Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Compromise ❯ Confusion ( Chapter 1 )

Compromise: Chapter 1

Author babble: Well, here I go with another fan-fic. This will be my first Trigun fic, so go easy on me ^_^;; This is set after the end of the anime (read: spoilers!) and focuses on the relationship between Vash and Knives (see "prerequisite" for more on that). When I first thought up the idea for this fic last summer, I thought it would be an angst fic, but knowing how my stories usually end up, it will probably be semi-angsty with bits of comedy and an unbelievably sappy ending (much like what happened to my Gundam Wing fic, "Forever Love" ^_^;;). As usual, I've babbled on too long (and I'm not done yet :P), so I'll just end by saying that if you meet the requirements, enjoy the fic ^_^

Prerequisite: Before reading the fic, you must pass this simple test. First, look at this word: Yaoi. Done? OK, now look at this word: Twincest. Now, if you were able to look at these two words and not feel offended by them, you have passed the test and may read the fic. If, however, one or both of these words disgusted you or sent you into "Instant Flamer Mode," I implore you to not read any further. Flames are a stupid waste of time, so prove that you actually have a life by not resorting to them. If you still feel the need to flame, you will simply be added to my page of Review System Abuse, because if you flame after reading a warning like this, you are an idiot who deserves to be mocked. *Phew* OK, as for other warnings, this fic will contain strong sexual content (with a reversible pairing ^o^) in later chapters (I may even venture into the magical land of lemon, if I decide I'm brave enough to try it ^_^), so mature readers only, please. I'm not putting an age requirement, because age is a terribly inaccurate measure of maturity (besides, age warnings never stopped me when I was thirteen and wanted to read hentai fics ^_^). And don't forget, this fic may pre house the seamy side volitation and is made for the extreme priority the good looks, so do not use for the other use, and always drive on roads, not on people.

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Nightow-sensei. If he were to read how they're being portrayed here, he would probably cry ;_;

Chapter completed: 2002.05.16 (Five days before my 19th birthday ^o^)

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Compromise

Chapter 1: Confusion

Author: Sailorspazz (sailorspazz@yahoo.com)

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"What am I going to do?"

Over the past four days since Vash had brought Knives back with him to the house he shared with Meryl and Milly, he'd lost count of the number of times he'd asked himself that very question. Knives had not stirred once since he'd brought him back, but Vash could sense that he was close enough to regaining consciousness that he would be able to awaken him himself if he tried. Even if Vash did nothing, Knives would still regain consciousness on his own within two or three days. And, even though Vash had thought about almost nothing else except what he was going to do with Knives when he finally awoke, he still didn't have an answer to his own question. His mind drifted to the conversation he'd had with Wolfwood the morning of the day the priest had died.

"What do you plan on doing when you see Knives?"

"He stole someone I loved from me."

"You want revenge?"

"I don't know...I just don't know."

Wolfwood...it hadn't even been a month since that fateful day. Vash felt tears stinging his eyes. He hated death more than anything else; the death of a close friend had been especially hard on him. And yet, lying on the bed in front of him was the man who had cruelly used that fact to cause him pain and suffering nearly his entire life. Though many would find it hard to believe, Vash knew that Knives was only acting out of his love for him. However, knowing that Knives loved him only made things worse. To know that someone who loved him so much could torture him the way Knives had was devastating. Anyone else probably would have killed Knives as soon as they got the chance, both for revenge and to eliminate the number one threat against the human race. However, when Vash had been standing there at the end of their fight with his gun pointed at Knives prone form, he suddenly remembered Rem's final words to him. He had only recently realized what she had been trying to say to him, and he wasn't going to betray her words now. As he stood there above him, Vash had realized that he'd been presented with the best opportunity for changing Knives' ways that he'd ever had. Their gunfight had been the result of a 130-year stalemate in a battle of iron wills. Since their mutual stubbornness had gotten them nowhere, they'd had an unspoken agreement that the winner of their fight would gain the upper hand in the struggle resulting from their differing viewpoints. In winning their fight, Vash was now in control of their destiny. He thought that if he brought Knives to live with him among humans, perhaps he would come to realize their good qualities. After all, the only humans Knives had had contact with in the past several years were the Gung-Ho Guns, so Vash could understand if Knives had an even worse opinion of humanity than before. Still, that fact may serve as an advantage to Vash's cause, as if Knives saw the contrast between his minions and normal humans, he just might change his mind about what most people are really like.

