Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ Bordellos on the wind ❯ Miss-ogynying the point ( Chapter 5 )

[Mis-ogyniy -ing The Point]

Ahead of them the road divided.

[And got a remainder]

To the right, northward Ransylva. To the left, southerly and inland, Edo.

"Vampires have been around since before the pharaohs, and werewolves are genetic experiments gone nuts. And all other monsters are much the same or mutations from nuclear fall out. D...that is quite the story."

[It's also quite a lame story, whatever happened to `because it's magic?']

"It's true." He looked over the signs. Edo to the left, Ransylva to the right.

[We get the picture]

A sudden warmth spread through him. A memory of a gentle touch, a sweet taste...

[Okay, apparently forks in the road turns D on, and remind him of when he did the nasty on a road?]

"Which way?" he asked her.

"It doesn't matter to me. I'll go where you go." She watched him agonizing over their directions. "How long?"

"Nearly 11 years." He moved his horse to the signpost.

[Since when? Since he changed his horse's hooves? Since he's been here? Since he's been to a real hotel, not a bordello?]

Why was this so hard? Why was he dreading to go back?

[Because Doris is a wuss who doesn't know when she's flashing her panties]

"In my time, D, very few people kept their promises, that's why I never made any.

[Huh? What the hell is D talking about? How does Mary Sue know? Is she a telepath? Was something important cut out?]

I'd hate to think that's still true now." He started to trot Nightmare down the road to Edo, then stopped.

'I have to go back. I gave my word.'

[And I want that word back

Who said that? Mind explaining things?]

He turned the horse across the grass patch between the roads and galloped his way to Ransylva. Kale close behind.

[Shouldn't those sentences. Be connected?]

"We'll be crossing a small desert." He called to her. "Then there are the moors. We should reach the village by late morning."



The village had grown.

[Hopefully, it hadn't gone through puberty]

It was nearly twice the size it had been when he'd last traveled its streets. "What's her name?" Kale asked.

["Why is nothing explained in this story?" asked the audience]

They had stood at the crest of this hill overlooking the town for close to two hours. Kale hadn't said a word since the signpost. She knew this feeling D was grappling with. She'd been there.

[Apparently, Kale, in her youth, had been a travelling hunter, who rescued a fair damsel, slept with her, and left, and then came back 11 years later. This is why she knows exactly what D is feeling.]

But sooner or later someone was bound to notice them.

[Yeah, it's not every day that you see someone having a fight with something intangible]

"Doris Lang." He said quietly. "She's...she was a client...years ago."

"She was more than that, wasn't she?"

[Yes, she was also a cook]

D could hear the understanding in her voice. But it didn't seem to really help. "It never should have happened."

[Yeah, they should never have fucked with Yoshitaka Amano's character designs]

He said, moving onto a side road, when lead to some of the outer farms. She followed him.
"His name was Moos. Richard Moos."

[You dated a cow?]

She said. "I'd have married him in a heart beat if he'd only asked."

[The problem is, cows don't have much in the way of vocal cords]

"Why didn't he?"

[Because she's a prude, ugly, useless Mary Sue]

"He didn't want me that way. And I guess I wasn't ready, and he knew it. But still. If he'd asked, I still would have done it."

They rode in silence after that, Kale breathing deeply the smells of grass, barley and corn.

[Is someone making beer?]

The fields were a patchwork of different crops and grains. There was some machinery, tractors and combines, but no cars. Fuel must have been scarce.

[Machinery, combines, and tractors use more gas than cars. I'm confused.]

Finally, D stopped at a small house surrounded by an elaborate electrical fence. A buzzer unit had been put up since he'd been there. Determined, he pushed the button.

Nothing. The wind picked up and played with the edges of their cloaks, sending strands of their hair to dance in the air. He pressed the button again.

"Maybe they went out," she offered. He said nothing. "Come on. She'll be back. We can wait under the tree over there."

