for what it could do.

 

Homosexual preconceptions had long since been left behind. There was something he could do, and Carrot wasn't going to let himself be distracted from doing it. Maybe it'd be a different kind of orgasm? It would certainly be a different way of getting to that orgasm... the curiosity of it all outweighed anything else, and Carrot found himself sat on the bathroom floor, stroking at himself to get hard enough to begin.

 

What to think of... well, he had just been reading that book, hadn't he? Some hot scenes with Lady Azriella there... he'd thought of her previously, why not think of her again? Carrot's mind wandered. Maybe it could be like that scene in the castle with the dungeons, that bit where she was torturing that demon slave guy to tell her where the legendary sword might be kept, but... instead of a demon and for the sword, Azriella could be torturing him! With a vibrator!

 

Well, given half the things she got up to with demons and stuff in those books, why not?... Carrot closed his eyes, pictured what it'd really be like. He built up the scene in his mind a little. The layout of the dungeon, the darkness, the steady dripping of water from somewhere (mental image helped somewhat by the actual tap dripping a little from where he hadn't turned it off properly)... Azriella would be in front of him. He'd probably be tied up. She'd have that little smirk on her face... maybe be running her hands up and down his body...

 

Carrot leant down against the floor. One hand kept hold of the vibrator, the other worked quickly between his legs. There wasn't any point in trying to make it last, or anything... the thoughts that it was starting to get late and Marron would probably be back at any minute seemed to have been forgotten, and indeed, it was easy for Carrot to forget things in the haze of his arousal. After not too long he was hard and he was stroking away at his erection - it was only when he opened one eye that he remembered that he had that dildo with him and he'd been about to use it. With slightly trembling fingers he brought it closer, inspecting the underside to really wind it up to set it loose; he twisted the key as many times as he could manage, could hear the mechanism inside tighten itself up, then it came to a point where the key just wouldn't move any more... Carrot brought his hand away from there, and the thing was moving in his hand with a steady 'gchkgchk' noise. It was a little bit noisy, wasn't it...

 

Well, that wasn't something that mattered. Carrot quickly pressed the thing between his legs, the shaft of the vibrator pressing against his balls and the lower part of his erection. It was barely touching and already the strong vibrations were having an effect...!

 

"Oh... oh god...!"

 

That felt good, that felt really good. The continual motion was easy to get used to, and at points it'd feel just a little too intense but then it'd move and it'd feel great again... Carrot ended up leaning against one arm, the other hand between his legs to keep the vibrator in place. However, like that, he didn't even have to move his hands to get stimulation... that was always something he liked, it was that little bit less effort that had to be applied to his body, that little more concentration that could be kept on the feelings sweeping through his body... he tried to keep his mind on the fantasy, on Lady Azriella's harsh but seductive command... that came second to the reality of the situation, the feelings on the inside and the outer feeling of that thing between his legs... it felt strange to enjoy something like that. In another kind of mood Carrot might have wondered if the shape and size of it carried any kind of suggestion, he might have ended up defending his sexuality to himself again, but as it was, by that point, none of that mattered. Who cared if it was essentially a replica penis that was making him feel so good? It didn't matter what it was, just that latter point, that it felt so so good... Carrot found himself thrusting against the vibrator, just for the slight change in rhythm. That felt good too... all so good...

 

After what felt like not long enough, the vibrator eventually wound itself out. Carrot let out a slight cry of dismay, then quickly let the thing drop to the floor so he could pick it up to wind it up again. It seemed too cruel by that point - how could he be expected to have to concentrate on something like that when his body was so perilously close to release? His fingers were quite obviously shaking now, his whole body was shaking... he hurriedly wound the mechanism up again, returning it to between his legs. He found he had to shift around a little before the sensations were comfortable again, but once he'd returned to that state it was easy to fall back into further arousal once more. Would that be enough to make him come? Carrot didn't really want to be right on the edge then suddenly find himself faced with the fact that the vibrator had run out again... with that in mind, he set to a kind of mental rationale to try to stave off his orgasm just for now, just for as long as it took for it to run out again... then he'd wind it up again, and that time he'd be ready for his orgasm.

 

Thoughts became a conflict between how good it all felt and how close climax was, and how Carrot felt he should fight against that, just for the time being. That became a kind of torture in itself... when would the vibrator run out? Shouldn't it be running out by now? Why wasn't it running out? Was that it running out...? Ah yes, it was certainly getting slower...

 

The second time having to wind it up, Carrot was even more frantic. Just a little further, just a little more, then he'd be able to come...! At that moment, that thought was the most important. To feel that feeling again, to be able to come, to be able to take himself that far... it really wouldn't take much more...

 

"... haaaAHN..."

 

Touching the vibrator between his legs again seemed momentarily just too intense. He really was close, now... Carrot held it away from his body for a few moments, only touching it as he thrust forward... then as his feelings closed in on themselves, he held it close again. The feelings were intense but he wanted them to be intense, he wanted them to be that bit just too much...

 

"Nnnh... NNHN...!"

 

He couldn't help being loud, he couldn't help moaning his feelings... he didn't really care, either. Marron and the possibility of him returning was entirely forgotten, and if Marron himself knew that, he might have in fact been content with that, just for that situation. Currently Marron was in fact on the other side of the bathroom door, not that Carrot was aware of that at all. Carrot's moans, Carrot's cries... even muffled by the door, Carrot was still loud. There was a kind of guilt, but he could not help but treasure what he heard...

 

"Ghhhn... hghnnn..."

 

Climax eventually hit in only as an intensifier of feeling; suddenly Carrot found his hips thrusting and his body tensing, he rolled over onto his back as he came. The vibrator shifted as he did this, fell slightly between his legs... that only helped, and Carrot let out a long groan as his seed was released. Even as he lay there panting, the vibrator continued on with its loud and clumsy noise... for a few moments Carrot was too wiped out to concentrate on anything, but that noise didn't go away...

 

Carrot sighed deeply. Four times in one day? He really would have to... to try to do something that would help up his stamina somewhat. Other people probably managed more times, right? Just four times, and he felt absolutely exhausted... he yawned as he sat up. Well, at least it was time for sleeping now. Time to sleep, to regain lost energy, to maybe be able to perform a reprise come the morning, vibrator or not. Of course, that would depend on if they had a mission or not... well. Whatever happened in the morning, it wouldn't happen until the morning. It could wait.

 

The vibrator eventually wound itself down again, and this time Carrot just picked it up. He then picked himself up, walking over to the towel rail, wiping himself down... he found his discarded bathrobe from earlier, he quickly shrugged that over his shoulders. Then he heard a slight noise.

 

"... hhn..."

 

"Huh?"

 

It sounded like... a small cry, or something. A little whimper. Frowning, Carrot walked over to the bathroom door, and opened it; he nearly fell over Marron as he did so, not expecting to find him right there when he opened the door. What was Marron doing there? It seemed that he'd been crouched next to the bathroom door, or something... but to his credit, Marron seemed just as surprised as Carrot to be there.

 

"Hhh-!? Ni-... nii... san...!"

 

As the door opened, Marron nearly fell forward. Both hands reached to grab against the doorframe, and he found himself with his face against the towelling covering Carrot's legs; he looked up, Carrot looked down. There was a moment of somewhat shared confusion.

 

"Ma... Marron...? Whatcha doin' down there... for?"

 

What kind of legitimate reason was there? Marron fervently hoped that the folds of his robe and the way he was crouched would hide the fact that he was hard, but then there was still the reason why he required to hide in the first place... what could he say? He'd been sat there with his ear desperately pressed to the bathroom door to be able to listen to his brother masturbating. That wasn't an open option. What else? He'd been pressed against the bathroom door... he stared at the carpet as a vague idea came to him.

 

"I... I was... waiting for... that room to be... to be free..."

 

"Oh, jeez... if you needed to go, you coulda just knocked! I was only doing selfish things, but if you got a real natural urge, then...! Man, you're all doubled up. Need to go that bad? You coulda run along to one of the others and seen if you coulda used theirs... though I guess it's bad to not even be able to use your own bathroom... I'll leave you to it."

 

Carrot walked out into the bedroom, knocking at Marron with a foot to imply that he could go in, now. Marron stood up awkwardly, at least somehow happy that Carrot was so dismissive... well, he sounded like he'd just had quite an energetic time with that vibrator, his mind was probably tired by this point. Not arguing, Marron quickly stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

 

It wasn't as if he actually needed to go, or anything. Even if he had, other physicalities would have made that somewhat impossible... as it was, his erection pressed pointlessly against the folds of his robe. Could he do anything about it? He'd been touching himself for a couple of minutes, he'd been listening to Carrot caught up in his own ecstasies, had had his own mental images of what that looked like and then with the vibrator... Carrot hadn't said anything about that, had he? Perhaps he hadn't wanted Marron to notice. How could somebody not notice? Somebody against the door like that, surely they'd hear...

 

Marron busied himself with running the taps, flushing the toilet, making the sounds that would make Carrot think he actually needed to be in there. Not that Carrot would likely be listening anyway, but... just in case he was... just in case he heard... Marron went to dry his hands after running them under the cold tap, found one of the towels crumpled up on the floor. He picked that up and put it against the rail, dried his hands against it, then left the bathroom.

 

Fortunately enough, the bedroom itself was quite dark by this point. It was definitely night-time, and Carrot was now under his blankets...

 

The first thing Marron did was go over to the chest of drawers. It was closed; Carrot had obviously put the vibrator back... there was such an irrational urge to get it out just to be able to touch it with the knowledge of where it might have been, but... one had to be careful when it came to silent obsession, and doing something like that with Carrot actually in the room wouldn't have achieved anything. As it was, Carrot seemed to notice Marron over at the chest of drawers; he sat up.

 

"Uh..."

 

"Oh! Niisan?"

 

"... I... guess you noticed, huh..."

 

It seemed that Carrot was going to broach some kind of subject. Marron didn't want to talk about anything that was uncomfortable if there was the possibility that Carrot didn't want to talk about it; he feigned innocence.

 

"... Noticed, niisan...?"

 

"That I... I used that thing Milphey gave you. Kinda. I- I mean, I didn't actually use use it, couldn't get it in, but I... I at least used it a bit... uh..."

 

"... Niisan..."

 

"... So... like... jeez, it's difficult. I'm sorry, I guess. That was something you wanted to use 'cause you've got a problem with it, and I just used it stupidly 'cause it was there. I guess... that's a bit disgusting, huh... I, I'll wash it if you want me to! Boiling water, four kinds of soaps."

 

Marron could only shake his head, "Niisan, it, it's alright... if you wanted to use it, then... then it was an urge you couldn't suppress, surely? If there was even a kind of curiosity, then-"

 

"How did you know?!"

 

"... Niisan?"

 

"Uh... n-nevermind..."

 

"Ah... well... for whatever reason, you wouldn't have been able to help yourself... and if it managed to bring you some kind of pleasure, then-... then..."

 

Carrot sighed heavily, "I guess you could hear me, then..."

 

A pause. To lie, or not to lie? Given the nature of his discovery, there wasn't any easy way to make the former believable. Marron glanced down at the floor again, "... yes, niisan."

 

"I guess I worried you would... then I got forgettin' about that... got a bit, uh, wrapped up in other thoughts... god. I guess that's something kinda creepy to hear, right? Especially if you only needed the bathroom. You shouldn't gotta hear something like that."

 

A quick thought managed to hold Marron's tongue before the reflex reply of "It's alright niisan, I don't mind" came out. That response would have been a hard one to explain. Marron couldn't find anything else to say to that - perhaps it was creepy in a little way, but more than anything it had made Marron feel weak inside like other things couldn't... it was one thing to try to rationalize the desires, fight them, hide them, try to control them... but then Carrot would be making himself so comparatively obvious like that, rational thought became something that seemed unnecessary.

 

Something seemed to whisper so continually to Marron's heart... that had been the object of his disgusting and perverted desire, doing something almost just as disgusting and perverted... what kind of person used a vibrator to help them reach their climax? And Carrot had managed to reach his climax... as Marron went over to and got into his bed, he still felt trembles within him. Just moments ago, probably not even two feet away from him, Carrot had come to his climax. He'd been able to feel orgasm. He did things like that, while using object like that... that sex toy... that toy that had been something that Marron had been in possession of... Carrot had known that, had known that it'd been given to Marron, but he'd used it anyway. Used it with the knowledge of who it had belonged to.

 

What if Marron had actually used it beforehand? Not that there had really been a chance for him to do so, but... if he had...? Some people spoke of indirect kisses. If you could get an indirect kiss through sharing a bottle or using a musical instrument that somebody else had used, then what did you get through taking somebody else's sex toy?... Marron wasn't sure if that was something he should really have been thinking about. The room seemed far too warm all of a sudden, the bedsheets, his bedrobes... any thought not related to Carrot only rose to die in Marron's mind. To think about sleeping, to think about the sensible things... those paled in comparison to imagining Carrot all splayed out and flushed like that, touching himself and touching that thing... he said he hadn't managed to get it inside, but how else might he use it? Marron's mind only brought up wicked mental image after wicked mental image for that. He felt far too aware of even his breathing, somewhat shaking as it was... it seemed that even Carrot could notice that something was wrong.

 

"Uh, Marron...?"

 

"... Y-yes, niisan?"

 

"You okay?"

 

Marron tried to pass Carrot off easily, "Why... why would I not be, niisan...?"

 

"Just thought you were breathing sorta funny. Sorry, I'm probably noticing weird things... should get to sleep now I guess. Pretty tired."

 

The sound of Carrot yawning; well yes, of course somebody would be tired after bringing themselves off so furiously... Marron rolled onto his side, facing away from Carrot. He couldn't disguise his breathing and even Carrot could hear that, but... what else was there to do? Sleep was, as always, the sensible option. Be able to drift off, be able to ignore the tiresome things, to be able to reach some point of deep relaxation.

 

That fought against the arousal that pulsed through Marron's body. He closed his eyes. There wasn't any need for it. The feelings wouldnét get him anywhere. If he tried to take himself to his release he'd only end up even more frustrated... and how had it all happened, anyway? Just through hearing something that he might have just as easily not heard. It'd been coincidence; it had happened suddenly, it could go away just as suddenly. Hadn't he been a little bit proud at how well he'd managed to conduct himself recently? He'd, on the whole, managed to avoid thinking of troublesome things.

 

Well, there had been the fractious feelings during that mission with Gateau, but... those feelings and what he felt at the moment were two separate things. To think about things like that, to wonder on things that had happened... it was only human nature to try to work things out, wasn't it? There was at least a cause and effect kind of argument with those thoughts. This was all a little more irrational.

 

Even Carrot could do something like that, couldn't he?

 

He could easily have an orgasm...

 

Marron closed his eyes tighter, trying not to think about that, about all the ways in which Carrot might indeed be able to have an orgasm. Why he'd want to have an orgasm. What it'd look like. How he'd sound. His little gasps, his cries, those little sounds that couldn't even be described... his tiny movements, shudders and trembles that almost wouldn't be able to be seen, but to a trained eye would be so obvious... Marron's eye would certainly be trained so... Carrot's eyes would be hazy with lust and want and need and perhaps he'd reach forth for somebody else to help him, would need the warmth of another, and oh god, there was another so close and so willing and so hard and so wanting... Marron curled up, gripping the sheets to him. His thoughts wouldn't go away. They wouldn't go away. His eyes were closed, weren't they? The room was dark, the sky was dark, the hour was late, it was time to be asleep... was Carrot asleep? Could Carrot manage to sleep? Of course, he wouldn't have such problems...

 

"... Marron, you sure you're okay?"

 

"Ha-... ah?"

 

"You're not getting a cold or something, are you? 'Cause I don't want you giving it to me..."

 

"Uhn... n-no, niisan... not that I'm aware of..."

 

"You're not jerking off over there, are you?"

 

"N-no!"

 

"You're pretty breathless over there. You sure you're okay? No stomachaches, cramps, sickness, sore throat, blocked noses, anything like that?"

 

Marron shook his head even though Carrot couldn't see him, "N-no, niisan... nothing... nothing like that... I... I feel alright..."

 

Carrot's voice was a little quieter, "That sounds unconvincing even to me. If you're ill you should at least admit it. You don't gotta push yourself just because you got a duty, y'know? Even Big Mama would let you off a mission if she thought you were gonna pass out or something."

 

"It's nothing... nothing like that... niisan..."

 

"No?"

 

"No... I... I was only thinking of... of useless things..."

 

Even Carrot was aware how fractious feelings could gather up before you wanted to sleep. Even the smallest problem or inconvenience could become something that stopped you from sleeping, even if you promised to sort it out in the morning, it still felt an attractive prospect to sort it all out right then and there, even late at night... maybe Marron had something he wanted to do, something he wanted to say? Perhaps something was troubling him like that. Carrot rolled over in order to face Marron... the lack of light made things hard to see, but he could at least see Marron rolled away from him. Trying to hide something? Perhaps.

 

"You wanna talk about it?"

 

"N-no, niisan... there... that is... there isn't anything to talk about..."

 

The genuinely compassionate note in Carrot's voice only made Marron feel even more guilty.

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yes, niisan."

 

"Nothing I could help you with?"

 

Nothing he'd want to help with, Marron was quite sure. It was only the same old problem, there was no way to really express it... even if he was to say about what was really troubling him, Carrot would only come to the decision that Marron probably needed time to himself... that wasn't what he needed...! All the time to himself would only make things more frustrating if that time couldn't be used to any practical value... but no, there was nothing that Carrot could help with that he'd want to help with. How to explain it? How to excuse it?

 

"I want you near me. I want you in this bed. I want to feel you embrace me. I want you to look at me. I want to see your kind eyes. I want to feel your warm body. I want to feel your gentle touch. I want you to want me. I want you to help me."

 

"Marron?"

 

"H-hha... ahn... no, no... really niisan, it's nothing... I'm sorry for troubling you so late at night. You said you were tired... did you not? Therefore... if you're tired, then... really, you should sleep...!"

 

"Well, if there's something up with you then I'm gonna at least want to know about it, aren't I? I couldn't feel good about sleeping and leaving you to worry about something really bad. You sure there's nothing?"

 

"I'm sure."

 

The emotion didn't match the words spoken. Carrot could tell that Marron was at least trying to sound more confident in his tone, but... more than anything he sounded weary, to Carrot's ears. It was blatantly obvious that Marron was hiding something, keeping something to himself, whatever... but what could be done about it? Carrot knew from previous experience that, even if you really wanted Marron to say something, it'd be a hard task to get even anywhere near the answer... and even then, the answer itself might only be confusing. No, if Marron didn't want to say something, then he wasn't going to say something. Carrot sighed gently, supposing that he wouldn't get to find out whatever it was that was bothering Marron. Perhaps it was something that would pass, something that would be nothing once the calming light of morning touched it. Perhaps it was something that was nothing, and that he really didn't want a big deal made out of.

 

Whatever it was, Carrot still felt just a little guilty for the events of earlier. Rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling, his expression fell slightly.

 

"I'm still sorry I took your thing without asking or anything. It's one of those things you're not gonna want other people using, isn't it? Like if somebody gives you a donut they've already taken a bite out of, it's probably still okay to eat but you just feel weird about that bitten bit. If... if it's that that you're all thinkin' about, then, uh, I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do to make it up to you, just say so, and I'll do it..."

