Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ This Chapter Was Funded By Jack Abramoff ( Chapter 24 )

(Kazuya and Jun are watching television)

 

ET Broadcaster: This heartbreaking tragedy has already devastated all of America, and lead to countless questions as to the reasons why the popular singer has broken off their nearly 4-month long relationship. For further in-depth analysis, we turn to senior celebrity relationship correspondant, Virginald Losorwitz.

 

(camera changes to a crying, unbathed, fat man clutching a photograph of the two former lovers)

 

Virginald: Why? WHY? They were so perfect together! (SOB!) Michelle Bullock and Ralph Sitowicz were meant to be! Why can't fate have realized that? They were the greatest love story ever, more than Bennifer, Brangelina, or even Filliam H. Muffman! Why, God? WHY? I loved you, Bullsit!

 

ET Broadcaster: In lighter news, the Pentagon has reported that a total of 17 U.S. soldiers have died this month in Afghanistan, this is down from the reported 24 deaths of last month. Meanwhile, can you guess what celebrity has begun her own line of doily products? Jack Asimov investigates!

 

Kazuya: What the heck? This crap ain't news! (turns channel)

 

(Two highly-paid professional game critics are holding an intelligent discussion about a recent release)

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: Pardon me, Tekken 5, it's just that I was expecting a game I could play, not 50 dollar toilet paper! You call these graphics? Halo 2 shits all over these graphics! And what's with the music, I've heard better sounds coming from two monkeys having sex than this shit! I mean if you want a real soundtrack, check out all the masterpieces I made! I did Tapeworm Jim! Come on!

 

Tommy's Latest Unfortunate Co-host: What?

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: The characters are GAY! Kazuya? More like GAYZUYA! Hah hah! Bitch has got nothing on Kratos! And the gameplay is boring! I've actually, as a test, not because I enjoyed it, stuck the controller up my ass to see if I could beat this loser next to me! Guess what? I did!

 

Co-host: That's because you threatened to beat me up if I didn't let you win...

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: (glares up at his co-host) Don't talk back to me, bitch! I'm trying to be civil here, and you're acting like a stupid asshole! You're just upset because you play like a woman! That's right, I said it, bitch!

 

Co-host: Well, uh, I give Tekken 5 a 9.2.

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: 9.2? Bitch, what are you, stupid? You gave True Time: New York a 6, and give this piece of shit a 9? You're fired, bitch, go home!

 

(Co-host runs away crying)

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: Now stay tuned for more of G5, the first ever network for mainstream gaming hacks!

 

Kazuya: What a moron. (prepares to change channel)

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: (bursts in through door) Who you calling a moron, bitch? If you've got a problem with my reviews, then just turn it off and shut up, bitch!

 

Kazuya: What the f-

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: You're a pathetic piece of shit, you're so sad you just sit around bitching, why you gotta be a Tommy Knocker, bitch?

 

Kazuya: Look who's talking, you're so pitiful that you go around looking for someone to say something remotely unkind about you, then you've got to drop in and start one of your cursing tirades, who the hell is the one with no life?

 

Tommy Talentlessricco: Shut up, bitch, I came here trying to extend an olive branch, and you've got to resort to childish name-calling!

 

Kazuya: ...

 

(Kazuya kills Tommy Talentlessricco)

 

Kazuya: Asshole. (sits down and turns channel)

 

(An all-knowing news anchor is explaining to Americans how they need to think: Like him)

 

Bill Orally: Now those left-wing nutjobs might say we've been blowing the Shamsey case out of proportion, but like most things liberals say, that's just not true. Why just last year, I mentioned that missing negro girl...did they ever find her? Oh well, it doesn't matter. Anyway, back to my previous talking point, and as you know, everything I have to talk about is so important I have to bring it up again and again. I cannot believe how those morons in the media have so senselessly attacked the Shamsey parents in this case, simply jumping to conclusions with little regard for the facts, and this confession from John Mark Carr shows how ignorant they really are, simply talking about the latest hype in the headlines. I, meanwhile, have always focused on the much more relevant news, such as with this case concerning the killer John Carr, who I will be having a discusion about with a man who sat behind him in Chemistry class in high school, but first I'd like to go on in greater detail for the next half hour about my theories for why Carr...

 

(Bill Orally is handed a bulletin)

 

Bill Orally: It seems John Mark Carr is innocent. Which just goes to prove my point I was making all along, there was no way this freak had anything to do with it, anyone with a brain could tell this guy was lying from the beginning...

 

Kazuya: Hah, that's tellin' 'em, Bill!

 

Jun: Kazuya, you know watching this show always gives me cramps...

 

Kazuya: Aw, damn it, Jun! (turns channel)

 

(Kazuya and Lee are sitting in lawn chairs discussing pleasant summer time locales)

 

Kazuya: Never been to Rochester. Sounds like a nice place from what I've heard.

 

Lee: Oh, it is.

