Street Fighter Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] '12 Months and a year' ❯ Chapter 1a ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

           &nbs p;   *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
   (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be...)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 50: 12 MONTHS AND A YEAR PT. 1

(A Street Fighter MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.
Just covering our collective asses here folks...

"Street Fighter" is the property of Capcom and all the
distributors of their work.

"12 Months and a Year" is the property of sske.  We attempted to
contact the author by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely
hope they don't take offence to this MSTing of their work.  It's all meant
in good fun.  ;p

Warning: This fanfic contains mature content, adult language and scenes
of extreme violence.


***


THE HOLOCABANA

    A Halloween party was in full swing as 'The Monster Mash' played in the
background while party-goers dressed in a variety of costumes mingled
and/or danced to the music.  Just then, a familiar figure with slicked back
hair walked up to Cambot, dressed in a gray suit with a red bow tie.

    "Good evening, boys and girls!  My name's Pee-wee.  Heard any good
riffs lately?" Joel Robinson exclaimed before following with his best
impression of Pee-Wee's trademark chuckle.  "Welcome to a very special
episode of a... Halloween special episode!  Starring... Me!  Pee-wee
Herman!  And...!"

    Cambot panned over to Tom Servo wearing a purple dress with gold
and white highlights along the bottom.  His face was painted a fresh
human-y pink and a long blond ponytail flowed from the top of his head,
held on by a purple scrunchie.  A small guitar was taped to the front of his
dress with the name 'Carol' written across it.  Upon noticing Cambot, Tom
quipped.

    "Hi, this is Marzipan, I'm busy sampling the cheese hors d'oeuvres
right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, prank call or creepy
stalker message, please wait for the beep and I'll get back to you,
ignore you or file yet another restraining order against Coach Z.
Thank you and remember to protest something every day!"

   "Also starring... George Bernard Shaw!" Joel gestured to Crow T.
Robot, who was wearing a white wig, long fake white beard and black
suit.  "Please, call me Bernard.  I insist."  Crow replied in an old
man's voice.  

    "And please welcome the always lovely... Elvira!"  Joel continued as
Cambot focused on Gypsy, wearing a gothic black dress, rubber gag
cleavage, white face paint and a tall black wig.  "Hello darlings, it's me,
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark!  The gal who brings the ha-ha's while
shaking her ta-ta's!"  Gypsy exclaimed with a giggle as she wiggled
her gag cleavage around.

    "Now let's find out what today's secret word is!"  Joel exclaimed as
he skipped over to Crow.  "Hey Conky!  What's today's secret word!?"

     "Hmm?"  Crow slowly turned to face Joel and replied in a deliberately
pretentious tone of voice.  "Oh, yes, the word... let's see... today's
secret word is... ah yes, pulchritudinous."

    "Pulchrit... what?"  Joel replied, confused.

    "Pulchritudinous.  Look it up, won't you?"  Crow replied haughtily
before waving his hand dismissively and looking away."

    "Uh, okay, you all remember what to do whenever anybody says the
secret word right?"  Joel asked the room.

    "SCREAM!"  The party-goers shouted together.

    "That's right!  For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the
secret word, scream real loud. Ready?  Let's try it.  Oh, Elvira..."

     "Yes, Joe... I mean, Pee-Wee!"  Gypsy replied on cue.

    "Could you dunk Crow's head into the cheese dip for being
a Randy?"

    "With pleasure, Pee-Wee!"  Gypsy cackled as she rushed over to
Crow, grabbed him by the back of his collar and lifted him off the
floor.  "What is this!?  I am Bernard Shaw and you can't do
thi...BLUUUSGHH!!"  Crow tried to scream as Gypsy forced his
head into the cheese dip.

    "Hey, I was about to sample that!"  Tom whined as Gypsy lifted
Crow's head out of the dip and Crow could only sputter indignantly.

    "Now, THAT was Pulchritudinous.   AHHHHHHHH!!!"  Joel
screamed with the rest of the crowd as bells rang out on cue.  
Suddenly the lights in the Holocabana began to flash red.  "Uh-oh,
looks like we'll have to ditch this party for a bit, gang, Garfield
and Odie are calling..."


***


DEEP 13

    "Oh, good.  Daft Punk and Cluless have graced us with their
presence." Dr. Clayton Forrester said as he smirked into the camera.
He was currently dressed in a white lab coat with red tie and was
wearing a bald cap with grey hair jutting out the sides.  His mustache
had also been dyed grey.

    "And a happy Samhain to you too, Dr. Wily.  Uh, wow, that's a lot
of candy..."  Joel couldn't help noticing.

         Dr . Forrester sighed and rubbed his face as he stood in front
of the monitor, surrounded by several large metal bowls of Halloween
candy.  "Don't get me started...  Frank always spends his entire
month's pay for October on candy in preparation for Halloween... but
since we get almost NO trick or treaters, he ends up eating it all for
himself..."

    "Hey, give me a break!"  TV's Frank replied as he walked in from
off-camera.  He was dressed in a black jacket with a white long
sleeved shirt, gray pants and brown shoes.  An old-fashioned
Polaroid camera hung around his neck with a strap.

    "Halloween is one of the few times I can buy a ton of candy
and not be judged by everyone as just another Sugar Fatty.  And if
kids decide not to trick or trick at our door, then it's my civic duty
not to let the leftover candy go to waste!  I don't just eat candy
for myself, I eat it for the kids starving in Japan!  That's the
AMERICAN way!"  Frank exclaimed as he struck a heroic pose
between the bowls of candy.

    "Well, you COULD always give some leftovers to a homeless
shelter for kids or something..."  Joel pointed out.

    Frank stared aghast at Joel.  "What are you, nuts?  If I did
that, they'd expect me to do it EVERY year!  Besides, who in their
right mind gives out free candy to CHILDREN?  That's just creepy
and weird!"

    "Speaking of creepy and weird, who are you supposed to be
again?"  Dr. Forrester interrupted

    "Why, I'm Video Game's Frank West!  The original, not the
new one!"  Frank quickly added.  "I'm a photojournalist ready to
kick some zombie butt... you know, as soon as one stumbles by
trick or treating..."

