Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Please Do Not Read While Sober ( Chapter 23 )

(Lee is facing the camera like in one of those public service commercials)

 

Lee: I'm sure after repeated failures with women, you're starting to consider your friends' advice on lowering your standards, but don't give into peer pressure. Instead of being more open-minded with a woman's looks, try someone who likes to screw around a lot.

 

(Lee thinks it over for a second)

 

Lee: ...just make sure she checks into a VD clinic regularly.

 

(Lee wanders off while scratching his groin)

 

Kazuya: (returning home from work. Whatever his job is. I don't really care) Jun! Get in here!

 

Jun: (from the kitchen) What is it, Kazzy? I'm baking cookies right now for Gon's funeral!

 

Kazuya: Damn it, Jun, I'm about to go on another rant about what's destroying America!

 

Jun: Oh! (enters room and sits on the couch, waiting attentively for Kazuya's newest speech)

 

Kazuya: It's unbelievable, the crap that's goin' on these days! Do you know how much I worked my ass off for that old man of mine?

 

Jun: But Kazuya, you stole his compan-

 

Kazuya: EARNED, Jun, I earned the corporation! A tournament victory is legally binding in any court in America, it's a well-known fact in the business world!

 

Jun: I worked as an assistant paralegal for a few years, and I never heard anything like that.

 

Kazuya: That's because you worked for one of those fruity environmental protection firms! They're not real attourneys, Jun, just a bunch'a bitter old hippies wearin' suits! (returning to his previous rant) That old man of mine is useless! I've been supporting him ever since he selfishly went into retirement!

 

Jun: But Kazuya, you forced him into retirement.

 

Kazuya: Shut it, Jun!

 

Jun: ...and then you threw him off a cliff...

 

Kazuya: I SAID SHUT IT!

 

Jun: ...

 

Kazuya: ...now with this social security shortage, things are even worse...damn commie liberals and their damn anti-privatizing social security bullshit...if they could they'd have our taxes going to supporting poor people!

 

Jun: I think that's welfare, Kazzy...

 

Kazuya: SON OF A BITCH!

 

(Kazuya smashes Jin's game console out of blind rage. But it's okay, it was a 3DO)

 

Kazuya: That's it! That is IT! I have had enough of supportin' those who can't take care of themselves! I've had it ta here with that old fossil! I'm gonna do what I should'a done a long time ago!

 

Jun: What's that?

 

Kazuya: I'M STICKIN' MY OLD MAN IN A NURSING HOME.

 

Audience: (GASP!)

 

Jun: Kazuya, no!

 

Kazuya: He had it coming, bastard threw me off a cliff when I was only a kid!

 

Jun: But putting him in a nursing home? How could he survive that?

 

Kazuya: It's a nursing home, he's not supposed to survive.

 

(audience laughs)

 

(The next day)

 

Heihachi: I'm not an invalid, damn it, this is demeaning!

 

Kazuya: And apparently your Tekken 4 outfit wasn't...

 

Heihachi: What was that?

 

Kazuya: Nothing.

 

Jun: Don't worry, Kazzy's Daddy, we just want to be here for you.

 

Heihachi: I don't need to be pushed around in a wheelchair, I can walk without anyone's help!

 

Kazuya: We're not doing this to help you, we're just making sure you don't run off.

 

Heihachi: (finally notices the restraints) Oh.

 

Kazuya: Here it is, the place where you're going to live until the day you DIE.

 

Heihachi: ...

 

Jun: Wow, what a beautiful place!

 

Heihachi: Isn't the city dump a couple blocks from here?

 

Kazuya: Stop being such a damn pessimist, it's like you have to complain about everything! I'm paying 5 dollars a month to keep you here, so you better be grateful we didn't just leave you on the streets to fend for yourself like Roger!

 

Heihachi: At least that damned Kangaroo was put out of his mercy by Ganryu's Buick...

 

Jun: Don't be so gloomy, this is a great opportunity for you to meet lots of new friends! Look, here comes one now!

 

(a dead body is wheeled outside by two medics into a waiting ambulance)

 

Heihachi: ...

