Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Why Are You Still Reading This Crap? ( Chapter 15 )

Announcer: Kazuya Knows Best is filmed in front of a live studio audience!

 

Jun: Kazuya, I've got great news!

 

Kazuya: You're still here, so it can't be that good.

 

(audience laughs)

 

Jun: You know how you're possessed by Devil?

 

Kazuya: Actually, being controlled by the ruler of hell, that's the sort of thing you don't forget.

 

Jun: I heard from a friend about how these televangelists can-

 

Kazuya: Televangelists? You believe that crap?

 

Jun: But she said-

 

Kazuya: Oh, 'she', and let me guess, this was an idea you got from that nut, Angel?

 

Jun: What's wrong with Angel?

 

Kazuya: "What's wrong with Angel"? You're asking what's wrong with someone who prayed to make that interacial couple disappear?

 

Jun: I don't recall you being very tolerant of interracial couples either.

 

Kazuya: .....I'm not, but the means she used were just silly.

 

Jun: Kazuya, I really think this could work, besides, you always say how Devil's the reason why you're so evil.

 

Jin: Yeah, Dad, then we can be a normal family again!

 

Kazuya: (whacks Jin in the back of the head) What do you know about being normal, boy?

 

Jun: Please, Kazuya, for your family?

 

Kazuya: Jun, I'm.....who am I kidding, do I even need to answer that question?

 

Jun: Then you're going?

 

Kazuya: No.

 

(audience laughs)

 

Heihachi: (enters) Kazuya, I hope you haven't forgotten our bowling match against the Manji party, that bastard Yoshimitsu will soon see the power of the Mishima family, though I admit there was that little lawsuit when I hit Boskonovitch last time, but he was asking for it, standing so close to-

 

Kazuya: I, uh, I gotta do something with my loving famiily...(tries to smile without looking evil)

 

(at the church)

 

King: Yes, my brothers, stand together and praise the lord, for he alone may set you free! Now who here needs my healing touch?

 

Man: I broke my leg.

 

(King does a Frankensteiner on him)

 

Woman: My son has the flu.

 

(King does a Rolling Death Cradle on her)

 

Craig: I'm going to prison for killing a man.

 

(King pays off various prison officials)

 

Jun: Go on, Kazuya.

 

Kazuya: ...uh...right....

 

King: And what is the cause of your pain, my son?

 

Kazuya: I'm fine now, really...

 

King: Don't be afraid, just put faith in the lord and all shall be...(puts hand on Kazuya's forehead) HOLY ----!

 

(Jun covers Jin's ears)

 

King: There's great evil within you, the likes of which I've never seen!

 

Kazuya: Yeah, it's kind of serious...

 

King: Then it's decided, I must look after you to personally see to it that this evil is repressed!

 

(takes off robe) For the next 3 months, we're roommates!

 

Kazuya: What? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(screen fades to black)

 

Announcer: The Odd Mishimas is filmed in front of a live studio audience!

 

King: (enters) Kazuya, why did you burn all my gospel CDs?

 

Kazuya: I couldn't help it, the devil made me do it.

 

King: Oh, I see...

 

Kazuya: You got any money?

 

King: What for?

 

Kazuya: I was just going to go out and get some things, you know, groceries, porno, pay some bills...

 

King: Pornography? Why do you need that filth?

 

Kazuya: Hey, I can either watch sleazy women engage in sexually explicit acts on film, or I can go out and have dangerous, unprotected sex with complete strangers.

 

King: .....I suppose when you put it like that....

 

(doorbell rings)

 

Kazuya: Jun, get the door!

 

King: ........ (opens the door)

 

Jerry Falwell: How you doin', King!

 

King: .....oh. Hello, Jerry.

 

Jerry Falwell: You ain't doin' nothing, are ya?

 

King: .....actually, I was planning on stopping off at the homeless shelter today to drop off some-

 

Jerry Falwell: Nothin' important then, that's good, I just came by to tell you that some Muslim family's moved in down the street, I figured you an' I could go down there with a couple'a shotguns an' blow 'em all away, in the name of the lord.

 

King: .....that's..........that's great, Jerry...

 

Jerry Falwell: (sees Kazuya) King, you one o' them homosexuals or somethin'?

 

King: What?

 

Jerry Falwell: You livin' with a man an' all, must mean you into that ------ shit an' everything, right? You goin' all ---, boy?