They sat for quite a while. Kale knew that something like this wasn't easy to do, or a love like hers was easy to get over.

[So which one was it?]

"Did he find the one he sought?" he asked finally.

Kale looked to him. His hat drawn over his eyes, cloak tight around him, his sword handle peering out from the opening of his cloak. "I hope so." She said.

[Kale: Actually, since I'm pissed, I hope NOT

D: I agree, I don't want you or any of your friends breeding ]

"He was in the military, so he was most likely on the front lines when all hell broke loose."

[D: Did you hear cheering?

Kale: That's just the people reading this and making fun of us

D: Did we just break the fourth wall?

Kale: I think so

D: Great, the only wall we get and we break it]

"If you had the chance, would you go back to him?"

[*cough* Foreshadowing *cough*]

"Yes," A wagon

[A wagon is talking? When did this happen?]

appeared from around the bend, D stood, still in the shade of the tree, watching it approach. The wagon was pulled by the same yellowish gold cyborg she had 10 years prior. Its condition was excellent, like Nightmare and Max.

[These horses are all the same except for their colors…are these iMac horses?]

Steady slender hands held the reins, the same hands that eased his sore muscles so long ago. She had grown. Her hair was longer,

[That's not growing, that's just living and not getting a haircut.]

but she still tied it into two braided pigtails down behind each ear, the ears he'd kissed. She wore pants now and a long T-shirt rather than the skimpy dress she'd worn when he first met her.

[So Doris is no longer wearing a slut uniform? Good for her! What? I really like Doris, especially compared to Kale]

He stepped out from under the shade and into the middle of the road. The wagon driver's eyes went wide and an ecstatic smile spread across her lips.

[As she ran over him with her cart]

"Dan! Look!!" she called.

[Doris: Watch me run this git over!

Dan: Whee! Do it again! That'll teach him for being stuck up!

Kale: When you guys are done, can I kick him?

Dan: Hey, aren't you a Mary Sue?

Doris: Aaah! *fires gun*]

A young man with shoulder length dark hair looked up from staring at the floor of the wagon. His mouth pulled to the broadest grin. "D!!" he shouted.

Kale took the reins of the horses and stayed beneath the tree. He needed this.

[He needed to get run over?]

The wagon stopped about five feet from him and the woman leapt from the seat. "D!! You're back!!" she shouted, throwing her arms around his broad chest.

[Doris must have gotten really tall, because usually she can only warp her arms around his waist. Her head can reach his chest, but she'd have to stretch her arms up to wrap them around him.]

"Oh God! D! Have you been waiting long?"

[D: Yes, but the problem is that I've been waiting with this leech

Doris: That's a sheep

D: I'm talking about her (points to Kale)

Super sheep: Baaaa

D: Shut up, you're a horse!

Dan: Crikey! He's bloomin' nuts!]

"D you look great," said Dan, taking the reins of the horse near the bit and shaking D's left hand.

[You'd expect him to have grown out of the hero-worship of D, considering D never returned for an entire decade]

D pulled his hand away from Dan's enthusiastic grasp, not wanting him to find the sym. "Dan, you've grown up well."

"A clear six foot three now. Looks good on me, don't it?"

[Doris: Until you started tripping over me!]

"Doris..."

"I've missed you so much." She whispered, her tears of joy from seeing him again, staining his shirt.

[Come on, he's already covered in grass, dirt, Kale's tears, sea water, Seafish, and Jell-O]

"Hello. D, who's that?" asked Dan, seeing Kale beneath the tree.

[Dan: Uh, did anyone else hear someone screaming to Run that lady over with the cart?

D: We broke the fourth wall again

Doris: Were we using it in the first place?]

Doris, too, looked up; her heart sank as she saw a tall slim woman with long brown hair.

[Doris: I have wavy hair. I'm wussy. I'm almost as useless as her. Why are you hanging out with her and not me?

D: Um… I'm not really sure.