    "Rrrright... well, "Frank", why don't you go get the invention
while I see what the peanut gallery have come up with this
week... Joel?"


***


SATELLITE OF LOVE

    "If anybody should've dressed as Frank West, it should've
been one of us.  We've covered 'The War' by M. Llave, you
know?"  Crow wisecracked.

    "Nice."  Joel chuckled as he reached under the counter and
placed a handful of coloured pills on the counter top next to a
glass of water.  "Okay sirs, I came up with this invention for
cosplayers, party goers and people who just like to change their
hair colour often but don't have the time or money to buy hair
dye or schedule expensive salon treatments.  It's a pill that
lets you naturally grow out your hair in any colour you want.
Allow me to demonstrate..."  

     Joel picked up a blond coloured pill, popped it in his
mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water.  "Normally, this
process takes about a month or so to work but through the
magic of fanfiction... Volia, it's done!"  Tom exclaimed as
Joel's hair was suddenly a rich blond colour.  "Check Joel
out, I'll bet he's having more fun already!"

    "I sure am!  And with these pills, you can not only
save money, but minimize damage to your hair since you won't
need bleach any more.  Right now each pill can only give
your hair one solid colour, but we're hoping to add
multicoloured options by adjusting the dosage, assuming
we can get funding for test subjects.  What'da thinks,
sirs?" Joel finished.

    "Interesting... but are there any side-effects?"  Dr.
Forrester inquired.

    "Well... kinda."  Joel suddenly blushed.  "The pills don't
just change the colour of the hair on your head... it...
umm... affects ALL of your body hair...

    "Ah... so now the drapes..."  Dr. Forrester started.

    "...match the carpet, among other things."  Joel finished
with a sigh.


***


DEEP 13

    Dr. Forrester chuckled.  "Well Joel, maybe you should SHAVE
that invention for later or just WEAVE it to the professionals."
Joel and the bots groaned as Dr. Forrester continued without
missing a beat.  

     "Anyhoo, my invention this week finally grants a grain of
truth to the long held myth that people put dangerous items in
Halloween candy... it's a trick AND a treat with an oh-so-sweet
twist!"  Dr. Forrester cackled as Frank wheeled in a table tray
with several items on it.
    
     "As you can see, I pilfered select pieces of Frank's candy and
made a few... adjustments.  We've got a chocolate bar here stuffed
with a black liquorice razor blade... a package of gummy bears now
covered in broken sugar glass... a caramel apple filled with hidden
nougat needles AND tapioca toothpicks.  And I even had time to
make... Peanut Butter Cups with Pocky!"

    Joel and the bots looked at each other.  "What's so bad about
that?"

    "Green Tea Pocky."  Dr. Forrester replied with an evil smile.

    "You SICK MONSTER!"  Tom exclaimed, outraged, while Crow
and Joel attempted to hold him back.  Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester
chuckled to himself.  

     "Yes, soon children of all ages will once again fear the candy
man... I'll be an angel to parents and a devil to the dentists of
the world... at least until they bribe me to take my candy off the
market... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  Dr. Forrester laughed while
holding up a fist triumphantly in the air.

    "You really think the Mega MAN won't bust you for tampering
with kid's candy?"  Crow retorted.

    "Oh please!  They'll never find out!  When was the last time a
cop asked you to 'Show me your candy!"  Dr. Forrester fired back
with a sly grin.  

     "Dr. F... you have hit a new low."  Joel shook his head in
disgust.  

     "Thank you, Joel, that means a lot.  I could discuss hair care
and tainted candy all day but I think it's time we got on with this
week's experiment, wouldn't you say?"

    "Would it matter if we said no?"  Crow muttered.

    "Not a whit.  This week, I've decided to reward you with a trip
to beautiful sunny Capcom and the gang of miscreants from 'Street
Fighter'.  This fanfic invokes the three R's of bad fanfiction.  
Repetition, repetition, and repetition.  Better yet, it comes
with another R!  Repetition!  BWAHAHAHA!!!"  Dr. Forrester
laughed as Joel and the bots exchanged nervous glances.   

     "Oh yes, and it also contains plenty of brainwashing, so feel
free to let that rub off on you cause hey, it makes my job that much
easier."  Dr. Forrester smirked.  "It's '12 Months and a Year', and
believe me, you'll wish it only felt THAT long.  Send 'em the fanfic,
Frank..."

    "Om nom nom... Mmm?  MMMPH!"  Frank quickly replied
with a mouthful of caramel as he rushed over to the console and
fed the fanfic into the machine as Dr. Forrester sighed and shook
his head.


***


SATELLITE OF LOVE

    "Candy glass and tapioca toothpicks I can forgive, but Green
Tea Pocky with PEANUT BUTTER!?  That's just... unforgivable!"
Tom growled.

    "Don't let him get to you, Tommy.  Save that energy for the
fanfic." Joel suggested.

    "So we're finally doing Street Fighter, huh?  Oh man, I hope
this thing doesn't star Ryu, he is so BORRRING!"

    "Unless he's evil."  Tom added.

    "Yeah, how sad is that?" Crow replied as multicoloured lights
flashed and alarms began to wail.

    "Ohh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!"  Joel cried out.


(Door 6: It's a bathroom stall door with writing on it.  It says
"THERE WAS A TOILET HERE, IT'S GONE NOW.  You frown and hold
your nose as you pass through it.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator with an eerie green glow
coming from it.  Both sets of doors open for you but just before
you can step on it, it suddely drops down at a frightening speed.  
A few moments later, you hear a loud crashing noise and terrified
screams of people.  You manage to jump over the shaft hole and
continue on.)

(Door 4: It's made of loose teeth.  You quickly grab all the
pillows you can find, sweep the teeth into a pile and throw the
pillows over them in hopes of a giant payday from the tooth
fairy.

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed animals.  That is to say,
REAL cute stuffed animals.  You shudder and do your best not to
touch them with your hands as you move on.)