 

Just Carrot continually speaking was enough to make Marron tremble. Did he have to carry on like that? Did he have to keep speaking? Did he have to keep reminding Marron of his existence all of two feet away like that?!... Not that Marron wouldn't have wanted him so close, but to be so close and yet such a temptation... he only gripped the sheets closer to his body.

 

"... Niisan..."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"... If there was... ever something that you wanted... you wanted it so badly... so terribly... it overtook you, and the futility of the need set your mind into a delirium... a hopeless haze that enslaved you in its power... niisan... what... what would you do...?"

 

Was that an answer? Was that some kind of ambiguous allusion as to what Marron was feeling? Carrot just stared up at the ceiling, an eyebrow raised. Typical for Marron to come out with something weird like that. Flowery and eloquent, but weird. Why couldn't he say normal things like a normal person?! Carrot didn't know how to respond to that.

 

"If I was... whuh?"

 

"N-nothing... nevermind..."

 

"So... Marron's got problems because he's in love?"

 

"Love, lust, dangerous obsession... a combination of the three."

 

Carrot couldn't help but recall Milphey's words in his mind as he thought about what Marron had said. That was just harking back to all of that, wasn't it? Love was love, but wanting something as much as it seemed to pain Marron... well, that was that as much as anything else but Carrot didn't see quite what bearing it had on the current situation, unless the things that Marron was finding it hard to express were problems to do with all of that... and that was possible, Carrot supposed. Even random things could become an issue once night fell.

 

Nothing was said between them after that for a while, but Carrot couldn't help but think it a bit strange, at least the things that Milphey had said compared to the things that Marron said... was it really love, if it was like that? Carrot hadn't ever experienced anything like that, and given how Marron seemed to be at least at the moment, he didn't know if he really wanted to... that was what love was...? Surely being in love had to be a happier thing than being so quiet and upset about the smallest things half the time...

 

There was probably a difference between love and being in love, though. Thinking about that, Carrot wasn't sure he really knew what that was... well, sure there was a difference between loving somebody just because and then loving somebody because you wanted them in that way, but... when it came to the latter, his experiences were only very sudden and very brief. By this point feelings came and went and if he hadn't managed to score with the latest pretty lady, that was just something that was too bad, really. Nothing was ever so deep...

 

Even just the hint of Marron being in such kinds of pain made Carrot feel a little helpless. His sweet little brother, carrying such a cross that he wouldn't even talk about - well, he would, but then only in riddles and ambiguity...

 

It was really so painful, was it...?

 

Thinking about how almost sad a thought like that was, Carrot then came out with the thing that seemed most appropriate for the situation.

 

"Hey, Marron?"

 

"... Yes, niisan?"

 

"I love you."

 

That received no vocal answer. If Carrot had been around the other side of Marron's bed he might have seen his brother's eyes snap open and stare, confused, across at the other side of the room... as it was, all he could tell was that Marron was being a bit quiet all of a sudden. Carrot decided to embellish his point.

 

"'Cause like... I know you've said a bunch of times that there's somebody, and, and Milphey said that you had a thing with love and lust and obsession or something... and... you're being all quiet and crap at the moment and there's gotta be something up, and then you just sayin' all that stuff you were just sayin'... figured it was probably all related, ya know? I, I... I can't know anything unless you tell me stuff, but... well, I was just thinking, it's kinda sad if being in love is just painful. So I wanted to say something like that 'cause like, well, I mean, I do love you, and I guess you'd love me too, right? And that's not a painful big ooh aah kind of love, that's just a kind that is 'cause it is... I mean, I know that's different to being in love and all, but it's at least a kind of love that isn't painful, so... I... thought I'd say it, just so you knew. Uh, not that I'd think that you wouldn't know, just, if you're depressed over stuff like that... um... well, it's always nice to know that people love you, right? Even though you're weird, I love you. You're my kooky little brother, and it'd be weird if you were anything else. So just stay as you are, okay? Except if you can get happier about the stuff that's gettin' to ya, then that'd be good. 'Cause a smile is always nice too."

 

"... A pure, innocent kind of love..."

 

"Hmn?"

 

"That kind of love... that... that brotherly kind of love... it's a pure kind of love... don't you think...?"

 

"Uh? Well... yeah, I guess it could be, couldn't it? I dunno what kind of thing a not pure sort of love would... if it's love then it's love, isn't it? Unless it's something weird like 'I love to collect severed fingers' or something. That's... not really a pure kind of love..."

 

"... That kind of ideal..."

 

Carrot could hear Marron shifting around in his bed, then the slight impact of his bare feet hitting the floor.

 

"... I would wish for it, or anything similar..."

 

That was followed by the sound of him walking away. Then was the sound of the bedroom door... it opened, it closed. Carrot sat up slightly; Marron had left the room? That was sudden. Just what had caused that? What had caused it, and what had he meant by what he'd been saying? Wanting a pure ideal, or whatever... did that mean he didn't even have that? That didn't seem to make sense. They were brothers, so of course they had the pure brotherly love thing going on! Didn't they? Unless Marron didn't feel that he loved Carrot...? No, but that seemed to be something that would go without saying... Carrot didn't really understand, but that was more or less the standard now for any matter dealing with Marron. Any questions asked would only really uncover more unanswered questions than actual answers...

 

Perhaps he'd just gone off for a drink, or something. A little walk. Something like that. Would he be back quickly? Carrot still wasn't sure about going to sleep, not while Marron was in whatever kind of strange mood it was that he was in... but could he really do anything about that? Maybe if he went off after Marron, tried to talk to him some more... but then again, maybe he'd gone off to be on his own... he seemed to do that a lot of late. Carrot wasn't sure what to do. Would Marron be mad if Carrot followed him? Would he be angry if he was left alone? How were you supposed to react in a situation like that? Carrot found himself standing up next to his bed, ready to follow off after Marron. He seemed lonely again, surely he wouldn't want to be left alone?

 

Thoughts that Carrot himself might have wanted to suppress then came to mind. Talking about things like that... talking about the brotherly love thing... Carrot couldn't help but remember back when Marron and Gateau were together and weird stuff had happened, then for a while Carrot had been convinced that Marron would rather want Gateau as a brother than Carrot...

 

That brought back bad childhood memories. Well, not that Marron had ever wanted Monbran as his older brother anyway, but just the fact that there had to be the constant fighting... at first it had been refreshing to know somebody who seemed to like Marron, who wasn't always picking on him because of his looks or his manner or whatever... but then it seemed to go too much in the other direction, and Monbran was just a bit too friendly. There had always been the rivalry and the fighting, but then there had always been that confidence that Marron would only ever want to go back to Carrot, in the end... well, of course. Even if Monbran beat Carrot up badly, Marron would always run to Carrot to try to help him with his pains rather than celebrate Monbran as the winner... and of course, Marron had always, in his young age, been quite vocal about how he'd only want Carrot as a brother, even if Monbran was stronger and more powerful and essentially better at protecting, Carrot was his brother and Monbran was just a pushy little git (of course, Marron had never quite said that but that was how Carrot saw him, in retrospect)...

 

Carrot sat back onto his bed. He hadn't really thought about Monbran for a while. He was somebody who, as far as Carrot was concerned, was best left forgotten... but all throughout childhood dealings with him, it'd always seemed a little pointless because there was always that confidence that Marron would pick Carrot over Monbran, would always run back to the one he wanted the most, would always want Carrot the most... then Marron had returned from his magical studies sans Monbran and more or less right after that, they'd gone right into the hunting Sorcerers bit...

 

It'd always been a little strange to match up that wide-eyed little thing that had left Mount St Hordic to the tall and graceful magic user who'd returned to Mount St Hordic... but that was neither one thing or the other, really.

 

Maybe Marron had gone off to see Milphey or... or Gateau, or somebody.

 

Even though everything had sort of fallen apart with Gateau and Marron, there'd always been that one thing that Marron had said, that time out in Facade when Carrot had been spying on them... when he said that he'd rather Gateau be his brother, or whatever.

 

All those years of fighting against Monbran's similar influence and then suddenly the ground had been knocked out from under Carrot's feet. Even now, the more he thought about it, the more he had no idea just what Marron was trying to get at... he saw Gateau as somebody better to protect him? He'd want to be protected by somebody like Gateau? Maybe Gateau was somebody he sort of looked up to, like a brother. Arguably, Gateau did have all of those qualities...

 

Maybe that was why he'd had such problems getting Marron off. Maybe Marron just didn't see Gateau like that? Maybe that had been Marron's bid for platonic friendship or something, but then there'd been that kiss, and... well, Carrot didn't know what to think.

 

However, he couldn't help but decide that, along that logic, Marron probably wouldn't want Carrot following after him after all. He'd walked away from Carrot, he probably needed the kind of ear that somebody else could lend. Maybe Gateau would be willing to give him some kind of closeness, whatever it was that Marron felt that he needed. Maybe Milphey could sit and listen patiently to things - that was just the kind of person he was, wasn't he? And he could give a lot more advice and stuff on all the love things. When it came to that Carrot could only say what he thought, and compared to Marron, he wasn't really sure if any of it was applicable... after all, he could only report on what he knew or saw, and given Marron, that wasn't an awful lot.

 

Marron was, in any case, having entirely different sorts of relationships now. More adult relationships, with adult things... a brotherly love was all innocent and pure perhaps, but then again, who wanted to cling to something like that when they were growing up to experience totally different things...?

 

Who wanted to cling to such things...? Maybe Marron did. He also seemed to want other things so much, but also seemed unable to have them... why? Why was he unable? What was preventing him?

 

"... What if... I... was the one who was preventing him...?"

 

Carrot fell back against the bed.

 

Perhaps telling Marron that he loved him had been the worst kind of thing to say, after all.

 

****

 

Nobody should have to see somebody in such a base state of being, Marron had it implicitly worked into his mind.

 

There was too much running through his head. He could have tried to find Milphey, late as it was... maybe even Gateau would listen to him if he was feeling sympathetic, but when it came to it, Marron was feeling far too much that was separate to even try talking to other people. He didn't trust himself to be able to just talk. So where else was there to go? He shut himself quickly in his study and sank to the floor, thankful that he didn't have to stand up any longer.

 

Meditation. That was the sensible thought. Clear the mind and purify the body, forget all the troublesome and pointless things, bring himself back to an agreeable state of mind to be able to go back to sleep. Sleep was important, after all - nothing was worse than having to go on a mission feeling all tired and grumpy from not enough sleep the night before. Meditation... sleep. The important things.

 

There were the problems of need and willpower, though. As Marron fell to the floor he shifted over and curled up, not an ideal position for meditation. A kind of pain ran through him with every pulse of his blood, and a shuddering, trembling need echoed alongside that pain. It was pain. It hurt. A physical shooting sort of pain, but... it could be relieved, couldn't it? If there was physical contact... if there was a touch...

 

The hopeless desperation only seemed to have multiplied within recent months, but somehow, despite all of that there was always a tiny hope; tiny and flickering but still glittering and there. By this point of feeling the hope felt like all there was. Maybe this time it would work? If he touched himself in a certain way, if he touched himself in a different way, if he was a little softer or a little rougher, if he really could push his body that far then just maybe his conscious mind would allow him his orgasm...

 

Oh god, and how good that would feel, after so long... to be able to tremble like that, to shudder and moan in that intense pleasure, to be able to give himself over and feel nothing but that which his body wanted him to... to be able to come to some kind of release...

 

Against irrational thoughts, meditation was a lot less attractive. Meditation didn't hold the promise of that feeling... and Marron found himself almost clawing against the carpet with one hand, his rear raised slightly as his hand worked between his robes and to where he needed a touch, and when he felt that touch he could only feel numb, feel some kind of dull sensation that seemed repetitive, but... the need to keep moving was too strong, and it was the most basic natural movement. He wrapped his hands around his erection and thrust against it, trying to find some kind of pleasure there, any kind of pleasure... he gasped and panted and clenched his fingers against the floor, scraping slight marks into the beige fibres. To be able to come... to be able to come... what kind of person wasn't even able to do that...?

 

Carrot had managed it before, hadn't he? Jerking off so indiscriminately like that... what had his moans been like? Marron's mind could recall them all too keenly and just those memories brought a tremble to his lower stomach. Yes, a feeling like that... if it could be sustained... if it could be kept... if every one of Carrot's moans could cause a feeling like that... to be touched to the tune of that sound... if Carrot were to touch him... if they were to touch each other... if his own groan were to cause such a reaction... Marron closed his eyes tightly, mind devolving into thoughts of Carrot again. He didn't have to worry about being heard, Carrot was too far away and it was too late at night for anybody to really care.

 

If Carrot were to touch him...

 

"Nnhnnhn..."

 

A kiss from Carrot... one that carried need and longing and wanting and it would go further, oh so further... Marron pressed his forehead against his hand.

 

"... Niisan... nn... nn-... NNHHH..."

 

To feel arms around him, a body against him... Carrot would have his own needs, his own terrible lusts. He could inflict it all on Marron. He could be as rough as he wished, and Marron would only enjoy it... his thoughts devolved further, turning to images that could only be considered deviant... Carrot would never be so rough, Carrot would never behave like that, but in that frame of mind reality was all but forgotten. It was Marron's fantasy, and as far as that fantasy went, Carrot would use him as brutally and as violently as his own passions bid him. A forceful grip and bestial movements, Carrot would be as overtaken in his feelings as Marron and he wouldn't be able to prevent anything... maybe it'd even be painful, but to know that a pain had been caused by Carrot...

 

To be able to turn the pain into something better... Marron was lost to the world, only able to keep his eyes clenched shut and his hips thrusting against his hand. It hurt, each movement only emphasized the dull pain that ran throughout his body telling him that it was pointless, but... in his daydream, it hurt just as much. Hurt in a different way, hurt in the immediate physical movements... it hurt, but still he'd moan Carrot's title, treasure Carrot's touch, want nothing but Carrot...

 

"Nii... nii... niisannnn..."

 

Saying Carrot's name like that, in such a situation... in a frame of mind like that... heat was overtaking his mind and flooding out anything else, he could only gasp and cry his passions... his terrible, wicked, deviant passions... Carrot could punish him so wonderfully... it would hurt... it would hurt more... would hurt more than that could... the pain of two people... the wonderful, wonderful pain... if it was shared... if they both knew of each other's feelings... Marron could see Carrot in his mind. Hear his voice. Almost feel his touch. The visual memory of touch was nearly enough, and if he thought on it long enough he could visualise himself, his own body, such perverted pleasures inflicted on him by his brother... wouldn't be able to escape any of it... wouldn't want to escape any of it... Marron couldn't even speak to say Carrot's title any longer. His cries were desperate and he could feel frustrated tears in his eyes whenever he opened them... 'you can't do this on your own' only echoed alongside 'nobody else will do it for you' in his mind. It was terrible and it was self-inflicted but it was also inescapable and how could he ever try to fight against something like that? How could he escape it? Repressing thoughts and feelings like that... to deny his thoughts of Carrot... they could never come true, could they? Oh god, though... if desperation could equal result then Carrot could only be his... if Carrot could see that desperation... Marron didn't want to be seen like that but if it were Carrot who saw him, if Carrot could have seen him and understood then that would have been the exception... if Carrot could see him... if Carrot could accept him...

 

Meditation would get rid of such feelings. Meditation worked, meditation could calm his mind and his body...

 

Meditation had originally been to clear out such thoughts when it came to times that couldn't sustain them - being distracted during missions, feeling things he shouldn't while studying, feeling things he shouldn't full stop... and there had always been that thought in his mind that, if he really needed those feelings, he'd be able to feel them. If he ever felt he had the time and energy to masturbate, he would, and the release would be granted when he wanted it to be. Too many people around were controlled by their sexual drive. Marron had, at least for a while, wanted to think himself not one of those people.

 

Opening his eyes, that thought occurred over Marron's mind. To be controlled by the sexual drive...? What else was the current situation if not that... it was late, but the hour belonged to him alone. It wasn't a time when something else had to be done (except perhaps for sleep), he himself wasn't bothering or disturbing anybody... if there was ever a time to masturbate, then now was possibly it. His body was not willing to comply.

 

He slowed in his movements, falling slightly against the carpet. His breathing was quite loud by this point; he felt so hot, his body felt the same... his heart was pounding in his chest and his hand, still clenched, shuddered constantly. What was the problem? Surely by any biological assessment his body was ready for orgasm...? As a natural process... there would be stimulation, then effect. The stimulation Carrot had unwittingly provided had had an effect, surely acting on that could only go further...? If you were cut, you would bleed. Was this not the base human instinct? The need for male climax to propagate the species. It was required, therefore it wouldn't be difficult, would it? Staring forth into the darkness of the room with hazy vision, Marron couldn't help a wry look at himself. It was a good thing that nobody was relying on him to propagate anything.

 

His body trembled, caught between the physical pleasures and the pain that was associated with that. What was the alternative? Was it even possible for anybody to help...? When it was just he himself, he always seemed to reach a kind of dead end, a point where his body just refused to go further. When it was with other people... even with all the will in the world, nothing that anybody did seemed to do anything... only seemed to make things worse. Marron was half-tempted to perhaps find somebody and request something or another... even if he ended up unconscious again, it'd at least mean that he was away from the thoughts that plagued him and would perhaps be able to sleep for a while...

 

Marron rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling of the room. It was as dark as anywhere else in the room, but at least from that position he could see the windows... the windows only revealed how dark it was outside, but he could at least see the pinpoints of stars, just slightly.

 

It all continued. Things could only go forward, couldn't they? The earth turned, people grew older, people had experiences that would shape and define them... perhaps there would be a dream, a goal, an aim. Something to go forward towards. As Marron stared at the ceiling, he wondered if any of that could be true for him. Moving forwards? The more he seemed to experience, the more his experiences seemed to trap him. He almost longed for the time back when he and Gateau had decided to be together - at least at that point there'd seemed to be almost some kind of mystery, some kind of comfortable sort of suspense for the things that would happen... even Marron had had to admit to himself that there had been a little kind of happiness there, even just at the beginning. There had been moments of comfort, moments of happiness. There had also been moments of desperation and terrible need, but... there had always been a kind of... Marron had always hoped that the next time would change things perhaps, and that in the end seemed to have been one of the things that had annoyed Gateau. He also seemed to have some kind of preconception that the next time would be different.

 

If Marron had hoped that and Gateau had done also, then why hadn't those times been different? What was it about them alone that caused the same things to end up happening...?

 

Of course, by now there wouldn't be any more next times to judge things against. Gateau had seemed quite clear on that when he'd last been angry, though that had turned into a time of its own... that had been different, but unintentional. Gateau, at least, probably would have regretted it if things had gone further.

 

Even with Milphey, things hadn't been astoundingly different. Different in manner and execution, Marron had never wished to goad Milphey to anger and Milphey had hardly ever been anything but patient and kind, but... with a sigh, Marron supposed that that was where part of the current frustration came from. He and Milphey had had sex. Marron himself couldn't remember a whole lot from it, given the way lust could overtake him sometimes he was surprised he'd still been conscious afterwards, but...that... hadn't worked, had it...? For quite some time, at least for all the time with Gateau, Marron had developed a certain kind of attitude towards sex. It was the thing that hadn't happened yet, it was the thing that was a little bit new and a little bit different, it was something he could only really know by experiencing it, and since that was the untested option then surely it would have some kind of positive effect...!

