Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ Bordellos on the wind ❯ And Now for Nothing completely Different ( Chapter 4 )

[And Now For Nothing Completely Different]

The air was sweet with the smell of flowers. What they were, she couldn't say. She opened her eyes to see the sunlight dancing through the branches of the huge tree she lay under.

[Hopefully six feet under]

The wind blew flower petals down from the tree and fluttered around her. She turned slightly and saw D sitting a few feet away gliding a grindstone down the length of his long sword.

[Kale: I…er…um

D: That wasn't a euphemism

Kale: Oooh. Phew.

Yeah, that would be very odd masturbation. Most people use their hands.]

"You're awake," he said, seeing her move, but not looking at her.

"When did we stop?" she asked, sitting up.

"When you almost fell off my horse," he said, still sharpening. "There are some rations in the saddlebag next to you. We'll go after you eat."

"Is this the only tree around here?"

[She's too lazy to look around, herself?]

"No."

"Excuse me." He was glad he could control his bodily functions. Sometimes, being half vampire had its advantages.

[And then there were times people gave you weird looks when you mentioned these advantages.]

About ten minutes later she returned

[Man, women DO take a long time in the bathroom. Okay, I don't, but I'm just one person

What did she do, check her make up in the bark?]

and picked out a small peace of dried shark meat. Sharks may have terrified her, but she did find they tasted good.

[I thought she was too terrified of them to eat them. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

D: Look, Kale! Gummi sharks!

Kale: AAAAAAAAAH!

D: I guess we can't buy them, huh?

Kale: *It's not shock, it's fainting…I think. *]

"Sorry about last night." D said nothing. "Are we set back far?"

[Could someone tell me what happened last night? I'm not clairvoyant. Otherwise, I would have told you you were writing a Mary Sue]

"We'll reach Magar Rocks this evening," He sheathed his sword and swung it onto his back. He then picked up the saddlebags and slid them behind his saddle. "There's a stream a few hundred yards away, we can get some water there."

"And carry it in what?"

"Nightmare has water storage spaces. He just drinks it in."

[Okay, this is getting weirder and weirder…

Curioser and curioser…

No, that would be if they got into psychedelic mushrooms. Hey, that'd be pretty cool if they did! I'd like to see that!]

"I won't ask how you get it out."

[I sure wouldn't]

"You ready?" She wiped her hands on a towel offered by D,

[They only have one horse for two people, yet they have enough room for towels? They were stupid enough to take towels, but nothing to carry water in, but the horse? They're stupid enough to get water out of a horse?

Super sheep to…cater to their stupid needs? Uh, you guys are taking all the super out of him]

then leapt to her feet.

[When was she sitting down?

Kale: *boing boing boing*]

They mounted up and continued on their way.

[Kale: *Boing Boing boing*

D: You're confusing the horse

Kale: *Boing* Sheep

Not-so-super sheep: Baaa

D: Do I look like Dr. Dolittle?]

Magar Rocks was actually some old city ruins.

[So it sucks, not rocks]

Decrepit concrete tilted and cracked with vines, trees and other vegetation growing out the various window openings. Odd little creatures lived in this new forest of death and life, but it was nothing she recognized.

[Unless she woke up in another country, or all the plants are mutants too, or maybe she just sucks at recognizing plants big time, they should still be the same. You don't get completely new species in ten thousand yeas.

Trees grow out of windows? ]

D felt her tighten her grip to his cloak as they past the ruins. "You all right?" he asked finally.

[Kale: Land shark! Land shark!

D: That's a sheep!
`Sheep': Neigh!

D: Shut up!

`Sheep': Baaa!

Kale: I think it's confused.

D: It used to think it was a bird]

"Did they learn?" she said. "That wars should be fought by the idiots who start them in the first place."

[What wars? Did I fall asleep again?]

"It ended, that's the main thing."

[That's not what people who died in it would say.]

"Yeah. Too bad the whole world had to suffer because of it."

[Isn't that the general nature of huge wars?]

She had tears streaming her cheeks, and was glad D couldn't see her cry.

"Why did you say that? About the people who start wars? Where did you come up with that?"

She inhaled deeply, burying the cries that threatened to undo her once more.

[Kale: *smacking head* Shut up in there!

D: You okay?

Kale: You shut up, and you shut up, and you fuck off. Don't give me that! I'm not burning anything, go away! Fine, be that way. Hey, I told you to shut up! No, not you, you!]

"A few years before they grabbed me, a movie was produced. Called THE POSTMAN. It was about people surviving after a war, and how one man inadvertently started to reunite the US, just by delivering letters to small towns that had isolated themselves. There was one group who dominated,

[Will…not…say…anything…

Copyright infringement? Or leather?]

and the postman rose up and fought them.

[Ha! I knew that post-people always have internalized anger.]

But rather than so many people fighting and dieing, the postman challenged the leader of the other group.

[Too bad the leader had a sniper who hid in a book depository across the street, who then killed the postman. The moral of the story: Challenging the leader is nice, but sniper rifles are better.]

It was from his line that I wished to god people would listen and take to heart. A direct quote, my tall friend. Remember it. You may never know when you will need it. To make sense out of senselessness."

[So after three chapters, Kale finally says something intelligent, and it turns out she's just reciting things from movies?]

"Choose your words carefully, Kale," he said, handing her a handkerchief. Surprised, she accepted it. "What may have been commonly said in your time, could make someone suspicious now."

[Because everyone's a republican]

"Just say I'm from over seas," she said, wiping her nose.