 

Kazuya: Heh heh, DEATH.

 

Jun: He seemed nice.

 

Heihachi: ...I know he COULDN'T have married you for your mind.

 

(inside)

 

Protonurse Jack: As you can see, this facility is designed with maximum security in mind, and it is virtually impossible for any inmates to escape.

 

Jun: That's nice, because safety's important.

 

Heihachi: ...I hate you all.

 

Protonurse Jack: And over here we have crafts and recreation.

 

Wang: (holds up his picture) I made a pony!

 

Heihachi: I DO NOT belong in here with him.

 

Jun: Ohhh, he seems like such a sweet old man...

 

Wang: You had me at hello. Now give me some sugar, baby. (tries to grope Jun)

 

Jun: (pushing Wang off of her) Uh...does he do this often?

 

Protonurse Jack: It is time for his 8:30 medication (injects a drug into Wang's neck)

 

(Wang collapses on a nearby table)

 

Jun: ...is he supposed to bleed like that?

 

Protonurse Jack: Only when they fall down. Come, there is more to see.

 

(In the lobby)

 

Kazuya (on the phone while smoking a cigar) That's right, Lee, I got it taken care of. We can finally begin our plan...

 

Woman: Excuse me, there's no smoking allowed in here, so put that out, you'll make my baby sick!

 

Kazuya: Just a second, Lee. (puts his cigar out on baby's head)

 

(audience laughs because they're a bunch of twisted assholes who think there's something funny about torturing babys. Sick sons of bitches)

 

(In another part of the building)

 

Protonurse Jack: Here is where we do the laundry.

 

Jun: Why are you showing us this?

 

Protonurse Jack: No one ever appreciates the work we do with the laundry.

 

(In the boiler room)

 

Protonurse Jack: This is the boiler room. Do not go in here. Ever. Including now. GET OUT.

 

(Protonurse Jack's left arm turns into a M1917 machine gun and begins firing at a fleeing Jun and Heihachi)

 

(later)

 

Kazuya: Alright Jun, I think we've seen enough, we'd better go home now.

 

Heihachi: Yes, I want to get out of this hellhole.

 

Kazuya: Not you, you're staying here.

 

Heihachi: I don't want to stay, I hate this place!

 

Kazuya: So? I hate my wife, but I'm stuck with her forever!

 

Jun: Forever, Kazuya? Oh, you're so romantic!

 

Heihachi: I'm not staying here, I'd rather live up in a small hut on a mountain with a dancing bear included for comic relief than here!

 

Kazuya: ...that's the dumbest analogy I've ever heard. Besides, you just haven't seen enough of it, I'm sure there's a ton of stuff you can do here.

 

(at the gym)

 

Kazuya: Look at this, you'll still be able to keep in shape, even at your age.

 

(Abel is playing checkers with himself)

 

Heihachi: I kicked your ass at the fourth King of Iron Fist tournament. This is beneath me.

 

Kazuya: ...shit! Fine, we'll keep looking!

 

(elsewhere)

 

Protonurse Jack: All our inmates are stored when otherwise unoccupied in these special security units.

 

Jinpachi: (Strapped into his bed) So, the lowly ingrate son has arrived!

 

Kazuya: Me?

 

Jinpachi: No, the other ingrate.

 

Heihachi: You're still alive?

 

Jinpachi: Yes, as much as it might displease you to learn. You trapped me here so many long years ago, but I swear to you this, I will one day escape these accursed bonds!

 

Heihachi: You've been saying that for years.

 

(at the pool)

 

Kazuya: Hey, look at this, a pool! That's pretty nice!

 

Heihachi: There's a dead body floating in there.

 

Protonurse Jack: That is why we have the pool boy.

 

(Ogre fishes the body out of the water)

 

Heihachi: (watching Ogre wander off with the corpse) Is he going to bury that?

 

Protonurse Jack: We don't bother to ask.

 

Jun: Do people accidentally drown in this pool often?

 

Protonurse Jack: No, you need not worry, these pool-related deaths are all self-induced.

 

Jun: That's a relief.

 

(at the cafeteria)

 

Kazuya: Wow, look at all that food, must be delicious!

