Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ Bordellos on the wind ❯ See Errors ( Chapter 3 )

[See Errors]

"This is disgusting!" she said. The kitchen was filthy.

[What were you expecting? Martha Stewart?

It's super sheep to the rescue!

Super sheep: baaa!

Kale: It's not doing anything

Super sheep: Baaaa

D: What do you want? It's a horse

Kale: Sheep

D: Horse

Super sheep: Baaa!

D: Stop that! Didn't I tie you up?]

Pots everywhere, and about two inches of grease and discarded scraps over everything.

[Throw it all together and call it `Mystery meat'

Why the hell did the crew wait for the cook to leave? I would have thrown him out a long time ago, if he did that.]

The smell was horrible.

[Grease doesn't small that bad. Neither do leftovers. If they were rotting, they would smell, but not be scraps or leftovers.]

"I've seen worse." D commented.

[D: I've caused worse]

"I can't cook in this." She took off her cloak and hung it on the door. "I'm surprised no one is dead after eating food from this place."

[She's never been to camp, has she?

How exactly did they eat food from this?

Captain: Arggh…We got a lot of take out…I need a parrot.]

"What are you doing?"

[Kale: Relax, I just took off my cloak, I'm not taking anything else off

D: Darn]

"I'm gona clean this mess. I wouldn't feed rats in this dump.

[Although you probably are already]

There aren't any rats here are there?"

[D: No, those are, uh, squirrels

`Squirrel': Squeak

Super sheep: Baaa!

D: Would you two stop doing that?]

"Not that I can hear." D, also, took off his cloak and hung it with hers. If she was going to clean, she was going to need help.

As they cleaned, the deliveries of food arrived and were placed in the over sized cooler. D told her that when at sea, water was brought in through pipes and poured over the outer skin of the cooler keeping it cold inside,

[But considering how cold the water is, it didn't do much to keep the food cold. But it did look spiffy.]

the water was then divided. One half went for desalinating and cleaning for drinking water, the other half went for the lavs.

[D: Hunter, fashion consultant, plumber.]

Finally, after hours of cleaning the grease, dirt and grime from everything, Kale started to get dinner ready. She opted for a stew, it was easy,required little planning, and it was relatively quick.

[And if it tasted horrible she always had the excuse `Hey, what do you want? It's stew!']

She used her mother's recipe, committed to memory, and made five pots of it. "That ought to be enough," she said as D helped her move the last of the huge kettles.

[She made stew in kettles? Either it's really weak stew, or really thick tea.]

Just then the doors to the dining are burst open,

[Aaaah! Messed up tenses!

Super sheep to the rescue!

Super sheep: Baa!

D: Go away!

`squirrel': squeak

D: Shoo!

Kale:How is this fixing the tenses?

Super sheep: *shrugs* Baa]

and the crew literally fought each other to get to the front of the line.

[Wow! Mary Sue is perfect at cooking and people are fighting over her food before they even tried it! Someone shoot me. No, wait, someone shoot her.

Super sheep to the rescue!

Super sheep *pulls out machine gun and fires* Baaaaaaaaaaaa!

D: What the hell?

`Squirrel': Squeak?]

Word of a woman in the kitchen had definitely spread amongst the crew.

[They had been at sea THAT LONG, that any woman sounded appealing?]

"<STOP>!!" D shouted, his severe commanding tone even froze Kale in her tracks. "<The cook has asked me to give you the rules. And they will be followed if you expect to eat. One! No fighting, she makes enough for all. Two! No hassling the cook. Three! Everyone gets one serving, if there is any left then it is first come first served. Understand>!" The men all nodded. "<Four. An orderly line is better than this mob.

[By definition, any orderly line is better than a mob.]

Now Line UP>!!"

[When the hell did D become a camp counselor? Make up your mind! Is he a hunter? Is he a plumber? A fashion consultant? The kind of guy who would spend two months in a bordello?

D: Next, we're all going make macaroni pictures…]

The men all jostled for position and took a bowl from the stack. One by one each crewman was ladled two spoonfuls of her stew and they all sat down to eat.

[1. You can't make miracle stew. No matter what. Stew is stew.

2. Since this isn't a pleasure cruise and some sort of boat built for a long sea sickening journey, the supplies given to you wouldn't result in miracle anything, especially stew.

3. You had better make more food than just stew. Stew is stew. Three days of stew and the sailors are going to be eating their beds to avoid it.