(Door 2. It's made of black tar.  The smell nearly overwhelms you
as Johnathan Frakes face briefly emerges from it, his mouth open
in a silent scream before sinking back in.  Then an Ankh floats
from behind you and touches the tar door.  It vanishes as you
hear a child's laughter in the distance.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling,
revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground.
Suddenly a guy dressed as a knight shoves past you, nearly
knocking you into the moat where a tentacled monster start
to rise.  You quickly hit up on your joystick and then right
to quickly cross the drawbridge before it can get you and you
are rewarded with a fanfare of trumpets.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling orange vortex.  Suddenly a large furry
hand reaches out of its center, pets you on the head and calls
you George before pulling you inside.)

    Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in
his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

Tom: Okay, that was... weird.

Joel: Still, nice effects, Crow.  Good job!

Crow: Uh... yeah... I... totally did that... sure.


>*12 months and a year*
>By: sske

Tom: Ah, the bloated sequel to six minutes and a second.


>Prologue (1)
>
>1

Crow: Wow, that was exciting.  

Joel: Yeah, I can hardly wait for Epilogue (1).


>"… And we will continue shortly, after this groovy music!" The
>pink-haired girl's voice rang out cheerfully as she slipped a music
>record and turned off the microphone.

Tom: It's far better than those birth records she used to play.


>Although her voice sounded jovial, Senor Adriano couldn't help but
>noticed how his employee was sweating profusely, even though the
>air conditioner was on full blast.

Crow: <pink-haired girl> I can't help it, these are some hot beats!


>He watched as she slumped on her black leather desk chair, her left
>hand gripping the armrest with such intensity that the man wondered
>if it would break under the pressure.

Joel: <girl> So hot... so why did I sit in a LEATHER CHAIR!!?


>Her right hand reached up to her damp forehead and attempted to wipe
>the sweat there. She was looking agitated and uncomfortable; her mouth
>curled to a frown as she furiously massaged her temple.

Tom: <girl> If I have to listen to that damn Gummy Bear song
one more time...!!


>"/Estas bien, Senorita?" /Senor Adriano asked with concern.

Crow: <girl> /Sí, estoy solo color de rosa!  Idiota./


>This girl, who was barely 17, came to his house one rainy day about 2
>months ago. She was suffering from hypothermia and was cold to the
>bones.

Joel: Wait, she was suffering from hypothermia and now she's
roasting... where the heck is this scene taking place?

Tom: Hell, Norway?

Crow: Natch.


>Senor Adriano took pity of her and allowed her to stay with him,
>given that she could remember who she was and where she was.
>There were no forms of personal belonging on her, and the clothes
>she was wearing were old hand-me-downs. Attempts to unearth
>who she was always met with a dead end.

Joel: And all her Watchtowers were soaked and unreadable.


>Normally, Senor Adriano wouldn't think of allowing her to work for
>him at his radio station, due to her age and her lack of a work permit
>and being a complete stranger.

Crow: But free interns having such a high turnover rate, he'd be
a fool NOT to hire her!


>But after discovering her bubbly nature and her love of talking (after
>recovering from her ailments), he decided to relent and let her work
>there.

Tom: Because that put her into a soundproof booth.


>So far everything had been going smoothly
>and there were no bumps on the road.
>
>Until 2 days ago.

Joel: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Crow: Actually, it was the M. Night Shyamalan version so
nobody cared.


>As he wrapped his arms around the girl, he felt her trembling slightly.
>He couldn't see her face as her huge curls acted as an obstruction.

Tom: Tell me, Joel, has any of your employers ever just held you
when you were feeling bad?

Joel: Uh, I really can't talk about it, the lawsuit is still pending.


>"Josefa(He called her that, since she did not have a name.)? If you are
>not feeling well, maybe we should call it a day, it's almost 10pm"
>Senor Adriano spoke.

Tom: It's Mexican Radio *After Dark*...

Crow: <Senor Adriano> I'll take over your shift... oops, I'm on!  "Uh...
that was... somebody singing... something!  And now... here's more music
from... a band that plays... music you'll like!  Yeah, baby!


>"I'm fine, I … I just having a migraine." Josefa sighed audibly. "I just
>feel weird, like there something nagging in my brain…" her head hung as
>though in defeat.

Joel: <Josefa's brain as voiced by Gilbert Gottfried> FOR GOD'S
SAKE, IT'S BEEN MONTHS AND YOU STILL CAN'T REMEMBER *ANYTHING*!?
AT LEAST DO A CROSSWORD PUZZLE OR SOMETHING, I'M DYING HERE!!!


>" No worry, let's go home. I will call someone else to take over you,
>okay? I…" Before Senor Adriano could finished, Josefa screamed shrilly,
>her whole body shook violently, her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

Tom: Those Chris Brown songs hit the women like a ton of bricks,
don't they?


>Senor Adriano was taken back by surprise. But before he could react to
>this strange situation, it stopped. Josefa stood stiffly, like a stature, her
>eyes staring blankly at him.

Crow: ...like a dead fissure?


>"Josefa?" Senor Adriano inched forward; fear suddenly took hold of him,
>though he knew not why. "Are…" he stopped when Josefa spoke up.

Tom: <Josefa> I've... I've been moonlighting on NPR.

Crow: <Adriano> I CAN'T SPONSOR YOUUUUUU!!


>"Designated codename: Enero. Online." She droned.

Crow: D'aww, she's about to kill her first president.   Isn't
that precious?

Tom: Either that or the Queen.  Stop her, Enrico Palazzo!!


>A sudden flash of red in her eyes was the last thing he saw before 2
>powerful hands gripped his throat.

Joel: She's just as frustrated as we are over Top 40 playlists
nowadays.


>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Crow: No, no, you only need to sign X once, dearie.

Joel: <hushed VO> Here you see the mama X leading her babies
to the alphabet soup.


>" One down, eleven to go"

Tom: "Enero Does a Dozen"!  Starring Yulvana Blowjob as Enero
and Dick Current as The Unsuspecting Mailman with a Package.