"There. No one says 'overseas' anymore. Its either the Western World, the Far Shore, or the Eastern Frontier when referring to land masses."

[Which one is Europe/Africa/Asia and which is the Americas and which is Australia?

The one with the guys wrestling mutant crocodiles is Australia

Roight!

Also, what the hell is the far shore attached to? Is it an endless beach? Because after a couple of miles, it's not a shore anymore.]

"Are the oceans still named?"

"No, they are just the Great Crossings."

[That's one small step for man, and one horrible name for oceans]

He stopped the horse at another river and allowed it to drink. "Expressions such as fair winds and calm seas are still around,

[Funny, I've never heard of that one. But I have heard of `your mother takes credit cards.'

I heard of `get off there,' `Don't play with that, `You don't belong here,' and `Next time you throw up over the rails, make sure it's the side rails and not the stair rails']

but only in the seaman's speech."

[Seaman's…HA HA HA HA HA HA ! `Scuse me for a few days…Ha ha!]

"How did that develop?"

[D: Perverted teenagers]

"Not sure. Its formal name is Glouster..."

"Glouster fishermen, long liners, Bangor, Main and up the eastern seaboard. I've heard of them. Craziest bunch of seamen

[Say `fishermen' please…Hee hee ha ha ha! `Scuse me again...]

if ever there lived any. But strong? Man. Say what was the name of the ship we were on anyway?"

"Why?"

"Come on..."

"I think the captain called it Titanic.

[Then why didn't it sink? I want my money back! Oh, wait, this fic was free…

Where was the iceberg? The dead people? The drowning and freezing?

The hot car sex?

Wait, that would mean she would be the only one to survive.

Then the Seafish could have eaten her. Yay!

Roight!]

It's the largest boat he's captained so far."

"Well, I hope he changes the name."

"Why?" He turned as she laughed slightly.

"Titanic was the name of the largest ship ever built in the White Star line. Said to be unsinkable. It sank after hitting an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland, on its maiden voyage. It sank with close to 1600 passengers and crew still on board."

[That's still not a good reason. They could've named it `Bob Kerplunk the Fluffy, v 5.7', and it wouldn't have changed a thing about the boat.

Same with her, even if she weren't named after a vegetable, she'd still be one

You are what you eat]

"That's not funny."

[You just have to look at it from a cynic's point of view]

"I know."

"Then why are you laughing?"

[Kale: I'm just imagining the look on your face if I asked you to paint me wearing a necklace.

D: So?

Kale: ONLY a necklace

D: I, er um, excuse me, damn, where's that `control body functions' thing now?]

"Because I don't want to cry anymore. Would you rather I cried?"

"I'd prefer silence." He said,

[I'd prefer a Mary Sue Massacre, but I'll settle for silence

And yet they still would beat anyone who hits on either one of them into a bloody, screaming pulp. And here, (D tells Mary Sue to shut up, but in nicer terms). And this is a relationship?

Note to self: Take boyfriend to psychiatrist before getting involved]

moving the horse forward after it finished drinking, its water reserves full once more. "Would you mind if I asked you something?"

"What is it?"

[D: Where do babies come from?]

"Why do you prefer to ride behind me?"

Kale blushed a bit, thinking over her answer. "Well...do you want the whole brutal truth, or just a respectful part of it?"

"If you can't tell me the whole truth, than say nothing."

[Kale: Well…You see…I have this…Problem…

D: …

Kale: I can't…I have…To…To…

D: …?

Kale: I'm…I'm… a chronic backseat driver. Speed up this horse, and use your turn signals! NOW!]

For a moment she was silent, her hands sweating as she rolled the fabric of D's cloak back and forth in her hands. "It's partly because I can't..." she cleared her throat. "I get nervous...having you close like that...It really gets to me."

[D: huh?

She thinks someone who rescued her time and again will suddenly take his pants off and fuck the shit out of her]

She slid down as the horse still walked on and continued beside him on foot. "That and the pommel of your saddle digs in too much. In places I'd rather not disclose."

[Then just shove D backward so you're not humping it! Geez, make the guy give you some room!]

D said nothing. "Can I ask you something, really personal?"

[I thought he didn't say anything. Is he a telepath?

Kale: AAAAAAAAH! The voices in my head sound like D!

D: (telepathicly) I am the voices in your head. Or one of them at least.

Kale: *pulls out an duck (what did you think I was going to say?) and puts it on her head*

Actually, that seems very in character for her.]

"You'll forgive me if I choose not to answer."

[Who's talking?

Wait, if Kale is offended by D's question, D has to forgive Kale for not answering? I thought it would be that D would have to apologize for asking a really personal question.

Kale: Actually I'm finally opening up to you, so you as hell BETTER answer the damn question!]

Wait, I thought Kale was talking.

"Fair enough," she paused, trying to think of a way to ask without it sounding insulting. 'To hell with it. There's no easy way to put it anyway.' "Are you gay?"

[D: Yes.

Kale: That explains a lot

D: Why the hell are you interested?

Kale: *pulls out camera* Yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi!]

D pulled the horse to a stop. Shock couldn't begin to describe his reaction. He'd been asked many things,

[Such as `Are you sure that's a horse?' `Do you WANT to give your mother a heart attack?' `You DO know this is a brothel, right?' and `Why are you riding a sheep?']

many things, but never this. "What gives you that idea?"

[The lipstick and over all girliness of those Yohitaka Amano drawings of you, the fact that your outfit is co-ordinated, the fact that you looked Carmilla in the EYES, and the drooling at the Rocky Horror Show when that guy sung `Sweet Transvestite']

"Well, a lot of things really, but nothing that I can really pin down.