 

The hopeful options seemed to have been slowly whittled away, and the more that Marron thought about it, the less choices he seemed to be left with. Back with Gateau had been the promise of new relation and new experience... by his own hand he'd managed to spoil such things and turn them bitter. That had only led to anger and frustration. With Milphey was at least the promise of help, but while help could easily be offered, it was less useful if somebody didn't know quite how to help...

 

Relationships caused frustration. Sexual contact caused frustration. The lack of sexual contact caused frustration. The desire caused frustration. The argument for rational thought caused frustration. Marron clenched his fist, why did everything seem to have to lead to frustration?! Indeed, it seemed only able to be left to Kahlua to think about things, and even now it seemed that all he'd established was that there was a problem... perhaps Kahlua would take his time, but was there really time for him to take!?

 

Marron supposed that at least the situation couldn't exactly change. He was frustrated. He'd been frustrated. He was going to be frustrated. If he had to remain frustrated then he would have to remain frustrated; if nothing could be done about it, then nothing could be done about it, and constant meditation would remain the last and tested answer.

 

That didn't stop just the slightest hope that perhaps Kahlua could find something out, could discover something that could help, just even in the tiniest bit...

 

Rolling back over onto his side and closing his eyes again, Marron couldn't help but feel pained in a slightly different way. That seemed to be one of the more frustrating things - the constantly belief that there was a hope there, somewhere... and if Kahlua's research brought nothing? Would that be an end to the hope, or would there be something else to aim for, to think about, to hope for...?

 

That only brought about thoughts of Carrot once more. If nothing else, those thoughts seemed more irrational than any other. Amongst the darkness and perversion that Marron felt plagued his thoughts, still were the more innocent thoughts of Carrot. In his thoughts, dreams and fantasies, it would always be Carrot. He'd always be with Carrot, and it was always Carrot who'd bring him to his climax. Realistically, there was nothing that Marron could rationally think of that Carrot could do that would be better to the things that Gateau or Milphey did, at least physically... a touch was essentially a touch, and some people were just better at things than others. Marron was less sure on Gateau than he was on Milphey, but both at least had a little prior experience... though really it was up to the individual pairing to find out what felt the best for a specific partner, Marron couldn't help but think that Carrot would be a little... unenthusiastic, perhaps, at first. At least if it was them together. Suspending disbelief and imagining that Carrot could accept his feelings... maybe things would take him a little while to get used to, but in the rose-tinted world of Marron's fantasies, it would always be lovely in the end. Perhaps Carrot couldn't be a perfect lover or anything, but because it was him there would never be anything lacking...

 

There was a difference, Marron supposed, in that really, when it came to Carrot... it wasn't just things like that. If it was wanting somebody for the physical things then that was one thing, but... it wasn't just that, not at all...! Even since before knowing what such things were, Marron had always had a preference for Carrot... the sexual aspect was one that could be overpowering, but it was only one of a plethora of emotions felt. Sometimes the most painful fantasies were just those that were calm and sweet, perhaps sitting together in a gentle embrace, being able to hold hands... just silly little displays of affection that Marron knew he'd probably be a little too embarrassed to do if he even ever had the chance to do them... Gateau had been into similar things, but with him, it was... it was different. With Gateau - or with anybody - there was always the worry that it was a kind of betrayal to the thoughts and feelings that Marron held for Carrot. If it were Carrot himself...

 

If it was something that could be accepted... if it were something that was accepted, then there wouldn't be any need for any kind of guilt. The constant shame that whispered to Marron's mind would be lifted, all of the hopeless knowledge of the futility of the feelings would be eradicated, the self-doubt and self-loathing could be taken away... Carrot had the power to do that? Just by smiling and saying 'I accept you', he could make everything better... did one person really have that kind of power? All of the pain, all of the anguish, all of the suffering. Carrot could get rid of it so quickly like that? Well, if he were to look at all that Marron was and not turn away... what kind of feeling would be left? If Carrot were to smile at all of those things that Marron thought about, then there wouldn't be the need to think them horrible or disgusting... Carrot could... Carrot could make him happy...

 

Was it right to rely on somebody so wholeheartedly like that? That was another feeling that Marron couldn't shake the negative connotations of. If you built so much around a person, could they ever break free of that? Could they ever live up to the pedestal you'd put them on? If nothing else... if anything ever happened to Carrot... that was a thought that Marron never even wanted to think of, but that in itself was telling. If Carrot were to die, what then? If Carrot were to form a happy, stable and contented relationship with somebody else... what then? Such thoughts seemed to lock a kind of barrier around Marron's mind. If those points were reached, what could be beyond them? In both situations, circumstances defined the absolute loss of hope... perhaps if Carrot were in a relationship there would always be devious thoughts of stealing him from that relationship, carrying out something in secret, but... Carrot wouldn't go for that, they'd only be fanciful dreams. And if it was somebody that Carrot really was happy with, Marron knew he couldn't feel happy about trying to spoil that...

 

If he was to worry about relying on Carrot too much, Marron already knew he was several years to a decade too late for that. When they'd been younger, it'd been so much more simple... if people had been picking on him, even if Carrot hadn't been around at the time, he'd quickly pick up on the fact that Marron was upset, weed out of him who caused that upset, then go round to deliver his own particular brand of revenge come the morning... then with Monbran, he'd always tried to pull Marron away, said annoying things, but then Carrot would always always fight to try to prove things, to himself or Marron or Monbran, whatever. There had always been the expectation that there were certain things that would remain; Marron would always wish for Carrot beside him, and Carrot would always be willing to fight for that, or at least wish for it also.

 

Those had, of course, been childish thoughts. As they'd grown up it seemed that the only thing Carrot wanted was a girl to sleep with, and Marron could only watch in disapproval as his brother's tastes changed so suddenly.

 

He still had his moments, though. Marron still remembered that time, right at the start of his and Gateau's relationship, where Carrot had self-righteously gone off to get his revenge on Gateau for the things that Carrot thought he'd done; maybe those accusations had been false, but the sentiment was still basically there. When it came to it, Carrot still had a basic urge to run to the protection of his little brother. Sometimes. Marron wondered if it was selfish to treasure thoughts like that... Carrot would want to come between Marron and anybody he got with? Well, it wasn't like that, but... it was a selfishly comforting thought to think that perhaps they could be similar like that. Marron wouldn't like Carrot forming a relationship with anybody... perhaps it had an effect on Carrot also? If it could form even a fraction of the jealous, possessive feelings that Marron himself felt...

 

Could he really think about causing his brother such negativity? Was it alright for Carrot to feel frustration if it had the possibility of anything further between the two of them? Marron's ethics conflicted in his mind. The thought that he should cause Carrot pain, even mental pain, was enough to send him into guilt-ridden thoughts of self-punishment. It was on record that he would rather die than hurt Carrot; this was true, such a thing was unforgivable, but then if it was a different kind of pain in a kind of self-interest, then...

 

That was even worse.

 

Marron's basic ethic was that he wanted Carrot to live a happy, contented, safe, peaceful kind of life. As happy, contented, safe and peaceful as it could be given their line of work, in any case. Therefore it was Marron's duty to prevent pain, ensure satisfaction and comfort, take care of Carrot when he needed it, but... surely part of that was also recognizing when to step back? To inflict himself too much on Carrot would not bring happiness. He was such an unforgivable person, when he really thought about it... surely if anything, he didn't want to infect Carrot with his deeply terrible thoughts? Marron had thought it before, but Carrot was essentially an innocent sort of person. Not really pure and innocent, but in that he could be so carefree and his thoughts so clear-cut... he didn't need the kinds of complications that would bring him pain. Basically this seemed to mean that Marron should remain close and protective as much as he could be, but then allow freedom where it was needed... like a security blanket, perhaps. Carrot would always have Marron's love and protection, but he also had a free will to do whatever he wanted, and that was something Marron didn't quite feel that he had.

 

Perhaps there was some sense of taking Carrot's problems onto his own shoulders - Carrot never worried and Marron worried twice as much, but if that was true, then... Marron didn't mind a thought like that. If it meant that Carrot could be happy, then it was alright.

 

Even just then, Carrot had seemed worried, seemed concerned... seemed so about him... Marron shook his head to himself. If there was anybody that Carrot shouldn't have to worry about, then it was him himself. The problems that plagued Marron were essentially any thought to do with Carrot. Carrot didn't have to concern himself with such things - he didn't have to know the dark underside to his sunny and cheerful life. If he were to concern himself with those problems then he would only realise the extent of hurt and feeling, and... and that wouldn't... he wouldn't be content by knowing that...! Ignorance was bliss and Marron was determined to keep Carrot being both blissful and ignorant.

 

Bringing the hand that had been between his legs up to his eye level, Marron sighed deeply. All of those thoughts were true, but... how did they tangle in with the fact that he was unable to feel his climax?... It had to be at least somehow related to Carrot. Marron couldn't help but think of Carrot's words earlier, when he said he'd been in the bathroom to do 'selfish' things... it was a selfish thing, wasn't it? The manner of orgasm, the principle of that overtaking feeling purely for one's own self... for him to masturbate was to do something selfish, was to use thoughts of Carrot for his own ends... was even the masturbation itself a betrayal to Carrot, as much as things with Milphey and Gateau had been? It could have been taken either way. Either that masturbating to thoughts of Carrot was a form of glorification and worship in his mind, or it was a betrayal and form of misuse. Carrot in Marron's dreams and Carrot in real life were two arguably separate beings... could he even start to justify any of it? When it came to it, it seemed to boil down to the fact that Marron thought those things because he wanted to, because they brought some kind of wicked pleasure, and it was entirely on his own bidding... he didn't have to think about Carrot, but he did.

 

Would it have been more of a betrayal to not think about Carrot? Was drawing sexual pleasure from those sorts of thoughts the lesser of two evils? In a life that revolved around Carrot, Marron would rather have thought about Carrot than not, but... if there was any line which shouldn't be crossed, then Marron felt he had already done so. Perhaps such lines had been drawn by his own self long ago, but... masturbation was a selfish and self-centred thing, geared only to the gratification of one person. The thoughts could be of Carrot, they could even be for Carrot, but in the end it would always be that the primary drive was for self-pleasure. A singular pleasure. A pleasure that was his, that could belong to him... something that was nothing to do with Carrot? The thoughts would be of him...

 

Thinking about it like that, how could sex be any different...? At its most basic level, surely it was akin to two people consensually using each other for their own gratification... though, that could depend on circumstance. Pleasure could be taken from seeing the happiness of another, couldn't it? Though was that pleasure for the sake of the other person or for the person inflicting it...? When Marron thought of it like that, it couldn't seem a good thing at all. Was there no related feeling that was entirely unselfish? Even something done to bring happiness to somebody else would bring a joy to those causing it... would they be so eager if that joy was not promised? Perhaps it was to bring a mutual kind of happiness. Indeed, looking upon happiness with such a negative eye was perhaps telltale of an outside view... Marron doubted that two people in a happy relationship would smile and nod and say about how they consensually used each other.

 

If it was with Carrot... what would it have been like? A lot of Marron's thoughts were violent, of him being used for Carrot's benefit... his pleasure would come from Carrot's selfish own, and he didn't mind that kind of thought. As to Marron's own benefits from those thoughts... there was at least the raw sexuality in those images, as opposed to the intense pain that came about from thinking of things more soft, more gentle... the loving emotion was something more sensitive and something that Marron really wasn't sure he could put across anymore; his love could never be seen as pure in any kind of way, and to think of gentle things was only to think of things he was sure could never be... the punishment was closer to how he saw himself. Such a perverted person... how could 'love' enter into it at all? It was the thing that was elusive and unattainable... his image of that had already been muddied by his thoughts and feelings for Carrot. That was love, wasn't it? Powerful, overtaking, painful, sinful, terrible... something that was innocent and pure, something that just existed for the sake of it... something that could be treasured and loved for what it was rather than for the pain of what it wasn't... that innocence had died quite some time ago.

 

Still... Marron couldn't help but think... even if he and Carrot couldn't have sex, he would have been satisfied. As long as they could be together, as long as there was some kind of promise... as long as there was no expectation for either to find anybody else, as long as there would always be that loyalty... Marron would have been happy to stay in a loving yet platonic relationship with Carrot for as long as was possible had Carrot only wanted that also. As it was, other people got in the way... twisted desires rose, and platonic love was no longer enough for Carrot. Marron would have loved and treasured Carrot in any way that was desired... and Carrot's primary urge seemed to be that of his libido. Carrot had a need for sexual satisfaction, therefore Marron wished to grant that. Anything else, Marron would have wished to grant also. Anything that Carrot wanted, he would be...

 

Then was that frustration. He really would try to make himself live up to anything that Carrot wanted - the sexual, the friendly, the comforting, the protecting, anything... but then was the base fact that the very things he could not help about his identity were things that Carrot didn't want. Somebody who was a man. Somebody who was a blood relation. A man who was a blood relation. Both of those unchangeable things seemed to hold a lot more influence than the powerful emotions that ran alongside them - just those two facts seemed to negate the impact of anything else. Even love was something that was expected because of the blood relation. If anybody else were to declare love for Carrot, he'd have to consider what his own feelings were, he'd be confused, he'd have to work things out... but for Marron to say he loved Carrot, that was only somewhat expected. On the other hand, Carrot would say that he loved Marron also, but then was the confusion of that wide emotion... he loved Marron, but how? Why? How much? Could such a thing even be measured? If not, then what was the difference between loving somebody unrelated and loving somebody who happened to be your brother? If love had so many different forms then how could it even stand to having one name...

 

How many words were there for the emotions that people shared? Things such as brotherhood, the expansion of feeling that was friendship... could one even define emotion?... Marron would, however, never have hesitated to say that he loved Carrot. No matter what sentiment that statement held, Marron would hold to it. In whatever way it could or couldn't be defined, he loved Carrot. If it was something complicated, he'd accept the complications. If it was something simple, then it needed no further definition. He loved Carrot. Despite all the perversion and need and lust and worry and problems... even if it was the cause of the problems in the first place, it was the one pure thing that Marron felt he could say. He loved Carrot. Nobody would ever be able to take that away from him.

 

That still, of course, didn't explain the physical inability to orgasm. Having thought of it like that... if it was something simple, then the drive was that Marron loved Carrot and thus wanted to have an orgasm over him. Marron wanted to be what Carrot wanted, and it seemed that Carrot wanted people who were sexual in their nature.

 

Therefore, wasn't the fact that Marron himself couldn't come a failure to that way of thinking? Carrot's main drive was that which was sexual, and Marron couldn't bring himself to shape to that mould. If he was ever in the position to offer himself to Carrot, to say 'I will be what you want me to be', if Carrot were to say 'Alright, I wish for a lover who could satisfy any need I had'... would that be something that Marron couldn't manage? In such a situation he would of course cater to any need that Carrot had, satisfy him in any way he wished to be satisfied, but... wasn't there a satisfaction through shared emotion? Carrot would have had to have been the most selfish person if he wasn't going to be worried about Marron's needs at all... Marron liked to think that he could happily operate for Carrot's stimulation and satisfaction without need of his own, but past events had proved that that was not quite the case. Was it not always something that Carrot did that stirred his unhelpable emotion? Being able to cause Carrot's pleasure was such a potent feeling, but that feeling could never physically end at itself... while Marron's mind would have been happy to end on 'my brother is satisfied therefore I am satisfied', his body would always have whispered against that, 'he's satisfied, now what about me?'... it was a selfish thought. However, could not any thought be deconstructed to its most selfish origin? There was little that could be done about that.

 

Thoughts were good enough to be able to distract... but still things felt painful, still Marron found himself with an erection... he sighed. Shouldn't that have gone away already? Of course, his thoughts had only continued on to be about Carrot, but... it was typical that not only could he not have an orgasm, but his erection wouldn't go away when he wanted it... there was meditation. He could have forced it away. Wasn't that just giving up again, though? He couldn't be what Carrot wanted if he was so sexually inadequate. Sometimes pain could be a valiant and courageous thing, couldn't it? Not quite feeling the emotion behind his movements, Marron rolled back onto his stomach and touched his hand back to between his legs. He closed his eyes tightly as he felt the pains again, slight but there... no, but... even if it was painful, it didn't matter... if it was painful... if he did manage to come, then... then he would undoubtedly cry Carrot's name as he did so... it would be an emotion felt for Carrot... he could be what Carrot wanted... he could...

 

Each movement caused a cry, as if on reflex. A cry somewhere confused between pleasure and pain... between the wanting to feel pleasure, and the pain of it being denied... the frustration was terrible and the dull pain only reminded Marron of its presence within his body... the cries became more desperate. Anybody who might have heard those cries might have been quite concerned - they certainly weren't cries of joy, in any situation. As it was, somebody did hear, walking past the door on the way to get a glass of water... at first they'd passed it off, figured it wasn't any of their business, figured that maybe it was something they shouldn't get involved in. The cries had only become louder after the water was retrieved from downstairs, and at that point, the person felt the need to intervene. After all, might not somebody else hear and be concerned? There was a door closed between the noise and the corridor, but if anybody even became a little awake and heard... and if somebody wasn't feeling well, wasn't it a good idea to find out what was wrong?

 

"NnAAH... nnhnNNNAHN..."

 

Marron was too occupied within himself to really notice the door opening; his eyes were pressed against his wrist and his cries were the loudest sounds to his ears. However, when somebody spoke, he couldn't really help but notice.

 

"... Um... Marron-chan...?"

 

The words spoken carried an expectation that was not met; on hearing the voice, Marron turned his head a little... he felt hazy and preoccupied as it was, but when the voice was just a little higher than the one he would have expected and he looked up to see a figure that could only be female... looking up more than his initial glance had allowed, he could see concerned eyes and hair that could only be identified as pink, even in the darkness. Tira stood there in her pyjamas, carrying a glass of water. It seemed too strange that she'd be standing there like that; Marron just stared at her. Maybe she was a figment of his imagination. Maybe he was asleep. That stare only seemed to concern Tira further; she dropped to a crouch in front of him.

 

"... You don't look very well..."

 

Her voice was a little louder, and slight proof to Marron's mind that she wasn't just a strange hallucination. He didn't look very well? He didn't feel very well, either. That didn't make it any of her business. As it was, his hand was still between his legs, but it was the hand furthest away from Tira and there were the folds of robes as well as his position; perhaps she hadn't noticed? It didn't matter. He dropped his head back to his wrist; Marron wasn't feeling at his most eloquent.

 

"Go away."

 

A hand reached out and pressed at his shoulder in a sort of 'come on, get up' motion. Marron didn't.

 

"If you're not feeling well then you should at least let somebody help you...!"

 

"I came here for privacy. I would not wish to be seen like this..."

 

"You seemed fine earlier on...! Was it something you ate? Was it that meringue? I thought the cream was a little rich, myself..."

 

Marron pushed himself up into some kind of position where he could properly address Tira, "It's not something I ate!"

 

Tira was quite shocked by the anger in his voice as Marron spoke, his voice raising somewhat in the quiet night air. On seeing her shocked expression, it seemed that Marron himself was a little surprised... really looking at Tira like that... she seemed shocked, and a little hurt as well. Of course, she was only being kind, being concerned... she would only be worried about other people, wouldn't she? Marron felt a rush of guilt for being so abrupt with her. He sank back down to the floor, unable to make eye contact.

 

"... I'm sorry."

 

"Marron-chan was a little scary..."

 

"I didn't mean to raise my voice. I-... you're right. I'm... not feeling at my best."