>2
>
>"Ohhh, /Mademoiselle/ , which dress do you think look better on
>me, hmmm?" The plump convivial lady chirped brightly as she place
>a flowery dress over her body and admiring herself at a body
>length mirror.

Crow: Gah!  Pick a tense and stick with it, will ya?


>/None of them, porc./ The pink short hair girl thought with a mental
>sigh, but she forced herself to smile radiantly. " Well, the dress you
>are currently holding sure fits you perfectly, like a glove."

Joel: <girl> All fifty dresses look SPLENDID!  And I swear I'm
not on commission!

Tom: <girl> Have we checked our stock of girdles?


>Her sarcastic remark was lost to the woman, who frowned and shook her
>head,
>
>"/Non, //il ne regarde pas assez bon./ Please, find better dresses! All
>these dresses you selected looked horrible!" The woman exclaimed bluntly.

Crow: <girl> Yeah, your assez is pas bon, lemme tell yew whut.


>Ophelie felt her throbbing headache getting worse as he glared daggers
>at the narcissistic woman. /You fat bitch…/ She thought irritably as she
>looked back at the heaps of clothes she pulled out just for this woman.

Joel: <Ophelie> Hmm, I could hide the body in there...

Crow: <Ophelie> Suddenly Al Bundy doesn't seem like such a jerk.


>Ophelie wondered why she decided to become a clothing store assistant,
>probably because of her love of clothing or the more major reason of
>feeding her stomach.

Joel: It's because she likes to EAT THE CUSTOMERS.

Tom: She'll have leftovers for days with this woman.


>Her earliest memory was when she woke up in a dingy little house, on a
>bed with a elderly couple tending to her injuries and exhaustion.

Crow: <Ophelie> Worst... threesome... ever.


>They told her that they found her just lying in a dark alleyway 2 months
>ago when they were on their way home one day. Thinking she was some
>homeless child and seeing the cuts and bruises on her body, they decide
>to bring her to their abode.

Joel: <old man> Hot damn, Martha!  Finally, the coat rack we've been
looking for!

Tom: 1% of all runaway kids are never seen again... because clueless
old people take them home.


>When they questioned her identity, to her surprise and horror, she
>couldn't remember a single thing. The elderly couple decided to
>christen her as Ophelie, which she thought was a beautiful name.

Crow: Unfortunately her new last name was Nutmeg.

Tom: And it seemed appropriate considering her forked tongue.


>She decided to take a job at a clothing store to help keep ends meet,
>being the sole breadwinner of this 'family'. She regretted her decision
>almost instantly.

Joel: Especially when the clothing store read "WAL*MART" on the
outside.


>/The reason why I'm still here, you little shit, is because I was lucky
>the manager decided not to ask for any identification. /Ophelie thought
>before a sudden pang of pain shot through her head, causing her to bend
>forward slightly.

Joel: Looks like somebody... (puts on a pair of sunglasses)... hit the
snooze on the sleeper.

Tom: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!


>"What are you waiting for, /Mademoiselle, /find me better dresses!" The
>woman retorted, unaware of Ophelie's predicament.

Crow: <Ophelie> Sorry, Ma'am, the circus won't be in town for
another week.

Tom: Zing!


>"It hurts, it hurts so much!" Ophelie screamed out, unable to block
>the pain any longer.

Crow: One hour later, the police arrived to find the body of an
obese woman crushed to death in a size 00 dress.

Joel: Death by glamour.


>It felt like something dark was worming its way into
>her mind, breaking all her defenses, until…until…

Joel: <Earthworm Jim> GAHHHHROOVY!!!


>A few patrons turned their head to her direction, wondering what caused
>the outburst. The woman took a uncertain step as Ophelie began to shake
>violently, spittle flying out of her mouth. Then she stopped.

Tom: <Ophelie> Sorry, minor seizure, now what was your size again?

Joel: And THAT'S why employees need at least an hour for lunch.


>The plump woman was figuring how to complain to the manager of such
>bizarre display of action when she saw Ophelie's inhuman red eyes and
>unnatural standing position, like a staure.

Crow: <Woman> No matter how you try to fake it, you're not a mannequin.  
Now get me more size 4's to try on.


>"Designated codename: Fevrier. Online"

All: <singing> Night Fevrier, night Fevrier... she knows how to kill YOU!


>The woman did not have time to scream before a sharp kick to the head
>shattered her cranium and ended her existence.

Joel: Boot to the head never felt so sweet.


>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Crow: <whistles the theme to 'The X-Files'>

Tom: THIS RIFF HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN FOR A
COPYRIGHT CLAIM FROM 20TH CENTURY FOX.

Crow: Oh, bite me!


>"Two down, ten to go."
>
>3
>
>"Excuse me, /Frau."/

Tom: Not exactly the catchphrase that captured the hearts of America.

Crow: <Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw> "That's Our Fuhrer!"


>The purple-haired girl looked up from the doodling on her notebook
>and into the eyes of a young burly youth.

Joel: <Ranma Saotome> Draw me like one of those Jusenkyo girls.

Tom: <Shampoo> Okay!  *splash* Shampoo start over!


>She found herself blushing almost immediately, slamming her notebook shut
>so that he would see her childish drawings.

Crow: <teacher> For the record, miss, I am NOT a wiener man, nor a
doo-doo head and I'll see you in my office after school.


>"Yes? How c-can I he-elp y-you?" she stuttered, mentally cursing herself
>for having this speech impediment. It always made her sound like a fool
>and idiot and she wished she could get rid of this annoying pest.

Tom: Which is why she threw her considerable talent into
drawing!.... wait.


>The youth seemed amused at her difficulty in speaking, but was a
>gentleman enough to avoid making fun of her. Instead, he asked
>" I seemed to have a problem with my library card, could you
>please help me scan it again so I could borrow my books?" he
>smiled warmly.

Crow: <girl> Certainly, you DO have 15 forms of ID, right?


>Conradina's was lost in those warm blue eyes, it just feel so…friendly,
>so…

Joel: Suddenly a floater appeared and broke the mood.