So there Vash was, four days later, sitting in a chair next to the bed they now shared, not feeling nearly as confident as he had before. Almost immediately after he brought Knives back with him, doubts had begun to enter his mind. He hadn't slept a wink the first night while he imagined all the ways in which things could go wrong. What if Knives decided their fight didn't mean anything after all? What if he was angry with Vash for shooting him again and lashed out? What if he decided to kill Meryl and Milly in an attempt to break him down completely? He'd continued to ponder different scenarios and the likelihood of each one over the past few days. Unfortunately, the most ideal situation--that of Knives immediately accepting Vash's ways and embracing humanity--also happened to be the most unlikely.

The fact that he couldn't stop thinking about what Knives might do was serving as further motivation to just go ahead and wake him up, as the anxiety he was experiencing was probably worse than anything Knives would actually do. There was also the fact that it just so happened to be their birthday. Even though he'd had so many, Vash still thought of birthdays as a special time, and he didn't really think it would be fair to let Knives sleep through the day that marked their completion of 134 years of life. Vash viewed birthdays as a time to start over and look at things in a new way. Though he and Knives were exact opposites in some ways, they were also quite similar in many others, so maybe Knives would share Vash's sentiment and decide that it was time for a change.

Vash had pretty much decided on waking up Knives when other thoughts entered his mind. Meryl and Milly were each working six days a week while Vash stayed home watching over Knives. Although Vash planned on getting a job as soon as Knives got adjusted to the idea of living with humans, until that day the two of them would be spending almost all their time alone together cooped up in the house. That could be a good thing, as it would allow them a lot of time to talk. Then again, it would also allow them a lot of time to argue. Vash sighed. He always hated arguing with Knives, but he knew they would probably find something to fight about within minutes of Knives' awakening. It's just the way things were between them. Vash still had hope that he could change all that. After all, he knew Knives didn't exactly relish in their constant spats, either. Of course, Vash didn't expect things to change right away, as several possible arguments immediately came to mind. First and foremost, of course, would be the argument over the worth of humanity. If things went Vash's way, though, that would someday not be a problem anymore.

There was, however, a completely different major argument that Vash knew would come to a head quickly. He and Knives had had a unique relationship when they were younger. In fact, the two had been lovers for the majority of the time they'd spent traveling around together in the desert. At the time, they hadn't believed they were doing anything wrong; during their time on the SEEDS ship, all they'd heard about incest was that it was dangerous to the health of any offspring that might be produced. Seeing as how they were both male, they hadn't seen any harm in giving into their urges. Vash was now quite embarrassed about the whole thing, but he knew that Knives almost certainly was not. He was sure that Knives would want to continue having that sort of relationship with him, and it would probably take a huge argument to convince him that they shouldn't be lovers anymore. That was something Vash was definitely not looking forward to. It was almost enough to make him change his mind about waking Knives up that day. But, he reminded himself, he would have to deal with it no matter when Knives woke up, so he might as well get it over with as soon as possible.