4. Stew, rough sea, and bad sailor B. O. don't mix. That stuff is going to be thrown overboard, with or without being in the stomach first.

5. Two spoonfuls only? Are these really small sailors?

Captain: Arrrggggh…we're not short, we've just…vertically challenged…Arrgh.]

She rolled up onto her bunk exhausted.

[Kale: Mary Sue, singer, idiot, cook, sleeping bag]

The one small mercy of being the cook, each crew member washed their own dishes when they were finished eating, all she had to clean were the five empty kettles that had held her stew. But even that wasn't hard, for they had been practically scrapped clean, the crew devouring every morsel. Thankfully, she and D were able to eat between servings. "The captain is impressed," said D,

[He's never seen a guy help with cleaning before. I think he likes me]

returning from a last look around at the Western Shore. They'd set sail after the meal,

[They were going to sail and they were leaving shore? Quick someone tell the captain the rope came loose!]

and the coast was quickly fading away as the sun descended the horizon.

"He said he's never had food that good on this ship in many years. He asked me to tell you that, and to thank you."

[And beg you not to make STEW again. It was good, but…STEW?]

"The health inspectors should have closed that kitchen long ago." She said trying to relax.

"There aren't any inspectors anymore," said D quietly. "You get some sleep, I'll wake you when its time to start breakfast." She was almost asleep already, when someone called out from the animal cages.

[There are animal cages in their room? Are they sleeping in the middle of a bunch of animals? Didn't anyone put walls in this ship? If not, I can see why the crew is men only. Man, using the toilet must be hell]

"Hello! I thought I heard voices." A short, skinny man strode briskly across the hold. He was dirty from head to foot, and he wore more of a brown dress like tunic,

[Tunics are by definition dress like. That's like saying a shirt has sleeves. If it didn't it would be a tank top. Man, I just put on whatever I find in my closet and I'M correcting someone about clothes. It's the end of the world! Run!]

that barely covered, and nothing else.

[Covered what, and what else did it cover?

Guy: What? There's no washing machine around here and I thought there were only guys. Going without underwear is easier than having to put up with it for months]

"I'm Vrail. I look after the animals. Welcome aboard."

"You speak the common language,"

[Vrail: No, I just speak English

Kale: Is this a Cow & chicken crossover?

Vrail: I thought it was I am Weasel

Kale: So this is a crossover?

Vrail: No, I just left everything else in the washing machine]

said D, striding four paces away from the cots stopping the man from coming further.

"Yes. It was my first language. Where are you bound?"

[D: Bound? We aren't even having sex, let alone S & M. Oh, wait, sorry. Man, this author is confusing

Kale: Hey, at least you're not a vegetable

[Guy: considering how little I'm wearing, this must be a really warm ship]

"The Far Shore," D then stepped closer to him and with an underlying threat to his voice he continued. "The girl is off limits."

[D sure is possessive about her, especially if you consider the fact that the chemistry between them could melt an ice cube in no less than 10,000 years.]

Vrail smiled a broad yellow-toothed grin.

[Quick , save the sheep, horse, whatever!]

"Oh sir, you flatter me. Yes, she is very pretty. But, please, take my word for it, I'll go for a sheep before I go for her.

[She's that ugly, is she?

D: How long have you been on sea?

Vrail: Like, opposed to what?

D: Land?

Vrail: What's that?]

Less hassle and no complaints afterwards."

[Okay, an open mind is one thing, but this is just scary.]

"That is sick!" said Kale.

[The Mary Sue is right. And that alone is scary.]

"Oh, trust me. On this ship, most men will take their pleasure where they can get it. Even with each other."

[Isn't it like that on lots of all men ships?

Now it's picking up! YAOI!]

"Even still. You've been warned," said D.

[Kale: *holds camera* Yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi! Huh? Did you say something?]

"So I have. Please, excuse my rudeness, but I heard the men say, a woman cooks on board now. Would that be you?"

[Do woman routinely try to sneak on this ship? The captain didn't allow any others on!

Kale: No, I'm a hermaphrodite. The girl is two doors down

Vrail: There are doors in this place?]

Kale nodded. "Oh goodie. There is a trap door in the floor of the kitchen. That's where I'll be for breakfast."

"Didn't you get some stew?" she asked.

"No, but don't worry. I had some food. Well, I shall bid you good night."

"Eggs," said Kale.

"What?"

"I hear chickens over there, do you have eggs?"

