Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Thizzizzile's the Worzizzle Chazzizzle Yezzizzle ( Chapter 22 )

Announcer: In the last episode of Kazuya Knows Best, Kazuya was humiliated by his recent court appearance, and cast himself out of society. Unable to deal with his failure, Kazuya fell into depression and spent his day at home in a drunken haze.

 

Kazuya: Stupid Tamson...all his fault with his crazy routine...pop that bastard's....hey, Jun! You're gettin' fat!

 

(Kazuya glares angrily at the mop he's speaking to)

 

Kazuya: Gah...dumb broad...outta bury you along wit' the boy... (turns on the television)

 

Reporter: And as you can see for yourself, there are certainly some strong feelings concerning this case.

 

(the reporter stops an old woman passing by)

 

Reporter: Madam, what's your opinion of this recent twist in the Namco trial?

 

Old lady: It's unforgivable! I'm going to sue the company for marketing such filth to me!

 

Reporter: Don't you feel that taking legal action is going a bit too far?

 

Old lady: Of course not, I'm already suing that Rockstar company for their Grand Theft Auto game!

 

Reporter: I assume you're referring to the 'hot coffee' mini game?

 

Old lady: That's right, when I bought that game for my 14 year-old grandson, I thought he'd have innocent fun driving over pedestrians, killing cops , and having sex with hookers, but this mini game is unforgiveable! They're having sex! I can't allow my grandson to learn of something so harmful, otherwise he could grow up to be some dangerous threat to society!

 

Reporter: To be fair, the mini game is in fact hidden and requires some skills in hacking in order to find it...

 

Old lady: That's not important, more than anything it's the principle of the thing, I bought a game for my 14 year-old grandson that was supposed to be intended for a 17 year-old audience, and now I learn it's got things in it meant for 18 year-olds! I deserve the right to capitali...I mean, seek compensation for this atrocity!

 

Kazuya: Dat stupid broad! (turns channel)

 

Anna: Hi, and welcome to another episode of Fashion Talk with your hosts, the Williams sisters!

 

Nina: Our first subject today is Feng Wei!

 

Anna: Ugh! I have never seen eyebrows in more dire need of tweezers!

 

Nina: And nice shoes, I hope they come with a complimentary barf bag for anyone who has to look at them!

 

Anna: On the subject of shoes, let's not forget Hwoarang's Tekken 5 outfit! Spurs? Puh-lease!

 

Nina: What's with those chaps? Is he going to the King of Iron Fist Tournament or a gay bar?

 

Anna: Speaking of gay, have you seen Steve Fox's outfits? First he has a shirt with a cute flower print on it, now he's wearing tight red leather pants! And that top! Nina, who was the father, Liberace?

 

Nina: I...don't know...

 

Anna: Hah! You really are a whore!

 

Nina: You bitch!

 

(Nina and Anna begin another catfight, the only reason most people watch the show)

 

Kazuya: What kinda filth is this? This trash is considered television these days? (turns channel)

 

(Dr. Boskonovitch and Dr. Abel are standing on the set of a telethon)

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: We've all worked very hard to raise awareness of the problems concerning male baldness, an epidemic affecting millions across America, so we're asking you to help in any way you can in this time of need. This tragedy is a menace to countless innocents, yet it is still no match for the indominatable human spirit.

 

Dr. Abel: George Bush doesn't care about bald people.

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: (looks over to Dr. Abel with a stunned look on his face)

 

(camera cuts off to Jinpachi)

 

Jinpachi: ...uh...we've been... (looks offstage for help)

 

Kazuya: Goddamn stupid commie liberals! Always criticizing our president! Why don't they just go back to Russia where they belong, stinkin' reds! (throws remote at television)

 

Lee: You should learn not to get so political, Kazuya. I mean, yeah, politics affects just about every aspect of our lives, but it's not like we have any effect on it. Unless you're rich, I guess. Then you can probably get some lobbyists to change a law. Or bribe a few politicians. Okay, so guys like me have an effect on politics. But not you, so you might as well think of something else. Hey, here's a good one. Which do you like more, Dick or Bush? Hah hah. Yeah, I like female genitalia myself.

 

Kazuya: Lee? When the hell did you get in here?

 

Lee: I jimmied the lock on your front door a few minutes ago. Hey, turn back to the chick show, that was hot.

 

Kazuya: Damn it, can't you see I'm busy hermitting?

 

Lee: Hermaphrowhazzit...?

