The Legend Of Zelda Fan Fiction ❯ Link and the Mullet ❯ Nova of Disonia ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Link and the Mullet
By Vitanova Hayabusa

Disclaimer: Just to make things clear, I, the writer Vitanova Hayabusa, do not own The legend of Zelda, Sear’s, or the phrase “Damn straight”.

Chapter I: Nova of Disonia

One day, Link and Navi are taking a walk around Kakariko village.

Link: *whistling Old Spice jingle*

Navi: Stop whistling that SONG!

Link: I like that song.

Navi: Yeah. Cause you’re a dumbass!

Link: *begins to weep* You don’t mean that…

Navi: *sighs* Are you gonna cry again? You’re such a pussy.

Link: Hey! That’s not true! I beat Ganondorf. And I’m screwing Zelda.

Navi: So? Ganon sucks. And Zelda’s a whore.

Link: You take it back!

Navi: Why?

Link: Cause it’s not true.

Navi: It so is.

Link: …Yeah, you’re right.

Navi: You’re such a quitter.

Link: But that’s why you love me.

Navi: SHUT UP! What if someone heard you?

Link: Uhh... Are you ashamed of me?

Navi: … Yes. Yes I am.

Link: *sighs* Figures. I guess it’s been a while since my glory days, hasn’t it?

Navi: Yep. I mean, look at you. You’re fifteen and you’ve got a beard. That’s lazy.

Link: No, that’s chocolate cake. *wipes cake from face*

Navi: Ew.

Suddenly, a portal appears before them.

Link: What’s that?

Navi: Is this is a Hayabusa fic, it’s the start of a new journey.

Link: Who’s Hayabusa?

Navi: I’ll tell you later.

Voice: Link and Navi, enter the portal.

Link: I don’t know. It looks scary.

Navi: Just go, you fucking fag!

Navi and Link enter the portal. They emerge in a forest.

Link: Where the dog shit are we?

Navi: I have no Eye-deer…

Just then, a figure in a hooded cloak approaches them.

???: Ah you made it.

Link: AAAHH! *draws Master sword* Die, monster!

Link charges at the mysterious figure and trips on a rock, falling at the stranger’s feet.

Link: Ow. I am defeated.

???: This is not who I sent for, is it?

Navi: You looking for Link, the hero of time?

???: Yeah.

Navi: Sorry, pal. That’s him.

???: You’re kidding. *growls* That’s the last time I order a hero from Sear’s! *burns Sear’s catalog* Fucking sucks. Anyway, I guess I’ll have to make do.

The stranger throws back his hood.

Navi: Oh my god! You are HAWT!

???: Huh?

Navi flies to the handsome stranger.

Navi: Hey. Are you into faeries?

???: Uh. Sorry. I make it a point to not date chicks that are 1/32 my size.

Navi: *gasps* And you know math TOO? You kick ass.

???: Uh, okay…

Link: *gets up* Who the hell are you anyway?

???: My name is Nova. And I have summoned you here.

Link: Where is here?

Nova: This world is called Disonia. And it is in peril. That’s why I called for you.

Navi: You need us?

Nova: I thought I did. But if this is Link, we’re fucked.

Navi: Don’t worry. He may not look like much, but he’s pretty impressive when he wants to be.

Nova: I sure hope so.

Link: What’s the big problem?

Nova: In Disonia, there is a power beyond imagination. It is the very essence of existence.

Navi: What is it?

Nova: The Mullet.

Link: The what?

Nova: The Mullet. A force so powerful that it cannot allow itself to be harnessed by just anyone, lest it destroy us all.

Navi: Destroy?

Nova: The one who acquires the Mullet shall be known as the “El Destruye”. and gain the secrets of the universe. As well as limitless power.

Link: I see.

Nova: Lately, there has been one who is searching for the Mullet.

Link: Who?

Nova: I think his name was Düsseldorf or something.

Navi: Ganondorf?

Nova: That’s it!

Link: Ganon’s here?! Oh hell no! I’m gonna kick his ass!

Nova: Wow. He suddenly got fired up.

Navi: He doesn’t like Ganondorf.

Link: Damn straight! I hate Ganondorf! He keeps trying to steal my woman! Hear me, Ganon? Zelda’s MY bitch!

Nova: Who’s Zelda?

Navi: Here. This’ll explain everything.

Navi hands Nova a tome titled “Legend of Zelda: The ultimate otaku’s guide”.

Nova: Ah. * reads* … So she’s a whore?

Navi: Yep.

Link: Let me get this straight. Ganon’s trying to become what?

Nova: The “El Destruye”.

Link: How?

Nova: By getting the Mullet.

Link: What’s with the Mullet?

Nova: You should fear the Mullet.

Link: Why?

Nova: It’s power comes from within.

Link: Within what?

Nova: Just within.

Link: What’s does the Mullet do?

Nova: Makes you the “El Destruye”.

Link: Who wants the Mullet?

Nova: Ganondorf.

Link: … I’m confused.

Nova and Navi fall.

Nova: *gets up* WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Link: What’s the name of this place again?

Navi: DISONIA, YOU BRAIN-DEAD LITTLE SHIT!

Link: Ohhhh. Okay.

Nova: Come on. I’ll explain more in town.

And so they begin their journey in this strange new world.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Nova: That was a headache.

Talking broom: This story rules, Nova.

Nova: Stop kissing ass and clean my fucking floor!

Floyd, Nova‘s cousin: Hell yeah. That broom got served!