Speed Racer Fan Fiction ❯ All of My Heart ❯ Chapter Five ( Chapter 5 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: liana_bluestar 
Anime/Manga: Speed Racer Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Psychological / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 09.11.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.8K | Visits: 170 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Speed Racer Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Psychological / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 09.11.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.8K | Visits: 170 | Status: Work In Progress
“Wake me up inside.
Wake me up inside.
Call my name and
save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run
before I come undone
Save me from the
nothing I've become.”
-- Bring Me to Life, Evanescence, Fallen
“You can't do this!”
Trixie folded her arms, her gaze cool as the blonde-haired woman across from her seethed.
“I'm afraid that I am, Dr. Joyce. I'm not comfortable with putting Speed through these options. There aren't any guarantees that either of the treatments will work. I can't allow it. There has to be something else we can try.”
“We've gone over this once before, Mrs. Racer. There isn't anything else to try. It's either one of these treatments or Speed stays here. And, I'm sorry to say, Speed wants to do this. He doesn't want to remember.”
“I don't accept that,” the brunette shot back, losing some control over her composure. “There has to be another way so find it.”
“Fine. I will. But I will remind you that you are over-stepping your limits in your efforts to help Speed. You are not his guardian and you do not make the decisions regarding his care. He does. You're doing more harm than good. But if another way is what you want, that is what you'll get. However, I guarantee you, Mrs. Racer, that you won't like it.”
“Are you threatening me?” Trixie challenged.
“No. I'm challenging your authority. You asked me to help Speed and that's what I'm going to do. Good day, Mrs. Racer.”
Before Trixie could say anything more, Dr. Joyce whirled around and stormed out of the conference room.
* * *
“Go away.”
Thud.
“Go away.”
Wake me up inside.
Call my name and
save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run
before I come undone
Save me from the
nothing I've become.”
-- Bring Me to Life, Evanescence, Fallen
“You can't do this!”
Trixie folded her arms, her gaze cool as the blonde-haired woman across from her seethed.
“I'm afraid that I am, Dr. Joyce. I'm not comfortable with putting Speed through these options. There aren't any guarantees that either of the treatments will work. I can't allow it. There has to be something else we can try.”
“We've gone over this once before, Mrs. Racer. There isn't anything else to try. It's either one of these treatments or Speed stays here. And, I'm sorry to say, Speed wants to do this. He doesn't want to remember.”
“I don't accept that,” the brunette shot back, losing some control over her composure. “There has to be another way so find it.”
“Fine. I will. But I will remind you that you are over-stepping your limits in your efforts to help Speed. You are not his guardian and you do not make the decisions regarding his care. He does. You're doing more harm than good. But if another way is what you want, that is what you'll get. However, I guarantee you, Mrs. Racer, that you won't like it.”
“Are you threatening me?” Trixie challenged.
“No. I'm challenging your authority. You asked me to help Speed and that's what I'm going to do. Good day, Mrs. Racer.”
Before Trixie could say anything more, Dr. Joyce whirled around and stormed out of the conference room.
* * *
“Go away.”
Thud.
“Go away.”
Thud.
“Go away.”
Thud.
“Go away.”
Thud.
Rex could only watch in helplessness as his younger brother repeatedly hit his head against the wall. Why Speed did that, Rex couldn't say. As usual, the straight jacket had been put on, his brother's arms held tight against his body, and the orderlies kept a safe distance from the mentally ill man. They had refused to answer him when Rex had inquired about his brother's behaviour, merely shrugging, as if he should know the answer already. Tentatively, he reached out to the dark-haired man.
“Speed?” he inquired gently.
“Go away.” Thud.
“Speed . . .”
“Go away.” Thud.
It took a few more attempts but finally Rex got his brother to look at him. He smiled a little when he saw clear, blue eyes staring at him.
“How are you feeling?” Rex ventured, in the hopes that his brother would finally talk to him again.
“I'm. Fine,” came the reply. “What . . . do you want?”
“To take you home, Speed, and as soon as possible. Trixie's talking to Dr. Joyce right now about finding a new treatment for you so you can . . .”
Speed's eyes flashed at those words then he snarled, springing forward as if to attack him. Rex nearly fell backwards as the orderlies dashed forward, grabbing a hold of his brother and restraining him.
“STOP INTERFERING IN MY LIFE!” he screamed, his cheeks bright red. “YOU AND TRIXIE NEVER QUIT! YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! YOU DON'T FUCKING QUIT! I KEEP SAYING I WANT DR. JOHNSON TO TREAT ME, THAT I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING REMEMBER BUT YOU NEVER LISTEN! DAMMIT, YOU NEVER LISTEN!! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!”
Rex blinked at the onslaught, his brother's voice shrinking down to a choked whimper. That had been the first time in six years his brother had spoken to directly to him, but it hadn't gone as he had envisioned it. The orderlies half-led, half-dragged Speed from the recreational room.
