Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Perfect Circle ❯ Afternoon ( Chapter 2 )

A/N: Thanks to formatting troubles, an underline is equivalent to a strikethrough.

-------------

Make new friends, but keep the old.

One is silver, and the other's gold.

A circle is round; it has no ends.

That's how long I want to be your friend.

-------------

" 'Dear Kamui…. I don't know how to start this… but… well… I…' oh, fuck it."

Subaru ripped the current sheet of notebook paper out of his binder, crumpled it up, and hurled it into a nearby trashcan. The trashcan was surrounded by a sparse garden of paper balls that had missed their mark. It was early afternoon, sunny, Wednesday, therefore a school day at CLAMP Campus, and technically time for Subaru's remedial high school-level rhetoric class at the college, though he had elected to use the time space for what he considered more productive projects. He was sitting at an abandoned table under the pavilion students were inclined to call the "Athens" due to the characteristic architecture columns holding the roof aloft.

Subaru sighed and smashed his cigarette into a plastic ashtray bearing the CLAMP Campus mascot pointing accusingly at the offender and telling him to give up smoking now for his own sake. He winced at the soot-washed face.

"Smoking is still bad for you, you know?"

All right, eighth time's the charm. Just write the damn thing.

Subaru tapped the tip of his pen on the fresh sheet of notebook paper blankly. The lines, he noticed, blurred out of focus very easily and became quite painful when demanding attention. With the loss of vision in his left eye concentrating on reading or observing any detail became a painful and inaccurate task, a good reason to stop studying and to care even less about class than he had for a long time. It just reminded him of Seishirou anyway.

And, by the way, that is a reason that you need to get this damn thing written. Come on, man. Subaru pulled another cigarette out of his pack and lit it nervously. Or Kamui will end up like you someday. Grow some balls for once. For once in your life, don't back down from this. Just do it. No frills, no fancy opening. Just get out what you want to say.

"…'Kamui'…good; step one… 'There is something I need to discuss with you…' …eh…"

Subaru took a long drag of his cigarette, took a deep breath of air, and smashed the cigarette into the ashtray purposefully. Now or never. Just do it.

----------------------

"…I think I am responsible for giving you some bad faullty advice. Well, I mean, when anybody takes my advice that comes from my experience it turns out bad. It turned out bad for me. You see, I don't want you to end up like me, and so far that's where you're headed. Quite plainly. It's not happy over on this side of the neck woods. It's going to hurt a lot of people because you have people to live for, Kamui. I mean, look around you. There are people who love you and worry about you, and you're turning your back on all of them for some lost cause childhood dead somebody who will not make you happy.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is… look, Fuuma's not coming back unless you die or he dies. And then he'll be dead or you'll be dead anyway. Yeah, I did avocate your path when I dove into your conciousness, more or less. You said that you'd be willing to get Fuuma back even if your life becomes a hell and he doesn't love you back. I guess I'm trying to say… LOOK, do you WANT to be unhappy? Is that it? You're unwilling to see that there might be other people around who can want to make you happy, even if they really can't because they're so fucked up anyway, who are here right now and who love you for who you are and your devotion and your kindness and your perserverence and because they've been through

I don't want to see you willingly take the path of the most pain for something you can never have. That's just damn childish. Sorry, but it is, and I know it's hypocritical, but I'm too far gone, and you're so young and you have so much to offer, if only you'd be willing to love somebody else it might be easier on you. Cut bait and leave. You know, find somebody who won't constantly kill your friends and land you in the hospital with your ribs smashed in. Somebody who will be there for you and tend your wounds instead of cause them. Somebody you can come home to at night and who will respect you and"

-----------------------------

ARGH. Subaru tapped his pen on the paper and fished his cigarette packet out of his pocket. God damn it, you look like a fucking stalker. Mention Segawa or something. Wait, you don't know if he's gay or bi or whatever. Just do something-no. No, you'll loose him. He'll go for the better offer, I'm sure of it. If he even listens, which he probably won't. If you're at all caring, if there is one unselfish bone left in your corpse, Sumeragi Subaru, you will push him in any direction but your own. He deserves so much better. Last thing he needs is another depressed deadweight in his life. He needs somebody to make him happy. I'm anything but happiness. And you'll still have Seishirou on your mind all the time.