Vash placed his hands on Knives' chest and lowered his forehead down so it was touching Knives'. He concentrated and began to weave his way through his brother's unconscious mind. After a couple minutes of searching, he realized what he needed to do and focused his energy, using it to stimulate the part of Knives' mind that would bring him back into consciousness. Several minutes later, he heard a low groan from Knives and stopped his probing. He watched as a pair of light blue eyes opened and gazed back at him. Though most humans would describe Knives' eyes as a chilling ice blue, Vash thought differently because of something Rem had once told them. She said Knives' eyes were crystal blue like the water and Vash's were green like the grass on Earth, as their kind was the representation of the life mankind had had to leave behind. This thought caused Vash to smile softly as he watched Knives fully regain consciousness. "Hello, brother."

Knives opened his mouth to reply, but instead a dry sounding cough came out. Vash dashed out of the room and returned with a glass of water, holding it to Knives lips. Knives winced with pain as he swallowed, yet still managed to down half the glass before Vash took it away and set it on the table next to the bed. "Vash..." Knives said quietly, taking a glance around the room, "Where are we?" Not that Knives felt it was the most pressing issue to know where he was, but it would still be nice to know what god-forsaken town Vash had dragged him to while he was asleep.

Vash let out a sigh of relief. The fact that Knives hadn't immediately jumped out of bed and threatened to blow up the whole town was something he took as a good sign. "We're in a small town a couple hundred iles from LR. It's more of a village, actually. There's not that many people living here." Vash saw a look of disgust appear on Knives' face at the mention of people, but he continued anyway. "We're sharing a house with two insurance girls who've been following me around for awhile. They're both at work right now, but they'll be home pretty soon." Vash noticed Knives face take on an even more unpleasant expression at the prospect of actually sharing a household with humans. Vash tried his best to be understanding of what Knives was going through. "You don't have to meet them tonight, if you don't want to. You can stay in here and they'll only come in to see you when you're ready."

As much as their living situation displeased Knives, he was nevertheless too weak to fight with Vash about it, so he decided to change the subject. "How long have I been out for?"

"Well, it's our birthday today."

"How old are we?"

Vash feigned an injured look, pouting at him. "We're 134, of course. Do you really think I'm so cruel that I'd leave you unconscious for more than a year?"

Knives tried to shrug, causing him to hiss with pain instead. "Well, you were cruel enough to shoot me again."

Vash's face took on a more serious expression again. "I did what I had to to stop you, Knives. I just wanted the fighting to end."

Knives turned his face away from Vash silently, staring at the curtains drawn over the window. Vash knew Knives was one who didn't take losing easily. He thought Knives would try to resist his loss a bit more, but Vash could see a look of defeat on his brother's face. He placed a hand on Knives' shoulder, causing him to turn towards him again. Vash smiled softly at him, the first genuine smile he'd given in a long time. "What's most important now is that we're together again, and we have a chance to start over. I love you, Knives, and I hope we can learn to live peacefully together."

Knives' face softened, giving Vash the warm expression that had been reserved solely for him their entire lifetime. Vash leaned over the bed and hugged him gently, being careful not to aggravate Knives' injuries. That seemed to be the farthest thing from Knives' mind, though, as Vash heard him grunting softly as he struggled to bring his arms up around Vash. Vash was going to tell him not to strain himself, but he knew Knives wouldn't listen. If Knives wanted to hug him, he was damn well going to, no matter how much pain it caused him. Besides, Vash also wanted their embrace to be complete, so he had no real reason to object. Knives finally managed to wrap his arms around Vash, pulling him down closer to the bed in the process. Vash found himself feeling incredibly comfortable lying there in Knives' arms. It reminded him of when they were younger and would fall asleep together after making love. Vash suddenly gasped at the direction his thoughts were headed in. 'No, no,' he thought, 'I promised myself we wouldn't do this again...'

"Something wrong?" Knives' soft voice came from beneath him. "You tensed up all of a sudden." Knives began gently stroking his back.