>She managed to snap out of her trance and immediately focusing on her
>task, taking his library card with sweaty palms and grabbing hold of
>huge tome, shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts.

Tom: <youth> Oh man, this'll take a while... still, I swore to read
the book before I saw the movie.


>"/Psychology: The Study of the Unknown", /the title of the tome stood
>out in golden letters.

Crow: The prequel to "/Reverse-Psychology: Fine, Don't Buy My
Book, I Don't Care, Go Read Another Stupid Comic Then, Dummy!"/.


>Conradina grimaced slightly at the title. How ironic. Here she was, having no
>memories of her past, suddenly finding herself in Germany with no knowledge
>of how she got here 2 months ago.

Tom: Actually, it was *3* months ago, but she lost another month
trying to regain her memory by hitting herself in the head.

Joel: Still, having access to all that bratwurst WAS pretty sweet.


>She was so afraid back then; she's certainly no lionheart. She would
>have lost her mind from fear if she didn't find an orphanage.

Crow: Now fear is her bitch.


>The kind people there took her in since she was still 17 or so. They provided
>her with warm food and shelter and showered love on her, making her feel
>blessed.
  
Tom: Did any of this involve a kennel?

Joel: <motherly> Eat your milk bone dear, so your teeth will grow big
and strong!


>When they asked where were her parents though, her mind would
>immediately draw a blank, panic started bubbling in her guts and she
>would burst into tears. They later recommended her to the national
>library to work as a librarian.

Crow: Yeah, nothing beats depression like the Dewey Decimal System.


>/How I hate this feeling of the unknown/. She grimaced again as her
>headache returned with a vengeance. /And this stupid headache too.
>How many days have it been?/

Joel: <Conradina> What does "Inception" mean?

Tom: I don't know, but the trailer music may explain her headache.


>"You are beautiful, /hübsche dame."/
>
>Conradina looked up sharply, a gasp stuck in her throat as her blush
>began to deepen to a dark shade of red.

Joel: <Conradina> WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?


>"/D-D-Danke/." She whispered timidly as her hand holding the card began to
>tremble slightly, her heart was beating furiously in her chest.

All: DRUM SOLO!!!


>/He's…He's flirting with me!/ She thought joyfully, temporarily forgetting
>her task and her headache. /No boy ever done that to me before…Mein Gott…/

Crow: So no one's attempted to pick up the nerdy yet available librarian
chick?  Ja, right.


>Her pleasant thoughts were cut short when the headache returned, but
>this time it felt like her head was splitting. She fell forward, banging
>her elbows on the marble desk as tears leaked from her eyes.

Joel: It was almost as painful as her daily paper cut.


>/Make it stop make it stop make it stop…, /her thoughts became more
>and more meaningless as she felt herself slipping into darkness.

Crow: The sad but inevitable conclusion to pursuing a career in the
library.

Tom: You should absolutely get one of the thesauruses down, give us
some amazing synonyms right now.

Joel: "Cease". "End." "Complete."


>A sudden scream shook the boy and many library-goers to their core, it
>sounded like a banshee to him.

Tom: Uh-oh, Conan the Librarian has returned from the wilds of the
biography stacks.


>He watched in terror as the girl he had a crush on writhed on the desk
>like a dying snake.

Joel: With the exception of the dying part, that actually sounds
kinda hot.

Crow: He quickly ran over to the CDs, found some Def Leppard, and
blasted "Pour Some Sugar On Me" over the PA system.

Tom: Oooh, baby, tell me you're shedding your skin next.  Rawr.


>Suddenly she stopped.  

Joel: <old woman> Young miss, this is a library and you're the
librarian! Have you any manners?

Crow: <Conradina> Old bat, I am fetish fuel in a fanfic.  Hush up and
find your singles.


>Before he could voice his concern, however, she spoke, standing as
>though she was a soldier in attention. A brief flash of red glowered
>in her brown eyes.

Tom: <Conradina> I'M LOOKING FOR SARAH CONNOR.


>"Designated codename: Marz. Online."

Tom: <Conradina as Arnold Schwarzenegger> GET YOUR ASS TO ME.


>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> "Three down, nine to go."
>
>4

Tom: No, I said THREE!  Pay attention!

Joel: Next agent -- is at a Taco Bell!  After that... is an Uber driver!

Crow: And then... brace yourself... a house realtor!


>" Would you hurry up?! We are going to be late for school!" the little
>boy whined at his red-haired sister.

Crow: Oh, we missed it... it's the bus driver.  

Tom: No, it's not the bus driver.  Aunt Jemima has topped her LAST
PANCAKE.


>He was already in his school uniform and was impatiently stamping his feet
>on the polished wooden floor, creating a racket loud enough to wake up the
>dead.

Joel: Geez, what's the rush, kid?  Is it pizza day at school or
something?


>Michele groaned irritably and using her arm to prop herself to a sitting
>position on her bed. She was having a hell of a headache already and
>this din was not making things any better.

Tom: <Michele> Look, here's twenty bucks, kid.  Go to McDonalds,
I'll come pick you up... *yawns* ...eventually... ZZZZzzzz....


>As she strolled lazily into her bathroom, she couldn't help but think how loud
>and annoying her brother was. Or at least she tried to see him as her brother.

Tom: Ah, we must be in Japan now.

Joel: Notice me, onii-chan!!

Crow: Well, a yandere WOULD be more suited to being a sleeper
assassin.


>2 months ago, she woke up in a Italian police station.

Crow: "woke up", eh?

Tom: <Michele> No more Negroni... uuuaaauuuggghhh...


>Confused and frightened by her surroundings and to add oil to fire, she
>had no recollection of her past.

Tom: <policeman> Your last name wouldn't happen to be Bourne,
would it?


>After she woke up, she was given some sandwich to eat, which she devoured
>like a ravished wolf.

Joel: They kept her well away from the donuts.


>Then she was being questioned about her identity, which she honestly told
>them she couldn't remember.

Tom: <Policeman> Who were you on the night of the twelfth!?