Doris: Do you like annoying people? I can switch to my dub voice and talk more than I usually do

Hand: Try flushing your personality down the toilet

Dan: Who said that?

Kale: I can hear you!

Dan: Crikey! She's a nasty bugger!]

"Doris..." repeated D, finally separating her grasp of him.

[Doris: Janet!

D: Dr. Scot!

Dan: Rocky!

Kale: Bullwinkle!

Super sheep: baaa!

Doris: Janet!

(etc)]

"...Doris, Dan.

[Doris: …Janet, Dr. Scot.

Dan: …Rocky, Bullwinkle

Kale: …Boris, Natasha

D: didn't we just do this?]

This is Kale. She's traveling with me."

[D: And don't worry, Doris, she's too much of a prude to stand being near me. Besides, I think she's a lesbian]

"Oh...welcome. D, you've been well, haven't you?"

[D: No, actually. I've been quite out of character]

Doris asked, stepping away but between D and Kale.

[Good girl, Doris, keep the Mary Sue away where she won't do any harm]

Dan switched off the barrier and led the way to the barn. Doris taking D to the house, asking question after question, not really waiting for D to answer.

Dan unfastened the horse from the cart, and showed Kale where she could stable the horses. "So what's this one's name? I know D's is called Nightmare."

"Max. Steel to the Max actually, but Max for short."

[Doris: Steel to…I don't get it.

Me: Me neither

Doris: Who are you?

Kale: That's just someone reading this story. We broke the fourth wall again

Me: No, I broke it.]

"Hello, Max." The silver horse snorted and backed away,

[It prefers Mary Sue to Doris? How dumb is that creature?]

flattening its ears to its neck.

"He's done that to D a few times." She said. "Max, don't be mean."

"No it's ok. It's the first signs of a programming slip."

"A what?"

Dan pulled a box from the cupboard with buttons and wire jacks on it, on the other side was a tiny screen. "A programming slip. If a horse is stubborn enough, he can actually break the cyborg programming and return to that of the original horse, or what's left of it. Become psychotic if it were. It's very dangerous."

[By returning to its original personality, it becomes psychotic? Horses are naturally mean? I'm confused]

"Can you fix him?"

[Dan: First, I'm not a vet, second I sympathize with my fellow male, third, that won't solve anything]

"Sure. Just take me a minute." Dan plugged a jack into one of the portals in Max's maintenance panel, he'd opened on the cheek. Max became very still as the repair device examined the cyborg programming. "So, where did you meet D?"

"The Western World," she said, remembering what D had told her. "I was a bit messed up, and he's been helping me."

"Vampire?"

[Kale: No, actually, I'm human]

"No. I was...severely sheltered, and I was very sick.

[Mentally AND physically]

He stood by me, when no one else would. He said he'd teach me and we came here. I got the impression that D hated the Western World."

"I've heard that it's pretty wild." Dan turned his attention to the beeping device. "Yeah. He's got some corrupted files. Is he a DL4 like Nightmare?" She nodded. "Then we can fix this one right here." Dan pushed a few buttons then hung the device by a strap around Max's head.

[Device: Plot_incosistency.dxe has caused an error in crap_fic.exe

Plot_inconsistency.dxe has caused an error in reader_sanity.exe

Please restart equine]

"There, that'll take an hour or so. You ok?"

Kale had sat down, her stomach a bit upset. "Yeah. I haven't been riding in a long while, and I think I may have over did it. I'll be fine."

[Kale: As long as my grammar doesn't screw up anymore]

Dan sat down next to her. "Doris has really missed D. Sometimes at night, she stares out the window. I swear she'd will him back if she had that kind of power."

"There's been no one since D?" Dan shook his head. She understood. Though she and her love, when parted, each sought the company of another. When they met again it was like they never parted, and she never could take another into her heart,

[But she could take them into other body parts]

not when he still held it in his hand. But now he was dead, and she had to move on.