 

There was a little amusement in Tira's voice, "I thought there was something wrong. Isn't it better to admit something like that? Still, I would have thought it better to stay in a bathroom than a study, especially if you were feeling sick..."

 

Both hands were out on the floor now, Marron's position having been disturbed when he last moved. He leant his head on his right arm, shifting his legs up to a kind of foetal position. If Tira really thought he was ill, well... she didn't have to know the origin of his untoward feelings. He shook his head.

 

"It's not a sickness as such... well. Perhaps it could be called so, but... not of the stomach."

"Marron-chan?"

 

"I enjoyed the meringue. I... it is a sickness that isn't an illness. I would not quite wish to explain it... but I thank you for your concern. It's late, though... shouldn't you go back to your bedroom?"

 

"I was thirsty, I got a drink... but... um..."

 

Tira shifted from her crouch into a cross-legged position on the floor, her balance had been beginning to sway. She picked up the glass of water, took a few gulps of it, wiped the edge, and sat the glass in front of Marron's face.

 

"... here. Maybe it'll help?"

 

For a few silent moments, Marron watched the shaking image of Tira's legs through the distortion of the water. He wasn't especially thirsty... but looking up, her expression was still one of concern. Without even knowing the cause of the problem, she would be eager to find a solution... his expression softened. That was the kind of person that Tira was, wasn't it? Somebody willing to help, somebody always wanting to make sure that people were happy...

 

Was that something that came through selfish motivation? There was nothing keeping her in that room. She didn't have to be sat there, offering Marron the glass of water she'd just gone all the way downstairs to get...é she didn't have to have come into the room in the first place. She really would be concerned about people, wouldn't she...? Marron smiled slightly. She really did seem to fit so much more effortlessly into the 'pure' ideal than he did. His justification usually revolved around a singular motivation... he sat up, accepting the water.

 

"Thank you, Tira."

 

She smiled, "It's alright. If it makes you feel even a little better, then it's worth it."

 

Her smile really did seem so happy, Marron couldn't help but notice. Would she have given him the water just to make herself feel happy? Maybe she would have felt selfish if she'd kept it to herself, but then again, it wasn't as if he specifically needed the water... perhaps the happiness was just a by-product of the act that had been performed.

 

After all, was something good because it made people happy, or did it make people happy because it was something good? One of those questions that could never be answered.

 

Having drunk his fill of the water, Marron set the glass back down on the carpet. He glanced down, "Tira... why did you come in here?"

 

"I thought that was obvious! I heard somebody crying, or something... I wondered if there was something wrong, so I thought I'd check. If somebody's sad then it's better when there's somebody to talk to, right?"

 

"You don't need to stay here. I'm sure that once I've had some sleep, I'll feel better... I just needed some time to myself..."

 

"But you still ended up crying..."

 

Marron glanced to the side, feeling just slightly indignant.

 

"I, I wasn't crying! I was..."

"You were crying! Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you should feel ashamed about it! It's okay, everybody feels the need to cry every once in a while. It's best to let it all out, I think."

 

Unsure how to pick up on his sentence, Marron supposed that perhaps it was better if Tira thought he'd been crying. How else was he supposed to explain it? By any sort of argument it was possibly true to say that masturbation was just as valid a release as crying, but the former was a little more embarrassing to talk to somebody about. Especially somebody like Tira. If she wanted to think that, well, she could think that. He didn't want to pervert her thought process with any strange mental images... and it was embarrassing enough that she'd walked in on him in the first place, whether she'd made any kind of connection to his pose and his noises or not... she would immediately assume the best of a situation, wouldn't she?

 

"Ah... mm... perhaps..."

 

She smiled and waved one finger in the air, "Not just 'perhaps'! I know that sometimes when I've been upset about things, sometimes I end up crying about them, and then I feel better afterward... I don't know why, it just happens like that. Does Marron-chan feel better?"

 

He wasn't sure if the description could have been better, but... it was easy to be distracted by Tira, in any case. Distracted, and a little frustrated. Such a nice person... how could somebody easily be so nice? He didn't answer her question except to stare at her. Still so concerned... and still the kind of person who would fulfil such an ideal... what was it that she had that he had somehow lost? Was he forever fated to feel so inadequate? Were there dark feelings that even Tira would feel...? It was easier to be jealous of the Misu sisters when not presented immediately with them.

 

"... You shouldn't stay here."

 

"I want to stay to make sure Marron-chan's alright! You still look a bit puffy... if anything, I think it'd be better to go back to your bed. If you stay warm and in a comfortable place then it should be better, right? Oh, but Carrot's in there, isn't he... um..."

 

"Why should it matter where my brother chooses to sleep..."

 

"I know what you're like, you wouldn't want to wake him up, would you? Though I'm sure he'd be sympathetic if he knew something was wrong..."

 

The way Marron laughed at that caused Tira to stop in her sentence and frown, slightly. Looking down at Marron, who was now facing the floor... his shoulders shook and he laughed, but his laugh was strange... well, it was strange to hear Marron laugh at much at all, but usually he had a much kinder tone... Tira debated shaking Marron's shoulder, but retracted her hand before choosing to do so.

 

"... Marron-... chan?"

 

He looked up, his hair fallen over his face and a strange look in his eyes... Marron's smile was the strangest thing to see.

 

"You would really say that you know me...?"

 

"W-well, I'd know how you'd react about Carrot... you're always so concerned about him, so, it'd make sense that you wouldn't want to disturb him in the middle of the night... but if it was because you felt poorly, that'd be alright...! I know Carrot can be insensitive, but, but... he can also... he can also be kind, too..."

 

"What would you know of my brother's kindness..."

 

"What kind of thing is that to say!?"

 

Marron's stare was steady, now. His amusement seemed to have fallen away, now he seemed to be deathly serious... he'd spoken quietly, but that did seem strange to say. Was he trying to say that Carrot wasn't kind? Tira couldn't accept that, he could be insensitive but then there'd be the times when she just knew that Carrot was a kind and good person... if he could be kind and good more often then that would have been wonderful, but she had a feeling that that would be something that had to be drawn out slowly. And of course, she had designs on being the kind of person to draw out that feeling... however, Carrot's own brother would say he wasn't kind? Either Marron was making some kind of accusation against Carrot, or against Tira herself... on thinking that, she frowned. Marron wasn't somebody who would think malicious things about anybody he was friendly with, was he? All of a sudden he seemed to be questioning anything that she said. His voice remained even as he spoke.

 

"My brother's nature... how far would you know it...? His kindness, how he can sometimes be gentle... vulnerable... what would you know of that...?"

 

"I, I don't think that anybody wouldn't know that! We both know him well, we've both seen how he can be... would... would there be any reason why I wouldn't...!?"

 

Another thought came to mind. It was one thing to assume that Marron had come away to be on his own because he wouldn't want to disturb Carrot... but then again, was it something realistic to assume that perhaps there had been some kind of disagreement between the Glacé brothers? Perhaps Carrot had said something insensitive. Tira knew that often she and Chocolat would have arguments, mostly over petty things, they usually made up quickly in the end, but... if Marron and Carrot were to argue? Tira wasn't sure. What kind of things would they argue about? What kind of things would send Marron away from their shared bedroom? Realising that perhaps she'd hit a nerve (and given Marron's current reaction that could have been altogether possible), her voice became a little more sympathetic.

 

"... Um... did Marron-chan... have a fight with Carrot...?"

 

"A fight?... No, there was nothing like that."

 

Then it came to Tira's realization that she didn't actually know what was wrong; she'd assumed Marron felt ill, he'd alluded somehow to things like that, but what kinds of things would make him ill? He wasn't somebody who got ill very often.

 

"... Then what is wrong...? I, I don't understand..."

 

"Tira... tell me the things you have realized about my brother."

 

That didn't seem to have anything to do with the question, but Tira quickly thought about what it was that he was asking. If he didn't want to answer the question then he shouldn't have to, but surely it would have been more straightforward like that?

 

"Um...? In, in what way...?"

 

"His kindness. His nature. Tell me what you would notice about him. I'd like your opinion."

 

"O-okay... well... he can be perverted and an idiot... we'd all know that... but, um... sometimes he can be kind and gentle, he isn't a horrible person... he seems to want to do good things when it comes to it, and he'll want to punish people if they've been doing bad things... um... maybe he doesn't want to pay attention to important things, but he always seems to do good things in the end... he doesn't let things affect him much. Um, do I mean that... I mean, he... he doesn't get caught up on things...? That is, if there's a clear answer to a problem, he'll argue for that... he... I'm not sure. I can't really describe it, but... he's a good person, I think."

 

"We would notice similar things..."

"Ah...?"

 

"... Would you not say... perhaps... in a way... that my brother is... that my brother is pure...?"

 

That seemed to hark back to old conversations. Tira just blinked, "Pure...? I don't know, he's so perverted, could you really call that kind of mind 'pure'... I thought you kept arguing that I was a pure person ages ago, I don't know what kind of thing you'd call pure if it was somewhere between me and Carrot!"

 

"His perversions are rooted in his interests. To wish to do things expected of him... I don't know if that could be called perverted. He is enthusiastic about such matters... but just to be so singlemindedly attached to one path... is that to be perverted?"

 

"When he's running off after random girls and trying to grab their breasts, I don't know what that'd be if you didn't call that perverted..."

 

Marron's gaze remained steadily fixed on Tira's line of sight; it was a little difficult for her to keep looking at him as he was looking at her, but she didn't exactly want to look away... it just seemed that there was something in his eyes that was a little intense. Well, the whole conversation in itself seemed a bit strange, what with the circumstance and the setting...

 

"And would you call your sister perverted? She acts much the same, though she'll only focus on my brother..."

 

"She's shameless..."

 

"And a pervert?"

 

"... I don't know if I'd exactly call her that! I mean, I'm sure she thinks perverted things..."

 

"Don't you think perverted things?"

 

"Ah?!"

 

He said that just as calmly as he'd said anything else, but Tira couldn't help but be shocked by the question. Again, what sort of question was that...? His eyes belied nothing to his motive. Did she think perverted things? Well, that sort of depended on what you classified perverted as being... of course she thought about sex and such things sometimes, you couldn't help that, but was that really perverted...? Well, sometimes in her thoughts... sometimes Carrot'd say perverted things... and they were things that she imagined him saying, so therefore that had to imply that yes, she would... but on talking about something like that, she couldn't hold Marron's stare.

 

"W-well... s-sometimes..."

 

"I wonder what kind of perverted things you would think about..."

 

The way Marron said that, it didn't sound like a question. Perhaps he did wonder what kind of things she'd think about, but he didn't seem to be asking directly, and for that Tira was glad, because she wasn't sure she really wanted to tell him; she didn't really want to describe anything. Before she could really think on that too deeply, Marron had carried on down another route of thought.

 

"I, also, think perverted things."

 

"Is there anybody that doesn't, though... I, I mean, we'd all think about things like that... anybody's going to think about sexual things...!"

 

"Ahaha... but you wouldn't know the extent of my perversions... I seem to remember you talking of a pure image of me that you held, once. I... something like that amazes me. When Gateau calls me beautiful, when you say you think that I'm pure... those kinds of things... they amuse me. Though, that said... I think Gateau would think twice before calling me beautiful now. He has perhaps realised things just slightly... realised that beauty is not only something that's seen... realized that I am not as beautiful a person as he would originally have said me to be..."

 

"Marron-chan...?!"

 

Marron really was speaking oddly now, his voice almost thick... with what, Tira wasn't sure. The things he was saying... were they things she should really have been listening to? Perhaps he had some kind of illness. Sometimes when people got ill, they thought strange things, said strange things... even if those things were true, Tira didn't quite understand why Marron was telling her them... apart from the fact that she'd just happened to be there... perhaps that was all it was? Would he have said those things to anybody who would have happened by? She felt unsure. Perhaps he was sick. If he was ill, then surely there were medicines around Eden? Perhaps even he wouldn't realise he was ill, but to look at him... his breath was heavy, she couldn't quite see to see what his face looked like, but when she reached out to touch a hand to his forehead, Marron felt like he was burning up. She gasped slightly at that, also that Marron had reached out to place a hand over hers, preventing her from pulling back.

 

"You feel really hot... do you have a temperature? I, I think I have a thermometer in my bedroom... I could take your temperature?"

 

"This isn't anything to do with things like that."

 

Tira did pull her hand away in the end, despite the hold that Marron had had on it.

 

"Then what is it to do with!? You're all hot and you're saying strange things and you've come out here on your own in the middle of the night, how am I supposed to believe that there's nothing that's wrong?! If there's something that's wrong then it's got to be dealt with... you can't push yourself if you feel ill! If there's something really wrong then you should see a doctor, otherwise something bad might happen...! What if you have something really bad? Marron-chan, I don't want you to die!"

 

Another slight laugh, but Tira wasn't amused.

 

"It's not funny!"

 

"My sickness won't kill me, Tira."

 

"Then, then there is something like that?!"

 

Picking himself up, Marron shook his head. On the same level as Tira now, he looked her in the eye once more; she seemed nervous, somehow. Why was she nervous? Was there something about him that was frightening? Perhaps. She'd had a pure image of him, hadn't she? In that frame of mind, Marron had no intention of protecting that sort of projection. She thought he was pure? How terribly, terribly mistaken she was. Such naive innocence... she was the sort of person who would always try to see the best in people. Certainly she seemed to have her own opinions on Carrot, in any case... not too dissimilar from his own thoughts on Carrot. How dare she come to such conclusions...

 

Leaning forward, Marron draped his arms over Tira's shoulders, his head leant over one of them. Pressing against her, against the way she knelt... he was still hard, but he didn't particularly care. Tira wouldn't be able to do anything about that. He couldn't do anything about it either. It was just another part of the body, like a finger or an ear or something... it didn't mean anything. The physical touch could be comforting, couldn't it? Perhaps a hug could dispel her stutter and calm her nerves.

 

"Ma-Marron-chan!?"

 

"My perversion is my sickness. I came here because I wished to dispel certain thoughts... it seems I have been unable. I did not wish to disturb my brother... and oh, how he might have been disturbed, to hear me... to see me... there are some states that should never be seen by others... don't you think? The things we present to other people... the things that we keep to ourselves... sometimes the extent of emotion can be something that's terrifying. It has to remain as something hidden."

 

The realization that Marron had shut himself off in the middle of the night to masturbate finally seemed to definitely click in Tira's mind. That realization formed as a frozen expression on her face, not that Marron himself could see anything. The things he was saying, his temperature, his breathing... of course. Perhaps she hadn't quite wanted to make the connection before, but... he was holding her strongly around her shoulders, and she could feel... something... pressing against her leg... was she supposed to say anything about it? Was there anything she could say about it? She'd caught him, obviously he couldn't continue while she sat there... would he want her to say anything?

 

The things that he said, though... somehow, they seemed all too familiar. Chocolat could be quite outgoing as she was, and as the situation was, Tira was quite sure that half the times Chocolat moaned Carrot's name in her bed, she wasn't quite asleep... she could be shameless like that. Maybe she assumed Tira already asleep. Tira wasn't sure. Tira would never have dared try to touch herself while in the same room as her sister...! Or anybody else, really. Too risky. Not that she ever wanted to be caught anyway, but then there was that one name that remained spoken... being caught would be embarrassing enough, but to have somebody ask why she said Carrot's name... just that thought brought a blush to her face.

 

Not only that. Perhaps the definition of perversion was one that was difficult to determine, but even if it was only to the bathroom to give separation between her and the world, she did seem to be masturbating more often than she used to. Sometimes thoughts would even be spurred by Chocolat's moans, and Tira didn't know what the hell that was... but Chocolat would be so enthusiastic, thinking about Carrot, moaning about the things he'd do to her... it was far too easy to take those thoughts and for Tira to imagine them as her own, to imagine Carrot doing the shameless things that Chocolat imagined, but to Tira herself... maybe those things could have been classified as perverted, but... when alone, when it was only her and her thoughts... when she only had her own fingers to imagine as being Carrot's fingers or other parts of him...

 

"I... I know..."

 

"You do...?"

 

"Mmm..."

 

"What would you know of that..."

 

Again, he didn't quite seem to be asking, but his tone didn't seem malicious, either... perhaps he did genuinely want to know, this time? If anything, Tira felt she should at least be able to assert herself in some way. He had perversions...? So did she. He seemed to think that he was a terrible person for having perversions. No, but to have thoughts and feelings like that... they were normal, weren't they? Well, that depended on just what was being thought, but those things were only private.

 

"I know... what it's like... to need somebody..."

 

"Indeed, that seems to be something that we both share..."

 

"I-... Marron-chan... it's... it's not horrible to think about sex... maybe it's embarrassing, but... it... it doesn't make you a bad person! Everybody thinks about that sort of thing eventually, I think... maybe it is something that has to be kept hidden, until you have somebody to share it with... but... I don't think that... it's bad..."

 

"That would depend on the individual thoughts."

 

"Well... yes..."

 

Moving his head just slightly, Marron found himself with his head leant into the crease of Tira's neck... when he inhaled, there was something that he could sense... her scent, he supposed. Of soap from earlier on in the evening, the even fainter trace of perfume beneath that... to press down further, to feel her soft skin against his nose. His lips. The urge for sensation... lips parted, he ran his tongue up her neck to just below her ear, pressing his teeth just slightly before pulling away enough to whisper.

 

"My thoughts are those which make me terrible."

 

"Ma-... Marron... -chan..."

 

Such soft skin, and such a delicate person. A delicate, kind person. Her faint fragrance... those things were so far away from his ideal, the singular image that burnt into his mind... but they were similar, were they not? They both had knowledge of need, of those kinds of feelings... she knew what it was like to need somebody... Marron wondered just who it would be who Tira would need. Were her fantasies anonymous? Was there somebody in particular that she dreamt of? A curious kind of thought. Just what kind of person would somebody like Tira want... well, that was something a little prying to ask.

 

"My thoughts are-... in them, I... I'm in pain... I would be punished... punished for the terrible things I feel, but oh... such pain... I would relish such pain... for it to be known that I was deviant, for it to be accepted... if I were to be called disgusting, then kissed in that same breath... it would be painful, it would be a punishment... but I would happily be punished every day, if that was what was needed..."

 

The small noise that Tira made following that seemed to indicate that there was something she wanted to say, something she was saying... Marron couldn't quite hear her, and even when he asked her for repetition, her voice was barely even a whisper.

 

"I can't hear you..."

".... I... could..."

 

"Tira?"

 

"... could punish you..."

 

The realization that she could was something quite sudden. She could punish him. More than anybody, she held the skill with the whips and the punishment... she could punish him, if he were to let her. She could call him disgusting, break welts over his back, force him to feel the punishment... but that would require her to know just what it was that made him disgusting. For her to only speak as a ritual, that wouldn't hold the feeling... and if she were to honestly know... god, if anybody were to know... she probably wouldn't even be able to look at him to punish him. Marron closed his eyes, a small smile on his lips.

 

"Don't tempt me."

 

"B-but... if... if it was something that you needed..."

 

She was still so giving, even while thinking over something like that. She'd punish somebody if they needed to be punished, if they wanted to be punished... but to be punished by anybody else... the pain was felt because of Carrot, it was felt for Carrot... and, in Marron's mind, it had to be Carrot's hand that delivered that punishment. Nobody else had the right to be involved...

