Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Perfect Circle ❯ CMOS ( Chapter 3 )

We look before and after,

And pine for what is not:

Our sincerest laughter

With some pain is fraught;

Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought… [1]

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"Do you think people who kill for no reason are hollow?"

"Huh?"

"I mean… people who take life for no reason."

"I know what you meant." Yuuto started to laugh. "Well, that sort of goes hand-in-hand with what you were asking that poor girl earlier, doesn't it? Huh…" He took a sip of tea and hissed. "Still hot…"

"Hn."

Satsuki prodded the lemon slice floating at the top of her mug with her pinky and swilled it absentmindedly, leaning heavily on her arm to the point that it almost folded over completely. She and Yuuto were taking an afternoon break at the table set up by BEAST, as of yet still alone. The base had been empty all morning.

The steam started to fog her glasses. Satsuki removed them and cleaned the lenses on the hem of her overshirt.

"Did I make you think?" asked Yuuto.

"Hm?"

"I mean… did I actually make our Cyber Girl ponder something? I did prove that there are some things only age and no amount of intelligence can emulate?"

" 'Emulate'. That's a rather large word." Stop flirting with me. I like it too damn much.

"It's your shining influence. My mind is being expanded just hanging around you. It must be all of that rampant mental energy."

"That's enough." Satsuki replaced her glasses over her eyes and took a sip of tea. "I'm quite serious. I want to hear your viewpoint."

"Why?" Yuuto smiled and rested his chin on steepled hands. Always closing his eyes when he is smiling. It's as if he's trying to hide something. Surely there has to be something up there besides fluid. "Does my viewpoint provide such inspiration?"

"I am merely curious." You have no idea, Yuuto. So simple and so obvious. The most brilliant bits of information, it is said, come from unconscious comprehension, something that seems to be your specialty. Without effort. A flow of awareness. I do so envy that-

"Well…" Yuuto set his teacup on his saucer. "You want to hear what I think?"

"Yes."

"All right. This makes for lovely teatime conversation." He stretched his arms behind him and popped his neck. "This is why I do so love time with you. You listen to my ramblings."

"Then let us get to that point."

Yuuto waved his hands and laughed. "Fine, fine."

Satsuki's stomach dropped. I hate it when he does that. I like it too much. I do not need this nonsense right now.

"How you define a 'hollow' person… well… let's start with an idea." Yuuto leaned back on his folded hands with relaxed grace. Damn good. Damn. "Well… let's see… hm… ah!" Yuuto lowered his hands, fingers still loosely interlaced, as if pointing at Satsuki. "How do you define a human?"

"Homo sapien."

"Okay, fair enough. You can say that. But that's like saying… huh… that's like saying that BEAST is a collection of silicon, electrical impulses, and complementary metal-oxide semiconductor microchips, binary zeroes and ones, that's all."

"That is what the BEAST is, Yuuto-"

"I'm not finished; let me finish. Trust me."

"All right."

"Well… uh…" Yuuto moved his hands as if trying to encompass something. "There's something else THERE… just above the surface, a feeling, a unified consciousness that makes all of that stuff make sense. Fall into place. It's beautifully synchronized, if you think about it and throw chaos variables into every minute reaction in that machine. It's almost as if it's conscious. Same effect with living things. We're masses of carbon-based chemical miracles, but a human… what is a human, what is that thing beyond the surface that defines us?"

That's it? "I am not impressed, Yuuto."

"Oh, good, because neither am I." Yuuto started to laugh again. "I'm trying to speak your language. A bunch of very technical run-around and preface before getting to the point. Right."

"Whatever." Satsuki took another sip and watched Yuuto over the rim of the cup. "I need no translation to fill in blanks, thank you just the same."

"I sense some malice in your voice. Have I offended you?"

"No, I just know that people who don't know what they are really talking about try to speak with redundantly wordy prose to cover up their absolute lack of knowledge or comprehension of a subject. People who really know what they are talking about are able to define things in simple terms and analogies."