Crow: <girl> Got something in a missing Kardashian sister?  Perhaps a
trophy wife in Naples who's gone missing?


>Michele heard one of the policemen muttered "Amnesia." And her blood ran
>cold. She couldn't have amnesia, could she? The thought alone send chills
>down her spine.

Crow: <singing> Born of cold and winter air, and mountain rain combing...

Joel: Crow, NO.  Just let it go.  

Tom: PLEASE.


>She spent a few days in a jail cell (the police thinking she must be a
>asylum seeker due to the lack of identification papers on her),

Joel: She was having such a good time, she LITERALLY forgot
all her troubles.


>until finally, a family of 3 identified her as one of their kin, thanks
>to the small news of her appearance.

Crow: Lost and Found: Three boobed Amnesia victim.  Come to
Police Station to claim.

Joel: <family> THAT'S OUR BABY!


>When they first entered the cell, she looked at them curiously, as she
>never seen them before. The moment her family laid their eyes on her,
>they immediately rushed forward, crying tears of joy and sprouting out
>blessing and thanks to who-know-who.

Tom: Jim Sterling?

Crow: They're prepping for the next Aristocrats joke.  Better find the
skintight spandex, hope you don't mind scat.


>"/Soella!/" The little boy cried out, hugging his sister tightly, who
>just stare at him strangely. "Who…who are you people?" she questioned ,
>trying to released herself out of the embrace of her little brother.

Tom: <announcer's voice> It's your NEW FAMILY!!!

Crow: <imitates studio audience cheering>

Joel: "Soella Who?"  Coming this fall on ABC!


>Gasps of shock echoed in the tiny cell. The man took a step forward, his
>lips trembling as he spoke, " Don't you remember us? We are your family."

Crow: <Michele> I hate you!  Stop reading my diary!  Now I
remember why I wanted to forget you!


>Michele shook her head as she splashed some water on her face, trying to
>forget her shock and disbelief.

Joel: Hasn't she forgotten enough already?


>It was cringe worthy now that she thought it, her reaction must had been
>laughable.  Of course after their introduction, she lived with them for
>the past 2 months and to be honest, it wasn't very easy.

Tom: <Michele> Living with hoarders is one thing, but dear God
why did it have to be BEANIE BABIES!?


>It was disconcerting to bid 2 strangers goodnight and handle to a
>hyperactive child she almost felt no love for.

Joel: Mama June feels your pain.

Crow: Welcome to adulthood, even if it is early.


>At least things were getting better now and she felt closer to them
>(maybe less for her brother) and she attended school and make some
>new friends. Life was peaceful for a while.
>
>Until today.

Tom: The invasion came without warning. There had been no declaration
of war, no news programs to say it was going to happen.  It simply
happened.


>As Michele exited her bathroom fully changed to a sleeveless white
>shirt and jeans, her headache suddenly took a turn for the worse
>and she stumbled to the ground, her face a mask of pain.

Joel: Her headache is flatlining!  Quick, somebody break a vase
over her head!


>/Go away, you stupid thing, go-/ her eyes suddenly widened as she felt
>a dark presence entered her brain, twisting every cog and wheels inside,
>all for its malicious purpose.

Crow: Yeah, trojans are a real bitch.

Joel: Wait, she's a robot?

Tom: Oh sure, make the ROBOT the killer.  How very original!


>The little boy arrived at his sister's side when he saw her thrashing
>violently on the ground as though electrocuted, a scream emitting from
>her mouth.

Tom: <girl> WEEEOOOOH...! WEEEEOOOOOOH...!

Crow: <boy> And bad breath!  No wonder I call you "Halito-Sis".


>"/Madre, Padre/, come quickly! Sister is hurt!" the boy
>yelled for his parents desperately, looking at the doorway.

Joel: <Padre> Did anyone think to keep the receipt the police
gave us?  Maybe trade her in on a used drug dog?


>Footsteps can be heard resounding down the corridor, but they
>would not arrive in time to see her horrifying sight.

Crow: That's what she gets for Googling the Hulk Hogan Sex Tape.

Tom: Gahhh!


>Suddenly, the boy felt no movement from his sister. He glanced upwards
>only to see her standing still and stiff, like a plastic doll.

Joel: <boy> Kid Sister™!?  Wow, my wish came true!


>The boy knew something was wrong, very wrong when her eyes
>flashed red.

Crow: Then her eyes flashed green and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Tom: <brother> I swear I haven't been in your underwear drawer!! ...in
the last week.


>"Designated codename: Aprile. Online."

Tom: If it was only twenty years ago, she could be America Online.

Crow: Her special power would be throwing free CDs at people.

Joel: Along with ninja dodging power when people threw them back.


>She then turned her attention to the petrified boy.
>
>Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >"Four down, eight to go"

Tom: Eight more of these murderdeathkills?

Crow: Apparently we're reading the fanfic equivalent of
'1000 Ways to Die'.


>5
>
>" Focus, Komako! You need to concentrate!" The old man said, his long
>white beard flowed gently in the cool breeze.

Joel: And now we've managed to go full Uncle Iroh.

Tom: Either that or we've wandered into 'Kill Bill: Vol. 2'.

Crow: Damn it, not every white bearded old man is Pai Mei!  It could
be Gen... or Priest White Brows... or one of the dozens of white-haired
villains from countless Kung-Fu movies...!

Joel: <chuckling> Okay, Crow, okay...


>In front of him stood a teenage girl with short dark hair, who was
>panting from the effort she put in.

Tom: <Komako> I'm trying my best!  Really!  But I just don't see
the space ship!

Crow: <old man> It's a MAGIC picture, fool!  You have to believe!
Now CONCENTRATE!


>" /Gomen nasai, Sensei," /the girl known as Komako bowed before
>resuming to a defensive stance, both hands gripping onto a katanna,
>which gleamed in the evening light.

Tom: [smirking] You SURE this isn't Pai Mei?

Crow: *sighs* If he jumps onto her sword, we'll talk.


