Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Double Impact, Part 2 ( Chapter 12 )

Announcer: In the last episode of Kazuya Knows Best... (some of these scenes may have been edited out of the final version)

(Kazuya meets his double)

Kazuya 1: Why, I'm...Kazuya Mishima!

(Kazuya learns that he is a clone)

Kazuya: That clone...was you.

(Bryan Fury wakes up with a hangover, feeling a man's arm lying on his chest)

Bryan: ...OH MY GOD, IT'S MOKUJIN!

Announcer: And now for the thrilling conclusion...

(Kazuya, the original, is reading the paper)

Jin: (enters) Hi, Dad!

Kazuya: How did my boy do in school today?

Jin: Great, I got an A on my English Literature test!

Kazuya: Hmm. Really.....you know, son, there's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about...

Jin: What is it, Dad?

Kazuya: Son, it's time you started to follow in your old man's footsteps, you need to start taking fewer classes like literature, poetry, art, or anything that allows freedom of expression.

Jin: But Dad, that's the only time when I can express my pent-up teen angst!

Kazuya: Bah, you kids need to stop wallowing in your self-pity, questioning the meaninglessness of your lives and how pointless the career world is when you're alive for a mere eight decades before dying and facing possible oblivion assuming this religion you've clinged to your entire existance has been a complete sham, and instead act like adults, by working your entire life to get a high-paying job so you can earn money you don't even need. Just like your father.

Jin: Yes, Dad... (leaves)

Kazuya: Remember, this world needs less artists and more accountants! (goes back to reading his paper)

Announcer: Hah, hah. That's our Kazuya. But what about the other Kazuya?

(at the Mishima National park)

Kazuya: I'm tellin' ya, with my plan, swipin' these campers' picnic baskets will be easy!

Kuma: (makes whatever sound bears make)

Kazuya: That's because I'm smarter than the average Mishima! Especially that boy, I swear I hate that f-

Ranger Wulong: What's going on here?

Kazuya: Nothing, we're just sitting here, us bears, doing bear things.

Ranger Wulong: Hmmm....you don't LOOK like a bear.

Kazuya: Of course I'm a freakin' bear, I'm just smarter than the average Mishima...I mean bear.

Ranger Wulong: Alright, but don't think I won't be watching you two.

(Kazuya and Kuma leave)

Ranger Wulong: Wait a minute! Bears don't wear red scarves! I don't think that big one was a bear at all...

(back at the Mishima home)

Kazuya: Jun, could you come here for a minute?

Jun: (enters) What is it, Kazuya?

Kazuya: Jun, my love, I've noticed, as of late, your work with a certain environmental agency...

Jun: That's right.

Kazuya: And it seems you've uncovered some illegal activities concerning a worldwide organization.

Jun: I think it's name was the Mishima Zaibatsu...

Kazuya: Yes, that's right. You know, actually, funny thing, really, I think that Mishima Zaibatsu you're busy ratting out is my company, if I'm not mistaken.

Jun: Really?

Kazuya: ......yes.

Jun: (smiles)

Kazuya: ......

(5 minutes later)

Kazuya: .......

Jun: (still smiling)

Kazuya: .....you see where I'm going with this, don't you, Jun?

Jun: I made cookies.

Kazuya: .....why I even bother is beyond me...

Lee: (enters) Hey, Kazuya, great purple suit.

Kazuya: Lee, I'm glad you're here, there's actually something I wanted to talk to you about...

Lee: What's that?

Kazuya: I realize that you enjoy a rather...'playful' lifestyle.

Lee: If by 'playful' you're trying to imply that I engage in various lewd acts with a large number of women, then yes.

Kazuya: The thing is....and I don't quite know how to put this...I don't think you're exactly a good role model for my son.

Lee: What are you saying, Kazuya?

Kazuya: I've taken the liberty to enroll you in a 'sexaholics annonymous' class. They meet on Tuesdays, in the alley behind a nearby strip club.

Lee: The one with half off on drinks every Tuesday?

Kazuya: That's it.

Lee: I think I know which one you're....hey, I'm not a 'sexaholic'!

(Lee and Kazuya freeze in place as the narrator starts talking)

Narrator: Well, once them boys got started, it took 'em a full eight minutes before they came to an agreement.

(Lee and Kazuya unfreeze)

Lee: Okay, I'll go! (leaves)

(Lee comes back in)

Lee: But I'm not promising I won't be hitting on any vulnerable, sex- addicted women. (leaves)

Kazya: I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, it's always two things on his brain, sex and multi-task robots capable of working in a variety of situations and reducing the need for manual labor. (sits down and begins reading the paper)

(in an alley behind a local Chinese restaurant)

Paul: So like, the Kazuya in the King of Iron First Tournament 4 was you, and this Kazuya in the King of Iron Fist Tournaments 1 and 2 was another one?

Kazuya: Yeah, that's about it.

Paul: Then why wasn't he in the forth tournament? Was there a limit of one Kazuya per year or something?

Kazuya: Crap, I don't know, I just found this all out 2 hours ago...

Paul: So he's living with your family now or something?

Kazuya: Yeah.

Paul: Man, if someone took my family from me, I mean if I had one, I'd do something about it, probably.

Kazuya: ....dear god. You're right. Here I am, sitting in an alley, drinking liquor that tastes like fermented urine, with a guy who hasn't been my rival in twenty years-

Paul: Correction, a guy who hasn't been the rival of the man who you're a clone of in twenty years.