[Idiot with no pants: No, I'm a guy, stupid. What do I look like, the pantsless fairy?

Kale: No comment]

"Yes. Lots."

[This ship has a toilet, a cooler, a large kitchen, stalls, and chickens. This ship must be as long as the damn sea itself!

Stalls…Chickens…It must be a barnyard bathroom!]

"Put them in a box. I'll take them to the kitchen. I'll make scrambled eggs for breakfast."

"Sounds good, but I'll put the eggs in the kitchen tonight. Good night."

"Odd fellow." Kale remarked

[My god, the Mary Sue can grasp the obvious. Is this amazing, or what?]

quietly, as D returned to his bunk.

"He's spent too much time with his animals," said D,

[Drop the subject, you two! It's already happening and the author doesn't seem to want to change her mind, the dead horse has been flogged enough.]

covering Kale with a blanket.

"Duh..."

[My god, my sentiments are the same as the Mary Sue. *runs off to take a long shower* The dirt won't come off!]




And so it went on. Kale cooked for the more than 150

[150 divided by five is 30. 30 people to a pot of stew. It's either a tiny ladel, or very skinny sailors, or GIANT kettles.

Captain: I told you! We're just vertically challenged! ARRGGH!

D: Hey, I remember you. You hired me to go after that vampire. Kept saying it was a witch. I think it melted. Where'd those Lollipop whatever people go?]

crew of the ship, and D was always close to her, making sure the men knew she was his.

[D: Wo-muhn. Mine. Ook!

Nice relationship. No conversation, no activities done together, no sex, but they still try to kill anyone who tries to get near them.]

Just never letting on in what way. D and Vrail constructed a makeshift lav for her,

[Okay, let's get one thing straight here. Building a port-o-potty for someone is sickening, not romantic. ]

since there wasn't a separate one for women.

[Man, Kale is such a whiner. Figure out some way to use the men's john, don't get two whackos to make you your own.]

And Vrail was true to his word. Seeking comfort with his animals rather than hassling Kale.

[I'd make a `Silence of the Lambs' joke, but I like the Hannibal series, and I'd offend Super sheep.

We're not putting words in the author's mouth. Really. They wrote this all by themselves.]

A month had passed. Kale, no longer weak from her recovery, now felt depressed about her surroundings.

[I'd feel depressed if I were stuck on a boat with some redneck that preferred animals to women and men that kept bugging me, and D constantly saying `My wo-muhn, Go away! Ook!' and being a plumber at every chance he got. I'd want to go back to the sex-crazy West.

Kale: Take me! Just be normal!]

Each time she looked out a window it was always the same. Be it calm or rough, sunny or cloudy, it was always water.

[What did she expect?

Kale: *sniff* No ocean of sheep…Just like where I grew up in…*sniff*]

Then about half way through their journey they met another ship from the southern seas. Egypt, the ship was called,

[Okay, I've gotta admit its more original than `The West' and `Sea…hee hee hee, excuse me for a few days…]

named after it's ancient homeland, though it reflected none of the Egyptian culture that Kale had read of years before.

[Ancient culture, or modern culture? There is a difference

That's because things had an annoying tendency to change over 10,000 years. Damn you things, and your changing tendencies!]

The Egypt's captain was surprised to learn that a woman was on board his friend's ship, but seemed to ease a little when he learned she was also the cook.

[So, in other words, a girl shouldn't be away from home unless she's taking care of domestic chores?

Crew: We thought that she was another sheep…There are only so many…]

So Kale had to cook twice as much food

[Or maybe the sailors put up with ONE spoonful instead of two. It's not like they were getting much in the first place.]

over the next few days to feed both crews.

[Multiple crews? On the same ship? Wouldn't that be one big crew? Tell me that no more are attracted to sheep!]

Though it had exhausted her more than before, she welcomed the change.

[Ah, yes, the POINT of a woman is to cook and clean, and if she gets bored, make her do more.

Kale: *humming*

D: Are you supposed to put cyanide in food?

Kale: Yes.

D: But isn't that-

Kale *Pulls out an Uzi, and shoots him*]

During the time the ships were together, cargo and animals were carefully moved back and forth between the holds.

[Okay, how? It's not like they can pull over or something.]

D helped them, so long as no one hassled Kale. With his added strength, the moving of the cargo went much faster, though Kale's lav took a bit of a beating in the process,

[What? She's going to whine for a brand new one?