 

Kazuya: I'm sheltering myself from society! From bastards like you, damn anti-corporate sons of bitches, goin' after good free-enterprisin' men like myself...

 

Lee: Oh yeah, the trial, right. That reminds me, I forgot to make my classic entrance! (goes out the door)

 

(door knocks)

 

Kazuya: ...

 

(door knocks)

 

Kazuya: ...

 

(door knocks)

 

Kazuya: ...

 

(Lee slowly opens the door)

 

Lee: ...you're supposed to open it.

 

(Kazuya glares at Lee)

 

Lee: Ah, forget it, I'm in now anyway. Hey Kazuya, can I borrow a rottensonofabitchdoo?

 

Kazuya: ...what's a rottensonofabitchdoo?

 

Lee: What you did, you rotten son of a bitch!

 

Kazuya: What?

 

Lee: That whole thing with the sex mini game crap, what were you, high?

 

Kazuya: The sex mini game was your idea!

 

Lee: Yeah, but I kept my mouth shut!

 

(Lee leaves, slamming the door behind him)

 

Kazuya: Hey, you don't slam the door on me, I slam the door on you, you piece of crap!

 

(Kazuya opens the door and slams it shut)

 

Kazuya: ...that helped a little.

 

(at the courthouse)

 

Judge: Is the defense now present?

 

Kazuya: Yes, your honor.

 

(Dragunov enters)

 

Dragunov: Eez thee courtroom available?

 

Kazuya: Hey, you're that Drakov guy, what're you doing here?

 

Dragunov: Eye haff come to theez court to enact thee German ban on violent computer gamez!

 

Kazuya: ...yeah, I heard about that. You're actually trying to ban them outright?

 

Dragunov: Yes, such impure things shall not be tolerated in thee glorious Fourth Reich!

 

Kazuya: Don't you think all this censorship the Germans have been doing seems a little...fascist?

 

Dragunov: NEIN! Eet eez thee exact opposite, such actz of violenz are a threat to thee people, who Germany holdz first, before even thee gloriouz and just government!

 

Kazuya: Yeah, however you want to put it, it just seems to me like you're trying to decide how people are allowed to think, and that sort of out of control manipulation seems more fascist than anything else.

Dragunov: Halt die Schnauze! You know nothing of thee righteousness of theez cruzade!

Kazuya: Why are you working with the Germans anyway? I thought you were Russian.

Dragunov: Yez, but I dress like a nazi. (walks off)

Judge: Alright, I have to get home soon so I can catch tonight's of episode of Trading Spouses, so let's hurry this up and give the closing statements.

 

(Kazuya approaches the jury)

 

Kazuya: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm not some crazed, radical son of a bitch who thinks a copy of Manhunt or BMXXX should be in every children's stocking this year, because I do agree with some of the things that opponents of violent games have said. Not this guy. But it's not like Lieberman hasn't made some good points. Maybe violent video games do affect kids, or maybe it just affects the kids who have trouble defining reality, who are already a threat to society if you ask me. Or maybe it doesn't even transform kids into mass murderers at all. It's certainly a possibility. In any case, that doesn't mean a minor should view content involving a cocaine dealer beating a prostitute with herpes after eviscerating her pimp. Or something like that. I don't exactly know the details of this 'ban on the sale of violent videogames to kids' bill that senators Lieberman and Clinton are making, but I don't see the harm in a 10 year-old not being allowed to buy a game meant for adults. I do realize it's much harder for parents these days, granted, they're trying a lot less, but at the same time you can understand where they're coming from when they say how difficult it is to protect their kids from negative influences. But as far as violent video games are concerned, parents are always partly to blame. If a kid plays the game at a friend's house, then those parents are at fault for allowing their child to have that game in the first place. And assuming a kid is able to get a copy of a violent game, the parent can't possibly say that they had no idea their kid even had the game, since if they played it for hours, you'd probably notice. Unless the kid stayed in their room all day with the door closed. In which case it's still the parents fault for allowing their child to shelter themselves off from society. Hell, for all you know, they could be doing heroine or mutilating small animals they found. In any case, the fact is parents have to bear some responsibility in these matters, because when you bring a life into this world, a life which you choose to raise, thinking that they would be better off being taken care of by you, you have to back it up by actually giving a damn about them, and taking the time to raise them.

 

Juror #4: Just because I have 3 kids doesn't mean I can't live a life of my own! I need me time!

 

Kazuya: Shut the hell up and sit your ass down!