Vash relaxed under his touch and closed his eyes, placing his head on Knives' chest. "No, it's nothing." Vash tried to dash his previous thoughts about Knives from his mind. 'We're brothers,' he reminded himself. 'Even though we did some things in the past, I know better now. I shouldn't be getting turned on by this situation.' He was having a hard time convincing himself, however, as lying practically on top of Knives as they embraced was exciting him a lot more than he cared to admit. He could feel Knives' heart beating in unison with his own, a phenomenon that often occurred when they were together that sometimes included breathing and even blinking simultaneously. It was very comforting to Vash, yet at the same time he felt discomforted from his own thoughts. Vash couldn't take it anymore and abruptly pulled out of the embrace.

Knives looked disappointed at the sudden lack of contact. "Vash, what's wrong?" He was unaware of what Vash's internal dilemma was about, but he could definitely sense something was amiss.

"N-nothing's wrong, I swear," Vash said, forcing one of his usual phony grins onto his face. Before Knives could say anything, he changed the subject. "You're probably hungry, aren't you? Let me fix you something to eat." With that, Vash bolted out of the room and didn't stop until he reached the kitchen.

He emptied a can of soup into a pan that he left to simmer on the stove, leaning against the refrigerator with a sigh that came out more like a moan of longing. During his embrace with Knives, tons of memories of how things used to be between them had come flooding back to him. For years he had blocked out the memories of their love making, telling himself it was wrong and they would never do it again, so there was no point in dwelling on it. Now he remembered that sex between the two of them was like the joining of two incomplete beings into one complete entity. Or, rather, the rejoining, as they both believed that they were originally supposed to be one being, but somehow got split into two early in their development. They believed it was one of the reasons they could be so similar and yet complete opposites at the same time. The majority of Plants have a neutral outlook on most aspects of the human world. As Vash and Knives were more human-like than most Plants, though, they were developed with human-like tendencies when it came to emotions. When they split, they ended up having quite a few shared "human" emotional traits, but also maintained a level of neutrality in some respects. However, some of the neutrality got split between them, causing them each to take the polar opposites of a few particular traits, which was why they had so many problems they just couldn't deal with. When they came together physically, however, all animosity between them temporarily disappeared. They became one being in mind, body, and soul. It was impossible for sex to be merely a physical act between them; it was also spiritual and highly emotional. Emotions often ran so high that they would have the mental equivalent of a climax, something they called an "emotional orgasm." There was no such connection when having sex with humans, as Vash had discovered many years ago in a moment of drunkeness. He still remembered the feeling of emptiness he'd experienced and how he'd longed to be with Knives again. His mind had been--and still was--riddled with confusion. No matter how much he wanted to think otherwise, the thought of feeling that completion again was so tempting to him...

Vash noticed the soup bubbling and quickly removed it from the stove. He decided that no matter how tempting it was to give in to Knives, he couldn't compromise his morals. Vash reentered his and Knives' room with a piping hot bowl of soup. "Soup's on!" he announced cheerfully, retaking his place in the chair next to the bed. He held a steaming spoonful up to Knives' mouth. "Open wide."

Knives complied and took careful sips at each spoonful Vash offered him. When the soup was almost gone, Knives broke the silence. "You lied to me."

Vash fed him more soup. "Hmm?"

Knives swallowed. "Before, when you said nothing was wrong, you were lying."

Ah, another little detail Vash had forgotten about their bond; they were automatically able to tell when the other told a lie. Vash realized his usual "I'm dying inside, but I'll pretend everything's great" routine wouldn't work with Knives. He wanted to tell Knives the decision he'd made about their relationship, but for some reason he just couldn't do it with those piercing blue eyes staring at him.

"I...uh, well..." Luckily for Vash, he heard the front door opening at that moment. "Oh, the insurance ladies are home. I'll go tell them you're awake." He paused before speaking again, asking carefully, "Do you feel up to meeting them tonight?"

"Hell no." Vash was somewhat surprised at the sudden forcefulness in Knives' voice. Perhaps the soup had given him more energy. Or he might just be pissed off because Vash was attempting to keep secrets from him.

