Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ XVII ( Chapter 17 )

Dreams, visions, and memories all warred in Subaru's mind. He knew he wasn't conscious. He retained the knowledge of what had happened to him. This time though, he was not granted a peaceful oblivion. He felt every minute passing; he just wasn't connected to anything that happened to his physical self.

Before him loomed a dark shape, fed by hate and pain and all the evil wishes a grieving mind could project. Years ago, as a small child, he had been drawn to this being and had thought only of helping it. He'd seen something then that had been driven from his mind by the events that happened after. This darkness did not wish to be this way. So, he had cast the beginning exorcism spells he'd just been taught, innocently believing that he could do anything. He had to help. Nothing deserved to be in such pain.

Today though...today he knew better. No simple exorcism would help this evil; no elementary spell would ease this ancient pain. "I'm sorry there is nothing I can do to help you," he whispered in his dream, looking at the Tree with the wide-eyed innocence of a nine-year-old again.

It seemed to understand, though it did not quite grasp his compassion. It seemed a pointless emotion, to feel sorrow for something that could not be helped.

"No emotion is pointless," Subaru said. "Or, maybe all of them are. It doesn't stop me from feeling them."

Wind blew through the branches, shifting the leaves and causing a stir. Subaru saw a figure sitting at the base of the Tree, looking at him with its head cocked to the side in silent inquiry.

"Do you represent Tree-san?"

The figure shrugged. It walked toward Subaru, touching his face, looking into his eyes, blinking at him a few times. It sighed.

"You stole my big sister."

It shrugged again, nodding once. It touched his lips as if to hush him, then made a gesture toward where the actual body of the Tree loomed.

"She is part of you now?"

It looked frustrated. It hesitated, nodding slightly, then shaking its head violently from side to side.

"I don't understand!"

Arms suddenly encircled him. "Silly Subaru."

He almost sobbed in relief. "Hokuto-chan."

"Tree-chan is miserable enough without the pair of us adding to it. Yes. I gave myself over to Tree-chan, to save your life and in hope of a brighter future. Part of me is part of Tree-chan. But, I am part of you as well. I am part of Grandmother, and Sei-chan. A soul can not be devoured because it can not be contained."

It was just like Hokuto to say the words he needed to hear. "I miss you," he said, crushing her close, never wanting to let go. "Why did you do this?"

"To give you both a second chance. I love you, and I want you to be happy. Silly that you would have to ask."

"So you made it so we can't kill each other without killing ourselves?"

Hokuto seemed amused by this. "That should go without saying, with or without my spell. I just needed to make sure Sei-chan knew it first before he could understand."

They held each other while Subaru let those words sink in. He finally nodded, though he still did not like it. "I should have been the one to die."

"And that, dear brother, is the reason I'm the one who had to."

"I don't understand."

"I hope some day you will," she said sadly. She let go of him and stepped back toward the ominous presence of the Tree.

"Don't leave me!" But, the dream was fading away around him. Reality lurked in every corner of his mind, waiting to grab him.

"I never have, and I never will."

He wanted to protest, he wanted to tell her it wasn't the same thing, he wanted to scream at her not to go...but he found himself unable. Instead he looked at the figure frozen off to the side, waiting like a defunct doll.

"Thank you, Tree-san."

It looked at him in deep consideration. The dream crumbled around him, taking everything with it until only the Tree's face remained...and then it smiled.

For a moment Subaru drifted between sleep and awake, remembering the dream, mulling it over carefully. He would lose it upon waking. He didn't want to, but already it was slipping from him. The details were hazy, and too soon even those would be gone. If only he could hold on to the feelings....

He opened his eye carefully, knowing partly what to expect, but not realizing how distracting it would be. Every child, at some point, gets curious and wanders around for a few minutes, or an hour, or maybe longer, with one eye closed. Just to see what it's like. It was like that, only with pain, and rather disconcerting when he wanted to open his other eye to stop that funny feeling. Of course, he couldn't, and never would again, and his body protested this a bit by trying to panic, but he really couldn't do that.

"You're awake."

Subaru blinked, nodding carefully. He looked up at Seishirou and saw something that reminded him--"I had a strange dream."

"With the sedatives they have you on, I'm surprised."

"Hokuto was there." He watched, still feeling hazy. He noted how Seishirou glanced downward, then blinked, looking ever-so-faintly guilty. Subaru smiled, throwing Seishirou further off. "It was a good dream."

In the absence of any other options, Seishirou smiled gently and squeezed Subaru's hand...the first that Subaru realized they'd been holding hands this whole time. "I'm glad the dream made you happy."

"There was someone else there too. Someone that reminded me of you, but it wasn't you. I don't know. It made sense in my dream."

Seishirou reached forward to gently touch Subaru's cheek. "It's okay, Subaru-kun. That's the way dreams are sometimes."

"Wasn't just a dream," he protested, feeling fuzzy around the edges. He was starting to realize that it must be the medication, rather than from just waking up.

"Then, you can tell me about it later. You're not supposed to be awake yet."

Subaru pouted. "I won't remember it then."

Seishirou smiled patiently. "Then tell me now."

He sighed, looking wistfully away. "Can't. I don't remember it now."

"Go back to sleep, Subaru." Seishirou kissed him gently on the forehead.

"Okay," he breathed softly, closing his eye, and letting the medicine drag him down into the waves of unconsciousness again.