“Must be the medications,” he breathed, clenching his hands to keep from shaking. “Has to be the medications. He would have never said that otherwise.”
“More like the lack of medications, Mr. Racer,” a calm voice stated. “He's been surprisingly lucid since we've started to wean him from his medications. The withdrawal, though, is getting worse each time. He can't keep this up for much longer. Eventually, it's going to kill him.”
His eyes narrowed as he raised his head to see the somber and pensive expression of Dr. Johnson. The chestnut-haired man sat next to him, and he suppressed a sigh of annoyance. He didn't want to see just how badly Speed's words had affected him. Instead, he did the only thing he could think of.
“You're not Speed's doctor anymore,” he growled. “You have no right to be deciding anything.”
“And you have no right interfering with his wishes,” came the simple reply, “as you were informed by Dr. Joyce. She was right when she told you I've been humouring you and your wife all these years. I can take over his treatment at any time and there's nothing you can do about it.”
“Why you . . .”
“I'm not here to argue with you. In fact, I'm done arguing with you and your wife. I'm just here to state the facts to you. Speed can not keep living like this. Twice a year we wean him off of his medications to put him under hypnosis to find out what courses of action he wants to take. Twice a year you, your wife, and your parents witness this. And twice a year the withdrawal from his medications gets worse. But you and Mrs. Racer don't see that. You've conveniently forgotten how violent he was before he came here, before we got him on the right medications and dosages. You come at the most opportune of times to miss the worst of the withdrawal pains. Or you don't come at all. You're never here to calm him down or to speak comfort to him. Quite honestly, Mr. Racer, I'm getting tired of this dance. I'm tired of watching him suffer and torment himself over something he had no control over.”
“You've done nothing to help him,” Rex spat, trying to keep his verbal lashings going. He hated the fact that the doctor had a point. “You're the reason why he's so addicted to those damn drugs.”
“And I'm tired of arguing with you and your wife,” Dr. Johnson sighed, rising to his feet. “It's going to end. I can't keep putting him through this simply because you want one thing for him and he wants the opposite. I'm sorry, Mr. Racer, but you and your wife lose this time. If Speed doesn't want to remember then he doesn't have to. It is by his choice that he's here to begin with. It's now up to him as to whether or not he wants to leave.”
“I don't buy that,” Rex murmured, the full truth of the doctor's words sinking in. He wanted to help his brother. More than anything else in the world. And Trixie knew his brother, knew Speed better than what he did. He didn't want to think that she could be wrong on something like this. “He needs to remember . . . so he can cope.”
“He wasn't allowed to cope after it happened, Mr. Racer. Your wife made sure of that by demanding that they get married. Just so he could prove his love for her . . . What makes you think he's going to want to start coping now?”
* * *
“Shhh, it's okay, Speed. It's okay.” Fingers brushed lightly against his temple as he cried into her lap.
“Mother, I'm scared . . . I don't know what to do anymore . . . I . . . I can't do this . . . I can't face anyone . . . Not after what happened . . . How am I going to get through this?” he sobbed.
“I don't know, baby. I can't answer that. I wish I could but I'm afraid it's something that you'll have to answer yourself. You're the only one who knows your own strength . . . but don't worry. I'll always be here with you. You can always cry on my shoulder. Always.”
“Promise?”
“I promise. You're my baby.”
“Go away.”
Thud.
“Go away.”
Thud.
Rex could only watch in helplessness as his younger brother repeatedly hit his head against the wall. Why Speed did that, Rex couldn't say. As usual, the straight jacket had been put on, his brother's arms held tight against his body, and the orderlies kept a safe distance from the mentally ill man. They had refused to answer him when Rex had inquired about his brother's behaviour, merely shrugging, as if he should know the answer already. Tentatively, he reached out to the dark-haired man.
“Speed?” he inquired gently.
“Go away.” Thud.
“Speed . . .”
“Go away.” Thud.
It took a few more attempts but finally Rex got his brother to look at him. He smiled a little when he saw clear, blue eyes staring at him.
“How are you feeling?” Rex ventured, in the hopes that his brother would finally talk to him again.
“I'm. Fine,” came the reply. “What . . . do you want?”
“To take you home, Speed, and as soon as possible. Trixie's talking to Dr. Joyce right now about finding a new treatment for you so you can . . .”
Speed's eyes flashed at those words then he snarled, springing forward as if to attack him. Rex nearly fell backwards as the orderlies dashed forward, grabbing a hold of his brother and restraining him.
“STOP INTERFERING IN MY LIFE!” he screamed, his cheeks bright red. “YOU AND TRIXIE NEVER QUIT! YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?! I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! YOU DON'T FUCKING QUIT! I KEEP SAYING I WANT DR. JOHNSON TO TREAT ME, THAT I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING REMEMBER BUT YOU NEVER LISTEN! DAMMIT, YOU NEVER LISTEN!! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!”