"Oh… ouch. Shot down." Yuuto laughed. "Touché, touché. I agree with you. I didn't expect you to be impressed. But… ah, this is a very difficult thing to put in words. I don't think anybody fully understands it, you see. Hm… ah!" Yuuto clapped. "How do I define a human… well…" He folded his hands under his chin again. "Humans define themselves in terms of variables not related to basic survival. We live for things beyond survival. We create our own morals, our own reasons, try to validate our existence in terms of things abstract and originating not in the physical world but in our minds. Humans are remarkable-" He took a sip of tea and coughed. "-excuse me; still hot. Um, where was I? Ah, remarkable. Yes. We define our entire lives around luxuries not related to survival. We survive for love, for success, for honor, for meaning, for knowledge, for strength, to prove ourselves, to fulfill abstract ideals."

"…huh…"

"You see, the most precious things to humans are those they do not need." Yuuto sighed. "You don't need love. You don't need knowledge, or honor, to physically survive. I mean, yeah, when you're hurt or dying that's foremost on your mind, but that's a survival adaptation. We're still bound by the whole mortal coil business. But… yes, there isn't a meaning to life without those things we create in our minds. Our ideas of sin and morality, completely unrelated to survival. You know survival of the fittest? Humans don't adhere to that, we have chivalry, and ethics, and due process. And yet we are the only ones to kill without instinctive reason. So bound in this human condition both ways! And you say-well, when people say that they can't live without something like love, they in fact can, but there is no point to living anymore. Survival in itself, just spreading the seed and continuing the species, is in itself no goal. It's a means to a greater end, something-beyond ourselves." Yuuto sat back smugly. "And so we are human."

"…oh."

"What do you say to that, Satsuki-chan? Always distinguishing ourselves from animals in our high ideals and reasons for living, our ways of filling our voids to make us feel as if we have divine reason?"

"…I do agree." Satsuki took another sip. "That was along the lines of my original theory."

"Oh, so great minds do think alike!"

It wasn't a total lie. I was thinking that, but not in such simple terms. Not so cleanly. Damn you, Yuuto.

"Now, hollow people-"

"Are looking for something to fill the void. For reason, or validation."

"Or they're trying to drag everybody down with them. Hollow only by relative terms, darling. Misery loves company. But do you know what I think is the most pathetic thing about hollow people?"

"No."

"They make themselves that way." Yuuto poured more tea into his glass and speared another lemon slice with a toothpick. "They choose to be unhappy, to have all of these 'oh woe is me I'm so dark and tormented' reasons for being the way that they are when all they're trying to do is make themselves look strong or deep or sensitive, something like that. They choose not to be happy because being happy is somehow, sadly, linked with being vacuous. Superficial. But depression is a very common mask for true superficiality. People look at depression and think, 'Wow, how deep,' when in fact it can be a very shallow mask. Indeed, in this day and age, a group mentality, so sanctioned."

"And there are no people with reason for depression?"

"I didn't say that. I said 'hollow' people, dear."

Stop calling me that. Please. "And there are no hollow people who are mere cowards?"

"Ah, cowards in so many ways."

"To fear emotions, their own vulnerability, and so in the fashion of common bullies label those who live with their emotions as weak while they in fact speak of their own fears of themselves. And… to fear being considered the same. Weak-minded people raised in a society where emotion is weakness, and so take on this belief to gain society's label as 'tormented', 'deep', 'strong', or 'cool', so romanticized."

"Yes…"

"And in that…" Satsuki took a sip and smirked. "…it is to say that to be depressed, fulfill expectations, feel some gravity in one's transactions and to respect conventions… is as much filling a void as not. It is just as pointless in the grand scheme of things to go merely with ease or with a 'flow', as you like to say, as it is to try to fabricate reason for every movement."

"Very good!" Yuuto motioned toward the ornate cookie dolly. "Have a biscuit."

"I'm not hungry."

"You're too skinny. No, eat, eat. Have a flan. It's lovely. I made it myself this morning."

"…hn…"

"It's fresh. I used a lot of sugar on the top. Strawberry. Your favorite. Come now." Yuuto rotated the tier so that the flan in question was facing Satsuki. "It has your name on it."