[Sure you can, if you surprise him and really try.]

Besides, in my time, the really cute ones always turned out to be either married, or gay."

[Sometimes both

D?…Cute?…D?…Cute? D is handsome, or pretty, depending on how you look at it. BUT D IS NOT CUTE!

I have to agree there. I also think this is throwing pedophilia in with bestiality and nymphomania

It's like one big Greek myth. Only more boring, less gore, and more fainting.]

"Well rest assured, I am not either of those."

[Hand: Good thing she didn't ask if you were transgender…

D: *whispering* SHUT UP!]

'Oh,' she nodded. 'Doubly, dangerously tempting. God please give me strength.'

[God: No, I don't like you. You piss me off. Crikey!

God give you strength to do what? You pretend you're in a relationship with the guy, so you might as well enjoy the benefits. Why beat everyone who lays eyes on him, and not have sex with him?]

D suddenly reached down and lifted her to his saddle settling her astride the horse in front of him, shifting his position back to give her more room. "No, D, please." She asked trying to have him release her, but his grip around her waist was firm.

"There's a storm coming. I want to be at the village inn before it arrives." He spurred the horse to a gallop and headed around the ruins and onto a roadway.

[Hopefully, where a bus hit them.

Okay, D being a jerk, not caring about other's feelings, especially when it's for his benefit…He's in character? How did this happen? Why did it have to be ruined by the fact that Kale can't say no to any guy she's romantically interested in?

Crikey! These critters certainly are strange!]



It was about three hours, before D pulled his horse down to a walk, by then they had reached the village limits. Soft claps of thunder rolled overhead,

[Q: Tell me, how does thunder roll, how do tables stick to walls, and how do daggers work against swords?

A: They don't. Live with it.

Behold the power of plot holes]

and every few minutes the clouds flashed with the lightning straining to spring free.

[Lightning: Let me out! Let me at her!

Cloud: You don't know where she's been!]

D stopped his horse in front of the tavern and dismounted; taking the saddlebags off and taking the reins he looked to Kale. "There's a stable next door."

Kale slid from the saddle slowly.

[People keep sliding off the saddle, did they liquefy?]

"Oh, that's gona leave a mark."

[If your ass is sore, you bounced on the saddle. You're not supposed to bounce. I know this from experience.

How would riding in a saddle leave a mark? Was she naked? Was her butt to close to D's belt, and she now has a belt imprint on her butt?

Maybe liquefying with one's pants on is going to stain them]

She followed D to the stable trying to work the pain out of her legs.

[If she can still walk, then her legs just cramped up or she's trying to work out her now-wide stance too soon. ]

D stabled the horse then led Kale into the tavern.

[She couldn't figure out where it was herself?]

It wasn't that different than the one in the west, accept it didn't smell bad, and the room was a mix of western and eastern traditional décor.

[Cowboy hats and a display of Chinese dolls?

The author never did explain which landmass was which. Technically, both continents are both west and east of each other.]

And the call girls were dressed more respectfully, and not just in their under garments.

[See? I told you Shelly wasn't wearing a shirt

See? D isn't gay. He stops only at places with lots and lots of call girls.]

The men were about the same though, long leering looks to any female who passed them.

[Did they still have their hands down their pants?

What about each other's pants? YAOI!

The womens' pants?]

Kale tightened her grip on her cloak and duffle bag.

[Is it too scary for her to think of men as having hormones?

Um, she's been molested before, seen a naked guy who sleeps with sheep. This, by comparison, is normal.]

She used to carry a purse that she'd stuff with weighted wallets and timekeeper books.

[Weighted wallets? Did she put lead dollars in them? What are timekeeper books? Paper watches?]

If anyone accosted her, the purse made an excellent weapon of defense.

[Although a wussy one. I prefer to stick to the classic teeth-knees-scream combo

Knives work…Why don't you just carry an knife if you get attacked so often?

Where's that everybody-loves-you-despite-you magic you used to have?]

But all she had now was a duffel bag. Not very big, and not very heavy, but she could swing it nonetheless.

[But, the duffel bag did have valuable objects, which could be sold to get a stupid knife.]

D directed her to a hall that led to some rooms for rent.

[Sounds like they want to live there]

He unlocked one of the doors and ushered her in. 'Two beds? Thank you God,' she thought,

[Wait, D is extremely good looking, and she's attracted to him, and she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed? Where are her hormones?

Same place as her brain]

and let herself drop onto the bed nearest the window.

[So she could climb out during the night and be free. Free!]

D set his saddlebags on the next bed and surveyed the rest of the room. The lav was complete with a shower, this was good. A shelf of fresh towels, even better. In the main room, there were the two beds, a night stand on either side, with a writing desk between n the beds.

[Usually hotels don't put large furniture between the beds. I've been in a lot of hotels, and I've never known them to leave anything larger than a nightstand between the beds.

Y'know, this is a fancy room, especially since most people aren't paying attention to the room, but to the bed.]

A double chest of drawers, and decorations, flowers, ornaments,

[A chest of drawers, decorations, flowers and ornaments?

Kale: Look! We can decorate a tree!

D: *pausing from stealing everything which isn't nailed down* huh?]

four oil lamps spread around the room, and the air in the room was heavy with incense.

[D: I wonder if the people who were here before us left a joint or two

Kale: Wouldn't the cleaning staff have gotten all those?

D: Darn

Cleaning Staff: Whoa, man!

They have mechanized horses, genetically engineered monsters running amok, and tanks, etc. And there are no light bulbs?]