 

Marron didn't even want to know how far Gateau's anger could reach if he knew. There was always an element of punishment there, somehow... but Gateau never knew the truth... that had angered him, but Marron was quite certain that the actual truth would anger him much more. It was enough to withhold information, to act like that... but when the information itself was something so terrible... well. Given past reactions, perhaps that would be the stone thrown to cause the landslide, but while there could be punishment in one situation, there would be many more to cope with as well. Their life behind closed doors was not the only one that existed, and there were missions and holidays and other such things to cope with too... there was a balance between knowledge and chaos, and Marron felt he was holding that balance. Knowledge was power, but nobody ever said if that was a good power or a bad power...

 

"Perhaps I would feel that that was something needed... but... from you, it... it can't be from just anybody. There... there is somebody..."

 

Feeling suddenly aware of himself, Marron quickly trailed off. It would have been easy to have spoken about how there was one particular person who stirred his emotion, one person he wanted, one person he needed, only one person who Marron would even allow to consider such things... but then, as well as himself, he felt aware of Tira in his arms. She didn't have to know. She wasn't stupid, not by any means - to say that there was one person... from an outside view, even from an inside view, who else might that person have been? Anybody who knew him knew at least parts of the extent of his emotion towards Carrot. Chocolat had been quite amused and interested in the past with the idea of Gateau and Marron having a relationship, but it didn't take much knowledge to realise that he was not the person that Marron spoke of. To say that there was one person would only incur curiosity, and Marron had been dealing with that from various figures in his life for what felt like too long; as far as other people had been curious, Marron wasn't particularly keen with the idea of Tira being curious. For her to know that there was somebody would be enough, and he'd hold his tongue on anything further.

 

To his surprise, Tira didn't seem to want to pry on that issue.

 

"... I... I know that, too..."

 

"Hn?"

 

"... There being somebody... I... I... it can't be just... it has to be a special person... doesn't it...? And... and... I... I know how that is... to want a special person..."

 

"You have a special person...?"

 

The slightest nod, "M-mm..."

 

"I see... I think anybody would be lucky to be considered your special person."

 

"Ma, Marron-chan?"

 

"You would have... gentle feelings, wouldn't you...? To be cared for by you... I would think them lucky. Again, I would have to admire the kind of pure feeling you would have for somebody... you couldn't... there... Tira, there isn't anything that would taint you..."

 

Tira's voice was quiet, "I wish he thought so..."

 

"There is somebody that thinks you tainted?"

 

"No, no... but he... he... he doesn't... he doesn't realise how I feel... he acts stupidly... half the time it's like... like I don't even exist! I want to tell him that... that if he wanted me then, then I could-... if he could look at me and want me, then... then... then he wouldn't have to be stupid anymore... but I don't know what he wants... and sometimes he says kind things to me, does kind things... and in those moments, he makes me so happy... and then I wonder if maybe he realizes... but then he'll be stupid again..."

 

Her voice dropped slightly, "He's so stupid..."

 

How clearly it seemed that those words echoed sentiments that Marron felt, continued to feel. If Carrot realised Marron's feelings, if he realised how much Marron would be willing to give... if he were able to realize all of that, then just what more would he want? Only, it seemed far too clear to Marron just what it was that Carrot wanted. Meaningless relationships, hot women, sex... or at least, that was what it seemed like Carrot wanted. On occasion Carrot would show evidence of wanting things a little more than that, but then again, there were times like the Euran Island mission that showed that what you wanted and what you got were often two very different things. Carrot could say all sorts of sensitive things, but if you left him unattended on a tropical island full of beautiful and horny women just waiting to molest him, then rational thought wasn't something that could be considered.

 

All of that, and it seemed that Tira had similar feelings. Marron couldn't help his curiosity being piqued; it seemed that Tira's feelings were for somebody who didn't appreciate her. That seemed quite sad in itself, Tira was the sort of person who you really wanted to see being happy... and if there was one person who's domination in her mindscape made her sad, then...

 

Marron shifted slightly, moving his head away from Tira's neck, moving so he could face her directly.

 

"... We are... similar..."

 

She just looked up at him, "O-oh..."

 

It was hard to know just what was being expressed in that stare that followed. Marron held the conviction that they were similar, that their feelings really did seem to be the same... who the respective feelings were for didn't have to matter, both were private things for both individuals, but... Tira saw (or had seen) Marron as somebody who was somehow pure, yet he was moved by such terrible feelings... Marron still saw Tira as somebody innocent in that way, yet she would also have such powerful feelings... even somebody like her could be hurt by somebody who didn't seem to realise... they were the same, their feelings were the same. It felt powerful, all of a sudden, to know that just perhaps somebody might understand... never would Marron have considered telling Tira just who his feelings were aimed for, but... looking into her eyes, there was some kind of understanding there. They knew how they felt. The need. The want. The frustration.

 

On an impulse, Marron stroked one hand against her cheek. What was their position implying? Would things... go any further...? Perhaps some new kind of feeling could emerge... and still Carrot's words burnt in Marron's mind, about how Carrot wanted him to have normal relationships... to that kind of social climate, what was more normal than a man having a relationship with a woman? That was the ideal that Carrot always clung to. Tira had the potential to understand him. She was female. That could be seen as normal.

 

Her breathing was louder. As much as he seemed to realise the subtle change in the situation alongside the pitch of their silence, so did she also... looking up at Marron with nervous eyes, just what kind of emotion ran behind those eyes? He could only look down at her. What kind of things did she want? She'd said she'd be willing to punish Marron. She could. She had that kind of power alongside everything else that she possessed... and could not people be driven together by need? They both felt such strong emotion for somebody else. The pain and the loneliness of wanting somebody, of knowing that denied... they did not love each other but certainly they loved, and neither Marron nor Tira could have known just quite how similar their feelings were at that moment...

 

Need was need, no matter who felt it. The need to have somebody, the need to hold somebody... both of them needed, and at that moment, Marron held Tira. Kissed her. There could have been something strange in it, of kissing Tira, somebody he'd known so platonically for so long... she seemed to consistently love him like a brother and he indeed had had some fondness for the girl he'd been brought up with as much as he had fondness for anybody else in his family, but at that moment, past experience and relation didn't quite matter. Whatever had happened in the past, surely something or other had brought them to that point, something had led them to that... Tira was gentle and kind and friendly, her skin was soft, her body was warm. Her eyes had spoken a confusion that her voice seemed unable to, her lips had trembled with that inability... her lips were as warm as her body was, warmer, her mouth opened nervously and on feeling her tongue, Marron felt a rush of feeling. He could taste her. His kiss became a little more passionate, pressing Tira down against the floor.

 

Even if he was unable to feel climax himself... was that something that Tira could afford herself? The need of wanting somebody else... at that moment, Marron felt that Tira could have him. If it brought her some pleasure. If it brought her some comfort.

 

If the warmth of her body and the kindness of her heart could bring he himself some solace...

 

Was that alright...? Looking down at her as he moved brought no confirmation. Still she seemed confused... Marron could feel her chest pressed against his own, her breathing quick. Her head fell to the side, "Marron... -chan..."

 

Anybody who had seen Tira in her dominatrix outfits would have been able to say that her breasts were at least somehow impressive... such outfits were created to constrict, though. To project a frightening image, to instil fear into the subject being dominated... pyjamas were pyjamas and a tiny fabric rose marked a point between Tira's neck and her chest. Marron had been trailing slight kisses from her cheek down to her neck when he met the collar of her clothes... the atmosphere was a heady one. She was so yielding and different to the partners that Marron had had before... Gateau, who obviously had the strength to dominate... Carrot, drugged up and wishing to claim something... Milphey had been yielding in himself, but he-... he was still a man, and Marron couldn't help but think to himself that there was just something different between the two genders... there was certainly something different in this encounter compared to those previous. More than anything at that moment, Marron felt intoxicated by her scent, the taste of her skin, the taste of her kiss...

 

The balance of power was so different... this situation wasn't one so driven as those previously... to be with Gateau had been to deflect feelings of Carrot, to try and feel something despite all that ran against it. To be with Carrot had been... had been... had been to have been so close, but... then unable... to be with Milphey had been to be able to admit things, to have an outlet, to have somebody who would always forgive...

 

All of those situations had been driven by Carrot...

 

Even this situation was perhaps motivated in the same fashion, but... there was no desire to be able to claim Tira in defiance of feelings for Carrot, there was no pretence that perhaps she'd bring him to his denied climax... there was no prior decision, no hidden agenda, nothing that had been planned... there was, however, shared feeling... shared need... they'd known each other for long enough, had been especially comfortable enough with each other of late - was there any reason why they couldn't?... There was nobody who'd decide against something like that...

 

More than anything, Marron couldn't help but feel that Tira was something delicate, something that needed to be handled gently... the way she lay on the carpet, the moonlight from outside fell across her in rectangles, regularly broken by the shadow of the wooden windowframes. Glancing to the side, all that could be seen out of the large windows was the darkness of the sky outside, then the moon... the stars... and back down on the carpet was she, was Tira, one hand clenched and leant against her chest, the other softly holding on to the carpet. They were similar. They understood. There was a comfort from others that couldn't be granted, but a comfort from each other... Marron wondered if it was alright to undress her. This was going in that sort of direction, wasn't it...? Things were happening without spoken consent, but she would gasp softly on feeling a kiss and let out a little cry on different touches... for all the noises she made, none seemed to be in protest.

 

"Um... umnnn..."

 

"Tira..."

 

His hands nudged at the edge of her pyjamas, felt the skin beneath, made to move the purple fabric further... Tira still looked to the side, and didn't move her hand.

 

"... This would have to be removed..."

 

"... Nervous..."

 

"Hn?"

 

"... Embarrassing... for Marron-chan... to see... those..."

 

Marron was quite sure he'd seen both of the Misu sisters naked at some point or another in recent memory or so, but of course, those situations would have been a lot different... getting naked to get changed was just something that had to be done, a stage between two different kinds of clothes... getting naked to be looked at and touched, however... it seemed that such a thing would embarrass Tira. Marron himself felt a tremble deep within - he wasn't sure what that was. Did Tira... excite him like that? He wasn't sure what he felt. He was still hard and his mind still felt hazy... and to claim her would be to take such exquisite warmth... to be able to give himself over to that kind of warmth... to perhaps... dare to lose himself...

 

That seemed such an attractive thought at that moment in time. That always seemed an attractive thought. To be able to lose rational thought. To be able to give himself over to those feelings. To be able to come, oh god, to be able to come... to be able to feel normal things... to be able to be more like Carrot wished him to be...

 

All along, Marron's robe had been loose. He'd only put it on quickly in the first place... perhaps, he thought, it'd give Tira some kind of confidence if he was the one who was naked first. He didn't mind if she saw. For such a situation they didn't even have to be naked, but... in the darkness, like that... in the moon's light... surely there was something more compelling about naked flesh? Pale skin against pale skin... the warmth... Marron knelt back, undoing the knot at his waist and shrugging his robe off of his shoulders. It fell easily, bunching down around Marron's legs. Tira's head was still leant to the side, but she was clearly watching Marron with a hawkish kind of stare.

 

"... Marron-chan..."

 

"See... it's alright..."

 

He did sound genuinely kind as he said that, and Marron's eyes seemed to echo that sentiment... Tira gulped. Earlier on, Marron had been acting so strangely... even now, the situation itself seemed somehow... unreal, almost. To be with Marron-chan like that...? Her blush spread over her cheeks as she dared to glance towards Marron's groin, could see his erection. She'd felt it earlier, pressing against her... it was there... he was hard... that meant he was ready to have sex... ready to have sex? Ready? Was she ready? She wasn't sure. He seemed so relaxed about everything... but why? Was there any reason why any of it was happening? Even moreso, was there any reason why it shouldn't...?

 

Physically, she felt so hot... it was enough to feel aroused, but this was aroused and also expecting... it wouldn't only be her own touch... she shifted her legs, just slightly. Even from that movement, she could feel quite how moist she was between her legs - just that movement made her moan. Her own movement!

 

Carrot...

 

Carrot still shone in her mind... in her mind he reached for her, smiling and laughing and calling her name... but her imagination wasn't reality and she knew all too well his tendencies. He'd call her name as he ran away from her, then going after all the pretty ladies nearby... then to look at Marron, Marron-chan, her adoptive brother, an arguably close friend... he knelt before her, naked. She knew he was attractive, she knew he was pretty, she knew that in any other circumstance surely it would be him she chose were it not for his brother who she just knew she loved, despite not knowing how or perhaps even why... Marron was indeed quite wonderful but Marron was not Carrot, and for that reason alone, there was that kind of doubting tone in Tira's mind... but Marron still stared at her, and his eyes were kind. No matter what he said, he was a kind person, Tira was sure of it! He was kind and he had feelings that were so difficult to bear... he had feelings like that, just as much as she did... if he understood... if she understood...

 

If it wasn't Carrot...

 

"... Marron-chan..."

 

"Yes...?"

 

"If... if I were to wait... for him..."

 

"For him...?"

 

"For the person who I love..."

 

"Yes...?"

 

"... If I were to wait for him... then... how-... how long do you think I'd be waiting...?"

 

Marron's expression softened slightly, "I... couldn't say something like that... to have to wait, even just the waiting in itself... do you think... do you think that merely waiting can bring about any kind of result?"

 

She didn't say anything to that, just looking up at Marron with the kind of expression that made him want to explain.

 

"Can you really attract somebody by standing aside and waiting for them to notice you...?"

 

Tira looked away, "I don't know what else to do..."

 

Leaning forward, Marron gently brushed Tira's hair to the side and stroked the back of his hand against her cheek. Her eyes darted to look up at him, he shook his head.

 

"... I don't know what else to do, either..."

 

"Marron-chan..."

 

Another shared emotion. Somehow that seemed to decide something for Tira, she pushed Marron away momentarily and pulled her pyjama top off herself. Marron could only watch as she showed herself, as she became that bit more naked... her hair fell around her as she pulled herself free, pushing her top to the side somewhere. She couldn't look directly at Marron, leaning back on her arms.

 

"... Um..."

 

Marron just stared at Tira's breasts. Breasts... those were the sorts of things that Carrot was always so excited about, weren't they? As far as bodyparts went, Marron wasn't entirely sure what was quite so thrilling about them... so they could be large, so they were soft and curvy and smooth, so what? Supposing that Tira's action was an invitation for touch, Marron placed one hand over Tira's right breast. He wasn't entirely sure what to do, following that. Squeeze it? Was it something that could or should be squeezed? Stroked, perhaps? He felt the bump of her nipple beneath the palm of his hand. Before he could really continue on in his movements, she'd reached up with both of her hands, looping them behind Marron's neck and shoulders... pulled him closer, pulled him in for a kiss. Marron kissed her, then wrapping his arms around Tira.

 

They remained like that for quite some time, kissing like that. There seemed to be something natural about it, all of a sudden. Being able to kiss freely like that. Tira feeling her breasts pressing against Marron's smooth chest, Marron feeling Tira's soft breasts against him... his mind was swimming. This was primarily what sex was about, wasn't it? This was the sort of thing that Carrot craved to do with women. This was the thing that Carrot wanted to do most, and... here Marron was about to do that, and he was about to do it with one of the Misu sisters. Even they were women, were they not? Tira's kiss became more passionate; she seemed a little less embarrassed now...

 

Even Tira would have a capable sex drive once awoken, would she not? The same, Marron thought, could have been said about him. He seemed somebody that people found it surprising to discover in possession of such a libido... at least previously... and even now, likely nobody would suspect him of such desperation. It was desperation, he was desperate... if it was anybody... if it could be anybody... ideally it would have been Carrot but what in the world was ever ideal? If it couldn't be Carrot then it had to be somebody else, and if it couldn't be Carrot then it may as well have been anybody else...

 

Yet, there was something that felt undeniably good about it all. Something wonderfully desperate about the way she moved, the warmth of her skin against his own... the warmth of her mouth, of her lips, of her tongue... the tiny sensation of her gentle moans... there was a point within her which called for him inside of her in the most primal fashion, and he felt the need to know what that would be like...

 

It had never been something he'd exactly thought of before, but the thought struck him as he lay there on top of Tira like that, still kissing her... for all that talk of punishment... for all of those thoughts... perhaps there was such a kind of punishment in that very basic nature - for quite some time, Marron had thought that perhaps his hurt and pain were deserved, that he'd earnt those terrible feelings for lusting after his brother in the first place... but then, to consider it... to consider his feelings for Carrot, things that had happened with Gateau, with Milphey...

 

Perhaps all those who ever said that the homosexual persuasion was wrong... perhaps there were very real reasons for that? Perhaps the inability to reach climax was some sort of curse placed on Marron's shoulders for pursuing sexual relationships with men. Perhaps there really was some kind of driving force behind reality that didn't like such things. Perhaps it really wasn't Carrot who was the problem, but Marron himself...

 

Perhaps that was what Carrot meant when he spoke about Marron having normal relationships...

 

Marron could feel his erection pressing against Tira's pyjama bottoms. Somewhere beyond that... somewhere beyond those was what he needed... perhaps it'd be possible to prove something, to discover something - perhaps he would reach some kind of climax? He didn't know how he felt about Tira, but he was sure that something could develop if something good really did happen... if she could help deflect the pain, help numb the ache that continued... Marron pulled away from the kiss, his breathing heavy.

 

"Tira, I..."

 

"Marron-chan...?"

 

"... If this is heading toward some kind of conclusion... I..."

 

He moved his hands down her body, making her back arch. He stopped around the waistband of her pyjamas, circling his fingers around her stomach, almost teasing in his movements... Tira seemed unsure again, her chest rising and falling rhythmically...

 

"Uhnn..."

 

The pyjama trousers were pulled slowly down... there was a silence as Marron did so, and for a moment, Tira seemed to be holding her breath... then when she finally let it out again, it almost seemed to be with a cry.

 

"... hnnnhn... hc..."

 

"... Tira?"

 

"... hc... hck..."

 

Marron let the elastic cling back against Tira's hips, "... What's wrong...?"

 

For a few moments she seemed unable to answer... and again she was looking away... she was staring in the opposite direction to the window, but when Marron looked down to her face, he was sure he could see... was she crying? The little noises that she made certainly sounded like she was... but, crying all of a sudden? Had something happened to upset her? Marron wasn't quite sure what he might have done that was wrong all of a sudden, but if there was something he'd done... he felt a little protective, he still felt a little nervous over this delicate sort of girl, he stopped what he was doing and nudged her head back forth to be able to look her in the eye.

 

"... Did I do something wrong, Tira...?"

 

She shook her head, wiping at one eye then the other with one hand.

 

"N-no... nothing that Marron-chan did... just... that's... that's..."

 

"Is it... is it embarrassing...?"

 

Her voice quietened once more, "It's... somewhere that I... I want only one person to be able to look at..."

 

"That person you love?"

 

A nod, "Mmn... I always... it's always he who I think of... whenever I... you know... and... maybe that's embarrassing too, but... I... hc... because it's him... even the things I imagine him doing... even if they're embarrassing... because it's him, I... hck... I don't mind... but... I... I'm confused... I... it's... it's not that... hck... not that I don't... don't want to... I-... I mean... I like Marron-chan, I like Marron-chan a lot... but I... I... I always thought... hck... I always wanted... hc... I wanted to save myself... even if it... even if it takes a long time... hck... even if... even if I have to wait forever... hc... I'll wait... hc... because it's him..."