Satsuki smiled to herself and took the flan. "You do like to play around with eggs, don't you?"

"Harbingers of strong emotions. I manipulate them well."

…what? "I beg your pardon?"

"Eggs, I mean. Make cakes good enough to make you cry. I've developed quite a talent." He smirked across the table. Satsuki forced herself to stare back at him and quell the feeling that her stomach was about to melt out.

God. Damn. You. Stop. It.

"Quite the eligible bachelor, aren't you?"

"A prime catch." He tapped himself on the head with his forefinger. "I could make all of the food while my wife takes care of the technical things. Wiring and suchlike. And I'd never make her call the repairman. I'd be a good, trusting house-husband."

Satsuki's heart skipped. What the HELL is he playing at, anyway? "Such a lucky wife for you."

"Well, I get to do what I like, so I win, at least. I'd rather bake cakes than muck around in the attic with chords and the rats and suchlike. I don't like rats."

"They're rather more enjoyable than humans sometimes."

"Oh, how so?"

"They don't ramble."

"…oh!" Yuuto clutched at his chest and laughed. "You wound me, Satsuki-chan. Well, you did ask me to go off."

"I know." Satsuki smiled. "I did ask for it."

"Ah! There it is!"

"…what?" Oh don't even say it-

"That smile! It's beautiful. I do wish I saw it with sincerity more often."

This is an excellent time for somebody to interrupt. Please. Door needs to burst open. Kanoe, Nataku, Kamui, Seishirou, I don't fucking CARE-actually, don't, do, I-fuck, I don't know…nobody come in and see how red I am-shit-

"Um…" Satsuki coughed and cleaned her glasses again. "I have many things on my mind."

"Or you are forcing yourself."

"Oh, really?" Satsuki replaced her glasses over her eyes and stared at Yuuto. "And am I one of those hollow people about which you so eloquently spoke?"

"No, you're just reserved. But I do wish you would open up more." Yuuto looked over his shoulder. "And perfect timing."

"Kanoe."

"Yes, and it seems that she's in quite a temper."

Kanoe usually was in a temper, or at least distraught as of late, so the approaching presence was not unusually unnerving. Satsuki shrugged and took a sip of her tea.

The doors burst open.

"Ah, Kanoe!" Yuuto waved over his shoulder. "You're just in time. We have lemon-"

"Where's Kamui?"

"Eh?"

Satsuki snorted to herself. Oh, yeah. BEAST told me about that last night. God, what a show-wow, Kanoe looks a mess. The jealous part of her took satisfaction in this. Kanoe looked as though she had just been resurrected from the crypt. Her normally cool, well-groomed image had been shattered. So much the cool Kanoe, revealing her true colors under pressure. What a bitch.

"…which Kamui?" asked Yuuto.

"OUR Kamui! Where is he?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him in two days. Here…" Yuuto set a small cookie on a saucer and offered it to Kanoe. "Have a cookie."

Kanoe smacked the dish out of Yuuto's hand and hauled him up by the necktie. Satsuki clutched the arms of her chair but remained seated and kept her face smooth. Stupid, stupid bitch. So easily shattered under the slightest pressure. Honey, put your dress back on. It's falling off. As usual.

"I DON'T NEED THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW, YUUTO. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW IN MY SISTER'S DREAM, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN UP ALL NIGHT SEARCHING THE WHOLE DAMNED CITY-"

"He was at the Sakurazuakmori's house."

Kanoe stopped cold, slowly looked at Satsuki, and dropped Yuuto.

"…oh." She smoothed out her dress and tried to smooth her hair back. Yuuto sat up and shook the pain out of his head from his fall.

"…that's… great. Just great." She smoothed her hair incessantly with shaking hands, opening her mouth as if she wanted to say something but could not force the words out. Yuuto pulled himself up and shoved a chair under Kanoe's legs as she collapsed.

"…oh… thanks," she said, blindly accepting a saucer of tea from Yuuto. She gulped the entire cup. "…why?"