Crew person # 1: Okay, to move this animal, we need to destroy a building.

Crew person # 2: Why?

Crew person # 1: *pulls out an Uzi and shoots #2*

Kale: My LAV! NOOO!

Crew person # 1: *pulls out an Uzi and shoots Kale*]

and needed to be rebuilt.

[Crew person # 1: Okay, to repair this building, we need to shoot an animal.

Crew person # 2 (v 2.0): Why-Uh, never mind…

Crew person # 1: *puts away Uzi*]

Finally, after cargo traded and farewells sent, the two ships continued on their way. If Kale had known ahead of time what lay ahead on the final leg of their journey, she may have chosen to stay in the west.

[Yep, that west is looking better and better. Who's going to eat all that unflavored Jell-O?

Then again, she has all of the ability to defend herself of a wet sponge, and a tendency to attract men who haven't seen any action since puberty, so staying away from D may not be smart.]

D had borrowed a chessboard from one of the crew and was engaged in loosing to Kale.

[Er, um…is that a chess fetish thing, or are they just playing it and the author needs to rewrite that last sentence?

Pirates: Horses? Yes, we have that. Life insurance? Yes, take as much as you need. Super sheep? Yes, yes, plenty of that. Tutus? Arrgh…I think Vrail is wearing that…Point? Sorry. Plot? What's that?]

She wasn't really that good, but she was learning as she played.

[Because it would be really bad if she didn't.

Kale: I'm a tittering dunce who can't learn simple actions! Tee hee hee! Wasn't that funny?]

But the move she'd used he didn't expect. It seemed she'd centered her attack on his pieces from the left side of the board. But to his surprise she slid her bishop from the right, where she had left it for so long, and captured his king.

[*cough* Euphemism *cough*

Unless you play Blitz, which is with a clock, you can't capture the king.]

"Very good!" Vrail announced, who'd been watching from the side crouched on the floor.

[Wearing a collar, and holding a water-dish labeled `fido'.]

Kale smiled and looked to him, only to blush brightly and turn away.

[What? Is she going to have to ride on the same horse as him? Actually, considering his tastes, that WOULD be embarrassing.]

D, seeing this, he glanced at Vrail and saw why.

"Either put on a longer tunic, or put some pants on."

[Preferably both]

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to embarrass you."

[That's highly doubtful, coming from someone who brags about getting his jollies out with sheep.

I can just imagine a sheep in a leather miniskirt, bra, and high heels, saying `Baaaaaa…!', under a streetlamp.]

"Shall we play again?" Kale asked.

"We better not, you have to start dinner soon. Though I must admit. I had never been mated in such an attack as that.

[I SWEAR they're playing chess sex.]

I'll have to remember that you like to attack to distract, while killing from another side."

[I would say euphemism, but how can you NOT interpret that as a euphemism?]

"Well, I couldn't just let you, let me keep winning." D looked at her, his eyes apologetic. "Its ok. It was fun anyway." Just then the ship was rocked from below, as though it had just hit a sudden wave, rose the crest and fell again.

[This is new? They ARE on a boat

Rose the crest and fell again? That's English, right?]

The chess pieces scattered across the floor, shouts from the men on deck sent everyone rushing to their posts. D ran to the top of the ramp and asked what was going on.

"<We're being attacked by seafish>!" said the man.

]Sea…fish Sea..fish. My god. How bad are these names going to get? Look, if it has SEA in it, you sure as hell don't need fish! If it's a fish, you don't need to give it SEA or LAKE or anything so stupidly obvious in front of it!

How can you be attacked by fish? The biggest fish is around six feet, and considering the size of the boat, it couldn't do much. What is it going to do? Ram the boat until it falls unconscious? Poop in the water? Make itself into sushi? Try to get on deck? IT'S A FISH!

Actually, the biggest fish (whale sharks) can be 40 feet or more. But they're herbivores who wouldn't have much interest in attacking ships.]

D ran back down and grabbed his sword. "Stay here." He told Kale. "Vrail! Make sure she's secured."

[Bondage with THAT guy? Ewww! Oh, sorry. My bad. I wish the author would make up her mind if she's writing something dirty or innocuous.]

"Right." The dirty, barely dressed man took Kale to one of the center support columns and tied her to it.

[Hmmmm, maybe this IS bondage. Or maybe he's going to start yelling `Kong! Kong! Kong!'

Maybe he's going to drag in a sheep in dominatrix garb.]

