Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Perfect Circle ❯ Silent Jealousy ( Chapter 4 )

The future is always one.

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"…and it will never change."

"Are you really so sure about that?"

Hinoto weakly looked up at the pale figure traversing the viscous lake of her dreams, walking across the fluid and sending rings across the surface with every step. The waves lapped at the tendrils of her hair and the hem of her robe.

Water was dripping from the black sky.

"Kakyou, isn't it?"

"Are you still mourning the death of that boy?"

"Not so much his death as the death of my will, such as it is."

"…oh."

Kakyou perched as if on an invisible chair next to Hinoto and crossed his legs. Though blind, Hinoto always sensed Kakyou as a serene, hopeless presence, as of late with the paradoxical tendency to cite the theory that the future was undecided when he should have known damn well that it was always preordained. She exhaled through her nose.

"My shadow is fast approaching, Kakyou. You should leave this place lest I harm you. Well you know that a dreamseer can harm another dreamseer though we cannot harm those who live in the time continuum."

"I know." Kakyou traced patterns in the water with his toe. "But I still feel that we must talk. As you know, you will not harm me, and that if you would in some way kill me I would be much obliged. But it will not come to pass."

"What do you want?"

"You have seen what is happening. The future is becoming… how should I say… well… more or less, altered in the details. Different routes to the same inevitable fate for the world."

Hinoto drew further into her robe. The bells along her garment jangled. The slight movement disturbed multiple clashing rings of disturbance along the surface of the water.

"I know, Kakyou, and there is nothing we can do about it, as you also know."

"…I know."

Hinoto sniffed and burrowed further into her robe. / It would be nice if he would comfort me, somehow. Curses, this useless crying nonsense again. /

/--And you would like that, wouldn't you?-

Hinoto ignored her smirking reflection and looked over her shoulder at Kakyou weakly, not so much to see him as to further sense his presence.

"Kakyou?"

"Yes?"

"Does it not annoy you that we can do nothing for these people?"

"Of course it does." Kakyou sighed. "I… well, I guess I'm sorry for bothering you. I just felt as though I should check with somebody to see if my dreams were… I don't know… right."

"Do you have a reason to begin to doubt your dreams?"

--Because he's beginning to believe the girl's nonsense about the future being undecided.-

/ Hush. Be nice. /

"…not really." Kakyou stood. "Just dreams in general, I guess. Out of curiosity… did you see…?"

"The death?"

"Yes."

"And this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper?"

"…of course."

"I see."

"And the Shinken…?"

"Yes."

"Well, if the future is changed, my dream will not be realized. I mean… sort of… enters a stalemate for a while. And then the battle is only between individual humans and not for the fate of the world."

Hinoto smiled to herself. "Of course, the reason they are fighting in the first place to preserve the earth. So that they can fight over things such as this. Love, possession, fulfillment. To worry over those things, Kakyou, is a luxury, you see, only achieved when survival is ensured. These are the things for which humans survive."

"I know. God, trust me, I know."

"…I'm sorry, Kakyou."

"No, it's all right." Kakyou nodded with a smile that could not be called so much genuine as ironic. "Games such as love have high stakes and high casualties. I accepted the risk."

"Or could you not help it?"

"…I could have pushed her away. But… huh… no." Kakyou turned and walked off. "I wouldn't trade it, even now. Thank you for your time."

--Does he really mean that?-

/ HUSH. /  "Oh, thank you for visiting."

--Beings like to claim that they would suffer for love, but in the end they'd rather not. They're as shallow as they pretend not to be.-

"Oh, shut up."

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Silent jealousy
Don't you leave me alone
Falling into sadness adorned with the love
That I can't return to
Into this repeating loneliness

Tell me true, wherever I go
I must learn to love pain
I still want your love, stop your love
Extinguish the memories that grow into madness (1)

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"…the fact that Hinoto-hime is actin' oddly lately. I mean, yeah, when I went'n talked to 'er she was all mysterious as she usually is, you know, self-possessed and sorta filled with fragile sadness, like a-a-well, sorta like a glass jar filled with sadness, but, instead of sadness it's water? Like it looks calm-like and whatnot but you know that's because it's pure and there's… uh…"

"Hm."