>The old man sighed before reuming to his own defensive stance with
>a similar katanna in his hands.

Joel: Samurai Futaba is getting too old for this shit.


>In a flash, the girl sprinted forward before viciously swinging her blade
>towards the old man. He casually raised his katanna to block the attack,
>a metallic clang could be heard when the metals collided.

Tom: That metallic clang wasn't the swords, that was the old man's
hip replacement.


>Immediately, she dropped to the ground, attempting to sweep-kick the old
>man's feet. The old man leaped into the air and did a back flipped
>before landing a distance away from the girl.

Joel: Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader.

Tom: Crouching Teenager, Hidden Plot.


>Komako rushed towards the old man before jumping into the air and
>slashing her katanna downwards to him.

Crow: This is how she always opens her Chef Boyardee at home too.


>The old man dodged out of the way using his katanna to shield him before
>grabbing the girl in mid-air and sending her forcefully to the ground.

Tom: Time slowed to a crawl as she bounced painfully on the ground,
her scream of pain echoing...

Crow: <Street Fighter Announcer> YOU LOSE!  9...!  8...!


>Then with the speed of a striking cobra, he poised the katanna near the
>throat of his downed opponent, "

Tom: <old man> I'm done training you.  My timeshare in Boca Raton is
calling me.


>Sloppy." he commented, his tone indicating that he was not pleased with
>her performance. He moved the katanna away from her so she could stand
>up.

Joel: <old man> Samurai Showdown?  More like Samurai SLOWdown!


>"Forgive me…" She murmured before collapsing to the ground on all fours,
>panting heavily. The old man shook his head in disappointment. How is
>she going to improve if this continued?

Crow: Perhaps she could use the power of love and friendship?

Tom: Or failing that, a proton cannon?


>The old man thought back 2 months ago when he found this girl wandering
>aimlessly around the forest in the mountain near his dojo.

Joel: <old man> Hey, this is my Pokemon Go territory!  Go away!


>The girl was heavily malnourished, having not eaten for days and was near
>death. He saved her and brought her to his dojo, where he fed her warm
>food and provided shelter from the harsh outside world.

Tom: In return, she kept his feet warm in the winter, fetched his paper
in the morning and barked furiously at intruders.


>When she recovered, he found out that she couldn't remember who she was
>or how she ended up in the mountainous region.

Crow: Then he noticed her breath smelled like Rugby player and wisely
refrained from asking any more questions.


>The old man sympathized her plight and allowed her to stay with him,
>even participating in the training he gave to his students.

Joel: <old man> Wipe down his forehead!  Change the practice mats!

Crow: <old man> Another 500 squats, this time directly over my crotch!
 Don't question me, just do it!


>She managed to astonish him with her professional swordsmanship,
>causing him to wonder how she got that touch.

Tom: He suspected a Matrix of Leadership but got a dirty look when
he asked to examine her chest more closely.

Joel: Just wait till he finds out she's not left handed.


>Komako had been improving steadily under his guidance, pleasing him
>in every lesson.
>
>Until a few days ago.

Tom: <Komako> After playing "Undertale", I have decided to renounce
fighting forever!  OW!  What'd you hit me for?


>The old man eyed her trembling form, wondering if she was ill.

Joel: <Komako> S-So cold... I need the stuff... please, I need it bad...

Crow: <old man> Foolish child!  Did William S. Sessions teach you
nothing!?


>It started a few days ago, when she would complain about headaches that
>were so severe that once she couldn't lift herself out of bed.

Tom: Massive head trauma from years of fighting?  NAHHH!!!


>He started towards her and asked "Are you alright?"Komako stood up with
>shaking legs and tiredly nodded affirmative.

Joel: <Komako> I'm only mostly dead.


>"You seems tired. Let's continue tomorrow." The tired girl smiled gratefully
>towards her master before it turned to a scream.

Crow: Then Scream 2, then Scream 3, and then it *really* became
repetitive and derivative.


>Immediately, the old man grabbed her before she falls and at the same
>time, sensing a huge amount of pure evil energy in the air, so evil that
>the old man could feel the temperature of the field outside of his dojo
>dropped rapidly.

Joel: <old man> Hmm, knee's swelling up... that means evil's a-coming.


>/What am I sensing?/ He thought in horror before realizing the girl
>was not in his arms anymore.

Joel: <old man> Sensei-sense tingling...!

Tom: Trust Fall Fail.


>In fact, she stood a few feet away from him, standing still like a
>sentinel of the field, her eyes devoid of any emotion.  /How-/ he
>couldn't finish his train of thoughts when Komako suddenly appeared
>in front of him-almost as if she teleported-and slashed the unprepared
>man in the chest with her katanna.

Crow: <Komako> HA!  FINALLY caught you off-guard!  Uh... you
can stop bleeding anytime now... oh crap.

Tom: <old man> Free open-heart surgery!  Thanks Obamacare!


>The force of the slash threw the old man off his feet and landing on the
>ground, his blood seeping from his wound and mixing with the soil.

Joel: Oh man, being wounded is bad enough but now it's sure to
become infected!


>He grimaced in pain and looked up, seeing his student looming over him
>emotionlessly. " Komako, how… why…" the old man said weakly, his
>vision blurring, but not enough to miss seeing her eyes turned red.

Crow: It was Komako, in the dojo, with the katana.  It doesn't take
Detective Conan to figure this out.


>"Designated codename: Satsuki. Online"
>
>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
&g t;"Five down, seven to go."

Joel: <singing> On the seventh day of Christmas, my true
love gave to me... seven packs of smokes,

Tom: <singing> Six packs of two-four!

All: <singing> Five golden toques!

Crow: <singing> Four pounds of back bacon,

Tom: <singing> Three French toast,

Joel: <singing> Two turtlenecks,

All: And a beer... in a treeeeee!!!

Tom: Whew, fun.


>Prologue (2)
>
>6

Joel: <singing> Then put your little hand in mine... There ain't
no hill or mountain we can't climb...

Tom: Okay campers, rise and shine and don't forget your booties
cause it's COOOLD out there today!