[Yes, him being dead, especially for a few millennia will be a real problem with relationships]

"I think this will be good for her. So what about you? Are you nuts for D too?

[No, just plain nuts]

Even though he is a ..."

[Fruit?]

"Dan," D was in the doorway. He'd never told Kale what he was,

[Insane? Boring? Lousy in bed?]

and he didn't want her to find out from anyone else, but himself. "Doris wants your help."

"Sure. Take care. I'll show you to your room later." Dan patted D's shoulder as he ran by.

"You spoke up, as though you wanted to silence him. Is everything all right."

[Shouldn't that be a question.]

Kale hadn't moved. Her stomach was still a bit sore.

D went to her and crouched in front of her, a position she couldn't help but find extremely sexy, for any man.

[Crouching in front of her is sexy? I don't really find crouching sexy. Hands and knees and no clothes on, probably, but not crouching.]

He took her hands in his as he spoke.

[He proposes and I start WW3 with the author. I mean it]

"There are things about me that I haven't told you. Things they know, that I don't want you to hear second hand."

[Like that time I got drunk and put on one of Doris's dresses]

"Alright. So pull up a hay bail. Lets talk."

He stayed where he was as he explained about himself. He didn't tell her about his symbiot though. Nothing would force him to tell her about that bloody thing.

[D: Crikey! This bloody thang's really mad! Let's see what happens when I do this! What? I'm a vampire hunter! These strange and wonderful creatures are absolutely amazing!]

Nor did he tell her how old he was.

[Not even the DMV would believe that]

One shock at a time was quite enough.

[I'm sure if he found an extension cord, he could shock her twice]

He told her about his occasional blood lust, and that she should stay away if it ever happened.

[Hopefully he whispered the `away' part]

He also told her that like the Dhampires of old, he hunted Vampires to kill them.

[But what about the dhampires of now? You stick rigidly to ancient and archaic ideals while the others have fought for their rights to be equal with everyone else? It's people like you who cause republicans]

"Even your own father?" she asked.

[D: I don't care what the paternity test says, he's not my father!]

"No. If there is one thing I can't ever do, that is to kill my father. He's not like the others.

[He wears a bra and lacey teddies]

He rules fairly over his domain, people actually do invite him to their table for supper.

[And look at him funny when he eats nothing and then attacks the cat]

I guess you could say, my father, the great Count Dracula, is loved by all.

[You could also say that D has been sniffing glue]

Regardless of what he is."

[A psychotic ugly Romanian prince?]

"I'd love to meet the real Dracula."

[D: He's not like the guy on the cereal box

Kale: Oh, never mind then

D: And I wasn't kidding about the bras and teddies]

"Maybe one day you will." He placed his right hand to her cheek, a gesture meant to say thank you for understanding, only when he felt her warmth, he tested her forehead. "You feeling all right? Your temperature is up a bit."

"I'm fine. I think I over did it a little. It was cold riding all night."

"You should have said something."

"No, besides, if I mentioned every little qualm I've had,

[Kale: It would take anohter ten thousand years

D: I've got all the time in the world

Kale: Good point]

I think you'd stake me, rather than your next target."

[I'm wondering why he hasn't already]

D huffed as he stood pulling her gently to her feet.

[D: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow-

Kale: I'm a girl

D: That' not what I'm talking about at all]

"Come on. We'll help with dinner and you can tell me how you know my father."

"What about Doris & Dan? Won't they hate me for being an Arker?"

"No. I told Doris, and she understands. She'll explain, or has already explained to Dan. Since he hasn't tried to kill you, I assume he accepts that, and will keep the secret."

[Or they poisoned the food or are waiting for the right moment to strike]



D and Kale spent the night talking with the Langs. Dan had brought down his collection of old earth books and maps for her to translate only to learn that most of them were in a dialect she couldn't read. Chinese or Japanese or Arabic. "I've collected them since I was little," said Dan. "It must have been great to live back then. What did you do for a living? Where are you from originally? What were the people like?"