"Am I makin' any sense at all?"

"I know what you are trying to say."

"Well, uh, like that. Do you think somethin's up?"

Arashi sighed and scraped the remnants of curry off of a plate into the sink with the back of a fork under running water and set both in the dishwasher. "She has been given a heavy cross to bear. She had to watch Saiki-kun die in the very way that she dreamed without being able to help him. And I am sure that she is in a great deal of pain knowing our fates and being unable to aid in any way. Helplessness is a crippling burden."

"Oh. Literally, huh. And blinding. Get it? Hah?"

Arashi cringed. Sorata set a spoon he had been using to scrape plates on the rim of the sink and scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. "Well, if I were her I'd be rather flattered that a fella decided to die for me."

Arashi slammed a plate and a heavy spoon into the sink and stomped up the stairs.

"…HEY! Nee-chan!" Sorata threw his current work into the sink with a resounding cascade-clash and ran to the bottom of the stairs. He caught himself on the handrail and leaned forward as though seconds from charging up after her, holding himself back only out of what he hoped Arashi would interpret as propriety. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean any of that! It was jus' a joke, y'know? I-I really didn't mean that! I feel terrible! I swear! I mean-I'm not trying to be-I mean-well-I'm trying to make light of the situation-and then I'm really not, I mean, I'm not meaning any disrespect!-and I'm not putting any pressure on you, Nee-chan, that's not it, I swear, I'm not implying-I-ah-oh, fuck…"

/ Wait a go, fucktard. You really did it this time. /  Sorata allowed his hand to slide down the guardrail and stood awkwardly at the foot of the stairs, divided between charging after Arashi and giving her time to cool down. The water was still running over the dishes in the sink. / You can't do a damn thing right where she's concerned. Well, she's too damn hyper, but you KNOW that! She doesn't appreciate your jokes. Just-she knows that you didn't mean anything bad, she has to, you're not that kind of guy. Surely everybody can see that. Can't they? /

Sorata shoved his hands into his jacket pockets awkwardly and bounced slightly in place, still wondering whether to earn points by finishing the dishes-the right way, for once, show her that he had been listening to her instructions all this time-or by rushing up to Arashi and apologizing on bended knee, as usual. She never took well to the latter option. She seemed to take it almost as some form of offence.

/ Well, in this day and age you can't even offer to hold a girl's hand without her getting all indignant. Liberated women, indeed. Things were much easier back when. Now you have to play a million games and-well, I guess it wasn't any easier then than now. Women still like to feel protected, don't they, no matter how strong they are? I mean, hell, I wouldn't mind a woman protectin' me, so why should it be any different… /

The front door slammed. Sorata sighed and turned around, smoothing his hair back.

"Oh, hey, Subaru."

"Hey."

Subaru slammed his shoulder bag into a chair under the table and dropped into an adjacent chair, crossing his legs and pulling his cigarette pack out of his breast pocket. He nudged a cigarette up with his thumbnail and pulled the cylinder out of the pack with his teeth, fishing in his pocket with his other hand.

"Hey, no smoking in the house."

Subaru glanced sideways at Sorata, stood up, scraping the chair sharply across the floor in the process, and stomped back out the door.

"…hey!" Sorata followed Subaru to the porch. "Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? You're worse than usual!"

"Hm." Subaru lit the cigarette and shoved his lighter back into his breast pocket, cradling the roll between his lips loosely.

"Did somethin' happen at school or somethin'?"

"No."

"Well, then, what the hell is wrong?"

"Nothing, Sorata-san. All right?"
"Jeez, fine, all right. I'll stop asking. Do you want to know what's wrong with me?"