Crow: Well, we've had six of one prologue, time for half a dozen of
the other.


>/Something's her mind./

Crow: Uhh, what is a brain, Alex?

Joel: Somewhere's the rest of the predicate.


>That's what flashed through Cammy's mind when she watched the short
>orange-haired girl.

Tom: Ah, finally!  Six chapters in and we have our first principal
character!

Crow: Now if we can just figure out which edition of Street Fighter II
this is, we'll be in business!


>Juni was fidgeting on her seat, her eyes staring blankly at the mug
>she was gripping tightly with her hands.

Joel: <Cammy, muffled> Umm, could you please let go of my face?


>The aroma of home-brewed tea wafted lazily in the suddenly tense room.

Tom: Because when you think of Street Fighter Two Hyper Alpha Super X,
you think chamomile tea and relaxation.


>Cammy stared intensively at the girl who, just 2 months ago, was a
>brainwashed assassin who killed many innocent lives for the most
>dangerous man in the world, all against her free will.

Joel: Yeah, that'll happen when you work for Nic Cage.


>/Just like how I once was./

Crow: <Cammy> And after that, when I was brainwashed by M. Bison,
I really raised some hell!


>" A penny for your thoughts?" the silence was dissipated by her voice.  
>
>Juni shifted slightly on her seat before getting up from the table. She
>walked silently to the window, which was facing the west, just in time
>to see the crimson-red sun disappearing over the horizon. Cammy
>followed suit without a word.

Tom: <Juni> This tea is liquid shit.


>"The nightmares, they returned again when I had an afternoon nap." She
>spoke so softly, Cammy had to strain her ears in order to hear her.

Joel: <Juni, sing-songy voice> ONE... TWO... FREDDY'S COMING
FOR YOU...

Tom: Juni's getting Cammy prepared for a jump-scare.... any second
now... ANNNNNNY SECOND NOW...


>Cammy nodded her head in sympathy. She had the same problems as Juni
>during the first month of her new life.

Joel: <Cammy> I kept dreaming I was Kylie Minogue... I don't
even LIKE pop music!


>To say they weren't pleasant would be the understatement for the year. They
>were downright horrifying that Cammy developed insomnia then, of course
>they went away, but still…

Crow: It's so easy to cure insomnia.  Just sleep on it.


>How Juni got to London still puzzled Cammy.

Joel: Plane?

Crow: Bus?

Tom: VIA Rail?  No wait, I'm thinking of London, Ontario.


>It was 2 months ago when a group of park-goers found her lying on a
>bench in Hyde Park unconscious.

Tom: Coincidentally, the mangled remains of a group of park-goers
were found in Jekyll Park the night before.


>She was still wearing her Shadaloo uniform and given the company's
>notorious reputation, it didn't need an Einstein to figure out who
>she was.

Joel: She's clearly a member of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist
organization determined to rule the world!


>They quickly informed the authorities to take her away.

Crow: <Policeman> Right, what's all this then?  Oh, bugger me
sideways, another one of those Shadaloo tarts!  Blimey, they're
coming out of the woodwork, they is.  Well then, on your feet, Missy!


>Once they had her under custody, they informed Colonel Wolfman of
>Delta Red, who informed Cammy of their new 'guest'.

Joel: Under custody?  Actually, never mind.  I'm happier not
knowing.


>When Cammy entered the interrogation room, she felt nervous. But
>when she saw Juni slumped wearily on her seat, all her nervousness
>was replaced with concern.

Tom: <Cammy> Her posture is horrible!  She'll suffer back pain
later in life if she doesn't change her ways!


>Her eyes wasn't dead and lifeless like a robot, but filled with
>emotion like shock, fear, confusion…

Tom: <imitating zombie> NGGGHHH... BRAINS... ITCHY... TASTY...

Crow: Speaking of dead and lifeless, Cammy, how's your victims
doing?  OOH, BURN!

Joel: <chuckling> FYI, robots are filled with emotion like
sensitivity.


>After questioning her, Cammy found out that the girl couldn't remember
>anything, not her time as an assassin of Shadaloo nor how she got to
>London.

Tom: <Juni, singing> Am-me-sia is awe-some!  Am-mes-ia is cool
when you're part of a team...  That killed lots of peo-ple!  Now
for-got-ten like a dream!


>Initially, the Colonel wanted to keep her in custody for further
>questioning, but she rebuked by saying it would be pointless
>considering she had lost her memories and at the same time being
>in custody could further scar the poor girl's already disturbed mind.

Crow: So they tagged and released Juni into the wild so she could
run free and play with the other brainwashed dolls.


>In the end, Colonel Wolfman relented and allowed Juni to stay with
>Cammy.

Joel: Because accused murderers are AWESOME houseguests.

Tom: '2 Broken Girls'.  Coming this fall to CBS!


>In the 2 months spent with her, Cammy taught Juni about society,
>politics and economy and how to act normal in the public.

Crow: Are we watching a chick flick now?

Joel: <Cammy> Girl, you're gonna learn how to get on your own
two feet and the most important thing a woman can have... a good man!

Tom: How Juni Got Her Groove Back.


>So far, she was doing pretty when. At least she didn't walked out of
>a clothing store without paying.

Joel: That would've be an biggest mistaken.

Tom: Agreeing total within you.

Crow: Words.


>Cammy's train of thoughts was interrupted by a gasp from Juni.

Joel: This is my stop!


>The girl stumbled forward, one hand clutching her head while the
>order hanged onto the window sill for support. "It hurts, it hurts so
>much…" Juni panted, her eyes shut tightly in pain and fresh tears
>were forming there.

Tom: She wants to do the genocide route so bad but just can't
bring herself to kill Papyrus.

Crow: Heh, who could?


>"Juni! Are you all right?" Cammy bent down and placed a comforting
>hand on her Juni's shoulder, only for her to be brushed aside forcefully.

Joel: Oh, we're breaking into a rendition of Absolutely Fabulous?

Crow: Not nearly enough vodka for that.

Tom: For them or for us?

Crow: Yes.