"It will do."

[D: That'll do, horse, that'll do

Super sheep: Baaa

Kale: How'd he get in here?

D: The window. He flew in.]

He said quietly. "Kale here."

[No, you're D, and you don't have a phone

D: Sit, girl! Good girl, have a Mary Sue treat. Now, roll over, girl!]

He handed her one of his daggers. "Put it on.

[Can people wear daggers?

They can wear the sheath for one, they can have a dagger in them, they could have a dagger on their head, but I don't think you can wear one.]

No one should be without a weapon of some kind."

[Her horrible personality doesn't count?

Some guys aren't interested in that. Well, most aren't.]

She looked the blade and sheath over, then tucked it into the outside of her right boot. "I need to stretch." She said.

"So?"

[Yeah, so?]

"Not with you standing there. I'd die of embarrassment."

[How much more of a prude can she get?

Kale: D, stay ten feet away! No, voices, shut up, hormones are bad. I must kill everyone in this building! They are evil! You can't have sex, ever!

Is she Hamish?

But stretching is idleness]

Without a word he stepped into the hall, and closed the room door. "I told you," whispered the sym. "She's got it bad for you."

[No, she seems to hate your guts, she won't even stretch with you in the room

Is she one of those chicks who does naked yoga? If so, I don't want to know about it.]

"Be quiet. Someone will hear."

[So?

If they did, I really doubt that they'll stop fucking to check on the weirdoes next door. Unless they want a foursome.]

"You mean 'She' will hear.

[So?]

You know some women like it when two..."

[Two guys have sex? Two girls have sex? Two people have sex? Two orgies are at the same time?

Two people are talking to each other?]

the symbiot was cut off by Kale's scream. D threw the door open,

[It has a doorknob, you don't need to rip it off its hinges and throw it]

sword half drawn, fully expecting to find some person or creature accosting her.

[Now she's so attractive, non-humans want her. Uh-huh.

I thought she was non-human in the first place]

Only she was sitting on the floor, a frightened look in her eyes. She pointed under the bed.

[What now? A shark under the bed?]

D looked. A body. A young man, of about 25, lay dead.

[Obviously, otherwise it would be a person, not a body]

"Keeper!" he shouted dragging the bed aside.

[Yeah, like he can hear you

How small is this hotel?]

The innkeeper stepped in and shrugged. "I was wondering what happened to him."

[I was also wondering what to do about breakfast, this solves everything!]

He bent down, grabbed the dead man's shirt collar, and pulled him out into full view, dropping the man to the floor right in front of Kale.

"I think I'm gona be sick." She said, covering her mouth.

[How sheltered was this idiot?]

"Be easy slut," said the keeper.

[Its kind of hard for a slut not to be easy

It's kinda hard to run a business when you insult the customers.]

"He's been dead a while. Looks like one of his buddies last night took a knife to his back.

[Last night wasn't that long ago, unless we're all suddenly on Jupiter]

Kept him face down so the blood wouldn't stain the floor.

[Someone explain that to me. Wouldn't the blood just spill off his back and then stain the floor?

Well, if they managed to hit the lungs, which can be done, depending on the person, angle, and length of the knife, the blood would go through the esophagus, and out the mouth.]

That was nice of them."

[Yes, they should do it to Kale and be extra nice

Or, to be really nice, not kill minor characters, who don't even get lines.

But killing Kale would be nicer]

D grabbed his bags and Kale's, then pulled her to her feet. "I refuse to stay in a place that keeps the dead in their rooms.

[D: Yeah, keep `em in the morgue where they belong!

Keeper: This is a morgue, you wandered into the wrong room

But it said in the brochure `dead body with every room, and

And where the keepers insult my companion." He pushed Kale out the door and then out of the tavern all together. "Follow me."

"This is the only inn in town."

[She knows this how?

What about D's money? So the keeper got money, without having them stay there, so he can give the room to someone else?]

"We'll stay in the stable." D disappeared into the barn's darkness.

[They walked straight from their room to a stable? Can't these people stop having sex long enough to build walls?

People: Why would we?]

"In the barn? No way, not me." A clap of thunder over her head chased her inside.

"Up here." He shone a light from the loft and aimed it's beam onto the ladder to her left.
She climbed up and made her way to D, who had laid out their blankets over the hay.

[They have both blankets and towels? Did they steal the blankets from the hotel room before they left?]

The rain danced on the roof as the storm let go. "Get some sleep. We'll eat tomorrow."

[Kale: I'd rather eat food]

"Sleep here? In the loft? I don't think so."

"What now?"

[Kale: There aren't loft sharks, are there?]

"Things happen in lofts...and I won't be part of it."

"What things?" Just then they heard the passionate cries of a woman on the opposite end of the loft. They could hear the muffled groans of the man she was with.

[Apparently, people CAN'T stop having sex long enough to build walls

And this is a bad thing…?]

D turned to Kale, in the dim light, he could see her blush. "Go to sleep. Please.

[D: And I'll slap you if you watch them..]

They won't bother us."

[Well, they might bother D, but I doubt they would want Kale in a foursome…]

'Its not them I'm worried about,' she thought, securing her cloak around her and laying down next to D. D respectfully laid his hat over his face and drew his cloak around himself.

[D, you might want to try rolling over. It hides *that* better. What? You're a guy, there's people fucking the hell out of each other fifty feet away, and you're going to wake up next to a girl in the morning. Its natural!

I don't think it's very natural for D, what with the sudden ability to control his `body's functions'. Which he couldn't do around Doris…Hmmm…I think D likes Blondes.