"Uhh, OK. I'm probably going to eat dinner with them, too, so I won't be coming back to the room for a couple hours. You'll be alright on your own for awhile, right?" Knives nodded as Vash opened the door. "OK, I'll see you later." Vash closed the door and leaned against it. He was running away again. It was what he did best, it seemed. It was a habit he really wished he could get over. As he walked to the dining room, he decided he would tell Knives his feelings as soon as the subject came up, no matter what.

Vash's mind changed gears as he greeted Meryl and Milly. "Yo, insurance girls!"

"Hi, Mr. Vash," Milly said with a smile. She then turned to Meryl and whispered, "Ready, Senpai?" Meryl nodded. Vash wondered what they were planning.

"Happy birthday!" the two of them yelled together. Milly threw some confetti and Meryl held out a 30-pack of donuts.

Vash became starry-eyed. "Hey, these are my favorite!" He grabbed the box and began nuzzling it. "Wow, there's so many different kinds! Thanks so much! I'll have to share some of these with Knives."

The mood of the room changed dramatically. "Knives? You mean he's awake?" Meryl asked, letting fear creep into her voice unchecked.

"Yeah, I woke him up just a while ago." Vash noticed Meryl's thinly veiled look of horror. "I really don't think he's going to be causing a lot of problems. I'm sure I can change him for the better."

"Can we see him?" Milly asked with a smile, seeming excited at the idea.

"Not tonight. He's, uhhh...not in the mood for visitors. But enough about him, what's for dinner? I'm starving!"

Meryl still wasn't convinced of their safety, or the safety of the human race, for that matter, but she decided not to push the issue any more just yet.

The three of them shared a rather uneventful dinner, which was made longer by the fact that they had decided to tell their favorite birthday stories, which meant a lot of stories from Milly about her huge family. After a couple hours, they all decided to call it a night.

"G'night, insurance girls! Thanks again for the donuts!" Vash said as he entered his room. He had half-hoped that Knives would already be asleep so he wouldn't have to deal with any potential arguments, but alas, there he was, now in a sitting position, glaring at Vash as he entered the room. "How are you feeling, Knives?"

"The same." Knives still looked rather irritated at the fact Vash had run out earlier just as they were beginning to have a serious conversation.

"Wanna donut?" Vash asked with one hanging out of his mouth. "I'm sure it'll make you feel better."

Knives stared incredulously at his unrefined brother. "No." Vash shrugged, shoved another one in his mouth, and sat down on the bed. "So, why were you lying to me earlier?" Knives asked in an accusatory tone of voice.

Vash swallowed his donut and set the box on the table. "Well, when we were lying in bed earlier, I started thinking about our relationship...about, uh, the things we used to do together, and stuff..."

"And...?"

"And I was just thinking that we shouldn't be doing those things anymore."

"What? Why?" Vash could see Knives' anger building up, as he already had an idea about what the reason was.

"Well, we're brothers, you know? It's just not something brothers are supposed to do together."

"According to who? Humans? Who cares?"

"I do, Knives. Listen, I know you have a low opinion of mankind, but I've chosen to live my life according to them."

Knives wore an exasperated look. "But why? Vash, you are so far above them that their morals should have no bearing on your actions! What reason is there to deny yourself of what is good and natural to you just because some inferior breed decided it was immoral?"

"I-I don't think it's natur--"

"Don't try to lie to me again, Vash. You know damn well that this is in our blood. I don't see why you try to attach human morals to a bond that isn't even human."

Vash felt his voice weakening. "But we were raised like human brothers."

"Only for the first year of our life. I've put all that behind me now and embraced what I really am. You really should do the same."

"I've chosen my own way of life, Knives. Why can't you accept that?"

"Why can't you accept what you really are?" There was a long silence between them. Knives grunted as he shifted around so he was sitting directly behind Vash on the bed with his arms wrapped around him.

"Knives..." Vash said softly, "You shouldn't move around so much. Your injuries..."