 

That only made Marron feel worse. Tira's ideals, though perhaps muddled by her speech somewhat, were obviously ones that she clung to. Of course, what a pure sort of aim... to be able to save yourself for the person you loved... how admirable. Marron just stared at Tira, who was occupied with wiping her eyes still. For him to have been able to do something like that... to be able to save himself for Carrot... it was all very well enough to consider saving himself, but there was never any guarantee of satisfaction in the end. The situation was too strange, the feelings were too condemned, for Carrot even to know would have been bad enough before anything else even had the chance of happening...

 

Yet still there was always just that tiny hope... the need for soft touches and gentle actions. The hope that perhaps one day Carrot might indeed realise, might feel something similar, might respond in kind... that hope seemed something damning in itself, Marron couldn't help but to hope, but to hope was an exercise in desperation... was it worth hoping for something unrealistic? How realistic could his thoughts have been considered to be?

 

Tira would also cling to such hopes. Still she stared to the side, still hiccoughing softly. She would be so moved by her emotions... so moved by her hope... Marron's expression softened, he wiped his thumb over one tearstained cheek.

 

"You would... wish to remain pure for him... wouldn't you...?"

 

She nodded without looking up, "... Mmmn..."

 

Marron pushed himself up a little, leaning up with his two hands on either side of Tira's shoulders. She still looked to the side, he still looked down at her... there didn't seem to be any point. As much as she had frustrations and needs, she also seemed to retain her principles - no matter what the frustration, likely she thought she'd be entirely rewarded once her feelings were requited. Marron had mixed feelings on that; above all, he couldn't help but admire that kind of determined single-minded view. Tira had somebody she loved, she obviously wasn't willing to let anybody compromise that, wasn't going to let anybody risk that. She had that determination, she obviously had that kind of hope... she obviously had some kind of view that her determination would eventually lead to some kind of result. That was the point that Marron was less convinced on; Tira loved somebody deeply, but who said that that person would ever return her feelings? You could never be sure, and when it came to Marron's own feelings, he only felt more unsure with each passing day... but then again, he was not so innocent and pure with his feelings. He knew what he wanted. He knew how he wanted it. He knew it was wrong. Still he wanted it. Tira... Tira wouldn't feel anything like that, she couldn't feel anything like that.

 

Not unless her passions were directed towards Chocolat, or something. Marron wrinkled his nose to himself, something like that was unlikely, or at least, he assumed it so. Thinking about it, he wasn't quite sure just who Tira would aim her affections at - what kind of person was her sort of person?

 

It was something curious but something Marron felt he shouldn't ask. He certainly knew how annoying it'd been to have people always pry in on his business... and after all, there was no guarantee that it was even somebody Marron knew. The Misu sisters went out to the city a lot, most days if they had the chance... maybe there was somebody they knew, somebody Tira knew? It wasn't impossible. Marron was less sociable and less likely to make long-standing friends outside of his constant sphere of influence, but... Tira was friendly and kind and likeable, there could have been any amount of people that she knew, let alone that she might like.

 

"... Then, I can't infringe on your personal feelings. My needs can be... they can become desperate to the point of being indiscriminate. I... I wouldn't wish to hurt you through my own selfish desires."

 

"... Marron-chan has similar feelings to me... right?"

 

"So it'd seem."

 

"... If there's one person... for Marron-chan... is it that... that there's only one person that you want...?"

 

"That's a forward question to ask..."

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

A silence, but no form of denial for Tira's question. Yes, that was true, Marron wasn't going to deny it. For a few moments, he wondered if she was going to ask the very question he'd decided against, but when she spoke, it wasn't about that at all. She still didn't look up at him, and her voice sounded... dreamy, somewhat. Perhaps she was getting tired, Marron wouldn't have been surprised if she had. It was late, even he was just a little tired... for somebody who had just woken up to get a glass of water, well, it was probably a little tough to have to stay up for longer.

 

"... It must be a wonderful person that Marron-chan wants..."

 

"Tira...?"

 

"I can't imagine what a person like that would be... Marron-chan is wonderful himself... so... it would... have to be somebody that you admired, wouldn't it? Somebody who was brilliant... but when I think about the things that Marron-chan does or likes, I can't think of anybody who's better at them than Marron-chan... so... it's a little surprising... I'd like to meet that person one day... Marron-chan's special person..."

 

Marron didn't dare tell Tira that she knew the person in question already. He just smiled gently, "... He is somebody that I admire, yes... somebody I admired, somebody I continue to admire. I... the things that he does... I don't think that it's a question of being better in any area than anybody else, but he-... he is so different to how I am. It is... perhaps somewhat selfish to wish to have him for my own, yet... yet I cannot argue with what I feel, no matter how much it pains me. Even if it's wrong, even if it's selfish... I... would also hold the conviction that perhaps, one day, he might accept me."

 

Tira glanced in Marron's direction. Her expression was sympathetic.

 

"Is it really selfish to want somebody..."

 

"When you want them to the exclusion of all others... when you want them for your very own, not for anybody else... he is everything to me. He is everything, and to think that any part of him could belong to somebody else... I would be anything to him, but I don't think... I don't think I can be enough for him... and it hurts, for he is more than enough for me, if I were to have him then I would have need for nothing in this world!... There... therefore... I think, I am selfish... I..."

 

He glanced away.

 

"I'm sorry. I spoke suddenly."

 

A little surprisingly, this time Tira was the one to reach up and touch Marron's cheek.

 

"It's alright to talk like that... Marron-chan's always so quiet, but it's refreshing to see what kind of feelings he might actually have for people. It... it might be expected by now... but I... if I could be everything to the person that I like... maybe if he could look at me seriously then he wouldn't need anybody else, right? I don't know, but that... that's what I hope for. I want to be able to be somebody who can satisfy him... no matter how he wanted to be satisfied, I, I would want to be everything for him... so..."

 

"Why is it that we can tell each other these things so easily, yet we cannot speak to the people who we would direct our feelings towards..."

 

"Maybe it'd be better if we could be straightforward, couldn't it? But, to be straightforward... it's okay to talk about it like this, but to talk straightforwardly to him... if we could say something so easily then he could so easily just refuse..."

 

"It's the hope that keeps the feeling alive, isn't it..."

 

Another silence, and the two kept a glance until Tira's arms around Marron's shoulders pulling him down caused the stare to be broken. There was no reason to stay up in that position, Marron allowed himself to be taken into Tira's soft embrace. She was somebody who he couldn't have... but that wasn't especially a bad thing, since he didn't particularly want her in that fashion anyway. However, in other ways... perhaps she could be a kind of confidante in the ways that other people couldn't be. Somebody with such similar feelings... somebody who could really sympathize... somebody who would be able to know exactly the pain, exactly the feeling... even if there wasn't anything they could do about their situations, they at least could know that the other was going through the same kind of situation...

 

There was something very comforting about that. Marron closed his eyes, head leant against Tira's chest.

 

"Marron-chan..."

 

"Mm?"

 

"... Does Carrot know about how you feel?"

 

He opened his eyes again, "... about... how I feel...?"

 

"Mmm... when you said about that person who meant everything to you... I can't help but think about how you care so much about Carrot, about how much you try to protect him... it's a little amazing that Marron-chan would be so dedicated to Carrot while balancing feelings for somebody else... but, it's a different kind of love, isn't it? Wanting to protect your brother, wanting somebody for yourself... ahaha, I just wondered how Carrot might think of it. Maybe he'd be surprised..."

 

"My brother knows very little of what I feel."

 

"Oh... don't you talk to him much?"

 

"There is little I feel I can say to him."

 

"I suppose it'd be a little difficult to talk to Carrot like that... but, you know him better than I do, you spend so much more time with him than I do, you- you-... hc..."

 

On feeling the certain jump of Tira's chest, Marron shifted to be able to look at Tira again. Was that a sob? Was she crying again? Had something upset her suddenly...? He frowned, not quite understanding Tira's feelings.

 

"... What's wrong?"

 

"... You... hc... share the same bedroom as him... hc... get to protect him so much... he doesn't... hc... mind if you're doing or saying things to him... hc... because you're brothers... hc... you know more about him than me... hc... you get to know more about him than me... hc..."

 

"Tira?"

 

For a few moments, Tira couldn't quite speak. When she did look up at Marron again, tears ran down her cheeks.

 

"You talk about being selfish but I'm selfish too! I, I, I'm even jealous of people who aren't even involved... I even get jealous of people who are wonderful like Marron-chan! Marron-chan, I love you but I also-... I-... I'm jealous of you-...!"

 

"Jealous... of me...?"

 

"I, I don't want to be jealous of you! I... I... even if Marron-chan hated me, I could understand... because it's unreasonable... it's terrible... Marron-chan's so brilliant, but I, I still even feel resentful sometimes...!"

 

"Why... why would you be resentful, Tira...?"

 

"... Carrot loves you, doesn't he?"

 

"Well, as a brother, but..."

 

"That's why."

 

Marron had been in the middle of speaking as Tira had said her piece, and those two words were enough to stop Marron altogether. It wasn't as if he perhaps hadn't suspected - after all, Tira could get quite protective over Carrot, especially when it came to matters in battle, or matters that involved Chocolat... one could have seen it just as somebody who wanted to curb another's perverted tendencies, though if that was Carrot or Chocolat it could be difficult to tell... but then again, to think about it... to be so possessive, to be so determined in battle, to be so determined over all to change that one person's behaviour... why would somebody want to do things like that? Why would Tira be so enthusiastic over Carrot's behaviour?

 

'Because she loves him' had been a thought that had only very occasionally visited Marron's mind. As far as she seemed to think that Marron would want a wonderful person, Marron could only see that Tira would at least want somebody who was a little like her... somebody who was sensitive and kind, somebody who could treat her nicely - when it came to those thoughts compared against Carrot, it seemed almost ridiculous. Carrot could indeed be kind and gentle if and when he wanted to be, but those times could sometimes be quite far apart, and to think of somebody who was generally brash and idiotic with Tira... it didn't seem to work. Why would Tira want somebody who'd potentially hurt and annoy her so much as Carrot...?

 

The same question, Marron realised, could have been asked of himself. Out of all of the people in the world, why was it that he had to have chosen his brother to fixate on? Surely he realised that no good could come out of such a decision... and indeed, he did. That didn't prevent or change his feelings.

 

As much as he and Tira had been similar before, with a terrible tight feeling of dread in his chest, Marron knew that he and Tira only continued to be amazingly similar. Their feelings were similar. The things they wanted. The things they felt. The irrational resentment. The terrible frustrations. Their feelings were so similar that, in the end, it seemed that it was even the same person that they both wished to possess. Logically, Marron was surprised he hadn't predicted such an outcome from Tira's previous thoughts and feelings... perhaps he'd been denying it to himself. Out of everybody that Tira's wonderful pure feelings could have been for... out of everybody... did it have to be Carrot? The one person that Marron himself wanted, needed...?

 

As much as he wanted and needed Carrot... was that as much as Tira needed and wanted him also...? That feeling caused a kind of anger to build within Marron's body. No! It'd always been there in his mind, nobody could love Carrot as much as he did, nobody could wish for Carrot's comfort as much as he did, nobody else could be so entirely devoted to Carrot as he was...!

 

And yet, there didn't seem to be any way that Tira's feelings could be denied. It was Carrot who she loved, almost certainly.

 

"... Tira..."

 

She didn't say anything.

 

"... Tira, it... it's... it's my brother... that you love... isn't it...?"

 

When she did speak, her voice was so quiet it could barely be heard, "... Marron-chan... guessed..."

 

A pure kind of love. Tira's gentle feelings. Tira's determination. The way that Carrot could be kind and gentle, sometimes. The way that, despite all of Carrot's perversions, he could still seem innocent, somehow. Her kind feelings. His kind feelings. The purity. The innocence. The knowledge of want, the knowledge of need... the innate quality of Carrot that drew people to him no matter what their motivation. Indeed, what was it about Carrot that drew so many people to him? Tira loved him. Chocolat loved him. Gateau... would probably have died before admitting that he loved Carrot (that said, there was that time in the past when Gateau had died, so anything was arguably possible), but indeed seemed to have at least some kind of fondness for him no matter how many times he insulted him... they were all driven to love, all driven to protect. Carrot was loved and Carrot was powerful - with the power of Hakaishin within him, there were more forces working against them all than mere attraction. He was special and he had the potential to destroy everything. He was important. Even Big Mama and her Haz Knights would work to protect him. That didn't explain the more pedestrian view. Why did so many people love Carrot? Just what was it about him that drew everybody to him so faithfully?

 

To question that was for Marron to question his very existence. He didn't know. The love couldn't be questioned, it just was.

 

Was that also what Tira felt? Was it also a love that couldn't be explained...?

 

"... So many people are driven to my brother in that fashion..."

 

"Even Marron-chan would love him in a way, though..."

 

"Tira..."

 

"... mm...?"

 

"... What is it that makes my brother so... why... why is it that he is so wanted...?"

 

Tira could only shake her head, "I-... I couldn't answer a question like that... but I-... all I know is that I love him... and even though oneesama does as well, I... hc... I... I don't know... sometimes I don't know if I can take her feelings seriously, and... and... sometimes I really want to hate her... because she... hck... loves him... and she doesn't mind jumping on him... getting naked in front of him... it's always all about the sex things... wanting sex from him... hc... going on about how much she loves him... hc... is it... can it... hc... can it really be like that if she only wants to have sex with him?... hc... But I... hc... if... hc... if she loves him... hc... and I love him too... hc... what can we... hc... what can we... what can we do about it...? Carrot can... hc... if he were to have to choose... hc... I don't know... I don't know what I'd want to happen... hc... I don't want him to choose oneesama... hc... but... but... but I don't want him to hurt her either... hc... but if she's only... if she's only after him like how she's always on about... hc... I... hc... I don't know if I can believe that she feels as much for him as I do... hc... so... hc..."

 

After a while Tira seemed to devolve into incoherent sobs, and Marron hadn't particularly been paying attention to that which she'd been saying in the first place. For Tira to love Carrot... for Chocolat to love Carrot... his own love for Carrot... each love was different, was it not? Tira's generally silent love... Chocolat's blatant and apparently physically-driven love... his own love, driven by devotion and loyalty and obsession... his love that could be so easily discounted for the fraternal relationship they held... for the Misu sisters - both of the Misu sisters - to love Carrot... was that not more 'serious'? If Carrot were to know... if Carrot were to know that Tira loved him, and loved him so seriously... how would that change things?

 

Carrot already knew (as did anybody) that Chocolat loved him, would willingly have sex with him, all of that. Carrot seemed generally reluctant to take her up on that, as Marron remembered from more serious moments, because Carrot couldn't gauge just what kind of effect it would have. Certainly it'd change things, but how and why seemed to be things that Carrot couldn't work out. Much as he'd insisted on how Marron and Gateau's disagreements could affect things... perhaps Carrot really was contented with the situation as it was.

 

Tira was in love with him.

 

If Carrot were to know that... Marron didn't really know, offhand, how Carrot felt about Tira. Obviously he was as fond of her as he was anybody else, but... for her love to exist in the first place made it such a quiet and secret thing, and why should somebody have kept something like that secret in the first place? If Carrot were to know of Tira's feelings then perhaps he really would seriously consider her... of course, there was that primary argument of just how choosing between the Misu sisters would affect everything, especially given that they both had strong feelings for Carrot... things would change most definitely, but beyond the group itself, how would Carrot change? Marron was all too aware of his own opinion of Tira, of how delicate and gentle and fragile she seemed to be... she could also be powerful and, well, a dominatrix, but when it came to her feelings... emotions could be a powerful thing and for her they seemed so delicate, somebody who she loved so much, with such determination... she loved Carrot... and what kind of opinion had he of her? She could scare him sometimes, but then... surely... there were other things that he thought of her...? Perhaps he saw somebody like her beyond his reach. Someone like her would never like somebody like him, would she? Would he be surprised if he knew?

 

Would he also have the desire to wish to protect her? Before he'd known of the object of Tira's feelings, Marron had felt things like that. Wanted to protect her somehow. Sympathize with her. Be able to comfort her. Would Carrot feel similar things? How much of his feelings would be swayed through knowing that Tira felt that way because of him? Marron tried to adjust the situation in his mind. If Tira had said suddenly that it was he himself that she had feelings for... even with Carrot taken into account, surely his behaviour would have had to have been adjusted somehow? If Tira had had feelings for him, then... surely he would have been moved somehow... would have wished to answer her... would still have wanted to comfort her, but more...

 

How dangerous the situation suddenly seemed. If Tira were ever to confess her feelings for Carrot, then just how would Carrot react? If he knew how deeply feelings ran for him... if Carrot ever knew how deeply Tira seemed to feel for him... even he would have to realize, wouldn't he? He wasn't the sort of person who would ignore something like that. If he knew... if he realized...

 

If his feelings ran to the same kind of conclusion in any way at all...

 

Marron kept his tone of voice level as he spoke, "And... you haven't spoken to your sister about this at all...?"

 

Tira shook her head quickly, "N-no, no! I haven't... I've never mentioned any of it to her..."

 

"Don't you think that perhaps she might be sympathetic?"

 

"... You know how much she loves Carrot... I'm scared that if she knew, she... she might... she might be angry... she might say something or other to Carrot... she... she... I... she might try to turn him against me... or something..."

 

"Would your own sister really do something like that...?"

 

"... I'm scared in case she would..."

 

Marron himself found it somewhat hard to picture Chocolat being quite so vindictive. Chocolat indeed loved Carrot quite fiercely, but surely if she knew of Tira's gentle feelings then surely she'd be kind about things? Perhaps she would be surprised... perhaps she'd even be shocked, but surely Tira's fears of her being so angry and spiteful were unwarranted? Marron wondered just what kind of relationship the Misu sisters had, in any case. Essentially they were sisters and as far as that went they did seem to love each other, but then as well as being sisters, even if Tira was the only one aware of it, surely they were also rivals...? Marron couldn't imagine something like that upon himself. If he and Carrot were rivals for something as well as being brothers... that seemed difficult even if only for the reason that Marron couldn't picture himself wanting anything more than he wanted his brother. No rivalry could compete with that... if there was a rivalry, then Carrot could win it. Marron didn't care. As long as Carrot was happy.

 

Then, with cases like this, with the Misu sisters being involved... just what would make Carrot happy...? In a way, the qualities of womanhood were spread across the Misu sisters. Chocolat was sexy and confident and outgoing, Tira was shy and demure and gentle and kind... dominatrix forms notwithstanding, there surely was little more that Carrot could ask for from a woman? What more would he want!? The only thing that stopped him from making some kind of decision seemed to be the problems that would be attached to such a decision...

 

Strictly, in that situation, there was no place for the brother. Romance, relationships... such people surely weren't important? Or at least, they weren't involved... and were there such a situation... how much would Carrot want Marron involved...? Marron felt horribly tense even considering it all. Did he even have the potential to hold any significant place in his brother's heart beyond that which he already held?

 

That which Tira was jealous of him for...

 

"I wouldn't think she'd act in such a way..."

 

"I... I don't want to risk it..."

 

Lifting himself up, Marron leant up on his two hands. He found his robe and pulled it back on over his shoulders, looking down at Tira, who still glanced up at him... she really did seem quite vulnerable at that second, lying there like that, her eyes shining with tears in the moonlight... he knew such a hidden secret, now. What other secrets might Tira have held? Marron didn't care. Unless any others happened to be involved with his brother, Marron didn't care.