"No."

"Nee-chan's all pissed at me because I stuck my foot in my mouth again and offended her somehow, and I was only tryin' to cheer her up, and now I'm stuck with a sinkfull of dishes and no help, and I'm as sure as hell not going to ask her for help right now. And all I was trying to do was be nice."

"Hm."

"Did you find Yuzuriha?"

"No."

"Did you even look?"

"No."

"WHAT?" Sorata grabbed Subaru's shoulder. "You and Kamui were supposed to do that! What the hell happened?"

"Kamui has it covered."

"WHAT? Why aren't you with him? Did you have a fight or somethin'?"

"No."

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?"

"He's not alone."

"...oh." Sorata released his grip on Subaru's shoulder. Subaru turned away and took a long drag of his cigarette. The smoke clouded the late evening air. Sorata huffed. He loathed cigarettes; their very nature was disgusting and polluting, something considered cousin to the sin of murder by his upbringing. The view of the bruise-pink late evening sunset was being ruined by the haze.

"Then… who's he with? Karen-san? Seiichirou-san?"

"Segawa Keiichi."

"That kid? Jeez!" Sorata clawed at the air as though trying to squeeze an invisible neck. "It's good that Kamui's makin' friends, but for God's sake, he's a civilian! This is Dragon of Heaven work, Subaru! What the FUCK were you thinking? He's going to get fucking KILLED!"

Subaru sighed and released a thin stream of smoke into the air, notably crestfallen and slouching even more than was his custom. The eyelid not covered by bandage was drooping to the point that all green was obscured by thick lashes. "Because, Sorata, I didn't want to interfere with their evening out. All right? I would be the third wheel."

"Fuck, it's not like they're datin' or somethin'." Sorata grabbed Subaru by the shoulders and spun him around. "All right, Kamui's alone, fucking injured and recently released from the hospital from having his ribs smashed up and a fucking rod shoved clear through his stomach-he might fall apart any minute, you probably should follow him around with duct tape-with a poor guy what recently lost his whole family, and all because you're too much of a pussy to assert yourself and tag on his ass like white on rice, which is what you damn well should be doing!"

"You don't understand."

"No, you're right, I probably don't. I don't understand how you could stand there smoking like you think you're really fucking cool-"

"I do not think I am-"

"-when you really have no guts whatsoever. Grow a fucking spine."

"All right." Subaru pushed Sorata's hands off of his shoulders. "If there is the slightest sign of trouble, I promise that I will go out immediately."

"ARGH." Sorata stomped into the house, slamming the screen door behind him with such force that it bounced back open, and stomped back out with his cap and sans his apron before the door had fully stopped jolting against the doorframe. "Fine. I'll go look after Kamui. You know damn well he can't produce a spirit shield yet, so you'd have no way of knowin' what's up until it's too late. Spineless cur. Good person, spineless cur."

"Thank you."

"Just… finish the dishes." Sorata jumped over the hedges. "Tell the Nee-chan I'm sorry and I'll be back if she comes down."

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Even when I shout "Don't go!", the wild bird flies to the sky… (2)

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/ It's really lovely out here at night…Great weather… Love the lights… Oh, fuck, I think I'm broke; I'm not going to make Keiichi-san pay for everything…/

Kamui sighed and fingered through his pocket, mentally counting bills and trying to remember exactly how much money he had left. He and Keiichi were sitting at a ramen cart in a lantern-decked alleyway in the Mejirou area, one of the few untouched areas of the city. Keiichi had been rambling for hours straight, it seemed, and Kamui was allowing his attention to wander while trying to maintain a polite look of interest. The result was that he looked quite glazed.

 "…and then, well, I'd fly all over the city." Keiichi spread his arms so suddenly that Kamui had to block with a sore arm. He winced. Keiichi glanced at Kamui and recoiled.