Well, yeah, but won't he have Fuuma on his mind all the time? Subaru dragged on his cigarette. We'll both have them on our minds for a while, but maybe… just maybe… we'll forget them with time and be happy, sort of. If you can ever make anybody happy. Oh, you have too much damn hope for yourself, boy. There's no chance you'll ever forget Seishirou. And then you turn around and ask Kamui to drop Fuuma for YOU? What the HELL is your problem, anyway?

Look, just shut up and write the damn letter.

--------------------

"…I care for you too much to see you turn out like me. Trust me. This sort of life isn't amazing glamoros, or romantic, or amazing, or whatever the hell you might think it is. It's hell. It really is miserable. And it's a dead end. Wishing for what you can't have is futile, and you'll only make yourself miserable doing it. Don't make my mistakes. Will you go out And don't take any offer you get just to drug yourself up with sex. That's a dead end road, you'll die of AIDS and it'll just make you feel more hollow and worthless. For God's sake, if you really DO like people treating you like trash, beating you around and having no respect for you, then you're as fucked up as I am I wish that you would cultivate more self-worth. Because you really, truly are an amazing, wonderful person, Kamui, and I'm not asking that we be pathetic and just lick each others wounds (sort of), but I do think that I want to well, we could do that, but that's what lovers do, and not just because of that, I mean, I'm not trying to get you into the sack, I mean, that's not just-

You've kind of been pissing me off lately. All of this blind self-sacrificing nonsense without looking at any other options to make you happy, when there are others. And don't call me a hypocrite; nobody wants me, I'm too old, my roads are closed off. And to give me another way you'd have to

All right, what really scares the hell out of me. That day I lost my eye Fuuma looked exactly like a man I once knew. You know, that man who killed Hokuto my sister. Sakurazuka Seishirou, the Sakurazukamori. He's actually a Dragon of Earth, but that's not the point. Kamui, for your own sake do not fall in love with a man like that. Well, you already have, but you have to give up. He will only hurt you and those around you. It's a dead end, it's miserable, and that asshole isn't worthy of you because people like that are pathetic and aren't worth shit and it will only bring you pain.

I'm really bad with words and communicating, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, please, please, please please don't give up everything that you have going for you for a lost cause like Fuuma. Trust me, I KNOW it's hard, and I know more than anybody how painful it is, and how he's always on your mind, and how you always think that you can make it better, and how you refuse to give up hope, and how you keep just thinking there has to be a way, and that if you give up you'll regret it, and that he's the only one who can make you happy, but there is somebody else who has fallen in love with you despite being in the same situation and thinking that absolutely, there could be nobody else even if he still loves the other guy and he doesn't know why and wishes to make you happy, to love you and respect you and tend your wounds and provide a place for you to rest and feel safe for once. I Somebody wants to be that to you, even if he's really fucked up and not much better if at all than Fuuma or Seishirou but at least he won't pound your guts through your spine every time he sees you and he would give up smoking for you even if his power would drop and he would never, ever defeat Sei

I've been in the same place, and even though you think nobody could ever understand, I of all people could. Please, please take my advice. Be happy enough for the both of us, even though to do that you'd have to dump me so fast and never even attempt to get close to me because I'm walking pain and give up the dark side. It's a decision to be miserable, and the last thing I want to see is you make that choice. And maybe you could pull us both out, or I could help you pull us out, but this is starting to piss even me off, which is saying something since I've been living in this state for eight years Promises and bets made years ago by children are words. Grow up, live for what you can actually have today, and be happy. Strike out on the road you were meant to take and-"

------------------------

Subaru chewed on the end of his pen and furrowed his eyebrows. Finalizing any sort of statement or profusion of emotion, seldom as they occurred, was somewhat of a difficulty amid his grand difficulty of communication in general. He sometimes wondered if his inability to clearly communicate what he was trying to say without hours of deliberate thought on the subject were more a product of dropping out of high school or years of stunted emotional growth he spent in a stupor of depression. Even before the entire Seishirou incident he had communicated poorly, though at the time he was young and the only people to whom he truly cared to speak - Seishirou, Hokuto, and the spirits - understood his simple logic as if they could read his mind. He needed only to say very plainly what he was feeling, and they could fill in the gaps. When they couldn't, Hokuto or Seishirou was always there to translate vague Subaru into plain, coherent Japanese.