I think he likes chicks with guns

Or maybe just guns]

She laid awake listening, or trying not to listen,

[Which one was it?]

to the couple across the loft. What would D do? Would he be excited himself, knowing there were others doing that?

[Probably. So?

Isn't D hot? Aren't you attracted to him? Is this a problem if he gets hot and bothered?]

She tensed; ready to strike out if D touched her. But then again, would she want him not to touch her? 'I'm getting a head ache,' she thought

[See, Kale, that's why you shouldn't think, if it gives you a headache…And why does it take you that long to figure out if you lust after D? It's a damn yes or no question.]

and eventually relaxed. D never moved the whole night.

[Because he was dead.

Kale: Props!

Woman who was moaning: Props?

Kale: Well, he's more movable scenery than a character, given how much he talks, I mean, in reality.]



D slept very little; if you could call it sleep where two people were writhing in passionate sex not more than 50 feet away.

[Yes, you can

Damn, do they have stamina…How long have they been going at it?

They sound more fun, this story should be about them

*eyes glaze over*]

But things were quiet now. Kale had finally dropped off to sleep some time before, the horses, a few real ones, were settled. All he heard were the night creatures, and...a rustling, and it was coming closer.

[*Insert Jaws music here*

Kale: SHARK!

D: *throws her to the thing*

Everyone else: YAY!

Two people in the loft: Aaah..AH!…Did you hear something?]

He drew his long dagger and quickly extended his arm, catching the intruder under his chin. "Go back to your woman," he said, realizing it was the man from across the loft. His scent reeked of sex.

[Uh, is that possible? Wouldn't he reek of hay? Maybe sex smells good, it obviously FEELS good

No, I think he smells of cum…]

"I apologize for waking you," said the man quietly,

[Man: No threesome?

D: No.

Man: Her?

D: No.

Man: You?

D: No.]

"I dropped something when we first came up last night. I was just looking...Ah, there it is." The man reached through the hay and picked up something shinny, the light from the coming dawn highlighting it from the windows above the doors.

[Heheh…I can think of one thing that the object can be…bzzzzz?

This guy can't stay in one place while having sex, he's been going all over the place.

That's a bad thing?]

"I'll go now." A moment later he could hear the muffled laughs and snickering of the two love makers. Then suddenly, something small and light landed on his chest,

[Who's chest? D's, or the very, very, very happy guy's?]

tossed over the pile of hay. "In case you need it for your girl," said the man, and the woman gave a loud cry as their pleasures resumed.

Kale woke suddenly and tried to bury her ears in her duffle bag. "Don't they know when to quit?"

[No, but sometimes that's a good thing... I'm told

Or, quitting in the middle of sex can be a really BAD THING.]

she sighed.
"No. Come on. The tavern will be opening soon. We'll take a look at the list of horses for sale at the livery down the street, then we'll eat."

[Umm…It's morning already? The two `lovers' never quit (Good for them!), and D never got to sleep…

Why would they eat the horse? Isn't there a place that sells food?

Are there people having sex in the kitchen as well?

Person: Hey, it does bring in customers…]

"What's this?" she asked, catching the plastic thing in the air as it flew off of D's cloak when he stood.

"A gift from me," moaned the other man as he made the woman scream louder.

[Wait, didn't he need that? Did he come over just to find a condom to throw it at D?

He stopped having sex to distribute condoms to other people? I don't like his priorities…]

"Lets get out of here." She tucked the tiny condom packet into her bag and quickly followed D down the ladder. After securing the bags, D mounted up and followed Kale to the open doors. "I can walk," she said, as he extended his hand. He picked her up and sat her in front of him. Then she realized why, as they rode out to the street. The ground was covered in about 2 to 3 inches of mud.

[I guess they are too `busy' to clean the streets…

Wouldn't it be covered in horse poop as well?]

Frustrated that he'd said nothing, she kicked his foot out of the stirrup and used it to swing behind him.

This riding with someone else was going to take some getting use to. "The livery stable will be opening soon to tend their horses."

"D, how come you don't like me riding behind you?"

[D: Because I always like to be the one behind. What? Stop laughing. What'd I say?]

"I don't like anything behind me. I have a long sword, and I could hurt you if I had to draw it quickly."

[Kale: PERVERT! *slaps D*

D: I don't speak and I carry a long sword…that's close enough, right? I don't want to drag a stick around]

"Well if you do, do that, just push me off the horse."

[D: Can I push you off the horse anyway? Just for fun?]



"Max," she said, admiring her new horse.

[Which was really a set of coconut halves

Max…and Nightmare…Max…and Nightmare…umm….]

It was the same as D's horse, a DL4, only hers was shinier and had an almost silver mane and tail. D had examined all six of the horses for sale, and only this one was suitable. The others all having thin hoof coverings, bad joints & gears, being an older model, or some other problem.

[And things that said `Firestone' on them]

But 'Max' had only been purchased by the seller the day before, and had not yet been viewed.

D bartered over the price to include tack and saddlebags, paid and then handed Kale the reins. "Why Max?" he asked.

[Why not Max?]

"Steel to the Max, that's the name I gave a dapple gray percheron long ago.

[`Steel to the Max' went out in the seventies. She's not only an anachronism now, but she was in her own time.]

He was beautiful. I liked it and hoped one day I could buy him for myself,

[Is that why she stole all the crap jewelry?

As a question…If these mechanized horses are manufactured…As in, made by someone, how can they have genders?]

but that day never came."