 

King: No, I'm not gay, Mr. Mishima is just staying with me here for a short while, I'm on a divine mission to cleanse his soul!

 

Jerry Falwell: Cleanse his soul? Don't look like there's anything wrong with... (notices Kazuya's asian) Oh, I hear ya. I'll just stop by later, after you're through convertin' him.

 

King: ..........look, Jerry, I really don't think we should hang out together. It's just that.....I'm a 'use the memory of Jesus to spread love and compassion' kind of guy...

 

Jerry Falwell: An' all of that fruity shit, I hear ya.

 

King: ............right.......on the other hand, you're more of a 'use the memory of Jesus to alienate and persecute' kind of guy.

 

Jerry Falwell: (nods proudly) That's right, all in the name of the lord.

 

King: ......you know, Jerry, Hitler claimed to be a Christian too...

 

Jerry Falwell: Right, an' he cleaned up all them non-believers, god bless America.

 

King: ...............................................

 

(King slowly closes the door)

 

Kazuya: I liked that guy, good to see people today who still believe in old-fashioned family values.

 

King: Oh, merciful father, this man's soul is more corrupt than I thought....

 

(doorbell rings)

 

Kazuya: Get the damn do-

 

King: I'M NOT YOUR WIFE, SO SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

 

Kazuya: ........

 

(King opens the door, revealing Kazuya's family)

 

Jun: Kazuya, please come back, we all miss you.

 

Kazuya: Oh, so now you suddenly want the big, evil, possessed guy back?

 

Jin: We don't care if you're an evil, homicidal, inconsiderate bastard, Dad, we just want to be a family.

 

Kazuya: Shit, you people are unbelievable....always bitching about how I'm an evil, homicidal, yet still lovable bastard when I come home, but I leave for just 2 years, and you act like I've abandoned you.

 

Heihachi: We tried to replace you for the show, but the replacement castmember just didn't attract a large fanbase...

 

Mary Sue, The Dirty Little Otaku: Konnichiwa, Kazuya-sama! (bows)

 

Kazuya: What the hell is.........never mind....obviously, you people are desperate. To be honest, as much as I hate living with you people, I kind of have to admit, I hate living with this guy more. King, I'm outta here!

 

King: What? But, I haven't finished the exorcising! If you leave now, your soul will be damned!

 

Kazuya: (burning down an orphanage to make room for a new Mishima sweat shop) Huh?

 

Lee: Hah hah, that's our Kazuya!

 

Mary Sue: (staring at Lee) Kawaaiiii!!!

 

Kazuya: YOU SHUT UP, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING!

 

Mary Sue: Gomen nasai! (goes back to reading her yaoi)

 

Kazuya: ...I hate my life.

 

Jun: Don't say that, Kazuya, you have a family that loves you!

 

Kazuya: Jun, you know what I love about you?

 

Jun: What?

 

Kazuya: I don't know, I was hoping you could tell me.

 

(everyone laughs)

 

End Of Chapter 15

 

What's that? You think that ending was pointless, meaningless, and went nowhere? Then it should fit with the rest of the story.

 

I know, Devil isn't THE devil, rather A devil, but I just felt like pointing out how I stretched the truth a bit, something a lot of writers who make inaccuracies fail to do. You know, bad writers, real scum, not decent writers like you got here.

 

I'm really, really, really sorry if I offended anyone with the Jerry Falwell bit(except for Jerry Falwell), it wasn't meant to insult Christianity, Islam, or homosexuality, just Jerry Falwell.

And I also apologize to interracial couples. Kazuya's still a bigot in this fic. Just not as much as Jerry Falwell.

 

I realized something recently, and considering a lot of the people who read this crap are aspiring writers, I think it's something I should mention. At some point, you're probably going to doubt your own abilities as a writer. Sure, you can tell yourself that you're better than me. But that's not saying much. Instead of giving up and trying to pursue a successful career, like a doctor(you know as well as I do you'll fail, just like you do at everything in your life), there's a better solution to dealing with your lack of confidence.

Watch the WB. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you watch shows like 7th Heaven to get ideas. However, after just one episode of Smallville(or Everwood, or Angel, or...), it should become apparant to anyone that they could write better garbage. So don't give up, young Shakespears of the future, for in any event of failure, be it a failed movie or cancelled book deal, know this:

You can always become a writer for a WB sitcom.

.......I'm really not helping, am I?