Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Kazuya PI ( Chapter 13 )

(Kazuya is in the living room watching television)

Television: This Fall, 12 contestants will compete in the ultimate challenge, by first setting themselves on fire, then stuffing poisonous scorpions down their pants, then committing unspeakable acts of beastiality, then crawling naked across broken shards of glass, then devouring human flesh, then working at Denny's for a week, and any other disgusting, humiliating acts that we think can satisfy you people, because we're a shameless network that has no one with actual intelligence working for it, so we come out with all this reality television crap, in an effort to divert attention from the fact that we haven't come out with a good show in years.

Kazuya: Who the hell would think of crap like this?

Television: Only on Fox!

Kazuya: ....oh.

Television: Coming up next, the world broadcast premiere of Black Knight!

Kazuya: GAH!!! (turns the channel)

Television: And now, Bill O'Reilly's Salute to Racial Profiling!

Kazuya: Now here's a guy I understand!

(the phone rings)

Phone: Ring! Ring!

Kazuya: Get the damn phone, boy!

(Jin comes in and answers the phone)

Jin: Hello?

Xiayou: Hi, Jin Jin!

Jin: ...hey, Xiayou.

Xiayou: I was wondering if you were doing anything today.

Jin: No, not really.

Xiayou: Then would you like to come over to my house later?

Jin: Uh, I'm kind of...

Television: Now I ask you this. Is it time we took back women's right to vote?

Kazuya: You tell 'em, Billy!

Jin: I'll come over after school.

(in Jin's Advanced Western Economical Civics class)

Xiaou: Hi, Jin Jin!

Jin: ...hi.

Xiayou: It's going to be great having you over, we're going to have lots of fun!

Jin: Yeah, that sounds like..............good.

Xiayou: So did you tell your parents you'd be coming over?

Jin: I left them a note, I'd rather not talk to them about it, they can get pretty embarrassing sometimes...

Xiayou: Don't worry, Jin Jin, everyone's parents are like that!

Jin: Yeah, but mine are kind of...

(Jun comes in)

Jun: Jin, I just wanted to bring you something to eat while you're at your little friend's house, I made you a bologna sandwich and I got those little heart-shaped pink cookies you like!

Jin: Mom, you didn't have to do that...

Jun: Don't be silly, I know how cranky you get when you don't eat! Now remember, be polite while you're over there and don't be afraid to ask to use the bathroom!

Jin: Mom, I'll be okay...

Jun: Oh, and did you remember to change your underwear?

Jin: Mom, can we talk about this some other-

Jun: Jin, did you?

Jin: ........yes.

Jun: That's my good little boy! Make sure her parents bring you back before dark! (leaves)

Hwoarang: Dude, I'm gonna kick your ass at school tomorrow.

Jin: We're already at school, so why don't you do it today?

Hwoarang: ........ (goes back to his desk)

Jin: See what I mean? That's what I have to put up with at home everyday.

Xiayou: That wasn't so bad, Jin Jin.

Jin: It gets worse...

(Kazuya comes in on cue)

Kazuya: I just heard the news, boy, and I got over here as soon as I could!

Jin: Dad, please go home...

Kazuya: Not without giving you a few words of advice, I've gotta have that talk with you every father has with his son, which I admit I'd put off, thinkin' you were a fruit and all...

(Jin covers his face in embarrassment)

Kazuya: So, I just brought you these condoms since you've probably not got any of your own, at least I assumed, with you being a virgin and all...

(Kazuya reaches into his pocket)

Kazuya: I brought as many as I could find, at least as many as I had left, your mother has me using these things faster than I can buy them, if you know what I mean..........let's see.........6.......7......no, you don't need that many. Condoms? Do any of you other kids need condoms?

(Hwoarang raises his hand)

Kazuya: Do you actually need them or are you just trying to look cool?

(Hwoarang lowers his hand)

Kazuya: Look, I've gotta go, but make sure you remember to use those things, I mean, you weren't exactly a choice yourself. (leaves)

(Jin begins to cry)

(later at Xiayou's house)

Xiayou: I hope you like it here, Jin Jin, my mom and dad don't get home until eight, so it's just you and me. And Grandpa Wang.

Wang: Where's my ketchup!

Xiayou: I just bought you some yesterday, Grandpa!

Wang: Need more ketchup! (throws an empty ketchup bottle at Xiayou's head)

Xiayou: You have to excuse him, he's a bit senile in his age...

Television: Your daughter's a freeaaak!

Wang: Hah hah! Black Knight is funny!

Jin: .....

Xiayou: Would you like something to drink?

Jin: Uh, sure, I guess...

Xiayou: Do you want anything, Grandpa?

Wang: I'll have a Zima!

Xiayou: I'll be gone for just a minute. (goes into the kitchen)

Wang: (turns to Jin) My bra is itchy!

Jin: WHAT?

Wang: Feel my head! I fornicated with it myself!

Jin: Get off of me!

Xiayou: (comes back in) I hope you like juice, Jin Jin!

Wang: Take it all off!

Xiayou: Grandpa, have you been watching CBS again?

Wang: I heart Becker!

Xiayou: I told you that channel's too racey for you! Do you remember when you saw King of Queens and Still Standing in the same night, and you put on 200 pounds, thinking you could get a beautiful wife?

Wang: If I haven't seen it, it's new to me!

Jin: Is he....always like this?

Xiayou: You get used to it, after a while of being around him, you can begin to understand most of what he says.

Television: You know, maybe if these gays would spend more time decorating houses instead of joining the army, we wouldn't have all these hate crimes.

Wang: Bill O'Reilly for president!

Jin: And I actually thought my own grandpa was senile before today....

Xiayou: What?

Jin: Uh, nothing.

Xiayou: Don't worry, Grandpa usually keeps himself pretty occupied.

Wang: (reading Mad Magazine) Hah hah! They call Claudia Schiffer 'Claudia Sniffer'! It's funny 'cause it's true!

Xiayou: I'm sorry, Grandpa gets pretty noisy during the day, if you want, we could go up to my room.

Jin: ...your room?

Xiayou: Yeah, I'm sorry if it's a little messy though...

Jin: Actually, I think it's getting kind of late.

Xiayou: But it's only 4:30...

Jin: Yeah, well, it can get, uh..........bye. (heads toward the door)

Xiayou: Oh, okay. Grandpa, say goodbye to Jin Jin!

(Wang is lying in a drunken haze amidst a collection of empty ketchup bottles)

Jin: Uh....well....good night...

Xiayou: Good night, Jin Jin. (kisses Jin on the cheek)

Audience: Ahhhhh......

Jin: ....yeah, so, then I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow, and.......I mean....you know. (leaves)

(outside)

Jin: (walking home) "Yeah, so, uh, I'll see you at school tomorrow", damn it, I'm such a-

Wang: (comes running out of the house) Wait, boy!

Jin: Huh? What do you want?

Wang: We have to go back!

Jin: Back to the house? Why, has something happened to Xia-

Wang: No! Not the house!

Jin: Go back where, then?

Wang: Back to the future!

Jin: ....... (pushes Wang into traffic)

End Of Chapter XIII

Damn. I don't remember being very bitter when I wrote this, yet I've attacked pretty much everything. However, I would like to apologize for one of the victims of my constant barrage of insults: Denny's. It's honestly a very fine establishment. I finally got around to doing a Jin and Xiayou chapter like was earlier suggested. I admit I took my time. Like I do with everything in my life.