Well, neither one is here right now, and hasn't been for a while, so suck it up and write. He chewed harder on his pen and tapped ashes into the ashtray. And assuming that you get your wish, AND hell freezes over and Kamui falls in love with you? You'll hurt him with its fulfillment, and he'll turn into a You, if I can even flatter myself enough to think that somebody would ever love me that much. It happened once, and she died in the process of protecting me, so she wasn't stuck on earth to mourn but became an angel or whatever the hell-well, she knew you when you were vibrant and alive, adorable little Subaru-kun, not dead, washed-up angsting, chain-smoking-

"Subaru?"

Subaru nearly swallowed the cap of his pen. Kamui was walking up the limestone path cut through the grass to the steps of the pavilion. He was breathing with more difficulty than he should have been with such a low level of activity. His upper arms were still bound in strips of bandage, and he still moved with a stiffness that indicated remaining pain in his ribs.

He looked stone ragged.

"Ah-Kamui!" Subaru looked at his cigarette and the now seemingly thick cloud of smoke it was producing, smashed it into the ashtray, and slammed his binder closed over the letter. "It's-ah-here, it's really smoky over here. We'll-we'll move over to this table over here-"

"Oh, don't worry about me-"

"NO! No, your… uh… your lungs don't need to work any more than they're already working. I mean-yeah-because of the-I'm not saying that you NEED the air, but it would be nice-I'm sure-here, come sit down over here. The air is rather clean. Um, wind is out of the west, and we'll be east-WEST-west, of where I was sitting. Uh…"

Subaru took a deep breath. Kamui was cocking his head and carefully examining Subaru as if he thought he was insane.

"…are you all right, Subaru?"

"Fine! Fine, I was just-working on my rhetoric assignment. Nice weather today."

"Don't you have a class right now?"

"What? Yes, I mean, no, I'm, uh, I withdrew. Actually, yeah…" Subaru scratched his head. Wait a go, dumbass. He thinks you're cracking. "I do. I'm ditching. Didn't feel like it today. Needed a smoke. Care to sit down?"

Subaru moved over to the furthest west table, even though the smoke was already dissipating and as it were blowing into Kamui's face. Kamui shrugged and nudged one of the crumpled letters by the trashcan with his toe.

"Your aim is terrible."

"AH-" Subaru lunged slightly before stopping himself. Kamui was stiffly kneeling-wincing-and collecting the balls of paper-don't do anything! He'll look for sure! It's nothing! He won't look-and then dropped them into the trash blind, still hunched over. Subaru sighed.

Okay, okay, fine, calm down…

"Here… you didn't need to do that-"

"I know I didn't." Kamui straightened and winced, nursing his ribs. He leaned against the trash can. "I need to talk to you."

"Oh, well… here, have a seat." Subaru sat down and gestured across the table. "You look like you need to sit down. Why aren't you in class, anyway?"

"It's PE. I'm exempt for the rest of the school year, so I just ditched. It was that or take kilo times for the coach or man the stopwatch. Might as well make good use of the time."

Kamui stiffly sat down across from Subaru and hissed slightly. Subaru moved his arm more protectively over the cover of his binder. He felt as though every word he had written-even scratched out, especially scratched out-was somehow visible. Guilt had to be written all over his face; he was sure.

"Well, I think you would do less damage to yourself running around a track than jumping across rooftops and being pounded into the concrete."

"Yeah, well, if I'm going to be injured again I might as well do it doing something useful. Would be a shame to use up that one action running for a time."

"Yes, I know. My point is-"

"If I'm too ill to run laps, I shouldn't be chasing the Dragons of Earth? Yes." Subaru closed his mouth. "Sorata-san already had this conversation with me."

"Oh." Don't get jealous, you twit. Sora's straight. There's nothing between them. "I see. Uh… well…" Subaru sighed. "He has a point. We all worry about you. A dead Kamui is more useless than an alive Kamui on hiatus. And-AND we do care about you, there is that, that's first and foremost, I didn't mean-"

"I know, Subaru."