"Well, that nylon bag of yours isn't going to last.

[Nylon won't last? Huh?]

Repack it into her saddlebags.

[If D bought the horse, wouldn't it be his saddlebags? If the money came from her jewelry, then why is D spending it? Or are they talking about the horse, which shouldn't have a gender?

If it was a female horse, it'll be `Steel to the Maxine']

We'll be on our way after breakfast."

"To where?" D didn't say.

They returned to the tavern and ordered a small breakfast, or at least that's what they had ordered. The tavern owner had shamed himself for insulting a girl who had not chosen a vocation common to tavern girls.

[Hey, considering Kale, that's an easy misunderstanding]

To apologize, he set before the two a feast fit for kings.

[Why is he apologizing? He got money, and they didn't take a room. That would be getting something for nothing.]

There were breads of all flavors, rolls, roast meat sliced for sandwiches, eggs cooked in all fashions,

[Both summer and winter]

fruit both dried and fresh, he set pots of tea on a side table with decanters of wine and fine crystal. In all, the food extended across three tables.

[Wouldn't kings eat something better?]

D leaned over to Kale and whispered. "He's begging us to forgive him for disgracing you last night."

[She didn't figure that out? How dense is she?]

"What do I do?" she asked. "I don't forgive people for calling me a slut, I usually break their jaw, or try to anyway."

[So do both

She can break someone's jaw? She's violent? Since when?

D found her and she tried to attack him. She didn't have her glasses on. It's like Clark Kent. He can't be violent without taking his glasses off.]

"It's up to you. But he won't stop bringing food until you forgive him."

She regarded the tavern owner as he set a tray of hors d'oeuvres on the side table. She grabbed his arm firmly. "You swear to me, you'll never assume anything about anyone without proof..."

[Okay, next time I'll ask for their slut license

Next time, I'll grab their boob, and if they hit me, I won't call them a slut.]

"I swear..." the man said dropping to his knees. "...I swear. I did not mean to shame you."

[*cough* Cop out! *cough*

Keeper: *Behind her back* Mary sue! MARY SUE!]

'I could get use to this,' she thought,

[Yeah, but you won't, because it won't happen again…hopefully.]

then let him go, the outline of her fingers still bright on his skin. "Then I forgive you for the insult, but not the body."

[I sense much lameness in this fic. Contirvance is stong in this one. Make sense. Sense leads to spellchecker, spellchekcer leads to learning, learning leads to coherency. Do not give in to the dark side. Senes, you must make.

Guy: Then you probably don't want to eat those sausages.]

"Six months," he said. "Six months of searching this stinking desert, and for what!!!?"

[Screaming idiot: Oh, right, water, that's what I'm searching for]

he swung his fist at one of his followers, who quickly ducked. "What happened?!"

"Lava tube opened up sir," said another. "The entire facility was completely destroyed."

[So was the giant lizard…oh, right, this ISN'T `Journey to the center of the Earth'

Damn, did those six months go really fast…]

"Which one was it? Can anyone find the marker?!"

[Marker? Is he going to draw something?

Look at me, I can draw a happy bunny rabbit…And a turtle…and a moogle…Whose very, very sad, because he lost his goth mage chick.]

"Sir!" shouted a man galloping up on his cyber horse. "Sir, you have to come see this."

[A plot? A likeable character?

Sex? It is everywhere!]

The leader was led to a group of four men, two were his followers in their black uniforms, the other two were older, nearing their 60's.

[And being old kept them from being his followers?]

One had no hair on the top of his head; the other had very thin hair. "This is Doctor Richmond, from the shore town, this is Quibb, he runs a buy and sell. Quibb had these in his shop." The man handed his leader a couple of finely crafted rings, one diamond, the other sapphire. "Says he bought them from an East Worlder and his woman. The doctor had this." The man then handed the leader a large book out of his saddlebag.

[Leader: Hey! Cool! I wondered where this went. What? It's mine. I read Marquis De Sade books, got a problem with that?

Doctor: Who's Marquis de Sade?

They can recognize styles of rings from 10,000 years ago?]

"You've done very well," said the leader, looking through the book. "Tell the men to pack up."

"Yes sir."

The leader knelt down and faced the elderly men sitting on the ground in front of him. His appearance no longer blocked by his eclipsing the sun. His eyes were green, and reflected a kind of cold madness.

[They also reflected the sky, `cause they are shiny eyes.]

His face was oval and peach colored,

[Peaches are orange and yellow and pink, I think there's something wrong with this guy

I think his face is very sun-burnt…]

a scar extending over his cheek from his right ear, almost reaching his nose. A nose that was steep and straight, his lips were thin as he spoke. "So Doctor, you had the revival manual for this ark. Why?"

"What are you going to do with us? What do you want?"

[Yeah, you're in the position to say that

Yeah, well, in addition to not likin' those readin' people, we don't like ya' PEACH people ya'.]

The man struck the doctor with his fist across his jaw. "I hate having questions answered with questions!"

[Screaming idiot: What do you think this is, Jeaopardy?

Doctor: What is no?]

he pulled the doctor upright by his nostrils. "My question will not be repeated."

[Isn't that kinda non-sanitary, the whole sticking your fingers up someone else nose thing?

Doctor: Darn because you were mumbling the first time you said it. What's an Ark?]

The doctor spat blood as he spoke. "About six months ago, a man, hunter I think, rode into town with a girl. She was very sick. Said he found her in an Ark."

[Gheed: You mean that thing with the guy who's scared of snakes?]

"Why is he carting the cell around?"