"Making friends, I assume." Yuuto refilled the glass and dropped in a lemon. "I think it's great that he's getting to know all of his coworkers so well. It's a great work ethic. Win the acceptance of the troops, and the general will have support at his weakest hour."

Like any of us give a damn. Satsuki narrowed her eyes at Kanoe, who was now gasping and clutching at her chest, holding the glass weakly with loose fingers. Like he really gives a damn. The best manipulators are the most likable people.

"Well, getting to know in the Biblical sense."

"…what?" said Kanoe vaguely.

"Oh… oh my!" Yuuto started laughing. "Well, well, well. He has been busy, hasn't he? Satsuki-chan, have you been spying on people again?"

Maybe. Just maybe. Probably enjoying it too much. "Only as I am instructed by Kanoe-san."

"Oh-oh really?" Kanoe looked at Satsuki. "And why didn't you tell me?"

I was watching the show. "Did not see the need."

"Or otherwise occupied."

Satsuki glared at Yuuto. Asshole.

"What?" asked Kanoe.

"You don't get it?"

"I'm afraid that I don't. Look-Sakura-that man is going to screw things over for us-and-according to my sister's dream-I don't know how-but he is-and he has to stay away from Kamui-"

"Hate is a force of attraction. Hate is love with its back turned."

"…huh?"

"Terry Pratchett."

Kanoe thought for a moment, gasped, and covered her mouth as though she were going to choke. Yuuto snorted.

" 'Love with its back turned' in so many ways, isn't it? And I assume you know exactly what I mean, Satsuki-chan."

"What?"

"Viewing diplomatic proceedings, I assume."

Satsuki smirked. Oh yes. "Well, there is a thermostat control in Sakurazuka's bedroom."

"Goodness!" Yuuto whacked Kanoe on the back, the latter of whom nearly doubled over in numb shock. "I will never understand what women like about gay men. Then again, I have my thing with lesbians that most women don't understand. Except for other lesbi-"

"Yuuto, Satsuki, shut up." Kanoe stood up and began to pace, now thoroughly distraught. "This is-really-bad. Really-really… really…"

"I don't see what's so bad about it." Yuuto shrugged. "So Kamui found himself a boyfriend. That's cute. At least the guy is on our side-"

"It's Sakurazuka Seishirou," she hissed. "And you don't know how frighteningly this fulfills my sister's new dream."

"…huh? I assume it wasn't 'All You Need is Love', now was it? Put aside our weapons and sing?"

"NO!" Kanoe clutched her hair and paced faster. "There is so much beyond the friends-lovers-thing, all right? This is horrendously dangerous. Horrendously. This sort of things renders sanity in intact people. And our Kamui is already on a knife's edge. He's not INTACT. And the last thing he needs-last thing he needs-is that mercenary bastard worming into his psyche. Gaining his power. Doing whatever the hell else-"

"Giving him a good whipping?"

Satsuki almost giggled. For some reason she was having mental images of a catholic schoolgirl Fuuma being whipped by his ungodly priest.

"YUUTO, THIS IS SERIOUS!" Kanoe stopped pacing and hugged herself protectively, rubbing her arms as if there was a sudden chill. Her dress truly was beginning to fall off. Satsuki blinked. She hadn't even bothered to lace the dress properly, she wasn't wearing shoes, and her makeup appeared to be at least a day old, or slept in. It was direly unlike Kanoe to be so disheveled over such a small issue.

"I think that you're blowing things far out of proportion." Yuuto took the cup out of Kanoe's loose fingers and set it on the table behind him. "It's not like he's going to find love and want to defend the world of his loved ones or something. He's just fucking. Trust me." He smiled. "Men can fuck without feeling a damned thing. We're horny brutes through and through. Don't let it worry you."

Kanoe didn't respond.

"…or are you just jealous?"

Kanoe snapped, hurled a plate at Yuuto, and stomped out the door. Yuuto narrowly ducked. The plate grazed his shoulder and smashed into the wall.

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[1]  Percy Bysshe Shelley, "To a Skylark"