Subaru. Subaru. Subaru. He keeps saying my name. Oh, stop it, grow up, he doesn't mean anything, he never will, shut up, cool down. Focus. Don't get glassy-eyed. No, NOT on his lips, you pervert-

"…is something wrong?"

"What?" Subaru stammered.

"You're acting like something's wrong."

"What? No-no, nothing new. Same old. Don't worry about it."

"Does it have something to do with the Sakurazukamori?"

"N-NO! No, not Sei-not him, no. No." Only partially, though I don't know why in hell he is deserving of my guilt because I am trying to move on. Oh, yeah, I can't move on. "Not that. Um… you said you wanted to talk?"

"…yeah. Uh…" Kamui looked away. "Well…"

"Yes?" Subaru's heart caught. CUT IT OUT; THAT'S NOT IT. But it could be, it could be…but he's turning red… he's blushing, I swear he is, I'm not imagining things, he's blushing, oh my god… STOP IT…

"Are you all right?"

"E-yeah," Subaru swallowed. "Just indigestion. Headache. It's very hot out here."

"Yeah."

"Um… you were saying?"

"… all right." Kamui sighed. "Okay, first… promise you… well, you can't guarantee that… you're going to think I'm crazy."

Subaru sighed. "Kamui, it's my line of work to deal-well, what do I do for a living? Nothing you are going to say could make me thin you are crazy."

"Well, that's why I'm coming to you." Subaru's heart didn't know whether to leap or drop. "You're experienced with this sort of thing. You… well, you won't blow this off and say that I've been getting not enough sleep or something. This seems like your area of expertise."

"Seeing things at night?"

"Well… sort of… not… yeah, but that's not really the problem."

"All right. Start from the beginning."

"…do you know what in incubus is?"

"Of course. They-" Subaru nearly choked. "-um. Well, do you know what an incubus is?"

"They impregnate women in the middle of the night, in their sleep, right?"

"Um-yeah, that's the gist of it. Most women who claimed to have been visited by an incubus were actually having affairs and wanted to hide up pregnancies, but I have seen some actual cases. Um-why?"

"Do you ever-you know-" Kamui went another shade of red. "Uh-you know-feel-it?"

"I-ah-beg your pardon?"

"I mean-well-" Kamui concentrated on wringing his shirt. "-well, first off, do incubi attack without-you know-the objective of getting somebody pregnant? Because I-"

"Wait, stop." Subaru waved his hand. "Do you think that you were raped?"

"…yeah."

"…oh." Oh, fuck. Great. "Are you sure you didn't have a wet dream?"

Kamui jerked his head up and glared. "I'm DAMN SURE-"

"All right, all right. I meant no offence. It's a probable-it's the hopeful answer. Calm down." Subaru folded his hands in front of his mouth to hide a forming snarl. Shut up, calm down, he's not yours, he's free game. Doesn't give anybody the right to fuck around with him. "Now, the female counterpart of the incubus is the succubus; maybe that's what you were-"

"No, this was a guy."

"…you're sure."

Kamui twisted his shirt into a knot.

"…I'm not going to ask."

"I'm pretty fucking sure," growled Kamui.

"All right, fair enough."

"It wasn't an incubus."

"How are you sure?"

"It didn't feel like a-well, I'm sure he was a human. He had very human emotions. That complexity. You know, that darkness, that way that humans usually… I don't know… they all feel as though they have to define their lives in terms of ideals. If that makes any sense whatsoever."

"Yes, it does. Continue."

"That's really the only way I know how to describe it. Anyway… I'll get right to it." Kamui took a deep breath and looked away. "…I think something happened to Fuuma last night."

"…oh…OH…" Subaru cleared his throat. "Oh. Um… yeah, that would explain why you're sensing things… yeah."

"That's not the only thing."

"…oh?"

"I mean… all right." Kamui took a deep breath. "You know how when you walk into a dark room-like, pitch black-and you've been out in the sunlight, you can't see anything even if your eyes are open? You can feel things, but you're still somehow dizzy and disoriented?"

"Yes."