[Doc: I said `girl', not `jail'.]

the leader asked. "What is he sick or something?"

[Don't you want it as well? Wouldn't that make you sick?]

"He asked me to treat her."

"Where'd you bury it?"

"What?"

"The body! God in heaven, the girl, jerk face. When you found her to be dead, where'd you burry her?"

[Doctor: What the fuck is burry?

It's not quite `burning', and it's not quite `furry']

"She's not dead. She survived. She needed some antibiotics, and some immunizations, some rest and food. But she's alive."

"Impossible."

[Doctor: Yeah, she's so dumb, you'd think she wouldn't have survived beyond five years old]

"I swear its true."

"Someone screwed up."

[I think Kale's parents did.]

"Sir?" asked a guard.

"Someone from the past forgot to neutralize her brain.

[I'd say its pretty well neutralized, actually]

We've got a live cell running around out there." He then turned to Quibb. "How did you get a hold of these jewels?"

"They were sold to me, along with a lot of other jewels. I told them if anyone came looking..."

"I could care less about these trinkets. I want the Cell; the Girl!"

"I know where they went!" said Quibb.

[Isn't the leader yelling at him anyway? If he wasn't, what the hell is going on?]

"I'm listening."

[I'd be surprised if you weren't]

"He needed money, to take her to the Far Shore. That was over three months ago. They're probably there by now, if they didn't go down at sea."

[Wait, If they left three months ago, and this is six months later…Exactly how long do they spend in each location?]

"No, if the body died and the unit still intact, it would put out a distress signal heard around the world, to only those with the equipment to hear it.

[Then it wouldn't be heard all over the world, would it?]

This man, what's his name, what does he look like?" The leader pushed the barrel of his handgun up the end of Quibb's nose.

[Great, now your gun's dirty

What is it with noses?]

"D!" he shouted. "When I saw your guys talking about the jewels, I looked up his receipt. His name is D.

[Gheed/Quibb: At least, that's all he wrote on the receipt. Could be Donald for all I know]

He's a Vampire Hunter from the Eastern Frontier. He said that if you find him, you find her."

[And something about a leash]

"This bitch remember her name?" he asked handing the large book to one of the guards.

[Grumpy, Grumpy. I don't think that he a happy person. He must be all frowny, inside.]

"Kale," said the doctor. "D said her name was Kale. That's all he said."

"Good. Very good. Kill them."

"NO!!!!"

[YESSSS!!!!!!!!]

Two shots rang out in the open desert, and two men were dead.

[Unfortunately, they were Roger and Fred]

"We leave for the Eastern Frontier," said the leader, tossing the rigs away.

[Rigs? What rigs?]

"Mount Up!! We return to base!!"
"Commander Raseeda.

[Wait, I thought the commander was a guy? What's with the girly Tolkein name?

I think that's his last name…Or something, maybe it's a really insulting term in another lanuage?]

I noticed that this cook contains a name list of all the cell hosts. Kale's last name is Barrett, and look at the name of the cell she carries."

[When did this cook show up? Could someone explain this to me in non-clairvoyant language, please?

Okay, Bad man=looking for cells. Cells=? Why=? Kale=cell. Why=? Kale=travels with D Why=? D=hasn't killed Kale yet. Why=?]

The leader looked into the book, then snatched the book from the guard. "We've got to get that bitch back in the tank."

[I guess that buying a big duracell is out of the question, huh?]

"Yes Sir."

The ride was long, and boring.

[Isn't it always long and boring?]

Kale had tried to liven things up a bit by singing, only to have her batteries die again.

[rezigrenE batteries: They just keep dying and dying and dying…]

So rather than dip into her limited supply of replacements, she tried to get D to race Nightmare against Max. No good. D just looked at her dismissively.

[So he's finally in character?

But he hasn't implaed kale, laughing manically in glee as her eyes glaze over, and her blood runs…okay, bad me.]

They stopped for a short time under a huge tree near a grass and flower filled valley.

[Where they had encountered singing wildlife, but Nightmare stomped on them to death.]

D wanted to get a little rest so that they could make the next town by morning, by riding all night. But Kale couldn't sleep. "How can you sleep all day?" she asked D, his long frame leaning against the base of the tree, his hat pulled down over his face.

[And why do you have spock ears?

Sym: I haven't said anything in a while, huh?

D: *Shoves Sym into Kale's mouth*]

"Get some rest." He said, crossing his arms over his long sword he'd tucked under his cloak.

[Translation: One more annoying comment and I'm eating you]

She lay there for a while, and once sure sleep had taken D, she quietly got up and took Max's reins. "I can't understand him Max," she said,

[You probably couldn't understand much of anything, so this shouldn't be a surprise]

leading the horse to the middle of the field. "Maybe traveling with him wasn't such a good idea after all."

[Probably not, considering both of you put together has the personality of a doorstop

Actually, since you are as likely to win a fight as D pulling a plot out of his ass…I think that you need to stick next to Mr. Tall-and-personalityless, in case ANOTHER guy hits on you/hits you/insults you]

The horse shook its head as though to agree. "Thanks, you're a big help.

[You're talking to a horse…So don't expect much…]

Still, what he's done, no one else would have. Even 10,000 years ago. At least he isn't gay or married for that matter. But he's so boring. He's not like he was on the crossing. We talked, mostly about me, my past, and what to feed everybody."

[No, YOU talked about you, you, and you]

She held the tiny cross in her fingers and then let it fall back to her chest. "Hey Max, what say, you and I get to know one another."

[Ick.]

She mounted up and started walking the horse in a large circle. "I could use some practice anyway."