"Whoa, hold on a minute," Kale begged putting her glass of juice on the table. "One question at a time please. First off. It wasn't as great as you think.

[Yeah, the world was full of people like her]

Trades were far more complicated and you had to spend a lot of money on schooling and training just to be able to say you could do something. I, for one, was taught how to fix computers and administer networks, but the only job I could get was working as a cashier at a grocery store. I'd only been there a couple months when they grabbed me and threw me in the back of a truck."

[They should have thrown you in front of it]

"Why?" Dan asked. "I mean why you? Why not someone else."

[I'm wondering that myself]

"I don't know." She leaned back against the sofa, trying to ease the pain that was increasing in her stomach.

"Well, that's enough for tonight," said D. "We've had a long ride, and I'm sure Kale is very tired.

[Why is D trying to be her father? This really does not bode well if these two idiots are going to be romantically involved]

Dan, would you show her to her room.

[Does the author know what a question mark is.]

Doris, I hope you don't mind, the sofa was fine the last time, and will be most comfortable this time."

[I just hope you vacuumed the nacho crumbs out of it this time.]

"Are you sure?" She asked, her blue eyes pleading him to come to her room.

[D, just make everyone happy and run off with Doris. Please. Dan and Kale can stay here and have children with the IQ of mayonnaise]

D nodded. He watched as Dan led Kale up the stairs, followed reluctantly by Doris. He turned the lights off and lay back on the cushions. "Oh decisions, decisions," snickered the sym. "One who's as old as you, who can't wait for you to slide into her bed, and the other stewing in her own juices from the memory of the last time you were here."

[Knock `em both up]

"Enough!"

"What ever shall you do D?"

[I'm betting he'll angst for a few centuries]

asked the sym., ignoring his command. "Its not like this will ever happen again."

"No, and it won't happen now. Now go to sleep."

[Come on, D, your being as big a prude as Mary-nine-year-old-Sue. Get some damn action. Sissy]

"D, you're a bore.

[You figure that out NOW? I knew that a long time ago, and I'm not STUCK to him]

The old monks had more fun than you."

[Or was that nuns? Hey, why did they have to be old?]

D drew one of his daggers and held it to his wrist. "All right, all right. I won't say another word while we are here."

[Great, D's maschistic now. Whatever happened to having normal people?]

"Good." He sheathed the blade and closed his eyes.



"Sir! We're getting a distress beckon from the cell."

"Where is it?" asked the leader, looking over the man's shoulder.

"Sector 23 Delta sir. ETA 72 hours, if we stay on course, and it doesn't move."

"Any indication that the body had died?"

"No Sir. This is a general distress. Most likely the body is rejecting the cell."

"How much time?"

"Hard to say sir. It could be the body still doesn't know the cell is there."

"Helmsman!"

"Sir."

"I want more speed!

[Warp factor nine. Engage]

I won't loose this cell. Not after so long a search."

"Aye, aye Sir."

[Guy: Aarrrrgh! I really need to find a petshop and get me a parrot!]



"D?" Kale called softly from the stairs.

"Over here." He returned, sitting at the table looking through some of Dan's books.

[D, get your own playboys]

Kale sat down on the stairs. "I think I picked up a bug. I'm not feeling the best."

[You shouldn't , you've never been close to the best]

D went to her and felt her forehead. "You've got a high fever. Do you still have that pain?"

"Yes. But I assure you it's not what you think."

[D: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Kale: I think so D, but wouldn't the monkey throw up?]

D understood. If she had been pregnant she would have started to show by now, but sense that wasn't the case, this was something else.

[Why would she be pregnant? He's practically been keeping men of every species away from her]

"D, what's wrong?" asked Dan, kneeling on the landing.