Not tightly, just enough to make sure she wouldn't fly across the deck.

[She can't grab on to something or hide under the bed, like in an earthquake?

Kale: Just think of happy thoughts, or get thrown by a stupid fish trying to attack a ship, and you can fly, you can fly!]

"What's going on?" she asked, as Vrail tied himself to the column next to her.

"Seafish," Vrail answered, as if that explained everything. "Just stay put, it'll be over soon. They just have to get the side spikes down."

[When did this become Moby Dick?

Captain: have you seen the white whale?

People: No whale, no whale, we ain't seen no whale (to the tune of noel)

Vrail: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Kale: I think so, Vrail, but this time maybe we should use two ostriches]

Kale couldn't see what was going on above. All she saw were men running with swords, spears, ropes and chains. Suddenly there was a huge crash from the wall near their cots, boards and metal pushed in through a gigantic whole.

[Huh?]

She couldn't believe it;

[The last sentence? That was a typo, Kale.]

it splashed water into the hold, its jaws snapping hungrily mere inches from the center support columns.

[This is one nasty `whole']

Kale's eyes went wide, her heart pounded in her chest, fear paralyzing her, her mind screaming, but no sound was uttered.

[Vrail: It ate the sound guy!]




"Kale," D repeated for the one hundredth time. "Kale, I'm here." He'd helped kill the great seafish.

[What's so great about it?

D: *holding chopsticks, and a piece of `great seafish sashimi* It tastes great with soy sauce!]

The men had already repaired the hole left in the side of the ship.

[Darn, I wanted this to end like Titanic, with D old and jabbering like a fool about Kale, and her dead at the bottom of the sea.

Um… Hole in ship = sinking. Sinking = no time to repair ship. Not being able to repair ship = Dead. Very Dead.]

Vrail had untied her when the danger had past, only she didn't move. She barely breathed. She had gripped the column with such a force that her hands were white and her fingertips were bleeding slightly.

"It was right in front of us. If it was two feet longer, we wouldn't be here."

"Shut up Vrail!" shouted D. "Kale, come on. Look at me."

"<Small mercies>,"

[No, a small mercy would be the Mary Sue actually DEAD.

That would be a LARGE mercy. A small one would be her getting afflicted with laryngitis, having wild monkey sex with D, and dropping out of the story.]

said the captain and drew his blade. ."<Fright has her, she won't come back>." He raised his blade to bring it down in the middle of her chest.

[So Kale's a horse now?

YAAAAAY! Mary sue death!]

"<No>!!" shouted D, blocking the captain's dagger with one of his own.

[They're swords are now shrinky-dinks. You know, those things that get tiny and look like glass… oh, come on, SOMEONE has to know what shrinky-dinks are!

Swords and daggers are two things. Sword is to dagger as an SUV is to hot wheels. D wouldn't have been able to stop the sword, (especailly if it is a broad sword), and where the hell did he get a dagger? Where is his sword? Did his sword shrink?

Shrinking sword? Ask your doctor about Viagraâ"¢ today!]

"<You said yourself, I am responsible for her. Let me handle this>."

[So D's going to be the one to kill her?

Vrail: Uhm where's it gone?

Captain: It's crawled down into the engine room!

D: This isn't Red Dwarf, guys.

Captain: NO, argghhh…she kept making STEW-ARGGGH! And she only gave us two spoonfuls! ARGGGH-Kill!]

The captain nodded and left. The men wanted seafish meat for dinner, and were already setting fires in empty steel drums.

[Hopefully, they'll set the boat on fire in the process

Where did they get steel drums?

Jamaica? Argggh, mon!

They already have sheep, horses, a fridge which doesn't work, equipment for bondage, enough materials to make a bathroom, and chickens.]

At least they wouldn't go hungry during the night. D went back to Kale.

[I don't think he ever left her, unfortunately]

He tried to get her to let go of the column, but her grip was as solid as iron

[Shouldn't' that be as STRONG as iron?

D: Wow, her grip is really solid! Too bad she's not gripping anything…]

. "Kale," he said, turning her head to look in her eyes.

[Wow! He just said more than he's ever said in the entire first movie in this chapter alone, and half of it's been her name.]

[D: Damn…Eyes aren't glazed .That means she's still alive…]

He eyes were wide; the spark that had developed there over the last six and a half weeks was gone.

[D: Look! I finally managed to put the fire out! She's not burning anymore! Go me!]