[I am so confused and disgusted

NO MORE! VRAIL WAS BAD ENOUGH!]



When D opened his eyes he looked first to the sky. Nearly evening, good. He turned to where Kale had lain down earlier, only to find her bedroll empty.

[Oh my God! It ate her!

Oh my god, YES!]

"Kale?" he called.

"Easy D, she took her horse to the valley several hours ago. They've been there ever sense," said the sym.

[How can the Sym see? It doesn't have musch of a view, considering that it on D's hand.]

"Doing what?"

"Riding, if my hearing is correct."

[D: Is that a euphemism?

Sym: I'm still trying to figure that one out myself]

D looked over the valley and sure enough there she was.

[What a small, and near valley, or maybe D has a habit of sleeping on cliffs or something

D: Can't sleep, valley will eat me…Can't sleep, valley will eat me…]

He said nothing as he watched her. She made serpentines up the valley at the canter gait and back down at the trot. She then cantered the horse diagonally up her circle and dismounted on the fly. The horse circled around at her direction, then, when she snapped her fingers, it headed back to her at the gallop.

[So, she's not riding the horse at all? What?

Maybe she ran off, and bought multiple horses for herself?]

The horse looked about to run her down, when she reached for the saddle horn and used the horse's momentum to climb back into the saddle.

"Impressive." D muttered.

"Yes. The maneuver wasn't that bad either," said the sym.

[Ha ha…oh, forget it, I can't fake a laugh for three stupid syllables when the humor is this bad and the hinting is like being hit in the head by a sick emu]

D continued to watch as she rode around. She had left her cloak with her bedroll, so her figure was unhidden. D had not seen anyone use the English style of riding in many millennia. It was how he had first learned to ride.

[Despite the fact that his father, Dracula, was Romanian

Despite the fact that English style of riding is not meant for fighting…]

Her legs were firm against the horse's sides, right along the girth, except for when she asked for a gait or lead change,

[Talking to horses will not get you results.]

when she'd use her lower leg to signal. She didn't bounce in the saddle as much as many people did.

[It would be very painful to do otherwise]

Instead, she rolled her hips along with the rhythm of the horse's stride. Her back was straight, as any rider's should be, and her hands held the reins between her last two fingers with the excess held in her palms and her thumbs pointing up. The only thing she didn't have was a hard riding hat, which had been common to all English riders. This left her hair to flow behind her and wave with each beat of hooves on the ground,

[Why is her hair on the ground?

Shouldn't it be on her head?]

the only covering, was a cloth bandana to keep stray strands from getting in her eyes.

"You're awake!" D snapped himself back to see her riding up to him. She pulled sharp on the bit and the horse made a beautiful sliding stop just two feet in front of him.

"You've been practicing," he said, picking up her cloak and bedroll, trying to shake the feeling of awe as he'd watched her.

[Wow, every person suddenly loses all IQ and is in awe of everything Mary Sue does… sorry, this fake enthusiasm's is giving me a headache, I need to chug some aspirin now]

"Well, I had to do something. You haven't been much fun since we left the ship."

[I doubt he's been ANY fun

No sex…but fun…No sex…but fun…Nope, can't picture it.]

He shook the grass out of the blanket and proceeded to fold it. She was right. He had been pushing her away lately,

[What's wrong with that?]

but he couldn't afford to get close to her.

[How much money does he need?]

On ship, he protected her from dozens of men in close quarters with one woman on board.

[But more passes were made at the sheep than Kale.]

"I'm sorry about that."

[For protecting her?]

"Don't worry about it. I should be used to it by now. Did I say or do something to upset you?"

"No."

"Then what is it? Oh, and please, don't' use the 'it's not you, it's me' line,

[What about the `It's both of us' line

What if I shoot you with an uzi?]

cause then I'll know its me." He handed her her cloak and she secured it around her shoulders, while he tied her bedroll to her saddle.

[D; the manservant.]

"I'm not use to traveling with someone." She pulled her bandana off her head and flipped her hair over her cloak. He couldn't help but watch.

[How long has it been since he's seen someone with hair?

Where did she get the bandana? Does the horse come with cloth, so that's where they got the towels, blankets, and now bandana?]

At that moment, the setting sun cast a light from behind her that lit the brown in her hair to an almost radiant gold. The strands danced brightly on the light breeze and cascaded around her face. 'Like feathers,' he thought, unable to look away.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

D visibly shook himself from her image. He'd never seen her look more beautiful at than very that moment.

I['ve never seen a sentenced worded like that. What did that mean?]

"Fine." He said, taking Nightmare's reins. "There's two towns we can make it to by tomorrow." He mounted his horse. "Edo and Ransylva."

"What's in Ransylva?" D looked at her. "You said it as though you dread going back there."

Images of a dark blond girl danced through his memory.

[D: Mmmm, dark blond-licious

Sym: shouldn't you be thinking of sugarplums?

D: what's a sugarplum?

Kale: I sure don't know

Sym: Why the heck am I named Sym? Is this an abbreviation or is the author giving me one of her lousy, non-original names?

Super sheep: *shrugs* Baaa

D: Not this again]

The vampire he'd killed to save her, the night he'd spent in her arms.

[Where'd the rest of her go?]

"A promise." He said. "I have to tell you a few things anyway. So I hope you listen as well as you ride."

[D: Such as this is not a sheep

Super sheep: Baaa

D: Will you knock that off? (Blah blah blah) Well, that's it, thanks for listening

Kale: Sorry, I wasn't listening, what was that?]