[D: I just thought of Kale being pregnant, now we're both sick]

"Help me get her to the sofa." The two settled Kale, and D went to the kitchen for a bowl of cold water and a cloth. Returning to her he pulled the small coffee table closer, and repeated his care of her when he'd first found her. "Where does your doctor live?"

[Dan: In his house]

"We don't have one who lives here anymore," Dan told him. "There's one that comes from Edo every few weeks, but we haven't been able to get one to stay for long since Doctor Fearing."

"Its two days straight ride to Edo."

[And if you're gay? How long does it take to ride to Edo if you aren't straight?]

D mused. "Dan take over, I need to ready the horses."

"D? What is it? What's wrong?" asked Doris, descending the stairs in her pjs and housecoat.

"Kale's sick,"

[Doris: We already knew that

D: Physically

Doris: Oh, well get her out of the house, I don't want her dying on my nice carpets]

said Dan, as D quickly left. "D has to take her to Edo." Doris quickly ran after D, finally catching up to him in the barn.

"You were just going to leave again? Without even saying goodbye, again?"

[You were just going to let the author screw with tenses?

D: Goodbye, there]

"Doris, this isn't the time for this. Kale's in trouble."

[No, she's not. You'd be amazed at how long a Mary Sue can be sick without anything actually happening]

"I know, but please, don't just leave."

"Doris...Please...We can't be...we never should have been in the first place."

[Been what? A couple of idiots? Badly drawn? Badly dubbed? Badly cosutmed?]

"I know. But blood calls out to blood.

[It does? Is that why my cell phone bill is so high?]

You said that yourself.

[He did? When?

The author is basing this off a fic someone else wrote, just to ruin it by breaking D and Doris up]

And ours calls with the same voice. Please...just hold me even for a moment." She threw her arms around his waist, crying, needing him to hold her one last time. She knew that if he left, she'd never see him again.

"Doris! It took me years to get over what I did to you.

[It took you years to get over rescuing her?]

Please. Don't ask me to repeat what happened."

[Hire a different hunter]

He pushed her away and began saddling Max. "You're jealous of someone you've no reason to be jealous about."

[You're jealous of someone who just threw up in the toilet, just to put things in perspective]

"Yes, I am jealous. Because she gets to go with you and you welcome her company. I'm angry, because you're leaving. And you haven't even spoken to me about your last visit."

[Why doesn't she just say `Hey, I've got a cart, let's all three go?']

"What do you want me to say?

[She wants you to like her and not a Mary Sue, and to stick around and say more than five sentences. Sheesh, men are so dense when it comes to relationships]

That I enjoyed taking your blood!

[Actually, D, could you tell me when that happened?

In someone else's fic]

That I was honored to be your first?

[First what? I'm so confused. MY copy of VHD doesn't say `edited' on it, so what's going on?

First…massage I guess. This is still based on the other person's fic

Look, one or the other! Either go into his deep feelings for Doris, or thrust a Mary Sue in his face, not both! It down plays both of them]

Doris. Please these things will always be with me, even if you won't be.

[Doris, you have your own horse, you can always follow the idiot.

Doris, you have your own gun, just shoot the idiot]

I will live long after you're gone, never aging, never growing old as humans are supposed to. Do you think it's easy for me to watch my friends..."

[What does that have to do with anything? Is D saying `I'm dumping you, even though we were never together, because you're mortal?' Relationships suck. This is really making me want to be with girls.

`Girls' is plural. Are you saying you want to play the field?

What's wrong with that?]

He slapped the stirrups into place and looked at her, her blue eyes calling to him.

[When did he have a phone?]

"...to watch my friends grow old and die?"

[Well, you're pretty much a butthead if you just ditch them to die alone]

He wiped a tear from her cheek with his right hand. "I will come back. One day. But don't wait for me. Find someone who will make you happy.

[Doris: Did you hear someone telling me to find a girl?

D: Damn fourth wall!]

Have a family.