Her pupils refused to react to the light. He kissed her, hopping a different kind of shock would bring her around. Nothing.

[If you want to shock her, find an electrical outlet

If you wanted to shock her, show her Vrail and one of the sheep….]

"Vrail, go to the kitchen. In the cooler, bring me the biggest onion you can find." Vrail ducked into his tunnel that led to the kitchen and disappeared.

"Onions wont help," said the sym.

[D: Acutally, I want to start a food fight. They're fun. Really.]

"I know," he said, looking around one last time. No one. "Wake her." He took his left glove off and placed his hand to her right temple.

"I can't promise this will be gentle."

[The sym is going to wake her up by eating her head? Well, she wasn't using it anyway.]

"Do it quickly." The symbiot was a mysterious creature in many ways. Most of its power he didn't understand, nor did he want to.

[Letting something which you don't understand attach itself to an important body part is a bad idea.]

"She's terrified," said the sym, "D stand close to her. I'm going to break through."

[So THIS is how the Vulcan mind-meld works, they have a parasite on their hand that latches on to the other person. Isn't that cheating?]

He stepped closer, pressing his body to her, wanting her to feel his strength.

[D, you are Not sailormoon.

D: Awww, but I wanted an excuse to put my hair up in odangos.

Parasite: Yeah, I'd want to attached to a fruitcake]

A moment later she screamed.

[Kale: D: It's eating my head!

D: I know

Kale: Aren't you going to do something?

D: Well, I can't feed it the horse

Kale: Sheep

D: Shut up

Super sheep: baaa!

D: I thought we stopped with that running gag

`squirrel': Squeak

Me: E-I-E-I-O]

Some of the crew looked into the hold at the sound of their cook's terrified cries. The captain saw this and ordered them away. They did so.

[Captain: Leave her alone boys…Arggh…Or she'll cook more STEW!

Crew: Ahhhh! Make it stop! Can't sleep, stew will eat me! Arrgggh!]

Kale kept screaming as tears ran from her eyes.

[Tears: We refuse to be in such a crappy story!]

D quickly put his glove back on and managed to separate Kale from the post, and held her as she collapsed on the floor. "Easy Kale," he hushed. "Easy now. Its over."

[The parasite stopped eating her head? Cool, now we can make headless horseman jokes!]

"SHARK!!" she cried, over and over, her cries not weakening.

[D: No, Seafish

Crew: We ran out of `sea fish'. Can we eat her?

D: Head's missing.

Crew: Dammit, the brain is the best part!]

"For God's sake, D, bite her to shut her up. She's hurting what little I hear with already."

[You're stuck to D. You hear through HIS ears]

He didn't. He picked her up and carried her to their bunks.

[Left her there, and got some asprin because her sole talent is screaming.]

Thankfully their bags did not get knocked out the hole the seafish had ripped open. He laid her down on his bunk and draped both her cloak and his over her. "She's in shock," he said, over her cries.

[No, she isn't. Shock is when your skin is clammy, you're bleeding profusely, and your breathing and pulse are quick and shallow. Unfortunately, there aren't a million websites covering this, oh, wait, there are! Stupid author.]

"So! Bite her anyway!"

[The parasite wants D to bite people for blood, not their own well being…

D: That's disgusting!

Parasite: Okay, then just kill her.

D: Not a bad idea, actually.

D: When the hell do I take advice from you? *shoves his left hand into kales mouth* Ha! Now you're both quiet!]

She was finally resting. Restlessly, but, at least, she was no longer screaming. Despite the symbiot's pleas, D didn't lay a fang on her.

[Awwww

D: *Breaks fang, and puts it on Kale.* This doesn't seem right, does it?]

She turned over and woke sharply.

[Kale: D, you left your sword in the bunk *falls asleep and rolls off*]

"Please, don't start screaming," said D.

[D: I'm still waiting for the headache to go away from last time.]

"That was..."

"You kept screaming 'shark'."

[D: It was a Seafish, dumbass! You can't learn one simple creature? Look, horse! Hor-orse!

Super sheep: Baaa!

D: YOU are NOT helping!]

"Bigger than Jaws ever was."

[Especially considering Jaws was just a mechanical shark head, not the entire thing. Jaws 2, that's a different story.]

"Kale..."