"And then your eyes start to adjust, you see things, shadows and forms and stuff, and you can balance better, you're not so dizzy, and you know more where you are. Your eyes stop hurting and blurring. Everything becomes stable after a while, and you can see distinct shapes? You can walk?"

"Yes."

"It was sort of like that. Well… I mean, becoming aware of what was happening." Kamui's cheeks started to flush again. "First I just thought that I woke up, it was really hot in the room, I thought that for some reason I was-well, I was getting a hard-on for no reason, I was really desperate for somebody to, I don't know, cuddle with or touch or rub on or-oh god." Kamui buried his face in his hands. "You must think I'm a complete sicko."

"Um…" Subaru sat absolutely still. No, kid, I'm enjoying this far too much for my own good. "No, I understand. It's perfectly natural. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's… uh… part of life." I need to teach you about life. STOP IT. "And… well, continue."

"I'm not going to get into further detail."

"Oh." Damn it. "Well, just tell me what's important."

"…it got more vivid." Kamui was speaking very quietly, but steadily, back to wringing his shirt into a rag. "Like… soon, there was somebody there I could feel. It started out like my imagination and got clearer. Like that whole opening your eyes in the dark thing. But something was really odd."

"Hn?"

"It was… well, I knew it wasn't me. I don't know how to describe it." Kamui thought for a moment. "…as if… well, the part of 'Kamui' that was in Fuuma was merging with me, but that part of me was being raped, so I became more aware of it myself until it completely merged-well, not completely, not yet-and I could feel everything." He turned an even deeper red. "Very clearly."

"…uh-huh…"

"Like I was losing sense of myself, I wasn't even sure I was in my room anymore, I could even start to see another man over me, merging into a body that wasn't really mine and wasn't really not mine either. And it was really odd-at that moment, I knew everything Fu-the other Kamui knew, I knew what was happening and why it was happening, I knew who that man was, I knew everything, I was aware of Fuuma and both parts of myself and that man all at once, but everything was still shifting around and not completely part of one mind, sort of like scattered thoughts. You know, the tighter you try to hold them, the more they slip away. Well, uh… and then…"

"…go on."

"I…" Kamui bowed his head and muttered into his collar. "gssahame…"

"What?"

"Gussahame…"

"…what? Kamui, we're both adults here. Just spit it out."

"……I-ah…"

"You had an orgasm."

"WHAT?"

"It means that you ca-"

"I know what it means, and YES, but WHY did you have to say it out loud?"

"Because it's more important than you would think. Kamui…" Subaru grabbed Kamui's shoulder. Kamui was seething and hunched as if he were about to make a break from the table and run. "You have to calm down. I'm trying to talk to you like a mature adult. Come on, this is-well, it's actually a very dangerous form of manipulation. Sex, I mean. That's very important. An orgasm is a moment when the mind is at a divine level of clarity and blankness, susceptible to a higher awareness. It used to be worshiped in some religions-that's the reason for dignified sex cults, not the ones that just want to fuck around all the time-as a way to divine enlightenment. It's a very powerful tool."

"Well, all right, whatever the hell it's good for-" Kamui swatted Subaru's hand off his shoulder. "-it happened. And I went completely limp."

"…expected."

"NOT IN THAT WAY!" Kamui jumped up and started to pace violently, hands folded behind his back. "Well… yes… but that's not what I mean! I mean-I was completely relaxed, and there was all of that enlightenment shit-don't ask, because I don't remember, and I really don't want to-but I was fully myself. Like, I was just myself, there was no dark and light Kamui, there was no power, there was no need for balance. And I think-it must have happened that for that moment, Fuuma was himself. And I was aware of all of them-Fuuma, as if he were lying right inside me, not in the sick sense, but like, inside my skin-"

Kamui went slightly red and paused, chewing on a hangnail. Jealousy rose up in Subaru's chest. Oh, for gods' sake, stop that nonsense. You know that he's in love with Fuuma; nothing will change that. He has hope. Let him have it. He's off limits to you anyway.

"-well, just for a split second. Everything was right in the world. As if we were both whole again. And then I passed out. Didn't wake up until morning, didn't remember a damn thing." Kamui took a deep breath. "I… I wasn't harmed when I woke up, and I do remember that it-hurt-a lot-that I should have been hurt, but I was fine. I was wrapped up in my sheets and gasping. It was stiflingly hot under the covers, and I had to wash my sheets and take a shower before school, but I'm fine. Really. I must not have made any noise or everybody would be in my room in seconds." He looked at Subaru. "You must think I'm insane."

