Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ XIII ( Chapter 13 )

Subaru hadn't been bothered by insomnia while he was in the hospital. Well, he had, but there had been a solution there. His medication made him drowsy, so he didn't realize that at any other time he would be quite unable to sleep. He was given a prescription for something else upon release though, since it was obvious he was no longer in the same amount of pain. Not that he'd bothered getting the prescription filled. The day had been full, and he didn't think he would need it.

He wondered if he had, would he still be staring at the ceiling at two in the morning?

He'd been staring like that for hours, occasionally trying to find a more comfortable position. Mostly though, he was thinking. He couldn't get his brain to shut up. At that moment, Subaru would have given anything for a mental "off" button.

He climbed slowly out of bed, not sure what he would do once he left. He pulled one of his new outfits, including the gloves but leaving the hat behind. He wasn't sixteen anymore, no matter what his memories whispered to him, and it just didn't look the same when he wore hats now. Maybe he'd just have to get used to it. Maybe he never would, and he'd have to live with wasting that money. The gloves though--he wasn't sure how he felt about the gloves now. Cloth prisons that kept him from being a part of this world...and yet, he felt so horribly exposed--naked--without them.

It was with no surprise that he found himself outside, wrapping his white overcoat tightly around himself to ward off the chill. With automatic motions he fished in the pockets for something that wasn't there. He realized a moment before his hands reached that emptiness that he was looking for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He just couldn't escape it, even though he didn't remember smoking a day in his life.

...like a burning sandpaper in his throat, and the flavor was dry and grew bitter in his mouth, and a queasy feeling only grew stronger as great wracking coughs shook him through and through...he was thankful he hadn't eaten anything recently as instead he found himself shuddering uncontrollably...he was half way through his first cigarette when he threw it to the ground, stamping out the vile thing viciously while he cried, remembering Hokuto's voice that smoking must taste like "French kissing an ashtray"...an hour later he lifted another white paper cylinder to his lips with trembling fingers and tried again...

Subaru leaned back on a nearby wall, letting the memory wash over him. If that's what it was like, why did he keep trying so hard? It was disgusting. It was sickening. It--

Shadows from the past reached forward with fingers and he followed the memory like thread through a maze. The answer to why loomed in front of him, looking coldly logical and thoroughly insane, and he ran from it like his own doom lurked there. He stood, shivering, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to force it all away again.

Thankfully, for his tenuous sanity, it worked. The answer took a step back and faded back into the nine-year void. He remembered now what it was like to smoke though--not just the first, but what it was actually like. That was more than enough to deal with all at once, and he thrust his hands impatiently into his pockets. Much as he hated to think of it this way, he had to agree with Seishirou. This was a perfect opportunity to quit. He was almost there, the hard part was behind him without realizing what he'd gone through, and he should take advantage of it.

But, he'd never really wanted to quit.

That realization hit him like a speeding bus on the highway. Why not? It may have been something temporarily soothing, but there were healthier ways of coping with stress. He reached for the answer, but it slipped into the darkness where he dared not reach. Whatever it was, he didn't want to know.

He started walking, knowing no purpose in his steps, just knowing that CLAMP's campus was huge and he wouldn't run out of areas to explore. Things had changed a great deal since he went to high school here with Hokuto. Imonoyama Nokoru was a person who believed whole-heartedly in modernization, and everywhere Subaru looked he saw evidence of this. Of course, it was tempered with tradition--much like all of Japan. It was a strange marriage of the latest technology with the truest of traditions. Locked nine years into the past, where did that put Subaru? His mind was outdated, but not old enough to be of value that way either.

What a depressing train of thoughts.

"No. My job, my training, my position...I am a living relic in these times," he said aloud in a bitter tone. He ran a hand absently through his hair, unhappy with the idea of that being the sum of his worth to this world...to Japan...to the Tokyo he loved so well. So, what had he been before his memories had been lost? A Dragon of Heaven for one. He fought on the side of humanity, and on the side of hope. He helped others. Right?

But, where did living with Seishirou factor into all of this? They were destined to fight on opposite sides. So, it could not have been easy for both of them to fulfill their duties in this battle, right? Obviously, Subaru had been doing at least enough to help Kamui and the others. They were all friends--or at least friendly. He couldn't have been holding back too much in that case. So, what about Seishirou?

He couldn't figure it out. There simply wasn't enough information available to him, and whatever had inspired that flash of memory earlier was gone now. The Seishirou he'd known so well before wasn't real, so he couldn't find answers in his motivations and actions there. Likewise, he could not go with the assumption that Seishirou was nothing more than a cold and unfeeling killer. He wished he could, but the emotions on the assassin's face had been genuine since Subaru woke up. He couldn't explain the difference, even to himself, but he knew. He just knew.

Didn't he?

Well, no. It was entirely possible that this was some new game. There was no proof, and Subaru was all too aware that he'd been fooled easily once before. Logic had nothing to do with it though. Subaru knew. The doubts crept up, and hit some sort of wall where they were dismissed as ridiculous.

That seemed to answer that. Maybe irrefutable proof had been offered in the span of time Subaru could not remember. Other things seemed not to have been lost, though he couldn't pinpoint how he knew that. That's just what was.

So, Seishirou was being genuine. They had been together and presumably in love. No, make that utterly in love, for the same reason Subaru knew Seishirou's emotions were genuine. Despite everything, it had worked somehow. For five years. Things had worked like this for five years.

"I would have been twenty," he told himself. That was so old. That was so young. "That's right. Young because I'm twenty-five." Seishirou's age. Well. The age he had been. Was it coincidence? Was it a cosmic joke? The great cosmic joker favored ironic humor, clearly.

That left four years after Hokuto's death for them to have started living together. Four whole years--but it didn't seem enough. They were twins. She had been half of his soul, and an eternity seemed too short a time for Subaru to ever forgive her murder. So, how? How did he live with himself while he lived happily ever after in Seishirou's bed? It was disgusting for him to think about now, and a great self-loathing welled up and almost overwhelmed him.

Disgusting--and attractive. Another wave of self-loathing hit him as he realized on some level he really wanted to be with Seishirou right now. No matter what he'd done, they were in love with each other. So, how could Subaru forgive himself for that? How could he forgive his past self for--

No.

There had to be something he was missing. There must be many things Seishirou had yet to tell him about the past. Well, Subaru had ended the conversation rather abruptly, so it was obvious that many things had gone unsaid. They were all locked within his memory.

But, if wandering around with his thoughts this night had brought Subaru anything, it was the realization that there were many memories he just did not want. For some reason or another, he did not want to remember. He had a sneaking suspicion that a great deal of that reason was Seishirou.

He did not want to remember being this much in love with the person he had to hate.