"Oh-oh god!" He grabbed Kamui's arm gently. "I'm so sorry! I completely forgot about this! It-did I hurt you? I'm so sorry-"

"It's all right, Keiichi." Kamui held up his free hand in assurance and gently pulled away. "I've gotten much worse. I heal very quickly. Don't worry."
"But they're broken!"

"It's all right, Keiichi. Really." Kamui returned to his ramen and stirred the chicken around in the broth with a deep, ladle-like spoon. "Um… I'm sorry, what were you saying about flying?"

"Oh, I was just continuing on my superhero thing, you know. The childish wishing nonsense. Don't mind me." He laughed. "I ramble a lot. Just kick me when you want me to shut up."

"Oh, no, I really don't mind at all. It's… rather interesting…"

"Oh, really?" Keiichi picked up his bowl and tilted the broth into his mouth. He mumbled into the sloshing mixture. "Then--what--did I say?"

"Um…" / Oh, shit, think of something, fast… / "You want to become a superhero to protect the ones you love."

"Sort of moved past that, but yeah." Keiichi set the bowl on the counter and gave a satisfied sigh. Half of the broth had been downed. / And, miraculously, there isn't a drop on his shirt. Must be good at this. Damn. / "That's good stuff. Well, in any case, you got the gist of it and missed the nonsense. But I like the nonsense the most; that's the fun part." He looked at Kamui's untouched ramen. "Are you going to eat that?"

"Um… oh…" Kamui swilled the chicken and onions around and took a small sip. "I'm not very hungry. But this is good. My compliments to the chef."

The man behind the high, glass counter nodded and continued to watch a baseball game on a small portable TV, leaning on the counter with one hand. The lantern and overhead lights were glaring off of the glass in a fashion Kamui was tempted to think of as enchanting if not somehow comforting. The casualty of the setting was comforting, for once. For once, he was reminded, behind the glass windows building the city there was intended to be light and life. Television was still broadcasting baseball; there were people behind the screen, running the radio waves, the cameras, announcing, playing, attending the game, trying to forget their problems for the time being, if not succeeding well, at least trying. There were other people in the city picking up the poor reception from the distant, still-standing television towers. Things seemed right for once in this capsule.

/ This must be one of those small things I'll remember all of my life. One of those things. Um. I guess it should feel more poignant or something, but… it's kind of without glamour…funny how the mind works when it's not being fucking annoying. /

"Come on, eat up!" Keiichi fished a piece of beef out of his ramen and slurped it out of his spoon. The crowd on the television cheered as the announcer declared a home run. "You eat like a girl. Well, like a starving girl; I've known girls who eat almost as much as I do, and they're your size. Smaller, even. But that's not the point. The point is, you need to eat. You're healing! There's a lot of good protein in that chicken for you! Vitamins, nutrients! Are you anorexic?"

"What? No-no, just not hungry."

"How can you be not hungry?" Keiichi scooped a large piece of chicken out of Kamui's ramen with his spoon and shoved it toward Kamui's mouth. "Come on, eat!"

"I'm not-"

"Eat!"

"I'm-"

"I won't have any of this depression nonsense! You're alive, so eat and grow strong so that you can preserve what you have! Even if you don't feel like it, you need to heal, Kamui. You need to eat."

Kamui sighed and looked up at Keiichi. "We need to go keep looking for Yuzuriha."

"Eat first!" Keiichi grabbed Kamui's jaw and forced it open, tilting the spoon between his teeth. Kamui made small gagging noises and clutched at Keiichi's wrists. The ramen man ignored them, tensely watching the game and chanting to himself. "I made you stop because you were getting exhausted, and if you really are so worried about wasting time, you'll eat up now! Because we're not leaving until the whole bowl of ramen is gone."

Kamui choked on the chicken and coughed violently. Keiichi dropped the spoon into the ramen with a splash and patted Kamui on the back. Kamui gasped and swallowed properly.