 

Kazuya: My, how delightful!

 

Lee: (sips tea)

 

Kazuya: Another crumpet?

 

Lee: Please.

 

Kazuya: I must say, these scones are delectable.

 

Lee: Yes, they are quite enjoyable.

 

Kazuya (the one watching television): GAH! Are they still playing reruns of this crap?

 

Jun: What's wrong? I like it.

 

Kazuya: I...I was on the damn Prozac, I never woulda done this of a sound mind! (quickly turns channel)

 

News Announcer: ...as a result of the tsunami, there was a total of 87 victims...

 

(Kazuya yawns)

 

News Announcer: ...including 2 Americans.

 

Kazuya: My God!

 

(doorbell rings)

 

Kazuya: That must be Lee. Now the plan can begin...

 

Jun: What plan, Kazuya?

 

Kazuya: First, quit sticking your nose in my business, Jun! And second, quit yappin' and get the door, there's something I have to tell you!

 

Lee: (enters without permission, as usual) Kazuya, are you ready to kill?

 

Jun: (GASP!)You're becoming hitmen?

 

Kazuya: Better! Jun, from this day forth, Lee and I shall be-

 

Lee: STAND-UP COMICS!

 

Kazuya: ...Lee, shut up for a second! Jun, from-

 

Jun: What's a stand-up comic?

 

Kazuya: Goddamnit, shut the hell up! (clears throat) Jun, from this day forth, Lee and I shall be STAND-UP COMICS!

 

Jun: (pretends to be surprised) Yay!

 

Lee: We're gonna be the greatest, Kazuya!

 

Kazuya: Damn straight! I bet you're pretty impressed now, Jun!

 

Jun: But what do you two know about comic books?

 

Kazuya: Not comic books, Jun!

 

Jun: Oh, you mean comic strips? I love Marduke, that dog is so silly!

 

Kazuya: ...I ain't talking about some freakin' cartoon dog!

 

Jun: You don't mean that whore from Cathy, do you? Because I just don't approve of that sort of lifestyle...

 

Kazuya: Damn it, Jun! If I gave a damn what you had to say, I'd ask!

 

Jun: But you are asking me.

 

Kazuya: ...one of these nights, Jun...one of these nights, you're going to go to sleep, but you're not gonna wake up...

 

Lee: ...what Kazuya's trying to say is we're going to be comedians.

 

Jun: Comedians?

 

Lee: That's right, our blend of sharp wit and jabbing political satire will make us the greatest comedy duo since Hannity and Colmes!

 

Kazuya: Except the stuff we say will actually make you think.

 

(the audience members that have actually watched Hannity & Colmes laugh)

 

Lee: Now that Dad's in a nursing home, Kazuya and I finally have the time to do what we've always wanted.

 

Kazuya: Whaddya mean, 'WE finally have the time?' You didn't do crap.

 

Lee: I helped.

 

Kazuya: When?

 

Lee: Lots of times.

 

Kazuya: Name one.

 

Lee: ...h...how can I? There's just so many to choose from.

 

Kazuya: ... (turns to Jun) So, whaddya think, huh? Pretty impressive, right? I bet you're already swooning at my impressive display of frighteningly oversized masculinity.

 

Jun: ...honestly?

 

Kazuya: What the hell do you mean 'honestly,' of course I want you to be honest, do you think I just go around asking people questions an' expecting them to agree with everything I say?

 

Jun: ...I think you'll do nice, Kazzy.

 

Kazuya: Damn right I'll do nice, I'll do so damn nice, ladies will be crawlin' all over me, no one will be able to resist my sexual prowess and matching...

 

Jun: ...

 

Kazuya: ...but, uh...then I'll tell them I don't find any of them sexually attractive, and I'll go back home to my wife. Who I love. Moreso than having an affair with a much better looking and far younger stranger. Who I wouldn't be attracted to anyway. Because I'm married.

 

Lee: Well, anyway-

 

AT THIS POINT THE AUTHOR HAS DECIDED TO END THE CHAPTER

 

(End of Chapter 24)

 

Sorry about the ending, but I know how much you kids love cliff-hangers. What dramatic plot twist is Lee going to unveil? Find out in the next chapter!

 

Do you wonder why it is that whenever there's a disaster on the news, they have to tell you how many of the people who died were American, as if it makes it more tragic? Are people really that disconnected from things that happen to other countries?

 

You know, the sad thing is that I honestly have reason to believe Tommy Tallarico is reading this right now. I'm worried the reviews will be filled with flames from a 5 1/2 foot Italian American with a bad temper. Unless they're from Joe Pesci. Then I wouldn't be worried, just honored.

 

Sitowicz is a real name. Believe me, I was having a hard time finding a name that sounds like 'shit'.

 

Yeah, I know where I got Filliam H. Muffman. Thank you, Stephen.

 

Review. I have self-esteem issues and I'm going to shoot myself if I don't get enough praise.