 

She was saving herself for Carrot. She was loyal to Carrot. Dedicated to Carrot. No, but she found his behaviour so frustrating...! She was always beating him up, punishing him for his behaviour...! If she really loved him... as she did seem to... if she really wanted so much of Carrot's personality to change, if she was so hell-bent on changing him... how much of him could it have been argued that she loved?

 

Not that Marron would have complained had Carrot's girlchasing habits stopped, but he wasn't the one who would try to tame and control Carrot at the end of a whip. She only did it because she loved him... because she really loved him...

 

The urge was strong to coerce her. She had been embarrassed at the thought of Marron seeing things and places that she, presumably, only wanted Carrot to see and touch... all of her thoughts and feelings were for Carrot. You didn't always get what you wanted. If he could convince her with sweet words and gentle touches... you didn't have to see something to be able to touch it, and Marron found his fingers considering the waistband of Tira's pyjama bottoms before he quite realised what it was he was doing, what kind of thing he was considering. His thoughts seemed so jumbled in his mind... the fact that it was Carrot who Tira loved was still shocking to his mind, as much as he couldn't quite believe that that was true, he didn't want to believe that that was true!

 

He'd always thought her innocent and pure. She still seemed so, her love still seemed so terribly straightforward compared to his own... she was pure and innocent and vulnerable, there in the moonlight... people didn't have to remain so. Innocence could be broken. Purity could be taken. People who were vulnerable could be taken advantage of, tender thoughts of first love could be turned to malice and bitter memory... she lay beneath him. She still looked up at him. Her breathing was still quick, a tearful hint still remained. Neither said anything. All it would take would be a sudden movement... a whispered word...

 

Magic could be used to bind...

 

A triumphant mental image cropped up before Marron could stop it, and on realizing the train of thought his ideas had been travelling on, Marron quickly pushed himself away from Tira, away from the floor, up to a standing position. He couldn't be trusted to remain so close to her. He couldn't be trusted to remain in the same room as Tira. He was consciously aware of the fact that, at that moment in time, he couldn't trust himself with anything. To be rational, to be gentle, to not do unforgivable things... he stood with his back towards Tira.

 

"Tira, please..."

 

"Ma, Marron-chan...?"

 

"Please leave."

 

"Marron-chan?"

 

Marron looked over his shoulder, his eyes vicious and his tone harsh all of a sudden, "Do I HAVE to repeat myself?!"

 

Tira quickly scrabbled herself into a standing position, reaching to grab her pyjama top as she did so. The look in Marron's eyes had been quite scary... she pulled her top on over her head, "Marron-chan...? Marron-chan, why are you-"

 

"Please, Tira. I... I am not a person you should trust with such secrets. I am not a person you should trust yourself with."

 

Despite the pulling of rational thought, Tira approached Marron and placed her hand on his shoulder.

 

"But, Marron-chan... we've known each other since childhood! Don't you think... don't you think we should be able to trust each other? I've only ever been able to look up to Marron-chan, I... I could only ever look up to you and admire you! Even if you spend so much time closely with Carrot, I... I... perhaps I shouldn't have said that I get jealous... because maybe sometimes I do, but that... I... I could never hate Marron-chan for it! You can't help being Carrot's brother, can you?"

 

Marron brushed Tira's hand away roughly, turning his back on her again. No, he couldn't help being Carrot's brother, as much of a blessing and a curse as that was. How could Tira remain so kind? Red mist had risen in Marron's eyes, and all he could think of was that Tira had to leave the room, she had to go... he didn't want to stay in the same room as she was. If he had to, then he wished her to know of his anger, and even in that mood he was reluctant for things to carry on so far...

 

"I won't say it again. I wish for you to leave. I want to be alone."

 

"So suddenly...? Is it alright to be alone?"

 

"For us to be alone is better than for us to be alone together."

 

"Marron-chan?"

 

Leaning against the closest waist-high bookshelf, Marron's nails scraped audibly against the wooden top.

 

"Leave, Tira."

 

"I, I'm still worried about you... you're still acting strangely... if there's something that really is so badly wrong, I, I..."

 

Marron turned around, "Tira. There are some things that it is always better for people not to know. There are things hidden within the human heart that should never be broadcast. Urges that people should never act upon. I am perfectly serious when I say to you, I am not a nice person. If you believe that of me then I commend you, and if that miscalculation comes from ignorance, I can only relax to know that nobody can know me as well as I know myself. I know myself better than anybody else can know me, Tira - I know the things that I want, I know what drives me, I know what parts of me are flawed and I know the overbearing treachery of hope battling hopelessness within my own mind, within my heart. There is something wrong with me. There are many things wrong with me. Those things cannot be helped, nor can you help me with them."

 

He closed his eyes, "To control my anger is a task that requires quite some mental strength. I am not in the best frame of mind. The night can bring on many emotions that one would not reveal otherwise - I do not wish to scare you. My lips speak something that may be false. I could be lying. I may wish to scare you. I might wish to hurt you. Would that not scare you?"

 

"Ma-... Marron-chan..."

 

Marron opened his eyes slowly, a slight and strange smile ghosting across his lips as he spoke. "Does this scare you, Tira? If mere words are frightening enough, then imagine the terror of any action that I may unleash in my anger..."

 

Tira only seemed capable of staring up at Marron, wide-eyed and confused. There was a slight pause as he trailed off; his strange smile didn't change as her expression flickered in confusion... perhaps it may even have deepened. She was confused? Marron wanted to confuse her. Wanted to be able to do something to her. The confusion of knowing that not everything could be straightforward... he didn't want her to be complacent. As he stared at her, all he could feel in his mind was an annoyed sense of betrayal, almost. What had given Tira the right to have such feelings...? Why was it that she also had to love Carrot? What was it about Carrot that made her love him, why?

 

Not that she didn't have the right to feel like that. Anybody had the freedom to feel whatever they wanted, surely? Yet, still... how long might she have felt like that for? What kind of relationship would she have hoped for from Carrot? How long had she been waiting for Carrot to accept her, how long might she be willing to weight?

 

The possibility that her feelings might ever be requited burnt in Marron's mind. Her path seemed so straightforward. If she were to confess, then her feelings could be so easily requited... her pain could be justified by the ending which she could afford from it. She wouldn't have to worry about the unpleasant feelings, because soon those could be replaced by happiness and light.

 

What was the deepest urge that she felt?

 

What was the depth of her pain?

 

If her love was so pure, then how complicated was it? Was it very complicated? Was it not complicated at all? What kind of thing was it to be complicated or not in the first place...? Marron knew he was thinking about things far too quickly, but... what kind of love would she afford Carrot? Would she gain equal happiness through knowing that she belonged to Carrot or that Carrot belonged to her?

 

Such a thought was an irritating one. That was the nature of such things, was it not? She loved Carrot. She wanted him for herself. The same was similar of Chocolat. Their feelings were for Carrot, they wanted Carrot so badly... they wanted him, and were they ever to get him, they would likely have only been able to feel victory for their conquest. Were Marron's own feelings selfish? He didn't feel he could really compare those various feelings. If Carrot were ever to accept him, then of course there would have been the joy of knowing that he belonged to Carrot... it was hard to think of Carrot as an object which somebody could say 'he belongs to me' about, but if it were like that... Marron's own feelings were selfish too, weren't they...? His fists clenched. No, but... no matter what Carrot wanted... if it was platonic, if it was sexual... if it was angry, if it was friendly... no matter what the relationship, as long as it made Carrot happy... there would have been that selfish emotion from knowing it had been he that had made Carrot happy, but even if it wasn't like that... however it was... as long as Carrot could smile... as long as he was happy, that was all that mattered, wasn't it...? The thought was a heady one. Carrot's total happiness. Could anybody grant him that? Was that even something possible?

 

Would she be able to grant Carrot anything like that? How concerned about her own pleasure and happiness would she be? Would her happiness be a by-product of Carrot's own happiness, or something she'd purposefully made him give her? He could probably make her happy, but was there any reason why Carrot should have to have been made to do anything?

 

"Marron... -chan...?"

 

Marron was brought back to the more immediate surroundings by Tira's quiet whisper. He brought his glare back down to her eye level, his smile had vanished. What would she ask of Carrot? What would she wish to take from him? How much would she be willing to give him in comparison to what she would want to take? Anything less than the entire was not enough, Marron felt. Could she really give him as much as Marron felt Carrot needed? Marron couldn't help but be sceptical, and his voice was similar.

 

"What is it?"

 

"Why are you... angry...?"

 

That was something that couldn't be explained. What was better, to try to broach the subject as one of conversation, or just to keep it a secret? Despite all of the emotions that felt suddenly trapped within Marron's body, he knew that he couldn't tell Tira of what he felt. To speak of any of those things... to question her worth as a potential partner for Carrot... why would he be so insistent on questioning her? She would probably be suspicious. Even if the emotion was only taken at face value, the younger brother being jealous of somebody wishing to take away the older brother in the plainest sense... was that not just petty and annoying?

 

The relationship between male and female was, after all, part of that adult sort of mindframe, wasn't it? How natural it was. The normality of it. The love of a brother would seem only clingy and childish in comparison.

 

Why would something like that even seem childish in the first place?! What made the former emotion more valid than the latter!? Marron's eyes narrowed, "My anger... that is something that I believe you are better off not knowing, Tira. Still you stand in front of me. Would you wish to grant me some kind of redemption? Would you wish to diffuse me of my anger? Cleanse me of my sins? What authority might you hold to be able to make any such decision?!"

 

Something seemed to catch Tira's attention more slightly than Marron's anger, "... Sins...?"

 

Such a delightful rush to be able to talk of something like that with such flippancy. Marron's slight smile returned, "I do not... have the chance to sin... as much as I would like."

 

Tira felt as if she couldn't understand anything happening in that room at that moment. There was something in Marron's voice, he sounded far too pleased with himself as he spoke... a sin was something that was terrible, wasn't it? How could Marron talk so excitedly about sins...! Then, to act so strangely... to say such things...! None of it seemed like how Marron would normally behave, not to Tira. She'd known Marron for so much of her life, and while he'd always seemed quiet and reserved so nobody ever knew just what he was thinking or feeling, never had he behaved like this before! Never had he said such things as those...! He would wish to scare her? What kind of line was that to say? Yes, Marron had the potential to be scary, but Tira didn't always wish to play the part of the scared... that line seemed to make Tira's decision for her. Her expression steeled, "I can't accept to hear you saying something like that, Marron!"

 

There was a swish as Tira quickly pulled her pyjamas away, that one movement revealing her to stand there in front of Marron in her dominatrix garb. He raised his eyebrow.

 

"So you would indeed wish to punish me...?"

 

"I can't believe that this is the same person I've known for so long! The Marron I know... the Marron I know is not like this at all!"

 

She really did seem quite determined, didn't she? How she could change so quickly... Marron didn't pretend to think he could even try to understand the kinds of things that would make her personality and body switch so fiercely. This was not a Tira who would lie down and let anything happen to her... this was a Tira that would force in her own right. A Tira who was powerful, who was strong, who would take anything to the keen edge of her whip if she so felt it.

 

The mere existence of such a Tira only angered Marron further. That form only seemed to manifest for battle, did it not? That was acceptable. Battle and the punishment of Carrot. That was less so. Marron had been able to accept the punishment on the pretext that often Carrot did deserve it just a little, the Misu sisters essentially wanted to curb Carrot's annoying behaviour (as well as weaken his beast form, in which anything could be that bit more understandable) and essentially did it because they cared for him, strange as a manifest of emotion as that was. The behaviour of the Misu sisters was that of the Misu sisters, it was hard to explain but somehow easy to accept. Marron knew that he would never wish to hurt or punish Carrot in such a way, so if other people had to express that kind of emotion for him, he could accept it. Even he would be annoyed at Carrot's unceasing behaviour if he was in the mood for shirking his duty.

 

The situations were different, though. For the Misu sisters to wish to tame Carrot... even if Carrot got hurt, he could always be healed, couldn't he? Marron was more than willing to provide that kind of comfort. It was something strange that they had all got used to, even Carrot himself... the ritual punishment was just something that the Misu sisters did. It was something long past questioning.

 

If Tira were to have her feelings requited, would that be the final wave goodbye to this Tira? Aside from battle, would she ever wish to change to her more ruthless kind of self?

 

Would she use it as an excuse to tame Carrot within the context of a relationship? That was something that Marron felt less comfortable about accepting.

 

By the time of a relationship, presumably something would have changed within Carrot to make him more accepting towards his partner. Likely he would find it within his own self to tone down his behaviour - Carrot was not a naturally malicious person and Marron felt that he wouldn't make it his mission in life to antagonize somebody he was romantically involved with. Indeed, did not most of his frustrations come from the lack of romantic... or at least of sexual attachment? The two were hopefully linked. To be in a relationship was to face a totally different position of knowing somebody, surely there had to be a process of learning and perhaps compromise in some areas... Marron knew that that was where he had fallen short of Gateau's expectations, he just hadn't been able to compromise on his ideals.

 

Would Tira have worked sensibly with Carrot to gently iron out his flaws and cultivate his behaviour into one more suitable for a relationship? Marron knew Carrot would likely try his hardest. Would Tira just sigh if he happened to slip back into bad habits, or would her anger flare and her whip crack before anybody could say anything...?

 

For somebody who professed to love Carrot so to be able to so easily cause him such pain... that angered Marron with a lot more force than it had ever done so previously. Before, it had been acceptable just because it was the Misu sisters. The Misu sisters were the Misu sisters were a little strange, as were they all. Yet now that there was a different perspective, that seemed harder to be able to justify... and there in that room, Tira stood before Marron holding her whip, her brown furrowed in confusion and determination. All quite impressive, but what could she really hope to gain?

 

"So therefore the problem may be solved by violence...?"

 

"If something's got inside you then maybe I can beat it out...! If you've overtaken the body of my precious childhood friend, then I won't be able to forgive you!"

 

She really was so assertive, all of a sudden. Even so, Marron couldn't help but find himself amused... she would go so far to think him possessed? He could see how she'd think something like that. He'd long since lost the desire to keep his dark thoughts to himself, and the further she remained in the room the more it just seemed to tease him...

 

"Tira... we stand within the main diocese of the Stella Church. Big Mama and her Haz Knights reside on the floor beneath us. Had anything untoward entered these walls, might not they already be aware of it...?"

 

That was true. Big Mama had senses that could reach beyond the range of any normal human, and her Haz Knights had such amazing powers... if something malicious had managed to get into Eden, then it seemed unlikely that it would be allowed time to just hang around while the Haz Knights decided what to do. In such a situation, surely it would be 'hit first, ask questions later'... Tira faltered slightly. That was indeed logical, but it didn't explain just what had happened to Marron...!

 

"Maybe that's true, but I still want some explanation as to why you're acting like this!"

 

"To say that the Marron you know would not act in such a fashion..."

 

Marron walked slowly around Tira as he spoke.

 

"... might that not just be a sign that indeed you do not know me in the slightest...?"

 

She watched him warily, "I'd be sad if my perceptions of you were really such a lie..."

 

"Would that not be your own fault for not looking hard enough?"

 

"It could be your own fault for not letting anybody really know you."

 

"Perhaps."

 

That wasn't something Marron was going to argue with. For somebody to really know him would be to know too much about him that he wished to remain secret... Milphey knew more of him than anybody else in Eden did, and Marron wished for it to remain like that. As determined as Tira could be, he didn't consider her somebody who would happily accept his deepest perversions. It wasn't any of her business, and would never be. Oh, but she would want to hurt him in her trademark fashion...? Was that not a perversion in itself...? Marron had been behind Tira as he'd come to that realization. He closed the distance between himself and Tira, slipping his hands over her bare shoulders to come to a vague kind of hold across the top of her chest. She didn't move.

 

"I don't know what you're trying to do, Marron..."

 

"As I would not understand your motivation in kind. You would think me applicable to the same kind of punishment as you would afford my brother for his misdemeanours?... My body is not so suited to a whip, Tira. My skin is not as hardened as you have made his skin hard."

 

As he rested his chin against her shoulder she seemed to flinch slightly, but he did not move further than that and so she didn't react either. Only as tense as she had felt before... she didn't know quite how to rectify the situation. Marron, behaving so strangely... what was the cause of it? She still didn't know his anger. What could justify it? What could diffuse it?

 

"I thought you wanted to be punished, before..."

 

"I would wish to be punished by somebody I felt had the authority to punish me... somebody who could know me entirely. Somebody who could accept my perversions yet see them for their darkness... perhaps a shared joy could rise from my punishment. I would feel glorious in my submission. My skin would be trained as much as his own skill would be..."

 

Marron's hand stroked slowly down Tira's arm, closing around her fist which held her whip handle.

 

"... would you... find that kind of joy...?"

 

"Marron?"

 

"... If you were to gain my brother's affection. Would you submit to him entirely...? Would you wish for him to submit beneath the force of your whip...?"

 

"I, I can't think about something like that! I don't know...! He'd... if he didn't give me any reason to want to punish him, then I wouldn't even consider something like that...! You know him as well as I do, don't you? Know how he gets..."

 

Marron's voice was a whisper against Tira's ear, "I... would not say I knew him in that fashion... to say that our knowledge is similar... would that not be to insult my connection to him, Tira...?"

 

That whisper was as creepy as anything else; Tira pulled away from Marron, moving to stand on the other side of the room to him. He didn't fight against her, gently freeing her from his hold with a belied gentility that her movements didn't support. She stood once more before him, she stared at him. She found her breathing a little heavy. What was that? Had she really been so moved by Marron's strange embrace, Marron's strange whisper...? He stood there looking so calm, so controlled... he'd been angry, he'd been strange - he was being strange, but... Tira frowned. She didn't understand him. She didn't feel that she could understand him. Did he even want her to understand him, or was he - and it certainly seemed so - drawing some kind of perverse enjoyment out of her not being able to understand?

 

She didn't like the idea of that kind of purposeful manipulation. If there were things that he wouldn't explain, then of course how was she supposed to understand...? Either he wanted to say things or he wasn't willing to say things. If he was going to say things, then she wanted him to do so in a straightforward manner. If not then surely he could just let the situation drop...?

 

Then even so... just where was Carrot involved in any of it at all...?

 

"I wouldn't try to insult that kind of relationship! I just meant that you knew him well, I didn't mean anything else by it..."

 

"Yet you would compare the relationship."

 

"Well, we both know Carrot, don't we? It's fairly obvious to see how he acts about things, so, that was what I meant! Marron, I'm not trying to make you angry!"

 

"It's too late for that, I fear..."

 

He'd turned away from her, leaning back against the bookshelves, looking back towards the dark view of the gardens outside. That movement annoyed Tira - was he brushing her off again? Then from what he was saying, it sounded as if she was the cause for his anger...

 

Had it been because she hadn't been willing to... do things with him...? Was Marron really the kind of person who thought less of somebody because they weren't willing to sexually put out...? That seemed a strange sort of approximation against her knowledge of him, but all of her knowledge of Marron seemed to have been put to the test to that point... feeling irritated, Tira cracked her whip harshly against the wooden floor in an attempt to draw Marron's attention back towards her.

 

"Marron, is this because I wouldn't have sex with you!?"

 

"Be careful, you'll mark the floor."

 

"I'm asking you a question!"