Kazuya: (stands up) The point is I'm not going to stand for it anymore, I don't care who was the first Kazuya, that life was mine, and that bastard isn't going to take it away from me! (runs off)

Paul: ..... (stands up) I'm going to get a haircut.

(Paul checks his pockets)

Paul: Oh, right, I'm broke.

(at the Mishima home)

Heihachi: (comes in) Good afternoon, my son.

Kazuya: Hmm? (puts down the paper)

Heihachi: I was just thinking, why don't we do something together, just father and son?

Kazuya: Like what?

Heihachi: We could go up to the mountains, there's a nice view this time of year...

Kazuya: Really...

Heihachi: You know, some of those cliffs are pretty high...

Kazuya: Right...

Heihachi: And I don't see too well, bad depth perception. I could just walk up to the edge, completely unsuspecting, and someone behind me would only have to give me one quick shove...

Kazuya: ...maybe some other time, Father. (goes back to reading the paper)

Heihachi: F....father......I see..... (trudges off miserably)

(Kazuya bursts in through the door. The clone Kazuya)

Kazuya, the original (1): You! What do you want?!

Kazuya, the clone (2): I'm here to kick ass and get drunk, and I'm already drunk.

Kazuya 1: It's not 'kick ass and get drunk', it's 'kick ass and chew bubblegum', you idiot!

Kazuya 2: I know, but that line's trademarked, and I don't chew bubblegum, I get drunk. And sometimes I kick around the boy for fun.

Kazuya 1: Regardless, you were a fool to come back, and if you think I'll just hand everything over, you're greatly mistaken! (pulls out a gun and grabs Jun)

Jun: Kazuya!

Kazuya 1: My, what a dilemma, just a few feet away from you stands the man who took away everything, but one step, and you lose your dearest love!

Kazuya 2: I don't know how long you've been out of it, pal, but these days, your wife's life being threatened doesn't exactly rank high on a list of a man's greatest fears.

Kazuya 1: Oh, really? Fine! (throws Jun aside and aims at Kazuya 2)

Kazuya 2: Whoa, hold it, my own life being threatened DOES worry me!

Kazuya 1: .....no. (drops gun) I'm not going to kill you. Not like this.

Kazuya 2: Yeah, that's a good idea, you shouldn't kill me like that.

Kazuya 1: No, I'm going to kill you with my bare hands! (grabs Kazuya 2 by the throat and begins choking him)

(Jun picks up Kazuya 1's gun)

Kazuya: Don't just stand there!

Other Kazuya: Do something!

Jun: Which one is my Kazuya?

Kazuya: I'm the real Kazuya, Jun!

Other Kazuya: No, I am!

Kazuya: He's a liar, don't beleive a word he says!

Other Kazuya: No, he's lying, I'm the real Kazuya!

Jun: Is the real Kazuya the original Kazuya or the clone Kazuya?

Kazuya: .....uh.....he's the real Kazuya!

Other Kazuya: No, I am!

Jun: I don't know, which one do I shoot?

Kazuya: I'm your husband, Jun, you know it's me!

Jun: Kazuya....?

Other Kazuya: .......Jun, I....I don't expect you to be able to tell us apart, because maybe....maybe we're not all that different. I know I haven't been giving you the love and respect you deserve, I've been a terrible husband, and I realize now, when I look at this disgusting reflection of myself, that you should have so much more. Maybe in this crazy, mixed-up world, there's a double for everybody, in some shape or form, and if they could only meet them, they'd see what horrible, heartless monsters they are to their loved ones, and I'm fortunate enough to have been given the chance to view my own inner demons. And now that I've seen them, Jun, I swear I'm going to change. Every morning I wake up to see your beautiful face, every night I go to sleep with you lying in my arms, I'll thank heaven knowing that I'm still alive. One more chance, Jun, dear god, I just want one more chance to make you happy.

Jun: Kazuya...

(Jun shoots other Kazuya)

Heihachi: How did you know that wasn't the clone?

Jun: Because my Kazuya would never say anything sweet like that!

Kazuya: That's right, and now the real Kazuya is back!

(audience cheers)

Kazuya: ....then again....I don't know....I get the feeling I won't be appreciated around here....

Jun: Of course you will, Kazuya!

Jin: Yeah, Dad, I'd rather have your negligence over controlling parenting anyday!

Lee: You didn't interfere with my sexual exploits either!

Heihachi: And I must admit I've grown rather used to you throwing me off cliffs.

Kazuya: .....okay. But I'd like to say just one more thing, if I may. First, I hate you all. Second, I reserve the right to abandon you for a much younger and sexually appealing wife, should the need arise. And respect, I demand respect! No more crap, Jun, I'm the man of the house, and as such, I'm going to lay down the law, MY LAW, you want to give me some of that feminist lip, and I'll-

(Jun shoots Kazuya)

Jun: .....um.....the other one isn't dead, is he?

End Of Chapter 12

In case you're wondering the title for this chapter(s) was taken from a Van Damme movie, I think. Because there was two of them. There's two Kazuyas.
'Kick ass and chew bubblegum'. I don't remember what movie that was from.
Dukes of Hazzard. It's in there somewhere. Or was it Starsky and Hutch?
And that's the end of that chapter. I've got another one thought up already, but...I'm lazy, so I can't promise it'll be up for a while.