/ He's going to fucking kill me someday…/

"All right!" Kamui picked up the huge bowl and hefted it toward his mouth. "I'll eat! You win!" He smiled to himself behind the bowl. "You've made your point, all right? I'll eat. Then we go find Yuzuriha."

"I mean-oh!" Keiichi helped Kamui steady the bowl. "Is this too spicy for your stomach? I know the doctor demanded easy foods for you to digest-"

"It's fine; it's just chicken broth." Kamui took a breath. "I don't think I was supposed to eat that piece of chicken, though."

"Oh, sorry. If you get sick we can stop at a quick stop for a while. I'll buy something so that you can use the restroom."

"Keiichi!-"

"Hey, it's cool. I understand. It happens to everybody. God, this one time a friend of mine and me had, like, five plates of sushi-"

"Keiichi! God! I really don't want to know!" Kamui gasped and set the bowl of ramen on the counter, sloshing broth all over the wood. His stomach was already beginning to growl painfully. "That's the best case scenario anyway right next to nothing happening."

"More worried that your guts will just fall out? Stomach will turn inside-out?"

"That sounds about right."

"Start bleeding out your ass?"

--rape-

Kamui choked and banged his head on the counter. / No, no, no, no, not this again. It's over. It's over. Nothing really happened to you, it happened to Fuuma, it happened to Fuuma,  it was his choice, it's all right, no, it's not all right, it's not all right, it's not all- /

"…Kamui? Oh…" Keiichi patted him on the shoulder awkwardly. The crowd booed at something on television. "God, I'm really sorry. That was really uncalled for. I can be pretty nasty sometimes. Really, I'm sorry. I-eh-here." Keiichi picked up Kamui's can of juice and tapped him on the cheek with its side. "Take a drink. I'm sorry, I keep saying things that seem to disturb you."

"No, it's not you, Keiichi." / Not you, not you at all. I'm so sorry. / Kamui sat up, snatched the can, and downed the last half of the liquid. "It's… you might say, nightmares."

"Sounds like pretty nasty nightmares."

"Keiichi!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"I mean, they are, but I'm being serious here. Like… horrifying."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No, I really don't." Kamui slammed the can onto the counter and fished in his pocket for money. "Sorry, Keiichi, it's not personal, I just really don't want to talk about it right now."

"…fine. What about the rest of that ramen?"

"Could we just drop it?"

Kamui slammed his share of money onto the counter and stomped off down the alley, shoving his hands into his pockets and already feeling like a rat. He heard Keiichi call after him and quickly scrabble some money onto the counter, telling the man to keep the change, and run after him. He sighed. Keiichi was one of the few people at whom he could not stay angry for very long, even given his volatile nature.

"Look, Kei-"

"I'm sorry…"

Keiichi halted alongside Kamui and fell into step. Kamui sighed and hugged himself protectively, feeling quite a bit more foolish than he thought he would have felt under the circumstances. He noticed that he was subconsciously curling toward Keiichi and turned his front - seemingly a vulnerable area needing protection - away from him more to prove to himself that he wasn't feeling anything than for any other reason.

"Don't worry about it."

"No, I really mean, I-I need to stop saying things that might offend-"

"It's not that-"

"I mean-I-ah-I really need to watch what I say, don't I?"

"Just drop it, Keiichi." Kamui stopped before they rounded the corner to the sidewalk and crossed his arms more tightly to appear more tough-defensive than timid-defensive. / I'm acting like a girl. God damn you, stop it. It's just Keiichi. He's harmless. He'll start asking questions if you keep this up. /

"All right, sounds like a good idea. We're going in circles. We need to find your friend anyway." Keiichi peered around the corner. "Oh my god, have a look at these guys." He started laughing. "They must think they're really cool or something."

Kamui sighed and stepped around the corner.

/ …oh… my… GOD… /

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(1) X-Japan, "Silent Jealousy"

(2) Gravitation, "Bird"