 

Abel: (to a nearby Protonurse Jack) Excuse me, I asked for the red pills, you gave me the pink ones.

 

Wang: Can I have some more yellow pills? I'm still hungry.

 

Boskonovitch: (to Heihachi) If you break up and snort the blue pills, you see boxing Rush Limbaughs!

 

Protonurse Jack: You are in need of a stronger dose (injects a drug into Boskonovitch's neck)

 

(Boskonovitch lands face-down in his bowl of pills)

 

Heihachi: ...

 

Kazuya:See, now this ain't so bad.

 

(at the entrance)

 

Kazuya: Okay, I suppose we'll be off. You have fun, doing your stuff.

 

Jun: And know that we love you! (kisses Heihachi on the cheek)

 

Heihachi: Wa...wait! You can't do this to me! This is inhumane!

 

Kazuya: Yeah, probably, but it's cheap.

 

(Jun & Kazuya leave)

 

Kazuya: You know, Jun, sometimes I think I just love too much.

 

Jun: Do you think he'll be okay by himself, Kazuya?

 

Kazuya: He's a former King of Iron Fist champion. So he should last a little longer than the rest. And if not, there's always the pool.

 

(End of Chapter 22)

 

It's an interesting thing to think about if you're young, nursing homes. Kind of mixed results. Responsibility's gone, but so is freedom. Instead of having to go to the trouble of going to the bathroom, you have someone else to handle your waste. On the other hand, instead of being able to simply go to the bathroom, you have someone else handling your waste. Convenience in exchange for dignity. I understand that some old people become too senile to be capable of doing things for themselves, but others are people who are still independant and don't want to be chained down to that kind of life. I don't know what my views on being in a nursing home would be, perhaps because I don't expect to last that long. I'm probably going to be that guy who does something crazy or stupid when he dies. You know, like that guy who blew up a gas station when he lit a cigarette while standing in a puddle of gasoline. That'll be me. At least I'll give them something to talk about.

 

As for Kazuya and Lee's big plan, find out next chapter to learn the whole chilling story.

 

And since no one here knows who I am, I suppose this is a good place to make a confession. I stole a pair of pants from work. Now don't look at me like that. I had a good excuse. Really. I mean those uniforms were cheap. After a few months, they started tearing apart, buttons falling off, and other shit. Hell, the zipper was broken and kept constantly coming down, which isn't really a problem since it's usually down anyway. I suppose I can't really complain, because what more can you really ask of something made by a Vietnamese child working for a nickel an hour? And yes, my uniform was made in Vietnam. Apparantly the real reason we went to war and lost so many lives was so we could open sweatshops there instead of having to pay Americans a decent wage to do the same work. Anyway, I asked for a new pair of pants, and they said they'd order one. And I waited months for it. In that amount of time, there must have been a dozen people who'd been hired and quit (people tend to quit that job a lot, possibly due to the fact that it sucks), each one getting a uniform within days. So I realized they'd decided to screw me over. On top of that, there was a huge bag of clothes for uniforms that had recently appeared in the back. So I took one. Why? Because I wanted to stick it to the man. Damn cracka-ass cracka just riding my white ass all day, I ain't gonna be nobody's crazy bitch. You know what? I don't feel guilty. So I went back and stole another one, two actually. And another shirt. So I've got three or four uniforms, which just means I have to wash it less. So it's working out pretty well. In fact, I feel kind of invigorated because of this whole experience. I feel like taking other things. It's actually becoming pretty addictive.

 

And make sure to review this story if you're reading this line right now. In fact, don't even finish reading this paragraph, and just write a review. I'm an incredibly insecure person who feeds off of the praise of others, and without motivation will probably just be using this time to play games. Or live an actual life. It's like a pledgathon on public broadcasting. Isn't a few dollars worth getting them to shut up? So please, shut me up. And review Leave it to Sorrow too. No one else did. That's it. I told you to not even bother reading this paragraph. It's not my fault you wasted your own time. I bet you feel pretty embarrassed right now. I would be. Look at you. You're still reading, aren't you? Go do something.