[Now we're back to the `Women belong in the kitchen and with the family' morals. I'm starting not to like D.

When you're done witht hat book, I have a frying pna I want to hit him with

There IS an advantage to these vampiric healings. You're victim doesn't die or fall unconscious!]

Do these things for me.

[Did he just say `I'm dumping you,' with all the grace of an SUV falling down the grand Canyon, and continue with `So go get stuck having kids and laboring in the kitchen, all for me, the total bastard who just threw your love for me in your face?'

Was D ever like this?

That's it. Girls for me.

Try one first and see how you like it.]

Because I can't. Be happy for me, Doris. If not for yourself."

[I thought the point of being happy was always for oneself. Where's that book?

What book?

That astrology book

`Men are from Mars, women are from venus?'

Yeah, that one!

We're using it as a doorstop

Hey! D! * smacks D with the huge book*

D: You know, I'm REALLY starting to miss that fourth wall.

*Smacks D again*

*eating popcorn* Hey, is he going to take Max with him?]

"D! She's getting worse." Called Dan.

[D: *rubbing large wound on head* You mean she's conscious again? Damn!]

"I'll go to her, D. Dan, help with the horses."

[I'm too much of a bastard to do it myself]



D mounted his horse, Max tied to Nightmare's tail.

[Uh, is that safe?]

Dan held Kale as D readied himself, then he reached down and took her. "She should sleep for a while," said Doris. "If she wakes and is still in pain, give her two of these." She handed him a bottle of pills, meant to help women with cramps, when it was their time.

[This person writes sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and can't bring herself to write the word `period?']

"They're the only pain killers I've got, and there aren't many left, so go easy."

[Doris: Since those are my last, bring me back some replacements. Oh, and considering your moodswing, you might want to take some too

Me: You'd better! I still got my book!

D: We really need to fix that wall

How is midol going to help for nausea and an upset stomach? Wouldn't she need Pepto Bismol?]

"Thank you, Doris."

[Great, now he's talking too much again. Look, D yabbering-his-head-off out of character is bad, but D-the-crap-boyfriend-who-never-heard-of-women's-lib-and-thinks-the-world-re volves-around-him out of character is horrible!]

"No, thank you. I was being selfish.

[Yeah, you were being selfish because you thought making yourself happy by chasing your dreams and admitting love was a good thing, and didn't realize a woman's place is in the kitchen. This author has shot herself in the foot and shoved it in her mouth.]

I'm sorry. Take care D. You'll always be welcome in any Lang home.

[Why? He's a bastard!]

Dan and I will see to that." She held up a picture frame, in it was a hand painting of D.

[Me: Hit him over the head with it!

Doris: He's too tall!

Me: Here, I'll find you a stepladder

D: See why I stay away? Everyone hates me!

Me: Because you're cranky and mean, not because you're a dhampire!

Dan: crikey! Aren't I gonna get any lines?

Super sheep: Baaa

D: Look, this isn't the time for that gag!]

"One of these will be the house of all our children.

[As dart boards]

And they'll know all about you."

[D: That's what I'm afraid of]

"Safe journey, D. And I hope this is nothing they can't fix."

"Thank you both. I have to go." As he galloped the horses to the gate, Dan pressed a button on a remote. The barrier switched off and the gate opened, just in time for D to not slow down and ran the horses back down the road.

Doris clutched the portrait, the only thing she had, accept her memories.

[Doris: Too bad all those pain pills expired last year

Dan: I think we were better off with he vampires. Ramika was hot

Doris: Where'd you Vampire Hunter accent go?

Dan: I get more lines this way

Doris: So, should we put these on Milk cartons to get someone to bring him here, or on wanted posters?

Dan: Why doesn't anyone realize those two have no chemistry whatsoever?

Doris: And does this author know what a spellchecker is?

Dan: And how do we fix the fourth wall?

Doris: Duct tape?

Dan: The handyman's secret weapon]