"What? No!" Subaru shook his head. "No, not at all. I've dealt with cases like this. It's actually quite common, that if one thing happens to somebody close to you you'll feel it. And, well, you're doubly susceptible since part of you is in Fuuma right now. So it's sort of happening to you, whatever happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean-well, if Fuuma decided to take a lover in his dark form, you learned about it in the rudest way possible. Were you able to identify the man who was-well, raping you?"

"Well…he seemed familiar. I couldn't move my arms or do anything. I really don't remember." Kamui sighed and crossed his arms. "It's not as if he was giving out strong vibes of love or anything. He was just fucking around. He was almost like a void."

The class bell rang, but neither one paid attention.

Subaru's heart lurched. …no, no, NO, that's impossible. NO. There are a lot of people who are like that. A depressingly large number of people, people who just fuck around with anybody to feel loved. He's not Seishirou. He can't be Seishirou. He would never-

"I mean-he had definite emotions, he was definitely human, but there was something about him that was terrifying up that close. Like he could just as easily rip my head off as cradle it. Like he was completely empty at his core, even though he was full of emotions. Hollow. But there are a lot of people like that." Kamui clutched his side. "Whoever he was, he has no right to use Fuuma like that."

"Fuuma is not in charge of that body right now."

"But he was for a split second last night!"

"…you're right." Subaru thought for a moment. "…you're absolutely right."

"Huh?"

"Never mind.

"…all right."

"But do you remember anything-anything, the smallest thing-about this man?"

"…nothing small about him." Kamui coughed and sat down. Subaru smacked his forehead. "He had a cold smile. I mean-well, when I said void, I meant everything. He must have been pretty. Luciferian-grade pretty. I think he got some sick perversion out of staring into my eyes and watching the reactions-"

"What about his eyes?"

"Huh?"

"Were they… did he have a blind eye? A marble eye, completely white?"

"I don't remember."

"…Oh. I see."

"Do you think he's that man who killed your sister?"

"What? No, I doubt it." Liar. "That's not his style. He never touches other humans in that way. Never. He hates any sort of close, intimate contact. Even if there's no feeling behind it, no. He doesn't do that. He just kills them."

"Oh."

"There's not much else to say. If Fuuma has a boyfriend, so much the worse for the boyfriend." Subaru subconsciously reached for his cigarette pack in his shirt pocket and stopped himself. "I'll seal off your room tonight so that if he has any other…encounters, you won't be affected."

"All right. Thank you so much for listening."

"Oh…" Subaru was tempted to pat Kamui on the shoulder, but felt as if it would be somehow inappropriate or seemingly too forward. Even though I've done it before. What the hell is wrong with you, Subaru? Double jealousy, you pathetic twat? You don't even know if it was Seishirou. He really doesn't do that sort of thing, so stop worrying. Right now. "No, this is my area. I'm glad that you felt that you could talk to me. Nothing embarrassing about this at all; trust me. I'll fix your room so that you're spared from this nonsense from now on. Hey." Subaru forced a wan smile. "If you didn't talk to me you might not be sleeping for months."

"Yeah. Oh, I'm really late for class." Kamui stood slowly. "I'd better go."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Well…"

"Hey, thanks for listening to me."

"Oh!" Subaru nodded and pulled out his cigarette pack. "It was no problem. I enjoy getting the chance to talk to you."

"Even about this stuff?"

"Well, whatever."

"Ah." Kamui smiled. Subaru almost felt a stupid grin crack his face. Stop. It. Right. Now. Cold shower and a run.

"Well, I'd better go. I'll see you later."

"Yeah, later."

Kamui waved over his shoulder and left. Subaru watched him and pulled a cigarette out of his pack with his teeth, meditating on many things and in sore need of a smoke. He sighed and blew a thin stream of smoke, trying to soothe his nerves into a relative state of placid compliance.

Kamui's hands became visible when he turned the corner.

Subaru almost swallowed his cigarette.

…Oh… shit…