 

"I know. And no, no... it's not for something like that. I find your manner regarding that a little frustrating, but I think we could both agree that little would be helped by our sexual union. If it were to help you then perhaps I would have complied, but... I wouldn't be able to guarantee your feelings. I would quite likely hurt you, Tira."

 

Her whip was still held ready, "... Frustrating?"

 

Marron ran his hand through his hair, letting it catch around the top of his head. He paused in that kind of position, staring piercingly at Tira with one unblinking eye.

 

"How far do you believe that mere hope can take you?"

 

"Hope...? Well, if you don't hope for something then that's the end of it..."

 

"So... mere hope will allow you to eventually claim my brother...? In the face of circumstance, in the face of logic, in the face of all those who would also have such deep feeling towards him... just because you hope, you truly believe that he will eventually be yours someday...?"

 

Such reasoning, of course, served as something of a double-edged sword to Marron as he spoke it. Tira's reasoning did indeed quite annoy him, yet what more was he able to do himself? His feelings were the strongest that he could feel. Were Tira's feelings the strongest that she could feel? What gave her the right to feel that way about Carrot?!... More to the point, what gave him the right? Surely out of anybody who knew Carrot, he should have known better... and to a degree, he did know better - he knew better, but he didn't want better. He wanted Carrot. That was that. Was that Tira's reasoning? Surely she could do so much better than Carrot... Enzeru came to mind. Certainly she could do better than Carrot. Why had Tira rejected Enzeru? It hadn't been something entirely talked about, but it seemed quite clear, now. Tira would even reject somebody like him - nevermind that he was a Sorcerer, his feelings had seemed quite genuine from what Marron had known of them - in favour of Carrot. What strong feelings she must have had. Must have.

 

"I-... what else can I do?! You know what he's like! Even oneesama is sexy and flirtatious, and that only disgusts him! Oneesama is... different to me, I couldn't act so shamelessly like how she does... if he doesn't like that behaviour then what does he like? If I'm gentle... would he like that? If I'm kind, is that what he likes? If I were to act like my sister, how would he react? I, I... aside from this, I can't really bring myself to find out... what's different about all of the girls that he chases that makes them so much more appealing than me or my sister?!"

 

She seemed quite angry; Marron replied with a calm tone.

 

"The lack of connection."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Perhaps my brother finds something exotic in those he knows nothing of. We are too familiar to him, he knows us too well... perhaps he would wish to have the chance to start something entirely fresh with a girl he knew little of. Start from nothing, build something up gently... to be able to make a relationship blossom at his own hand. Perhaps he desires that."

 

"But a relationship would be really different to how things are at the moment..."

 

Marron looked up as he spoke, realising that his next question was something that the discussion might hinge upon.

 

"... Would you have the courage to tell him that?"

 

Tira didn't reply to that. Marron felt a slight sense of victory in that silence; did Tira have the courage to suggest something to Carrot that would directly hint at a relationship, possibly between he and her...? It was all so easy to speak of such things, but to actually be able to do them... of course, to have suggested something like that was to induce a kind of danger to the situation. Might his words incense her into gaining courage...? Marron felt he had to be careful of what he said. He sighed loftily.

 

"And therefore we are similar once more. To imply such a statement would be to risk such deep feeling, would it not?"

 

"I wouldn't want him to hate me..."

 

That kind of statement seemed in such contrast to the visual image Tira was presenting. Marron realised, with a vague sense of interest, that to mind he'd never seen Tira transform from her bondage outfit back to the cape and the glasses. Was such a reverse transformation possible? Perhaps if he left the room and came back. The mental image of a quick scrabble to change her clothes amused Marron, he found himself momentarily unaware of the situation and laughing to himself. This plainly angered Tira.

 

"It's not funny!"

 

"Oh? Oh, I wasn't laughing at that... still, my brother should hate you for such a confession?"

 

"If he rejected my feelings then it'd be as bad as him hating me... it's such a big part of me! If he wasn't able to accept that, then..."

 

"... 'Accept all of me or have nothing of me'..."

 

"Ah?"

 

"Something I remember hearing once. Still... I can't quite blame you for your feelings. Such a thought... it's a romantic one, isn't it? That kind of hope... the hope of being so entirely accepted... the hope of being understood would drive away the hopelessness. We are alive. For as long as we are alive, we can hope... even if that hope is foolish. That, I think, is part of our nature."

 

"Even you would want that..."

 

Tira sounded almost surprised as she said that. Marron just smiled, "It seems strange that I wouldn't? I would wonder if it would be a difference between us... you wondered what made me angry. Tira, the-... the thing that makes me angry... if something is hopeless then it feels frustrating, doesn't it? If anything... I think... my anger would come from the fact that I can't stop hoping. I know the situation hopeless. I know my feelings hopeless. I know myself to be hopeless. Yet I would continue to hope. Is that not... stupid, somehow?"

 

Feeling like she was finally getting somewhere, Tira smiled gently.

 

"You said it yourself, that that's part of our nature... I don't think it's stupid. I don't think you're hopeless, Marron."

 

"That I would entertain the notion that my feelings were indeed hopeless... that is what stirs the greatest frustration. That is what stirs the most terrible anger."

 

"I thought you got most angry when people hurt Carrot..."

 

Marron looked up at Tira; her expression was one of relaxed amusement. She seemed to be quite calm, now... Marron realised that the situation didn't quite have the tense sort of feeling it'd had even just a short while ago. He allowed himself slight relaxation... Tira would not know how the events connected.

 

"... and that also, indeed."

 

There was a silence, warmer than previously. Was there anywhere else for the conversation to go? Was there really anything else to say? Marron couldn't think of anything, and Tira's silence seemed to say that she couldn't either. Marron walked towards the door of the study, opening it quietly.

 

"Now. Tomorrow, we may still yet have a mission. I would not wish to be responsible for spoiling your mood for that day... are you not tired? Do you not wish to sleep?"

 

"Well... yes..."

 

"Then, sleep. It's important, is it not?"

 

"... I'm still a little worried about you, though..."

 

She paused in the doorframe. Marron glanced at her with vague curiosity, "... Oh?"

 

"... I... you were saying that we were similar... so, um... I know what it's like... to not be able to say anything, to not even feel like you can do anything... but... um... I know the situation was weird, but... I'm a little glad I was able to talk to you like that. It was a bit... it felt... I feel a bit relieved to know that I'm not the only person who feels like this. So, um... if you did want to talk about the things that were troubling you... I wouldn't mind if you talked to me about them...?"

 

Her tone of voice seemed to suggest her phrase as a question. Marron nodded, "I'll keep that in mind, Tira. Thank you."

 

Marron didn't say anything beyond that. Tira wondered if she'd expected more... she supposed that perhaps it wasn't an idea to force a situation. Still, wasn't it better to be able to talk to people...?

 

He'd acted so strangely over the last little while. He hadn't seemed in the kind of mood to say sensible things... working out what was wrong with him... obviously it was a matter of another person, but the way in which he seemed to see himself, the way in which he saw his problems... the way he seemed to want to act on those problems... if he was truly not possessed then indeed, he was a person who was intensely difficult to know... and given how he could be, Tira had to ask herself if she really wanted to know Marron, when it came to issues such as that. When it came to knowing somebody in that way.

 

She could only speculate on what Marron and Gateau's relationship had been like...

 

Indeed, Marron was a treasured adopted brother and a fond friend, but anything further... would he ever trust enough to need a confidante? Would he ever feel the need to be more gentle with himself? More than anything he seemed so ruthless with his own perception of himself... little more could be said or done. Tira had enough intelligence to realise when it was a good idea to let a situation rest, and she had no desire to provoke Marron further for the night. After all, they'd managed to end it quite nicely, hadn't they? Perhaps he was ill, also. Perhaps he'd been having a bad night. If she'd been able to help him, even just a little... well. She wasn't sure. Had she been able to help him...? Such things were confusing to think about, but he had been right. Tomorrow there could still be a mission. She left the room quietly.

 

Once Tira had left, Marron closed the door behind her. He pressed his forehead against the door and simply leant there for a few moments, feeling a soft sense of relief cut across his anger at the fact that he was now alone once more. His anger... his anger which in fact still burnt quite fiercely within him...

 

That had been an... interesting situation, hadn't it...?

 

So the object of Tira's desires was Carrot. As much as she could love anybody, she loved Carrot. The relationship between she and her sister was even affected through that love... Marron stepped away from the door, folded his arms, turned to stare out of the window. The moon had quite advanced in the sky by now... perhaps it would even be morning soon? He wouldn't have been surprised. He sighed slightly. Surely the relationship between siblings was a sacred one? Marron would never have questioned his connection to Carrot. He wondered if Tira ever questioned her connection to Chocolat... still, the relationship between the sisters... that was something Marron didn't feel he could know. They were such different people, but all the same, it seemed a shame for there to be that slight nature of deception... Chocolat loved Carrot so freely, possibly not realizing how much it might have hurt Tira. That was barely Chocolat's fault, though... if Tira didn't want to say anything, then she didn't want to say anything, that was that. Marron couldn't imagine such a relationship. If something had the potential to cause such a rift, surely at least if it was he and Carrot, he'd want the situation resolved as early as possible?

 

Still, nobody said how long Tira had loved Carrot for. Perhaps it was something that, by this point, she couldn't help. It was frighteningly easy to get caught into a comfortable routine, even if that routine was one that was unwanted...

 

And if she ever did tell Carrot of her feelings...

 

Marron snarled to the empty room as he leant against the bookshelf again, looking down at the painted windowsill and the wooden shelf beneath his fingers. If Tira found the courage to be able to talk to Carrot. If he were to guess her feelings. If he were to aim feelings towards her in the first place. If anything of the delicate balance they currently had were to be weighed to one way or the other...

 

The only consolation, slight as it was, was that if Tira's feelings really did run so similarly to Marron's own feelings, then thoughts of confession were difficult. He'd been struggling with his feelings for years to that point, likely she had too... as Milphey had said in the past, it was essentially a choice between doing something and doing nothing. It was easy to do nothing when the something was scary... but then again, would there not be regret for not doing anything...?

 

Tira's situation was a little different due to her natural qualities. She was female. She wasn't related to Carrot by blood. By those two criteria, already much more of a match for Carrot than he himself... Marron raised one hand up to his mouth. The natural sorts of relationships. The biological match. Had things not taken a different direction, he and Tira could have ended up having had sex... and then what? They'd been so close to each other. The memory of her scent lingered in Marron's mind... he inhaled deeply, holding his breath for a few moments as he looked back to the window.

 

Her scent, her lingering fragrance... the softness of her body... her smooth skin... her warm lips, her delicate taste...

 

Even those things could sway his own mind. If Carrot were presented with them, would there even be a moment's hesitation? If he were seriously presented with them. Then times from the past occurred to Marron's mind. The way Tira had blushed after a mistaken kiss from Carrot. All the times previously she'd blushed and Marron had barely noticed, let alone wondered why... her manner with Carrot. That time Carrot had lost his memory, and Marron had trusted Tira to look after Carrot safely without the nature of corruption that Chocolat or he might have taken... that situation with Enzeru... all the times Carrot had been kind to Tira, thus fuelling her desires... when she'd ended up intoxicated after those valentine's chocolates, and he'd looked after her... that time when he'd deceived everybody so smoothly, Marron could still remember Carrot's own look at him, let alone how he'd spoken to the Misu sisters, to Gateau...

 

Each person had so many experiences. Why did it suddenly seem that Tira had so many more experiences than anybody else? She was somehow... there was something... if there was anybody who Carrot may have ended up developing serious feeling for...

 

The unpredictable nature of love and feeling...

 

Marron snarled and louder as he pushed against the bookcase. The bookcases themselves were not fixed to the wall in any fashion, since they sat on the floor firmly enough there seemed little point in such a thing... if you pushed it with enough force it would indeed fall, and Marron stepped back with an impassive stare as the centre bookshelf fell forward with a loud impact. Could anything even be done!? One couldn't predict anybody's moves. It couldn't be predicted if Tira would ever confess. If Carrot would ever develop such feelings. It couldn't be said if Carrot hadn't already developed such feeling - given Tira's nature, he may have been reluctant to say anything. After all, didn't she always seem to punish him so much? She was so shy when it came to such matters, perhaps Carrot would really think that she disliked him in that manner. Nevermind all those times when the Misu sisters and Carrot would happily go down to Facade together. When they would return and Carrot would say nothing of the trip other than that it was nice.

 

Nice!?

 

What was that!?

 

He had a nice time with the Misu sisters, did he? Both of whom loved him so intently. What kind of things happened on those trips?! What kind of feelings may ever have been developed!?... Marron clenched his fists tightly. Was there anything that could be done to prevent anything happening further...!? Could Carrot be locked in a room and prevented from seeing the Misu sisters ever again? Could there be any guarantee programmed into Carrot's head to stop him from ever seeing those two girls like that? Their feelings couldn't- they-... they couldn't feel as much or as intently as Marron felt he did himself! Perhaps their feelings would be deep but how much deeper was a connection through blood and then truly through the soul...?

 

The connection of rebirth to destruction itself... could anything hope to tame such a force...? Yet there had been something within he himself that had calmed Carrot and woken the part of he that was him... that time... that time... Marron brought that hand up to his face. That time, that contact... just that one touch yet it had been able to calm Carrot and bring him back to himself...

 

That which the Misu sisters had that he didn't...

 

That which he had, that the Misu sisters didn't...

 

To be brothers... that which Tira had said she was jealous for... oh, and how might she be jealous if she knew further of things that had happened... not only being able to share a bedroom. Other things. Things that only he (and then Milphey) knew. Nobody else could have the love, the devotion, the loyalty, the dedication of the younger brother, could they...? Anybody else was just somebody with feeling. He had the connection. Marron felt strangely empowered by this - perhaps Carrot wasn't looking to deepen that connection, but perhaps he didn't know what he was looking for.

 

If one touch could bring his humanity back... perhaps one touch could similarly sway him...

 

The choice was ultimately one that belonged to Carrot alone, but oh, if his opinion could be swayed in any way... Carrot thought it better for Marron to have normal relationships? Ah, how he was mistaken. Could anything really be called normal? Then that which was natural... what was more natural than the connection of the fraternal? That feeling that came most naturally to Marron... to love Carrot...

 

Marron walked over to the door... the bookshelf could be sorted in the morning. It seemed to have fallen neatly, in any case. He left the room quietly, closed the door with barely a 'clck' behind him. He stood in the corridor. It was dark, it was deserted. Even Tira would have gone back to her room to attempt sleep for the morning by this point... everybody would be asleep by that point. Sleeping, relaxed... even Carrot would be unaware of the things going on under the cover of night.

 

At least one consolation, Marron felt, was that at least nobody else would be aware of the mental battle going on within his mind. His steps sounded loud in the corridor as he walked from his study over to his bedroom. Might anybody else indeed be awake? Might they have heard the fall of the bookshelf? If so, nobody had left their bedroom to say anything of it... Marron returned to his bedroom, closing himself within those four walls where his brother slept just meters away from him.

 

The bedroom was darker than the study and the corridor had been. The moon had moved too far in the sky to bless the room with its light... no matter. Marron stood at the door, staring forth into the darkness. He didn't have to specifically be able to see to know what was there... Carrot's breathing was deep and measured in sleep. There was an occasional snore. The soft tap of Marron's footstep. He stood at the end of his brother's bed.

 

The choice between doing something, and doing nothing...

 

Carrot slept so easily, so unaware of anything that went on around him... so unaware of the silent battle for his company that raged so powerfully in the minds of at least three of his closest daily companions... Marron smiled softly to himself as he touched his hand to the edge of the bed, running a finger along its perimeter as he walked around to the side. Perhaps Gateau could develop some kind of love for Carrot also. Why not? Everybody else seemed to. The Misu sisters were rivals within themselves? Carrot would not want anything of the group dynamic to change. It had already changed. The Misu sisters were rivals for more than just each other. Marron felt the ruffled edge of Carrot's bedsheet. Ran his hand up along its edge, felt a vague rush within him where he felt cloth meet naked skin...

 

The knowledge that the fraternal connection lent some kind of credibility to his actions which put his feelings to a disadvantage was frustrating. However, did it not also lend just that slight advantage to Marron's own feelings? He gently pulled the covers away from Carrot, delicately knelt onto the bed's edge and dropped himself in beside Carrot with as little disturbance as he could manage. Carrot made a vague kind of sound in his sleep, but said little else. He didn't wake up. Marron pulled the covers around them both... a little small, but that didn't matter. The night was warm. Carrot's body was also warm. There were any amount of excuses he could employ... he'd sleepwalked (all of about two feet into Carrot's bed). He'd had a bad dream. Anything like that. The Misu sisters couldn't use such excuses without immediate suspicion, but to be Carrot's brother...

 

"Hnnn..."

 

Carrot made another sound. He was so close by, Marron shifted his head on the pillow... so close that he could even feel Carrot's regular outtake of breath against his skin. He couldn't describe how he felt... the anger had melted away into some kind of insane self-confidence and as much as the future was a worry, the present moment was acceptable enough. To be able to take such chances. To be able to share a bed with Carrot. To be able to feel his warmth, feel his breath... he felt at once both calmed by his proximity to Carrot and almost scared by it, but in such a wonderful way... would Carrot even notice if they touched...? His hand shaking, Marron felt incredibly aware of the sound his hand made against the underside of the bedsheets as he reached across for Carrot's far shoulder. He felt the smooth curve of skin against the pads of his fingertips... closed his fingers around Carrot's shoulder... no reaction. His arm leant against Carrot's naked chest... Marron couldn't help but make a slight sound as he breathed out, he hadn't even realised he'd been holding his breath until that point...

 

"Hnmnmnn..."

 

Even if Carrot were to wake up... was this not the same brother who had kissed Marron so suddenly not entirely so long ago? Marron still didn't know what that had been, still hadn't managed to work any explanation out of Carrot... feelings could perhaps be unforgivable sometimes, but it couldn't have been said that it was all entirely from Marron's own feelings...! Carrot had had him pinned to the bed and had kissed him. Marron shut his eyes, tucking his other arm around underneath Carrot's neck and shoulders. He held Carrot around his chest, now...

 

"... Lmn... nn... -ch... n..."

 

Marron opened his eyes again... Carrot was probably dreaming of a girl. He seemed to do that a lot. Well, if he was under the influence of a dream, Marron felt he could only encourage Carrot's sleeping mind... he pressed his head to the shoulder closest to him, shifted one leg over Carrot's closest. Carrot made a slight noise, moved slightly... then lay still again, sleeping soundly.

 

This was enough for the moment, was it not...? To confess anything... to risk anything... to say anything... that didn't have to happen at the moment. Even if things had to happen in the future... the future was the future, was next week, was the weekend, was tomorrow morning... everything in the future was that which was not to happen at that moment, and for that moment, the moment in itself was enough. Marron closed his eyes again. His head was leant on Carrot's shoulder, his arms were wrapped around Carrot's chest, one leg was holding one of Carrot's legs down. Carrot's body was so warm as to be hot... and such small joys were ones that the Misu sisters could never so casually experience...

 

For the moment, Carrot could so easily diffuse his own anger... how could he remain angry...? Even if the future was one that was uncertain...

 

Such things were unimportant in the face of Carrot's bodily warmth. Marron wanted to forget about the complicated things, and just concentrate on that until he fell asleep... and that, as it turned out, was comfortingly easy to do.