Rex blinked at the onslaught, his brother's voice shrinking down to a choked whimper. That had been the first time in six years his brother had spoken to directly to him, but it hadn't gone as he had envisioned it. The orderlies half-led, half-dragged Speed from the recreational room.
“Must be the medications,” he breathed, clenching his hands to keep from shaking. “Has to be the medications. He would have never said that otherwise.”
“More like the lack of medications, Mr. Racer,” a calm voice stated. “He's been surprisingly lucid since we've started to wean him from his medications. The withdrawal, though, is getting worse each time. He can't keep this up for much longer. Eventually, it's going to kill him.”
His eyes narrowed as he raised his head to see the somber and pensive expression of Dr. Johnson. The chestnut-haired man sat next to him, and he suppressed a sigh of annoyance. He didn't want to see just how badly Speed's words had affected him. Instead, he did the only thing he could think of.
“You're not Speed's doctor anymore,” he growled. “You have no right to be deciding anything.”
“And you have no right interfering with his wishes,” came the simple reply, “as you were informed by Dr. Joyce. She was right when she told you I've been humouring you and your wife all these years. I can take over his treatment at any time and there's nothing you can do about it.”
“Why you . . .”
“I'm not here to argue with you. In fact, I'm done arguing with you and your wife. I'm just here to state the facts to you. Speed can not keep living like this. Twice a year we wean him off of his medications to put him under hypnosis to find out what courses of action he wants to take. Twice a year you, your wife, and your parents witness this. And twice a year the withdrawal from his medications gets worse. But you and Mrs. Racer don't see that. You've conveniently forgotten how violent he was before he came here, before we got him on the right medications and dosages. You come at the most opportune of times to miss the worst of the withdrawal pains. Or you don't come at all. You're never here to calm him down or to speak comfort to him. Quite honestly, Mr. Racer, I'm getting tired of this dance. I'm tired of watching him suffer and torment himself over something he had no control over.”
“You've done nothing to help him,” Rex spat, trying to keep his verbal lashings going. He hated the fact that the doctor had a point. “You're the reason why he's so addicted to those damn drugs.”
“And I'm tired of arguing with you and your wife,” Dr. Johnson sighed, rising to his feet. “It's going to end. I can't keep putting him through this simply because you want one thing for him and he wants the opposite. I'm sorry, Mr. Racer, but you and your wife lose this time. If Speed doesn't want to remember then he doesn't have to. It is by his choice that he's here to begin with. It's now up to him as to whether or not he wants to leave.”
“I don't buy that,” Rex murmured, the full truth of the doctor's words sinking in. He wanted to help his brother. More than anything else in the world. And Trixie knew his brother, knew Speed better than what he did. He didn't want to think that she could be wrong on something like this. “He needs to remember . . . so he can cope.”
“He wasn't allowed to cope after it happened, Mr. Racer. Your wife made sure of that by demanding that they get married. Just so he could prove his love for her . . . What makes you think he's going to want to start coping now?”
* * *
“Shhh, it's okay, Speed. It's okay.” Fingers brushed lightly against his temple as he cried into her lap.
“Mother, I'm scared . . . I don't know what to do anymore . . . I . . . I can't do this . . . I can't face anyone . . . Not after what happened . . . How am I going to get through this?” he sobbed.
“I don't know, baby. I can't answer that. I wish I could but I'm afraid it's something that you'll have to answer yourself. You're the only one who knows your own strength . . . but don't worry. I'll always be here with you. You can always cry on my shoulder. Always.”
“Promise?”
“I promise. You're my baby.”
“I tried, Mother,” he whispered into the empty. “I really did. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you too much for that. But I did. I kept on hurting you . . . and it hurt to be near you . . . God, I didn't want to feel that way . . . but I did. I love you so much, Mother . . . I want to come home. I really do.”
She had never told him how much it had pained her to see him suffering like that, how the pain made her feel helpless against the nightmares and the torment. She had never said it but he knew. Speed had seen it in his mother's eyes every time he had cried and made himself sick over what had happened. She had been a saint, trying to keep him sane enough to cope, but, in the end, she could only do so much.
“I'm so sorry, Mother,” he whispered, gazing at the ceiling. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks. “I'm so sorry. I've failed you. I've failed Pops . . . I've failed myself. No one will let me be. They don't understand . . . I don't want to remember . . . I don't want to remember at all . . . because . . . because if I don't . . . I'll be able to look at you again and feel happy . . . and not the burning rage or hatred . . . I don't want to feel those anymore. Please, Mother . . . help me. Help me get through this. Please. You're the only woman who matters to me anymore. Help them see that. Please.”