[D: I still can't get over your name, it's a vegetable

Kale: I still can't believe you think that's a horse

Super Sheep: Baaa (I still can't believe I'm a running gag)]

"I hate sharks. I run from pictures of them. I won't watch programs about them,

[If Kale did this, she'd know that:

1. You're more likely to get killed by a bee than a shark.

2. The biggest sharks are plankton feeders…And Kale does not resemble plankton, at least, THIS Kale doesn't.

3. A lot of sharks bite humans because they are stupid enough to confuse humans with seals.

4. Most sharks aren't big enough to bite humans. Few species are the same size as the Great whites. Most sharks are really small.

5. Jaws is a piece of fiction. As in, not real.

6. Sharks big enough to rip a hole in the ship didn't exist in her time]

I went catatonic at an aquarium when my jerk of a date took me to a shark exhibit when I told him not to."

[And Kale, being the idiot she is, couldn't just NOT GO.

And ruining a date by going into attention-seeking hysteria like a spoiled toddler isn't being a jerk?]

She strode to the center columns and started to hit the one she'd been tied to. D stopped her seeing her hands bleed slightly with each strike. "The paramedics had to sedate me!" she cried.

[Catatonia: When someone no longer reacts to their environment, a form of schizophrenia ( I knew she was nuts!) No longer moving, extremely inactive

Sedate: to calm, to tranquilize. Any calmer than catatonic and she'd be dead!

The paramedics did not HAVE to sedate you, they probably wanted to send you into cardiac arrest so you'd never ruin anyone's life with your boring whininess again.]

"Why didn't you tell me?"

[D: I'm a doctor, not a clairvoyant, sorry, that came out wrong, let me re-do that.]

"Kale. The seafish are vicious, but we have defenses against them. You're safe now."

[Translation: SHUT UP!

What defense? The stupid thing almost killed you all by ripping a hole in the ship. I don't want to buy anything from that company].

"What made them so big?"

[Kale, there's a little thing called `evolution,' which seems to have worked backwards to make you.]

He took her back to his bunk and sat her down, speaking quietly. "What the war didn't finish,

[Politics did]

scientists mingled animals together and made even more horrible monsters then the war could ever produce."

[Like pigeon rats, flying weasels, and you

Why the hell couldn't these people make an atomic bomb?

Especially since the atomic Bomb won't try to eat them.]

"Why didn't someone stop them?"

[It seemed like a good idea at the time

They had big, insane, blood-thirsty animals. We stayed home, and ALIVE.]

"Someone did. With even more terrible monsters." He gently brushed her hair back as she hid her eyes,

[Kale: okay, find my eyes, and then you hide something I'll find it

D: I don't like where this is going…

Kale: Come one, it's fun

D: No, you're just trying to get laid

Kale: What's wrong with that?]

crying. "We'll be safe on the Far Shore. Can you hold out till then?"

[Translation: I don't want to hear you whine anymore!]

She nodded. "Good. I won't let you down again. I promise."

"I need a bath." She whispered, and D went to see what he could do about that.

[Great, now he's going to install a bathroom to that port-o-potty he built for her, next she'll want living room, and a dining room, complete with furniture, and a backyard, and a pool and a tennis court

Kale: And a dog house for my dog, Mr. Fluffy-kins.

D: That's a Chicken.

`Dog'/`Chicken': Baaaaaaa…]


They had seafish; or shark;

[We already figured out that hey were related.

Sharks and fish are a little different. And, why the hell are people calling sharks `sea fish'? That would be like calling a cat `land-mammal'. Technically it is, (sorta) But it looks really stupid to be calling it that.]

meat for the rest of their journey. Kale opted out of eating it after a while and went to eating salads, stating if she ate another bite of it she'd grow gills herself.

[Lettuce lasted for six and a half weeks? Was it preserved in Jell-O too?]

After another five to six weeks, however, the Far Shore was finally in sight. They sailed back and forth outside the mouth of a harbor,

[Captain: Arggh…what the hell is happening?

Crew person # 3: (Drunk) Hundred bottles of sheep on the sea, Hundred bottles of sheep on the sea, take one down, pass it around…

Captain: Argghhh…]

waiting for the tide to recede. The harbor was exceptionally deep, but was surrounded by a ring of old coral & rocks,

[Which was a dumb place to put a harbor.]

with an arch extending over the only inlet to the safe harbor. When the tide was up, there was only about ten feet of space between the water's surface and the arch, making passage for large ships impossible.

[Which is a really stupid place to put an arch.]