 

(Kazuya returns to the defense table)

 

J. Thompson: (to Kazuya) Your third sentence had a double negative. Too many games, no doubt.

 

(J. Thompson approaches the jury)

 

J. Thompson: One month ago I was called by Senator Hillary Clinton's staff asking if I would prep her for her news conference at which she was going to call upon the Federal Trade Commission to investigate the presence of embedded, sexually explicit material in the ultra-violent video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The call was made because I have been beating the drum for six years now against the marketing and sale of these mature games to minors. I had been on CBS's 60 Minutes days before, and the current Reader's Digest analyzes a triple homicide case, in which I am counsel, spawned by the Grand Theft Auto games that a teenager copycatted. I was happy, as a Republican, to help this Democratic Senator, because the targeting of kids with adult entertainment is not a partisan issue. I was the citizen who got Howard Stern off all Clear Channel stations in 2004. That was not a Republican effort. I did that as a parent. I can tell you that some crimes would not occur but for the violent entertainment. For the families of the deceased, that is the only statistic that matters. I am just one victim of the growing terrorist attitude within the "virtual world" that criticism of the excesses of this technology will not be abided. Step out of line with our anarchic agenda, and we will anonymously harass you, threaten to kill you, all in the name of "freedom of speech." There is nothing more hypocritical than a bunch of gamer thugs who harass me and threaten me all in the name of "freedom of expression." I have received approximately ten thousand hate e-mails variously threatening to kill me or otherwise harass me if I don't stop. Pornography depicting me engaged in sexual intercourse with Senator Clinton, our faces superimposed on the figures, is just one example.

 

(Kazuya tries to hold back from laughing)

J. Thompson: My fervent prayer as a Christian is not “Lord, give me more friends.” It is rather “Lord, give me more enemies like Doug Lowenstein.” He makes what I do so easy.

(half an hour later)

J. Thompson: The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does. Islam promotes the killing of innocent people. The Quran requires the infidel, whether Jew or Christian, to be killed. ... That's a core essence of the religion. ... Muhammad was a pirate who killed infidels and who advocated the killing of infidels. Not a nice guy. Osama bin Laden is in keeping with his fine tradition.

(2 hours later)

J. Thompson: We won the "Hot Coffee mod" battle, and we shall win other battles. If any of you clowns are still dumb enough to threaten me and harass me, then contact your lawyers. You're going to need them.

 

Judge (half-asleep): Mr. Thompson, in all your endless rantings, was anything you said relevent to this case?

 

J. Thompson: Put up, or Shut up.

Judge: What?

J. Thompson: The First Amendment does not protect the distribution of adult entertainment to children, and it does not protect those who terrorize those who simply try to keep those children out of harm's way. The fox has guarded the chickens long enough. This game seems to prove it.

 

(J. Thompson returns to the prosecution's table)

 

Kazuya: (to Lee) That's his argument? Hah, no one's stupid enough to buy the crap coming out of this guy's mouth, the trial's as good as our's!

 

(the jury applauds)

 

Kazuya: Huh?

 

Judge: The jury may now retire to the back to decide on a verdict.

 

(half an hour later)

 

Juror #1: Your honor, we have reached a verdict.

 

Judge: Already? Shit, you people don't waste any time.

 

Juror #1: We of the jury, unanimously find the company Namco to be guilty of all charges.

 

Kazuya: UNANIMOUS?

 

Juror #8: I am sorry, my sons. He just made a really good argument.

 

Lee: Damn it, Dad...

 

Judge: Then I hereby decree that Tekken 6 shall be cancelled, and all existing Tekken copies will be burned! Furthermore, I sentence the defense to death by hanging!

 

Kazuya: (adjusts collar) Gulp!

 

Jack Thompson: Yes! Yes! I actually won something!

 

Judge: Mr. Mishima, I must say you and this vile corporation you have chosen to represent have been destroying this nation's youth with your filth, showing no contempt for your actions! In fact, I would dare say you're the reason this country is spiraling downward into a cesspool of corruption and chaos! Not because of the greed of the oil corporations, not the tax cuts going to the rich, not the government's focus on starting needless wars halfway across the world, not the bribes being accepted by our congressmen, not the steadily increasing amount of impoverished familys being left to fend for their own, but your violent video games! I hope you can live with yourself as you roast in the fiery pits of hell, and may the lord have mercy on your godless, aetheist soul, because I have none to spare for such a monster!

 

Kazuya: Hey, hey! Hold on, just one minute! I mean, I got a wife and kid, and a brother who's over so much he practically lives with us! You can't expect them to take care of themselves, the boy's an idiot, and my wife's a woman, you know as well as I do that they can't support themselves!