"I don't care," he whispered. Vash shivered at the sensation of Knives' soft breath on his neck. "All I want is our happiness, Vash. And I know that our love making makes us feel better than anything else possibly could. Do you remember how wonderful it felt?"

Vash closed his eyes, trying to block out those memories but failing miserably. "Yes..."

"Don't you want to feel it again?"

"I don't think we shou--"

"It was a yes or no question, Vash. I'm asking how you feel, not what you think."

Vash sighed. "OK, yes, I want to, but--"

Knives held a finger to his lips. "No 'buts', Vash. Just go with what you feel inside." Knives moved so he was sitting beside Vash, then gently pushed his brother back until he was lying down. With a pained wince, he rolled over so he was on top of Vash, straddling his hips. Unfortunately for Vash, Knives not only knew that Vash was easily seduced, but he also knew all of the most effective ways to seduce him. Knives had found out in the past that he could get Vash to do almost anything he wanted just by staring deeply into his eyes. He decided to use that method while running his fingers through Vash's spiky blonde locks.

Vash knew he was fighting a losing battle. It was virtually impossible for him to turn back now, even if he truly wanted to. Looking into those eyes, seeing nothing but pure love and adoration, was something he couldn't resist. He felt tears springing to his eyes; whether they were tears of joy or of the defeat of his human side was uncertain. "Oh, Knives..." he whispered, his voice coming out sounding like more of a plead than he'd hoped it would.

Knives felt his smile widen into a grin. Vash was through resisting; he was finally just going to let nature take its course. "Vash," he said softly, bringing his face down so his nose was touching his twin's. "I love you." With that, he kissed him tenderly, their first in 120 years. Vash tried to make the kiss deeper and more passionate, but Knives kept it light and soft, maintaining an extreme intensity behind it.

Vash inadvertently moaned out of desperation during their kiss. It had been so long since they'd last been together, and he didn't want to hold back any longer. He felt something wet drop onto his face and opened his eyes. He was shocked to see tears flowing from Knives' closed eyelids. Knives rarely cried for any reason. Perhaps the full impact of how long they'd been apart had finally hit him. Vash broke their kiss and began gently pecking away at Knives' tears.

Knives simply held Vash closer and began kissing away Vash's own tears. "It's been so long," Knives whispered.

"I know." Vash began sensually licking at Knives' tears, causing him to moan. "But at least we're together now."

Knives suddenly surprised Vash by claiming his lips in a desperate, forceful kiss. Both of them felt like fire was surging through their veins, coupled with an almost unbearable sense of urgency. A hundred and twenty years is a long time to be separated from the one you love most, and the two of them hoped to make up as much time as possible in that one night.

As clothing began to slide off, a stray thought saying that what they were doing was wrong entered Vash's head again. He glanced at Knives. He looked so happy, and Vash knew he probably was wearing the exact same expression. 'It's still wrong,' a voice kept persisting.

But it feels so good...

So good...

So right.

To be continued...

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Alright, I'm finally finished with the first chapter! I'm not sure how long this fic will be, as I'm terrible at predicting the lengths of my own fics (One that I thought would be four chapters turned into seven, and another that was supposed to be a one-shot ended up being ten :P). Anyway, I hope this chapter wasn't too bad ^_^;; I'll try to get the next one out as quickly as possible...I picked a really bad time to start this, as I'm taking 17 credits, have finals coming up in a few weeks, will be going on vacation right after school's out, and will probably be working in addition to taking summer classes after that (Well, I'm taking an anime class, so that won't be so bad ^_^). But I'll still try my best not to write as slowly as I usually do...Spazz-chan, ganbarimaaaaasu! I hope you're looking forward to the next chapter (Has anyone even bothered to read this far? :P). Next time: Vash deals with his Knives lovin' session. Will he regret it, or say, "Hell yeah, this rocks!" Tune in and find out ^_^ And goodbye, for now.