Finally, the tide receded after midday, and the ship passed through the opening with little trouble. But, again, they had to wait for the tide to come in before tying up to the docks to unload.

Below deck, Kale helped Vrail ready some of the larger bovines

[Ick]

for off loading

[Off loading had better not be what I think it means]

and rounded up the smaller lambs and goats, born during the trip and put them in the unloading crates.

[Born in six weeks? Did they only take pregnant animals on?]

D tied their bags to Nightmare's pommel and powered it up, unlocking its feet from the floor. "<We're docked>!" called the captain from the top of the ramp.

</voyage><chapter border="3" bordercolor="#3300BB" class="dry land but still stupid">

"Kale, its time," D mounted up and Kale swung up behind him adjusting her cloak as she settled.

[D: Its that time again

Kale: time to wash our socks?

D: It was that time a LOOOOONG time ago. No, it's time for the wheel of morality! Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn, tell us the lesson we should learn

Kale: What's it say?

D: `That's a sheep, you idiot'

Kale: Told you so]

"Well, it was good sailing with you." Said Vrail, picking up a stray lamb. "Perhaps if you need to cross again, you'll choose this ship."

[Kale: *Looks at the half naked idiot who sleeps with sheep* AAAAH! Save me!]

"I won't be crossing again," said Kale, holding tight to D. "If D has to go over again, I'm staying here."

"I won't be going again. If the western world needs the services of a hunter again, someone else will go. Not me. HA!"

[I thought D liked killing Vampires. He's been doing it for what? Centuries? If he didn't like it, it would get boring fast.]

He dug in his heels, and his horse swiftly ran up the ramp to the deck. Vrail waving as they went.

"Good bye then, young Arker," Vrail whispered. "I pray you will have peace in this new world."

[They didn't get off the boat. They're still on the deck.

D: Uh, little help?

Vrail: Sure!

*Horse zooms off out of sight*

Vrail: Everyone's a critic]

The upper deck was alive with the bustling activity of both crew and dockworkers. D explained that usually a ship had to pay a large docking fee, but this fee would be waved if the ship carried the jaws of a seafish.

[Sign: To anyone who brings to jaws of a seafish, we will wave your docking fee in your face!

Why? Do the harbor people really like jaws of a sea fish? Were they drunk when they thought of that?]

One less beast to make the water crossing safer.

[I thought Seafishes made crossing more perilous]

There were also repair crews examining the patchwork over the hole in the side, working out how much material was needed, and how long it would take for the repair.

[I thought they already fixed it

If they didn't, they would have drowned by now.]

D strode his horse next to the captain. "<May you have calm seas and fare weather, captain>,"

[Captain: May you learn to use a spellchecker

Captain: < I still say she was crazy…and I should have killed her. Now look at my crew!>

Crew: NO STEW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE STEW!]

he said. "<And may many seafish die upon your spikes>."

[That is like saying `May you have squirrel brains on your front bumper.']

"<Thank you eastworlder. And if you should ever tire of your woman's company, I'll pay you a handsome price for her>." He smiled back, eyeing Kale one last time.

[Yet again, people are mistaking Kale for a whore. Well, she IS a Mary Sue/romance heroine

First, he didn't like women. Did he change his preferences that fast?]

"<I doubt you could afford her>. Kale, hold tight."

[So D IS going to sell her! Yay!]

D spurred his horse one last time, just as the ramp was lowered to the dock. Its hooves clamored down the metal plank and onto the firm wooden deck. Then another twist of the reins and they were off at a gallop away from the shore.

"I will give you this choice." He said.

[Move it or lose it

I will give you 1,000 to wear your underwear…1,2500 if it's silk.]

"We can stay tonight at an inn here in town and look for a horse for you tomorrow, or we could use what rations we have and go to the next town by tomorrow."

[You're going to ride rations?]

"I don't care," said Kale, as they rounded a corner. "If things are relatively the same market wise,

[The same as what?]

prices will be higher, in a town like this, for horses. Just don't put me on another boat."

"Fair enough. Magar Rocks isn't far. We should be there by mid afternoon tomorrow."

[D: No one can hear you scream…or is that space?

You think that with all of the high tech things, like bazookas, tanks, rockets, and mechanized horses, they wouldn't have to rely on a ship to cross an ocean.

Like what? I'd hate to see these idiots on an airplane

Kale: AAAAAAAHH! Airfish!

D: That's a bird

Stewardess: Baaa]