 

Judge: Well that may be, but I regret to inform you, Mr. Mishima, that despite being a man constantly rambling on about 'family values', I don't give a damn about families. The only good news I can give you, is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

 

(Kazuya wakes up screaming)

 

Kazuya: Wha...what the hell was all that?

 

Jun: Good morning, Kazzy! Did you sleep well?

 

Kazuya: No, I...I don't remember anything...what time is it?

 

Jun: It's almost 3:30.

 

Kazuya: WHAT? I'm going to be late for the trial!

 

Jun: What trial?

Kazuya: The Namco trial, you fruithead!

 

Jun: Kazuya, what are you talking about?

 

Kazuya: What the heck do you mean, you polish sausage, you know damn well what I...

 

(Kazuya runs into the living room and turns on the television)

 

News: And in other news, mentally challenged attourney Jake Thompson is continuing his pointless crusade against video game company Namco, attempting to file a class action lawsuit against the corporation, with no success whatsoever.

 

Kazuya: Then...it was...it wasn't real. None of it was real...

 

Jun: What wasn't, Kazuya?

 

Kazuya: It's...it's nothing, Jun...nothing at all...

Jun: Why are you so tense? You're not worried about the Tekken series, are you?

Kazuya: Nah, not really. I think it's all gonna be fine...but there's still that crazy son of a bitch Thompson...

(Lee bursts in through the door)

Lee: Kazuya, you won't believe this!

 

Kazuya: What, the Nasdaq went up?

 

(no one laughs)

 

Kazuya: ... (to Jun) I don't know why the hell I started letting you write my one-liners.

 

(Lee pulls out a newspaper)

 

Headline: TEKKEN SALES SKYROCKET FROM CONTROVERSY

 

Kazuya: What?

 

Lee: Thanks to our good friend Mr. Thompson, all the publicity has been increasing Tekken's popularity! I call it 'The Mortal Kombat Effect'!

Jun: You see, Kazuya, there's nothing to worry about! Cuddle time!

 

Kazuya: Jun, get the hell offa me!

 

Jun: I'm just so happy, Kazzy!

 

Kazuya: ...you know, Jun, I could die right now and be happy.

 

Jun: You really mean that?

 

Kazuya: Of course, if it could get me away from you, I welcome the sweet embrace of death.

 

(audience laughs)

 

(The End)

(...of Chapter 21)

 

Yeah. That's it. It's the end. Of the trial. This thing's gonna keep going though, sort of like the Simpsons. As in still going on for years after it starts sucking ass.

 

Again, I must remind you, everything not directly related to the Tekken story is stuff Jack Thompson actually said. I wouldn't feel the need to point it out with anyone else.

 

I rolled out all the German stereotypes, didn't I? I've some German blood in me anyway, so that just makes it self-deprecating humor. I stand by my opinion on German censorship either way, I've heard all kinds of stories about them censoring things in video games, and how it affected the European releases for a lot of them. I feel sorry for the rest of the continent.

 

I know, the defense gives their closing statement last. Shut up, Matlock.

 

There was a lot I had to say about the whole issue of video game censorship before this 'hot coffee' incident began. Now I have five times as much to say.

 

That's right, I hate Jack Thompson. If you just look at some of the things he's said, he's clearly insane. Or at the very least, he has some serious issues. I don't know why it is crazy people like Jack Thompson and Ann Coulter are not only allowed to run free instead of being locked away like they belong, but they're able to go on television in order to give their opinions, and people actually listen.

 

But as much as you might hate Jack Thompson, it's important in how you handle that hatred. I, for example, wrote a hilarious (at least I think it was) parody of him. A bad idea would be to harass him, particularly going as far as to make death threats. Believe it or not, something like "thompson, you must die, i love games you killing, so I kill yu!!!!111!" actually helps his argument. You and I both know that it's just some socially outcast 12 year-old trying out new words they learned, but Jacko's apparantly taking it seriously. So seriously, he's gotten the FBI involved. Yeah, that's right. Our hard earned (at least mine is) money is going to protecting this jackass.

 

And on a final note concerning the one and only Jack Thompson, do a search for his game idea he came up with. I'd put it in here, but this is fiction, and this game idea is something he actually said. Really, just take a minute of your time to look for it. It's as hilarious as it is disturbing. Now after reading that, tell me with a straight face you think that guy's not crazy.

 

Yeah, I guess I'm one of the first to use Dragunov. Yay.